Still wish I could move on from many things and people. Sometimes I wonder if quitting Discord would help.
#Mila's Journal
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But I barely care for social media
So Idk how I'd keep in contact with my sis and other friends. Taking breaks does help, maybe I don't take enough.
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Changed my user hoping it'll help me get over well someone. Gonna change it again in a day and wasn't gonna chat much but I need to vent.
Otherwise Idk what I'mma do besides listening to podcasts or music while exercising to calm down.
So just had a little talk with my big bro and told him I didn't appreciate him boasting about "convincing me to go to college" cause like I said before, it was my choice. Anyway he lied about ever saying it and got irate with me. Told him he better not boast about "convincing me" to lose weight if I ever do despite him and little bro fat shaming me daily. Reminded him it's my body, life, and choices and I wanna lose weight on my own accord and feel better in my own skin. He said he cares, I said he goes about it the wrong way and think I'mma not talk to 'em both for awhile. They bully instead of encouraging and I'm sick of it. Idk what to do besides ignoring cause I can't have good communication with either without 'em getting angry when I stand up for myself and they "care" while insulting me.
So damn annoyed, glad to be outta the house away from 'em though
Back on my pc, gonna try to chillax, maybe meditate 
Almost vented more, seems like writing's the main thing nowadays that helps to cool me down. Found a crochet pattern but don't have any motivation.
Might try anyway....Idk....Might look up some anger management podcasts or something. Gotta put my energy into doing good whether it's for myself or others rather than releasing this damn rage on my fam like they do me.
But it's tempting sometimes. People may say and do things in anger they don't mean but I try to keep my temper around 'em......Even when they call my online friends "fake" and mock me for being on Discord a lot. If only they knew what I went through irl and why I'm weary making friends or dating irl again....They don't know any of it, they just assume I do nothing with my life.
I'm also tired of 'em saying "we" when it comes to things in my life....Like they forget I'm an adult making decisions on my own and they wanna be with me every step of the way sure but I'm confused why one day they were like "gotta do all this yourself, you're an adult" to wanting to hold my hand, being controlling, and trying to force me to do things....
Or how big bro brushes off my anxiety and paranoia. Little bro thinks I'm not majorly depressed cause I try to do things with my life period. Idk if telling 'em things was a good idea or not....Maybe it's all my bad and I deserve to be treated horribly.
Sometimes I wonder that
Wonder a lotta things, like why I'm still here....Why I talk to 'em period....Why I bother in life and where I'mma be in the next yr or 2.
Tried to feel better.....Tried to be better....Feels futile.....
Been wanting to give up, feels like there's barely any point in life.
But my sis and friends keep me going. Often it feels like they're all I have.
Been thinking of attempting suicide, haven't attempted in yrs. Still haven't broken my self harm streak either but it's hard...Hard not giving into urges of hurting myself.
Not often I'm open about this stuff besides to my closest friends and sis. All the times I thought about asking for support here but....Something holds me back....This server's pretty nonjudgmental and I like that but wouldn't be the first time I got called a "drama queen" for talking about my emotions. By my own mom so I'm weary talking about my feelings period. I'd hope nobody else would judge me but Idk, guess it holds me back from being as open.
Things sting, even yrs later
Damn intrusive thoughts still.....Wish I could shut my brain off....Wish I didn't feel.....Wish I didn't miss people still.....Wish I didn't anything....
Somedays I wonder why, why I'm still alive....But.....It'd just be like last time when I get very close to actually committing. I'd get those racing thoughts again. Remind myself there's things to live for....Still hope even if it doesn't feel like it much lately.
Sometimes I still regret not just ending it when I was 16. After my 1st relationship and some stuff with fam.
Might get some tea
And tell myself it'll be ok, even though Idk if things will be.
Was gonna try to write some poems sometime. Maybe work on my short stories too. Still gotta finish cleaning my room. Barely motivated but trying to push myself to do things I've been putting off awhile now.
Awww this cheered me up a little
(づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ
I used to not like hugs, irl at least. My mom loves 'em and would corner me or tower over me when I'm sitting down to gimme one.
But virtual hugs are nice
Still remember that one nickname my sis gave me, "Mila Hugs"
🥲
Also thought about when I got called a bot for the reacts and that dampened my mood a bit.
But I'm feeling better already
But thinking of my sis really makes me feel better. All my friends do 
Do like seeing some drawings, someday I gotta try drawing again too 
Not that I was ever good at it but with practice I'd surely get better and even then it's fun trying 
Wish I still had a drawing I did back in highschool. Took like a month but couldn't be laminated and think it got water damaged and thrown away. Also wish I kept my comic strips. Someday I'll try remaking 'em.
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Well I'm feeling much better. Idk when I'mma go to sleep though since studying.
I keep thinking I'm writing in someone else's journal 
Mila's Journal
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Ehh changed my mind but I'm avoiding a server. Been awhile since I stayed up all night and might not sleep today.
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Got to sleep and it was ok, went to sleep at like 11. Feeling like I gotta hide a channel for awhile again.
Might go for a walk
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Been awhile since I've had a bad feeling. It's weird, like déjà vu but could just be overthinking or paranoia. Been thinking about quitting Discord though. That server I joined not even a week ago I started feeling like I belonged in but not much anymore.
Idk, still feel like I don't belong anywhere and sometimes I wonder if being on Discord's more stressful for me or not.
Seeing some people and reminiscing doesn't help me move on from the past.
But I don't wanna lose contact with my friends of course. Idk what to do.....Can't take more than a day long break it seems.....Guess I gotta find more stuff to distract myself.
Having 2nd thoughts on college
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Trying to calm down before I hurt myself or vent. Thought of my old server and the friends that turned their backs on me mocking me. Intrusive thoughts....
Feeling so much damn rage though
Still baffles me how cruel some people can be
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Think I'mma play a game, Idk. Saw an ad for wedding planning or something and it cheered me up a bit cause I've always wanted to plan my own wedding. Idk, that fun of creativity I guess and the idea of getting married in some beautiful place is relaxing for me. Thought of outdoors, a garden or something.
Unsure if I'll ever find someone for me though
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Think I'm feeling better, for now. 
craving icecream now. Might go for a walk...Even though it's almost 2 am.....Feeling like I need fresh air after all the venting and stuff...Something to clear my head
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Started to go on a walk but it reminded me of last time 😔
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Can't walk around at night without getting scared still. But I'm feeling much better, slept almost all day. Just played Lethal Company with my bros and gonna try crocheting.
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Well I had a mostly ok day. Started exercising again. Earlier I was kinda down but don't feel like talking about it. Paranoid now though 
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Turned dms off again, turned 'em on after I joined a server but leaving it soon. Feeling weird again but gonna try to distract. 
Yet to start crocheting, mostly been looking at patterns but can't decide what to make...Lots of cool stuff out there and stuff I wanna make still ugh
😔
Think I'mma try to chillax with music or something....Got to thinking of some people....
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Trying to get my life started and kept together. Have friends that care about me. Trying to focus on the present to have a future but often stuck in the past cause of memories. Sometimes I wish I didn't think, didn't feel
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I didn't get it but it's ok. Might ask about it if I ask for my old tags again. But I'm feeling better, gonna go exercise soon.
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Hmm, kinda wanna write instead. I never did get around to working on my short stories and poems again. But I should try to stick to my exercise routine, might run some errands later too.
dry boughBOT
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Went on a walk and feeling good, about to play Terraria with my bros.
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Well we had fun playing. In class waiting for it to start and I'mma be here like all day. Seems pretty cool 
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Been anxious and had to introduce myself and read stuff aloud ugh. Glad they have those popping things though since apparently that helps calm me, wish I had a stress ball. Idk what I'm doing after, might visit my grandparents.
Like 4 more hrs then I'mma get something to eat and maybe go to the rose garden. For awhile I was avoiding it but I'm ok now...I think...
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Had a panic attack but breathing exercises help too. Otherwise class went ok, I got a sticker.
Also took a buncha notes, something I always liked doing. Ugh my head
Think I'mma get something to eat and go to a garden or something now. Haven't eaten all day.
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But Idk, kinda wanna get home, kinda don't wanna. Been feeling down and lonely. Thought of more but I'mma try to meditate or something....
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I went craft shopping and feeling much better. I got crochet stuff, paper for origami, and cross stitch stuff. Might try making some earrings too if I can find my jewelry stuff.
copper trail
So I wasn't sure if I should post in this ever again or just make another journal but I figured after everything I've been through that I'd end this on a happy note with a little life update. This is my old journal, I deleted my Mila/ANG acc to get away from toxic people. I considered even deleting this acc since I had to drop some people that weren't......Exactly nice to me. I can only give so many chances but when people don't care to communicate well.....I'm tired of one-sided communications, it's exhausting trying to be the only one that works things out and carries a friendship/relationship. I'd go into detail but tbh Idc for those people anymore, they're not worth my time and effort, they've proved they dc about me sooo I see no point in caring back.
I'm happily engaged with a loving bf, someone that actually cares about me and can communicate. I've made plenty more friends and recently graduated college again. Planning on going back in the fall and next spring.
I couldn't be happier :)
Felt like journaling again, missed this, don't miss Apa and some others. I got over 'em a long time ago. Thought why we broke up but tbh it's in the past and the past can't be changed so it's whatevs. I couldn't care less, used to care so much for people.
It's tiring
But I hope the friends that I've met here that stuck around, that don't treat me badly at all are doing ok, I noticed some deleted their accs or well left.
copper trail
I'm happily engaged with a loving bf, someone that actually cares about me and c...
A guy that doesn't abuse me and cheat, how rare, his name's Daniel and he's adorbs, love him with all my heart
Still do craft, did some origami and drawing when I went into crisis last Tuesday actually. Why'd I go? Cause adulting sucks and I have GAD, stress eats me alive but I'm trying to make the most of life while I have it, Daniel helps keep me going. Of course my friends do too, still appreciate 'em very much. There's some good that came outta being on this server, met a lotta bad people but also some great.
Am mostly grateful for this journaling feature, helped me through some dark times writing. Do have a physical journal but carpal tunnel says nope writing most of the time.
Hmm, ah right, I cba with this much anymore. Also can't with some people I'd rather not see, people I used to know or well thought I knew till they showed their true colors. Sucks but happens, people come and go, like the flow of the river of time we move.