Abyss' Journal | Huddle | Page 8

keen marten Feb 26, 2026, 12:14 PM

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now its a new guy

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but its a guy and idk how i feel about that

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but lowkey i think it was abundantly clear that i was defo sh'ing

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like she knew and i knew, like we totally both knew but aint no way was I about to say it

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and im pretty sure my teacher was getting the vibes
like shes not stupid it was pretty clear what I wasnt saying

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rah i cant believe i practically admited to cutting right in front of one of my fave teachers

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that was NOT on my 2026 bingo card at all

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after that the nurse was finishing up

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and i was just like

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can i chat with my teacher now

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and she was just liek ofc

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and left

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and rahh i love my teacher shes so sweet

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she was like

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im proud of you for doing this

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i was still highkey processing

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but i actually really appreciated it

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anws yeah she said it liek 2 or 3 times

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she so great

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and yeah after that

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she just sat with me for the rest of lunch

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and just helped me regulate

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and just talked to me about my silly hobby

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and she helped me just like plan how to go about my studies

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and just like just reasuring me that thinsg would be okay

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so inshort shes great

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and then i got to skip some class yayy

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jk i actually hate skipping class

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in short im still heavily disregulated

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and im just so confused now

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andddd i havent done my chemisty

keen marten Feb 27, 2026, 7:04 AM

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i thkught i was feeling bette r

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but i just didnt stop

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and ended up sh’ing again

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i have no idea whats wronf with me

keen marten Feb 27, 2026, 10:38 AM

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i havent sat at my desk to study in weeks

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its a mess

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my depression room is a mess

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im a mess

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i need to get back on track

keen marten Feb 27, 2026, 9:54 PM

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i cant stop ruminating about the discussion

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i keep replaying the parts abt sh

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and im so anxious like its through the roof i feel it in my whole body

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but i am going out with my friends today

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i think I need it

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i hope it helps

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but obvs its not about me today

keen marten Mar 1, 2026, 1:14 PM

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im losing it

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eco essay + booklet + eng para are due tmr

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havent even started

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idk what im doing anymore

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and i sh'd

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im going crazy

keen marten Mar 3, 2026, 6:59 AM

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welp ig its official im getting booked in for counselling

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im so stressed about this

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i lwokey wanna pull out

keen marten Mar 8, 2026, 2:20 PM

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keen marten welp ig its official im getting booked in for counselling

i will need to adress this at somepoint

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but right now

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i feel like im losing my mind

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i feel like ive been in crisis mode for weeks and weeks and weeks

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and honestly

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i dont know how much longer i can hold on

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i feel like im starting to lose thie battle

keen marten Mar 22, 2026, 1:24 PM

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i just want to be okay

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this has been one of the longest episodes ever

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like it ebbed and flowed but never totally went away before getting worse again

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i havent felt like myself in so long

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im losing my mind

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and dont want to live like this

keen marten Mar 29, 2026, 2:06 PM

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i thought it was getting slightly better and ive suddenly been hit so hard

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i cant cope

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im having terrible sh urges

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and passive but bad thoughts

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theyre so louf

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everything in my head is so loud

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and everything is so heavy

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i dont know how to keep going anymore

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i just cant

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just existing feels so hard now

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i dont know what to do anymore

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i just need to get through tonight

keen marten Mar 30, 2026, 1:18 PM

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the thoughts are too loud and I want to listen to them

keen marten Mar 30, 2026, 2:29 PM

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the world would be better without me

keen marten Mar 31, 2026, 1:01 AM

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I dont know why I feel so bad

keen marten Mar 31, 2026, 2:59 AM

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but what if im really adding nothing to this world

keen marten Mar 31, 2026, 5:56 AM

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im not okay

keen marten Apr 8, 2026, 3:03 PM

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i don’t even want to be pretty

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i just want to be not ugly

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and not fat

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im starting to think im the problem

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because ive seen 3 professionals now

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and ive either hated or felt deeply uncomfortable with all 3

keen marten Apr 14, 2026, 7:42 AM

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im doing an intake tmr and im so nervous ahh

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hopefully it'll go well

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because im really banking on this

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liek all my eggs are in this nest

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and id rather this works out than going back to the school counsellor

keen marten Apr 21, 2026, 2:31 PM

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ahh i never updated

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but it went well

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like genuiwnly it was so good to have someone take me seriously

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i finally felt seen

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anws school is starting again tmr

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i really domt wanan go back

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but dropping aome subjects should help

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but i feel so tired and have no desire or motivation to do anything

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i want to be able to

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but i stupir cant

keen marten Apr 22, 2026, 8:31 AM

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welp i was gonna stop with the internal stuff

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majnly bc i didnt like the guyb

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but my sso said it would be good to still talk to someone

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sooo i asked to switch iver to a female one

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so i hope she’ll click better with me

keen marten Apr 22, 2026, 9:29 AM

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i dont feel too good rn :(

keen marten May 3, 2026, 9:05 AM

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okay so im gonna talk to the new school counsellor tmrrr

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i hope she'll be nice

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because i am lowkey gonna crash out if i have to deal with one more bad mh professional

keen marten May 3, 2026, 3:28 PM

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i feel the tears

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i just want to be pretty

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the other thing

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i looked back at old messages and jounal etc

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and i realise

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things were way worse back then

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im so upset at how i was treated in relation to my mental health

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im upset at how my parebts react

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how the counsellor treated me

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and just the system as a whole

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i hate that 14 year old me had to go through that

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and that i sucked it up becauee i didnt know any better

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im so angry

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but yeah feelinsg really really fat and ugly

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i just want to be pretty

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and i hate myself

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everything about myself

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i hate it

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and i just relapsed and i want to go again

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im just so sick of being me

keen marten May 5, 2026, 3:01 PM

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i cant do this

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i dont feel right

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incant tell anymore if im just being lazy or im actually sick

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im so confused all the time now

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i feel like i havent let myself have good days or like take advantage of good days

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not simce i started getting help

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maybe i feel like i need to prove how bad i am

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idk

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im lost

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and sh has been on my mind so much

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like a lot

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its like i wake up

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and the urges are there

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i am losing it

keen marten May 11, 2026, 6:53 AM

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i feel so down today

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ugh i feel down all the time

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but i have a doc apt tmr

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so hopefully that’ll give so answers

keen marten May 14, 2026, 10:56 AM

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guess who got told they have very severe depressionn woo hooo

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ngl im just glad to finally have an official diagnosis and actually be valid

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and now i gotta get tests to see if i can get meds

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rahh

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anws

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lowkey being hit pretty hard rnn

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idk if if hormones making it worse

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idk

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but dang

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i feel so bad rn

keen marten May 15, 2026, 2:03 PM

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i feel so off rn

keen marten May 18, 2026, 3:04 PM

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i’m so confused and don’t know how to feel anymore

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i feel like my urges and suicidal thoughts have been on my mind so much recently

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i feel so guilty for what i’m doing to my family

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i feel like im not even living anyone

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i don’t feel like im even fully present

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in not coping well

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i just can’t do this anymore

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i simultaneously feel so sick and like such a faker

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i feel like i haven’t gotten sick enough yet

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i haven’t gotten to the stage where i cut into i leave permanent scars

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i haven’t attempted

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i haven’t had a full on crying mental breakdown

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im not living

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im a ghost of the person the world thinks i am

keen marten May 20, 2026, 2:05 PM

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i feel so bad rn

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i cant cope

keen marten May 22, 2026, 11:11 AM

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i dont understand why i feel so bad

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my head feels so heavy

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nothing bad happened

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i just feel

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so

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terrible

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and i dont know why

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and its reallt frustrating

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that i havent been able to talk to anyone in week s

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sigh

keen marten May 29, 2026, 3:16 PM

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i relapsed the worst ive relapsed in years

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not by depth ig

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but by volume

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idk why i got so triggered

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msb just had no patience today which was hella unsual ans not liek last time so its left me feeling very confused

keen marten May 30, 2026, 3:06 PM

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im drowning and losing my mind

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i feel so bad and weird and wrong

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i feel like suicide has been on my mind so much recently

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its probably not great

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but atp

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idk

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i shouldnt go there

#Abyss' Journal