#I (don’t) miss him

3269 messages · Page 4 of 4 (latest)

wet basin
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I don’t like it

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And others kinda knew that too somehow

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This girl in middle school on my cross country team once said that to me how she knows I don’t like yelling

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I don’t know how she knew that. Not that we didn’t take but we weren’t exactly great friends

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It makes me cry when people yell but at the same time my dad would get mad at me if I cried

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And said I’m too old to act like that

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I was really excited for this vacation

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So why have I cried twice so far to the point of exhaustion

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I just really wished I had someone to call up that knew me

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I used to at some point have that

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I just feel lonely more often

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I don’t like yelling

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I don’t want to be the girl with issues no one wants to deal with

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I don’t want to bother people

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Everytime I tend to open up to people they tend to leave

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That’s just how it goes

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Pretty much everyone in my life I’ve gotten really close to has left

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I don’t want to drag anyone down

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I don’t want to be a bother

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I just feel really exhausted

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Too much is happening I just want to feel

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Loved

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Like I’m supposed to be loved and I’m loveable

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I hate feeling like I wasn’t ever supposed to feel loved that I’m just unloveable

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That’s not how I wanted to ever feel

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Elementary school me would be so disappointed how I turned out

wet basin
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I hate when thoughts about my life strike me in the middle of the night

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I hate how some people talk and think about me

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Because sometimes it’s just so far off from the person I am that it just

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It’s like rage baiting

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I need a good year

wet basin
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I don’t know if I’m cursed to have loved someone that much unconditionally or lucky

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To have had someone had some point that I truly loved with all I had

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I don’t like what he did or how he treated me

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But I don’t think I’ve ever lived like that in my life

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And we had good moments

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And that’s what keeps replaying in my head the memories of us going out and having fun

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Going to theme parks until late at mint

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Night*

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Watching all of a tv series together

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I really truly loved him with everything I had and hate how things ended

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I just haven’t loved like that before and don’t know if I’ll be able to love someone like that again

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Like just have that large of an interest and love for someone

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I don’t want to cry

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I’m starting to cry again over it

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Just because I didn’t want to “leave him in 2025”

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I hate that I still think of him

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I wish I could just convince myself to hate him again

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I didn’t cry for awhile because I was fine

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I didn’t like him

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I don’t like him anymore

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But gosh, did I love him with everything at some point. I didn’t feel that way before about someone. I never loved like that

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I remember how happy I was when he said yes to going to formal with me even after I clarified as a date not just as a friend

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I loved him so much

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I don’t know if I’m lucky to have loved someone like that in my life or I’m absolutely miserable to have

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It’s been 3 months. I want to just stop

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It’s so strange seeing people move on so fast to me

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Someone I know was just upset about her ex of 7 months breaking up with her because she thought maybe they were on the marriage track

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Then she’s on tinder already and it’s been only a few weeks

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Just everytime I think I’m fine I get hit with something that makes me feel broken

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Its over just I feel hurt about it all sometimes

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And it didn’t even seem like he gaf about me in the end

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When I still cry months later

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I need to go back to school and be distracted

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Everytime I go out somewhere I get a little nervous I’ll run into him

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Since we go to the same hometown and go to the same places

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I just don’t know what I’d do

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Just pretend I don’t know him probably

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But that’s

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So strange to have been so close to someone for almost 3 years and then suddenly we don’t talk anymore

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It’s so strange how things work out

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I think I just wanted to think that I never meant anything to him to make the loss feel a bit better

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But he did love me at some point

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I just think I want to find a reason to hate him

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The last words I ever said to him were fuck you

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And I told him I hated him and he was disgusting

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Which I was disgusted at the time

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And I want to still be

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But it hurts to think of him like that but I think it’s even worse to think of him in positive light

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He just didn’t love me how I needed to be loved

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He didn’t love me from the start

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And I was so head over heels for him

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I didn’t want anything nsfw at the start I just wanted to be seen and have someone have that interest to get to know me

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That’s where it all went wrong right from there

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And I just thought it would get better which is did but you can’t truly just move on like that never happened

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I know I deserve better than that

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But to love someone like that was

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Just insane

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I can’t possibly explain to someone how much I loved him

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I didn’t care about how much I spent at the time because I would make sure I always had money to take him out

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I asked him out all the time I loved taking him out to places

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I would drive 40 minutes to a location and then pay just to spend time with him

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I paid because he was low on money with paying for school

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I just wanted to see him

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Everytime I could after work I’d stop by

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Even if I always kinda seemed more excited

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I just loved seeing him

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I loved being around him

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Until this semester started I was beyond stressed

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And with finding the photos and then him admitting to being too lazy

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Then my dog of 16 years was put down and I was struggling with classes and sometimes I couldn’t even get myself to go

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He just really had to put the final blow and leave when I was beyond struggling

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Even when my dog died

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I just needed to be loved it felt like I was really trying to support both of us

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Because he was sad too but he didn’t rlly know the dog as long and as close as I did

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Which doesn’t mean he can’t be sad

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But it just felt like I was trying to be there for us both when I jsut really needed someone to help me

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I was struggling so bad in life

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I wanted it to be him so bad to help me

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Even when he came up I was stressed because I had a big test to study for and I had laundry and so much homework

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And just things kept going wrong

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And he just was stressing me out

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I didn’t want to do anything nsfw I felt so humiliated

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I just wanted to be loved how I needed. I was so stressed out with everything going on in life

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I just wish he could’ve saw me and had even a fraction of interest in me that I had in him

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Yes he loved me at some point

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I just need to focus on the bad than the good

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To get myself back in line

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I bad talk him

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I say I lucked out

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That he was nsfw obsessed

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That he doesn’t have a future because he can never decide on a career

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He’s lazy

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But I know there was a time when I never minded anything. I didn’t care that he didn’t decide on a career yet because I just wanted him to be happy

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But he’s dropping him degree and it shouldn’t affect me at all

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Non of what he does should

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I need to move on

wet basin
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There’s something weird about liking someone first and last

wet basin
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I just wanted reassurance

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Why was it such a problem

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And he was able to move on so fast

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Well tried

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I know rebounds exist

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But breaking the cycle with someone else so quick

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As he said

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He was so fast to replace me

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I really tried

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I know there’s better to come

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And it will be better

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And I’m better off

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I know I am

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But I had so much just good intention love to give and he dragged it in the mud

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He did just some horrible stuff in the end

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I hate crying in front of people

wet basin
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I feel so stressed about next semester

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I may not be able to get therapy for awhile

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My scheulde is so fucked

wet basin
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I still remember the night 3 months ago like it was just last week

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I feel different now

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But I remember it

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The date, the day of the week

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Time of day

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I was at my friend’s house till 1am. I almost stayed over cus they offered before I even got there

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But I knew we both had classes the next day that I didn’t even end up going to until at night

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Because I had to

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Because I had a concert and it was my first concert playing principal on

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And it was kinda miserable. I couldn’t eat all day, I couldn’t enjoy myself. It was the first concert I really just went home after without talking to anyone about it

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First concert ever as principal and I didn’t talk to anyone after

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Which is weird in a way

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I didn’t really have anyone watching or going to it or watching the live it was kinda just

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Ok I’m done and now I’m going home

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Which I guess is the career when u get older anyways. I’m the one who lives five hours away from home too

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But I didn’t even

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Call anyone after like usual

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Talk about how it went

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I just

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Went home and was asleep within the hour

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Then repeated

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Missed classes

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Barely went to school

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Barely ate

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Then only went when I really had to

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Used my lesson skip

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Because I barely was practicing at all

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Missed parts of marching band when I went because I couldn’t stop crying

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Last semester just dragged me along

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I really hope next semester is even just a slight bit better

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I used to be so much better academically

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So much better gosh

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I used to have straight As I just

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Not that my grades are bad now

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I just am so exhausted with all the losses I had last semester

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I just had 0 wins in anything besides the first week when placements came out

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I miss my chihuahua

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We got him when I was 3 years old

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And I still remember when we first got him

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I feel like I didn’t have enough time to grieve him before my ex dropped the bomb of leaving

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It was like

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I was already dealing with a loss

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Then that happens

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And it’s like

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There’s just only so much I can take and have to lock in academically. I had midterms the next week

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I know I’ve typed that several times in this vent but it still just hurts

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Randomly it will

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That he really left me in the worst time

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And I’ve told him that and he disagrees but I don’t think he understood what I meant

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I think he thought I meant worst part of our relationship

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I meant worst part in what was going on in my life

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I was beyond busy with school work and stressed out of my mind and dealing with so much stuff

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And he couldn’t even do it in person when I was going to be going back home in a few days

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Such a pussy

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I hope someday I find someone that I can be myself around and thinks I’m worth it

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I was myself around him

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Only person I really was my true unfiltered self around too. I had to kinda find parts of me from others or didn’t have those interests with others to share

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It’s the part of me being worth it and worth the effort that was just lacking

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Not that he never did stuff

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But just

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It was often after I asked several times and at that point it’s just me begging for it at that point

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I did that with flowers

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Kinda pathetic of me

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I wish he just got me them to get me them

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Not after I asked about it

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Sometimes I think about someone getting me flowers as a surprise and I cry

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Kinda weird

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I just really wish he did. He once told me on my bday he was going to stop and get me flowers but he was already 40 minutes late

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And didn’t want to be more late

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Like what am I supposed to do with that. Like thanks for the thought?

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I want to be seen

wet basin
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This one person their music taste is so damn bad and he never can see his issues

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not the music taste being the issue

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but it's bad too

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like his fuckass ego bruh

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seriously most dreadful human being to interact with

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like nails on a chalk board, rather someone just slime me out

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I'm so anti pick me boy

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like cry me a river

wet basin
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I found photos from his last show and it made me feel a bit stomach sick

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Idk why just seeing what he’s been up to

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Not even a bad thing

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Just weird because I used to always go to his shows

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Makes me feel bleh

robust turtle
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im so sorry i havent been talking here at all WAH been reading though!!! out of curiosity do you think you've at least healed a bit more compared to like 2-3 months ago? (when i was last here i think)

wet basin
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Yea I def did. It’s just one of those things I think of sometimes

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Mostly think I just miss the feeling of being loved tbh not necessarily him

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A lot of my vent here is just talking to put it somewhere so don’t rlly worry about replying lol

robust turtle
robust turtle
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i can definitely relate to it though

wet basin
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Yea I got a feeling once I go back to school soon I’ll be distracted again which will be nice I guess. I’ve been on break for like a month now

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It’s weird living like 5 minutes away from him cus I legit could accidentally run into him anywhere cus my hometown only has so many hot spots to go

robust turtle
wet basin
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We did in high school but I go to college now

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So I go to college like 5 hours away from my hometown. He goes to a community college near our hometown but he’s dropping out next semester so

robust turtle
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maybe you just pray you guys leave at different times for college

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praying for you anyway

wet basin
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Tbf, I don’t think he goes out much in the least rude way

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He averages like 4+ hours on steam a day

robust turtle
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i mean just for college

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if you go out much then u dont rlly have to worry it sounds like

wet basin
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Yea. Only worry I rlly have is over summer we worked at the same theme park. Different rides but still same place, only reason he applied was cus I suggested it tho so

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But yea

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Once I go back to college I won’t even have the chance of seeing him again so

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And tbh by the time summer comes I really hope I have 0 attachment to him so

robust turtle
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you'll be outside in the summer so you'll probably be too busy to even think back to him

wet basin
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Yea prob you’re so right

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Thank you

robust turtle
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ofc yay

wet basin
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It feels so weird being back at school

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After a month break

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I feel a bit lonely

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Idk why I kept forgetting my mom is leaving tomorrow morning and we aren’t meeting up again

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Because usually we get breakfast in the morning but she’s leaving early so we aren’t

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I just feel kinda lonely like

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I want to call and talk to people

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But it’s just

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Me now

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I keep telling myself once I get started with classes I’ll be distracted and stuff though

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It just gets a bit lonely sometimes