Yea okay im counting it right actually
#Lucine's Journal
dim island
Bruh help
Everytime I take a poo I bleed but I don't have my period
My brain feels like it's on a faze holy shit
Wash my belly
Is it weird plums & wash my belly help me with my eating disorders dawg
I need a girlfriend even my therapist said so
'I think that you need someone to love and care for you' IT'S RIGHT HERE
I NEED ITT
COME TO ME LOVE
I NEED A WOMAN
dim island
I'M DYEING MY HAIR WOOOOO
I'm gonna look less like a NPC FUCKING FINALLY
It's gonna be pink not purple tho 💔
dim island
Guys help I'm meeting my friend with an eating disorder just like me and Im afraid she'll get triggered by my body since I'm bmi 14.7
And she gained
And she's like 70kg
I'm so fucking scared she'll start complaining and reposting the 'when your bsf is thinspo' shit
Like omfg
I just realized how thin I am yesterday and Im forcing recovery on myself because geez
But also she's the reason I'm choosing to recover
She's NOT the one I want to be thinspo for so let's hope it'll go smoothly
And she won't stare at my body for too much
Because then I'll already know her thoughts
She has BED while I have ANA & MIA so omg
I'll try not to show my collar bones
.. But I think hands & my face arent normal enough to hide how slim it is even by puffing my cheeks a little and no tactic on my hands will work
This is the first time Im angry at myself for losing
I'm so fucking stupid
I can't even change my mind, I'm like an hour in the drive here
And my fucking legs too
I CAN'T HIDE THAT SHIT OMFGGG
ID DO ANYTHING TO NOT TRIGGER HER LIKE ANYTHING
Let's hope she doesn't compares... Omfgg
I'm so nervous why can't I gain 5kgs for one day
That's pure hell
At least I'll spend my night & day with her..
I wish she confesses tbh.
I fell for her so hard these days
It's crazy
I think she did too.
Because she keeps talking about wanting a gf to me?
Are those signs or am I too hopeful?
Do all this & flirt and she still didn't notice
What I'm doing rn, driving to her is a act of my love too like dawgg
dim island
Guys actually I need advice
Like asap
The Friend I've meet yesterday said some really hurtful shit to me, like "I thought you were a pedo when we first meet" and "when my friend told me we would be a good match since we're both lesbians I blocked her for two days" and treated me like an Emotionless puppet basically. She clearly knew I had feelings for her and we even held hands & flirted.
Actually yk what guys
I'll just text her everything
Idgaf
I don't deserve this shit
About my feelings, about the things she did that hurt me
Idhaf
I'm not losing my appetite again because of a girl that doesn't even care about me
dim island
Are we fucking serious
They're laughing at me now
Her and her cousin
They got me fucked up
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You guys won't believe this shit 😭😭😭
I skipped 2 days of school
And now I'm going shopping
And on the way to the shops I MEET MY 7 FRIENDS
💀
WAITING FOR A BUS
I smiled, waved and walked away because I had music playing
And it was love talk by wayv so I AIN'T pausing that
You ain't gonna catch me pausing bangers
Going to rossman, intermarsche and IKEA atm
There ain't much shops close to my area
And I gotta waste 200 something dollars
Bye I'll go shop now
dim island
Okay so
I did my shopping ✌
I'm focusing so good on protein and cals I got all the right products yay
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"You're probably using your daddy's money!" That's my grandma's
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109 days since I got out of the mental hospital, 154 days since Ive been suffering with anorexia & mia
Time goes by so quickly
That's basically 5 months and a day, soon 2 days so far
And I've went from 67kgs (not trying to meme.) To 37
That's crazy I never would've thought I'd make it this far
This both makes me happy but also scared of how much further will this disorder take me in 2026
I'll just try to maintain if I won't lose more
800 calories a day is what I allow myself so far
Which is a huge change considering I only ate 200 maximum like 1 month ago
So yuppie
I'll then switch to 900,1000..
But I think I'll stay at 950 after I feel comfortable crossing 800
Because 1K is pretty damn triggering to think about
The times I would binge if I had a 1K limit and a mindset that constantly is telling me "that's fine you still have some calories left"
But hey at least I lost 30kgs in 5 months :)
Pretty impressive if you ask me
During these 5 months, I've been thinking about how much a difference there is between the old me and the disordered version of me
Before the disorder I was sweet, insecure but funnier and more outgoing and friendly, but got constantly bullied because of it
And after the disorder developed I just am where I am now, basically miserable, trying to understand the world when my brain is literally show as hell
And of course I began giving everyone the cold shoulder and being more like those girls that wear tops and shorts to just look sexy and be liked
But of course not by men.
I mostly do that because I want attention from the female gaze, idk
Despite all of my trauma with men, I don't find myself begging for a man tbh, I'm just scared of men and that's the only thing that came out of the trauma
I'm just naturally like this I guess, I just love women
I also get more compliments in my sick body, that's why I want to maintain it.
My sick body is the only confidence I have
Sad? Body check
Binged? Body check
Bored? Body check
Unsure if I gained or lost? Body check
I literally don't fucking know how my brain works
My head hurts from the thinking help 😭
I got like a Brain freeze without eating anything cold
The thought that I'd have to recover one day both makes me happy but also scared
I'd allow myself to recover but ONLY because I want to maintain, not lose not gain
If I gain I'll kms
dim island
Scrumptious breakfast for tomorrow (the bar is to make the calorie intake shit more easier or else I'd eat 400-500 cals a day)
IDK WHY TF AM I SERVING IT LIKE THAT
LIKE LMAO
dim island
Scrumptious breakfast for tomorrow (the bar is to make the calorie intake shi...
397 for the whole plate, the lion is 205 and the hot dog 192
I feel like a real ana because idk how the fuck to make good meals with all the stuff I feel safe to eat
Because I have A LOT of fear foods
Gonna try to beat 2 of my fear foods tomorrow which is exactly hot dogs and pancakes (but I'll only eat one)
dim island
I hope the cashier won't think I'm finna slish slash because I'm buying an eyebrow razor 😭😭
Scared but I'm going
dim island
I'm officially in recov, tryna maintain
I'm comfortable with being 37-38tbh
I GOT THE GIRLFRIENDS FROM THE YOGURT SURPRISE THINGY
My loser gf x perfect gf Yuri 🥹
dim island
I'm in the phase of recov where I wanna starve myself again
I don't want the jojo effect
So I'll just eat wtv I want I guess
dim island
I ate like 37grams of protein for breakfast I'm happy because it didn't even take a lot of calories
I'll attempt in like two days to go to 980+ cals a day
I'm taking this sloww
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Though I think in 4 days because I just started taking 880 cals a day on Thursday
I'm taking breaks between typing because i was at the thrift
🤧
I bought a fluffy sweater to match my bag
IT LOOKS SO CUTE ON ME THOOOO
I LOVE IT
dim island
Uh
My great grandma has some type of a chronic disorder that weakens her like whole physique, I think it was about her lungs
And she might be unable to walk soon because she barely has the energy to stand up and she's basically swinging on her legs whenever she walks and they just hurt
I'm scared she'll die soon
I think that unfortunately 2026 will be her last year
I've learnt to just accept things like that and idk how to react to someone I REALLY knew experiencing something like this
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Ts so perfect
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DUDE MY DAMN CHOCOLATE MILK SPILLED AND NOW IT AIN'T PERFECT
897 🥹
Wait it lowkey is a coke zero
You'll see me chugging down a litre of coke zero
Holy shit chocolate milk is lowkey hitting
Is this becoming a addiction
dim island
Bruh my old pictures triggered me so bad
I was so fat
I lost my damn appetite
I was planning on eating tomorrow but now I'm thinking about it
My friend's aren't helping either..
They just laughed at me when I showed the pictures and told me I was always beautiful
So now I'm wondering, are people lying when they say me now is pretty?
This is so tiring
I need to fucking relapse
Omfg
I literally NEED to calm myself down
Whatever why am I even typing this dude
dim island
I'm gonna skip school again, like the 7th day
Though it's probably not even worth going since I'll have to do the whole grade all over again when I move out to America
My friends hate me already anyway
They know I'm just a motherfucker that skips school because she overslept basically but in reality she's just a whore
Whatever dude I'll die anyway
OMFG my dad is calling me
Don't tell me that damn fucking school called him
That I've been absent
I don't have the energy to go to school anyway
I'm having a bad headache because of all the thoughts devouring me
I'm just tired of all of this
Why can't I just die
I feel nauseous as fuck help
I don't have any protein products as well
Fuck
I have to go shopping again
I'm trying my best to not do anything to myself since I'm like 12 days clean
That's A LOT of time imo
dim island
Omfg my dad is pissing me off
He keeps messing with my fashion sense
Goddd he's bugging me
"Why are you so against me" fuck you hoe
I just snapped at him because he caused me trauma and all that shit and now he's trauma dumping
Guilt tripping motherfucker
dim island
Omfg I was at a psychiatrist and my dad KEPT FUCKING INTERRUPTING
I FINALLY KNOW I'M NOT CRAZY THOUGH BECAUSE EVEN THE PSYCHIATRIST HATED HIS AHH
IT WAS VISIBLE AF
she had such beautiful purple hair though :)
And I now have diagnosed autism spectrums
And also she called me more mature than both of my parents combined!!
Best compliment ever
But also it reminds me that people my age have a normal life
While I'm 14 years old and already thinking about starting to drink & smoke though the psychiatrist made me feel better and like I don't want to do it since she said I'm dealing with this whole thing happening extremely well
And I want to keep doing my best
dim island
I need these clothes ☹️
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I just panicked over my protein intake being low and fat intake being high on a choco day
I ended up making it a normal day
Tbh I've been obsessing over chocolate & sugar because they upped my calories
But I'm gonna try volume eating after I'm done eating them because I will NOT be able to diet with these things being here because my family will bug me that I bought these but I'm not eating them and if I wanna die because I'm 'starving myself' 😮💨
I know because I already didn't eat what I didn't wanna eat but I unfortunately bought and it happened
I can just throw them out tho but that would be a waste so maybe give them to my friends
God these thoughts are making me triggered because my brain is just throwing another fucking 400 calorie deficit idea at me
Why doesn't that anorexic & bulimic and stupid binge eating mindset go away
I need to fucking die how did my mind go from whatever I was saying into another fucking panicking episode
GODDD I'M AWARE MY THOUGHTS AND NOT ME ATPP
I hate this shit
I'll just reset the damn thing
dim island
I'm not recovering anymore
I've tried though
And It was an attempt
I hate this shit
dim island
My mom also saw that I cut myself again
And threatened me to get hospitalized FUCKING AGAIN
She keeps threatening me with hospitalization every damn time I do something that someone mentally Ill would do and I've told her multiple times I'm sick and that can't be changed
LIKE OMFG
dim island
I hate the fact I really AM skin and bones
Dude I'm done whatever I don't wanna gain but I don't want my bones to be visible either
That's unattractive
On me, not saying it's unattractive on any of y'all though
If you guys do have bones sticking out literally everywhere
I hate my ribs the most
Esp on my collarbones and stomach
jsheurhehds
I'll go shower whatever
dim island
Idk why but drawing over my side profile made me a tiny bit less insecure about it
It's not THAT bad, right? 🥹🥹
dim island
JOLLYHEAD WHY THANK YOU
dim island
Oh my God my crush reposted something..
I'm definitely not the one she wants dude
I'm literally a messed up mf
GODDD WHYYY
Ofc I'm not lusting but I'm a masochist so I don't think our relationship will be healthy either..
GODDD WHYY
I'll kms
She thinks I'm a lovely energetic girl too..
I'm literally disgusting af
Thank God I'm moving to America in 2 weeks or so
Because oh my God..
I don't want to hurt hrr
Her*
And her feelings because she genuinely seems traumatized
The things I'd do to be better than thia
This*
dim island
Okay I'm gonna vent here because I'm posting wayy too much vent videos on my tiktok to the point it might be worrying for my friends
Okay so
I genuinely feel like my life is not worth it, why? Because 11 year old me that was constantly bullied got sent to a therapist by her school that gave up on her after 3 sessions
And my bad body image started at 8.
I was always convincing myself I'm fat just to get attention from my parents that they never gave me
My mom was either arguing with my dad or helping him sell junk
And my dad was returning everyday drunk like shit
I was seriously convinced that I shouldn't continue to breathe at the age of 10-11
And around when I was 11 close to 12 I would start putting a knife to my throat to calm myself down, because WDYM I have a alcoholic dad, a mom that just obeys him and bullies that are like all the girls in my class and boys too
I was seriously considering pushing that knife quickly so I wouldn't feel much
But of course I got too scared and ended up with my brain giving me reasons to stay alive, like so my mom wouldn't be alone with my dad
And even get killed by him since that's what I thought he was able to do
Everytime they argued I was praying she wouldn't get killed or punched by him to the point I would just act like I didn't care and kept looking at my phone but listened closely just incase I'd hear anything
And of course one day I did, and I heard the line that my mom would say constantly everyday : "Natalia go dress up we're getting out"
That's when I knew I needed to be quick and get dressed in warm clothing
Untill she changed her mind or he would apologize or something and she'd just accept it
I literally begged her for hours to get the fuck out of here and she constantly would question herself : "what if he does something to himself if we leave though?"
Like mom. I don't think that's something to fucking worry about right now
And not to mention my father doesn't allow me to smile or feel emotions
For example, imagine this. you're looking at your phone and you stumble upon a funny video, you chuckle and suddenly someone snaps at you "give me that phone"
And you have to obey because your mind convinces you he'd hurt you if you didn't
Hurt you like he hurts the only person that's a actual parent to you
But maybe worse
And ONE FUCKING NIGHT FINALLY my mom decided we're out
And we moved to my grandma, and after like 2-3 months we moved out to our own house
Fun right?
Well untill it's not
My mom then found a new boyfriend to cope with her loss of my father
And I literally get abused emotionally by him and she gets abused both physically and emotionally
And one day I stumble into a sexual encounter between them , might sound funny but that's literally the reason I started to self harm and went actually deep even though it was my first time , I would do it EVERYDAY , seeing the destroyed doors, dirty house, alcohol smelling floors, balcony and even walls I genuinely was at my lowest and planned my suicide on around the end or middle of the year, I'm not sure what the date exactly was
I tried to overdose on anything I could find but nothing worked
I was basically hoping to get taken by God everyday because I was at my breaking point
Untill she finally decided to lock him out and get him arrested, which didn't go well
There was also a bigass mark that he made by a screwdriver, trying to get into the house
He got sentenced to only 2 years in prison that are ending soon. In just some months.
Later, we sold the house because we couldn't look at it and got a brand new house
But vacation was coming so you know I had to do something
Get an fucking eating disorder to at least have something like a perfect body that one of my old friend has
And that's where I am now, after psych wards, emotional abuse, 2 alcoholic 'fathers', multiple sexual assault incidents, bullying and close to suicide situations
This whole story makes my head hurt tbh
And I think my whole trauma got me into my fucking depression, autism & masochism diagnosis
So that's nice
Wow I talk too much
I'll go now since I think that's too much messages for one day, I'll let you guys know some nice stuff if it happens today or just say more tomorrow
dim island
My mom pmo she's so disgusting dude
We argued again just because I wanted to grab my bag and she said in a annoyed tone "can we go?" And I asked her if I can grab my bag and she said sure and I of course just said thank you and she started cursing like a mother fucking spamming machine
Dang
Maybe I was rude but man I have too much on my mind, especially the fact my grandma said that I'm not anorexic because I eat and that's pretty fucking triggering but at least I lost 0.5kg
37kg does start to sound serious though
UHMMMM
Whatev
The first time I stepped on the scale this morning it was 37.4kg though and I was like
But it's 37.6kg...so wooooo
It's better
I guess
🥀
dim island
Help
I'm going to the doctor tomorrow
I'm scared they'll weight me
What if what they said was true
I will end up back in that place
The fucking psych ward
What did I do to deserve this shit
Omfg I'm panicking already
I'm such a fucking crybaby
dim island
I'M GOING THRIFTING AGAIN
And guess what? The elevator smells like straight up alcohol
Who TF drinks this early in the morning I literally just woke up
dim island
For tomorrow
I want a peach tbh
I'll get a peach
💪
In like 13 mins tho
I gotta wait till it's like for example 12:00 9:00 etc
Like it CAN'T be 13:48
It gotta be straight
I hate ed bro
dim island
Tomorrow is my fourteenth birthday
YIPPIE
Jk I'm not happy
Idk
I hate growing up
But at least hey a year closer to death
I'll starve myself till I die from this disorder
dim island
For tomorrow<:Chiikawa_cute:1393686730472947822>
I did 473 cals so far
I mean, I planned 473
I'll try to add something
To make it more
Till it reaches 650 or 610 at least
dim island
U bought 2 yuris and 2 normal mangas, uno and pusheen sticky notes because my dad got me a 200$ gift card 🥀🥀
dim island
Wowza
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I mean, I planned 473
IT PERFECTLY REACHED 649
dim island
I think my self harm is becoming a addiction uhh
"Just one more" I said to myself but then proceeded to keep trying 💀
I'm uhhh
Whatever
dim island
I'm going to get my hearing checked again
Going to the doctor rn 💪
My grandma gave me ts and my dad delivered it to me 😭 who's gonna tell em I'm not eating that
The flower is cute though
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Oh shit
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My grandma told me that I'm not anorexic because I eat and then she's surprised I barely eat anything at all
And end up walking out of the bathroom after a bath completely weak
Like bruh no way
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friendly scissoring
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God I remember when in the psych ward I was getting slash flashed everyday
That place is the reason I got my addiction to harming myself back
God
Oh how I don't want to go back in here but also want to go back in here
LIKE DAWGWDG
I want to find a girlfriend and I think that place is somewhere that I can find my other half tbh because WDYM I can toxic Yuri with someone else here
Most girls complimented me here too 🥹
And I got my first kiss here LMAO..
I don't regret it though, she deserved it and her lips were so soft
Y'ALL WON'T GET IT
💔
SHE WAS TRYNA RIZZ ME UP SO MANY TIMES BUT I'M NOT THAT EASY TO FLUSTER AND I REGRET NOT ACTING AS IF SHE JUST MADE ME SO FLUSTERED TO THE POINT I FELL IN LOVE
WE WOULD BE QUICKER TO A RELATIONSHIP
BUT I ENDED UP NOT EVEN BEING WITH HER!!
GOD
I think of her everyday and I'm wondering if she thinks of me too
She called me an angel once and it's still on my mind
AND ASKED LITERALLY EVERYBODY IN THE ROOM "she's pretty, right?" LIKE BRORORIEBRHWBBS MAYBE I AM EASY TO FLIRT WITH BECAUSE DAMN THAT MADE ME FEEL SO CHERISHED
IDK IF I EVEN BLUSHED AT THAT MOMENT BUT IT FELT LIKE IT ISTG
I don't even have any contact with her now
Man
I want my future girlfriend to be like her if not her
She was everything I looked for in a woman
Flirtry, soft lips, energetic, can make fun of me without it seeming like an insult but like a playful tease instead and managed to make me and the others laugh, didn't use harsh words with me, when I didn't understand something she would explain it to me so softly which I just realized now how she seemed to talk differently to me then she did with other people
God she might've fell first but I definitely fell harder because damn
Okay whatever I gotta calm down because omg I just need to accept the fact I will never talk to or see her again
GODD BUT SHE SEEMS LIKE THE TYPE OF GIRLFRIEND THAT WOULD SOMETIMES SELFDESTRUCT WITH ME BUT ALSO KNOW TO NOT LET ME GO TOO FAR 🥹🥹
SHE'S SO MY TYPE
DUDE
I NEED TO SHUT MY MOUTH
I think I'll just tell my mom about her when I find a gf so she's not going to be disappointed in a few years after realizing that my first kiss wasn't really my first kiss but a girl from the mental hospital was it 😭
Okay my mom is happy LMaO??
I ended up tearing up though
IDK WHY
Though at least I have somebody to rant about her with
but omg I actually miss sitting on her lap and not being scared to be told I'm heavy
I'll start growing my hair out for her since she liked my long hair back then but I ended up cutting it
MY MOM IS GONNA TEASE ME NOW DUDE
Not that I mind it though, I do want to be reminded of her often
dim island
Uhh help
I've been getting more into gore lately and it's actually gonna ruin my mental health sm more than it already is fucked up if I give in AND I KNOW IT BUT I STILL WANNA
dim island
Alright guys I managed to not relapse after a shower today
But I did do it before today
I've been on day zero free from self harm for like 6 days
I'll try my best to make it my 1st day of no self harm tomorrow
I'm trying so bad but nothings working
dim island
I miss her bro
You'll catch me acting like your friend that still isn't over their damn ex
Because istg she was the perfect example of my type 🥹
dim island
I'm trying to recover so bad from my eating disorder but I can't because every recovery attempt seems like forcing myself to eat bigass portions and gain weight
dim island
I'll try my best to make it my 1st day of no self harm tomorrow
I DID IT 🔥
I'm proud of myself
dim island
i got a pc WOOOOO
i dont know tf to do with it so were balling i guess
i think ill manage to make it to day 2
OMG I NEED THE TOILET ASAP NYE
dim island
i went to the toilet and now im instlling tlauncher
to play with the gang from psychward
🥹
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Real ones chose Keqing
(I know damn well 90% of people chose dehya / mizuki and no one chose tighnari / jean)
GOD I PLAYED FOR LIKE 6 HOURS AND 40 MINS
AND I'VE BEEN ON MY PC FOR LIKE 12 HOURS
OVERALL
DANG
The fact I'm on my phone rn isn't any better
I'm dead without technology
I fear I have an obsession over keqing
Keqingaholic..
Type shit
And uhh I fear THE urge is coming back
dim island
Istgg..
I'm so damn worried about my friend
He was ignoring me for like 2 days by now
I'm trying to check up on him because his boyfriend was dry to him and ignored him and he cried about that
I'm scared he did something to himself
Or worse
And he's back at the psych ward or something
Let's hope he's just taking a break
God I'm panicking
dim island
Distracting myself yet again
I meet a cool co-op partner at least
Me and bro fr (they're a beidou main)
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10 HOURS.
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I've played for 14 hours
Damn
I'll play tomorrow too
Try to reach inazuma & do the ascension thing
dim island
I feel very distracted from my mental illnesses
Because of that damn game
Uhh
That's good I guess
But it's weird to say "oh yeah Genshin made me distracted from my mental illnesses and made me feel better!" LMAOO
I'll try to sleep gn
WSITT
I just realized
I bought manga
But didn't read it
I'll catch up on that when I'm not busy playing 😭
GNN
dim island
First thing in the morning, I went to the kitchen to eat my unhealthy BUT low calorie breakfast
And now I'm logging in on Genshin
Time to grind 👅
dim island
Alright I will go tomorrow
It's too late
I played for like 16 hours
Damn
It getting worse and worse each day 😭
dim island
I need a therapist to talk about my derealizations & OCD suspicions to
Like I swear I feel like every symptom matches me
But ofc my mom won't let me go to my therapist even though I HAVE to have therapy
Became she thinks I don't want it
And I also think I have a personality disorder but I have to look further into it
Something is genuinely wrong with me and it's more than my depression, ADHD, autism and anxiety
There must be more
I have to open up more
And also I still haven't gotten my period.
Because of my weight
There are signs of it but no blood ykwim
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And I also think I have a personality disorder but I have to look further into i...
Actually I'm thinking about OCPD
It matches me so well actually
I don't know
It's as if I have two different people controlling me
I have two opinions
And two different personalities
One day I'm self destructive but happy and the other I'm attempting recovery and nauseous & scared of what's wrong with me
I'm tired of living like this
Without knowing what's wrong with me
I just want to die already
It's not even funny
Every day I hope my next breath will be my last
I feel so pathethic
I just want to get on my knees and beg my friends to help me
Because I feel like no one is ever truly here for me
It's just pity they're talking to me
No one really cares if I think about it
They're just talking to me because I'm talking to them
What if I just disappear
Stop replying
And all of that
Would anyone be worried or would I be the only one worrying about what I'm going to grow up to be
I want to buy a rope and just jump already since there's no way of success when I have autism & ADHD, even my therapist said that I shouldn't expect much from myself
Am I really that useless
I want to be more than just a pathetic mentally Ill girl crying over everything she can't just talk about to the people she cares about
No one wants to ever hear me out unless it's a therapist clearly forced to give me the session because they get paid from it
They're just here for the money, not to help
Why am I never going to recover
I want to be normal and happy like everyone else
Why do I help anyone and no one even asks me if I'm fine
Every day I hope to receive even a simple message asking 'are you okay?' Because they noticed.
I need somebody to notice
So bad
Please god just give me peace and take me out of this unfair world
I'm doing everything to be loved, I even got a piercing, dyed my hair, made myself thinner eyebrows, lost 30+kg in a short period of time yet still no one loved me
I mean I've been in my first relationship with a girl in the psych ward but she practically cheated.
I remember the time she showed me a hickey somebody gave her and I asked her 'what about us?' And she didn't even know what I was talking about
And the girl I kissed, I wasn't in a relationship with her
But that girl
She could've saved me from this misery I'm in right now
By me being her 'Angel' or what ever she called me.
It made me so much less insecure
She helped me so much without even knowing it
Oh my god
I just want her back
I'm attached, obsessed even.
Like a damn dog
She only kissed me once and I didn't try to flirt with her and now I regret it
I remember when I sat on her lap and she made me feel unashamed of my weight
When she lifted me up without struggle and I managed to lift her up too even with my weak body just to prove to her that she's not heavy
I tried to lift her up so bad I would hate myself if I didn't so I just forced my body into power lol
But I fear I'm the other woman
She has a girlfriend.. Or does she?
I don't know
I don't know why she kissed me back then
Did they break up?
DUDE
I don't even know the ansers
Answers
Though I don't regret my actions however
She could've been my everything
I miss her
If only we met in the right place
She would've been mine
And I would've been hers
I hope she one day will know that I think about her as yaemiko when I see anything eimiko related
How she used to tease me, flirt with me, try to get a reaction out of me
She gets it now and I know my feelings are something more than love
It's real
My feelings are real
No matter what, they will always remain
Because I'll never let her leave my mindset
dim island
I catched up with a old friend
she made me realize how much people can argue yet still be so comfortable with each other
It's nearly beautiful
We played Genshin for like 3 hours lol
She helped me lots
Since she's high ar
dim island
I catched up with a old friend
And I'm gonna match with my now refreshed friend!
Since she has Raiden
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im scared
i actually think my life is about to end soon
i keep making my calories lower n lower
everything is starting to blue slightly
blur*
i feel like throwing up
i dont want to rlly die
i hate not being able to lose weight normally
im already 37kg what do i expect from myself
why cant i seem to stop
dim island
my mom gained weight idk why but my mind keeps thinking about it and it's seriously disgusting how I'm happy about that fact
Anwyays
I ordered a Jirai set and it's going to come today
YUPPIE
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just a disclaimer to all the people texting or adding me : i DONT accept requests or message reqs, i only reply to people i already texted b4
i lowk just changed lol
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I fear drinking monster ruined my teeth
But who gaf
We love monster
Monster supremacy 🙏
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My mom just told my grandma they're going to starve themselves today because she asked if there's gonna be breakfast and I told her 'alright, starvation' and she literally snapped at me like 'definitely not for you' 💀💀💀
Who TF says that with a disordered child inside the house
Like don't they know even hearing the word starvation I'm lowkey fighting the urges from it
dim island
So guilty jsbsizbxusghakaajb
Ate the whole damn cup as lunch
Monster for dinner it is 😭😭
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woof
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My grandma & mom both hate me and I'm sure of it
They want me dead already
I should just give up already it's not worth it
God
I need to get my antidepressants back to work
I'm not taking them for like 2 months by now
I'd grab a handful if I even knew where they are
Omfg
The urge to overdose is getting stronger 😂😂
dim island
Happy new year
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I feel so sad, my grandma is upset because her brother did something to her and her mom is dying in the hospital
She said there's no help
Mann
The things I'd do for her to be happy
I asked her what's wrong with her and her brother once and she said it's not importart
And my mom grabbed her car when we had plans to go shopping so she's even more upset she just grabbed it without asking
She's an angel
Though I think I should brag her more about getting a therapist
I noticed depression symptoms in her overall behaviors
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Alright I managed to comfort her and she's more brightened up now
She smiled 3 times by now cuz of me and I'm PROUD 
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I used to drink 210 calories in ONE sitting...
(Tymbark mango)
Oh my gawd
I hate liquid calories if they pass 20
😭
Wait.
I COULD DRINK A LITER IN ONE SITTING?!!!
I CAN BARELY DRINK A LITER
Well
I drank a liter in monster today
Probably gonna drink ONE MORE... 💪
Since my body is getting used to it and stopped hurting
Might as well use that as a chance
I ate like 261 calories today , I know I should eat more to up it but idk what's easy to eat 😮💨
Since I don't feel like eating nowadays
I think I'll buy a pastry or smth
They can be small but SO HIGH
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Alr chat I bought my own scale & food scale, I'm ready to move out now 💪💪
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Idk what to say anymore but uhh I fear I'm stuck in my eating disorder, like I tried recovery but it ain't something for me
Eating normally just seems like something that lasts only 2 days maximum before I relapse again
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I wanna throw up
LMAO??
These are so delicious
GRAGHH
149cal per one but they're big unlike other protein bars
But yeah small protein amount
4,9g
I can allow myself 2 rice cakes with 6cal jam
Been craving those
I also need to buy cherries
Imagine to like mush them onto the rice cake
Dang I need to start prioritizing protein again
Only 11g tdy
Though I was recovering from my 250-280 cal deficit I did so I guess I forgive myself
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UHMM??
He followed me help
My brain is telling me to follow him back but I know I shouldn't 😭😭 (because he has money)
MANN
I blocked him
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I need to start buying from the damn kids section to get the right size now
I feel like a damn toddler 😭
Cuz wdym I'm xxxs so It's almost impossible to find my size
And xxs is still loose
I want a tight fit, like that perfectly fits me
You'll catch me looking at kid clothes in thrift stores
When I move out to America I'll either get help or relapse further
But I'll try the hospital
Because I'm creeped out by my own self sometimes
And the brain fog is so crazy..
I got yelled at sm times because I process stuff slowly and only hear what someone said with a delay
And i forget where's the right stuff to cut fruit,when to brush my teeth and how many times, how to do my make-up, straighten my hair, cut it correctly
Like bruh
I've been in quasi recovery so many times and if another hospital visit won't work I'll just accept it
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DAMN I'M HOTTT
I MIGHT HAVE ANA FACE BUT DANGGG
🤑🤑🤑
Feeling extra confident rn
I'm jealous of my future girlfriend😔
Wait what if I just date myself
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I think I'm in my honeymoon era
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HELPWPWKA
I fell fainted in the bathroom again and my mom which was in the house believed me that a hairdryer fell 😭😭
SHE DIDN'T EVEN BAT AN EYE
I'm starting to get scared I have POTS holy shit
dim island
I fell fainted in the bathroom again and my mom which was in the house believed ...
I think it's called near-syncope / presycope or smth
I'm not scared when I do this whole fainting but not losing consciousness thing
Like, I treat it like it's nothing
dim island
i think i just have hypothermia or uhh
idk
hypoglycemia
exactly
hypothermia was diagnosed by my mom that used to be a nurse for 4 years
so i trust her with that but yk what if she lost her professional mindset and is tripping
beause i dont believe bulimia fucks a motherfucker up so much
like pause wdym this is a deadly disorder when im already balls deep
i want to die but not this way, id prefer other ways
this one glorifies my sickness but like....idk
i wont have time to write letters because its unexpectant
alright whatever i will distract myself cuz y not
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I'm so fuckig overstimulated helll
My great grandma has COVID and Parkinson and she got admitted to the hospital so that made me worry like hell and now my mom and grandma are yelling that they didn't inform them sooner that she's been admitted to a branch dude that's too much at once for me I'm gonna throw upp 😭😭😭😭
dim island
I ate ts yesterday.
WTF I ATE LIKE A MF CAT
MY GRANDMA EVEN GAVE ME THE TRASH BAG AND SHIT 💔
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My mom is having a asthma & COVID combination and then damn ambulance is on the way
Man
My great grandma & MOM will be at the hospital
I'll be stuck with my grandma
HELP SHE CANCELED THE AMBULANCE BUT THEY ARRIVED ANYWAY
SHE FINNA GET A FINE 😭😭😭
SHE LIED THAT I WAS PANICKING AND CALLED THEM
WTH
She's crazy
I don't know her
🥲
She going to the hospital dude
🥀
Just to get some tests tho
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I successfully manipulated my mom into not agreeing to hospitalize me even if my weight is critically low because I'm 'recovering' and 'I don't know why I'm losing weight'
I'm going to the doctor's rn so that's making me less stressed and I can do anything I want with my body and even starve because she doesn't care anymore because of my unfortunate skill of lying but seeming like I'm influenced / clueless
But I feel like it's both a blessing and a curse
Because at the end of the day I can starve but is it rlly good that no one cares anymore because I've already went this far
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Turns out she DOES care
She's NOT impressed
I'll hit 1000 calories today I guess to convince her
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My mom just told me I'm either gaining or going to the hospital
Or going to die
Kms
I have time till March.
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I have time till March to gain btw, not die
My dad asked my mom if she sent me to the hospital alrdy
WTF TS WAS IN MY GALLERY FOR NO REASON AT ALL
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My mom got into a car crash
She caused it because she was driving on the like train thing
But she only hit her head
So she's going to have a bruise most likely
THANK GOD SHE DIDN'T DIE OMFG
But now we don't have a car either to drive to a airplane station and go to england
Which isn't my biggest worry
Because bro I had a dream we were in a apolcalypse once and she had like a plump bruised bloody face so I thought 'don't tell me my dream came to life' like wth I already dreamed too much about my loved one's dying
Or getting severely injured
SHE LIKE WAS DRIVING ON THE TRAIN BUS THING NAH NOT THE TRAIN
AND THEN WANTED TO GET ONTO A NORMAL ROAD AND HIT A CAR AND THE CAR SHE HIT HIT ANOTHER CAR
BRUH
1k..
Or more
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I'm a fat fucking chudddd
Jk I just ate like shit today because I just ate all the left overs in my food drawer 🥀
1.1K calories completed though, I count that as a complete recovery day because man my stomach is HURTING because of this whole 1K calorie shift
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I don't think I'm recovering uh
Like quasi recovery at best
When I pass 1200 calories I kill myself
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My grandma just got out of the hospital and keeps saying 'wera' and 'ola' (female names)
Dementia getting her good omfg
Now daruś (a male name)
Wth
I keep going to her asking what she wants because I thought she meant that I'm wera because she forgot my name or smth and just accepted my new name but now I'm concerned
Since she doesn't want anything from me but keeps yelling wera
Man
I'm just a 14 year old teenage girl I ain't dealing with this
dim island
Once I'm in England I'm changing my intake to 1365cal under one condition that I don't binge eat, cuz if I do I might stick with my more restrictive one untill I won't be as triggered to eat everything
My volume eating will go CRAZY in England dude they got sm good products
Polish people ain't got shit
100+ grams of protein to hit GAWDDD
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Alr nvm I'm doing a 1365cal day today to see
So far I think tomorrow I'll go back to 1224c since I fear 1365c is too quick for me
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#irelapsedbecauseirushedtoomuch
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I starved sm just to realize it's bone structure.
Getting surgery for my ribcage asap
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My dad sent the police on me and I made him look like an idiot lolll
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Today was a horrible day tbh
My ||gore|| addiction somehow getting back, getting the police sent on me because of my weight and a man in the store giving THE look & lecture because I didn't pick up the thing that fell down since I felt dizzy 😭
Messing up my life even more day by day
I'll try to not look at ||gore|| anymore though since it makes me get the brain fog, paranoia and the damn nauseous feeling
I keep thinking about that one 'auntie' I had that motivated me to exercise & starve myself more by just telling me a glass of milk is 150calories already, even if it was my only calories I had for the whole day she lowkey helped because I burned it off in 30 mins somehow
I miss my honeymoon phase
🚬
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I LOVE MY TEA
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I'm eating a whole package of chicken slices for sandwiches because they're 134calories and 25g of protein 🥀
Look what this Ed got me eating dude it got me fucked up
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Fml no one gaf about me, like the only mf that care are those groomers that like my body on twt
And asking for pics to get easy money, like dude
Am I nothing else than a damn online whore
What's the point of being so kind to everyone when they just use me and joke about my disorders and illnesses
I should just kill myself at this point there's no way it'll actually get better and I hate the fact that people lie sm that it will, Ive been waiting for months already how long do you want me to endure this shitty life
It's a blessing I didn't cut on top of losing weight again despite promising my family and doctors I'm recovering
I don't know just fuck this atp
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I don't even wanna know how much calories these oily ahh pancakes have 😭
At least 330 per one
My grandma is someone I'd never trust with cooking for me
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I'm such a fat fucking chudddd
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My Ed made me a grocery shopping addict
Like WDYM there might be something that's under 100 calories per 100g OR a verryy low calorie yogurt that'll motivate me to make yogurt bowls again
🥹
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Lowkey thinking why the psych ward I was in didn't cover the calories for the anorexic patients
Like right, it was just me & one girl but..
Still
dim island
Fuck self diagnosing, I'm undiagnosing
I'm no longer anorexic - I eat, I'm not autistic - I talk, I don't have ADHD - I'm not jumping around rn, I don't have anxiety - I made friends, I'm not depressed - I didn't cry for a week
I'm such a mentally stable teenage girl
dim island
Why the hell does my stomach hurt after I brush my teeth
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I'm scared my father will send the police on me again hahavshaisbevavsajs
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I'm thinking why did I buy a salad if I don't even like salad that much, like it's low calorie yes BUT WHY.
I literally knew I hated salads, Id rather take my yogurt bowl
(I hate salads because of the constant taste I had of it while deep in my ed and the damn dressing is gross)
But at least it's healthy 🥹
My mom was force feeding me that hoe while she cried because I prefer starving
dim island
I'M SHAKING SO B A DDDD
WHAT TF DO I DO 🥀
I'll just rest ig and wait it out
The shaking is a tiny bit better
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Going to the store for baby food burp
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I keep thinking about this yogurt bowl, might not look like it but it was the best one EVER
I mean it was vanilla protein pudding underneath allat so idk if I can call it a yogurt bowl
BUT STILL
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Pancak yogurt bowl 🤤
Looks ass
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This dementia shit get serious I'm out
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I'm about to spend like 3-5 hours in a mall
I FUCKING LOVE BEING A SHOPAHOLIC ❤❤❤
But I'm also scared to spend money
dim island
I spent 139 polish złotych yesterday
STFU THERE ARE REGRETS
I want my damn money back
HSGAHSBAJBSHAVHSHGEA
The damn cat
Anywayy
Idk why but I'm feeling like I'm more photogenic now idk if I gained or lost weight though, but whatever's happening with my appearance better continue
I bought fries for some reason because they are kinda low cal-ish
And somehow a whole ass bowl of them is barely even the portion size?
They're thin af maybe that's why
Idk also in getting these weight derealization moments
Where I genuinely feel like I'm losing my sanity and I just try to snap out of it by snapping the hair tie on my wrist to wake my body up or smth
I feel like Im dying but somehow I also feel better? Like idk, it's as if I'm waiting for my death and I can't escape it
And all I'm doing is just sitting here waiting for it to take me
I'm weird af, if my therapist knew about this they would throw me back into the damn psych ward because of what bullshit I keep saying in my head, like I keep thinking that nothing is real, I can kill myself any minute because I have free will and that goes to killing someone else or in general causing harm to myself and others
And also what's been on my mind so much lately is the reason why we are created that way where it's necessary to put food into our bodies
Idk how to describe it so I'll just say it my way
Like, why do we have the urge to put something in our mouths that we speak out of and use it that kind of way , idk I'm also self-conscious I'm probably sounding like a crackhead right now or as if I'm on some type of drugs
But I've been off medication for depression & anxiety for months since they caused me numbness and almost overdosing because I found it entertaining to just die
I feel like there's no way of helping me any more because I don't even know how to control myself either
The only thing I have control of is of what I'm eating
I have the mindset of an toddler that's curious about every little thing but also keeps being the whole family's problem even when nothing's wrong and just crying on full volume or some shit
I sometimes think that suicide really is the only way out for me, or I'll just take a handful of my antidepressants because I genuinely can't take it
I'll talk about it with my mom and tell her my experiences, praying for the best that she won't send me back into the psych ward or be freaked out by me because I feel like a psycho
I also keep zoning out while shopping
Like, my vision is so unclear but I don't think it's my eye sight that's messed up
But there's something going on in my head or I don't know
I don't know what's even the meaning of life
Are we here just to hurt each other, make each other learn life lessons, help each other and then eventually die
Why do we even do so much if in the end we don't know when we will die
One day you'll be sitting with ur friend, playing on their Xbox and the next thing you know you'll be laughing & end up choking on popcorn and lose consciousness before help arrives
Like bruh it's so easy to just die
That's a example btw, I don't think it's possible to die off popcorn
Maybe damage ur throat yes, but not death necessarily.
dim island
Am I rlly that weird
I creep myself out sometimes too lmfao
I feel somewhat better idk
But still, I feel like something is wrong with me
& that I have many undiagnosed illnesses
Years of psych wards & therapists awaits me I guess?..
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Fuck my antidepressants have a weight gain effect
shit
If I gain I'm going to genuinely cry
How much pain is life willing to give me
OUH nvm I'm overdramtic. It only works after 1-2 weeks of usage.
Dumbah
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I think I'm yearning for help too much. Time to just not gaf tbh, I'll see how life treats me and if it'll continue to be shit I'll just kms
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I'm fine tbh I don't have anything to complain about but that I'm constipated and the scale doesn't show an accurate number
BECAUSE I HAVE A FUCKING KILO WORTH OF SHIT MAYHAPS?
I took a laxative yesterday but it still didn't work so let's pray it works later today
Alright that's about it LMAO
I can't fucking change my pfp because discord hates me
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The laxative still isn't working
Why does it hate me
Omfg I hate my mom sometimes ik she's hiding something from me, like a relationship or smth and when I ask she snaps at me saying noo
GOD
I might be in the wrong sorry I think I sound like a brat rn
I wish I could just not be a burden to anyone, I genuinely feel like I'm the problem. I always snap at everyone and I even feel like I enjoy bringing them the pain. I don't want to feel this way but my head is so messed up idk how to fix myself
My head is just spiraling I guess I'll wait it out since there's nothing I can do bc I always end up in the same dark hole sjbshaga
I spoke about my feelings and a bit of what's going on inside my head but instead of the comfort I expected I just got called an 'literally disgusting skinny stick' ??
Why am I treated like I'm not a human being ever since I got to my lowest weight
I thought I'd finally get understood if I got to this point but now I'm just constantly living on being threatened about hospitalization and misunderstandings
Idk what to do anymore, I tried for 5 years to get loved by literally anyone but the only sign of it was from a girl I only kissed but didn't get into a relationship with?
though I'm glad at least the only person that showed me some love got my first kiss I guess
I won't die without it
dim island
I'm thinking more about my death than my job tbh
And people are telling me to focus on getting a job
Man idk WTF to even do anymore
I should just kill myself, it's the only exit for me
dim island
Bruh it's been like 10+ minutes and I'm already thinking about something else
Anyway, I'll eat a whole ahh twarog to hit my protein goals and I'll probably be already full after the twarog but to reach my caloric goal I'll have to eat a 400 calorie meal afterwards
Me when I realize I have goals to hit and I can't just eat chocolate to hit my calories
I just found the Hershey's cookies n creme bars tdy, I never thought I'd find them in Poland and since they're only like 220cal for a bar it's pretty low for chocolates
And it's the best chocolate I've ever eaten omg
I CAN'T WAIT TO GO TO ENGLAND OMG THEIR STUFF ARE SO YUM... though I wish the macros were better
If only chocolate had peak macros
WHAT IF WE COULD HIT PROTEIN GOALS WITH CHOCOLATE OMG
THAT'D BE HEAVEN
"But there are protein chocolates..!" THEIR CALORIES ARE 500-600!!
And only like 20-25g max
I like to switch from anorexia to gym bro once every two weeks
It keeps me entertained
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I HATE LOVING CAFFEINE BECAUSE TELL ME WHY MY CHEST JUST STARTED SQUEEZING LIKE A MF
Omfg I'M DYINGGGGG 🥹
Help tf do I do
Tomorrow I'm gonna fruitmaxx
I need to SHIT MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT.
I'M CONSTIPATED AS FUCK
AND NOW MY STOMACH HURTSS
🤕🤕
Oh I'd love me some woman to tell me it'll go away.. Ohhhhh..........
I wish I bought some more fiber in the shopppp
I don't have anything to work with
Except like chickpea soup
Kiwis, alpro yogurt, chia seeds
Rice cakes, apples ...
Rice cakes aren't even that good at fiber !!!?!? ;? ;? ;;
Ooohhh I also have white & red strawberries!!
I'm planning on making yogurt, chia seeds, musli & strawberries with maybe dragon fruit for breakfast
And chickpea soup with bread with my 17cal 2g protein spread and Kiwis on top
😎
And coffee in the morning!
Since I learned it helps bowel movement?
Idk
I'm gonna drink a shitload of water tomorrow too
A whole bottle of 500ml water per meal
That's my rule for tmmr
I LOVE BREAD I LOVE CARBS WHY ARE THEY BAD FOR SHITTING?!
dim island
I JUST MADE SOME BULLLSHITTTTT‼️‼️
251cal 10.9g fiber WE SHITTING AFTER THIS YALL (there are also 2 dried dates underneath the cereal & musli 🤤)
It's for tmmr tho
Sobss
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I'm so scared I'll get weighed since I lost some weight again
Last month I got weighed on the 14th
I'm scared I'll get weighed in like 2 days
It's making me go nuts
dim island
Nvm