Life Being Me

[silver sierra]

ill try

and tell them that

gosh my head feels like its burning

[silent blaze]

All that caffeine and thinking ur doing

[silver sierra]

yeah thats what it is

[silent blaze]

It might do you some good to watch something calming or meditate to calm ur heart

[silver sierra]

i cant really meditate

[silent blaze]

“Do you some good” holy grandpa talk

[silver sierra]

if without anything I already cant keep my eyes close

ima try it]

[silent blaze]

Okie maybe it’ll work

[silver sierra]

uh

now i just feel tired but super wired

but i do feel more relaxed

thanks!

[silent blaze]

Yup!

[silver sierra]

well

i slept

[silent blaze]

Good, do u feel better?

[silver sierra]

i dont feel as wired as I was

[silent blaze]

That’s good actually

I ate hella food bro i feel obese

[silver sierra]

i didnt eat anything

and my nose is runny

i feel like im gonna get sick after fucking up myself mentally so much

[silent blaze]

We are twinning

[silver sierra]

oh no actually i had a kinder bueno

actually my mom got locked outside and i had the keys

and the only reason is they got inside is that they managed to make me half wake up and open the door

but im like 100% sure i was dead asleep

i am like an extremely heavy sleeper

[silent blaze]

Well dang at least u woke up

I had a really good time with my family

We ate and played games and then we played volleyball

[silver sierra]

my cousin told me about how once he was so high he took 4 laps around the whole neighborhood walking like a robot so when he came home it wouldnt look like he was high

[silent blaze]

Valid idea ngl

[silver sierra]

honestly we just listened to music and talked thats pretty much it

[silent blaze]

That’s chill asf, those are my favorite times especially with my friends

[silver sierra]

same

i just enjoy actually partying more than anything

this was more of a reunion typa thing

i hate the fact that i have to sniff right after every 3 seconds

[silent blaze]

I KNOWWW i miss the parties broo. I have one later this month and I’m probably gonna get drunk

[silver sierra]

welp since im 15 they still dont have those big parties

[silent blaze]

That’s good, never become friends with druggies

[silver sierra]

honestly at my school they be selling crack but thats a talk for another time

[silent blaze]

[silver sierra]

unless you are one

[silver sierra]

a kid literally sold a weed pen right in front of me in bio class, i think i told u this before

[silent blaze]

I wasssss, hopefully never again

[silver sierra]

teachers do not care at all

[silent blaze]

That’s horrid, at 15?!

[silver sierra]

yeah

im at the freshman campus

but everywhere in my school has a heavy weed issue

[silent blaze]

Hm seems like its the same everywhere in America

[silver sierra]

like after 2nd period if you go to the bathroom

i remember going once and having to leave immediately because it was pure smoke and i was worried about smelling like weed

though I do know a druggie

[silent blaze]

They don’t drug test anyone?

[silver sierra]

but that same druggie ran a faster mile than me

[silver sierra]

actually our school had an anti drug campaign this week

but all they did was give you candy and a bracelet

[silent blaze]

One of my closest friends is a druggie but like I acknowledge why she is one

[silver sierra]

this druggie I know does it for the fun of the game

he lit told me he took like 20 benadryls once and couldnt even remember what happened

[silent blaze]

Really all my friends are pretty big drinkers and weed smokers. She has just taken whatever people give her and I hate it

[silent blaze]

Legit demonic experience

[silver sierra]

i would never accept any drugs other than weed or alcohol or nicotine at a party

lord even those could be laced

[silent blaze]

I only happened to take hard drugs because I wanted to fit in when I was younger, I just took what others had and I’m surprised im not dead

[silver sierra]

I would take it for the experience

[silent blaze]

Until you fuck yourself up so badly you want to end ur life

[silver sierra]

well

ok nevermind

tbh i just would never do stimulants because they come with the worst downs ever

[silent blaze]

Like adderall and stuff?

[silver sierra]

coke

meth

[silent blaze]

Ohh hm

I really want to take shrooms so badlyyy I might ask my friend if she could get me some

Like shrooms don’t scare me or anything but it’s something I haven’t had

[silver sierra]

shrooms wont kill you but you might end up killing yourself while on them

theres a story of a guy that killed his roommate and cooked their heart when they tried out shrooms

(they did a lot tho)

[silent blaze]

That’s kinda unlikely I feel tho

And i’d be alone

[silver sierra]

the problem with LSD is that it can very easily be laced

[silent blaze]

Okay yeah I don’t trust my friends sketchy ass dealers ngl

[silver sierra]

honestly just go to colorado and buy like 5 DMT pens

so u dont have to keep coming back

and u dont need to trust ur friends

[silent blaze]

I could pay my father to go to the dispensary for me actually

[silver sierra]

wait do you take stimulants for ADHD?

[silent blaze]

yeah vyvanse

[silver sierra]

everyone with ADHD becomes weirdly clever if the stimulants do a good job on them and its so weird

[silver sierra]

im gonna guess there is a reason why you are taking that

instead of regular stuff]

[silent blaze]

Guess

[silver sierra]

you became heavily addicted to regular stimulants

so they gave you a prescription of something that is practically impossible to abuse

[silent blaze]

Pretty much. I wanted to be put on adderall but they know how I am and told me no

Probably for the best.

[silver sierra]

yeah

tbh its not practical to give abusable shit to people with mental disorders

its just saying " go ahead and get high as much as u want on this prescription drug "

[silent blaze]

My mother has a bad history of drugs and she goes to the same psych so there are things i’m not allowed to be on because of that

[silver sierra]

ill just say

always ask for desoxyn

its a way less stressful feel than adderall

its like stronger but smoother

[silent blaze]

I might. Vyvanse is very weird on me

[silver sierra]

well I doubt it will ever happen

since desoxyn is meth

but just saying it is better

[silent blaze]

Who knows

Meth is something even I would never do

[silver sierra]

Until you do it

[silent blaze]

I’m going to the biggest party school in America so MAYBE? But meth makes you into a fucking zombie

[silver sierra]

desoxyn is like a smooth strong hit

because it is like 100x times more controlled than adderall

people claim its easier to get through and there are less sleep issues

[silent blaze]

I took adderall as a kid and hated it because it got rid of my appetite

I was like 7 taking adderall

[silver sierra]

giving adderall to kids is bad

because they can miss on important nutritional milestones

[silent blaze]

Why didn’t they tell me that before I took it

[silver sierra]

honestly just give a non stimulant it is as helpful

[silent blaze]

Idk I wish I never took meds so young

Now I’m dependent on antidepressants. I grew up with a horrible memory AND if I forgot my meds i’d literally feel like death

I remember I was probably 9 and during indoor recess I was literally shivering with cold chills and brains zaps, I ran to the trash in my homeroom and threw up like a bitch

[silver sierra]

oh yeah back to what u said

vyvanse feels weird because it doesnt hit like other stimulants

most you can clearly notice a sudden change

vyvanse feels natural

[silent blaze]

I can definitely tell when it wears off cuz I wanna die

[silver sierra]

i hated passion flower because my first 3 periods i couldnt do anything because i felt super groggy

its like it increased that daily grogginess for hours

[silent blaze]

Shit i’d rather go through full blown psychosis than antidepressant withdrawal

[silver sierra]

i dont think you would but yeah

[silent blaze]

I’ve never really heard much on passion flower

[silent blaze]

I’m 1000% positive about that

[silver sierra]

it works exactly like benzos, but its weaker

[silent blaze]

Like i’m so serious I can’t even go a single day without my antidepressants because not only am I feeling like I have the fucking black plague, my emotions are 10x worse

[silver sierra]

honestly i never took any medication first because i cant swallow, second because i forget to take shit and i fuck up my whole medication schedule

and the only time i ever took this type of medication it made me underperform rather than help me perform well

[silent blaze]

Well shit, you seem to very emotional aware without meds

[silver sierra]

anxiety contributed to that

[silent blaze]

Mm yeah

[silver sierra]

i dont ahve as intense anxiety, but all the knowledge i learned from it still remains

[silent blaze]

It would be amazing if I was able to be smart without medication

[silver sierra]

medication made me dumb

i would literally be so slow in the morning i would just stare at my computer

[silent blaze]

That’s pretty rare, at least i’ve never seen that

[silver sierra]

the medication instant effects dont make u dumb

but the long term use definitely did mess up ur emotions

because imagine ur brain needs that constant dopamine hit from the stimulants to live

and the only time it doesnt need it is when ur manic

[silent blaze]

This makes me sad. I’ll never be able to come off of venlafaxine

I’m genuinely petrified of that thought

[silver sierra]

you can always come off, but never cold turkey

but tapering off can take months

[silent blaze]

I can’t even explain how bad it really is with the withdrawal

[silver sierra]

honestly

people under 18 shouldnt be taking antidepressants or stimulants

but the big pharma as they call it, will make sure to silence anyone influential passing down this message

[silent blaze]

AND IM ON THE HIGHEST FUCKING DOSE WTH

[silver sierra]

because its literally making your brain addicted before it could even fully develop

unless you use antidepressants for 2 weeks and fully recover, you will get physically addicted to it

[silent blaze]

I’m not addicted to the medication, there is a big difference between addiction and dependency.

[silver sierra]

yeah let me word it better

your body is dependent on it

heavily

honestly anything that stimulates ur brain

will make it dependent

its just that caffeine doesnt have a strong withdrawal

but it is a recognized medical condition

[silent blaze]

I never really talk about my meds with anyone

[silver sierra]

its because nobody understands anything about them or cares

[silent blaze]

They never understand the severity of what I go through as well. I think the only person who does is my druggie friend

[silver sierra]

the thing is that im damn sure that

if i take any stimulants if im diagnosed with ADHD

i will get heavily addicted

because i easily get addicted to anything

[silent blaze]

Are you scared ?

[silver sierra]

i used nicotine for about 3-4 days and once i couldnt find the vape and ran through my whole house panicking

and had terrible mood for like a whole month

[silver sierra]

worried

[silent blaze]

Shit not the vape at 15

I LUV THE VAPEUHHHH

[silver sierra]

i decided to stop tbh

i make fun of my friends that do

the thing is

my mom is heavily addicted

[silent blaze]

LOL I CALL THEM VAPESTERS

[silver sierra]

like she cant go a single hour without it

[silver sierra]

tbh its just so lame

because it literally feels lame if u try it out

u wonder why do people even like this shit

[silent blaze]

It seriously does. I love the feeling so much tho

[silver sierra]

i dont feel anything

maybe a bit more restless but thats about it

[silent blaze]

Were you inhaling it?

Stupid question but I didn’t do it right at first

[silver sierra]

i do it right

its just really underwhelming for me

i can like feel it tho but it isnt intense

[silent blaze]

And it lasts like 3 seconds bru

[silver sierra]

its just like im pacing around and i have like 30 plans

but then 30 secs later im back to normal

[silent blaze]

It made me feel like genuinely happy. That’s why I don’t have one

[silver sierra]

i love the idea that it helps me become more goal directed

but its so quick i cant even st art anything

[silent blaze]

EXACTLY VAPING IS USELESS

[silver sierra]

yeah

unless you take a puff every second like one right after another

its useless

[silent blaze]

You’ve never done weed have you? I think you’d feel horrid on it

[silver sierra]

thats why i prefer coffee because you can just take way higher amounts than necessary and feel amazing

[silver sierra]

not really, I just always backed up when offered

[silent blaze]

You already have anxiety so I strongly STRONGLYYY recommend you don’t take it. If you manage to get addicted ur fucked

[silver sierra]

it depends on the type

[silent blaze]

don’t listen to the sativa indica bullshit

[silver sierra]

also never will i ever take synthetic cannabinoids

that shit is as dangerous

as opioids

to ur brain

[silent blaze]

BRO CARTS CAN FUCK YOU UPPO

[silver sierra]

those can make you go psychotic easily if ur prone to it or you have similar issues

weed psychosis as a whole is always bad

[silent blaze]

That was the start of my panic attacks. I got sick one time and stopped smoking weed, I took it again (smoked my usual amount) but I lost my tolerance and greened out

The first time I ever went to my mother while on drugs, I couldn’t even talk to her because the words wouldn’t come out

After that event it was legit downhill from there

Like I was crying telling my mom to call the ambulance and shit

I WAS PLAYING FORTNITE WITH MY BSF WHEN THAT HAPPENED

[silver sierra]

Honestly if I take sugary shit when I drink coffee it helps a lot

Cause like when I drink coffee and then dont eat anything for hours I will be feeling terrible

Sometimes I have to force myself to eat because I lose my appetite

Welp

I dont have the most insane drug experiences

Other than I literally had like 3 hours of sleep once because I took 2 sips of extreme concentrated coffee

[silent blaze]

That is how it should be. I know I talk about my drug use quite often but it’s because of how badly it’s effected me

You will become someone you won’t recognize

And I never want that for anyone

It will never be worth it

[silver sierra]

Now you are manually breathing

[silent blaze]

https://tenor.com/view/sigma-alpha-wolf-alpha-wolf-the-weak-should-quiver-gif-17759401881362908244

[silver sierra]

Yeah I wouldnt do anything hard either

Opioids are like a nono

[silver sierra]

https://tenor.com/view/smart-monkey-listening-monkey-speech-bubble-dumb-lion-lion-yelling-gif-977388511909412427

[silent blaze]

W PHOTOOO

at the cookout it was majestic so i took a picture

[silver sierra]

It does look good

I took this while it was heavy raining and I didnt even have a hoodie

Loved taking those night walks

[silent blaze]

Night walks are so therapeutic

[silver sierra]

everytime when i have a lot of coffee i do these

or just general walks even in the day

and just listening to my fav music

it feels free

honestly i think my lack of sleep is getting to me people are telling me I make no sense

[silent blaze]

Yes that’s really concerning

[silver sierra]

ive had a total of

9 hours of sleep in 2 days

which is like good if you sleep that in a day

[silent blaze]

Wth why aren’t you getting more sleep?!

[silver sierra]

i did a quick calculation

in about 30 mins i took about 450mg of caffeine

400mg+ can have risk of overdose in a healthy adult

[silver sierra]

yesterday i played kanye's whole discography in my head

until about 12:30 AM

then I just stayed awake until 1:30 AM

it was really like this

" okay im feeling tired, but now I need to use the bathroom "

goes back to bed fully energized again

" okay now this will take like 10 mins "

[silent blaze]

So you understand how bad that is for you? You shouldn’t do that again.

[silver sierra]

i have a good idea

its to see if you are getting a dangerous amount of sleep

put a bowl, a timer, and extend your arm with a spoon

if you drop it because you started sleeping in less than 5 mins

ur sleep deperived

[silent blaze]

Oh hmmm

[silver sierra]

ima do it rn actually

[silent blaze]

Id probably drop it being stupid. I never stop moving

[silver sierra]

also today i spent my last 11 bucks

on a redbull, gum and a kinder

i have like 1 dollar left

[silent blaze]

You and those damn redbulls

[silver sierra]

i havent bought one in 2 weeks

okay ima do it

[silent blaze]

Good luck

I woke up like 3 times unable to breathe, thought I was gonna die of a heart attack. Then whenever I got more sleep I had weirdly vivid dreams

[silver sierra]

ok so uh

i was like intentionally making it loose because i wanted to get up

and it felt like 10 mins passed but it was only 4

welp this is a sign to worry

[silver sierra]

I dont really know what this could be

probably because you were so rushed with like panic and shit your brain was hyperactive when u slept

[silent blaze]

I can’t even sleep in peace what a fucking joke

[silver sierra]

that would be something to address

maybe the root cause of your intense mania, intense depression, constant sickness, and chronic stress is not what happens in the day

but the night

along with the medication

you have to follow the college plan to ask on how to find a therapist once ur there

a therapist in this case can be life changing

because they will be able to help everything step by step

[silent blaze]

Yea I definitely need a therapist

Sometimes my heart starts beating fast and then I can’t breathe but i’m not panicking its just uncomfortable

Well I do panic a little bit

[silver sierra]

panic attacks have the panic essence first because of the chemical shit thats going on

but because of whats going on, you panic

its interesting

[silent blaze]

I swear i’m like a fucking science experiment of bad stuff

[silver sierra]

I also microwaved some homemade food

Big meal no bad stuff

[silent blaze]

W EATS?

I gotta start noting how often I feel like i’ll stop breathing

I WANNA GO BACK TO GROUP THERAPYYYUHH

i remember on my last visit of group therapy I was always the last to be picked up by my step-dad and I was feeling very anxious and sad. My therapist was waiting with me and I just said “will you forget me” because I was so suicidal I wanted someone to remember me yk

He told me “i’ll never forget you, I remember all of my patients” and I was abt to cry like a stone cold sigma

I think I actually turned away from him and started to cry

[silver sierra]

there could also be a psychiatric reason as for the constant panic attacks

maybe its a panic disorder because of the past drug use along with the other mental disorders and how they have been affecting your brain

something to point out to a therapist

gosh my head feels like its gonna burn

my whole body does

also ive started doing nicotine again and burning stuff, but honestly I like it

Its like fun to burn things because I have so much I want to do but dk where to go

and like people are like go for a walk

or talk to someone

I ALREADY DID THAT

i would make a dc server it usually helps the anxiety

but they never work out and I feel terrible and lazy after

so I gave up

i also walked past a supercar today and it looked awesome sauce

once my phone is fully charged ill post it here

[silent blaze]

Whyyyyy?

You know that could also trigger things for you, not like what I’ve dealt with so don’t be worried. I mean maybe but it’s unlikely

[silver sierra]

Honestly it doesnt

[silent blaze]

But still it is genuinely not good for anxiety people

[silver sierra]

Nicotine doesnt do anything

Honestly

I think i am just like so tired my body doesnt even try to make me be energetic

[silent blaze]

You didn’t sleep a lot last night?

[silver sierra]

I went to sleep at like 11 PM

But woke up at 5 AM

I did nic today only

[silent blaze]

But i’m being so serious about nicotine. You’re 15 pleaseeeee don’t

Any age shouldn’t be using

[silver sierra]

Rationally I dont do it

But im like completely lacking that thinking rn

Sometimes mid typing i be staring and thinking what I was about to write

[silent blaze]

You should talk with your therapist as soon as possible. Also do you take any melatonin or sleep medication?

You might be lacking melatonin

[silver sierra]

I dont want to tbh

Like the medication part

But yeah why not tell my therapist

They will just say its anxiety like they say for everything

[silent blaze]

Well if you’re unable to sleep you should try melatonin. Sleep medication like prescribed I can understand not taking.

[silver sierra]

Its not that

I dont want to sleep

[silent blaze]

You need a psychiatrist desperately.

[silver sierra]

I dont like telling people I dont want to sleep because it sounds dumb

But its rlly the only reason why

[silent blaze]

Doesn’t sound dumb, there was a point where I got close to 3 hours of sleep a day around age 13-14 because I never wanted to sleep. My mind was on go-mode 24/7

Night time is really the only time I feel at peace so I understand that completely

[silver sierra]

Honestly this feels like a depressive pattern

Because its also the dreading of tomorrow

Honestly I am mad for no reason now

Ill take a break from the phone and rest

[silent blaze]

Is it bad that when some of my friends say they’re “depressed” i get kind of mad because they throw that word around meanwhile i’m here with the worst freaking life

That’s me being ignorant

[silver sierra]

Its hard to know

Each person goes through it differently

[silent blaze]

I graduate tomorrow

My father isn’t going

[silver sierra]

why not?

[silent blaze]

They background check and he has a felony conveniently

what a dumbass

[silver sierra]

well consequences come in handy

good luck on ur graduation!

when do u go to college after graduating?

[silent blaze]

August 21st, 3 monthss

I just put together everything so I can send my family dorm stuff

I have a roommate already so thank goodness I’m not randomly getting someone. And may 19th is when I pick my dorm hall and stuff

Then I have freaking overnight orientation in june for my school and a bunch of other shit I have to do. The amount of work i’ve put into choosing colleges, visiting them, doing legit side quests at colleges is INSANE

Oh and i’m having a grad party some time next month (ik it’s late) hopefully. Or i’ll just do a small graduation gathering.

[silver sierra]

oh nice!

honestly life has been boring

for me

(even though in 2 days im going to niagara falls)

i lit have to play a memory game on my next therapy session

bc of my issues with that along with interest/motivation, and being restless, I feel like a toddler

[silent blaze]

YAYY THAT’LL BE FUN

My life is never this busy, this is actually the first time i’ve been this busy. Usually i’d just work and go back home, occasionally hangout with friends. All my friends are graduating too, it doesn’t even feel real

Wdym i’ll never be in grade school again

God and I have to see the FUCKING GUY WHO LIKES ME tomorrow. God please save me

[silent blaze]

a parrot showed up to my graduation for no reason

Not my grandma crying the whole graduation.

[silent blaze]

Got in my prom dress and started crying then my friend said I looked pretty (he never lies like that) and that I just have to see it

I always think I look fat

I like know i’m not fat but I for some reason think I am?

[bold field]

oh sorry my brother was graduating so I showed up

[silver sierra]

Ik how it feels

[silent blaze]

Prom

Im not that tall btw

I had to freaking hold my phone up

[silent blaze]

i look down on others who never experienced mental health issues or true depression.

And I don’t want to

I want to be selfless and humble, but in the back of my head I can’t

Also this is unrelated sort of but whenever I think super hard about what I felt during psychosis, my heart drops like I just saw something scary

Then I can’t breathe all of a sudden

I think I have ptsd or something (probably not I’m just being ignorant)

My brain fights those memories so much so when I think very hard about them it’s like those emotions come flooding back.

Whenever I speak about what I went through, I always kind of sum it up saying “oh it was really bad I wanted to die”, that doesn’t explain how truly abhorrent I felt.

I thought people were coming to kill me and I’d wake up in the middle of the night genuinely fearing for my life, I couldn’t even be around family because nothing I said would make sense. The little time I was actually around family and speaking, I couldn’t even talk full sentences without getting weak and the impending doom weighing me down

[silent blaze]

I wanna smokeeeuhh

Is it bad I lowkirk wanna be a vapester

I KNOW I CANTTTT

[silent blaze]

did nothing all day but play on my phone in my room

[silver sierra]

great

i still have some weeks left of school, kill me

[silent blaze]

My grandpa is on hospice starting today and i’m very upset

I swear these horrible things only happen to me

[silent blaze]

U GOT THIS SUMMER WILL BE FIREE

[silver sierra]

last summer i was just depressed and spent a total of 10-20 days outside for more than 1 hour

[silent blaze]

You don’t have to be that way this time

[silver sierra]

ima learn how to drive

honestly during summer i become a socially awkward weirdo

i remember being on discord 24/7

i feel ashamed

anyways how is life going now that u graduated?

[silent blaze]

Was legitimately me

[silent blaze]

The same sort of. I just work a bunch now and i’ve been talking with my roommate and stuff

I choose my dorm tomorrow but the set time is legit when I’m working so I have to step out of work to choose a dorm

And I’m planning my grad party STILL along with signing up for this freaking orientation getaway thing for freshmans at my college

Ykw im so busy bro just take me out for the count

[silver sierra]

I have an F with 3 weeks left of school

Literally I might go to summer school because of math

Honestly I cant allow myself to be more stressed thankfully

Its so hard bc like how can I not feel heavy anxiety anymore

Anyway

Well is ur roommate nice? I mean it seems like it

[silent blaze]

It gets to a point where you can only go uphill from there

And yes my roommate is chill asffff

[silent blaze]

I loveee kurt cobain more than anyone else

I can’t even go an hour without thinking of him

I’ll talk about how I love him to my newer friends but they have no idea that I’m dependent on his memories in order to live

It’s crazy I feel so many emotions that i’m not sure about, but when I think of him I feel completely overwhelmed

Don’t get me wrong this sounds crazy but he doesn’t interfere with my relationships or anything, I simply use his existence as a coping mechanism because I can relate to him so much.

[silver sierra]

its not a coping mechanism

u just like him 🙂

if we say coping mechanism it feels fake, it feels like u dont care, but it isnt that\

[silent blaze]

Derealization pretty bad today

[silent blaze]

all the times my surroundings were unfamiliar, my family, even myself, never once was Kurt Cobain unfamiliar

[silent blaze]

I think sometimes that i’m so happy to have my memories unique to me.

[silent blaze]

My grandpa died and I thought i’d be alright but i’m not

He just went to hospice, he didn’t die until my mother went to see him. Nobody in the family liked my mother, the only people who cared for my mother were my Nana (great grandma) and Papi (my great grandpa) and so losing him genuinely hurt my mother so much

She lost my Nana a couple years ago and I have never seen her so sad. She usually acts so calm and serious but whenever she talks about my nana it’s like she’s a kid.

My grandma never really cared for my mother the way nana did. My nana drove her everywhere, fed her, legit raised her. She welcomed my mother when she had my older sister at 14. So whenever she cries like a child who misses her mother, I don’t know what to do other than hold her.

My Papi was such a strong strong man who was worth admiration always. I’m in so much pain knowing I can never talk with him again like I did as a child. When he’d sit and watch pbs kids with me, when I shot his gun for the first time, when he treated me with respect regardless of what skin color I am (my white side disliked me for being mixed)

So I hope him and nana are somewhere knowing how much I love them and how thankful I am for being their grandchild.

[silent blaze]

i miss being manic just a lil bit

I was so confident

[silent blaze]

So excited to not be living with my little siblings

[silent blaze]

My first panic attack in a couple weeks

I think I accidentally got coffee that isn’t decaf

Surprisingly easier to handle than the other ones before

Im gonna take my anxiety meds because my heart is literally pounding and I have like random periods of not being able to breathe

Is this bad that I find the way my body is acting is fascinating?

[silent blaze]

I feel like nobody in the world could ever love me

[silent blaze]

I wanna get drunk

[silent blaze]

Fuck it i’m getting a vape

[silent blaze]

Today I drove some more and now i’m tanning

I feel proud because the other day I got a bunch of stuff for my dorm. I have 2 lists, one is for the regular store supplies like school supplies, then the other list is for specific things on amazon like desk organizers, mattress toppers, etc