Life Being Me

[silver sierra]

Like u feel ur body physically give out but you cant sleep or do smth to help it

Im not an expert so i might be wrong

But yeah

Thats the scary part

Drugs while manic is not normal

You take like double the amount

Or do anything to continue taking it

It pisses me off searching abt mania because its never the same, it is just generally the same

[silent blaze]

Bro the worst feeling i’ve ever felt was waking up in the middle of the night after 5 shots, weed, and zyns. I woke up at like 4 am and thought I was having a heart attack bro I fell to the floor at my friends house cuz I couldn’t breathe

all while having impending doom

[silver sierra]

Thats prob a panic attack

I be seeing people talk about hypomania like the best thing ever and making profitable content out of it

Then I see this and think

[silent blaze]

It definitely was. I also convinced myself someone was coming to kill me at some point so I went to the bathroom and threw up really badly. Then went to sleep

[silver sierra]

Are these people lying

Or js idk

[silent blaze]

I think it’s genuinely different based on the person

[silver sierra]

Lmao im sorry for laughing but thats so random

[silent blaze]

LMAO IT WAS SO RANDOM IK

[silver sierra]

Its prob bc of racing thoughts

Like you had a delusion but then quickly shifted to sleepy

Thats like

Idk

Mania is the part that will always make me look sane, no offense

[silent blaze]

Yuh I think I got tired after puking my soul out. Bro don’t ever drink pink whitney that shit will have you zombified

[silver sierra]

I will never drink anything with too much alcohol

Unless its vodka but thats a talk for another time

[silent blaze]

Nahh I hear tons of people saying they didnt even know it was mania, they thought they were just happy or something

[silver sierra]

Your brain cant tell if your manic

Even after u diagnosed

[silent blaze]

You’ll never see me drinking vodka, my heart burn will make me feel like i’m in satans lair

[silver sierra]

All u can do is guess and try to help it

Or if u go to therapy they can tell you if ur manic or not

Prob

And they most likely have coping mechanisms

Now think with me

Imagine having psychotic mania and depression with bipolar

[silent blaze]

I deadass needa do like therapy prob online cuz I work everyday and the days im not, i’m with family

[silver sierra]

Yeah i do online

Also did i tell u

I think my therapist

Thinks i might have adhd cause like everything they said aligned with what it is

The thing is

Ive never been hyperactive constantly before

Oh shit

I went so off track

And didnt even see

[silent blaze]

Do you ever have hard time paying attention or like switch topics a lot because you’re thinking so much at once?

[silver sierra]

Drew it in like 3 mind

Mins

[silver sierra]

Eh

[silent blaze]

PEAK SONG?!

[silver sierra]

Attention yes

I cant tell if i have racing thoughts tbh

Like i genuinely cant tell how fast my thoughts are and its so weird

[silent blaze]

Like for me I have an incredibly difficult time paying attention because I drift off and think of things completely unrelated.

Also a lot of the time I think of doing all these cool plans when I’m motivated then I just lose motivation and don’t do it

My parents teamed up to make the most mentally ill child ever. Bipolar, severe depression, derealization/depersonalization, adhd, and anxiety like wtf

[silver sierra]

I cant focus when im listening to music i like whether with airpods or not

Like if i can hear it im gone

Its hard cause

I stopped looking to see if i paid attention

But i have struggled

My main issue is im adrenaline seeking

So i always leave things on the very far end of a deadline

Or even miss it because i forgot about the deadline

And clearly

I yap a lot

Not as much irl im able to control myself

But ive been finding that its hard for me to wait my turn talking unless im fully done talking or actually want to listen

Which is rare

[silent blaze]

Idkkk I think you could have adhd but like I think you’d have to try and note yours symptoms more. Like try thinking of if you’re having racing thoughts or if you aren’t focusing properly

[silver sierra]

Yeah i used to do that

But it comes with my other thing

I work with stimulation

Literally

So once i stop finding it interesting ill hardly find it interesting again unless there is something as stimulating as it used to be

Thats why i go back and forth with so much shit

All of this is based on what my therapist told me

However we only have done 3 months of therapy so she isnt jumping to conclusions yet

Because it can be anything still

But they know its not fully anxiety

Because they noticed i improved overall

[silent blaze]

SAMEE i have to be taught a specific way because I physically cannot pay attention to anything that isn’t stimulating. That’s why I did so bad during school because they weren’t willing to help me

[silver sierra]

Honestly

The racing thoughts part is what i always wondered

What if i always had racing thoughts but never noticed

At the same timr

How can i know

Lmao

But tbh i can notice it when i cant think of words but im still able to speak

Like im speaking fast even though im not thinking of words

Alr i got a bit too comfortable, but i also split my texts a lot, sorry for making your journal abt me i js enjoy relating to u lol

[silent blaze]

For me I think a LOT in a short period of time. So I notice that i’ll be like sitting and i’ll feel like it’s been a long ass time but in reality I was thinking a shit ton and went through so many topics in like 1 minute

[silent blaze]

NAHH DONT WORRY. Im so glad people talk with me in my journal

[silver sierra]

Thats relatable

I be having a whole story occur while im also thinking about class

[silent blaze]

At the beginning I was just yapping about my life but now sometimes people talk with me

[silent blaze]

LMAO me having a topic for a poem i’m never going to write but i’m so hype for it

[silver sierra]

In my journal i just write my feelings very briefly

[silver sierra]

I be imagining myself joining a talent show

Or going on a no hesi drive

[silent blaze]

Ooo imma follow ur journal

[silver sierra]

Its pretty dry i forget to do it constantly

[silent blaze]

Legit aura farming in my thoughts mid class lecture

[silent blaze]

Its fine, whenever you do i’ll see it

[silver sierra]

I know why im sleepy so early

By 8:00 till 9:00 ill be have an unstoppable energy

Then suddenly ill feel sleepy

I doubt ill remember this but yeah its useful info at least for me somehow lol

Ok now im just talking to talk

[silent blaze]

i do the same thing bro dont even worry idccc

Write that down. Write your symptoms downn

I say that, then I never do it because I forget

[silver sierra]

Ok now runaway is playing

Its been a long time since i listened to the full 9 mins

I usually stop at 7

[silver sierra]

Samee

I have a journal with symptoms

But the writing is kinda edgy

Actually my first journal is so embarrassing

[silent blaze]

U sound like me in ur journal. We kind of talk the same

I’m always cussing though which sucks

I try not to, then forget I was trying not to

[silver sierra]

I cuss as i widh

Wish

I would use worse words but then id get flagged or muted

Cussimt isnt sinful its only sinful if you mean it to someone else or to yourself

Holy wtf

Im checking back on my writing and its straight up bs writing

[silent blaze]

LMAO ur so like self critical

That sounded mean

Im just saying u should be easier on yourself

[silver sierra]

I cant rm

Rn

Like genuinely i feel like if i dont say it ill die

Oh yeahhh

I did full 9 mins on runaway

[silver sierra]

A bit too far

Its like obsessive speaking atp

Is what ill say

[silent blaze]

Hm I can see that. Typically as you get older it’ll become easier

[silver sierra]

Yeah i used to talk a lot when i was little

Its more about coordination in the body

[silent blaze]

I did the same thing at ur age, really in just like a couple years my emotions became easier to catch

Not that im much older

[silver sierra]

Yeah its not that its hard to catch

But its hard to let it stay

Like ik when i feel bad happy etc

But it switches a lot

Its just hormones, like they say lmaoo

[silent blaze]

Ah yeah, at least you’re aware. A lot of people’s aren’t, including myself at that age

[silver sierra]

My problem is the anxiety i had

It just made me aware

Im not anxious but im still more aware

Be cause the habit stuck

Even if the feeling didnt

[silent blaze]

Okay sorry i was taking a bath and went to see my mom

[silver sierra]

its fine i went to sleep after

like at 11 PM

[silent blaze]

Oh i felt bad cuz I just went silent

Im at work rn and im drinking caffeine so let’s hope im not tweaking

[silver sierra]

bro i cant drink coffee

i instantly go into panic mode

but i can have 2 red bulls and be fine

i had like 9 hours of sleep

but im still like hella hyper even from yesterday

good luck for u

[silent blaze]

I remember u saying thisss

[silver sierra]

now i do as well

[silent blaze]

Im okay currently, and whenever I get home im going to take my anxiety meds so they’ll hopefully help

[silent blaze]

MY PROM DRESS

[silver sierra]

so cool!

i miss HOCO

best day of my freshman year

[silver sierra]

It seems you had a tiring day to say the least lol

Hope u sleep well!

[silent blaze]

THANK YOUUU, i did get some good sleep

Bro gas is at $5 how tf am I supposed to get gas

[silver sierra]

so uhh

i dont think ill have good sleep tonight

today i woke up at 5:40 AM

and went out to run a 5km

then i took a 1 hour rest before organizing my bedroom and house eventually

then i took like a 2 hour rest but i was getting so insanely bored and in the need to do something that i went and took a walk but then got bored of it then came back

and 30 mins later i ran another 5km

[silver sierra]

note i went to sleep at 12 AM

and tomorrow morning i already agreed to go run out with my buddy an 8km

wbu

[silver sierra]

bro i have like 5 bucks left

ill mail it

lmao

[silent blaze]

$5 bucks a gallon, that’d get me a single gallon

[silver sierra]

when faced with challenges, gamble

[silent blaze]

If u have say a Ram truck or a truck in general, it’d cost u almost 200 dollars to fill up rn

[silver sierra]

holy shit

well

i cant tell you what to do, because i would definitely do smth stupid or not use the money at all

[silent blaze]

LOLLL, every state in north America rn is at an all time high with gas prices

In my state my family has never seen almost 6 dollars for gas, not even during covid or after covid

[silver sierra]

honestly im trying so hard to not in arguments with people or mad at my cat

genuinely i was cut 3 times by my aunt when i was talking to her tdy

or my cat just fucks around every 30 seconds

anyway

i dont check much gas prices

but it be like that

[silent blaze]

Lol cats can be demons omfg

[silver sierra]

i've been holding myself to not be violent and understand but its hard

ill be fair

im a bit brutal with my pets

[silver sierra]

Mb if i creeped your ass out or smth lmao

Oh ur working

Nvm

[silent blaze]

Srry i was busyyy

Ive been talking a bunch with my ex bestfriend turned sorta friend

[silver sierra]

I mean if you both are happy then I wont judge

[silent blaze]

Idk… i still feel hurt

I can’t even call him my bestfriend again, and whenever he like says something about how close we are I just freeze

[silver sierra]

Yeah

It feels like ur trying to let yourself consider them as a friend

But simply ur just letting them be around, in your mind, they will never be a friend again

But hey, if you wanna talk I will try to help this situation if you want out or in, its your choice

[silent blaze]

I dont know because we have been really talking and playing games a lot like we’re back to normal but I just dont trust him and probably never will

[silver sierra]

I get how you feel

Its hard

If this is what you want, go ahead

It takes time to gain trust again

But if you feel like it isnt worth it

Cut it at the moment you feel that way

Or else the issues can even get worse

Because they are still the same person either way

[silent blaze]

This is completely unrelated but I really wanna smoke

[silver sierra]

Lol

Ive been craving energy drinks but I am able to hold onto myself

Lowk all that ive been going through been making me think I have adhd and even the indirects my therapist is giving me

But like its so hard because the symptoms are smth any disorder can have

[silent blaze]

I think you have a good chance of being adhd, who am I though

[silver sierra]

Thats what I always get told

I have a friend with ADD

Like once he gets on his phone he will not chime away until class is over

Welp

But ive always been told I have anxiety because I am fidgety, talkative etc

Like when I was 10 I think I started therapy

[silent blaze]

Yeah adhd is really different for specific people

[silver sierra]

Honestly

I remember back in my old school i used to get in trouble for the dumbest shit

Genuinely on my first day back at school I got sent out the classroom because I couldnt sit down at the back

Terrible timed

I remember at the end of the year having no filter about how I thought cause I was gonna leave the school

Straight up said I hated it

To my whole class

Honestly I type too much and split it too much but this would sum up in like a 4-5 sentence paragraph

I hate flooding other people’s journas

Journals*

[silent blaze]

BRO WE ARE TWINS

i got in trouble for legit everything at school. I once wore my big coat in class because I was very cold and they sent me to the office because I refused to take it off

[silent blaze]

Bro ur good, ur like the only person who ever really types her and I love that

[silver sierra]

Honestly what I hate about school is grades

Like hell yeah I care and wanna do work to keep it up

But I aint doing the work

I only had good grades on my first semester

[silver sierra]

I remember getting put outside my class and i started crying but when the monitor tried to comfort me I had such an ugly face i didnt even look at them and stared at the ceiling while my classmates by the door were laughing

I genuinely hated having intense emotions

[silent blaze]

I look back at myself and everyone told me I was “sassy” and mean. But in reality I was a really hurt child who expressed my emotions differently from others. I used to be so loud as a kid, people don’t even recognize me now because I’m not anymore. Because I was told not to be

I say and do things most people would think of as mean. But in reality there is never a time where I view anyone negatively unless they like SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY do something wrong

Even then I’m such a pushover I feel empathetic

I used to let everyone hurt me because of how bad I wanted someone to love me, and now when I no longer do that, everyone suddenly cares about me

It started with my brothers, I tried so badly for them to love me. I used to sleep on the floor outside their doors so they’d open the door and pay attention to me and care, they’d step over me and i’d wake up in the same spot I started at

Now I don’t try to make them care, but when I act differently they start caring about me. Like go fuck yourselves

YAP FEST

[silver sierra]

I dont even know what type of kid I really am to be honest

I always hung out with the weird and problematic kids before I moved to the USA

I always had a hard time socializing because my mom did the minimum for me to socialize because she was scared

I always got bullied not because I let them, but because I didnt have the words, I didnt know comebacks that wouldn’t get me laughed at, and in the end I thought it was just another day and at home I could forget it by playing online further fucking up my social life

[silent blaze]

You seem like the type of person who picks up on the emotions of others, but not yourself

[silver sierra]

I used to be like that

Nowadays I wont do both

I feel like I cant get close to people

I dont have any sense of safety with my friends even though I do

[silent blaze]

See and this was how it was between me and my brothers. I was legitimately bullied by them and I had to come up with comebacks that wouldn’t get me laughed at. I’d go out to school and say those comebacks to people, and I became the person everyone thought was mean

All because that’s how it was in my family

[silent blaze]

This right here. Nothing, absolutely nothing feels secure. A lot of the time i’m like “why even try”

[silver sierra]

Yeah

The thing is this fucks my social life even more and ive been trying to help it

Like I have barely hanged out with my friends

[silent blaze]

The fact that you recognize this at such a young age is astonishing. Every time I speak with you I get that feeling you’ll become a happy and content person because you understand how life is

[silver sierra]

It can go both ways

I can spiral into anxiety and paranoia for the rest of my life

Or that

[silent blaze]

That’s highly unlikely though, especially nowadays.

[silver sierra]

And I go to therapy so I guess yeah

[silent blaze]

It’s like when people drink and party at a young age, then they become an adult and don’t do it anymore because they are familiar with it. The more familiar you are with your emotions, the more easier it becomes to control

[silver sierra]

Sorry for going off track but this might be his top 5 albums

[silent blaze]

LMAOO

Is this new kanye

[silver sierra]

I agree to be honest, or it can turn into a life long addiction

[silver sierra]

2019

So no

[silent blaze]

Oh

[silver sierra]

This is the last old Kanye album, the next is Donda

[silent blaze]

Im not a huge kanye listener

Of course I listen to Graduation and his older albums but not like his new stuff

[silver sierra]

Me neither

All the big listeners listen to the old stuff tho

I only like BULLY and VULTURES 1

Honestly I js dont really understand emotions which is normal at this age

But it comes to the point

“ Is this real, or am I pretending? “

Because when we think of something there is that placebo

So if you think you are dumb for example

You will do less well

For a bit

[silent blaze]

Is it like “is this a real emotion or am I feeling this because of my age?” Way?

[silver sierra]

Yeah you took the words out of it and placed them in the exactly right way

Its kinda hard because in the end

It partially js

Is*

But it feels odd, it feels like there is something to it

[silent blaze]

In a way when you explain this me to, I understand it. Your emotions now will end up shaping who you are in the future. Even when they feel insignificant because of your age, those emotions are valid regardless. Maybe that odd feeling could be your body learning or growing if that makes sense

It is annoying though constantly doubting if how you’re feeling is valid or substantial

[silent blaze]

i want to smoke so badly

nobody understands what it’s like to be me

I remember having a panic attack the whole time I was at the movies with my brothers. I walked out of the theater with them and they always say something demeaning towards me. Usually i’d be upset and move on, but that time it hurt me so badly.

We got in the car and I prayed to god that we’d get in a car crash and die

Its horrible but I wanted them to die

Why am I still the only person that’s left to suffer at the hands of my brothers

Im thinking now about how bad would it be if I were to relapse.

[silver sierra]

I get how it feels

They think just because you moved on once, you will never care, and it really isn't like that

They have to remember they are your brothers, words mean more than just words.

[silver sierra]

Id get that sometimes I cant lie

[silver sierra]

Look smoking weed is never good, smoking cigs is a NO.

[silent blaze]

LOLL i mean’t sh

[silver sierra]

I just think that if you want to cool off, meditation is the best idea, but for god's sake, I would never put this expectation upon you because if I were you I would just hate myself even more

[silver sierra]

oh

[silent blaze]

There are a million things I could relapse on tho

[silver sierra]

Very well, then thats a NO. But listen, you make the choices you make

[silent blaze]

Yeah I know that, and i’m too old to be this weak

[silver sierra]

I am here to tell you what is really gonna happen and give my support, but you are the one in charge in the en

Also didnt you say you were gonna go off to college? I believe this will soon end

The conflict with your brothers

The constant overworking to manage your household

Look college wont be easy, but I believe it is better than this.

[silent blaze]

I think so

[silver sierra]

And not only that, I know you arent in the mood for it, but we have already seen many solutions and ideas we can come up with in college

To help your mental health, and for you to stabilize 🙂

Nothing is permanent, and college is your biggest signal of this

If you sh, you will get addicted, or feel a terrible guilt, and that is not something you wanna carry along with the weights you are already carrying

[silent blaze]

Yeahh I keep thinking about when I started spiraling into what seemed like a psychosis or something, I self harmed and it felt like the worst feeling ever

I want to start smoking lavender again

It helped me sleep and it satisfied that feeling of wanting to smoke

I have no like passion to smoke weed again, only cigarettes

i fucking hateee being the way I am. I can’t smoke weed without having panic attacks, can’t drink, I’m too empathetic, like jesus

[silver sierra]

I think you are looking at it the wrong way

Your brain craves drugs thats a fact

So everything relates it sees it relates to drugs

Even the good things causing this

And listen

Having panic attacks when u smoke weed is a big indicator to not smoke it

My thing for cigs is not because its bad for the lungs but because its so addictive and the cancer

[silver sierra]

Honestly im unsure if every emotion I feel isnt strong or I always have intense emotions so I learned to handle them

Besides the point, sh is never good

Its addictive because it connects to the opioid signals

Life is really just so hard in every aspect

But we have to choose to keep going

We have to believe good things are coming our way

Because believe or not they are

And you are the main actor, the person who gifts yourself with these long term rewards

Thats why it always starts with you

And I know you have been trying and I see that effort so please, keep going, because not only do I care, but I understand more than you think.

[silent blaze]

The difficult part is that to me nothing is truly happy. I always think about how in the end we’ll all die and nothing matters

[silver sierra]

Exactly

Nothing matters

Life is a party

So why not choose to enjoy it

Because in the end

It was worth it for you

And nothing can change tha

And yeah you cant feel happy

But happiness builds up

[silent blaze]

Ur probably right, I just don’t feel good

[silver sierra]

Yeah

If I were you I would have just turned off my phone and slept

But I appreciate you reading this

I really do ❤️

[silent blaze]

Im about to sleep cuz im having a hard time, like always not gonna have a panic attack though

At least im like 78% sure

[silver sierra]

Take some rest

It helps improve your mood no matter the depression

Just dont oversleep

[silent blaze]

Im in bed rn and this is random but I want a pet bunny

[silver sierra]

We all do

But I would literally not be able to mentally and physically deal with the amount of shit

[silent blaze]

LMAOO I KNOWW

my big rule is to never get a pet unless I’ve wanted it for more than 2 years

[silver sierra]

And if they shit normally

[silent blaze]

ALSO MY SISTER DREW THIS FOR ME

[silver sierra]

Not like a factory

[silver sierra]

Its so cute and sweet

[silent blaze]

I KNOW? She is usually a little brat

[silver sierra]

All little sisters are

I remember crying because of how frustrated I used to get

I was a crybaby back then

Honestly if I showed u my drawings

[silent blaze]

Show meee 😎

[silver sierra]

Honestly no its not even funny its embarrassingly funny

Oh my god

I feel bad for kanye

[silent blaze]

BRO KANYE SAMEEE

[silent blaze]

Holy peak

I luv it

[silver sierra]

Yours is like 10x better

[silent blaze]

NAH HE LOOKS LIKE A THUMB FROM SPY KIDS

[silver sierra]

He lowk look like an avocado

[silent blaze]

LMAOO HE DOES

[silver sierra]

I remember accidentally taking this pic of a kid

Its so gold

[silent blaze]

BRO THOSE SNAP FILTERS ARE AMAZING

[silver sierra]

Bro i was kirkified by my friends once

When i went to universal

[silent blaze]

Broo was it fun?

[silver sierra]

Yess

Hold I have a video from hoco

[silent blaze]

YESS I WANNA SEE

[silver sierra]

Bro i was moving so much

[silent blaze]

Bro fein is such a vibe idgaf how much hate it gets

That looks fun brooouhh im having fomo

[silver sierra]

Best day of my freshman yesr

We were supposed to have a spring dance but it got canceled cause nobody wanted to come

[silent blaze]

I wanna send stuff but like there is always someone in my freaking photos holy crap

[silent blaze]

That makes sense th

[silver sierra]

I always be having the best vids in my roll

[silver sierra]

My hoco vids all are just dancing

[silver sierra]

Lmfaoo

[silent blaze]

wait

That had my like stuff

THIS

average experience in my town

[silver sierra]

Lmao what is this

Honestlt bruh

Drunk driving warning ads just encourage alcoholics to do it

Because it just gives them ideas

[silent blaze]

Bro he was fleeing the police apparently

[silver sierra]

How do you swerve this badly and still manage to hit head first

Like honestly its America

There isnt anything you cant expect

[silent blaze]

IDKK, WE DK HOW HE LAUNCHED EITHER

[silver sierra]

Bro this cut on my neck is pissing me off

Drama unfolding in lounge

[silent blaze]

Oh 👀

[silver sierra]

It was fun

But didnt last

[silent blaze]

I KNOWUHHH i was genuinely invested a little bit

[silent blaze]

Not my job scheduling me like 3 days a week?!

Im gonna have to get a job in the mornings or something because how dafuq am I gonna pay bills

Well not really bills but like I have to pay for everything

[silver sierra]

today i had a big test

but i finished 51 minutes early

so i stared at a timer for 51 minutes

grueling

[silent blaze]

Easy nap time

It feels like everyone is doing hella testing rn

Meanwhile I graduate in a week

my mr krabs and donald dump mii’s fell in love

[silent blaze]

Accidentally got a big ass thing of regular coffee and didn’t realize till I drank half of it

So uh… lets pray I don’t have a panic attack.

I already feel it, i’m gonna try and just go to sleep as soon as possible

[silent blaze]

So obsessed with the Kurt Cobain I told someone that if I knew 100% that i’d be able to see him in the afterlife, i’d kill myself asap

That’s embarrassing

it’s not like im in love with him because that couldn’t be farther from the truth

I don’t know, whenever I was sick i’d think of him. I remember I volunteered at the library and every single day i’d walk around the library and find all the books that had him in it. It read them, i’ve watched everything I could on him, I thought this would be something that’d go away but it hasn’t.

When I first got admitted to the psych ward all I did was think about him, there isn’t a day I don’t think about him.

Before I even came to be obsessed with him, I legit had a feeling i’d never recover if I researched his life. I avoided it because I was already mentally fucked so I didn’t want to screw myself over. Somehow it happened anyways and I became interested in his life. It was very very weird because the things he’d say and do sounded so much like me.

I think after I wrote an essay on him, I realized how much I really loved him for who he was. I remember finishing the essay after working on it for about a week (i never work on anything with that much effort), I sat there and I cried and cried

[silent blaze]

Most embarrassing thing i’ve ever written but it is true

broo mr krabs and donald dump got married bro

[silver sierra]

You ever feel super tired for no reason

and get less sleep

because of it for some reason

[silent blaze]

Absolutely

[silver sierra]

Honestly i feel like im going on a downfall

Really

[silent blaze]

Wait what’s wrong??

[silent blaze]

You know i’m always here for you so whatever it is you can say it if you’re comfortable

[silver sierra]

ive just been super fatigued whenever im by mysel

i feel like i can only feel some sort of energy or good emotion if i talk to people, and even then it doesnt feel the same

ive also been turning down stuff more than usual and I just feel super guilty

[silent blaze]

That’s you preserving your mental health though. Going out when you’re already feeling mentally unwell can make it worse. I’d talk with your therapist as soon as possible.

I’d look into getting your hands on magnesium, or talking with your therapist about it. The only thing that helped me be able to function and not sleep my ass off all day was taking magnesium. Don’t take it too often though.

[silver sierra]

nah its not that serious

at least from my pov

[silent blaze]

What’s gonna happen when it becomes serious.

I’m serious, be open about what you’re feeling

[silver sierra]

well my feel is that like its not that serious

its just like constant, like dysthymia

ive been listening to music and it helps a whole lot

[silent blaze]

U don’t take antidepressants?

[silver sierra]

no

[silent blaze]

Hm

[silver sierra]

i wasnt diagnosed with depression

according with my therapist i have like this constant mild depression

honestly there is a good reason

i had those days where i decided to fuck up my sleep schedule

[silent blaze]

It’s make ur life significantly easier to be on antidepressants, nothing you can do if you aren’t diagnosed tho

[silver sierra]

and waste my energy

so now im super tired from that

[silver sierra]

honestly i hate the idea of taking them

long term use can cause brain injury

[silent blaze]

Welp damn i’m fried

[silver sierra]

like anti psychotics as well

anything that has anti in the name and is used for mental health can cause long term damage

[silver sierra]

honestly i used to take passion flower because i had anxiety problems

it helped a lot

so it made me realize

this isnt that serious, and its manageable, its just really cause at this age its hard to

[silent blaze]

Idk the chance of getting brain damage doesn’t matter to me because if I don’t take my antidepressants i’ll legit kill myself

[silver sierra]

dont anti depressants make it more likely for you to become manic?

[silent blaze]

Probably. I’ve been on these antidepressants since I was 7 so I’m very used to them

[silver sierra]

no its like scientifically proven

because they slowly make ur brain more alert, and i think anything like that since there is a chemical imbalance can trigger mania

[silent blaze]

Welp I guess i’ll have to make sacrifices in order to be alive

[silver sierra]

it can be really bad

because they might be the reason you go psychotic and have terrible episodes

[silver sierra]

i agree

i mean if you are able to live with it, and you can manage it, you do your own

honestly i just hate myself for fucking myself up and setting me to this

[silent blaze]

i don’t believe it’s that. I’ve dealt with bipolar and everything while taking these meds most of my life. It was the constant drug use and alcohol that made me start having psychosis

[silver sierra]

it was just reckless to overwork my body

and expect myself to be fine

[silver sierra]

i mean yeah most likely as well

i hate when i do something reckless and im not able to deal with consequences 😔

ive literally had decent sleep

and still feel tired

[silent blaze]

Dude everyone does stuff like that. This experience might help you be more in tune with your body.

[silver sierra]

i agree

[silent blaze]

You’ll be able to recover so don’t be upset

[silver sierra]

its that

but i have this deep feeling i wont

like even if i tell myself I will, my body tells me i wont

and nothing can convince it

anyways

how has life been going

[silent blaze]

That’s where i’d say you probably have depression. To me those thoughts seem to be like depression trying to get at you. At least that’s what my therapist said to me

[silver sierra]

well i only have therapy next wednesday

ive been really trying to stay on track with my daily checklist

but i lowk felt bad cause i mentioned it and my therapist moved topics immediately

but one thing they noticed is that I was significantly less interactive than I was last time

[silent blaze]

Keep bringing it up.

[silver sierra]

i will

[silver sierra]

?

[silent blaze]

It’s whatever, I’m never really feeling good so nothing new

[silver sierra]

yeah I feel you 😭

I mean is it as bad the despair you were feeling, or is it more manageable

Because at least that shows some improvement

[silent blaze]

It’s manageable cuz when I feel like total shit I just go to sleep or take my meds

[silver sierra]

fair enough

[silent blaze]

my mother is sick again tho which is not anything new

[silver sierra]

honestly

my mom has just become so ignorant and irritated with everything

i try to tell her because its of her smoking but she always denies

and her behavior just really makes me feel worse

but yeah, having her be sick would also be tough on me either way

[silent blaze]

That’s really difficult, whenever my moms sick or anything I feel bad too

She said she might’ve had a stroke last night but she doesnt wanna go to the doctors because she is one of those people that fixes everything at home

[silver sierra]

honestly i think all of the issues I have are heavily genetic

because my mom was diagnosed with depression

and she looks like shes not fully on it, but its giving the idea

[silver sierra]

thats really dangerous

[silent blaze]

I KNOW in a way I get pissed off cuz why tf would u have kids with all these mental health issues

[silver sierra]

she had depression but actually got better

but shes just like always stressed with everything lately, and just generally looks like an anxious person

i hate the fact that mood disorders are heavily genetic

honestly my family is the one to deny you might have something and instead say it will pass

i mean they will try to help if they see its bad, so they arent the ones to tell you to pray and it will get better

but yeah

[silent blaze]

That must be very difficult for you

[silver sierra]

it kinda builds up

because no matter what you say

its always " oh its not that serious "

it must be difficult however

to have a family where your mom is always sick, denies to get treated, and have brothers that physically and mentally drain you every time ur around them

[silent blaze]

i guess, it’d be horrible if I wasn’t used to it.

[silver sierra]

enduring it does not mean it isnt hard, but i get your idea

anyways, have a good one

[silent blaze]

BYEE HAVE A GOOD DAY OR NIGHTT COME SPEAK TO ME IF UR UPSET

[silver sierra]

you too as well!

did something good happen? lol 😭

[silent blaze]

kinda. I watched videos with my mom and little brother and I feel better.

[silver sierra]

thats great 🙂

[silent blaze]

Bro my stomach is fucked i cant eat anything without having to explode the toilet. Is that tmi?

[silver sierra]

i just ate a big ass tablespoon of nutella

helps me not feel hungry for like 1-2 hours

[silent blaze]

Power boost ngl

I want nutella now

[silver sierra]

honestly it makes me hate and disgust nutella

but then after those 2 hours

i get more

honestly i wonder how many days i went only eating nutella and having a single meal

like genuinely my diet is cooked

its genuinely harder to fix than building a house with no experience or manual

[silent blaze]

Im scared my mother will die while im sleeping

[silent blaze]

Yeah u gotta try and eat better

Or at least drink protein shakes

[silent blaze]

I busted my ass falling down the steps

I feel like the only person who has this sort of BS happening to them everyday

[silent blaze]

I FINALLY FOUND A ROOMMATE FOR COLLEGE

bro i have like 3 months left

[tough sierra]

Hii stranger on the internet , I came across your journal and have been reading a bit .. idk if you are okay with hugs , if you’re sending you a virtual one. The reason I am reply is because this journal entry got to me .. I have 2 siblings 1 brother and 1 sister. I am the youngest. And I am going to be honest when I was younger me and my siblings didn’t have a great relationship, I felt like the only child most of the time. But as time passed and kept on passing I deal with my grief with my brother. He passed in 2022 , I was 22 & our relationship was not the greatest .. he was 32 , didn’t have a great relationship like I’ve stated & till this day I wish I could go back and just give my brother a hug and say I’m sorry. For misunderstanding , for judging him , always looking for something negative in anything he did . He was kick out of the house at 16 , never came back but would visit occasionally , he had moments where he was a hard working man , doing good for him self , down bad , homelessness , addiction. He never came back home , he was either on his own or in the streets. I myself wish I could go back like I said and just give my brother a tight hug and say I’m sorry and I love you one last time. As we get older we start understanding things and seeing things differently, from when I remember honestly always disliking my brother , I felt like I didn’t love him. If you can talk to your brother and slowly build that connection with him slowly and I mean baby steps I say do it. It takes time , give yourself and him some patience. Because well for you you’re the older sibling, you’re always annoyed , picking at them . And tbh that’s what siblings do and it’s normal , but as you get older and that continues the friendship/ relationship with your younger sibling does get better , ( my sister and I still fight like when we were younger and we are older now , but now it’s different it’s playing around and fighting , sibling bonding if you will ) so kinda remember he looks up to you believe it or not. He might now show or ever tell you but deep down he does. I think I have lost plot of my story because I am ranting but I just wanted to share because when I read your journal entry’s I feel like I am getting in touch with my younger self because what you are going thru or have been thru. It’s relatable . I see my younger self in you. But anyways maybe you see this maybe not but thank you for reading 📖

[silent blaze]

For a while I was the youngest child until my 2 younger siblings were born. I used to be so angry at my older brothers for putting me through the shit that they did. There was a period of time my mother had to be rehabilitated and she split my siblings up with family, but I was the only one who stayed with her because of my age. I didn’t realize until I grew up just how hurt they were, so they took it out on me. They really suffered mentally when we were kids, they just never cared to acknowledge my suffering because it didn’t matter to them. I do have a good relationship with them now, it’s just I’m still very hurt by them. To this day they belittle me, I’ve just become someone who watches what I say in order to not offend them. I’m also ranting but I enjoyed reading what you typed as a lot of the time nobody understands me. They say “all siblings do that” but they don’t.

[tough sierra]

I’m glad you created a journal to let it all out and just vent. How many older siblings do you have ? , if you don’t mind me asking and it’s okay you don’t have to answer if this triggers you in any way. Did they keep you close to mom when she went to rehabilitation because you were still under 18 ? Or did they keep you with family ? Or foster care ?. I’m glad you realize that they were hurt just like you. But I’m sorry you didn’t get acknowledged for what you went thru I am sure that was tough ! , are your older siblings the ones that belittle you ? , this makes me sad because I also relate to that and I understand. I’ve been in therapy since I was 12 … that’s 13 years and boiiii I’m still hurt by the stuff my siblings have done to be but that’s because I have stuff I need to work on myself and be willing to forgive but it’s easier said than done. I am working on it & im glad I’m in therapy still , but honestly things only get better when you’re willing to face what you’re going thru. And only you know what you’re going thru so that’s why I think it’s good that you created this journal 🙂
Everyone’s relationship with their siblings is different , some have great relationships some have shitty ones but don’t dismiss yourself bec others have it worse or “ all siblings do that “ . Your hurt / feeling are valid.

[silent blaze]

Sorry I fell asleep but I have 3 older siblings 2 younger. My mom went to rehab and I was like probably around 3-5 during that time and I was help with her in the hospital. My other siblings were sent to family and they saw it as I was the only child being cared for. My mother put me in therapy at age 6-12 because of that but It honestly didn’t work, I just got hooked up on meds now that I can’t come off of.

I don’t know if I’m willing to forgive them or if I really can.

[silent blaze]

When my mother tried to take her life they all blamed it basically on me

Ykw I hated them the most for the assumptions they’ve tormented me with. Why do I have to be the bigger person and acknowledge their hardships meanwhile I was the one who had the build my mother up from the ground.

I remember my mom would have episodes of just hysterical crying and she’d threaten my stepdad, I’d walk into her room and just hold her because that was all I could do.

I was the one who had nobody but myself, they always had each other meanwhile here I am. And I fucking hate my 2nd oldest brother the most, I won’t even tell you what he did to me but I think i’ve said it here before. Yet i’m the one left to suffer. I have never once heard an apology from him.

i hate thinking about how my mother must have felt when she attempted. If only I had been older, if only my father wasn’t abusive, if only my grandparents cared about her. So no matter how bad it was for me, i’ll never blame my mother for anything. In reality we’re the only people we have.

[silver sierra]

Honestly

You will see what happens once u go to college

If this is how I think it is

Watch them beg you to dropout or come home or something

And act all nice

[silent blaze]

Loll they don’t even want me to go, but my mother adamantly pushes me to go. Notice how my mom is the only person who cares about me.

[silver sierra]

Because she knows the effort you took to help her

So she is doing it back

I see how they appreciate you

Not only care

[silent blaze]

We were talking a little bit ago about how whenever someone says something bad about her (my family strongly dislikes my mom because she doesn’t “fit in”) I always snap back. She told me i’m the only one who sticks up for her.

[silver sierra]

That is great

You have to show that you respect her, the same way she does with you

Look I know damn well u have the worry " what if she dies? "

Well then, let it stand that until she died, she cared and wanted u to succeed, so u got this twin

[silent blaze]

I do. I’m scared every day

[silver sierra]

Knowing someone believed in me at my lowest until the day they died would definitely help me achieve my dreams, and I believe it would also help you, considering its your mom

[silent blaze]

She’s even told me that she doesn’t fear death at all, and sometimes she wants to die because she’s always researched our existence and everything.

[silver sierra]

Once ur close to death you don't fear it anymore

Because you already know how its gonna be like

Its the same pattern with other things

[silent blaze]

Absolutely. I will be a strong person solely because of her

[silver sierra]

I can assure you you will feel guilt and terribly depressed

But dont let that stop you from focusing on this concept, well not really a concept, but this truth

Because depression makes you imagine scenarios or gives you certain delusions about reality

[silent blaze]

In truth i’m so so scared to lose her, it’s like no other feeling.

[silver sierra]

we all are

you will never not be scared

but you will always know that you will push through

even when it happens

[silent blaze]

Hopefully in college i’ll learn how to be away from her, so maybe when she dies it won’t be so difficult like seeing places she slept and stuff

[silver sierra]

honestly these past 2 weeks ive been truly getting more depressed

but what keeps me going is knowing that I can make it

And that I have people who believe or believed in me

[silent blaze]

You will. We both will be alright

[silver sierra]

It will definitely be stressful at the start

But you will get the hang of it

[silver sierra]

honestly ive only come to this realization lately

because like depression genuinely makes u believe ur not depressed, same as for mania

you dont realize you are

for you its normal

its life

(i will say depression its easier to convince yourself because in the end these states are very different)

[silent blaze]

You are super right. I don’t even know how to distinguish regular life and depressed life

[silver sierra]

depression literally is mania but with opposite symptoms

not really

but really

[silent blaze]

Actually before I smoked pot I was at the best i’ve ever been emotionally, I was dumb but I was happy

[silver sierra]

honestly letting depression not become a big part of your life is the best way to not be depressed, but thats really hard because it tries its best to push itself onto you

[silent blaze]

Honestly this sounds bad but my episodes have shown me things about the world I was ignorant about before.

[silver sierra]

depression feels like a delusion

because the same time you know things will be alright

you have that very very strong feeling it wont

and the best thing ever could happen, and you still feel that way

[silent blaze]

i have to try fighting it

[silver sierra]

yeah

today i decided to drink coffee because i genuinely couldnt mentally handle it

coffee really makes my mood way better, even though i cant stop moving now

[silent blaze]

I thought coffee made u panic?

[silver sierra]

but at night it makes me panicky

because my body doesnt understand that its sleep time

[silver sierra]

it does if i dont keep myself busy

[silent blaze]

Ohhh that makes sense

[silver sierra]

i was cooking

and genuinely i almost flipped the pan over because i was going crazy

i couldnt wait 2 minutes to flip the beef over

[silent blaze]

U don’t usually feel hyper like that?

[silver sierra]

I also constantly try to interrupt people now

[silver sierra]

only when i drink coffee

[silent blaze]

Hm

[silver sierra]

coffee completely alters my mood

[silent blaze]

I remember we talked about adhd but like do you ever get mood swings?

[silver sierra]

but the other day i either go back to baseline or stay like this for a bit

[silver sierra]

with depression its hard

because your mood swings feel fake

but yeah i do

at least normal

my mood swings rarely stay consistent for more than a day

[silent blaze]

Oh yeah same

[silver sierra]

its like hard to say they are consistent

because like yeah i do have a baseline mood for a day

but i have mood reactivity

so like i could be deeply depressed, drink some soda, and become a completely different person for like 10 mins

then come back

coffee is like that

it just lasts longer

i remember drinking a 300mg energy drink on a florida trip i went and only getting 5 hours of sleep but feeling fully energized because caffeine takes super long to wear off

really helped me get through

[silent blaze]

Do you ever feel mood swings without like coffee or energy drinks?

[silver sierra]

no not in a bipolar way

at least i never notice

actually depression can come with activation

like you can have a whole day with lots of energy, then come back

[silent blaze]

Oh hm

[silver sierra]

i could like write you an essay

on mood disorders

especially PDD

because its like what my pattern usually fits

since its like chronic mild depression which sometimes intensifies or loosens

[silent blaze]

If you wanna i’d definitely read it because im curious

Only if you have time

[silver sierra]

PDD is like cyclothymia but for depression

[silver sierra]

honestly I do

today i also slept 11 hours

[silent blaze]

Oh dang that’s more than what u usually get

[silver sierra]

way more

usually when i get that much sleep thats when from my research is when i get activated like this

ok

ima write it

honestly i should have this type of motivation to do algebra, but thats a talk for another time

[silent blaze]

Okie i’m excited

I hate researching but when someone else sends me like stuff i’ll read it all studious and stuff

[silver sierra]

already got 4 paragraphs done

" It is widely known that certain antidepressants like Lexapro can cause brain injury, but the big pharma won’t tell us this. "

lmaoo

[silent blaze]

THE BIG PHARMA

https://tenor.com/view/shrek-smirk-gif-3783069863447349174

[silver sierra]

bro

I write so much in the paragraphs

watch me in 30 mins being absolutely exhausted

[silent blaze]

U got this

[silver sierra]

okay

im done

i mean i could write more, but im bored already

https://docs.google.com/document/d/17XPr9tPfz3xbuUnjn3-2OQ_zMYfYfsdgHiyghM_3VWQ/edit?usp=sharing

this essay feels more like a rant than an essay

[silent blaze]

IM
READING

Oh shit my doctor was talking to me about premenstrual dysphoric disorder

I doubt I have that but I take 15+ mg of venlafaxine during those days because I get really depressed then

Jesus I cant do shit without meds

You type just like me. You use a lot of commas

I wish people would do that more its so much easier

[silver sierra]

or dots

i also use ; whenever i feel a comma isnt needed or when i see i overuse it

(i have no idea when ; is used)

[silent blaze]

Uh me either maybe I should know that

[silent blaze]

I really liked ur essay. It was way easier to read other than just straight information, I like how it feels human

[silver sierra]

its like a rant

i honestly loved reading it myself

obviously

thats why im telling you

coffee really makes me different

i remember drink a redbull once and like building a whole christmas tree and organizing all the presents on christmas

anyways ill leave you alone

[silent blaze]

Goodnight

[silver sierra]

goodnight!!, well its 10:30

but i have to wake up at like 5:45 AM cause i gotta run

[silent blaze]

Do you feel like you can’t type to me sometimes?

Just curious

[silver sierra]

Yeah

Sometimes I let the convo go

[silent blaze]

How so? Is it because I talk about myself too much??

[silver sierra]

Opposite

I talk abt myself too much

[silent blaze]

WHATT

I feel like you don’t talk about yourself enough 😧

[silver sierra]

Same for u

How are we so self conscious in the same way

[silent blaze]

I’m not sure hm, you surely can talk to me about anything though cuz i’m pretty much always there. Pretty boring life

I read your journal, I actually always do

[silver sierra]

I see

The reactions etc

Honestly it means a lot even if its online

[silver sierra]

My life is interesting

Its borderline boring

[silent blaze]

I hoped you’d see them I just get nervous typing in others journals

[silent blaze]

Interesting life that’s borderline boring

[silver sierra]

Feels like invading personal space right?

[silver sierra]

By that I mean its like always ups and downs but suddenly so boring

[silent blaze]

KINDA?! Like it seemed like such a big rule not to type in others journals but I always loved when others would type to me

[silver sierra]

I cant sleep

I will die in that race with 4 hours of sleep

[silent blaze]

uh same, whenever I say I’m going to sleep I never do.

[silver sierra]

I have a kanye west and tyler the creator earworm and i love it

Its like sugar on my tongue in repeat

[silent blaze]

BRUU I LOVE TYLER

[silver sierra]

Sugar on my tongue sounds good for some reason

Prob because of the repetition

Cause the lyrics and beat are buns

See you again, like him, and sugar on my tongue are the only ones I listen to from him

So i have zero ball knowledge

[silent blaze]

Igor top 10 album oat

[silver sierra]

Flowerboy is top 3 easy

Oh you mean oat

[silent blaze]

BRU IGOR IS BETTER

[silver sierra]

Graduation is top 5 albums oat

Igor prob like top 20??

[silent blaze]

https://tenor.com/view/slap-table-green-alien-cat-angry-gif-15749651503962641516

[silver sierra]

Chromatopia or whatever its called is easily top 15 tho

Top 1 album oat?

[silent blaze]

Over igor?? Im crying

[silver sierra]

At least in the 2010s id say DAMN. by kendrick or my dark twisted fantasy by Kanye

Both are amazing

Flowerboy is more of a normal pop

Igor is its own genre

For some reason I love this guy who plays country

I hate country music but i love his country music

[silent blaze]

Hmm my top 3 is prob Currents, Live through this, then in utero

[silent blaze]

Which guy

[silver sierra]

Top 1 Graduation, Top 2 DAMN. Top 3. My Dark Twisted Fantasy Top 4. RENO Top 5. Flowerboy

[silver sierra]

Red leather

He talks about his coke addiction and spiritual life, he released his second ever album this year

Which is TAHOE

[silent blaze]

Sounds like what my friends list looks like. He loves kanyeee

[silver sierra]

But I like RENO more (first album)

[silver sierra]

Top 6. Late Registration and 7 is College Dropout

8 is Follow Jesus 9 is BULLY and 10 is Watch the Throne

[silent blaze]

Ohhh i was wondering what album that is

U sure do love kanye

[silver sierra]

Yeah

[silent blaze]

Do u listen to MF DOOM

[silver sierra]

Ykw

Follow Jesus is top 11

Top 8 is gnx by kendrick

[silver sierra]

Nah

Heard of him so much but have no idea who tf that is

[silent blaze]

Honestly he is one of my favorites simply because he is so silly. I’ve never heard someone rap like him either, and his beats are so weird sometimes I love it

SILLYY

[silver sierra]

I cant listen to him rn bc im not even supposed to be here

[silent blaze]

U should sleep

[silver sierra]

Almost got caught

So uh

Spent almost 20 mins daydreaming and being restless in bed

My eyes cant stay shut for more than a few seconds

Its like a drive to stay awake and tbh I do want to

But that will take a heavy toll on me tmr

[silver sierra]

How u doing?

[silent blaze]

Annoyed with my mom but it’s whatever

She makes stuff difficult sometimes, we’re never on time because she takes a bajillion years

[silver sierra]

well its mother's day

so i would give her a break, but I get it

does she also have ADHD? would explain a lot lol.

[silent blaze]

Yeahh I know that’s why i’m fine

[silver sierra]

honestly

[silent blaze]

She’s autistic

[silver sierra]

today i broke my unofficial and official records for a 5k

also i dont know how it didnt affect me

but i unknowingly took about 400mg of caffeine

after the 5k

[silent blaze]

YAYY CONGRATS I KNEW IT

[silver sierra]

ty!!

honestly ive been feeling so weird but cant tell whats wrong

today i literally spent about 20 minutes having a conversation with my intrusive thoughts, I know it sounds weird

[silent blaze]

It would sound weird if I didn’t do the same thing

[silver sierra]

😭

its so weird because at the same time u can control the thoughts

you cant get rid of them

[silent blaze]

Yeah I have no will to stop talking in my head. some people don’t even have inner monologue, I love talking to myself

[silver sierra]

honestly i decided to just not give a damn and consume as much caffeine as I want throughout the day because atp it doesnt make a difference

genuinely still impressed i managed to take 400mg of caffeine without having a medical emergency

[silent blaze]

Don’t make it a habit because then it will become one

[silver sierra]

inner monologues are all different in how they present themselves

[silver sierra]

ok so now

u just reminded me I have money to buy like 3 red bulls

[silent blaze]

YUCK go buy a monster

[silver sierra]

last time I wasnt able to because there was a guy cleaning

the fridge in the store

[silver sierra]

monster is for weaklings

red bull is the real shit

[silent blaze]

Ur right. Celcius is for sigmas

[silver sierra]

oh yeah so how i got that

there was like a celsius powder i was given after the race

then water

so i put the powder in then drank the water

then my uncle decided to not drink his, so i drank it\

then he said about each packet had 200mg of caffeine in each

and I was like whaat

then i remembered it was celsius so its obvious

probably why I sat down for a maximum of 10 minutes at the bbq I went to today

[silent blaze]

BBQ YUMMMM

broo im heading to a cookout rn

[silver sierra]

it was mid i wasnt hungry

caffeine makes me feel not a tiny itty bitty hungry

but give me something sugary and ill down it

[silent blaze]

U like sugary stuff a lot?

[silver sierra]

only when i have caffeine

or when im high energy as a whole

gosh i hate that i have a nerdy explanation for everything

[silent blaze]

why would u hate that ? I hate not ever being able to explain anything because I’m thinking so much

[silver sierra]

its because when ur brain is activated

dopamine makes u seek activating things

and sugary things are like our biological thing

to search for first

honestly it makes me wonder if i always have racing thoughts

because nothing ever makes me thoughts feel faster

its kinda weird?

[silent blaze]

You might just not notice it

[silver sierra]

yeeah

its just so hard to know when ur naturally having more racing thoughts

because it feels normal

my friends always tell me I yap for the whole 50 minutes of class

i think its because i am sleep deprived

because its like my thoughts jump from one view to the other about everything

[silent blaze]

Idk how to explain it, my head always has underlying like muttering or gibberish. Then like my actual thoughts on top of it

[silver sierra]

thats usually how it goes

you have like 6,000 thoughts every day

i think

it depends on the person

and if you took anything that makes thoughts race or they naturally race for you it can triple, double or even more

[silent blaze]

Tons of people don’t have that though.

[silver sierra]

its weird because i cant imagine having no thoughts

its like trying to breathe without any holes to

[silent blaze]

THIS! I don’t know how to

I’d be so fucking boring without my thoughts

[silver sierra]

honestly having my airpods on help me not have racing thoughts because my thoughts move in sync with the rhythym of the song

[silent blaze]

That’s why i’ve listened to music everyday pretty much my entire life

[silver sierra]

it feels like extremely hard

to not constantly type here

[silent blaze]

You’ll never see me on here not listening to music

[silver sierra]

same

unless im offline

[silent blaze]

Wdymmm

[silver sierra]

because i dont want to interrupt your typing

gosh ive been interrupting everyone today and its really hard not to

[silent blaze]

I don’t even care I promise.

[silver sierra]

honestly they interrupt me but it looks like im the one doing it

[silent blaze]

Shit same, I don’t even care when people do that though. I don’t really care about anything.

[silver sierra]

honestly

yeah definitely

i should doze off on caffeine

im worried of overdosing on it, though it would be a good idea to skip school

but I hate IVs

[silent blaze]

You should. You’ll hate it when ur body depends on it

The headaches freaking suck

[silver sierra]

ive had my body depend on it

thats why i started therapy

i suffered extreme anxiety after i went cold turkey on caffeine

[silent blaze]

Oh

[silent blaze]

I know it fucking sucks

[silver sierra]

it does

its so weird though

caffeine helps me not be depressed

[silent blaze]

You might need to start taking medication

I feel like it’s very difficult to determine whether it’s depression making you feel bad, or anxiety.

[silver sierra]

99% of the case its both

just saying

like ive never seen someone who had a MDD diagnosis but didnt have a GAD

[silent blaze]

i’m not sure, a lot of the time it’s more anxiety based

[silver sierra]

vice versa

[silver sierra]

its prob because caffeine keeps me stimulated

so like i dont feel bored ever

[silent blaze]

Oh probably.

[silver sierra]

imo depression is like a lack of stimulation or you cant feel stimulated

the thing is

back to what i said

its like my thoughts jump between a normal thought then a depressive one

its like there is two POVs for everything

[silent blaze]

I’m not sure because a lot of the time when people are depressed they want to lay down and do nothing, they don’t look for stimulating activities or things. I’d say in my opinion that ties more into anxiety.

[silver sierra]

anxiety is overstimulation

[silent blaze]

When i’m not stimulated or doing something I tend to overthink and get very anxious

[silver sierra]

your brain may constantly be stimulated, and doing stimulating activities might help balance that? IDK

but sometimes like rn

im super energized and amped up, but still depressive

even though not as low as I was

[silent blaze]

It might be. I really have to see a therapist.

[silent blaze]

Do you feel like it is fake happiness ?

[silver sierra]

definitely

[silent blaze]

And the thoughts of how it won’t last?

[silver sierra]

i have this bracelet that i constantly keep touching

and its pissing me off that im doing that

[silver sierra]

yeah

holy shit that is very much accurate

[silver sierra]

ok i found the word. I keep stimming with the thing

[silent blaze]

See that’s where i’d say anxiety outweighs depression a shit ton of the time. I really dislike going out and being happy because majority of the time I’m overthinking how it won’t last and i’ll be depressed later

That’s me being anxious

[silver sierra]

idk

it doesnt feel like anxiety though

like i dont overthink stuff

nor do i ruminate on shit

its just like a lot of energy that creates this fake sense of happiness

i would have to talk with my therapist, it might be that

[silent blaze]

That’s why it’s difficult for others to determine if it’s depression and anxiety a lot of the time. I spoke with a therapist about that when I was really struggling and when they said that, all of a sudden it made sense

[silver sierra]

yeah