#Kaz's venting journal

2775 messages · Page 3 of 3 (latest)

heavy wigeon
#

Tho

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My hair grows faster everry time i dye it

heavy wigeon
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I think thats good

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Maybe its the conditioner

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Going into the hair cell

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To make it longer

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Yk

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Thats so cool tho

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How that works

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Im feeling calm now

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Yay

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Bored

vague dagger
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yeah thats cool

heavy wigeon
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Im mixing reality up with daydreams

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Like why did i think i was being kidnapped

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When i wasnt

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Wtf

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Why is it getting worse

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Is this the derealization or the psychosis

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And my delusions, paranoia, hallucinations are getting worse

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Man

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Am i going into a WAY WORSE psychotic episode while in psychosis 247

heavy wigeon
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Anyways

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Why have i been in psychosis for YEARS

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Its gettign worse

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The ||cutting|| is too

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But thats ok

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I got benadryl

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Omg the things im thinking about

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I got 1 reason to live

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Actually 2

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Boden and A

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Better now

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Yay

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Im better than a week ago

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I have reasons to live now

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Anddd

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I did have a bad day

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But it turned into a ok

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By now

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So yay

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I dont wanna go to school tomorrow

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Imma do a all nighter again

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But

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Uhm

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Shit

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I might do it

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No

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Dont say that

heavy wigeon
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Damn

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I gotta remind myself

heavy wigeon
#

Another artery hit

vague dagger
heavy wigeon
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Bro

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Wtf

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Context bro

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The sobbing emoji is now like

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Related

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To

#

Sobbing from laughter

vague dagger
heavy wigeon
heavy wigeon
heavy wigeon
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Hehehehe

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I wake up

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Then i go on phone

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Now i on phone

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Hehehehhe

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Cheese

heavy wigeon
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I got a house

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I got a car

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America

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America

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Song is so funny

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Like why that song say you got a horse

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Thats so funny

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Hehehe

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Im so happy

vague dagger
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You good? Glad your happy but you sure you ain't high?

heavy wigeon
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Hi wolf

heavy wigeon
heavy wigeon
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Hehehehehehehehhhehhehehhhee

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I aint high

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I just am happy

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I got a cat

#

I got a uhh

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I got hair

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Cats

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Thats my song right there

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I got a cat

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I got hair

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Cats

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Cats

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Yeah its so nice

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And

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Idk

vague dagger
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That's amazing!

heavy wigeon
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Yep

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You got a wolf?

vague dagger
heavy wigeon
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You wish you had a wolf

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?

vague dagger
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A dire wolf. Yeah

heavy wigeon
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Ok

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Idk what that is

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But anyways hru

vague dagger
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I'm doing great!

heavy wigeon
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Im glad

vague dagger
heavy wigeon
#

Oh thats sad

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But anyways

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I wanna drink water

vague dagger
heavy wigeon
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Water 🌊

heavy wigeon
vague dagger
heavy wigeon
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BEEP

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Beep beep beep beep beep

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Thats what a smoke alarm sound makes

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BEEP BEEP

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Heheheheh

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Anyways

heavy wigeon
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I needa ask you something

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Oh nvm i understand it now

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wooo

heavy wigeon
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If you didnt understand

vague dagger
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You got my curiosity peaked

heavy wigeon
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Nvm

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I

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Nvm

heavy wigeon
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But anyways

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I try and i try

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Tried*

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To get better

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Look where it got me

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Im not better

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Im worse

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I just want to be cuddled in someones arms

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Comforted

heavy wigeon
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That would be so nice

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Im so tired i wanna go back to sleep

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Im so tired

vague dagger
heavy wigeon
heavy wigeon
vague dagger
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alg alg

heavy wigeon
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Sorry

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I wanna do something bad that i shouldnt do to make myself feel better

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When i shouldnt

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I feel like everything is my fault

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Even tho its not

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I feel like everything is my fault my problem

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Like im the Problem

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And i should die right

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No

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Even tho its not

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Idk if im the problem

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I feel like shit

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I feel like i cause people to do the bad things they do

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I feel like im just a sick asshole

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I suck

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Im just someone that craves attention and waits and waits and waits for it and doesnt attention seek like im supposed too

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I dont want friends irl

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And i have then anyways

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Bc a me before wanted them

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Irk

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Irl*

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Idek how i made them

heavy wigeon
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Irl

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I wanna be quiet

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But i "have to" talk

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Even tho i dont wanna

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I have to ask questions, i have to ask for help in school

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If i went non verbal i would prob fail

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I love having online friends

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Tho

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And long distance

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I like having friends irl too

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I just dont like talking

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I dont like my appearance

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I think im igly

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Ugly*

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These people bully me at school

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They make my insecurities worse

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I just want long hair

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Not short hair

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I wannna be pretty

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I wanna be beautiful

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If i look at pics of myself a few months after i change my appearance

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Im like "i was so pretty"

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Even tho

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At the times of my appearances i think im not pretty

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I've never thought i was

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Idk if i ever will

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But ik that i like/love having online and long distance and irl friends

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Just for the irl friends

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I dont like to talk irl

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Which makes it a problem for irl friends

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I feel like no one cares tbh

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Even tho they do

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They do care

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Just my mind

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Omg

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This mind

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Thinks they dont bc no one comforting me rn

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Even tho people do care

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Like ong

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Omg*

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Im so confusing

heavy wigeon
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That's for irl friends tho

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And

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I just want cuddles

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And huggies

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Fall asleep in someones arms

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Ik who that someone is

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I just dont know if i should say their name or not cus idk if im allowed to talk about stuff like that and say their name

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Ik im allowed to say their name for other things

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Just idk that

heavy wigeon
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I love them so much

heavy wigeon
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Anyways

heavy wigeon
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School counselor had to REPORT something AGAIN

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Omg

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Like dude

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Its in the past

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I dont want dhr coming to my house every fucking werk

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Week*

heavy wigeon
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Im doing fine now

vague dagger
heavy wigeon
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Oh my gosh

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Oh this is so great

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I hate having this period

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Bloody mess

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Like come on

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Why cant it be over in a day not 7 days

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Why it gotta be painful

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I dont like periods

heavy wigeon
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Omg

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Time to sleep

vague dagger
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How are ya doing?

heavy wigeon
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Good hbu

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Vent: he makes me so happy i love him so much, i hope we never stop knowing eachother

vague dagger
heavy wigeon
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Im having a good day, got my extra sleep, talked to him, is happy bc of him, YAY

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And i took pics of my cat and my cats friends (my grandmas cats)

heavy wigeon
heavy wigeon
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Heheheh

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Ik you know who you are

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Hehehee

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If you see this message, i love you

heavy wigeon
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Hehehe

heavy wigeon
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IM OFF ON THE ADVENTURE

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Kid Cudi music is so good

heavy wigeon
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Im on my way to heaven 🎵🎶

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DUDE THIS SONG IS SO GOOD

heavy wigeon
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I miss him

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Hes sleeping

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I love him

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So much

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Sooo much

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Tw: || id take a bullet for him is how much i love him ||

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I just hope he didnt do anyhing bad when i was sleeping

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Im so tired

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I wanna go back to sleep

heavy wigeon
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||I wanna sh||

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Ill be ok since hes good

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I think

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Hope so

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Hope hes good

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And if he is

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That means ill be ok

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Cus ill be happy hes good

heavy wigeon
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But the same time i don't

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Idk why

vague dagger
heavy wigeon
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Omg im shaking do bad

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So*

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I think i need more blood

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Ill be ok tho

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As long as hes good ill be ok

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I hope hes doing good

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I love him so much

heavy wigeon
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Im so tired

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Shaking

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Feel sick

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Did i lose too much

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Prob not

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I wanna sleep

heavy wigeon
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Ughh

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This is so boring

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Man i need my damn caffeine

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Give me my coffee

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Even just bc the doctor says none doesnt mean i cant have it

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Like i can

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Its just caffeine

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It wont hurt

heavy wigeon
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Drank caffeine

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It didn't hurt

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So that doctor needs me to tell him i can drink coffee

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Bc im just fine

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Like what

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Hehehher

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Im so sneaky

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He dont know i drank coffee

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Hahahahahaha

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Beeees

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Bees

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Hehe

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Bees

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Im so sleepy

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I wanna 💤

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Cant ho

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Tho***

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Omg

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Thats a horrible mistype

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But anyway

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Im bored

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Imma sleep soon

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Sooon

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Yay

#

Unless someone texts me

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Then i talk to them

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But yea

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Anyways

#

Sleeeps

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Sleepy*

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!rank

nova pilotBOT
heavy wigeon
#

Omg

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Hehehee

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Yay

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Imma sleep now

heavy wigeon
#

Im addicted to the pain

heavy wigeon
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I dont want people to know

heavy wigeon
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Makes me feel better

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I know i shouldnt

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But

heavy wigeon
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Imma be high in bout 1 hour

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Hope i feel good

heavy wigeon
#

But how

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Sleeping

heavy wigeon
#

I feel amazing

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Im doing so great

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Yeahhh

heavy wigeon
#

This*

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Yeah

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I aint gonna sh no more

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All i needed was my meds

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Yeahhh

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I feel so happy

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YEAHH

heavy wigeon
#

Men

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Man*

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Imma drinkt he rest of the coffee

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That stuff taste soo good

heavy wigeon
#

All i know is i feel good

heavy wigeon
#

Ok

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That coffee made me tired

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Ugh i wanna sleep

heavy wigeon
#

It burns so bad

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Why did i even do it

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What was i thinking

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Why do i keep switching

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This music

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Man its so great

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AHHH

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FUCK

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MY STOMACH HURTSSS

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Omg

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It hurts

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Stop hurting

heavy wigeon
#

It stopped

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Im tired now

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Dude

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This is so boring

heavy wigeon
#

I just want my bowels to move normally

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Its so painful

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Whatever they are doing

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I just want the pain gone

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I want them to move normally

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Not too fast

heavy wigeon
#

I feel like they are ignoring me

heavy wigeon
#

Who

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Aw

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Sorry to hear

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Its ok

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Im seeing things that arent there

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Its worse

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Today

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I need the medicine to work

heavy wigeon
#

No one ignoring me

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I feel like the worst person ever

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Like someone that makes people worse

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I feel like people dont like me

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I feel annoying

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Idk how to describe how i feel in word

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Words

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Cus when i try to describe it in words

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I fail

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I dont describe the right thing

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I just know im in pain

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I want my stomach to work correctly

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Nevermind

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Im fine

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Idk what to do

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How to feel better

#

When idk how i feel

heavy wigeon
heavy wigeon
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Am i tho

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Nevermind for everything i said here

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Nevermind

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New start now

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Anyways

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I wonder why my body feels like this

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I feel weak

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Sick

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Bad

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I wont die

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I wont

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I will survive

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I will live

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Ill be ok

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I have a fever

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And a infected ||wound||

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I hope i dont have sepsis

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Ik i need to go to hospital, but urgent cares better

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Less money

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Ill go tomorrow

#

I shouldve been more carefull

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More sterile

heavy wigeon
#

I don't wanna die

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I wanna live

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Ill be ok

inland pendant
#

I wish you the BEST luck. :D You can get through it, I hope. <3

vague dagger
heavy wigeon
heavy wigeon
heavy wigeon
#

Im the problem

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Im not lying about who i am

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Maybe i just dont deserve love in any way

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Im the problem

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I ruin things

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When i try not to

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Im not lying about my age

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Just cus i failed a grade doesn't mean anything

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Im sorry for lying and saying i didn't fail a grade

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Ik im he problem its me

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The*

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Its not them

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It could never be anyone

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Im also wrong for trying to be angry instead of having mental breakdowns everyday

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Its all my fault

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All. My. Fault.

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Bc its not theirs

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If its not theirs

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Then who is it

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Its mine

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My fault

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Not theirs

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I cant even describe the way i feel rn

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And what im thinking

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The thoughts keep going too fast

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I get attached to someone really quickly

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I ...

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I this i that

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Im hurt

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I dont wanna lose them too

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I dont wanna be hurt or scared

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How can i portect myself from being hurt

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Without..

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Losing them

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When i dont wanna lose them

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I couldnt stand to

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I wanna go to heaven soon again

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I feel sick

#

My heart hurts

#

I just want to talk to someone and they listen

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And not judge

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Im so afraid of losing people

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Why do i get so attatched or however you spell it

#

.

#

Idk what to say

#

Atp

#

Ive been hurt too much

#

Broken and broken and broken

#

Till i cant be broken no more

#

Im in the wrong

#

Im wrong

#

Im the worst

#

I must deserve this

heavy wigeon
#

I dont deserve to be happy

#

I mustve did something wrong right

#

Yeah

#

I must had

heavy wigeon
#

This*

heavy wigeon
#

Etc

#

They say im not the worst and that im the best and etc

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But

#

Idk if thats true

#

Idk whats true

#

I mean

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I do know whats true for somehings

#

But not everything

#

So

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Whats true

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Is it true i deserve this

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Idk how to say it without people misunderstanding, myself misunderstanding if i re read this

#

Like

#

They didnt do anyhing wrong

#

They deserve to be happy

#

They deserve better

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Etc

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Ok

#

Ive been hurt so many times

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Sad so many times

#

Im starting to wonder if i deserve this, to feel sad, to be hurt

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Not happy

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No one did anything wrong

#

Im just saying

#

Like

#

Do i deserve to be bullied in school

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And i get hurt by it

#

Things like that

heavy wigeon
#

But my future

#

I wanna be happy one day and know what i deserve

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And not think i deserve to be bullied

#

Being bullied hurts

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Do i deserve to be hurt

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Do i deserve to lose friends

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Lose relationships

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Yes

#

But i also deserve to not be hurt

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To have friends

#

To have relationships

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Like family

#

Etc

#

We lose things sometimes

#

Omfg

#

Idk how to explain this

#

Without someone misunderstanding

#

Im already confused and misunderstanding what i said

#

When i re read it

#

Like shit dude

#

Ugh

#

I do deserve to be hurt

#

But the hurt

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What type of hurt

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Its the type of hurt

#

Like

#

Theres the hurt by people, or being sad, or this that blah blah blah

#

The type of hurt im talking about

#

Is the being sad

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And losing relationships

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Type of being hurt

vague dagger
heavy wigeon
#

And being bullied

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And being talked shit about

#

Etc

heavy wigeon
#

But i dont wanna ruin my future

#

I xont wanna ruin my life

#

I dont wanna hurt someone

#

I dont wanna get beat up

#

So

heavy wigeon
vague dagger
heavy wigeon
#

Im fucking pissed off

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Im not fucking sad im pissed off

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Cus these bitches at school

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Little immature breat

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Brats*

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Worse than 7 year olds

#

Like shut up when the teacher says too

#

You dont need iss, behavior blah blah blah on your record

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Stop ruining your future

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Cant control people yo

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So"

#

Im sorry for talking shit about them too

#

But they are the ones who wanna pms

#

Pmo*

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Omfg

#

Stop knocking on my fucking door

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Leave me alone

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OK YOU WANNA FIGHT CRIS

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OH YEAH YOU WANNA FIGHT ALRIGHT

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Bitch better fucking stop before i go out there and yell at whoever knocking on my door

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OMG SHIT THE FUCK FRJDUJDDNNBDXNNFNHCFJHCHCHCIC

#

BITCH

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SHUT THE FUCK UP MAN

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Omg this little party pooper

#

Im already mad

#

Bitch before i open and slam this door right in his fucking face

#

Oh hahahahhaa

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You wanna do more BANGING

#

Yeah your getting it

#

Im gonna spank your ass

#

If your my brother

#

Oh ahahahaha

#

And guess who

#

It was him

#

Annoying rat

#

Hes not a bitch

#

Can be an ass

#

But thats bout it

#

Man i dont even know what im talking about

#

Alr

#

If this lemme find a nickname

#

Rat

#

If this rat starts banging my on door again

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And dont say

#

Hey can i get this

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Outside the fucking door

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Imma be so pmo

#

I wanna hit the damn wall

#

This rat got me annoyed

#

Like stop

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Stop banging on my door

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Dont come on

#

And one thign you should do is say what you want outside the door

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Not wait till i open it

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Not just barge in

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Wait

#

Use your words

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Not be a annoying rat

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Like come on man

#

Got me calming down just talking about it

#

Anyways

#

Im sorry for everything

#

Im sorry for calling you a bitch "brother"

#

Ik you cant and wont see this

#

I just dont wanna say it to your face

#

Bc that will make me more pissed off

#

Im sorry for saying all that stuff

#

And im sorry for saying all that stuff

#

That wasn't about you

#

And im sorry about everything in the journal

#

Everything ive said

#

Nevermind about all of it

#

Hehe

#

Just have to do the little apologys

#

Or

#

Whatever you call them

#

Idk

#

Anyways

#

Omfg

#

Come on spotify

#

Yeah

#

I love this song

#

I could beat them kids up wih this song

#

Motivates me so much

#

Yeahhhhhhh

#

Lets go

#

Anyways

heavy wigeon
#

I just having day dreams

#

Hehehe

#

Anyways

#

If that rat starts his stomping on the floor session tonight

#

I am gonna hit the damn walls if no one home

#

Like stop pmo

#

Anyways

#

I could start playing my instrument 100% correctly how my band director says too

#

Im so fucking pissed off from those kids

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Anyways

#

I got some funny ideas

#

OMFG

#

STOP PLAYING NICKI SONGS

#

IK I LIKE HER SONGS

#

BUT IT AINT THE MOOD RN

#

Alr

#

I found a one that fits the mood

#

This a banger

#

Anyways

#

Making my thoughts be angry instead of whatever in school motivates me so much

#

Motivates me to get through the day

#

Like if you gonna bully me

#

Im gonna ignore you

#

Fucking assholes

#

You wanna bully me huh

#

Omg this is so funny

#

Well i can bully you right back

#

Would you like that

#

Huh

#

Wouldn't you like to be bullied

#

If you wanna bully

#

No

#

You prob wouldnt

#

So shut yalls little mouths up and listen to the teacher

#

Alr

#

They prob wouldnt listen from that

#

But whatsver

#

It is what it is

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OMG IMMA BEAT THIS PERSON UP

#

Ok i didnt

#

I thought it was my brother it wasnt

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They were knocking at my door

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Like leave me alone

#

Stop asking me if i wanna eat

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Im not hungry

#

If i was i would be searching the kitchen for some food that i wanna eat

#

And im not

#

So leave me alone

#

Omfg stop yelling

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Annoying

#

Like stop fighting buds

#

Stop

heavy wigeon
#

Annoying

#

They aint ways

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Always*

#

Its jst

#

Annoying when they do

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Like every day

#

Argue when you gotta go to school

#

Like shut up rat

#

And

#

Rats

#

Man

#

Yesterday was great

#

I felt so great and good and happy

#

Not fucking pissed off

#

What happened

#

What changed hih

#

Huh*

#

Omfg

#

Spotify

#

Stop giving me annoying songs

#

THE SAME SONGS OVER AND OVER

#

STOP

#

Ok

#

It finally

#

Stopped putting that one annoying song on over and over

#

Man im bored

#

Hm

#

I gotta idea

#

A good one too

#

Yea i think im wrong