Lucine's Journal | Huddle | Page 2

dim island Aug 16, 2025, 7:53 PM

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And ofc she had to ask me why am I doing this to her

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I want to faint and never wake up again

dim island Aug 17, 2025, 3:35 AM

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Shout out to my cats that ate my salad overnight 👍

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Now I can gaslight my mom I ate anything

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Tbh when I did try like a little piece of meat in the salad my throat got itchy so I guess I'm used to the shortage of food already, I don't even feel that dizzy idk how

dim island Aug 17, 2025, 9:49 AM

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I think I'm able to sleep the whole day away lmao

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Wish me luck

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This is the best feeling actually

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3554jimikucutepet

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Never mind, I won't be able to

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But at least I'll try to take a break from everything today

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I'll just reply to my bsf some times to keep the streak going and try not to kms after that

dim island Aug 17, 2025, 1:53 PM

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My cat almost hit my vein LMAO

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The scratch is like right next to it

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He's a failure fr can't even do this shit but manages to eat all day 😭

dim island Aug 17, 2025, 4:08 PM

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damn the day went by so fast

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And today I'm only gonna drink coffee because I didn't even notice and I need to have money and go shopping by myself at this point because I have this gummy bear household istg

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34538rabbitholemikubored

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I just realized that the coffee will ruin my fasting lowkey

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But I have to drink it because I can barely walk straight rn

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Sigh

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I'll try tomorrow

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And the worst thing about fasting is that I don't think before I speak sometimes and my words slipped

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When I was trying to say "I'm thinking about what to eat" I said "I don't know if I want to eat"

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😭

dim island Aug 17, 2025, 9:37 PM

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Help when I'm feeling energetic I feel like I'm making people overwhelmed and when I'm calm I feel like I'm making people upset

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Man

dim island Aug 18, 2025, 12:57 AM

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I managed to wash my teeth

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They were hurting like hell

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7304hitorigotouplush

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I managed to lose SM weight actually

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Like holy shit

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YIPPIEEEE

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My cats ❤ (the ginger is devious, don't trust his ass)

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I don't know tf wrong with the ginger

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But like basically my fatahh male cat hates me and the ginger and female cat are clingy AF when it comes to me

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So yippie

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I hate the fatahh though, not because he's a fatahh but because he's a ho

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I can't sleep

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It's like 3 hours till morning

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First all nighter of the summer chat

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To urge to buy Jirai Kei outfits that cost more than my life savings .....

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And accessories

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And

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And

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And

dim island Aug 18, 2025, 10:43 AM

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Hi

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I love women

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Bye

dim island Aug 18, 2025, 1:52 PM

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Holy shit I'm a pale mf

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I've been fasting for 2 days already holy moly

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I just finished my exercise

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I was so close to fainting LMAOOOOO

dim island Aug 19, 2025, 9:48 PM

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OMG I JUST HAD THE CRAZIEST REALIZATION EVER WHAT?.

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Okay so my bsf shares the same mbri as kaelix (a yellow vtuber) and she shipped him with zeal (a green vtuber) right

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And once night I decided to check my mbti AGAIN because I felt it was inaccurate to me now

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And I was right, but anyway

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After I did the mbti thing we talked about us sharing the same mbti as characters we know etc

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And she asked me what zeal's mbti is

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And I told her he's INFJ after I searched the website I was on

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And THEN I told her I'm only almost sharing the same mbti as Seible (another vtuber)

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AND SHE STARTED BOMBARDING ME WITH EDITS OF THEM LIKE CRAZY AND ALL THAT SHIT SHE DOESN'T EVEN MENTION KAELIX X ZEAL AS A SHIP

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OH MY GOD

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SHE'S SO SWEET

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I love my bsf guys

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7304hitorigotouplush

dim island Aug 20, 2025, 2:59 PM

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I forced myself to eat today and holy shit

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I already feel my chest and stomach hurt

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I'm tired of feeling pain whenever I eat istg

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Also, I found a picture from back when I was a kid

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It was me as like a baby, not even with that much hair or anything and I was sleeping while my mom was smiling at me ☹️

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It made me think about back when she found out about my scars and now eating disorder

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I'm gonna sob

dim island Aug 21, 2025, 1:52 PM

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Just realized I'm lowkey waiting for nothing

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I guess I'll really go try to find more friends just to feel better

dim island Aug 21, 2025, 2:16 PM

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I'll try to eat a bit of this but I'm already full after 3 bites

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😭😭

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Nvm guys now I have lock in for an hour workout now and then ankther 11min workout in 4 hours

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Because I feel like Im bloated

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blurrycry

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And the worst thing is that my period started literally today

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This is pure hell

dim island Aug 21, 2025, 2:53 PM

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Lowkey how about I work out till I pass out

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I'll try that

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It sounds fun 38421mesmerizermikuthink

dim island Aug 21, 2025, 3:10 PM

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Wtf I actually feel dizzy already LMAOO??

dim island Aug 21, 2025, 5:15 PM

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Sorry for my earlier messages

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I know someone saw them already but I was just getting pissed at myself for eating half a meal because of my eating disorder

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So I apologize if it triggered anyone

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Anyways, I don't know what to do rn

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I'm bored as hell

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And my bsf left me on delivered for like 3 hours because she's playing doors with someone else, and I don't know why I take things so strongly but I just feel like shit because I pause every game to reply to her

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Bejsbxibdodsjde

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Whayever

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Whatever

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Who cares

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Nvm I do

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LMAO

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I'm so stupid

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I feel like Im already dead and my body is already buried somewhere

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I feel like that most of the time tbh

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All I feel is emptiness when I'm not jealous or angry

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Or just pretending to be happy during a call with my friends, being loud when I wish I could be quiet and be the one receiving comfort, not giving it to others

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I want to be taken care of too

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And for someone to care if I've eaten or not

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Not someone tbh, I feel like I just want that from my best friend, and I know Im so weird for saying that but I can't believe we can flirt so freely and then she'll act like it never happened

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There's nothing left for me to do but sigh at everything and wish for the best

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I'm happy but I can't imagine the fact I'll forever be miserable

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My life can't be like this

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I hope it will change someday

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Even in the afterlife

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I'd be happy with it coming to me even in such a long time if I don't give up too soon

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I doubt I have much time left though

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I went to live my day like it's my last but still, I can't help what's happening inside my head

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I just want to ask if I matter to anyone I've been friends or family with

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I dont know even such a thing

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I'm like a fucking kid

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I'm just exhausted from it all

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I'll go now so I won't spam your phones anymore, to anyone that's following this channel sorry I just can't explain myself without pauses

dim island Aug 21, 2025, 6:42 PM

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Some doodles I did to distract myself Joy Joy (ignore the bad proportions)

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I did that and also wrote a random story about eating disorder

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I love helping myself more than others helping me sometimes but it still feels good to receive positive messages Joy Joy Joy

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Uhmmmm my bsf is online but hasn't answered me

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Whatever

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My world doesn't revolve around her after all so idk why I'm overreacting sometimes..

dim island Aug 21, 2025, 6:45 PM

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dim island Some doodles I did to distract myself <:Joy:878837282298277888> <:Joy:8788372822...

The first is rosco graves (female version), shu yamino is second and third is ike eveland if anyone is wondering

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I also did like one pause challenge thing today and I made a lesbian but the hand looks shitty LMAOO

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Spoiler because I'm embarrassed to look at it but I wanna show it because Im proud of my improvement so far, I started art in exactly Halloween 2024 so it's almost a year WOOOOO so I guess it's alright so far for almost one year?

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The pic peace sign bro

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At least I improved my mood

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Alrr I'll go on tiktok and then continue drawing because I draw the best at night, not morning

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I make like more smooth lines

dim island Aug 21, 2025, 8:06 PM

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KICKING MY FEET
THANK YOU FOR THE EMOJI REACTIONS CHAT

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Joy

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I'll go exercise because I NEEEDDD to do it

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I FUCKING LOVE EXERCISING WOOOO

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WTF MY MOM GAVE ME A CORNYASS BRA

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IT HAS FUCKING STRINGS THAT ARE ATTACHED TO A FUCKING HEART LIKE IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING HEART TYPE SHIT

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LMAOO??

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I FUCKING FEEL LIKE ZANDER NETHERBRAND NOW TYPE SHIT HAHAHAHHAGEGQGA

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Wait a damn fucking second I got the best damn idea

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I'll draw a female version of zander in this shit

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FUCK YEAH LUCINE YOU ROCK

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THANK YOU GUYS.. THANK YOU..

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blurrycry

dim island Aug 21, 2025, 8:39 PM

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I finished my exercise but now I have a new fucking enemy that makes my damn period worse. Fuck you

dim island Aug 21, 2025, 9:30 PM

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Nvm my mood is fucked again

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My bsf is playing with E on roblox like all day acting like my ass doesn't exist while I do my all to text her back

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And if you don't know who E is

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Whatever I'm acting like a possessive gf LMAOO

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I'll go look at Pinterest vent posts because I can't believe I'm the only one experiencing this rn

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I might lowkey just get relatable pins and throw them there for myself to look at later LMAOOO

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Okay nvm

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I'm not going to look thru that shit

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I'm making a fool out of myself again

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It's almost like I have 2 different people control my mindset

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Holy shit

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I hate feeling like this

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Jealous of my own bsf

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I should've never seen those fucking messages

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I should've just killed myself not hide it all

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Maybe then I'll get taken seriously

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When they see my rotting body after they've been out all day

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It's almost making me happy to imagine myself dead

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Nowadays I wish I had a heart attack

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Just to feel something

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Pain, anything

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I need to feel something else then depression and jealousy

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And anxiety and all that other shit

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This is making me freaked out, what do you mean I can't just kill myself and still see their reactions

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Will they care?

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Will they care like they claim they do in those fucking videos they sent me

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It's almost making me laugh that I let myself think I'm loved for once

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Fuck this shit

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I can't bring myself to say anything hateful when it comes to my best friend

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Even if I wanted to my heart clutches at the idea

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Fuck

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Why can't I just die

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I want to die more than anything oh my fucking god

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I didn't even ask to be born in the first place

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Why do I have to exist in this world full of people that are all the fucking same, I'm never the first option no matter what. Even to all my partners I was always the second, third or in the top 5

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I want to see their reactions

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I need to see their reactions when I finally decide to write the suicide letter

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Send it to them, overdose or have a severe illness

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After all that shit I'll do to myself

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That doesn't even go for my bsf anymore

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It goes to fucking everyone tbh

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My mom claims she doesn't want to hold my hand praying I'll stay alive

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It's so confusing no matter what

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I'll just disappear from her life and see how many messages there will be, idgaf if I ruin the tiktok streak or anything idgaf about anything anymore as long as I see if they care or not

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That's what I want to do actually

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It'll just take a day or two of three

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Whatever

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I'm calm now y'all

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Joy

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I love women

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YIPPIEEEEEEEEE I'M FUCKING DISAPPEARING 🔥🔥🔥🔥

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Ofc I'll still update here because I want to

dim island Aug 21, 2025, 10:55 PM

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We talked

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My bsf took my words wrong though and ended up admitting she's lihroromantic

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I'm slightly hurt but I have to support her

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It means she liked me, right

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Shit

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She sent me this right after too.

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I don't know what Im supposed to do

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What can I do to protect my feelings but not invalidate her

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Now she's practically changing the topic

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What am I supposed to do, really

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What am I waiting for

dim island Aug 22, 2025, 12:34 PM

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I played among us for exactly 3 hours and I kept getting bullied help

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💔

dim island Aug 22, 2025, 1:34 PM

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I'm dizzy af help

dim island Aug 22, 2025, 4:49 PM

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I haven't drank or eaten all day and is it normal I don't feel the need to

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blurrycry

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Man

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I'll go brush my teeth

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I'm back to making it seem like I ate and I didn't even get to brush my teeth

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Man

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This ain't even convincing enough

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Kill me

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Ok nvm I did it

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It looks convincing enough

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huddlekittywave

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Instead of whatever this meal is, I'll go get water and a slice of lemon and ice if I have it

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THEY BELIEVED ME WOOOOOOOOOO

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I just got cold plain water

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Flushed

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I lowkey wanna make my meal look like water with a lemon and some sleep gummies just for me to chill out

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Idk

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Nvm

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I'll stick for my diet to be water only for a week and after that week one meal and the rest of the week water, then the other week only water again for some reason

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I can't eat anything above 10 kcal tho

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So maybe just plain water it is

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Man

dim island Aug 22, 2025, 7:06 PM

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Zoo weeee MAMA MIAAA I look HOTTT

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23494rabbitholemikucute

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I think I'm close to my friend's body from the school I'm transferring to

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cat

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I might've actually nailed it in a month omg

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Let's go

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WOOO

dim island Aug 22, 2025, 7:43 PM

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Uhmm I stood up and I genuinely thought I was about to faint

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Got those Shivers and all that shit

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HOW TF DID I NOT FAINT WTF

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ayowhat

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HELP IT HAPPENED AGAIN WHAT.

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I'm brushiny my teeth

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I love the taste of toothpaste

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IT'S SO DELICIOUS LIKE TF

dim island Aug 22, 2025, 10:05 PM

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God I hate seeing the character I relate to the most getting hated on

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But also

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I'm wondering how alien stage is actually so relatable for me like, all the characters have something in common with me so I can't bring myself to hate them

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But mostly mizi

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YOU GUYS DON'T GET HER LIKE I DO ‼️‼️‼️

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Anyways

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My bsf left me for her friend again because he suddenly called lmao

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Whatever

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I'm still hurt from yesterday lmao

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Lihroromantic

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Well

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I really wanted it to be her

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Though at least now I got more songs I can relate to ‼️

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Sometimes I look at pictures of my younger self and ask myself why did I cut myself that night

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And why I got so intrigued in trying it while in the forest with my grandma

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Well shit

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I want to be a kid again

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And have a dad not someone I question myself if I can call my dad when he forgets about me and only remembers me when it's time to pay child support

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Wtv

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I'll go shower since I'm probably gonna be too tired later

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Bye

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huddlekittywave

dim island Aug 22, 2025, 10:53 PM

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I did it

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My chest hurts when I breathe send help

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How it feels like trying to talk to myself in my mind when it comes to making mistakes

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I just ruined another friendship

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Because I was in love with them

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And then realized that they didn't share the feelings back

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And then I became dry

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AGAIN

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I'm scared to respond to her ily's again because what if I fall in love even more

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I've already dig myself a grave

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I've became more energetic with her and I reply to her ilys and everything but still e in jsbdhshdhsdhs

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I have no energy

dim island Aug 23, 2025, 8:02 AM

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I managed to be called skin and bones by my mom chat

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huddlekittywave

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Ill go play among us....

dim island Aug 23, 2025, 8:45 AM

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I finished chat

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dim island Aug 23, 2025, 12:04 PM

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I'll fucking hang myself

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huddleshiba

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Those thoughts just motivate me to starve myself even more, thank you mom for bringing me motivation ❤

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YES starvation will be my fucking suicide attempt

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Anyway

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I'll go brush my teeth

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Bye bye

dim island Aug 23, 2025, 6:12 PM

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I've been fasting for 2 days straight chat

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I'm proud of myself tbh

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I hate overly energetic people

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Sigh

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This face card

dim island Aug 24, 2025, 12:43 PM

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Okay guys I think I'm going to get a test for anemia

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Since I'm suspicious that I have it smh

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Since all the symptoms match me perfectly so far

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Anwyays

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Anyways*

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I agreed to spend the day with my grandma since I wanted to get out of my house

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I've been bed rotting for 3-4 weeks

dim island Aug 24, 2025, 1:08 PM

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I LOST 5 KGS WOOOO

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LETS GO

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I reached my ideal weight almost

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Oh shit

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I picked make

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Male

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KILL MYSELF

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Alright it's okay

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I'm using this app because the BMI everyone uses is inaccurate

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Believe me or not

dim island Aug 24, 2025, 1:58 PM

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I ate something, tomorrow I'm going back to fasting

dim island Aug 25, 2025, 2:05 PM

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My aunt gave me a literal 700 calorie meal

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TF

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hMM

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Hell no

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I'm going out in an hour so gladly I can just be sneaky about it

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Gyatt damn

dim island Aug 26, 2025, 10:33 AM

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Yesterday night my mom asked me if I even wanted to be alive when I told her why I want to go to a doctor

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And I swear I felt something in me break

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It's fr the first time someone asked about me in general

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Omfg

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Atp I'm preparing myself to go to the damn mental hospital fr

dim island Aug 26, 2025, 3:43 PM

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I'm out of the matching jail but at what cost

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Slirp

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Anyways

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I need to go to the hospital BADLY

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Like if I have anemia I don't wanna ignore it that much

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Because I also want to know why TF am I like this

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And my mom failed to sign an appointment with the doctor

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mochi_kekw

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I feel like shitt

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I wanna do something...

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But drawing is Boring to me at the moment

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And I don't have anything else to do

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Mannnnnnn

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I have the urge to bark out of nowhere

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Tf

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Crazy

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I'll just go uhhhhh

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I'll go look at myself in the mirror and then sketch

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goodbye chat

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My stomach hurtssssss

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8122mikucry

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Anyways BYE BYEEEEEE

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I forgot to bye bye.

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Bye fr this time

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I'm bored tho

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Nvm bye

dim island Aug 26, 2025, 6:21 PM

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I finished working out

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Geez

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Time to chill 🙂‍↕️

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Okay so like my state worsened

dim island Aug 26, 2025, 8:48 PM

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I ate 9 calories today chat Im happy YIPPIE

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23494rabbitholemikucute

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I don't feel fat that much

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OMFG MY GRANDMA KEEPS SPAMMING ME BECAUSE I TOLD HER IM SICK!!!!

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blurrycry

dim island Aug 26, 2025, 10:45 PM

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Okay nvm.

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I nearly fainted

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And I still feel ringing in my ears

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I ate more than 9 calories.

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Past my eating time

dim island Aug 27, 2025, 11:36 AM

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I'm going to the doctor today I think.

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I hope I'll end up in a hospital because I need investigation for more than 2 weeks surely

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Or a week

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Idc

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My ass belongs in a mental hospital

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LMAO

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Wtf someone just called me on discord??

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Whatever

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I'll straighten my hair

dim island Aug 27, 2025, 12:12 PM

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I can barely breathe send help

dim island Aug 27, 2025, 1:42 PM

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My aunt gave me food but I'm not even hungry send help

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blurrycry

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I can't feel hunger for shit

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At this point people will see eggs & potatoes flying from my window

dim island Aug 27, 2025, 2:04 PM

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I hope I rot at a hospital

dim island Aug 27, 2025, 2:29 PM

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I'm going to the doctor in 2 days if I don't pass out now chat

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Joy

dim island Aug 27, 2025, 4:04 PM

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Holy shit

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I MEAN I'M STRESSED BECAUSE OF YESTERDAY'S INCIDENT WHEN I ALMOST FAINTED BUT WTF

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I'll go pee.... Ok?

dim island Aug 27, 2025, 7:17 PM

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Turns out that my bsf that once used to love me now doesn't care Im about to go to the hospital lmao

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Love is so cruel

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I doubt anyone cares atp

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I want to disappear

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Oh what a coincidence

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She texted on her cousins server

dim island Aug 27, 2025, 7:23 PM

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dim island I want to disappear

Right as I sent that message

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Guess she really dgaf

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LMAO

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Man.

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I need advice fr, do I drop her or do I just wait

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I'm tired of offering her comfort 24/7

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And comforting her with all my might

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Just to get that in return

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When I'm actually on the verge of dying

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Like actually

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Lmao

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I should just kill myself before my body can do so

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34538rabbitholemikubored

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Okay maybe I shouldn't overwhelm myself because I can already feel my chest hurting

#

"I was asleep for days now you're the only thing keeping me awake" I always thought of her when I listened to that part of the song

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I want to cry but it'll just worsen my state

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Omfg

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Not to mention she unmatched me and started matching with HIM the same day

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It hurts so much but we never even dated

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I actually feel like those are my last moments lmao

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It isn't just a episode like I had where I overreacted atp.

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I'm getting ready for my heart to stop beating and my friends thinking I'm just not replying

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Set my status just in case

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So people know I'm not ignoring them

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I wouldn't ever do that shit

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Ignoring is the worst thing I ever did

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And it ruined sm shit for me

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What if I end up like those people that had less than a month left when I didn't even experience a good life

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I didnt even get over my abuser or sexual assaults & harassments

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For fucks sake I didn't even get revenge and that's what hurts the most

#

She texted me saying she misses me in a energetic type thing

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Though is she really missing me or did she just have no one else to text.

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Yup , I was right

#

She herself wanted to match with HIM and she texts me only when she feels like it

#

Highkey have another song to overthink to LMAOO

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Maybe these lyrics mean something else but who gaf if it's relatable in my POV

dim island Aug 27, 2025, 9:25 PM

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My chest hurts again

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Let's hope nothing happens when I go shower

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In like

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40 mins or so

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Or less

dim island Aug 27, 2025, 10:04 PM

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I'm gonna shower now chat

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Pray for me

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I did it

#

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I ATE 0 CALORIES TODAY LET'S GOOO

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But also I unlocked a new obsession

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The damn song I sent

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It's kinda peak

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I'll go uhhh

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Idk

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Continue creating the vtuber roleplay server I started already

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Out of pure boredom

dim island Aug 28, 2025, 10:35 AM

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Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor

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I'm so damn tired

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My grandma called me already but I'm not answering

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I slept more than usual though

dim island Aug 28, 2025, 3:38 PM

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I fasted today too but also I forgot to hydrate

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Uhm

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How do I DISCRETELY get water

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Without my mom asking me if I'm hungry when I'm close to the bathroom

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(I'm drinking from the sink since there's no water, only gross drinks)

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Chiikawa_cute

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Mannnn

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I need a girlfriend to hug me

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Just because

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I need someone to say 'do you want to go somewhere' to

#

Tbh a irl close friend would be okay too but that's a different vibe

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I wanna hold hands uhhggghg

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And water.

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I'm going to the bathroom rn

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Pray for me to not pass out chat

#

dim island Aug 28, 2025, 4:45 PM

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Holy shit I couldn't breathe for a second what the fuck

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I'm scared of passing out but I wanna do it at the same time

#

7304hitorigotouplush

dim island Aug 28, 2025, 5:02 PM

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I love nonchalant people the most but they also hurt me the most

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Bruh

#

Anwaysysyys

#

I did a omegaverse test and I got caring beta 2 times in a row and in another test I got beta again 😎😎😎

#

I'M USELESS IN THE OMEGAVERSE THOUGH SO I'M OFFENDED

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I'm so cool

#

I'm having a good conversation with a stranger that's a dry texter but I feel like I accomplished something in life

#

LETS GO I'M NOT MAKING A DRY TEXTER TIRED OF ME WOOOOO!!

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I think I just accomplished a new friendship chat

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Or just a one day friendship

#

Mannnn

#

I'll go chat in discord servers because I want friends so I don't overthink that much

#

And yk

dim island Aug 28, 2025, 7:27 PM

#

I'm on the verge of tears because I hear my mom almost arguing with her friend

#

Omfg

#

The trauma really stayed lmao

#

Also, my throat feels so odd.

#

I don't want to eat

#

I already cried because I had to eat but I didn't anyway

#

I'll just keep a knife close to myself.

#

Not to kill someone

#

Just to feel like I have control

#

Because I hate not having it

#

34538rabbitholemikubored

#

Especially during the moments arguments are starting

#

I want to shower ASAP so I don't have to convince my mom I really ate

#

It's not because of me being scared to gain weight atp, I'm just scared of feeling full and uncomfortable

#

Okay soo my mom left me with the guy that almost started the argument

#

For fucks sake

#

I'm actually scared lmao

dim island Aug 28, 2025, 8:27 PM

#

I'm wondering if I died soon, would anyone remember me?

#

Like my friends

#

If I already died 2 years ago for example

#

I don't know

#

chusit

#

Okay no I should stop thinking

#

My head & chest already hurt from it

#

Cri

#

I said I should stop but I still can't stop lmao.

dim island Aug 28, 2025, 11:54 PM

#

I drank a 0 calorie tea

#

Yummy

#

#

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about

#

Why can't everything be 0-7 calories

dim island Aug 29, 2025, 12:15 AM

#

dim island I drank a 0 calorie tea

Okay now I regret it

#

I was watching a eating disorder short film, and now I'm wondering what did I do to myself

#

My grandma was right, I'm as thin as she described

#

But knowing me I'll be saying shit like I do every day even after this realization

#

sadness

#

https://youtu.be/P65pajLA9io?si=CuXl_1zsWqHBjikP

YouTube

Tom Smith Films

Empty - Eating Disorder/Mental Health Short Film

An award winning short social realist drama which follows Keira, as she struggles to live her normal day to day life while suffering from the effects of an eating disorder.

AWARDS
Winner - Silver Dollar Film Festival 2016 - Best Series
Winner - Madhouse Movies Film Festival 2016 - Best Short Film
Winner - Texas Ultimate Shorts Film Festival 201...

▶ Play video

#

The film btw

#

I relate to her a lot

#

Like actually a lot

#

But I don't quite relate with the ending

#

Where she opened the chocolate yk

#

I'm not that confident to even do that

dim island Aug 29, 2025, 4:33 AM

#

Today I'm going to the doctor chat

dim island Aug 29, 2025, 9:55 AM

#

I'm going to the ER if I won't be able to be taken by a doctor..... Help

dim island Aug 29, 2025, 4:15 PM

#

Guess what guys 😂😂

#

I'm not going to the hospital because of my shitty city

#

I need to wait 3 more days

#

For fucks sake

#

I wanna kill myself

#

You'll see me hanging on the ceiling

#

64194rabbitholemikuphone

dim island Aug 29, 2025, 6:29 PM

#

chat I managed to keep myself stable today without eating anything serious

#

YIPPIE

#

Okay so firstly
2 glasses of water — 0 cal
1 extremely tiny sip of coffee — 0 cal
I brushed my teeth — 0 cal
And lastly, I drank tea — 0 cal

#

I somehow managed to take care of myself nonetheless

#

57623milkinlove

#

Time to exercise soon

#

I mean I can do it after showering

#

Since I already completed all the days on the app I'm using

#

So there's not that much of a rush, I think?

#

I might try to get stomach muscles though

#

But they don't fit me

#

So i think I actually won't

#

34538rabbitholemikubored

#

I might drink coffee again soon

#

I didn't know they had 0-2 calories untill yesterday

#

1010

#

I'm happy to see my friend recovering slightly from eating disorder though

#

She had pizza for lunch

#

Though I'm sad she never asks me if I ate but I always ask her if she ate

#

And what did she eat

#

Though it's probably none of her concerns

#

So I can't blame her

#

OH AND ALSO

#

I saw tiktoks of people like hiding the calories of certain snacks before giving it to their friends

#

I swear it's just making it worse guys don't do that shit 😭😭😭

#

I think everyone with an eating disorder would absolutely hate that

#

Imagine having a eating disorder AND allergies at the same time tho and you're done dirty like that

#

Holy moly

#

Anyways

#

Today was pretty good I guess

#

Though 2 kids will be coming to my house soon and they're gonna be loud af..

#

#

I did the I ❤ Yuri thing

#

Joy Joy

dim island Aug 29, 2025, 7:22 PM

#

dim island Okay so firstly 2 glasses of water — 0 cal 1 extremely tiny sip of coffee — 0 ca...

WHAT ARE THE EYES SUPPOSED TO MEAN LOL

#

Anyway, I love women

#

I love being a girl kisser

#

72252bunnybearhug

#

My led lamp was on ever since yesterday afternoon... My little strong soldier

#

Okay ladies and gentlemen I just figured something out

#

My type is overweight / chubby women Flushed

#

LIKEEE HEAR ME OUT

#

OMGGGGG

#

I DON'T LIKE MYSELF BEING CHUBBY OR OVERWEIGHT BUT

#

OTHER WOMEN?

#

Hit me up girl

#

My phone number and address is —

#

7304hitorigotouplush

#

I love chubby women...

#

Mmmmmmmm.......

#

#

OMG I JUST REMEMBERED THE CHUBBY GIRL AT THE GROCERY STORE

#

SHE WAS GORGEOUS

#

OMG

#

I LOVED HER DARK PINK HAIR

#

AND THE GIRL IN THE LOCKER ROOM

#

THAT SMILED AT ME

#

GRAAAHHHH

#

I don't even remember their faces btw.

#

Atp I'm just delusional 🥀

#

Mannn

#

I miss

#

My future wife

#

blurrycry

#

Ykw what chat

#

If I ever have a male friend and bro's hungry and tells me to cook something

#

I'm going to cook the most OBESE meal known to man

#

Like why would a man be there

#

And btw I wouldn't be attracted to his ahh

#

Not my type really

#

I'm a lesbian that's why

#

don't cancel me

#

Ughhh

#

I want school only because I'm transferring

#

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!!!

#

NEW FRIENDS.

#

AND I HAVE LIKE ANOTHER FRIEND HERE

#

WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR 6 YEARS

#

Or so

#

And also...

#

I want a girlfriend...,

#

Like

#

Cmon

#

blurrycry

#

I'll wait till high school I guess

dim island Aug 30, 2025, 12:10 AM

#

Okay guys uhhmmm

#

It went wrong

#

I was fasting the whole day but now I nearly fainted and I called my mom because I was scared

#

And she told me she's secretly crying because she's scared if I'm going to life normally when she wakes up

#

Or be dead

#

Uhmmmm

dim island Aug 31, 2025, 11:00 PM

#

Today was ok

#

I starved myself again though

#

There was no food for me to eat

#

7304hitorigotouplush

#

I'll go take a cold shower

#

And hope I don't feel like I'm bout to faint

#

I don't wanna go through the whole conversation again

#

What I ate today was like one tea (0 cal)

#

I have to make myself another one

#

I ALSO GOT HYSILENS CHAT! (you can add me I don't really care)

#

Ew let me change the channel's in the TV

#

There are kids sleeping and when they wake up they see a NSFW channel Fryhmmm

#

Alright I'mma go shower

dim island Sep 1, 2025, 9:04 AM

#

Guyysss.... Uhm......

dim island Sep 1, 2025, 4:59 PM

#

Okay so

#

Lowkey quietly sobbing

#

My mom told me she's sending me to the hospital for a week or two and that she gave me a chance

#

And I didn't take it lmao

#

She told me I'm about to die

#

But how

#

I don't really wanna die if I think about it now.

#

I truly hate myself

#

Is trying to be pretty really that fucking dangerous.

#

She told me to pack useful essentials and all that

#

Lmao.

#

I don't really care if it hurts if it means I finally feel pretty.

#

I force feed myself and omfg

#

I feel so full

#

It disgusts me

dim island Sep 1, 2025, 10:12 PM

#

In the waiting room

#

For the past 2 hours

#

I did some stuff already

#

Waiting for diagnosis

#

YIPPIE

#

I'm the highest priority LET'S GOO

#

My mom told them about my self harm on my thigh though

#

6880hatsunemikubitchwhat

#

I'm COOKED

dim island Sep 1, 2025, 10:40 PM

#

Okay guys uhm

#

Turns out I'm not sick enough

#

Nice

#

34538rabbitholemikubored

dim island Sep 1, 2025, 11:00 PM

#

I'm going to the mental hospital

#

I hate my mom

#

Lmao

dim island Oct 13, 2025, 3:35 PM

#

Uh hi

#

I lowkey forgot I had a journal.

#

I managed to get out 2 days ago

#

My mom made them sign me out

#

I genuinely feel high on pills

#

I cut myself right when I got out and yesterday.

#

More brutally then I did in late 2024

#

It made me truly so happy to feel something.

#

It's the only thing I can feel

#

The pain on my thighs both makes me regret and actually feel a hint of happiness.

dim island Oct 13, 2025, 3:39 PM

#

dim island I hate my mom

This is true still because she never understood and still didn't manage to but she's trying I guess

#

But not hard enough.

#

That's my problem

#

She never truly will ever care

#

She claims to but she's over exaggerating everytime

#

She never truly cared and I know that.

#

But what the point of lying?

#

The truth will come out despite if you don't want it to, mom

#

You never truly cared

#

These are the words I wish I could tell her without hurting her.

#

Words even if they are the truth still hurt and I know that because everything fucking hurts me.

#

Multiple people called me disgusting and ridiculous which to I can agree with the disgusting part but I don't get what I do ridiculously in most situations

#

I think I handle myself quite well since I didn't kill myself yet

#

Though putting a knife to my throat at 10 years old seemed like the best therapy

#

It told me stuff like 'if you can't think of anything bad after your death, you can go on'

#

And I unfortunately found something bad every time

#

So shit.

#

Lmao

#

I'm going to end my rant now because I just wanted to try journaling again after not doing so for almost 2 months

dim island Oct 13, 2025, 4:35 PM

#

Okay guys I have a question

#

Okay nvm

#

I can answer it myself

#

Lmao

#

4119bocchislime

dim island Oct 13, 2025, 6:24 PM

#

Why does no one care.

dim island Oct 14, 2025, 8:05 AM

#

"Listen to your body!" My body wants me starving and dead lmao

#

I'm gonna kill myself

#

No one will care anyway

dim island Oct 14, 2025, 8:36 AM

#

Alright I got an idea y'all

#

I'll eat till I get my own house / turn 16 and then I'll finally be someone's thinspo

#

YIPPIE

#

Joy

#

The way I say stuff is so confusing istg

#

I mean I'll only starve myself when I get my own house or turn 16

#

2 years to go unfortunately

#

30/29kgs I promise I'll see you in 2 years or if I manage to somehow do so rn

#

Anyways

#

Yesterday I ate 330 Cals 9,74g protein and 2 days ago 846 cals 58g protein

dim island Oct 14, 2025, 9:51 AM

#

I just cut myself and my cat is sitting next to me rn purring, I'm starting to think cats have some type of super magic or something because he sniffed the spot I cut myself at too.

#

My thigh hurts but I can't push him off because I'll feel like a monster send help (ignore the mess, my room is a storage room atp)

dim island Oct 14, 2025, 10:10 AM

#

Is it bad I want to go back to the mental hospital

#

Life was so much better.

#

When I realized my mom isn't going to go do anything with me now I know that there's no point in being free

#

Back when I could cut with someone when I wanted to cut

#

And when I cut because of depression someone would fucking care

#

Now I can bleed out without anyone noticing

#

Why is life like this

#

Everything is so twisted

#

Help me God omfg

dim island Oct 14, 2025, 3:50 PM

#

I'm a fatass LMAO.

#

Tomorrow I'm starving myself

dim island Oct 14, 2025, 5:00 PM

#

How life has been sounding

dim island Oct 15, 2025, 2:07 PM

#

I'm doing a eating disorder recov

#

Hopefully it'll work.

#

#

CRIES

#

He choose me 🥹

dim island Oct 15, 2025, 2:26 PM

#

dim island I'm doing a eating disorder recov

Nvm

dim island Oct 15, 2025, 2:53 PM

#

Okay guys I'm better now

#

I went past this one tiktok guy Kyle

#

#

That is recovering from anorexia

#

He motivated me to eat today and actually like my body so yeah I think I have my favorite tiktok content creator for now

dim island Oct 15, 2025, 4:04 PM

#

I feel cured from ana

dim island Oct 17, 2025, 4:30 PM

#

I purged today lmao

#

I have a feeling ana is the one controlling me

#

Not myself

dim island Oct 26, 2025, 9:11 PM

#

Hello

#

Uhhh

#

So like I've gotten back into self harm

#

And I've been doing it with other people while in the mental hospital which I'm not in rn but I was

#

I'm starting school tmrw

#

And I weight 41kg now so I lost weight again

#

So yeah

#

That's all

#

Bue

#

Bye

#

There's more actually

#

I've told my mother that I have to go back in the mental hospital because of the weight loss and suicidal thoughts

#

She then yelled that she'll hang herself instead because of something on her phone but she still didn't apologize for it.

#

I don't think it's cool at all to make fun of my thoughts or anyone elses

#

I've actually gotten colder over the past 5 months

#

But whatever

#

At least I got Thomas with me chat

#

Life ain't worth living though

#

I wish every second my next breath will be my last

#

Though that obviously won't happen

#

And I got money

#

Like 70$

#

Time to spend it tomorrow

#

Somewhere

#

🥹

#

I'm addicted to shopping only because it's the only way I can feel happiness or something man

#

Fuck this shit

#

Anyways

#

I'll go now

dim island Oct 27, 2025, 12:49 PM

#

First day at school

#

I already got friends

#

Like all of the girls in my class

#

There's this one girl that gets so happy when I wave at her and she complimented my hair so enthusiastically

#

I'm happy

dim island Nov 1, 2025, 3:32 PM

#

Wsp

#

Uh so

#

I probably lost weight again

#

And my mom's forcing me to eat again 🙂‍↕️

#

Nice!..

#

She's also threatening me with the mental hospital again

#

Wooohooo

#

Such good parenting

#

I'm gonna go cut myself I swear to God I'll kms why

#

I don't want to eat some high calorie junk

#

Fuck it

#

I'd rather go back to the mental hospital I feel sick

#

What's so hard to accept in me wanting to be skinny like omfg

#

As long as Im eating

#

It should be fine.

#

Like wtf

#

Fuck off

#

Okay I managed to avoid eating it yaaaa

#

she'll probably force feed me it later though.

#

Mid ahh family i hate this shit

#

At least before I go to the Mental hospital I gotta make sure I bleed a lot first

#

That'll be my only joy in this shitty planet

dim island Nov 2, 2025, 6:16 PM

#

Idgaf

#

I miss the mental hospital.

#

The only place someone respected me and the times I needed peace

#

Throw me back in here I'm begging you omfg

#

I have a session with my therapist tomorrow

#

In the evening

#

Or afternoon

#

Idk

#

How you guys calll it

#

I'll tell her everything because I fucking need friends again that actually are as weird as me

#

I miss the group cutting sessions no matter how immature I sound rn

#

It just pains me that no one gaf

#

And they expect me to be so healthy

#

I literally get new scars everyday

#

I'm not asking for too much cmon

#

Just get me the fuck in here

#

I miss it like hell

#

Poke omfg idgaf I have cool friends

#

I want the friends that agree to do stupid shit with me

#

Idgaf if I'll never recover

#

Because of my 'nonsense'

#

I miss it so much

#

I want to be understood and be in relationships like I was here

#

Even if I'm toxic about everything idgaf

#

As long as I get what I want I'm happy

#

And what I want right now is to go back in there

#

And maybe see my friend here.

dim island Nov 2, 2025, 7:07 PM

#

I succeeded in getting worse

#

41.1kg so far but I forgot to go to the toilet before weighting so it isn't accurate.

#

I took off my clothes overall ofc

#

35kg here I come

dim island Nov 3, 2025, 9:42 AM

#

Bruh.

dim island Nov 3, 2025, 5:48 PM

#

Guys uhmmm

#

I'm being threatened about the mental hospital again

#

By my mom

#

And she's actually gonna get arrested for starving me when I'm doing this to myself

#

What the helly

#

I'm gonna have to live with my fuckass father too

dim island Nov 4, 2025, 11:49 AM

#

Nvm i think

dim island Nov 4, 2025, 9:44 PM

#

My life is the worst, I always didn't get any actual help too. Like, when I was 11 I was sent to the therapist by my school only for them to give up on me because I didn't say anything that's wrong with me so I didn't cooperate. In the mental hospital my assigned therapist for my stay here misunderstood me like hell because she didn't gaf about autism or any other mental health stuff except depression and she ended up making me feel even more like shit

#

When I was taken as a special cause in the hospital because of my bulimia they still didn't care a bit because I wasn't sick enough

#

Istg if someone else was in my body for even a day they would've killed themselves

#

Life's not worth living anymore

#

Because even if I'm the special cause or even a little important to take care of they can't even give me a tiny bit of help

#

Tell me why after all those years I just now realized I have autism and possible ADHD when it's this fucking late.

#

THE FUCKING MENTAL HOSPITAL THERAPIST DIDN'T FIGURE IT OUT??

#

But a fuckass public therapist figured it out in 10 mins of us talking

#

Like holy shit

#

I'll never get proper help

#

I'll just fucking slowly kill myself idgaf

#

||Cut my veins|| or shit like that

#

I'm done

#

Like actually so fucking done with this shit

#

I never wanted to have ADHD like what

#

Autism okay it's fine but ADHD?

#

Bruh

#

It probably won't be even a correct diagnosis.

#

Or I hope so

#

Because I'll actually tweak the fuck out

#

I don't want that shit idgaf I wanna be normal for fucks sake

#

Watch my family and friends treat me as a happy motherfucker too

#

Fuck no

#

Lole

#

Like

#

Bruh

#

Maybe if I'll be covered in scars they'll fucking notice

#

No actually they'll leave me

#

Wow what news!

#

No way

#

I def wouldn't have thought so

#

The fact I heard my therapist say "Natalie will become a completely different person in a month!" Because of some godforsaken pills

#

I wanna get worse

#

Idgaf

dim island Nov 4, 2025, 10:17 PM

#

My not so wife texted me so I'm a bit more relaxed

#

But damn

#

🫩

#

Kill my bitchass

dim island Nov 5, 2025, 12:50 PM

#

Finished school

#

Woo

#

I gave my female crush a donut that I bought for her because she loves eating because she's hungry all the time, how does she manage to keep her figure so perfect??..

#

I think it's a friend crush.

#

Or idk

#

Because I don't feel so ugly anymore

#

People are looking at me more than once ever since I got my so called glow up so that's nice

dim island Nov 11, 2025, 1:48 PM

#

Idgaf anymore dawg

#

One day I'll starve, one day I'll eat one day I'll overeat one day I'll undereat

#

Who cares

#

NOO MAFUYU

#

Was making a sandwich for my grandma

#

Because I'm used for my cooking skills dawg

dim island Nov 12, 2025, 12:51 PM

#

How i felt like after purging searching in Google how much calories does my toothpaste have

dim island Nov 12, 2025, 1:59 PM

#

I love shipping Sunday with everyone dawg

#

Sunren? Yes Galladay? Sure Sunhill? Hell yeah Weltday? Yk what okay Sunturine? Hmmm..Sure! Recaday? Ohh cool

#

I'M GONNA TWEAK OUT THE HSR ADDICTION IS GETTING BACK

dim island Nov 13, 2025, 10:27 AM

#

I'm so tired someone take me out of school

#

4 more hours left dawg

#

I hope it'll go quickly

dim island Nov 13, 2025, 12:54 PM

#

One more hour because I think I might just skip the last lesson since it's not that important since we mostly use phones on that lesson anywau

dim island Nov 13, 2025, 2:13 PM

#

I skipped the Last lesson 💪

#

Goals (lowkey me and her)

dim island Nov 13, 2025, 11:38 PM

#

Do I even look malnourished? People keep calling me skin and bones but I just see layers of dat

#

Like omfg

#

64194rabbitholemikuphone

#

I'm close to my death bed too

#

Like

#

39kg and I'm going lower when I'm literally trying to maintain

#

Not the nutridrink tv ad that started playing 😭😭😭

dim island Nov 14, 2025, 4:33 PM

#

I miss nutridrinks..

#

It was fun flushing them

#

And they actually boosted my intake to 500-600 when i did take them

dim island Nov 14, 2025, 8:35 PM

#

Dude I'm so fucking done I'm not even 14 yet

#

WDYM so much is happening in my fucking life

#

I want to be hospitalized again.

#

Why can't i

#

It's not like my dad will win the court shit anyway.

#

Everyone knows I'm anorexic and bullimic, not my mom starving me

#

Thank God I'm the one controlling my body because if it was someone else my ass would be dead already

#

Autistic, bullimic, depressed, anxiety mf, autism and ADHD hmm what else do you wanna add God 🫶

#

Like damn

#

Fuck that shit

#

I already feel 18

#

And people agree with me too

#

My therapist told me I look like a high school girl so YAY

#

And mostly people think I'm 16-17 before getting to know me

#

So I'm happy

#

Also I think my classmate is noticing me turning more skin & bones each day

#

Like, she keeps staring at my body and mostly collar bones

#

Like shit

#

Does she want me Flushed

#

Also damn I'm seeing potential in my body which is rare??

#

Like, I laugh because of how thin my body is sometimes LMAOO

#

It's funny imo

dim island Nov 14, 2025, 11:48 PM

#

I prepared the most low calorie breakfast known to man and I'm PROUD

#

It's gonna be so filling too

#

I'll maybe, but MAYBE finish the konjac noodles too since they make me extremely full too but are barely any calories, theyre disgusting though..

#

And I think they might've expired so I'll just throw them out

dim island Nov 16, 2025, 5:28 PM

#

My mom is losing weight

#

How tf

#

She never exercises

#

And keeps eating junk food

#

Like the whole packs

#

I hate it when people notice she's losing too

#

Like

#

Wtf.

#

I'm taking this as a challenge atp

#

Like damn

#

Right after I got admitted to the mental hospital she pulls this shit on me dawg

#

And she be eating my shit too

#

So that's just... Ew

dim island Nov 16, 2025, 6:32 PM

#

How about I just kill myself because there's no exit

#

I'm so fucking done.

#

Everyday a new problem forms or just gets worse

#

Life is not worth living

#

If everything will just continue like this

#

And tell me why do I cut when my mom has a phobia of blood dawg

#

Me and her are the total opposites

dim island Nov 18, 2025, 12:35 AM

#

Uhm guys I almost died

#

#

I just was showering, sat up to wash my hair and BOOM I feel like I'm bouta faint

#

So I went and ate some berries

#

And then BOOM

#

I lost balance and my grandma woke up

#

Not knowing what I'm doing

#

And laughing until she realized I'm shaking like a mf

#

And munching on those blueberries like a mf trying not to die

#

So she just made me sit on the toilet and eat those blueberries and drink water

#

And she made me coffee that's ZERO CALS WOOO

#

And then my mom came home

#

And she acted like an angel

#

While she used to yell like a mf

#

Idk how much grams was it but I made it 90 since seemed like it

#

ChatGPT is crazy dawg I barely said shit

dim island Nov 18, 2025, 11:50 AM

#

Bruh

#

I just woke up and my 81-83 y/o grandma w/dementia already has a problem with me

#

Kms

#

Like okay I'll die anyway soon but it still matters that she's like this to me when I didn't do shit

dim island Nov 19, 2025, 9:36 PM

#

Helloo

#

I'm forcing my ass to eat atp

#

But that's good I think

#

As long as I'll keep losing weight that's fine 😋

#

I did wtv this is today and that was my dinner before driving to Germany to go shopping

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It was banging though I wasn't hungry but I knew my ass needed it if I don't want to faint in the store

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I also got plums

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I LOVEE plums

dim island Nov 20, 2025, 12:48 PM

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Bro I ate too many plums

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I FEEL SO WEIRDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

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I ate like 7 for the whole day

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Though they're 17 calories each so hey... It's not that bad

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What if I'm counting it wrong though

#Lucine's Journal