Abyss' Journal | Huddle | Page 7

keen marten Mar 20, 2025, 1:24 PM

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I HATE WHO I AM

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I HATE WHAT I DO

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I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH

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IM SO SORRY YOUNGER ME

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I RUINED EVERYTHING

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I WISH I WAS BETTER

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i wish i was someone i could be proud off

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i wish i was better

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i wish i didnt waste so much time

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i wish i had the ambition and drive to be more

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now im just a failure

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a piece of garbage

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i want to start this term over

keen marten Mar 20, 2025, 1:45 PM

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i hate myself so much

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i cant sleep now

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its like poison

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in my head

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twisting ugly and black in side of me

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i cant cope

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i want to cry but how?

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i wish i could cry

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im so jealous of people who can cry easily

keen marten Mar 20, 2025, 2:12 PM

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i can’t cope

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i seriously cannot cope right now

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i need to sleep it off

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otherwise i’m gonna do something i might regret

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i need to just sleep

keen marten Mar 20, 2025, 9:23 PM

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i still feel so awful i cant do this

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if i can get thru today without breaking down or cutting i think ive survived lol

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i hate this feeling

keen marten Mar 21, 2025, 8:34 AM

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i cant i cant i cant i cant

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i just cant anymore

keen marten Mar 21, 2025, 9:47 PM

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i can’t wake up feeling like this several mornings in a row

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i hope this isn’t anything

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please don’t spiral right before exams

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i really can’t afford to fall

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i really can’t

keen marten Mar 22, 2025, 1:31 PM

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I feel like this year started okay?

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I’m scared tho

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The past few weeks have not been looking good

keen marten Mar 23, 2025, 9:21 PM

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im so scared

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i cant fail this test

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im so scared for this week

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i wasted sundayb

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i feel like im going crazy

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i can sit in the library on my own for hours, no wifi, no social media, no messages and im still not able to get anythiny done

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whats wrong with me??

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I HATE MYSELF

keen marten Apr 7, 2025, 8:37 AM

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i didnt fail my maths and economics tests!!!

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36/40 for maths and 39/40 for economics

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i know i could've done better but honestly i couldve done so much worse

keen marten Apr 11, 2025, 8:58 AM

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term 1 donee

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why am i so sad rnnn

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whyyyyy

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like just in generaly my head feels funny

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no reason

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i hope teh cloud goes away

keen marten Apr 17, 2025, 2:32 PM

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late night maths just hits different

keen marten Apr 20, 2025, 3:11 PM

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i can’t sleeeepppp

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so much for trying to work on myself and be healthy

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is been over an hour

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what am i doing wrong

keen marten Apr 30, 2025, 2:45 PM

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phew i thought this disappeared

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i need to sleep but i need to vent ahhh

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ig i ahould just be quick and then sleep

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i hate myself for doing so poorly at school

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its not that hard

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and im so stupid

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i cant be a B kid

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i cant

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if i dont have As who am i?

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i cant compete anymroe

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i dont have the energy

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or the spirit

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i just cant

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im not good enough

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im starting to crave the blade again

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im not good enough

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im not good enough

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im not good enough

keen marten May 1, 2025, 7:07 AM

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im going to start crying

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im a horrible person

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im a failure

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i hate myself

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i cant cope right now

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i can never do anything right

keen marten May 1, 2025, 2:40 PM

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i hate that how im feeling isnt even really real or valid

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im sure it will
go away

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and tjen itll happen again

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and rinse and repeat

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i cant

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i want to cry

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im at breaking point

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i cant

keen marten May 2, 2025, 3:35 PM

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i feel so hopeless

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and sad

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i can’t cope

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i can’t take it anymore

keen marten May 2, 2025, 10:32 PM

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i’m scared if this doesn’t go away

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it’s going to be here longer

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i don’t know what to do

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i imagine it will lift right before my exam

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and by then it’ll just be too late

keen marten May 4, 2025, 3:44 AM

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this is one of the worst weeks ive had in a very very long time

keen marten May 4, 2025, 10:00 PM

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UGH istg everytime

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suddenly its like lifted

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and im so confused

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every time

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its just magically goes away and im left wondering what it was and when its coming back

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i hate this

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i CANT

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I CANT DO THISB

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if it was just here i coulr actually do somethimg about it

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but its not

keen marten May 6, 2025, 5:26 AM

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i think my head feels a bit clearer but theres still an underlying sadness there

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im not aure what and where its from

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its just lurking there

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and like my energy and motivation is somewhat back

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and theres no thick blanket on my head

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but its just sad

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undertone of sad

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and i dont know why

keen marten May 8, 2025, 10:46 AM

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:( i want to cry

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i want to cut deeper

keen marten May 8, 2025, 2:35 PM

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i feel like breaking down again

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im not coping

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and i feel sm worse rn bc the stupid cuts didnt do anything and theyre not even slightly deep im gonna cry

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i feel so hopeless

keen marten May 9, 2025, 5:54 AM

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im so confused :((

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my head feels not heavy

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but i feel kinda sad :(

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i was just talking to my teacher and talking abt career choices

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and im just so stressed now

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im so scared to leave high school

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ik its kinda pathetic but im ao scared

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i lowkey just wanna stay here forever

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okay maybe not like forever

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but i dont feel ready

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im so scared

keen marten May 19, 2025, 12:22 PM

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i feel so stressed

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i don’t want to drop ext but i think it’s best that i do

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i wish i didnt say anything to my parents yet

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i kinda wanna take it again next yr

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but tbh if i was ever gonna take it

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this year would be the best

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i just need to scrape everything together for adv

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i just wish i was smarter

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but thats not true

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its because i didnt work hard enough

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but to some degree its like sunk cost fallacy

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i should pull out but i feel like i put so much time and effort in

keen marten May 25, 2025, 12:49 PM

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hi hi

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lowkey feel okay

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i could've been more productive todau but honestly im just happy to have gotten something done

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i know its honestly not good enough

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but yk

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its something

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and im just grateful i feel okay atm

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and im also scared that im going to stop feeling okay

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im really worried abt it

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whenever i slip into an episode its so awful

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the last episode was one of the worst ones that i had had in a very long time

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it was very much approaching a point of not wanting to stick around

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i know now that it's not true

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but it was just so bad in all the fog and grey

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and it was scary how close i was to it

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i dont want to be in the place again

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i was trying so hard to will myself to not do anything stupid and i just got lucky this time

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but honestly i dont if things will be different next time

keen marten May 26, 2025, 1:57 PM

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helpp i cant tell if its just bc its late at night but i can feel myself slipping

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maybe im just tired

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im going to sleep and hope this are okay tmr

keen marten May 27, 2025, 5:39 AM

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i failed ext :((

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its even worse bc i miscounted my marks so i thought i did better than i actually did

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and then i recounted and it was really bad :((

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it woulve been better to just get the bad mark straight away than have held hope

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i hate myself

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why cant i be smarter

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and i hate that i was spiralling and drowning when i took the test

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i just hate that it was under those circumstances

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if id actually studied i mightve actually have gone olay

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UGHH

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i can get mad at past me all i want

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but like nothing will change

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and like i know that at the time i was just feeling so bad

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i genuinely was thinking abt going

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amd its so scary

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and im scared that im feeling close to that way now

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and its so bad and its so stupid and shallow but i cant

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i just dont know anymore

keen marten May 27, 2025, 6:12 AM

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lol im letting this spiral me this is not good

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I HATE MYSELF

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I HATE MYSELF

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I HATE MYSELF

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WHY AM I SO STUPID

keen marten May 27, 2025, 12:12 PM

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im gonna cut i cant hold on and im not feeling better

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maybe it will help

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idk

keen marten May 27, 2025, 10:18 PM

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i somt know how im gonna copw with today

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i domt want to go to school

keen marten May 28, 2025, 11:04 AM

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i suck

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im an awful
useless person who is a waste of space

keen marten May 29, 2025, 11:53 AM

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:(

keen marten Jun 17, 2025, 11:29 AM

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i need to start restricting again

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and do it properly

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im too flipping fat

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and i failed adv even though i genuinely tried so so hard

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two whole weeks i prepared so hard

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and in the heat of the moment i made some split second changes to my answer

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i hate that this time i actually knew the content its so unfair

keen marten Jun 17, 2025, 2:20 PM

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im so sick of these intrusive thoughts and ruminating

keen marten Jun 27, 2025, 7:22 AM

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this has been annoying me a bit

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we have to work on this task as a group to deign and complete something

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and despite me repeating my suggestions several times they keep getting dismissed by my friend and it's really frustrating

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i get that i'm not acing this subject but i still feel like my suggestions should be heard

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the most annoying part is that either this one person will settle back around on an idea that i said first

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ages ago

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or like 'glaze' someone else for saying something i've already said

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its so frustrating

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and im just excited for this whole thing to be over

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and they're getting me really stressed out through their stress

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so im really ready for this to be done

keen marten Jun 29, 2025, 12:36 PM

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ig for anyone reading, i've decided i don't want rlly want replies but I rlly appreciate reaction supports, they mean a lot :)

keen marten Jun 29, 2025, 2:44 PM

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im not doing okay right now

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i feel terrible and i have no clue why

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i need to sleep because I have school tomorrow

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i didnt study for any of my tasks today and the worst thing is i dont even feel bad or guilty

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i just feel really numb and i have no energy and no motivation

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i hate when i feel like this

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and i dont know how im going to cope

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my head feels so bad and heavy right now

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i just want to cry :(

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i want to hurt myself

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i want to talk to someone and they have offered but im not sure whether i should and im not sure how i would even go about it

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i have a week before end of term so if i want to ask now is the time to ask

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i just hate being a bother

keen marten Jun 30, 2025, 5:52 AM

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i got adv task 3 back

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90%

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ordinarily i would be happy

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but im just so upset

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they were stupid marks i lost for no reason

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i feel so dumb

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and i needed this test to rank up

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and its not happening because everyone did well

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i hate myself

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i genuinely tried so hard this time

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and all for nothing

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im so stupid

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i just neeed my ranking to confirm

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but im scared its game over

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and my stomach keeps grumbling

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and in the middle of class its so embarrassing

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i eat breaksfast so its not like i have nothing

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i dont feel hungry but my stomach still growls

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and i didnt get the chance to eat lunch today

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and i have food

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and my body is hungry but i cant bring mysself to eat

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i hate going into a state like this

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i feel like i just woke up feeling extra rubbish today

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and my anxiety was so bad this morning

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there was no obvious or clear reason why

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and i was just sitting there in class trying to breathe and calm myself down and nothing was working

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i hate feeling like this

keen marten Jun 30, 2025, 3:13 PM

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im not coping

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im not coping

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im not coping

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stupid blade didnt do anything

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now i feel worse

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i dont want to do something ill regret

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i cant do this

keen marten Jun 30, 2025, 3:44 PM

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i can’t stop the thoughts

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would people be better off without me?

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im such a terrible person

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i can’t stop my brain

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the thoughts are becoming too much

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i want to cut my arms up

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im a horrible horrible person

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i cant feel anything now other than bad and heavy and numb

keen marten Jul 1, 2025, 1:57 PM

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Im so confused

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Last night feels like a fever dream

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I dont remember much except crying, which never happens for me

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I wish I could cry eaiser, i feel like it would help me release whats stuck inside

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I dont feel great right now by any means but im not at the same point as yesterday

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Im confused now

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Its feels like it wasnt real and I was faking it all

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I cant cope with all these changing feelings

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This is why i can never ask for help

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Even if im drowinf im probably just a fraud

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idk

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i wish i wasnt so stupid and ugly and annoying and useless and fat and dumb

keen marten Jul 1, 2025, 2:30 PM

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i hate myself

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i dont think theres anything i like about myself

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i dont care that much but it sucks that i have no redeeming qualities

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i take back what i said

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i feel the bad creeping in again

keen marten Jul 10, 2025, 1:36 AM

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i thought i was having a few good days and it would be fine

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i feel awful rn

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i thought i was jyst ebifn irritable

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but its back

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:(

keen marten Jul 20, 2025, 1:40 AM

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why do i feel so terrible

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i keep having okay days

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and i feel awful today

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and school is starting again in 2 days

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and ive wasted my whole holidays

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i didnt catch up on everything like i wanted to

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i want to cut

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but i just dont have the energy

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i know i need to care and start doing some school work

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but i just dont care

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and i just feel down and numbed out

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what am i doing

keen marten Jul 21, 2025, 12:04 AM

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i hate feeling this way and i hate myself

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nobody talks about how all consuming self hate is

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its the worst

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and its mot even like u can run awha

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*away

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how can u run away from yourself?

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i juts sit here simmering in it

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i hate myself

keen marten Jul 23, 2025, 10:03 AM

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i talked to one of my teachers today and ik that its not her position nor her responsibility to help but she still sat and talked with me for quite a bit and like obviously one convo cannot change everything drastically but it was nice to just stop holding it in my head

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i think im just so stressed because was in such bad headspace towards the end of last term and i did terribly on all my exams and nownim getting all my marks back and theyre so terrible

keen marten Jul 23, 2025, 3:36 PM

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i can’t sleep and i cant stop replaying convos in my head 😭

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like i can’t sleep because my brain keeps whirling

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and my brain keeping whirling bc im not sleeping

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this is a joke

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oh yeah she said i could think about getting provisions for exams

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idk how i feel abt it tho

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like do i really need them? but on the other hand during the last test i was bridging on a mild anxiety attack

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but also like

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i don’t wanna be judged and yk

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idk

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i feel like i shouldn’t need them

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idk

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idkkkkk

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and i have my stupid legal task tmr

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i feel like i don’t mind the content but it’s genuinely a class i feel iffy about

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like its fine but its not as enjoyable as i thought it would be

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i really am not enjoying it at the moment

keen marten Jul 24, 2025, 2:39 PM

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i feel like i dont know whats real and whats not anymore

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is it all in my head

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idk atp

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i want to cut and i have no idea why

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am i a terrible person?

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i feel like i am

keen marten Jul 26, 2025, 2:19 AM

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im confused and i dont know how i feel im just going to try and do trial papers and distract myself

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i dont want to think about how im freling because i genuinely have no idea

keen marten Jul 26, 2025, 8:52 AM

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i feel so guilty and i know its warranted :(

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im a bad person

keen marten Aug 1, 2025, 3:15 PM

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what am i doing?

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this test is the most important test so far

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and idk

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i’m stressed

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so stressed

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i know i need to pull myself together

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and i sit there to start studying and 3hrs have just passed

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i dont understand

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time is going too fast and i’m so lost and confused

keen marten Aug 1, 2025, 10:47 PM

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im so stressed its not even funny

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i cant rn

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and im so sad abt debating

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like this is such an infair match up

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we’ve made it all the way to semis

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literally from 200 schools

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top 4

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and now we get this unfair match up

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its not fair

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we’ve worked so hard to get to this point

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and now this

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its not fair

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and idc whaty dad says abt

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if ur good enough, ur good enuf

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like you dont understand

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we’re a low range gov school we dont get ANY of the fancy coaching they get

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its not fair

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but honestly my friend raised a good point

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we’d get humiliated in finals

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like genuinely we would

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like we work hard and work well but we’re very unpolished compared to the other schools

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so even if we made finals i think we would be embarrassed indefinitely

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so atp whatever happens, happens

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it is what it is

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sigh

keen marten Aug 2, 2025, 4:13 AM

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^ that was nottt rational lol

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anws whatever atp

keen marten Aug 3, 2025, 2:07 PM

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i am a walking, talking joke

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i meannnn its been worse before lol

keen marten Aug 3, 2025, 2:51 PM

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i feel like half of me has so much hope and the other half of me is so scared

keen marten Aug 5, 2025, 5:45 AM

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i know today will pass but today was not okay

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i feel like bawling

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we lost and i failed my english

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im sick of being me

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i wish i could be someone else

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or just a better version of myself

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i know it will pass but it hurts so much right now

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i know its a terrible idea but i want to sh rn

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i don't care at all but i also feel like it would hurt the people around me too much :(

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i hate myself

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i know i need to pull myself together and get studying because i have a week until trials

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i can't let this bring me down and ruin everything

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i need to eat, shower, wash my hair before i can sit down to study

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it feels like too much right now :(

keen marten Aug 5, 2025, 11:44 AM

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i hate being a failure

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my grades are so terrible atm

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i just wish i was smarter

keen marten Aug 8, 2025, 9:48 AM

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i hate me

keen marten Aug 9, 2025, 5:59 AM

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i feel like im toast

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it feels like any studying i do now its not enough

keen marten Aug 12, 2025, 1:01 AM

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ahhhh i have less than 24 hrs

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im so scared

keen marten Aug 14, 2025, 7:53 AM

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i feel kinda flat 😭

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i just feel kinda grey

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idk why

keen marten Aug 14, 2025, 8:54 AM

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what would i be like today if i never had mh issues

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would i be doing better for myself?

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would my grades be better?

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would i have stronger relationships?

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i feel like ive hurt and closed off so many people

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i've brought so much pain to the people i love

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and i just wasted so much time and done so many terrible things

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i wish i hadn't gotten this

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i honestly don't see how my life is better having had it

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like sure i've been exposed to hardships and gotten through them

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but wouldn't it be easier to not even have gone through them at all

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idk

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did i bring this upon myself?

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i don't know anymore

keen marten Aug 15, 2025, 10:19 PM

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i should be excited

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why do i feel so grey and numbed out

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ugh

keen marten Aug 16, 2025, 3:02 PM

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how can i think abt being pretty when im so fat lol

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but im so tired and i need to be up in a frw hours 😭😭😭

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gnn

keen marten Aug 25, 2025, 2:08 PM

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ahh we have captain speeches tmr

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im so nervous

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i want this so so so much

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and im trying to not do this to myself so i dont take the result too hard

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but i feel like its possible

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idkk

keen marten Aug 25, 2025, 9:26 PM

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am i really delusional enough to believe that all three of us can be captains???

keen marten Aug 26, 2025, 7:23 AM

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im really scared, i reallly want this

keen marten Aug 27, 2025, 1:07 PM

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im ready to crash out

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i cant find my page of notes that i really need arghhhh

keen marten Aug 27, 2025, 2:55 PM

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ahah okay it wasnt that deep

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i think my brain was in overload mode

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i need to lock in

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but ngl i just feel greyed out

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i dont feel a sense of urgency

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i think i’m a bad person

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i kinda miss cutting

keen marten Aug 29, 2025, 9:01 AM

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no word abt captains yet :(

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hopefully by monday

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prelims are literally in a week

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why am i so unserious about all of this

keen marten Aug 29, 2025, 2:25 PM

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i feel like crying

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i dont know whats been wrong with me recently

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is this just another episode??

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im sick of constantly bouncing around

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i just want to feel okay

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why do i always feel so terrible

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im so confused

keen marten Aug 29, 2025, 3:09 PM

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i

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i dont even know what to think and feel anymore

keen marten Aug 30, 2025, 11:12 PM

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i know that im a lot

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and i know that my anxiety makes me a lot lol

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and its really weird to see my
usually collected friend as stressed as me

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she is not usually someone who ruminates out loud

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but this time she is

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its kinda funny to see her in the state that im always so used to being in

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i dont mean this in a bad way but I hope that she can understand me more from now on

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in the past she has rightfully been done with my ruminating

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but now shes going though it

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and im almost tempted to tell her that

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this is specifically just to this situation for you but this isnmy everyday and this is my reality

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i hope she can understand how exhausting this is and why I do the things I do out of anxiety

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i feel like ive lived with so much anxiety for so long that its my normal

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yes it sucks but also i dont remeber a time where it hasnt been a part of me

keen marten Aug 31, 2025, 10:11 PM

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I think results are coming out today

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Im really nervous

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i feel like i havent been able to breathe right for the past week 😭😭😭

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i reallllly want this

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ive wanted this for years

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and its crazy that something ive been building up towards for the past few years is here

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and i know that whatever the result i'll live

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but i also know that i'll be crushed

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but i'll just have to be okay

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because ive gone through so many things and am still alive

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kinda like that image that was going around a while back

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'you've survived 100% of your worst days'

keen marten Aug 31, 2025, 10:15 PM

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keen marten i know that im a lot

and thanks for reacting to this, it means a lot <3

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i think my chest is gonna burst

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the anxiety is going to be the end of mee

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alr better get ready to go to school

keen marten Sep 1, 2025, 10:31 AM

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holy 🐮

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im shaking lololol

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im so happy

keen marten Sep 2, 2025, 1:07 PM

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Yayyy it took hours 😭😭😭 but i've finally finished my captains speech

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Im so excitedddd

keen marten Sep 5, 2025, 2:28 PM

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helppp i feel off

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idk why or what but i just don’t feel right

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maybe im just tired

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i hope it gets better in the morning

keen marten Sep 6, 2025, 2:28 AM

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i still feel not right

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this better not be the start of the episode

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i feel so guilty for it right now ahhh

keen marten Sep 10, 2025, 1:39 PM

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naw this is a joke

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wait im an idiot i did porty twice

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LOL

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anws 2/5 exams doneeee

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tmr is enterprise

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i have mmo studied properly and i feel hella guilty

#

auggdjgdjadjahd

#

too late now

#

ive been taking these exams so unseriously

#

like given the weight of them

#

my studyig has not been equivilant

keen marten Sep 15, 2025, 12:59 PM

#

im gonna bomb chem 😭😭😭

#

like 50% is out of reach atp

#

ugh

keen marten Sep 21, 2025, 9:28 AM

#

why do I feel so numbed out?

#

nothing is wrong

#

tbh everything is fine

#

but I just feel kinda down

#

why?

#

i think maybe im just tired?

keen marten Sep 22, 2025, 2:19 PM

#

#

this is not fair

#

if she has a problem with me can she just grow up

#

ur a grown adult for goodness sake

#

stop picking problems with me

#

bruhh

#

anws that aside

#

rank 2 for eco

#

if i hadnt gotten that 7 in term 2

#

i would probably be fine

#

now…

#

im not so sure

#

and recently i keep lookint at my scars

#

in a weird way i miss them

#

im not making any new ones rn

#

but in a twisted way

#

i wish i had gone deeper so that they wouldnt have faded so fast

#

:(

#

im so messed up

#

why am i like this?

keen marten Sep 23, 2025, 8:51 AM

#

please dont be another episode

#

i cant deal wuth that rn

keen marten Sep 24, 2025, 2:35 PM

#

she has been so passive agressive and rude

#

i cannot deal with her any longer

#

i have no idea what i possibly could've done to make her have such an agenda againt me

#

like this is gonna be a very hard year for me if she keeps carrying on and giving me a hard time

#

as long as she doesnt mess with my marks or block my goals i won't complain

#

maybe this is karma in a weird twisted way

keen marten Sep 25, 2025, 2:50 PM

#

i am not thrilled abt seeing her tmr morning ughhhh

#

last day before break ig

#

but its gonna be a chaotic one thats for sure

keen marten Sep 26, 2025, 5:58 AM

#

GOD I SWEAR I CAMT DO ANYTHING RIGHT BY HER

#

everything I do is wrong

#

no matter how much i try to do the right thing

#

its wrong

#

its so hard

#

i dont know what to do anymore

#

it wasnt on purpose

#

and like it was too late to wait any longer

#

flip this

#

why does she hate me

#

what could i possibly have done to deserve this

#

i hate her for putting me in this spot

#

how cam people have so much respect for her

#

it’s ridiculous

keen marten Sep 26, 2025, 8:49 AM

#

im having really bad urges

#

istg im going to split my arms open

#

im not in a good space

keen marten Oct 5, 2025, 1:53 PM

#

i hate myself

#

im so confused and conflicted and just dont know how to feel anymore

#

i dont know what i want

#

and i dont know what to do

keen marten Oct 6, 2025, 4:16 AM

#

i can’t do this

#

why do i feel like this

#

i hate myself

keen marten Oct 6, 2025, 6:56 AM

#

what the heck am i doing

#

im losing my minf

#

im like actually bawling im gonna cut

#

i cant

keen marten Oct 7, 2025, 5:19 AM

#

saying something didnt change anything, now theyre just being controlling about what i eat

#

UGH

keen marten Oct 7, 2025, 9:39 AM

#

i just need to ride this out and i hope that i’ll be fine once its thru

keen marten Oct 11, 2025, 12:46 AM

#

my exam is in like a handful of days im so screwes

#

i dont know what im doing with myself and i dont care

#

everything feels kinda greyed out

#

i dont want to go back to school

#

i need more time to just reset

#

its happening too fast

#

and i need to hurry up and be better

#

i feel like im losing my mind

keen marten Oct 12, 2025, 11:03 AM

#

I HATE MYSELF

#

IM TOO FAT AND STUPIF AND UGLY AND DUMB

#

I WANT TO CUT MYSELF AND HURT MYSELF

#

I AM DISGUSTING

#

IM TERRIBLE

#

NO ONE SHOULD LIKE ME

#

IM AN AWFUL PERSON

keen marten Oct 14, 2025, 5:48 AM

#

i feel so stressed

#

but it feels apart from the looming maths test

#

something else is stressing me out but im not sure what

#

ig thats just anxiety

keen marten Oct 16, 2025, 2:10 PM

#

i am so screwed door next week

#

everyone is acting like maths is second nature but im struggling with certain bits and pieces

#

im not smart enough

keen marten Oct 17, 2025, 5:20 AM

#

i wish i was smarter

#

im so stupid

#

and i cant write

#

and i cant do maths

#

and i cant do science

#

there is literally nothing i can be good at

keen marten Oct 18, 2025, 1:02 PM

#

im so stupid and dumb and useless and lazy

#

why am i not studying when i should be studying harder than ive ever studied in my life

#

i keep wasting time

#

and now i only have a handful of hours left

#

WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?

#

so stupid and dumb

#

and fat and ugly

#

i hate you

#

I CANT DO ANYTHUNG RIGHT

keen marten Oct 19, 2025, 11:07 AM

#

im too stupid for this

#

im gonna fail and its gonna screw up my whole future

#

i want to sh

#

the urges are so intense right now

keen marten Oct 20, 2025, 6:23 AM

#

im losing my marbles whats going in bah

keen marten Oct 22, 2025, 10:22 AM

#

and im done

#

screw everything

keen marten Oct 22, 2025, 1:36 PM

#

im ready to jump off a cliff

#

it really couldnt have gone worse

#

ughhhh

#

and that stupid passive agressive teacher

#

like its not that deep

#

its boiling, is it really going to kill you if we stand in the building for 5 minutes??

#

and ur stupid reasoning that there’s no supervision is ridiculous

#

like come on, its not like we’re dumb 11 years olds

#

we’re more than capable of being IN SCHOOL without constant surveillance

#

i hate this

#

and i dont even know how to feel about anything anymrkeb

keen marten Oct 23, 2025, 12:00 PM

#

i wish i could go to GPNJ this weekend but its not possible :(

keen marten Oct 24, 2025, 1:33 PM

#

im going through the everything feels grey phase

#

my enjoyment and passion for everything has been zapped right now

#

i dont have energy for everything

#

idk if this is just exam recovery or another episode

#

ugh

keen marten Oct 26, 2025, 12:15 PM

#

idk what to do atp

#

i have nothing left in me to givea

#

and im so tired

#

and i know ext is tmr

#

but I honnestly can't

keen marten Nov 5, 2025, 1:19 PM

#

i think i’m going thru an episode

#

im so drained and tired and just want to be alone

#

i want to hurt myself

#

i feel so ugly and dumb

#

i won’t amount to anything

#

im too fat and useless

#

im a bad person

#

everyone should hate me

keen marten Nov 12, 2025, 11:35 AM

#

rah post over sharing vulnerability hits hard

#

i feel werid and anxious i dont like this

#

i had i think a good yap with my teacher

#

but i still feel really weird about it

#

but i always feel this way

#

i just domt like exposing myself

#

i just feel really off

keen marten Nov 12, 2025, 1:30 PM

#

i dont feel better

#

i still feel like cutting

keen marten Nov 12, 2025, 2:52 PM

#

i relapsed and its been months

#

i dont feel bad about it though

#

im sure ill feel differently in the morning

keen marten Nov 13, 2025, 1:30 PM

#

i shouldnt have done that

keen marten Nov 13, 2025, 1:52 PM

#

ive just been having urges all day and i just want to do it again

keen marten Nov 13, 2025, 2:09 PM

#

im so sick of everyone just dismissing my ideas and trying to push me down and stop me from doing things

#

they genuinely frustrate me so much

#

it feels like they’re trying to dull my shine and my ideas

#

it’s so unfair

#

i hate this

#

and i hate her

#

she pisses me off so much

keen marten Nov 13, 2025, 2:30 PM

#

I HATE MYSELF
I HATE MYSELF
I HATE MYSELF
I HATE MYSELF
I HATE MYSELF

#

DIE TRASH

#

ur so stupid and terrible and bad and dumb

keen marten Nov 14, 2025, 2:40 PM

#

i want to cut so badly

#

i was kidding myself when i said i didnt have a problem

#

i do

#

its all ive been rhinking abt

#

i want more cuts

#

i want more scars

#

i want to hurt and punnish and release the pain

#

i cant cope

#

what am i doing

#

im losing it

#

i am actually losing it

#

im not okay

#

i lied

#

maybe i shouldve been honest when w asked if inwas alr

#

but ive been too attention seeky and nagging anf ive takke up too much space this weel

#

i domt feel okay

#

i know itll pass

#

but

#

idk

#

i hate myself and ntohinf feels right and im having such bad thoughts i dont like this

keen marten Nov 14, 2025, 10:42 PM

#

bad thoughts bad thoughts bad thoughts

#

Its been five days like this

#

i hope it doesntlast forever

keen marten Nov 18, 2025, 1:37 PM

#

i miss my old body that wasnt this fat

#

FAT FAT FAT

keen marten Nov 24, 2025, 9:21 AM

#

im feel like crying because im remembering that time

#

i was so terrible to my body

#

it feels so weird to think about

#

idk how i managed to not eat until my family made me have dinner

#

how i got through all the pain

#

how i fainted

#

but i didnt get thinner

#

and the bad thing is that i want to do it again

#

i hate being fat

#

taking photos today and i was so fat and bloated

#

like im actually so fat and ugly

#

and my family doesnt make it better

#

i jsut wanna to be thin and not so ugly

keen marten Nov 25, 2025, 8:06 AM

#

i hate myself

#

im just such an inherently annoying and terrible person

#

i cant do anything right

#

im dumb and im ugly

#

and im stupid and wrong

#

everything i do is wrong

#

im just annoyimg

#

everyone shoulr hate me

#

i think they do

#

im so annoying

#

hate hate hate

#

dumb dumb dumb

#

STUPID STUPID STUPID

keen marten Nov 26, 2025, 1:47 PM

#

it was just sitting there today and it just hit me

#

i was so done

#

like if i went i went

#

i didnt feel against it

#

and that was scary

#

i just felt like i was sitting there trying not to cry

#

i dont know whats wrong with me

#

whats wrong with me

#

sometimes i think im better and then im not anymore

#

i saw smth yesterday

#

i think it was

#

you have time, just not time to waste

#

i wish i could just push myswlf now

#

but i cant

#

i feel broke

keen marten Nov 28, 2025, 8:59 AM

#

can they please stop telling me im fat

#

i get it

#

IM HUGE AND FAT

#

IM TRYING

#

IM TRYING UR STILL CALLING ME FAT

#

AND WHEN I TRY I GET TEASED

#

IM DARNED IF I DO DARNED JF I DONT

#

IM FAT FAT FAT

#

JUST STOP TELLING ME IM FAT

#

OKAY I WONT BE ABLE TO FIT INTO A STUPID DRESS

#

BECAUSE IM TOO FAT

#

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT

keen marten Nov 30, 2025, 1:18 PM

#

AHH im gona failll

#

i tried so hard this time

#

and i feel im just inherently dumb and stupid

#

i cant do anything right

#

EVER

keen marten Nov 30, 2025, 1:36 PM

#

i am so screwed

keen marten Nov 30, 2025, 3:03 PM

#

im such a bad person

keen marten Dec 1, 2025, 1:29 PM

#

its not the deep and it’s prolly in my head but i feel like she like her more than me

#

i don’t know why she let her do something she said i couldnt

#

the reasoning was sound and everyhting

#

maybe she juts didnt understand what i meant?

#

ive been getting that feeling more now? its probably delusional but it makes me sad

#

i feel so drained

keen marten Dec 2, 2025, 2:28 PM

#

i’m so screwed back to back legal and english

#

i know the circumstances suck but i feel like i didnt make things better

keen marten Dec 2, 2025, 9:04 PM

#

boy am i screwed

#

i feel like i need to just accept that ill never be smart enough

keen marten Dec 3, 2025, 8:45 AM

#

today has been so rubbish

keen marten Dec 7, 2025, 1:34 PM

#

i feel so drained

keen marten Dec 8, 2025, 5:34 AM

#

i hate myself

#

i hate myself so much

keen marten Dec 8, 2025, 6:52 AM

#

why am i like this

#

i want to hurt myself

#

i hate myself

#

it feels so strong

keen marten Dec 8, 2025, 8:27 AM

#

theres so much tension and stress in my body

#

i want to get rid of it

#

but idk how

keen marten Dec 8, 2025, 9:14 PM

#

im going to implode

#

i hate myself

#

hate hate hatw

keen marten Dec 9, 2025, 1:11 PM

#

im done

#

i cant do this anymore

#

im too broken and damaged

#

and stupid and dumb and lazy

#

i cant do anything right

#

i dont understand why i dont understand

#

i just have nothing left in me to give

#

im starting to think its not normal to be having this many mental breakdowns in this short of a time span

keen marten Dec 9, 2025, 2:50 PM

#

i cant do this anymroe

#

im done

#

i feel like wveryone hates me

#

i hate myself

#

im so annoying and i cant do anythung right

#

im so broken

keen marten Dec 9, 2025, 3:24 PM

#

i feel like im goinf crazy

#

i cant

keen marten Dec 9, 2025, 9:22 PM

#

im losing it

#

i dont even know what to think or how to feel anymore

keen marten Dec 10, 2025, 12:08 PM

#

im so disappointed in myself

#

and im so disappointed about my eco mark

#

i know that a 24/25 is a really good mark

#

but im so disappointed

#

i tried really hard this time

#

but i still fell short

#

i still cant do anythung right

keen marten Dec 11, 2025, 12:35 PM

#

one more exam tomorrow and im finally free

keen marten Dec 15, 2025, 1:56 PM

#

i made plans a week ago and now i dont wanna go 😭😭😭

#

i think an episode is setting in ugh

keen marten Dec 16, 2025, 7:56 AM

#

okay i had fun and think i needed my friends to help me feel better

#

but now im home again

#

and i feel terrible again

#

i feel like im such a hard person to be around

#

is my whole life just going to be constantly swinging between fine and depression

#

i dont know that i can do this if thats going to be the case

#

and maths results drop in 2 days

#

sigh

#

i hate myself

keen marten Dec 16, 2025, 12:46 PM

#

im having such bad sh urges :(

keen marten Dec 16, 2025, 9:25 PM

#

im not coping and i want to hurt myself so badly

#

its tearing me apart

#

i cant do this anymore

#

i cant do this

#

im actually going to do soemthing i regret if this keeps going

keen marten Dec 17, 2025, 1:26 PM

#

im losing my mind

keen marten Dec 19, 2025, 6:21 AM

#

finally done for the year

#

im lowkey pissed at the school for making us sit outside in 40c with limited shade

#

like half the kids were getting heatstroke

keen marten Dec 26, 2025, 1:26 AM

#

I had such a weird dream and it was so vivid

#

the school had like set up a offing yourself thing???

#

and everyone was acting like it was normal

#

and i was so distressed and everyone else around me was acting like it was normal?

#

it was really scary and i have no idea what it means

keen marten Jan 1, 2026, 10:50 AM

#

ahh happy 2026

#

it doesnt feel like it tbh

#

i think i still need to let it settle in

keen marten Jan 6, 2026, 1:44 PM

#

im trying to take mroe photos to make memories and stuff but i hate them all

#

im just so fat and ugly

#

in every single photo my face is too rounf and my chin is too double lol

#

and like my body is so fat as well

#

i hate it so much

#

im trying but i frel like im just too fat and ugly

keen marten Jan 7, 2026, 2:17 PM

#

i feel like im just going thru a

#

i hate myself phase rn

#

:(

#

and i still hate that im so fat and ugly

keen marten Jan 8, 2026, 6:41 AM

#

i just dont know what to do with myself right now

keen marten Jan 9, 2026, 1:25 PM

#

whats wrong with me?

#

i dont know what to do anymore

#

i feel so guilty for feeling this way

#

i wish i had someone i could talk to

#

but i feel like theres no one in my life that i can talk to right now

#

and i frel guilty for saying that becayse its probably not true

#

but it feels true right now

#

i just feel wrong

#

i feel so hopeless

#

i feel like cutting great

#

i dont know what to do with myself

#

ive just been mentally ill (but not sick enough) for so long

#

i feel so lost and stuck

#

everything hurts so much

#

i cant do this

#

i deserve pain

keen marten Feb 13, 2026, 11:07 AM

#

It's been a crazy month

#

a family member passed away and i feel a lot

#

sad and grief and a lot of guilt

#

and i know its all water under the bridge

#

and its small

#

but i feel so guilty

#

and school has started again

#

and its been a lot of ups and downs

#

and i feel like the past few nights ive been feeling really terrible

#

and it scares me

#

during the day at school surround by people i can be okay

#

but at night at home

#

its not great

keen marten Feb 15, 2026, 2:35 PM

#

i dont know what to do with myself anymore

keen marten Feb 17, 2026, 2:51 PM

#

im not coping

#

i feel wrong

#

i feel bad

#

i feel sad

#

i feel so heavy

#

im hurting and i have no idrea why

#

i dont think i can do thus

#

and tmr is gking to be such a long day basixally 8am-5pm with basically no breaks

#

i canr sleep

#

and i have to be up in 5 hours

#

im not coping

#

i cant do this

#

i want to cut

#

and i dont want to be me

#

i want to be someone else

#

im so dumb and ugly and fat and stupif and uswlsss

#

i cant do anythung right

#

i feel so broken

#

i dont know whats wrong with me

#

i am wrong

#

what am i doing
i feel like crying

#

i cant do this

#

im gonna see if

#

i still feel this way tmr

#

if ms c is busy on friday

#

because i reallt canr cope rn on my own anymore

keen marten Feb 22, 2026, 11:52 AM

#

i dont usually go this long feeling this bad

#

im scared

keen marten Feb 23, 2026, 9:23 AM

#

i relapsed thsi afternoon

#

and they're so small and shallow

#

and i want to do it again

#

and harder and deeper

#

im not okay

keen marten Feb 23, 2026, 12:31 PM

#

i actually cant do this anymore...

keen marten Feb 24, 2026, 9:58 AM

#

my teacher helped me to lodge a request to see the school nurse and im so scared

keen marten Feb 25, 2026, 9:11 PM

#

yesterday my brain cleared and now its back but im okay with it beacuse at least im valid and not a liar

#

im so confused

#

i suddenly want to undrop maths ext bruh

#

sh urges fun

keen marten Feb 26, 2026, 11:16 AM

#

aha okay so i spent all day feeling pent up that i was gonna get jumpscared by someone coming to get me to take me to wellbeing

#

and then i went for mentoring and my teacher was like hey wanna see teh nurse now 😭

#

and i was like uh what okay

#

so im just standing in the room panicking

#

and she comes in and i make an absolute fool of myself because im so stressed and nervous

#

and she introduces herself

#

and my teacher asks me whether she should leave and I ask her to stay and she stays and im so grateful because i think i woulda like panic spiraled if she left me

#

so the nurse kinda starts to ask me whats going on

#

and im just like oh dam

#

and i just answer as much as i can

#

so im just like yep ive been struggling and given its such an important year of school i need to like get things down pat

#

and she starts narrowing down

#

so like yep mh
how long has this been going on for?
how have you been managing

#

have i seen anyone before?

#

do i have any diagnosis

#

have i taken medication

keen marten Feb 26, 2026, 11:50 AM

#

and then she asked the question

#

of

#

I have to ask this but have you ever wanted to hurt yourself or like have you ever hurt yourself i cant rmemeber now

#

And i froze

#

because i was not expecting that to come up

#

like honestly i so should have

#

but i didnt

#

and in my head i was calculating

#

and i was like i could say no

#

but by that point liek 10 seconds had passed

#

like there was no way i could come back from that and say no with confidence

#

so i tried to answer as least suspiciously as possible

#

so i was like

#

(after like many moments of staring out the window and saying nothing)

#

do you have to report me?

#

i dont even remember what she said because i was freaking out

#

im sure it was something like we might or whatever

#

and i just said then for now my answer is no

#

then she asked me about my sleep

#

and i admited that i stayed up late to the point where i can knock out

#

because its better than tryna sleep with my head constantly yelling thoughts at me

#

cant remember if theres more she asked

#

and then she tried to give it another crack

#

and she was like IF you were to hurt yourself how would you do it? and she was liek by cutting? or

like she really went to cutting straight up 😭 but also my main form so she was bang on

#

and i was like can I not answer that right now

#

and then she asked if i'd reached out to a helpline and i said yes

#

and i said i have dabbled in crashout on ai

#

and she was like its not uncommon and thats fine if its working for you but its not a longterm solution

#

which like fair

#

id rather it wasnt a solution and i was sane

#

but whatever

#

then she asked me how old i was to guage what services i could access

#

and thenn she tried to give it one last go

#

and she was like can you tell me the last time yo hurt youself

#

and i just said

#

can i say no

#

and she said yes you can

#

so i said no

(says me who cut like 3 days ago)

#

after that she was kinda like

#

oh wait idk when it happend

#

but i was like

#

i really dont want my parents to find out

#

and i was just like theyre stressed enuf

#

but also lowkey they've reacted poorly in the past

#

and like migrant stigma

#

i guess what i forgot to say

#

is that id actually break their hearts

#

and idk if i can be responsible for that

#

anws she was like towards the end

#

im not convinved that you're not hurting yourself

#

so i think the best thing is to get you into counselling immediately

#

and im like oh snap

#

because ive had terrible experience with the school counseelor

#Abyss' Journal