Kaz's venting journal | Huddle | Page 2

heavy wigeon Sep 21, 2025, 7:18 PM

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Ill tell someone

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And maybe ill get therapy

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Instead of inpatient

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And get better

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I want my friends to get better

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I want everyone to get better

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But

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Even if i get therapy im still gonna do it

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So whats the point of that

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Im not ok

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I dont like lying to my friends

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But its gonna be ok

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Omfg

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Whens the meds gonna fucking help me

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Stop theses fucking voices saying to hurt myself

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I want to head bang maybe that will make it stop

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Tw: suicidal thoughts || im having suicidal thoughts again and im in pain physically and mentally ||

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Im better now again

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Cus talking to pookie

finite laurel Sep 21, 2025, 7:55 PM

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You just reminded me of a random story where I went to a market that had just opened up and helped myself to some banana pudding. Crazy how something so simple used to be able to make me happy

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Good friend you got yourself

heavy wigeon Sep 21, 2025, 9:37 PM

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Omg

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My bestie

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I love him so much /p

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And i care about him so much

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He makes me so happy

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Im glad to have him

heavy wigeon Sep 21, 2025, 11:20 PM

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I miss emi

heavy wigeon Sep 21, 2025, 11:29 PM

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heavy wigeon I miss emi

I miss her too

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I think

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Omg

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Onmfg

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He found out

heavy wigeon Sep 21, 2025, 11:39 PM

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heavy wigeon He found out

??

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Who found out abt what?

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He asked to see my arms

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I said no

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He knows

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Shit

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Your dad?

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Yes

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Ah jeez kaz

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Im sorry

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Its ok

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Im scared

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I knew this would happen

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I dont want to be around him

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He scares me

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Now

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My

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Uhh

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Lets call her a

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Now a knows

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Shes my aunt

heavy wigeon Sep 22, 2025, 1:00 AM

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Omg

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They all found out

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Oh shit

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Well

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Atleast im not getting put in a hospital

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IT FUCKING BURNS

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FUCK THIS FUCKING SHIT

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I WANT IT ALL TO END

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FUCK THIS

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FUCK THIS FCUK THIS

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ITS NOT GONNA END THO

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FUCK THIS SHOT

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Shit*

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WHY DID THEY HAVE TO FIND OUT

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I want to do it again

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I want fo fucking sh

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This fucking upsetse

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Me*

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 1:39 AM

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Im so drained

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Mentally

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I want to be cuddled

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Feel loved

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Not unloving

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I miss

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I miss feeling loved

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Why are the long distance friends the people to make me happy and loved

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Why cant my family do that too

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 2:34 AM

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heavy wigeon Im so drained

Same

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 2:35 AM

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heavy wigeon Mentally

Same

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 2:35 AM

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heavy wigeon I want to be cuddled

Same

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 2:35 AM

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heavy wigeon Feel loved

Same

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 2:35 AM

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heavy wigeon I miss feeling loved

Same

finite laurel Sep 23, 2025, 7:54 AM

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I wanted this stuff once. Too late now

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 10:29 AM

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heavy wigeon Same

Im so sorry about that i really hope it does get better soon and not later

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I wanna kms

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I wanna sh so bad

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No one can stop me

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Might as well try

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I cant keep my eyes open i am falling asleep every 5 secs

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I cant take it anymore

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I just want it to be over

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 10:44 AM

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heavy wigeon Might as well try

Not like anyone would care if i attempt

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Its so cold

finite laurel Sep 23, 2025, 1:34 PM

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I don’t like to see people suffering

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I view death as an escape from it so it would be kinda hypocritical of me to say not to do it

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What I will say is please be careful not to hurt yourself

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Cutting veins open like I’ve heard you talk about is pretty damaging

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 9:59 PM

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Im so worried about my friend

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He doesnt want help

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Im so fucking worried about him

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I just want him to be doing good

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Not bad

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I care about him so much

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Is hope he does get better

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I hope he gets better

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I hope he gets better

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I hope he gets better

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Not worse

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Better

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I hope he wants and gets help one day

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I care about him so much

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I dont want him to get worse

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Or to stay this bad

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I want him to get better

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I hope he gets better

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I love him so much /platonic

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I hope he gets better

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Bro i hope hes ok

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Im so scared to be left at home with this guy

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That I'm living with

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Im like

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What if he does something to me

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Etc

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Im fucking scared of him

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I just want him to leave me alone

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 10:14 PM

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heavy wigeon Bro i hope hes ok

?

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The other dude

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Or are you talm bout me

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 10:14 PM

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heavy wigeon Or are you talm bout me

Im talking about you

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 10:14 PM

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heavy wigeon Im talking about you

Oh

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Well I appreciate

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Im doing my best

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Yw

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huddlerawr hugs hugs hugs

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 10:15 PM

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heavy wigeon <:huddlerawr:854758762292183040> <:huddlerawr:854758762292183040> <:hugs:9928230...

Awww HUGGIES

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 10:15 PM

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heavy wigeon Awww HUGGIES

https://tenor.com/view/carti-kanye-west-kanye-west-kanye-and-carti-hug-gif-1406043760487262001

Tenor

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 10:20 PM

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heavy wigeon That I'm living with

Im so scared every noise i hear

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I hope he leaves me alone

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I hope he leaves me alone

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I hope

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 10:26 PM

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heavy wigeon Im so scared every noise i hear

I cant even eat when im hungry, i feel not hungry how scared i am

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I hope hes outside

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 10:42 PM

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Ok

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Nothing bad

vague dagger Sep 23, 2025, 11:02 PM

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heavy wigeon Nothing bad

Doing better?

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 11:02 PM

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vague dagger Doing better?

Idk

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Not gonna kms now cus i got hope it will get better (aint gonna last long)

finite laurel Sep 23, 2025, 11:07 PM

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Well, try to hold onto the feeling for as long as you can I guess

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 11:07 PM

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No

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I wanna be happy

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Not sad

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Lolll

vague dagger Sep 23, 2025, 11:07 PM

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Sorry to hear that Hope you feel better soon

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 11:08 PM

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Its ok

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Ty

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 11:08 PM

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heavy wigeon No

Idk which way u mean it

vague dagger Sep 23, 2025, 11:08 PM

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heavy wigeon Ty

No problem I'm always Here for you

finite laurel Sep 23, 2025, 11:09 PM

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heavy wigeon Idk which way u mean it

Got me confused too. Was saying to hold onto that feeling of hope as long as you can

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 11:10 PM

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finite laurel Got me confused too. Was saying to hold onto that feeling of hope as long as you...

Ohhhh ok

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Ill try to have hope

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 11:30 PM

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Having suicidal thoughts again

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Its ok tho

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I wanna know why

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Why

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Like why

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Why

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Why me

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Why it meant to be this way

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Or what

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I wonder

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What if i never started nvm

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Cus that didnt happen

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It is what it is

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It made me who i am today

vague dagger Sep 23, 2025, 11:31 PM

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heavy wigeon It made me who i am today

Yes! ❤️

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 11:32 PM

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vague dagger Yes! ❤️

Shakira

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I wanna make kandi

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A kandi cuff

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But i aint got enough string

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Dude

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 11:32 PM

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heavy wigeon I wanna make kandi

Candy?

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Or am i like

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Slow

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 11:32 PM

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heavy wigeon Candy?

Noo, bracelets

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Lmao

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 11:32 PM

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heavy wigeon Noo, bracelets

Oooooooh

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Shi mb

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Its ok

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 11:33 PM

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heavy wigeon Dude

I wanna eat mac in cheese

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Its so great

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 11:35 PM

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heavy wigeon I wanna eat mac in cheese

Me too

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 11:38 PM

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heavy wigeon Me too

Yum yum

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I wanna do something

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Im so bored

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Like

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Idk

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Same

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|| i wanna hurt myself i want the pain to be gone, i want to end it all so the pain, etc will be gone and ill be happy and in peace but i cant ||

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And

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|| ending it all sounds like it could help with that, stopping all the problems etc, but idk if its true or not ||

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But

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I cant end it all

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I cant hurt myself

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I mean i can

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But

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I dont want them to find out or them to be the ones to find me

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And

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I can || sh || i just havent got the energy too

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Which

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Ig

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Is good people would say

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But idk

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How am i gonna calm myself donw without sh

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How

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How am i gonna stop all my problems and stuff without ending it

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Idk

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Idfk

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I just want my friends to get better and do good and be good

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And not be bad

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I love them so much platonic

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I want them to get better

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I hope they do get better

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Not worse

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Not stay the worse they already are

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I want them to get better

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Yeah im just gonna end it all at this point i cant take the pain

heavy wigeon Sep 23, 2025, 11:47 PM

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heavy wigeon I can || sh || i just havent got the energy too

Alr that would be the best thing to do at the moment

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Instead of waiting months for the pain to leave

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I just

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Cant take it anymore

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Please dont.

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Why am i seeing things that aint there

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Why do the voices still be there

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No matter what i do

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Im always afraid

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Always having the sh thoughts

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And ||suicidal thoughts||

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Why didnt it work

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Dude

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Its getting worse

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The voices

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They are literally telling me to kns

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Kms*

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When the fuck is everything gonna be over

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I want it all over

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I want it all to end

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Fuck this shit

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I dont even know what im tlaking about

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Half the fucking time

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One minute im on autopilot

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Then

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For 3 fucking seconds im me

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I cant take this dumb shit

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I want to end it all

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Fuck this

heavy wigeon Sep 24, 2025, 12:00 AM

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heavy wigeon Please dont.

I wont

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For now

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But dont worry about me

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Im always ok

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Im always fine

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Dw

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What the fuck was i talking about

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I dont remember saying this stuff

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Im prob just tired

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I wanna end it all

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What is wrong with me

heavy wigeon Sep 24, 2025, 8:24 PM

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Im probably gonna relapse

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If thats even what its called anymore

heavy wigeon Sep 24, 2025, 8:50 PM

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heavy wigeon Im probably gonna relapse

Doing well controling my body rn

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Drank 166 mg caffeine even tho something

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My heart is racing

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My brain thinks im worried about something even tho im not

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Holy shit

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Found pulse oximeter

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Am i having a heart attack

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Why is it 160 resting heart rate

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And 190 stand

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What the fuck

heavy wigeon Sep 24, 2025, 8:53 PM

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heavy wigeon Am i having a heart attack

Im not, cus i dont have chest pain

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Omg omg omg omggggf

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HE MAKES ME SO HAPPY

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I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

heavy wigeon Sep 24, 2025, 10:13 PM

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Man

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My stomach just dropped bc what i was just told

heavy wigeon Sep 24, 2025, 10:14 PM

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heavy wigeon My stomach just dropped bc what i was just told

????

heavy wigeon Sep 24, 2025, 10:16 PM

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heavy wigeon ????

The person who abused me got out of jail

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A few weeks ago

heavy wigeon Sep 24, 2025, 10:16 PM

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heavy wigeon The person who abused me got out of jail

Oh shit

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Im scared

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Please stay safe

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She already assaulted someone

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Omg

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A week ago

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Lock her back up!!!!

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Bro what?)!!)?)?!

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Get her back in there

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What is your police force doing

heavy wigeon Sep 24, 2025, 10:17 PM

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heavy wigeon What is your police force doing

They said they couldnt keep her there bc of her actions

heavy wigeon Sep 24, 2025, 10:17 PM

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heavy wigeon They said they couldnt keep her there bc of her actions

BRO WTHATSHEHDUDJD

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Wtf is my body doing

heavy wigeon Sep 24, 2025, 10:17 PM

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heavy wigeon Wtf is my body doing

Nah

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Whats going on?

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Im having diarrhea of stomach acid

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Ooooohhhhhh

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That sounds painful ngl

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Terribly sorry to hear

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Its ok not your fault

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Im so scared

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Im so worried

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I wanna cry but the tears wont come out

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I dont want her in my life

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She scares me

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I need to calm down

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My stomach is in knots around him

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I wanna puke

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Im so nauseous

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Im scared of him

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Might be the reason why my bowels are doing this

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My heart rate is high again

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Shit

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Im scared of doing anything around him

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Why does he have to live with me

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Im scared to be alone with him

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Im scared hes gonna do something that scares me or upsets me even tho he sint

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I feel the need to hide everything

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Even tho its not bad

heavy wigeon Sep 24, 2025, 10:56 PM

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Im so scared

vague dagger Sep 24, 2025, 10:58 PM

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heavy wigeon Im scared of him

Sorry who is the guy?

heavy wigeon Sep 24, 2025, 10:59 PM

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vague dagger Sorry who is the guy?

My dad

vague dagger Sep 24, 2025, 10:59 PM

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heavy wigeon My dad

Oh. He done anything to scare you before?

heavy wigeon Sep 24, 2025, 11:07 PM

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Yes

heavy wigeon Sep 24, 2025, 11:07 PM

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heavy wigeon Im having diarrhea of stomach acid

Its cus the stress im having

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I wanna go back to school

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I dont like being home anymore

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Unless hes not here

heavy wigeon Sep 25, 2025, 2:38 AM

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I keep shaking uncontrollably

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Tw: boring, dont click on || My heart rate was in the 200s the pulse oximeter said ||

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Im so tired

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Im going to sleep

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Go to bed kaz

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You need sleep

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Ok goodnight

heavy wigeon Sep 25, 2025, 2:42 AM

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heavy wigeon Ok goodnight

Goodnight kaz

heavy wigeon Sep 25, 2025, 3:23 AM

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Such a nice sleep

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Anyways

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Im bored

heavy wigeon Sep 25, 2025, 3:48 AM

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I just drank a lot of water

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SHOULD pee a lot soon

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And not just

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Pee a lil

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Cus if i do

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WHERES THE WATER GOING

heavy wigeon Sep 25, 2025, 11:35 AM

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Im fine

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But anyways

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Im so bordx

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I wanna go back to sleep

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Im so tired

heavy wigeon Sep 25, 2025, 12:36 PM

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Ok im bored

heavy wigeon Sep 26, 2025, 8:09 PM

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Im so sorry that i didnt help you when i tried my best to help you get better

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Lemme reword that

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Im so sorry that what i did to try and make you better didnt make you better

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This grief will idk

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Im sorry i couldnt save you

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When i tried and tried to save you

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Im sorry about everything

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Omg

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Why has this happened

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Idk why i did that

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Why i told her why i told someone at all

heavy wigeon Sep 26, 2025, 9:25 PM

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Is this real life

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Bc what happened today

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I dont deserve help

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I dont need help

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I just need to stay home

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Around the person i absolutely do not wanna go around

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And its the weekend now

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So

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Oh wow all fucking day long

heavy wigeon Sep 26, 2025, 9:52 PM

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I wanna cry

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Bc my friend what he wrote in his journal im so worried and his status

heavy wigeon Sep 26, 2025, 10:36 PM

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heavy wigeon Bc my friend what he wrote in his journal im so worried and his status

?

heavy wigeon Sep 27, 2025, 1:21 AM

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MAN

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FUCK THIS

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THIS SHIT SUCKS

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!!!!!!

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But anywys

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Im home

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I wanna beat the walls the fuck up

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Bang on he foor

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Kick he walls

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Hit the walls

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Scream yell

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Cus

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Ok back

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They found my blade

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They know

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FUCK THIS FUCKING SHIT

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I WANT HIM GONE

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I WANT TO LIVE ALONE WITH MY #### ### ####

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And cats

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And dogs

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NOT LIVE WITH #### ###

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Ok

#

So

heavy wigeon Sep 27, 2025, 1:54 AM

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heavy wigeon I WANT HIM GONE

Not anyone online

heavy wigeon Sep 27, 2025, 11:34 AM

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Did i ruin my life did i ruin everything

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I feel so weird

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Like

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Everything pauses and im not there for like 5-15 secs then i come back

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Etc

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Its not fair

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Too many thoughts at once

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Doing things idk why

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Why are my ribs flared

heavy wigeon Sep 27, 2025, 12:28 PM

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"i got the shoes, i got the dress, which makes me a princess"

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Song

heavy wigeon Sep 27, 2025, 7:30 PM

#

#

BEES

#

#

BEES

heavy wigeon Sep 27, 2025, 7:49 PM

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heavy wigeon

Very cute

#

I can feel my braces moving my tooth

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It hurts

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Yay

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My tooths straight

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I can feel it

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Just had to push it a lil

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In place

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Yay

heavy wigeon Sep 27, 2025, 8:38 PM

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I hate meat

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I dont wanna eat meat

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Even tho i did 3 hours later

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3 mins ago*

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Fuck that

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Fuck breaking diets

heavy wigeon Sep 27, 2025, 9:06 PM

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Why was i uncontrollable

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What was i thinking

heavy wigeon Sep 28, 2025, 1:20 PM

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"guess i better wash my mouth out with soap"

heavy wigeon Sep 28, 2025, 1:34 PM

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heavy wigeon Fuck breaking diets

Vegiterian

heavy wigeon Sep 28, 2025, 1:35 PM

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heavy wigeon What was i thinking

Dyed my hair 3 times day

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Beep

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Boop

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Beeees

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Bees

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Bees

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Trees

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/rank

#

:rank

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Huhh

#

!rank

nova pilotBOT Sep 28, 2025, 1:37 PM

#

heavy wigeon Sep 28, 2025, 1:37 PM

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Damn it

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Why aint it at 27 not 28 oh cus it leveled up

heavy wigeon Sep 28, 2025, 3:22 PM

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I miss him

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But he needs to do whats best for him

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Ill just miss him even tho idk

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I hope we become friends

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I love him so much /p

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I just hope hes ok

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Even better than ok

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I wanna kms this is too much for me but i promised him i wouldnt

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So i cant

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I will always love him /p

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Omg yay were besties

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He makes me so happy

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Im hurting

#

I just want him to be happy

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Why do break ups hurt so much

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I just wanna cry so much

#

But i gotta move on

#

But idk how

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I feel jealous that people get comforted, cuddled, hugged, get told they are loved and cared for irl

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I need to sh but i cant until i know if the promises are gone or not

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Maybe i dont deserve love or anythig

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Like what did i do wrong

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Maybe all i deserve is pain

vague dagger Sep 28, 2025, 3:34 PM

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heavy wigeon Maybe all i deserve is pain

You deserve love. You got this Kaz!

vague dagger Sep 28, 2025, 3:34 PM

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heavy wigeon I feel jealous that people get comforted, cuddled, hugged, get told they are lov...

Same🫂 😭

heavy wigeon Sep 28, 2025, 3:36 PM

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I miss him

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We can we wait we promised not to do now

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Do what *

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I hope he doesnt khs

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Or hurt himself

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I love him so much /p

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Even tho he doesnt love me /p

#

It hurts so much

heavy wigeon Sep 28, 2025, 3:40 PM

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heavy wigeon We can we wait we promised not to do now

Nvm

#

It hurts

#

I dont deserve love

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I deserve this

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Right?

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He doesnt know if it was a break up ughhh

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Still hurts

#

Im sorry for what i did everything

heavy wigeon Sep 28, 2025, 4:16 PM

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Im sorry for everything

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I wanna be ok

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Not having derealization

vague dagger Sep 28, 2025, 4:25 PM

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You got this!

heavy wigeon Sep 28, 2025, 4:31 PM

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I fucked ul

#

Up*

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I told him i sh cus i thought i wasnt ever gonna talk to him again

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Then he said he got idea

#

NO

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Whats the idea

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No no

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I misunderstood

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Thats why i did it i dont want him to do something bad

#

Dkskskkej

heavy wigeon Sep 28, 2025, 5:03 PM

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Nvm

#

I didntt mess up

heavy wigeon Sep 28, 2025, 7:54 PM

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My heart is tight

#

It

#

Has these weird feelings sometimes

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And i feel like someones choking me even tho no one is

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Im so close to sh again

heavy wigeon Sep 28, 2025, 9:07 PM

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heavy wigeon Im so close to sh again

Wont i think

heavy wigeon Sep 29, 2025, 12:43 AM

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Oh man this day keeps getting worse

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Cant get no more than this right

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Oh come on

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Fuck this

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Whats wrong with me

#

I wanna relapse on something i havent done in a year

#

I WASTED LIKE HALF OF MY SUMMER TRYING NOT TO RELASPE

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I wanna commit

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I might

#

Tonight

#

When everyones sleep

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Cus im just a failure and a disappointment right?

#

Im not gonna commit im just

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Cant say

#

Which can kill me

#

I dont want to die

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But i dont want to be bullied tho

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So

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Im sorry

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Goodbye

#

If this works

visual fog Sep 29, 2025, 1:45 AM

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@heavy wigeon You are not a failure and people are here to help you. I think you should call an emergency hotline if you are planning on hurting yourself or if you have already hurt yourself.

#

Things will get better and we are here for you. You are not alone huddleheartshape

heavy wigeon Sep 29, 2025, 1:49 AM

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Dude

#

Omg

heavy wigeon Sep 29, 2025, 1:53 AM

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visual fog <@456226577798135808> You are not a failure and people are here to help you. I t...

Ty

#

Can i even save anyone anymore

#

Atp

#

I try and try

#

And look

#

People still kts or relapse

#

Maybe i was born to be a soneone that trys and trys and still gets hurt

#

Im so tired

#

I might pass out

#

I dont wnana die anymore

#

I just want the pain gone

#

Im dizzy

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I hope i xont die

#

I just wanted the paun to begone

#

Im so tieed

#

I need to sleep

#

I eont die

heavy wigeon Sep 29, 2025, 11:17 AM

#

Alive

#

I dont wanna go to school

heavy wigeon Sep 29, 2025, 7:52 PM

#

Im so cold

#

Even tho its around 85°F

#

Its freezing for me

#

Oh its so cold

#

Im so tired

#

And exhausted

#

Even tho i havent done anything for that to happen

heavy wigeon Sep 29, 2025, 8:24 PM

#

Am i sick

#

Cus wtf

#

My heart rate is too high

#

But i drank a lil coffee so its normal

#

Im ok

#

I always say im ok when im not

#

Im not rn

#

Im so tired

#

My body feels weak

#

Exhausted

#

In pain physically and mentally

#

Nothing wilk get rid of this feeling this time

#

Nothing at all

#

Its not gonna go away

#

Like it always does

#

Goes away for a day

#

Oh back to the same feeling but worse huh

#

I just want to cry

#

Im shaking so bad

#

Nothing can help me

#

Nothing is helping me

#

I dont like this

#

I want my life to get better i want to get better

#

But it haven't for YEARS

#

It keeps coming back even stronger

#

Something will help me one day

#

Like

#

Idk

#

Idfk

#

Idk

#

Idk

#

Will i ever get help

#

Will i ever be better

#

Idk

#

If idk

#

Then

#

Will it ever

#

Idk if ill get better

#

What if i dont

#

Will i ever get better wilk life ever get better, idk

#

Alr

#

Im not crying now

#

So

#

Basically

#

I was wondering if it would ever get better

#

I was thinking it wouldnt get better

#

And i didnt have hope

#

But now i have some hope that it will

#

Cus my bestie

#

Hes so kind and caring

#

Im not gonna kms now

#

Alrrr days getting a lil better

finite laurel Sep 29, 2025, 9:07 PM

#

Glad you have someone who you can depend on like that

heavy wigeon Sep 29, 2025, 9:08 PM

#

Ty

#

Uhm i need to check my temp

#

When i feel my forehead

#

Its really hot

#

I do have a fever

#

Ugh

#

WTF

#

Nah

#

Lemme retake

#

101.9 both times

#

But a week ago it was 98

#

How does that make since

heavy wigeon Sep 29, 2025, 9:54 PM

#

Im shaking so bad

#

I dont wanna die

#

I wanna live

heavy wigeon Sep 29, 2025, 11:16 PM

#

Omg

#

Temp still samd

#

I hope i dont die

#

My body hurts

#

Its so cold

#

Im shaking

#

Goosebumps

#

Heart rate high

#

Still not pee enough

#

Of what i drink

#

Still cant eat

#

Stomach hurt when stand up

#

Nauseous

#

Pain in abdomen

#

Feeling morre weak and worse after naps

#

Tired

#

I wanna go to doctor

#

See whats happening

#

Arms hurt

#

Gotta breath through mouth

#

Jaw shaking

#

Heart hurts

#

Expessially when deep breath

#

I dont wanna die

#

I hope i get better

#

Pains a lil better now

#

Oh man i feel like throwing up

#

Stomach hurt

#

I hate pain

#

Wait no i dont hate

#

I dislike

#

Like why my body gotta be like oh this moment you sleeping the next no sleepy, next sleepy

#

Head hurt

#

So sleepy

#

So cold

heavy wigeon Sep 30, 2025, 12:16 AM

#

Omg

#

I feel sick

#

Fever is 102 now

heavy wigeon Sep 30, 2025, 12:36 AM

#

No

heavy wigeon Sep 30, 2025, 12:54 AM

#

I need the er

heavy wigeon Sep 30, 2025, 1:21 AM

#

Going to hospital

heavy wigeon Sep 30, 2025, 5:40 AM

#

Alive

heavy wigeon Sep 30, 2025, 2:55 PM

#

Man

#

Im having these horrible sh thoughts

#

I mean horrible

#

Cus wtf

#

Why do i wanna go ||deeper than ever||

#

I might do it if i get out of control again

heavy wigeon Sep 30, 2025, 3:30 PM

#

Hit vein

#

Hope dont die

#

That wasnt a vein

#

It was an artery

#

Oh man i gotta be more carefull

#

When doing this stuff

#

Onfg

#

Omfg*

#

If this thing dont stop bleeding

#

Im gonna be pissed off

#

Like stop

heavy wigeon Sep 30, 2025, 4:07 PM

#

Pls dont reopen

#

Pls dont start bleeding again

#

I keep checking it every few secs to mak sure its no bleeding

#

I am so cold

heavy wigeon Sep 30, 2025, 4:28 PM

#

DUDE HEHEHHE

#

My bestie makes me SOOOO HAPPY

#

He makes me smile

#

HEHEHHEHE

heavy wigeon Sep 30, 2025, 10:34 PM

#

Ok

#

Yippie

#

Im doing good today

heavy wigeon Oct 1, 2025, 1:58 AM

#

I want to ||kms||

#

So many reasons

#

Why and to do it

#

But theres those reasons to not do it

#

So

#

Idk

#

Which one do i choose

#

To do it or not to do it

#

Tw: suicide ||im probably gonna kms soon, im not gonna write goodbye notes but i want everyone to know its not their fault, exept the people who bully me||

heavy wigeon Oct 1, 2025, 2:18 AM

#

If i cant save this other person im doing it

#

Meh i should do it anyways

#

Not like it matters

#

Not like it would work

#

Did it

#

Im sorry for/to everyone and everything if this works

#

Just remembered my cat

#

I shouldnt have xone it

#

Imma miss her so much

#

I hope i go to heaven

#

I hope she lives a good life

#

And doesnt die young

heavy wigeon Oct 1, 2025, 6:34 AM

#

I miss boden

#

I miss him so much

#

I hope hes ok

#

Actually better than ok

#

Doing good

#

Not bad

#

I hope hes alive

#

Not bad

#

Man im so tired

#

Im falling asleep awake

#

Idk what i feel

#

Its like i dont feel anything on the outside but i feel idk on he inside

#

Like

#

Idk what i feel

#

This hurts too much

#

Everything hurts

#

Mentally

#

Everyhing fucking hurts

#

So bad

#

I wanna do it again

#

Why do i wanna do it again

#

Is it cus it hurts so much

#

The pain is too much

#

To much to deal with

#

Hurts to bad

heavy wigeon Oct 1, 2025, 7:00 AM

#

heavy wigeon Did it

Why do i wanna do it again

heavy wigeon Oct 1, 2025, 7:00 AM

#

heavy wigeon I miss boden

I miss him

#

I hope he didnt khs

heavy wigeon Oct 1, 2025, 7:01 AM

#

heavy wigeon Why do i wanna do it again

But at the same time i dont

#

Idk which one to listen too

#

I dont wanna go to school i wanna lay in bed and sleep

#

All day

#

Like yesterday

#

Half of yesterday

#

Into the eveneen or whatever you call it

#

Until 6pm

#

Or whatever

#

I feel like the shittist person, friend, sister, student, mother of a cat, best friend, etc

heavy wigeon Oct 1, 2025, 7:06 AM

#

heavy wigeon I feel like the shittist person, friend, sister, student, mother of a cat, best ...

Like the worst

#

My rooms a mess again

#

Im scared to go outside

#

Scared to go anywhere other than stay inside the house

#

Scared to go in public

#

Scared of people

#

Scared people will see me

#

The delusions

#

About people

#

What do i do

#

Im seeing things at arent there

#

Like i always do

#

I just need to pretend to have a fever again

#

Cus i feel shitty

#

I feel sick

#

My nose is running

#

Im nauseous

#

Omg

#

Name nkae name

#

Name*

#

heavy wigeon Oct 1, 2025, 7:12 AM

#

heavy wigeon I just need to pretend to have a fever again

Even tho i do

#

Wait

#

But why didnt i all day yesterday

#

This body

heavy wigeon Oct 1, 2025, 7:13 AM

#

heavy wigeon

What im feeling of doing

#

Cus this damn body

#

Ok im sorry heart

#

Why is my heart hurting

#

When i said that

#

Im sorry

#

N i forgive you

#

I wanna stay home

#

I cant blow my nose every few mins

#

Im hearing things that aint there

#

Omg

#

Will my meds ever work

#

Like why is it taking months to work

#

For psychosis

#

And whatever this is

#

My body hurts again

#

My heart

#

I want this pain gone

#

Ok

#

So

#

Nvm

#

Nvm

#

There are a few people

#

That make me happy, really happy, super happy

#

Actual smiling happy

#

In a good wY

#

Way*

#

Cus thats what supposed to happy in friendships, etc

#

Happen*

#

Happen, not happy

#

Why tf am i typing crazy if i dont reread what i type and fix it

#

Cus im tired

#

Prob

heavy wigeon Oct 1, 2025, 7:27 AM

#

heavy wigeon Why do i wanna do it again

Me, myself, & i was the song

#

The urges are horrible

#

To ||sh||

#

But i dont wanna get up

#

So

#

I just wanna stay home

#

I dont wanna get up

#

And if i have to go to school

#

I hope i faint

#

So i can go home

#

Or puke

#

Cus i just wanan stay home

#

I wanna drink

#

I wanna smoke get high be calm but i cant

heavy wigeon Oct 1, 2025, 8:00 AM

#

heavy wigeon To ||sh||

Too weak to do that

#

Even tho i say rhat like everyday

#

Im bored

#

Tired

#

Tired mentally physically

heavy wigeon Oct 1, 2025, 8:39 AM

#

Yea

#

So went to the bathroom

#

Taking a while for me to move back to the bed

#

Bc im so lazy

#

Well

#

Oh well

heavy wigeon Oct 1, 2025, 9:03 AM

#

heavy wigeon Bc im so lazy

Or is it just cus my body only has a certain amount of energy or whatever it called

heavy wigeon Oct 1, 2025, 9:59 AM

#

Showered

heavy wigeon Oct 1, 2025, 10:30 AM

#

These are taking sooo long to heal

#

Im so tired

#

But i gotta stay awake

heavy wigeon Oct 1, 2025, 7:50 PM

#

I miss boden

#

So bad

#

So much

#

I worry about him so much

#

Wondering if hes alive

heavy wigeon Oct 1, 2025, 9:39 PM

#

Im so tired

#

I just want sleep

#

But im not tired at same time

#

I wanna attempt again

#

It makes me feel so nice

#

And good

vague dagger Oct 1, 2025, 10:43 PM

#

heavy wigeon I wanna attempt again

Please don't.

heavy wigeon Oct 2, 2025, 8:35 AM

#

I honestly wanna commit tbh i dont wanna be here anymore i here like a failure and like im the worst person ever, sister, friend, etc, i feel like i ruin everything

#

Bc i do

#

Bc i am

#

No one can stop me now

#

Anything someone says

#

It doesnt help

#

Doesnt work

#

I try i try i try

#

I cant save someone

#

Even when i try

#

I try my best

#

I tried my best to save multiple people

#

Did i

#

For most

#

No

#

Yeah i should just do it

#

Theres way to many reasons

#

To do it

#

No reasons to not do it

#

But 1

#

Thats it

#

And that reason

#

Its not helping anymore

#

I might do it

#

I prob will

#

I feel like everyone hates me

#

Deep down

#

But they just pretend they dont around me

heavy wigeon Oct 2, 2025, 8:41 AM

#

heavy wigeon But 1

So 0

#

My friends won't even reply back

#

So i obviously did somethig wrong

#

Its my fault

#

Always my fault

heavy wigeon Oct 2, 2025, 8:42 AM

#

heavy wigeon Yeah i should just do it

I deserve it

#

Im thinking of doing it tonight

#

Urges are bad

vague dagger Oct 2, 2025, 10:20 AM

#

heavy wigeon Im thinking of doing it tonight

PLEASE NO😭🙏 sadness

heavy wigeon Oct 2, 2025, 12:08 PM

#

Man im just gonna start waiting for people to text first to see if they actually care

vague dagger Oct 2, 2025, 7:44 PM

#

heavy wigeon Man im just gonna start waiting for people to text first to see if they actually...

We so do care!

heavy wigeon Oct 2, 2025, 7:51 PM

#

Ok

heavy wigeon Oct 2, 2025, 8:27 PM

#

BEEES

#

HAAHSHHAHAHAHAHA

#

BEESS

#

I wanna practice something

#

Called a

#

INSTURMENT

#

YEAHHH

#

Butter cups are bagels

vague dagger Oct 2, 2025, 8:28 PM

#

you alrigt???

heavy wigeon Oct 2, 2025, 8:29 PM

#

heavy wigeon INSTURMENT

Cant

heavy wigeon Oct 2, 2025, 8:29 PM

#

vague dagger you alrigt???

Im fine

#

Just wanna punch some bitch in the face and beat them up

#

But everything else is fine

vague dagger Oct 2, 2025, 8:30 PM

#

oh fun

heavy wigeon Oct 2, 2025, 8:30 PM

#

heavy wigeon Just wanna punch some bitch in the face and beat them up

Cus they wanna act like a idiot and be a bully (irl at my school)

#

But they aint no idiot

#

Just saying they act like a bad child

heavy wigeon Oct 2, 2025, 8:37 PM

#

heavy wigeon Cant

Ughhh

#

If i had my stamd

#

Stand*

#

I could

#

But i dont

#

Plus idk which notes im supposed to play

#

Cus i aint got no computa

#

So like

#

What am i supposed to do

#

For the xiolophone

#

Bruh

#

Imma sleep

heavy wigeon Oct 2, 2025, 9:29 PM

#

Accidentally took my 7am med i took at 7am today at 4pm today

#

Instead my 4pm med

#

Uhm

#

Ill be fine

#

Always fine or ok or good

#

Oh man i hope my period stops like tomorrow

heavy wigeon Oct 2, 2025, 10:08 PM

#

I went really crazy this time

#

Couldnt do much since

heavy wigeon Oct 2, 2025, 10:09 PM

#

heavy wigeon Oh man i hope my period stops like tomorrow

This

#

And other blood loss

#

I just hope my friends are doing good

#

I wanna end it all

#

But at the same time some part of me doesnt

#

And that part that doesnt want my too

#

Is the crazy one

#

Its the one that sh

#

Not the other me

#

Not this me

#

The 3rd me

#

Idk how to explain it cus theres only one body of me

#

Im one body

#

Or should i say were

#

Idk

#

Im confused

#

I dont want anyone to know i relapsed on addiction

#

On both addictions

#

||over the counter pills|| and ||sh||

#

Meh

#

Its ok

#

Not gonna kill me

#

It wont

#

So

#

Im good

#

Ig

#

For that

#

But anyways

#

Had a bad day

#

Got frustrated and triggered

#

By myself and people

#

The people were bullying me

#

Im not gonna show my emotions again now

#

Bc they were bullying me bc my emotions

#

And how i looked

#

And myself

#

Bc i couldnt do somehing

#

I feel crazy

#

I feel like im insane

#

Why am i like this

#

Why do i have mental illness

#

Why

#

Why this why that

heavy wigeon Oct 2, 2025, 10:32 PM

#

heavy wigeon Bc they were bullying me bc my emotions

When i went to my next period the people noticed i wasnt ok

#

I was so out of it today

#

It felt like

#

Who is this

#

Who am i

#

I dont feel like myself

#

I feel like im someone else in the same body

#

With this stupid derealization

#

Im so sleepy physically

#

I wanna sleep

#

Sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleeep

#

Not forever

#Kaz's venting journal