Mila's Journal

[normal latch]

Ran my errand but messed up something sooo I'mma feel dumb the rest of the day. 🥲

Nothing too bad of course. I still gotta start crocheting another bee.

Something that baffles me, I make someone "uncomfy" and yet they wanna chat later. I chatted a little to be nice but good to respect wishes.

Plus Idk if I wanna chat.

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Still thankful I found someone great.

Someone that'd never hurt me like the others.

I was gonna vent but nah

I'm feeling great and happy.

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Thinking about putting a pic of the bee since I'm almost done but shoulda went with the same colors as the big one. 🥲

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Yeah I might just be an idiot, I keep miscounting rnds.

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So I finished my bee but I'm too shy showing it off.

Just put on my fav dress, like the only time I felt pretty and now I don't. 😭

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I'm fine now, might try again later but I usually feel empowered and nice but couldn't stop crying.

Told a friend I'm freezing and they offered to send me clothes.

I guess the thought's nice, Jacky's very nice.

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Idk what to crochet

Can't focus on something big without switching to another thing.....rage quits on a bee

Bf helps keep me sane and helped me with it.

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Decided I'm making a unicorn now, biggish project so hopefully I can focus and finish it.

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Aaaaand I got bored crocheting again, also ruined a friendship. Maybe someday I won't be awkward and well learn how to communicate better.

I'm still surprised I have friends, almost pushed 2 besties away during an episode. Still surprised I have such a great bf too, never thought I'd find someone like him.

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Can't focus much rn, paranoid an ex's talking about me in a bad light. Wouldn't be the first time one did.

Might try drawing

So many ideas and like no motivation

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It's raining though so I feel a little better, might read and meditate.

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Was gonna go outside but it's hella windy so I'm scared.

Started crocheting a bunny though, love it so far.

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Actually I won't talk about it here, just jealous and worried.

Fine, feel like nobody will care about me since my bf's more popular. I can't help but be bummed and jealous. It's petty and a little thing I guess.

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Tempting to leave the server but I don't wanna bug the mods for my tags back. Took me like a month last time since too damn shy.

Ehhh I don't matter, as usual

People say I do but only use or hurt me eventually sooo Idk anymore.

And now I'm too shy reaching out to friends, usually not so I'm worried.

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Been tempting lately to break my 3 yr streak, too much stress and I hate my body.

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Slowly coming off my episode, finally asked my friend if he's ok. Damn shyness. Keeps me from making friends too.

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Mom and I got food so I'm feeling better, still gotta take my multivitamin and working on my bunny and blanket now.

Put my dress on again and it's weird, last time I couldn't stop crying but I'm fine now. Guess I was going through something Idk.

But I pretty much avoid mirrors.

Reminds me of my teen yrs, wish I didn't give a damn still what people think. It's moreso what I think that bugs me.

😔

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Well ran an errand and got food, got some donuts that taste like candy corn. I like candy corn.

Can't decide if I should work on the bunny or my blanket now though

❤️

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Yep, too shy chatting everywhere else

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Sometimes I feel worthless, like "friends" and exes just used me and didn't actually care.

Guess my fault looking at past texts though.

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Plus I had some pie so I already felt better.

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Might stay up crafting, gotta organize all my supplies and figure out what bracelets to loom. Shyness bums me since I still can't show 'em off.

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Yeah I didn't stay up long lol, think I'mma make a rainbow blanket but gotta figure out the pattern. And back to getting 4-6 hrs of sleep and not well rested.

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Cleaned my room a little and found a sewing kit, I'm still bad at sewing but gotta do some for a project uhh someday.

Wish it was raining, also wish neck pain would go away.

I wanna get outside, not much to do though and body aches so feeling weak.

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Took some meds and wrapped in my blanket watching HP theories. Takes me forever warming up but feeling much better.

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I love finally getting motivation to crochet but can't find a st marker /s

Someday I'll finish stuff lol

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Wish I was useful and could cheer people up.

Wish I was special to someone ever.

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Maybe I just shouldn't chat anymore.

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Never wanted to vanish more, can't though.

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I'm fine now

Just had to talk some stuff out and well a break kinda from the server

Gotta get to cleaning since my bro's moving in with us. Gotta move stuff sooo hope it doesn't cause me more back pain.

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I used to delete dms for the other person but maybe I should for myself, got stuck reading some.

Missing someone but we can't chat anyway.

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listens to their fav song

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Can't delete my dms, instead closed 'em and feeling better already.

Just too much, too many dms and too emotional.

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I just realized, that was a time I felt special. When they said "gm beautiful" and nobody else ever had.

Started to miss 'em but I have my sunshine now and I'm his so remembering that cheers me up.

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Turns out I'm blocked, wasn't awhile ago but guess they changed their mind

I'm not even sad lol, I just find it funny after how they treated me.

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Back to writing poetry since I'm bored of crochet.

Was gonna share but got shy lol, maybe if someone needed confidence like the crochet then that'd help.

Ehhh my bf's a better poet anyway.

😂

And there goes the rest of my super reacts lol, best bf ever

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We're too silly sometimes lol, hope nothing too weird here.

I'm quite proud of this one. Added onto it though just now so deleted the first one.

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Hurt my arm trying to move some heavy stuff, gotta keep trying though sooo

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I'm feeling much better, moved my stuff upstairs besides my computer.

Taking a break while enjoying my coffee and watching Sam and Colby.

I'm suddenly in a crafty mood but Idk what to make.

Supposed to rain

Sooner or later I gotta meditate, so peaceful

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Hasn't started raining yet.

Moved my stuff and cleaned since my bro's moving in tonight.

Still working on my poems. Wish I had my old ones but lost 'em a long time ago, some I remember so redone.

I hope to someday put 'em out as a book. Also gotta finish some short stories though, always wanted to write a novel too.

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Aaaaand I ran outta ideas lol, wish I could draw. I always wanted to write and illustrate a childrens book. Also a comic. I love comics.

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Slept horribly. I kept waking up, nightmares when I could sleep, and got up with backpain.

But a nightmare reminded me of another one and gave me inspiration to write a short story. I probably can't write horror though. Love horror now but didn't read much growing up.

Another nightmare though

Ehhh I kinda wanna write about both now lol

It'd just turn into a vent though.

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Writing a poem instead of a short story and just about done. I was right about it turning into a vent.

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Decided I'm not sharing it here. I'mma focus on writing like 10 more poems today. I'd write the short stories but I'm bad with intros lol.

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Wish I wasn't shy even just chatting with friends still.

Ugh

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Feeling like a nervous wreck yep

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Maybe I should take a break from poetry, I keep reading one and

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I didn't write 10 poems and I'm disappointed in myself.

Also wish I didn't need to sleep since I keep having nightmares.

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Well I'm bored lol

Might tune my violin, nvm, gotta fix my bow.

I had an idea though.

Ehhh someday, I wanna focus on finishing a short story before I write much else.

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Well I'm back to crocheting, making some stuff to showoff here.

If I can get the confidence again.

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Well I'm feeling better, chat earlier got me thinking about irl old "friends" and an abusive ex.

I just have online friends too. Still grateful for everyone here.

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Well I can't crochet, might try more poetry Idk. Pretty bored.

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Damn my paranoia and shyness

Moreso paranoia cause I just noticed something strange. I might just be overthinking.

Hopefully

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Too many coincidences, wish I could stop my panic attacks.

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Feeling better after getting some sleep, granted I wake up with body aches all over but didn't have a nightmare finally

Gotta run some errands. Wish I didn't have to get up.

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Ik people are just being honest but everytime I say ambitions I get discouraged. Can't be a mod just like I can't be a teacher except nobody here would call me dumb.

Fam discourages me too

I'm fine, I should be used to it anyway at this point

Still think I'm bad with words sometimes

Like I can't articulate and form sentences without it looking weird, if it looks weird to me then worried it looks weird to others and scares 'em off.

Even that sentence looks weird. Looks like alphabet soup.

Just realized I might be more chatty about my interests rather than in general, Idk.

Guess it's a comfort thing, good to know people, especially friends are ok and stuff though.

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Missed my errands, haven't gotten outta bed and might not. No motivation today.

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Can spam hugs in a few days

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My mom got me sour gummies so I feel a little better. I love anything sour or spicy lol.

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Guess I'll never be as social and cool as my friends and bf

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Well I feel better, especially after eating. Sometimes I stress eat though.

Hella bummed lately

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Took a nap and I'm well rested but my back hurts, apparently my hair's falling out too.

Gonna try crocheting

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Trying to be more sociable, I'm boring though

And well worried I'd accidently upset someone again.

I think that's when I stopped chatting as much and moreso in this.

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Been awhile since I've listened to audiobooks or podcasts. I wanted to listen to some self help and spiritual ones but kept forgetting.

🥲

Confident sharing

I put this one awhile ago but edited it a little.

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Not tired much, might stay up listening to audiobooks and podcasts lol. I ran outta ideas for poems.

Might tw some and share later but Idk. Started crocheting another mermaid, still can't find a st marker though.

[normal latch]

Found some st markers so can finally crochet.

Also thinking about leaving the server again. Still don't feel like I fit in.

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Just about done with a mermaid, think I'mma try to finish some projects and show 'em off here. Be nice if I could find my black yarn.

Of course my bf and I are like twins still lol

I still miss the adult lounge a little, miss chatting with a few people that left.

Still can't believe I found someone perfect for me. 💚

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Maybe someday I'll get my daily headaches checked out. I don't like going to the doctors or well a hospital though, especially ers.

Scared it might be another hella bad thing.

Gave up on my mermaid, forgot what rnd I was on and can't count so I unraveled it and got even more confused. Started something smaller. Headaches don't help me think straight.

Ehh might just give up for now. Still gotta finish another project.

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Did some crosswords while listening to the Mortician's Daughter. I like it, reminds me a book I read a long time ago. Started listening to that book then got distracted watching Pikmin then Chibi-Robo gameplays lol. Miss playing those on my Gamecube and ds. 🥲

Also decided I'm never leaving again, Idk if I'll ever get the courage to ask for my tags back.

Might be more active in another server though.

Yeah Idk, I feel more outta place everywhere else.

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Idk if I wanna make anymore friends, hasn't been working out lately.

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Started reading some horror, romance, and sci-fi comics lol. Can't focus much with a headache though.

Also started trying to make socks again. Gonna be sooo happy when I have external emojis back.

💚

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Oh god my migraine, had it all day

Might play my bro's 3ds till I get tired.

💚

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Nvm, can't sleep

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Did fall asleep but had another nightmare, worst one yet and still shaken up over it. My migraine's pretty much gone though.

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I'm so happy to have my stickers and emojis back.

😂

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I feel dumb and stressing over something. Might crochet or play my bro's 3ds to calm my nerves but Idk what to play.

Gotta go shopping soon.

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I forgot to post in this more lol. I got sour gummies, ice cream, and pie.

Thought about getting hair color but can't decide between red again or brown.

Hmm

I don't like my eyes, especially how they look with red hair.

Sometimes I'm insecure about my nose or lips too.

Wish I was pretty 😔

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💚

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Of course I spend a few hrs on a drawing for the contest and it turns out horribly. Too ashamed to post it.

Idk why I bother.

Trying to get the confidence and failing. Already feeling like a laughing stock.

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Did say it was horrible lol

Well I'm never checking comments.

Really trying to calm my nerves.

I'mma just hide for the rest of the day, got a little bit of confidence and posted and regretting it.

Just did it so my bf gets confidence, feeling really outta place again.

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Well I feel much better after playing games with my bros and eating.

Thought about drawing more but man, that HP one's gonna haunt me.

Might try crocheting, still gotta finish a couple projects.

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I really gotta stop checking old posts. 😔

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Back to having a migraine.

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I also love October and Halloween lol.

Finally a day without a migraine.

Hoi 💚

😂

Still thinking about drawing more but the awkwardness of yesterday makes me wonder if I should bother.

Just remembered all my ideas though.

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Just ended a friendship with a besty

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Just got a sudden urge to write poems.

Hoi

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🥲

Things didn't workout with the new friend.

Been awhile since I checked on some people.

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Just noticed a few friends left the server.

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The things I wake up to.

Idk if I wanna make more friends after today.

Stalker situation, been awhile since I had one.

Blocked 2 already, told 'em I was uncomfy chatting anymore yet they kept trying.

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Well I'm feeling much better and looking at hair color, think I'mma stay with red but bored of my usual color.

I miss copper but Idk if I ever wanna bleach my hair again.

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Ehhh decided I'mma stick with my usual red. Got some gummies. Can't decide what to watch and crochet though lol.

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Watching Scary Godmother and reading the comics.

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Shyness

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Apparently a friend and I have the same bday.

Wish I was pretty though, especially with purple hair..

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Well I got bored of watching my fav shows lol. Started crocheting a bunny though, still gotta finish a cat and penguin.

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💚

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Well I slept great, working on my bro's hat then I'll get back to amigurumi.

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Worked things out with my besty.

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Forgot to write in this lately lol, almost done with my bro's hat and I don't like it so far. I might just keep it.

Started exercising and doing a daily goal.

Can already see myself forgetting like I always do.

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💚

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So far so good with my plan. Also got more yarn.

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💚

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Still down, usually I'm happy eating my fav soup but worried I'll never lose weight not following my diet.

Been working on my bro's hat. Might crochet a puppy.

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Already feeling much better thx to my bf cheering me up.

But yeah, was still down over that new allergy but should keep it in mind.

Was sick like 2 hrs. Much better now though.

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💚

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Can't stop thinking about my old "friends," trying to distract crocheting but it's barely helping.

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At least my friends and bf are on so chatting with 'em helps. Tried chatting in another server and got shy.

Just remembered some things I gotta crochet.

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Apparently there's a writing contest in a server I'm in sooo thinking about participating. I already have poems about autumn but uhh

Might write another.

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Might have writer's block again. Got some crochet patterns though sooo gonna focus on those.

Also started chatting in other servers.

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Bf always cheering me up though

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💚

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No motivation today and a headache. Might try exercising later though. Was down earlier, now just feeling meh.

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Feeling much better after eating and stuff, watching vids and about to start exercising.

Made a new friend

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Still wish I wasn't bad with words and made things awkward though.

Always worried I'd scare people off.

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Left the server I was starting to be active in, Idk, it was weird and barely any stickers I like.

Emojis are cool but I love stickers

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Decided I'mma try to break my bad habits. Not that it's easy but working on one and feeling much better.

💚

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Aaaaaand things with the new friend didn't work out. Idk why I try.

Don't think I'mma make new friends ever. I'mma keep appreciating those I already have and of course my bf.

Won't like anyone that's rude to him.

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I forgot about this again. Besides a little cold and daily headache I'm doing good. And I still can't decide what to crochet, might work on poems instead.

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Last day or 2 have been hectic. Had another falling out with that besty I mentioned earlier, we got in an argument and they tried ruining my relationship sooo I want nothing to do with 'em. Also ended some other friendships.

I'm feeling better and glad my bf is too.

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💚

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Lately I've been wondering who all is my friend or not.

First the thing with an old besty then another "friend" just uses me as a messenger.

🤷‍♀️

I woulda asked if they're ok if they didn't just care about someone else. Guess I needed to vent a little.

On a nicer note though, I'mma crochet a blanket for my puppy and gotta finish some other projects still.

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💚

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I'm feeling great, went to visit my grandparents and uncle and celebrated some bdays. I also got more yarn.

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A little bummed I forgot the usual emojis, was hella tired last night. But anyway, besides an on/off headache I'm still feeling great. Finally started a blanket.

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I feel so dumb, I accidently invited someone to a server while trying to block 'em. I apologized though then blocked.

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Wish I didn't do dumb things, stresses me the hell out.

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And when I'm stressed, sometimes I get selfish thoughts. Like it's better to be selfless right? I often lose track of my own mental well being to take care of others. I wish more people cared too. Guess I'm more weary now after being hurt a lot or used. I'm too forgiving and maybe it's a bad habit I gotta break.

I still miss that besty but Idk if I wanna reach out either. I can't stay mad but feels like a cycle would repeat of arguments.

I'll always be stuck in my cycle

A cycle of being useless and missing and worrying about people that don't care about me.

I hate being selfish, not like I matter compared to everyone else and of course some say otherwise but most don't act like it. People that used to mean the world to me easily tossed me aside like I was nothing. Still wish I could forget people but no matter how hard I try to, I always remember at low points.

Still thinking about quitting Discord, don't wanna leave my bf and the few friends I have left though. I hope snow's ok too.

Might try taking a break from this too or maybe the internet a day or 2.

Hmm

Just remembered how someone said I was an "easy target for trolls" back when I was more chatty. More helpful and caring.

Idk if it's shyness or just weary opening up period. 🤷‍♀️

I'm still unsure if I wanna be a CNA or not. Feels like I'm back to square one though deciding what to do with my life and as usual, fam also makes me feel useless.

Don't think I'mma ever make my mom proud. She tries to control what I do since I don't tell her anything usually. And when I did, fam discouraged me. They think I do nothing since I'm uncomfy sharing.

Still might be a teacher someday despite what 'em and an old besty said. I mean, if I can get over being called "too dumb" to be one.

That's what happens when I open up to someone I thought would be supportive and at the time I didn't tell anyone else so it felt special, instead it stung.

Still miss her sometimes.

I miss the good times and forgive the bad a lot, nobody's perfect anyway but some things are unforgivable.

And make some people unforgettable.

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Thinking about school, all the bullying but also some great teachers I had. I was always the quiet kid and barely had anyone besides maybe a small group of friends. One yr I excelled in English then another failed cause stress, mostly what to do after highschool.

And well socially anxious, like I couldn't ask for help with assignments and people looked at me weird or asked why I didn't just ask.

Always felt like a social outcast. Like I don't belong anywhere and accepted.

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Looking at colleges and sad since I just realized I'm not a people person.

Worried I can't be a teacher then or take care of the elderly like I always wanted to. Could still work with animals but Idk. Very indecisive again.

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Well my bf's up so I'm happy, also our 3 month anniversary. Feels like we've known eachother forever and I'm blessed to have such a great guy. My angel, my everything.

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Well I saw a crossword and got excited but Idk if I wanna participate in another contest.

I forgot how nice it is to vent sometimes

Might start crocheting or watching Psych, never did listen to Mortician's Daughter more lol. Haven't been listening to anything much besides music. Sooner or later I gotta listen to some podcasts.

I wish my memory wasn't the way it is.

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Good day to take a break from Discord.

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I can't take a break long, can't leave my bf and friends. And I'm feeling much better, a drive yesterday helped or well just fresh air period. Looks like it's gonna rain and might play games with fam.

For once I have motivation to write

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Well I'm paranoid and stressed again. Working on a short story though. It's based a little on a real event and people so that helps me with ideas. I'm ok

Still unsure if I'm a good writer or not though.

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Decided I'mma write a short story for a contest. Probably won't win but sounds fun.

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💚

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Well this is halfway done but Idk if I'll finish it before the deadline. It is a nice distraction though

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From this, Idk if I really wanna think about all that anymore

Makes me feel more hollow than sad. Like I used to regret it since I woulda missed out on a lotta bad things. But also the good, like joining this server and making actual friends and meeting my bf.

I can't words when I'm sad or have a headache.

Still especially grateful for my bf cheering me up.

I'm already feeling much better. Really wanna finish my story.

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💚

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Well I finished one of my short stories, the one for a contest aaaaand I can't get the confidence to submit it. 🥲

I wish I was a better writer

Idk if it's a lack of confidence or just shame since I don't think anything I make's good. 🤷‍♀️

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I submitted it. I don't think I'd win since it's not what they asked for but I had fun writing it.

I like writing, even if I end up hating my stories or thinking others would. Maybe someday I'll share one here but I write about sadness so Idk. 😔

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Well Idk if I wanna write anymore. Discouraged and crying after a convo with a friend.

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Turned off chats, Idk if I wanna read 'em or well chat anymore again. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still in this server. 🤷‍♀️

Might just leave again.

On a nicer note though, I decided I'mma finish the story I got nearly done, despite what my friend said. I wanna see how it ends.

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I wonder when I'mma stop feeling this way.

Stop being stuck in a cycle and do something with my life. Idk if I can anymore. Wish I could forget everyone that's ever hurt me but I can't. Idk why I can't. and words do hurt. Lately I've been having intrusive thoughts and I want 'em to stop.

Something that I try not to keep me down is of course my story didn't get chosen for the contest, not even in the top 10 to be read. Ik it shouldn't define my writing and I could keep trying in other contests but I can't help but feel like a terrible writer still.

That convo with my writer friend, he's not supportive of me like I am him. We haven't chatted all day cause Idk how to after that.

Still wonder if I belong here. I look at chats and my mind goes blank then wondering how to fit in.

[normal latch]

I tried so hard to forget my old friends and focus on new people. Then some new people hurt or used me which hurts anyway and it reminders of everyone, ontop of the intrusive thoughts of people that meant the world to me saying they actually hated me, never supported me, that I was nothing, and some other horrible things. I care about everyone and still amazes me how cruel or uncaring people can be. Still pretty forgiving and Idk if it's good or not. More likely to miss the few good moments and reach out when I shouldn't cause nobody cares, if not, ever did.

Still unsure if I wanna make more friends or not. Haven't been welcoming people. Idk if it's a lack of motivation or fear of making a new friend and things don't work out like they haven't been lately.

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🥲

I was never good at being hella sweet thanking people but maybe I can someday.

I feel much better after venting though. Gonna be happier when my bf wakes up. I like staying up to tell him gm.

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💚

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Well ran some errands with my mom. Was gonna vent but I've calmed down. Might vent later anyway but rn I'm enjoying a slushy and gonna write.

Annoyed to high hell though 😒

Just noticed something else to vent about though. Maybe I still need a break from this server.

Yeah, lately it's been....Off....🤷‍♀️

I'll stick around for my friends but not much else here for me.

[normal latch]

Well I'mma try to take a break again. Hope everyone's ok or gets to feeling better soon.

[normal latch]

Well I had a nice break, finished my story and working on more. Been chatting in another server and still thinking about leaving this.

It's weird, sometimes I feel outta place anywhere, not just here. If that makes sense.

Could still be shyness I guess. 🤷‍♀️

Still haven't been chatting with my friend. Kinda wanna just open and honest with him like he is me. I mean, I am but he's way more blunt. Idk if we're even friends or ever were. Barely chat anymore anyway.

Sometimes I wonder why I leave people blocked though, I think it's so I'm not tempted to care still and reach out. Don't think anyone would bug me or care to know how I'm doing so might unblock my old friends.

I had a friend that said she didn't block people cause she didn't wanna give 'em the satisfaction of 'em thinking they did anything hurtful.

Lately a part of the intrusive thoughts are of Ms. Sarcastic. Thinking of her reminds me I can't befriend everyone, something that used to sadden me but I mean, it's true. It'd be nice to have friends and nobody's lonely but not everyone's gonna get along.

Wish I didn't miss her

Been missing some others but I guess it doesn't matter. Still trying to get over being used as a messenger by someone I thought was a good friend.

Still figuring out if I matter or not.
Hard to tell sometimes.

I think I should be used to all that. Still can't decide if I wanna try to make more friends or not.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm turning cold everytime I get hurt. Idk why it bugs me how a friend said I have a "big, warm heart and would never turn cold." Makes me wonder if I'm easy to take advantage of or something. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe that's why my old friends didn't care about me, I barely care about myself.

Always worrying more about others. Still remember a friend saying I should be more mindful of my own wellbeing.

I can't decide what story to work on. I'd still like to share one here someday.

Still wish I wasn't so damn shy 😔

Might just chat on that other server still.

[normal latch]

And I'm back to feeling awkward and outta place.

[normal latch]

Ehhh I'll fit in eventually, I started chatting with my writer friend again and we're chill.

[normal latch]

Had to stay up till like 11 this morning, was gonna sleep all day. Idk if I wanna write or try crocheting something.

Still miss some old friends. At the same time though, I look back on those friendships and maybe they're best left in the past.

Still miss Jericho and Zach sometimes. I try not to think about the others.

Haven't been having intrusive thoughts though so I'm happy. Texting my bf helps, love him so much. Glad my friends are doing better too.

I think I'm healing from being hurt a lot again, feeling refreshed and belonging. Same feeling after I lost my old, close friends and joined this server. Saved my life and still unsure if I could leave and stay away.

[normal latch]

After thinking about it though, I used to love this server way more to pledge and support it and the mission but I've had more bad experiences here than good. Met some great people though but I get triggered almost every day still and I don't see many wholesome chats anymore.

Still sad lots of people left

Almost vented but after being here about 7 months Idk how to feel anymore.

[normal latch]

Well I'm feeling better already, mostly thx to my friend Alessia being hilarious and of course my bf being a big sweety.

I suddenly wanna play Pokémon Go

😂

[normal latch]

🥲

Still very grateful for 'em both. Logan, Chris, Anne, snow, and Malcolm too. Helps make this worthwhile for me chatting.

[normal latch]

Thx but not supposed to write in other journals.

Thx

[normal latch]

I'm still feeling great, lots of great people here that make me smile. Can't decide what to do still. I haven't been crocheting, might try reading.

Still gotta make sweaters and blankets for my puppies. It's getting cold out and been raining.

Wish I didn't lack motivation still.

Gonna play Uno with my fam, that usually cheers me up.

[normal latch]

Well I had fun, didn't win any games and that's ok. I miss playing volleyball and tennis.

And well table tennis and badminton.

I haven't played tennis since well dad.

Idk if I wanna go to our usual courts though and play with my bros. Would just be a reminder. Might play alone since I wanna take pics sometime.

Mom can barely move and my little bro never leaves the house. Older bro's busy with work and starting school again. Wish I had friends to play with.

Thought about reaching out to a highschool besty but she probably forgot me. She was probably the only person irl that was an actual friend. One person I think just wanted to spend time with my bro, another well...Ehhh I shouldn't think about all of 'em.

One girl friended a bully aaaand they both bullied me.

I still wonder if being bullied and going to adults for help's good or not after my situations.

Ehhh was a long time ago, not good to dwell on it. Then the intrusive thoughts start again...

[normal latch]

Should probably get my daily headaches checked out still someday. Took a pain med my mom said would work quickly but didn't. If anything my headache got worse.

Idk why I bother with 'em, takes a few hrs to work anyway and depending on what, triggers my ptsd.

[normal latch]

Feeling weak and drowsy but I'mma try to stay awake.

Thought about going on another walk.

[normal latch]

😒

I guess there's no point in complaining though.

Ehhhh whatevs, Idk if I wanna be helpful anymore. Just noticed my directing to the qotd when someone asked what the question was got deleted but nobody else's was.

Something small but still annoying

Ehhh did help when it did and that's what matters really

Might just hide those channels too, couldn't figure out a question to ask ever and I don't answer anymore. Something about seeing a nearly empty channel list makes me sad though. Like there's barely anything to do and just the more reason to leave. I miss motivational quotes and compliment above.

Now that I remember, people used to leave cause channels closed. I'm still looking forward to using the app someday.

If I'm still here, most likely won't be.

Is nice welcoming people again and wishing happy bdays though.

But I could do that elsewhere too.

Ehhh it's whatevs, I wish every server had a journal. How I leveled up mostly besides well used to chat more in Penyoo.

I still miss it being the newcomer's lounge.

It was still pretty chill, besides trolls sometimes of course.

Shoulda pinged mods, sometimes I shutdown in shock or just uncomfy so could barely do anything.

[normal latch]

Not feeling bad anymore and my bf's up so I'm happy

💚

[normal latch]

Woke up sick with a headache but feeling better already. Started some laundry and gotta run errands soon. Might visit my grandparents and go take pics, fresh air's nice and I love fall.

[normal latch]

Just did some errands, decided I'm not visiting my grandparents since they're usually resting by now. I just went to a garden and took some pics. Been awhile since I've been at peace in my mind and thoughts but it helped. Chilly out but the smell of roses, fall colors, and fresh air really helped to clear my head. 🧘‍♀️

I needed that 🥲

[normal latch]

I gotta meditate more often

[normal latch]

Well speaking of meditation, maybe I shouldn't have checked a channel.

Might start a sweater or Idk, haven't stargazed in awhile.

[normal latch]

Ehh it's too cold out, might just take another break from this server instead.

[normal latch]

But yeah, Idk if I can check some chats still.

Wholesome chats bring me such joy.

[normal latch]

Just randomly got insulted on another server. Idk if I wanna chat there anymore.

Was just starting to fit in or well be comfy chatting.

I just left it

[normal latch]

I'm ok now, might watch a movie and start a sweater.

[normal latch]

[normal latch]

I'd rather not think about why I was sad like an hr ago or well period.

Seeing a friend's journal makes me smile and laugh though cause she's so funny and cool. I'm still thinking of names lol.

Missing some old friends too again

Ehh I have a feeling we've all moved on though/hate eachother.

Giving lots of chances just hurt me. Idk if I ever made anyone happy which hurts too.

Stressed and anxious. Damn intrusive thoughts.

[normal latch]

Bf's up so I'm happy.

[normal latch]

💚

[normal latch]

Slept great for once and no backpain or daily headache yet. Love Halloween

Did notice something though, oh well.

I'm in such a great mood, might reach out to some old friends. I won't tolerate being treated badly again though.

thought of Ms. Sarcastic

I'm fine, can't even reach out to her anymore anyway. Lost contact with all my old "friends" and it's for the best.

[normal latch]

I decided against reaching out. Almost vented about someone else. Usually venting helps but I'm just reminding myself of 'em, won't help me forget and heal.

Would rather think about my bf anyway, the daily smiles and laughs.

[normal latch]

Yeah I'm ok again now. Might go get ice cream or something.

[normal latch]

Well I might take another break from this server still. On/off bummed, might meditate or run some errands.

[normal latch]

Well I had a nice break, didn't run any errands. Might go for a drive though. Ehhh not feeling like it, still wanna watch a movie or 2.

[normal latch]

Might vent about something later. I got to thinking about therapy and might look into DBT still.

[normal latch]

Think another friendship just ended. Happened so much, Idk if I'm sad anymore.

Idk how to feel. Hollow. Meh

[normal latch]

Hmm, I was jealous and maybe overthinking. I supposedly used to overthink a lot, maybe still do and I just don't realize it.

Can't find it but the person I was last gonna vent about said I overthink a lot. She was a good friend I thought, like a sister to me but I wasn't to her 😔 ....

After a bad falling out, one of many, but a final one I thought I lost my world, my everything and didn't wanna go on without her. Joined this and eventually found my actual everything. The love of my life and others that actually care about me. Why I can't stay mad even at her cause if she didn't hurt me, then I wouldn't have known about this server.

Very grateful for my friend Alessia, she's a great friend and never fails to cheer me up with memes still ❤️

[normal latch]

I miss my dad

[normal latch]

Had an episode thinking about him and some other people. I'm ok now though.

[normal latch]

💚

[normal latch]

Still a little down about earlier. Not often I think of my dad and it makes me very sad. I didn't sleep good, might take a nap later. Gotta catch up on some chores.

[normal latch]

I have a new nickname, Mila Hugs.

I like it

Used to not like irl hugs but always loved virtual ones.

[normal latch]

Now I just feel bad. Was happy Alessia gave me a new nickname but feel bad cause I worded it like I was asking for affection.

Something I'm unsure I deserve. Thx though

Can't help but be down since this morning is all I'll put, for now.

Wish these thoughts and memories would stop.

Worried I'mma have another hr long or so episode. Thinking of my dad and stuff related to him leaves a lingering sadness.

Got to thinking of some other fam and an old friend and that doesn't help. Been trying to stay strong all day.

Can't stop crying again. Can't give up though. Don't wanna leave my bf and friends. Fam wouldn't care if I hurt myself.

[normal latch]

I'm glad I didn't talk about that stuff more since I'm weary talking about triggering things. And I'm already starting to feel better again. I'm glad I worked stuff out with my writer friend since we just had a wholesome chat, helps cheer me up a lot. 🥲

I think I'm hella annoying sometimes and well a burden. I thought I just annoyed him, he said I don't and put a hug to cheer me up. Still grateful for the support of all my friends and of course my sunshine.

[normal latch]

I forgot about my chores, still kinda wanna go on a drive though. I need some fresh air again.

Not till I make sure of something.

And trying not to have another breakdown.

[normal latch]

Started to get some strong urges but got distracted. My writer friend's finally reading and judging my story.

[normal latch]

He's supportive now and giving me constructive criticism. I already feel like a better writer. 🥲

[normal latch]

I really gotta stop checking lounges sometimes

[normal latch]

Well I got some fresh air, feeling way better. Started feeling down again cause my bf was and well something else but Idk if I wanna talk about it.

[normal latch]

Rejoined that one server and Idk which lounge to avoid more. Also wondering why I unblocked a few people, don't think it matters still. Think I'mma hide channels too.

[normal latch]

Hid most channels and left that server again, already feeling much better

[normal latch]

Starting to wonder again why I stay here. Not chatting makes me feel useless and I'mma be forgotten soon. Felt like I had purpose reacting and now I don't.

[normal latch]

So stressed and worried it's taking a toll on my physical health now. Kinda wanna give into my urges, always makes me feel better. Miss my dad again

[normal latch]

Almost nonstop flashbacks and anxiety attacks the last couple days. When will this end? Can't think straight so I'm worried nothing I put makes sense.

[normal latch]

[normal latch]

Feeling much better after getting some people advice. Think I'mma go meditate at a garden. Little breaks from Discord are nice.

[normal latch]

Haven't left yet, still kinda feeling good but also a little useless since I can't cheer a few friends up.

[normal latch]

Don't think I need to meditate now. Shared lots of laughs with some friends and my bf and that cheered me up a lot.

[normal latch]

💚

[normal latch]

Well I'm still feeling great, ran some errands with my mom. Thinking of changing my display name but worried I wouldn't be recognized. Might change the title of this though but Idk what to.

[normal latch]

Still feeling good. Been taking my vitamins and that helps me feel better. Might run some errands.

So glad to have taken a break pretty much from this. So glad my bf's feeling better and might start chatting more. I'm weary of lounges still though.

Like....Last time I checked huddler I saw something horrible and that still makes me sad. I hope Penyoo's ok and wholesome still.

Yeah Idk how to feel still

[normal latch]

Yeah I'mma leave Penyoo off still, already got triggered twice today.

[normal latch]

Well I still feel good, might go on another walk later.

Hmm, Idk where my paints went but might look for 'em while I have some motivation.

Lost motivation to write the short stories, maybe poetry too. Still gotta start crocheting some sweaters.

[normal latch]

Was feeling better then got paranoid that I have another stalker. I had a few online but weird things happened irl and Idk if I wanna walk around anymore, especially at night. Fresh air's nice but a walk in the cold, late at night reminded me of when I ranaway from home too. Just some things on my mind lately and I hate it.

[normal latch]

Well besides a headache and something with my mom. I'm feeling much better again.

As usual, my friends make me laugh and well reading inspirational quotes helps.

[normal latch]

Mila's Journal

[normal latch]

For the longest time, my journal was named after who I thought was a besty almost bf. Sometimes I miss him and it took me awhile to realize he lead me on and didn't care, something I shoulda realized after he said I meant nothing to him. I'm hoping changing it will help me heal somewhat.

[normal latch]

Kinda wanna crawl into a corner and cry.

[normal latch]

I'm feeling a little better now.

So I can talk about it. I told some friends and my bf and as usual, they reassured and cheered me up a lot.
But maybe talking about it here will help me feel better too.

So I got so paranoid of a possible stalker, I rejoined a toxic server seeing if I got doxxed. Instead, I saw that lots of people left it after I did, most were friends. I was good friends with the owner but we had a falling out over trolls taking over the server we both put our hearts into. Hurts finding out it crumbled.

And sometimes lots of trolls worry me here. Lots of people left and my bf and I might still. That server was like a 2nd home to me and now this is.

Idk if it helped my stress though. I feel better but I still worry my mental health's getting worse. Haven't been having many intrusive thoughts but still anxiety and urges sometimes.

[normal latch]

I'm not as paranoid now though, plus I still feel safe with my older bro around. Still might go meditate and take pics.

[normal latch]

Played Scrabble with a friend. I haven't played in a few months but it's fun anyway. I also found my crochet hook.

I started chatting more in another server and told someone I crochet, then he called me a grandma.

I just started having intrusive thoughts again, I regret checking the server.

[normal latch]

My bf's up and always helps me feel better.

💚

[normal latch]

Slept ok, besides a nightmare I'm still shaken up over a little but I'll be ok. I gotta get caught up on chores but still needing fresh air lately so might go somewhere later.

Still gotta start crocheting too

[normal latch]

Broke down crying and having a damn panic attack. I finally get to my fav meditation place but gotta run an errand and can't calm down.

I feel like a horrible friend, feeling useless again and undeserving of everyone.

[normal latch]

Ran my errand and visited with my grandparents and played with their puppy now back at my meditation place. The same place I mentioned before except not as chilly this time. Saw a few more puppies and that cheered me up too. Besides that and this place just being peaceful, this also reminds me of my bf since his fav flower's roses and this is a rose garden. Reminds me how happy he got seeing the roses I crocheted and how happy he'll be when I give him those and real roses. I can't stop smiling at how much joy I hope I bring him like he does me everyday. ❤️

[normal latch]

Well ran some errands with my mom, might run some by myself later but besides my back hurting I'm ok. For once I don't have a headache. Cleaning my room and I still barely have any motivation but a bro's helping. Still gotta do laundry later and get some food.

[normal latch]

Didn't run my other errands yesterday. I'm almost done cleaning my room but had to help my bro with his so might finish later today. Tried working things out with an old friend but I guess they don't wanna chat. 🥲

Maybe it's for the best.

[normal latch]

Trying not to think about people that hurt me.

[normal latch]

Recently an old friend made it obvious they didn't really care about me and we're not on good terms now. Also had a misunderstanding with another friend that made me feel hella bad and wondering if we can recover. Idk how I'm not used to falling outs by now. Lately some things feel off and I kinda want space from almost everyone. Might take a break again from this server or Discord again.

[normal latch]

Why'd I come back here? Why'd I check any server? Why'd I try to work things out with anyone? I can't do this

[normal latch]

Well I had a nice break from pretty much Discord for a day. I got overwhelmed and missed my old server so much so I left every server since I kept being reminded. Good to be back though.

Plus I had another panic attack last night but working things out with those friends I mentioned earlier helped calm me down.

I'm not as stressed now. Ran my errands finally and might go get more fresh air. I've come to terms with my old server. Catching up on chores, lots of fresh air, and sleep is what I needed. Plus I've been playing Pogo and Idk how to play but it's fun. 😅

Well I was in a good mood. Just as I start feeling good, something brings me down.

[normal latch]

I'm suddenly in a weird mood

Like

I can't be helpful like I usually am

And Idk how to feel about it

Feeling hollow and wondering why I came back. Idk if I wanna leave or just take a break again though.....

[normal latch]

Don't think I took a long enough break. Idk.

[normal latch]

[normal latch]

I can't help but feel broken, not as fun here without him but I also know what's going on. And Idk if I wanna chat much still or write in this anymore.

[normal latch]

Wasn't sure if I was gonna come back to this and Idk if I'mma ask for my old tags back. Started to when I rejoined before but left so I feel annoying. And my bf's feeling way better already so I'm happy.

I've been chatting more on another server, got my besty to join too lol.

[normal latch]

Aaaand I'm still shy, ugh. Might do those charts she did in her journal.

remembers I can't pick 1 fav of anything 😭

[normal latch]

Been an off day, like days have been lately. Already had 3 panic attacks since rejoining and ended a friendship so feeling empty. Not the same without my bf here still.

[normal latch]

Feeling good again, for now. Earlier I had a lotta intrusive thoughts and got hella close into giving into an urge or 2. Trying not to drink or ruin my self harm streak but it's hard. Seems like everyday I like myself less and less, feels like it's easy giving up lately. But I'm trying to stay strong or at least going for my friends, fam, and of course my bf. But I'm also still worried I'm falling deeper with the stress and daily panic attacks.

[normal latch]

Might put my bf's message and leave again. I pretty much agree with it. Lots of great people but also some I didn't have great experiences with and seeing 'em doesn't help me feel better. I still barely feel like I belong here or anywhere.

[normal latch]

Just saw my besty's journal aaaaand sooner or later I gotta try making clay charms and jewelry again. If I get motivation. Still gotta finish those fill in charts too but I still feel boring.

But I'm in a great mood. Reading dms with my bf helps. Such an angel. He makes me so happy, how he said he'd leave if I did so I left with him too. How happy I make him.

Love him so much

Still so glad he's doing much better. I might write some poems, still gotta start crocheting too.

[normal latch]

Decided I'll ask for my other old tags back later....If I can stay long.....

I didn't have a panic attack yesterday though.

But, still a little stressed

Rather not think about it, guess I'll hide channels again.

[normal latch]

I regret reaching out to a helpline. Idk if I'mma again. I started feeling better till the person I was chatting with was rude to me and I felt so hopeless and very suicidal but some friends were on and calmed me down. Worse thing though is I told my mom....And she told my bros.

That I reached out period to try to get some help and well

They're not helping me feel better.

I hate 'em so much sometimes. Mom's worried but....Idk if my bros are....Little one called me horrible things and my older bro well....Is annoyed everyone else is harassing him. I've been telling 'em to leave me alone and that I'm ok now yet he yells at me barging down my door.

I haven't been called a drama queen in forever and it triggers so many flashbacks and Idk how much longer I can handle 'em and my intrusive thoughts.

Ik not to reach out to at least my mom for support anymore since she just has to tell everyone....I guess that's their way of being worried is by making me feel worse. My older bro has bad anger issues so of course he's always yelling anyway.

I can't stop crying and kinda wanna go on a walk but it's raining.

Someday I'm getting faraway, maybe soon but....A part of me really wants to go on a walk and never come back.

[normal latch]

And after trying to be ok all day and telling 'em to leave me alone and that I'm ok yet they keep bugging me. Starting to realize that I don't matter to 'em. Wish I could get my own place. Wish my older bro didn't move in. Guess I'll look around for an apartment and jobs.

Besides my friends and bf, there's no point in reaching out for help and support anymore. Therapy and meds never helped me. Fam doesn't care.

Granted I just tried CBT and I don't wanna think about the meds as it's a trigger. I'm still a little hopeful that DBT or something would help me but Ik CBT doesn't.

Idk if I can be helped anyway. Feels like I'm just rotting away slowly.

[normal latch]

Well I've been feeling pretty ok, besides a little stress and paranoia. I started taking a med again that helps with the intrusive thoughts and been chatting more on other servers. Also started crocheting the sweaters finally and gloves.

[normal latch]

Well weird days lately but it's all good now besides well my hair lol. I finally colored it and it's reddish orange. I'll take it over the red though that I had like junior yr cause well....I'd rather not think about highschool, especially the later yrs and I think I said why in this.

Maybe I didn't, that'd be for the best. My new friends and I are talking about hair adventures on another server. I miss my highlights.

Someday I'll fix my hair, reminds me also when I went blonde aaaaaand I don't look good with blonde hair. Anyway, I might keep crocheting Idk. Been playing Pogo and chillaxing. Had a panic attack last night after not having one in like a week and still thinking about therapy.

[normal latch]

Had a panic attack at my fav mediation place. Idk if I'll get too much into it but home now and feeling better already. Maybe I'm just paranoid. I'm ok though.

Seems like almost everytime I go out playing Pogo, people are weird to me and it discourages or well makes me weary walking around.

[normal latch]

Well besides another weird thing, I'm ok and it's so nice being home. Gonna visit my grandparents later.

[normal latch]

[normal latch]

So happy my bf's still doing good. I might write in this more Idk. I think I just made a new friend.

[normal latch]

💚

[normal latch]

Just about done with my mom's shawl finally, been working on some keychains too.

Finally asked for my old tags back, I mighta never got the courage if my bf didn't ask for his too.

I still feel annoying but the mods are so nice.

[normal latch]

I might go for a walk, been awhile since I got some fresh air.

[normal latch]

Haven't gone on a walk yet but gonna. Finally called my college to finish enrollment and phone calls makes me anxious. Also anxious starting college next spring.

[normal latch]

Yeah Idk anymore, I thought I was starting in the spring but went to look at my application since they said they needed more info (even after I sent everything over) just to see that it was cancelled and now I gotta figure out what's going on.

Anxiety's acting up again but I should talk to people and be patient if I'mma get anywhere in life. I still question if college's even for me but everyone pushes it and Idk if I can be a CNA still....Thought about switching to IT since my bf got me liking it again but Idk....I feel like I'm back to square one of feeling like I'm nothing and worthless.

[normal latch]

Starting to get discouraged again. I didn't request for 'em to cancel it. Thinking about going to another college if I keep getting a run around but surely it's a simple mistake I can work out and telling myself that helps to calm my nerves.

[normal latch]

Called and it's just a site bug on my end. It's not really cancelled. I'mma call 'em later asking about other things but yeah everything's ok....I think

I should be happy, proud and yet

Still grateful for people that make me laugh, are there during dark moments, and being supportive. Especially my bf who gives me great strength and courage.

[normal latch]

Out and about taking the bus and went shopping. I'm officially enrolled in college and gotta get all my materials now. And I got more red yarn that I hope I don't misplace.

Got a lotta crocheting to do hopefully done before Christmas.

[normal latch]

Might not crochet, might just finish what I already got nearly done. Idk if I wanna be around my fam, might not talk to 'em the rest of the day after an argument.

Might go on a walk in the rain, can't think of much else to stop my panic attack.

Wish they'd stop trying to control me, a part of me's gonna be happy moving out someday.

I should look into therapy again.

I should vent in this more often. Does help me feel better and better than arguing with fam, especially my older bro. I'm feeling better, might go on a walk anyway later.

[normal latch]

I still can't stay mad, even at fam. Bf and I are playing Scrabble, he's hella good.

[normal latch]

Hmm not sure what all to write about. 5th month anniversary of my bf and I being together. I was sick like all afternoon though but felt much better after a nap and taking some vitamins and meds. Also almost done crocheting a Christmas tree and it's a bigger project than I thought but I like how it's coming along and I still can't decide what ornaments to make.

Been solving puzzles more than crocheting but gotta try to finish a hat and gloves for my older bro.

Mighta made another writer friend.

[normal latch]

Just got home from running errands with my mom, not sick anymore but had a panic attack and slowly feeling better. Still seems like every time I'm up, something brings me down right after. Maybe I need another break from this.

[normal latch]

Had a nice break, been chatting more on other servers and hid most channels here again. Yet I'm still down.

Thinking about quitting Discord again.

[normal latch]

Decided I'mma try therapy again but that makes me anxious cause of bad experiences but I've been hella paranoid lately and anxious and my anxiety got worse since new student orientation's coming up and I'm worried I might not go.

[normal latch]

Last few days have been weird. First people in stores treating me weirdly now people knocking on my door then driving off. Doesn't help my paranoia of stalkers and just when I was feeling ok too.

Gave in and got a small bottle of alc earlier. Too much anxiety and stress lately.

[normal latch]

I just had a little a few hrs ago and feeling better now. Been crocheting, still gotta make a buncha stuff for my fam.

Having more intrusive thoughts.

[normal latch]

Slept ok, decided I'mma throw the bottle away. Reminds me too much of my dad. Still crocheting but working on some festive amigurumi, haven't been working on my tree or other stuff but I'll get around to it eventually.

[normal latch]

Just got some college stuff I gotta do. Problem is I only got like 2 weeks to do everything and Idk if I can.

Can't even prove to myself that I can get anywhere in life.

Maybe I'm useless and worthless after all. Never getting outta my mental rut.

[normal latch]

Was feeling hopeless and overwhelmed earlier but I still have some time to get everything done since it's not as much as I thought.

Probably be too busy worrying about it and well trying to get done what I can since some things are limited to like a week before classes start anyway. Won't get much crocheting done.

[normal latch]

Learned some things today and changed my perspective on life. Still grateful for everyone in my life, especially those that helped me to get better.

Might get busy making plans, Idk about college, still don't think it's for me anyway.

I tried...That's what matters, someday I'll get somewhere

I gotta get around to doing a buncha crochet still. That was something I was looking forward to but rn I don't feel like doing anything besides going on a walk.

Maybe need some fresh air I guess, maybe some sleep'd help me feel better.....Even for a few mins since lately I haven't been happy much.

I can't help but cry

[normal latch]

I'm already feeling better, got hella down earlier again. Got a feeling next week's not gonna be much better though but maybe.

Trying to stay positive....Trying not to let the anxiety eat at me but I keep getting more and more stressed....

[normal latch]

This week just started and already sucks for me

At least there's the holidays....Idk what I'mma do for my bday....

[normal latch]

Back to not chatting much

[normal latch]

Another off day.....Still my bday too....First a couple panic attacks and just got called "it" despite having my pronouns on my profile. Idk why people keep thinking I'm a bot

Guess I needed to vent a little. I'm a person with feelings and I feel disrespected, especially by people I thought were friends.

[normal latch]

Well I'm feeling much better. Gotta find a document for school and trying not to lose hope that I can't start spring.

Also turned off server dms

Might run more errands later, been crocheting a scarf.

[normal latch]

Still can't find it, guess I'll call the college when they open and tell 'em I can't start next spring.....

Idk how to tell my fam....They were so proud I finally was doing something with my life.

I can't do anything right.

I've barely been happy lately.....Still wonder sometimes if I deserve anything great in life. If I belong anywhere or if people would better off without me.

Intrusive thoughts again

[normal latch]

Besides a headache and backpain, I'm ok now. Went and got the document thing taken care of so that relieved some stress. Still gotta take care of everything else but I have a plan.

Got more yarn so I'mma try crocheting. Still gotta finish my scarf, haven't been working on it.

[normal latch]

[normal latch]

Not looking forward to tomorrow or well this week. Gotta finish getting ready for college since I'm supposed to be starting next Monday. Only a few things to do but worried it's too late.

Trying to stay hopeful but been hella anxious still and well stressed. Hella worried about my besty.

[normal latch]

It's not too late but....I can't help but feel like it's futile. I'm not looking forward to being a CNA, maybe college period.

Still haven't heard from my besty....

I just wanna give up and hide or well end everything cause I'll never get outta this damn mental rut and loops of constantly feeling sad, hopeless, and a failure.

No matter what anyone says...If I don't say it then I don't believe it and I don't see a future for me anymore.

I really wanna drink

[normal latch]

I've been feeling somewhat better awhile now since I got some college stuff done today. Only a few more things and I'm nervous about orientation tomorrow.

It'll probably go fine...Idk....I'm already feeling outta place.

[normal latch]

[normal latch]

I'm having a panic attack

At my college....I can't do this

I thought taking care of things would make me feel better but....I spaced and forgot to ask things and I'm worried I can't call about it.

Doesn't help that I have to come back in like a week to finish getting ready....Was hoping I could do everything today besides my uniforms but nope....

Not thinking of much to keep me from drinking

Still thinking about dropping out

[normal latch]

Feeling better after eating and getting some fresh air. A little annoyed about something but oh well, I'll get it worked out. I gotta make some calls since I thought I was starting next Monday but on my class schedule it says 16th aaaaaaand till March. I found that odd so I should make sure sometime.

[normal latch]

Got my uniforms, now just gotta do one more thing then I'll be ready for class

Was anxious earlier but somewhat relieved now. I just hope I can do that last thing in time since apparently I have over a week left

[normal latch]

Sooooo I just ordered my textbook since I kept forgetting aaaaand found out the program might not be covered by financial aid after all. So gotta get that sorted out, otherwise I wasted lots of money already.

I wasted so much time, money, and effort on something I may not be able to pay for now. Why they let me enroll and stuff is beyond me.

Grr, I knew I shoulda went somewhere else. I had problems with this college before but I'm trying to stay patient and gonna call Monday.

Just hella annoyed

A part of me still wants to switch programs anyway, Idk if I wanna work in hospitals.

Idk if I can without worrying about constant anxiety and flashbacks.

Guess I'll request a refund on my book, Idk what to do. I'm hella annoyed and anxious.

It's gonna be ok right? Bet everyone would tell me that. I'mma be stuck in a loop of doing nothing with my life forever. Even college wouldn't make me hopeful and happy cause Idk if I'd get a job and do all my ambitions. Maybe my bros are right about being realistic instead of chasing dreams. I'm on the verge of giving up and getting tired of reaching out to helplines, that shouldn't be an almost daily thing.

I've been looking into something called ERP therapy, apparently it helps with OCD which intrusive thoughts I think are a part of but I can't afford it. I tried some apps but like my coping skills those only go so far to help.

Sure I have my friends and bf still that calm me down and cheer me up but....Hella worried about my besty who I haven't chatted with in a week.

She was hella supportive and I miss her a lot. Hella anxious and stressed and back to wondering how much more I can take. I keep thinking about people from my past....Therapists, my med nurse, and how I was treated by someone when I was hospitalized last and I guess that makes me weary going to crisis or well therapy.

Plus I'd be going to the same place my mom has therapy and they treated her badly before. I don't wanna be treated badly by diff people but Idk. Either I'mma get better or worse and still wonder if I'm getting worse physically and mentally everyday anyway.

[normal latch]

Sometimes it's just easier to give up. Started to think that I'm not a people person after everything I've been through. I'm way more patient than I used to be though. Maybe my old friends taught me patience since I needed it at the time. One friend used to start arguments but I apologized to calm things down, she apologized like twice ever and even then stuff stings and makes me wonder how people can be so cruel. Sometimes I miss her, sometimes I miss 'em all and thought about reaching out at least to the friend I had a server with but it's all best left in the past like things should be but I hate these damn intrusive thoughts eating at me almost everyday

[normal latch]

Back to wondering if I can even go to college or not since I got an email saying I need like 6 textbooks. I'mma either call asking about everything Monday or dropout cause Idk if I can handle this much stress.

[normal latch]

Well I'm feeling better, I'll get stuff figured out and hopefully taken care of next week. Looking at diff programs again and kinda wanna be a nurse but if CNA doesn't work out then Idk, might try IT

I'mma try CNA then maybe HHA or CMA.

Feels like I'm stuck

[normal latch]

Still gotta start crocheting a bday present for my bf. I put all my motivation and focus on getting ready for college even though I still have like 2 weeks apparently. Before I was told I was starting next week...

Guess I'll start crocheting tonight

[normal latch]

Might uhh, take another break from this server. Been more focused on crochet anyway.

[normal latch]

Ehhh hiding channels work, I'd miss typing in this. Anyway just about done with a big crochet project and I love it. I'm really looking forward to the other present.

[normal latch]

Anxious about my textbook, ordered it a few days ago and worried they're outta stock or something.

Guess I can crochet, gotta get my project done.

[normal latch]

Back to not chatting here for awhile.

[normal latch]

Just got done playing a game with my little bro. I'll never understand why people ghost ping unless it's a mistake.

Yeah maybe

Well I'mma watch vids and work on something.

[normal latch]

Just paid for tuition and stuff. Gotta get my textbook hopefully this week and something on Friday then I'll be ready to start next Tuesday.

Ugh

I'm anxious again, a part of me is looking forward to going back to school but also worried I'd have another panic attack, not fit in, or if college's still even for me.

[normal latch]

[normal latch]

Maybe I'll explain later but for now I'mma isolate. Maybe I should be alone anyway.

[normal latch]

Earlier I was hella down since I saw someone I didn't like and I thought of old friends and exes treating me badly so I thought about quitting Discord but now I feel mixed emotions....Still a little down but I guess moreso happy since it's my bf's bday and relieved since my besty finally responded and is ok.

[normal latch]

Been awhile since I wrote in this, barely motivated and not much good stuff lately.

[normal latch]

Well today's my first day of college. I'm anxious and Idk if I'll get any sleep since I'm worried I won't wake up in time. I'll be ok though, still gotta get my textbook.

[normal latch]

Soooo interesting day so far

Had a panic attack since I was a little late just for the teacher being ok with us being a little late today aaaand that textbook I kept freaking out over well....Turns out I don't need it after all

We're using a diff book that she provides

And we didn't need our uniforms despite it being "required" first day

Ugh

[normal latch]

Can't even return my textbook today, hoping I can tomorrow

But the first day was ok I guess besides my teacher saying diff things from the admission counselors

[normal latch]

Having a damn panic attack again

[normal latch]

Thought of something that may ease my stress, besides drinking which I really wanna....Even alc doesn't get rid of my headaches and thoughts anymore though.

[normal latch]

[normal latch]

Took a nap but woke up anxious, trying to finish homework. A part of me still wonders if I chose the right career path and if I can even handle college since I just started and was already hella stressed and still am. Also can barely focus and thinking I'mma fail so why bother? Trying to keep calm and move along and trying to believe in myself and that I can do this but I really wanna give up and be alone most of the time. I keep making mistakes and getting more stressed.

[normal latch]

I'm feeling better since I returned the book and well got my homework done. I was hella stressed getting the book then found out I didn't really need it after all . It's a cool book though, I might get it digital but the print version was way more expensive. It's so nice getting home and chillaxing

I gotta finish an assignment, it's like halfway done. Sometimes it takes me awhile to figure things out but I'll keep trying. I refuse to dropout since I do like the program. I just feel useless and worthless sometimes but I haven't lost all hope yet. I'm still thinking about trying therapy, even if it's just CBT still.

[normal latch]

Got that assignment and the rest of my homework done so I'mma try to relax. First week wasn't so bad, I hope it stays that way. Playing a game with my bros later.

[normal latch]

Trying not to lose my mind, especially right before class starts.

Raining here so that helps to calm my nerves. Wish I had some tea

[normal latch]

[normal latch]

Had my first test and failed it. I forgot like half the answers and had a panic attack....Idk still why I bother. Just wasting my time and money to prove I'm a failure.

Also behind on homework....Kinda don't wanna try anymore.

[normal latch]

Apparently I can't dropout even though I wanna still. Checked my grade and even though I failed the test, I ace like everything else sooo I have a B and that cheered me up a little. Gotta do good on everything else and I'll be ok. Might not get any sleep though, gotta try to finish homework.

[normal latch]

Been doing ok besides something yesterday making me hella paranoid and anxious and hurt my back moving patients . My older bro's been helping with homework, not that it's always hard but I get overwhelmed and he's a good study partner.

[normal latch]

Just finished my test . Not feeling too great about it and was already anxious....I wouldn't be surprised if I failed again

I wonder when all this is gonna end . The constant living in fear and anxiety. Might still look into therapy....

[normal latch]

I got an A

[normal latch]

Been mostly ok besides a couple things stressing me out. So far I have an A overall in my class, took a test yesterday and got a B soooo anxious of failing when I don't get A's but I should be ok. Went to the lake yesterday and it was nice getting some fresh air. Took plenty of pics

Also went to the tennis courts there. Sometimes I miss playing with my dad and bros.

[normal latch]

Almost broke down crying in class. Took my test and was sure I failed but I got a B.

Still got a buncha homework though and I'm confused. Was gonna ask my bro for help but I got distracted playing games then a stressful situation last night. I might go to a park and meditate again. Been thinking about asking my bros about playing tennis but it's not the same without dad.

[normal latch]

Rushed like 4 assignments, not feeling too well still...

[normal latch]

Took a break from Discord for like a day, feeling much better but some things got me overwhelmed and hella stressed. I'm trying to not think about it all and almost hurt myself. Ran some errands and slept almost all day today so I got some much needed rest.

[normal latch]

missing a friend

[normal latch]

Today was ok besides a few anxiety attacks, got my final tomorrow and might study but I'm feeling pretty good about it. Hella worried about my besty though

[normal latch]

Kinda wanna crawl into a hole and die. Today went horribly and the rest of this week and next week may not be much better

[normal latch]

So why I was so anxious before was well my class and I, instead of a classroom, go to a nursing home and work with residents now. Besides 3 anxiety attacks, it wasn't very bad today . Not as much as I thought I had to do so I didn't get overwhelmed and either I assist a CNA that works there, did some things solo, or watched and chatted with residents

Still dk how I did on my final....Still scared to check my grade....

Wasn't a hella long day, was hella nervous when I got there but got comfy throughout the day. I can probably do this

[normal latch]

I wish I could go a day without all this damn stress and anxiety . Was feeling good then thought of a mess up and back to being anxious and feeling hopeless.....

[normal latch]

2nd day done, went ok I guess. I'm still feeling like a mess up and socially awkward but trying to make things work.

Think I'm ok

[normal latch]

I'm such an idiot

3 days left of college and I still feel like a screwup. Don't wanna do homework and go back....

But I don't see a point in trying anymore. Still don't think being a CNA's for me anyway

I'll see how tomorrow goes. I'm hoping they don't ignore me though when I asked for assistance. Said I wasn't comfy doing a task alone.

I don't wanna work there anymore. Thought about asking to be put in a new unit.

I wanna vent so badly

Doesn't always go well though. Still wish I could private this, used to have a few journals.

Trying to calm down after an anxiety attack

[normal latch]

Pretty much I'm still adjusting to a new environment and it's way diff from what we learned in school...Makes sense sure but weird seeing some.....Major changes I guess in policy, diffs in what we were taught, and how laid-back the CNAs already working there are. Still don't think it's for me or at least that place....I've been ignored like 3 times already and I'm not one to ask a lot for help so it discourages me reaching out period. Idk everything and I thought it was ok asking for help

[normal latch]

Ignored twice by a CNA and a nurse....I try to talk to people....Make convos with residents and pretty much we were told to smile and be confident working soooo I try to be despite not liking my smile, being hella shy most of the time, and well socially awkward...I'm not much of a people person but gotta try in a very people oriented job. Doesn't help though that a resident I'm doing a task for was told it's my first time doing said task soooo during it was I guess was as uncomfy as I was but it turned out fine. Of course a nurse is gonna call a task "easy" and leave me alone despite me saying I wanted her or my partner with me and said she'd be right back when she wasn't and I tried using the call light that didn't work 😒. I guess screw my questions, I couldn't leave the resident alone either.

I can't help but be annoyed a lot

[normal latch]

But yeah besides that and some anxiety attacks I'm still learning and doing ok. I do enjoy taking care of people and it's not completely new since I'm my mom's caregiver.

Lately I've been thinking about how my communication skills are...Doesn't help that I freeze up in emergencies, panic, and shutdown so can't think especially straight and forget things easily sometimes. Still wish I could forget people though

Back to being suicidal and anxious, am everyday. Sometimes I regret not going through with an attempt still.

[normal latch]

Felt like talking about it but either the censors don't work on phone or I'm an idiot. Probably the 2nd one

[normal latch]

Idk how much longer I can take all this damn anxiety and intrusive thoughts....Even when I feel a little better, I go right back to being stuck on my faults and making "little things" a big deal and not seeing that I can amount to anything ever. I hate these damn cycles.

Idk what I'd do if I wasn't distracted gaming with my bros

[normal latch]

I've calmed down, as usual my friends and bf cheered me up . Plus if I get a warning or something ever then I'd be responsible and cordial about it. Might be hard to not have an anxiety attack but gotta try to be professional. And I try to do tasks perfectly but I'm not perfect and I had to be reminded a few things and that's ok. I'm there to learn and lessons aren't always easy anyway.

Does still annoy me though how I was ignored when I asked if I could help out and well the earlier thing . I'm pretty soft spoken though and talk in a "soothing" voice aaaaand people say I'm not loud enough . Not like I wanna yell at the residents though unlike some other workers....

I've seen 3 puppies though, they always cheer me up

I do like taking care of the elderly or well people that can barely or can't take care of 'emselves but I still think I'm more of an animal person. Kinda wish I volunteered around instead of jumping into college....Oh well .

Speaking of animals, I just remembered how my unit used to have birds, a pet dog, and a cat.....The dogs I see sometimes are service animals. I always smile when I see an animal though, especially a puppy

Ehhh my journal I can talk about what I want, with tws if needed and following the rules of course but my corner

Sometimes I miss my fam in Louisiana, haven't visited 'em in almost 20 yrs. I'm weary telling people and sharing the story in this cause it was traumatic for me of our last visit and why we don't write to 'em anymore...And why I'd never wanna see and talk to my grandpa again.....Anyway they had a Labrador that was always shy and didn't even go to his owners sometimes to get food and stuff. They live in a forest and I'd see him wondering. One time I sat down meditating and he walked over and sat and let me pet him. They also had ducks my little bro and I used to feed....

I still remember the last trip so well.....I try not to think about it though.

Mighta talked about it here already anyway

[normal latch]

Well today went ok, switched units so no trouble

Did a couple manicures....Which I suck at but I'm hella careful trimming and filing

I don't get ignored or brushed off. Gotta get used to another area and it's slightly bigger but that's ok. I kinda miss my last unit....Was especially nice seeing some residents but 1 or 2 workers I'd rather not see.

Think I'm ok. I had to do an assignment and my teacher wants some feedback on my experiences since she brings 'em up to supervisors. I can't help but be anxious .

Just remembered what rumination is

[normal latch]

Externship ends in 2 days. I wish we woulda done it the entire time but gotta cover the curriculum which is the written part sooo assignments and stuff for the certification exam. Kinda diff from what we actually do though. Today I said I wasn't comfy doing a task (first time so nervous) but I wasn't alone at all this time which was nice so I got comfy and confident asking the CNA helping for advice.

Got to thinking about my good teen yrs. Missing my old besties.....Some teachers....When I'd get manicures.....I'd say simpler times but ehh not really. And I got bad thoughts. Guess remembering times period brings everything back

Why's it gotta be like that though?

I miss my last besty but....I also think about some stress and stuff... Wish I could focus on our good times but guess I'm stuck not being happy. For long at least.

Thought of a dance during Freshmen yr....That was fun I guess or one in middle school. My mom came aaaand tried dancing with me. So many people were staring

I can't dance anyway, used to take lessons but I still suck

[normal latch]

Transferred back to my old unit and today went ok. I guess a lack of communication (which is common there) with the nurse made the day before yesterday a little iffy but today went great

Even though there was a new CNA since the person that usually assists me wasn't there aaaand that was an experience when she got rooms mixed up and I was slowly remembering the layout moving people around. But it happens. Answered a buncha call lights and had to calm someone down.

[normal latch]

Last day of college and working at the nursing home tomorrow. I'mma miss some people I've met and still unsure if I ever wanna work at that nursing home again though. The workers and residents were mostly great (they don't mean harm or anything and the CNAs and nurses work with what supplies they got which isn't always much ontop of not always enough help with ADLs) and I was mostly treated right but well...Some downsides to policies still and concerns brushed off by management turns me off...

I'd vent more but that'd just be me letting off steam and not solving anything

Today was nice though. I was pretty productive, asked for assistance and got it, and had some nice convos with the residents. Yesterday when I transferred units, the CNA I was mostly assisting was so sweet. She even gave me a hug

I also told her I'm 27 and she said I looked 20

Some great caregivers there

And I didn't have any intrusive thoughts and little to no anxiety today. I listen to a song that clears my head since drinking doesn't help anymore.

But I'm tired of thinking and caring about people that flat out said they didn't care about me 🤷‍♀️ .

Idk about happiness especially for a long time but trying to feel better even if it's just euphoria. Almost attempted suicide a few days ago cause I'm sick and tired of living this way.

But the song helps, trying to feel better and not focus on negative thoughts. Thought of some positive memories earlier which was very nice.

[normal latch]

Idk when I'mma finish my homework . I have 3 assigments and hella tired. Started one but might wake up pretty early to finish. Was almost late earlier working on one. And I hope today goes well...

Getting anxious again

[normal latch]

Out running errands with my mom. Started feeling down but she cheered me up. I still gotta finish homework and gonna try to think positive again and focus on work.

[normal latch]

Well today went ok. Was my last day of college and got my NA certificate and test instructions for next Tuesday to take the state exam to be a CNA. Also got my final grade

I got an A

[normal latch]

Since graduating college, I hadn't been stressed or anxious pretty much.

Something came up and I'm worried it may be another stalker or a big troll.

Still processing it, I blocked said person and hope they move on soon.

I'mma try to calm down since I got to thinking of old stalkers and all the paranoia

Yesterday I celebrated my graduation with my fam, we had a carrot cake and Idk what I'm doing today. Been wanting to go to a garden.

Can't go 3 days not paranoid and anxious

[normal latch]

Nothing else came outta the thing from a day ago so I'm feeling better, for now. Got my state exam today but feeling sick....Didn't get any sleep either....

[normal latch]

Just got done with the exam......And I passed

[normal latch]

Back to being anxious and paranoid. I wish trolls would leave me hell alone. I'm trying to live life and feel better to then get knocked down still. And they're cruel but they'll never know how much they bug me

Besides that I think I'm ok. Out running errands with my mom and it's a nice day. Wish I could go to the park or something.

[normal latch]

Was gonna elaborate on this but Idk....Ate and feeling better, pretty relaxed and tbh I shouldn't let 'em have any power instilling fear in me. That's all they care for is being pains and I'mma keep ignoring till they get bored and go away. 🤷‍♀️

Feeling good, Idk for how long but will while I can

Think I made a new friend

[normal latch]

Oooo just remembered I was looking at going back to college for more courses and I'm still thinking about being an LPN. I gotta take a class on CPR sometime though....I think it's online then inperson but I'd have to go a city over. It's like an hr away and I guess it'd be a good reason to travel a little. I've been wanting to travel since I miss it and well someday I wanna move faraway from the place I grew up. It's home but also bad memories plus I feel like a change of scenery might be nice. Still miss Texas sometimes and still unsure if I'd ever go back to Louisiana

Everytime I went with fam to visit fam but....Well the last trip to Louisiana still haunts me even like 15 yrs later and I've yet to go anywhere alone besides when I was hospitalized. Granted last time was in a city I was unfamiliar with....

Someday I'd like to go to France and be with my bf. I still gotta learn French and get a passport though....I think my mom, uncle, and grandpa have one from when they were in Germany. Somewhere else I've always wanted to go too. Back when I was into genealogy, I'd write to fam in Berlin but we lost contact. I still gotta practice German

[normal latch]

Easier said than done, my paranoia's gotten so bad that I'm scared to sleep at night and barely leave the house. Having trouble falling asleep cause of all the damn anxiety and intrusive thoughts and nightmares don't help.

[normal latch]

been sipping on some 7up and seems to help me calm down. Still having some panic attacks but my older bro, bf, and friends have been reassuring me that I'm probably fine.

Trying to focus on applying around for jobs, taking a CPR course since I found one locally, maybe RA still, and being an LPN later.

Vc'ing with my besty

[normal latch]

Well I had fun and feeling much better

[normal latch]

Back to my damn intrusive thoughts. So grateful for what I have instead of had....What I thought I had....

Hi besty :D

I was having a moment of zen meditating

Something happened with my bros and I'm a little paranoid again

[normal latch]

Kinda relaxed again

[normal latch]

Just got off Lethal Company with my bros. Hella fun when my flashlight doesn't run out and I don't lag . I still gotta play it with Anne and Marcii sometime.

[normal latch]

Besides something with someone, yesterday was ok . I didn't have any anxiety and little-to-no paranoia. And I started taking my vitamin again since it helps me feel better. Not much planned today besides doing laundry later. Might sleep a lot or go on a walk. Might try chatting again but sometimes I'm worried I come off as awkward or weird making people not wanna chat with me.

I still gotta look into volunteering. I should get more experience as a CNA but apart of me wants to volunteer at an animal shelter too with how much I love animals. I wanna be productive but also worried I'd be hella anxious again.

I should try to get more fresh air, meditate, or both

[normal latch]

Besides yesterday being an off day, I've been doing mostly ok. Hurt my foot and an insult from my little bro got me down and I cried myself to sleep but a nap did somewhat help me to feel better. Haven't been up to much besides playing Lethal Company, been chatting more on another server. I try to chat here but....Still wonder if I belong.....

Been thinking of crocheting again but Idk what still, tried drawing earlier since my besty's been and she's a big inspiration. I can't draw though.

Plus I think of many things I wanted to draw and get overwhelmed. Same with crochet

[normal latch]

Dammit just when I was feeling better too....

My PTSD's acting up

I can't stop crying

Pretty much what happened was I was uncomfy in a dm and said I needed space from chatting till I felt better after someone talked about a topic that made me uncomfy. They then proceeded to call me rude and talk badly about me. I reported 'em but I'm scared my rep might be ruined on a server I call home.

Last time it was trolls but this time someone I didn't wanna chat with anymore then blocked...

[normal latch]

Well I'm feeling better after talking it out.

I'm so grateful for the support, as I've been saying, there's great people here and I'm blessed to have such great friends and a great bf.

Still a little shaken up but I'll be ok

Might try to meditate, wish I could go for a walk but I'm still scared to walk at night. Might go for a drive, even though someday I wanna live in the countryside, I do like the citylights plus any fresh air and change of scenery from being cooped up at home might help clear my head.

Wish I had some herbal tea or soda, 7up or ginger ale still helps to ease my stress and relax.

I've been drinking a lotta water, like a cuppa coffee somedays but trying to get away from caffeine again. Besides eyestrain from being on my pc a lot since I max out the brightness especially gaming, I think caffeine also causes my headaches.

[normal latch]

Went for a drive and feeling much better. Just went around the block pretty much listening to Fall Out Boy. Do appreciate my friends making me laugh, especially my besty reacting to my posts with random emojis.
I might try drawing again, maybe write some poems Idk.

I've been wanting to but....Well I keep 'em all together so I read ones I wrote with old friends in mind and well those sting reading at all.....

Ehhh I'll try writing some in a new doc. Won't help me move past the past thinking about 'em. I try to stay in the present cause Ik I gotta make things work somehow and try to move forward to have a future but I still sometimes have intrusive thoughts and memories creep back.

[normal latch]

Hmm, just remembered some short stories I started but haven't gotten close to finishing. I haven't felt like writing much, haven't had much motivation to do anything.

[normal latch]

Was gonna take a break from this server for like a day but missed journaling. Lately I haven't been feeling like chatting much, didn't have a good day yesterday but I won't talk all about it. Besides some body aches, I'm feeling way better.

Sooner or later I gotta call my college and ask how to go about taking 4 online classes over the summer. Been wanting to crochet but I can't decide what to make.

[normal latch]

Back to feeling outta place and awkward sometimes . Might go meditate somewhere and not be on Discord or my pc much today.

[normal latch]

[normal latch]

Hid most of the channels again, don't feel like chatting much still. Been sad the last few days, feeling useless again, and wondering if some people I consider friends here even consider me one too and care. Wouldn't be the first time someone I considered a good friend brushed me off then said I meant nothing to him anyway . Sometimes wonder if I matter or not.

Been thinking about leaving again

[normal latch]

Ehhh yeah Idk who I'm kidding. Maybe I'm nothing after all. Sometimes I wonder why I bother trying to make friends. I'mma be forgotten here soon.

Still wonder if I belong since I barely chat. Tried making friends but I'm not interesting and fun.

Maybe I should be alone and take a break from this.

[normal latch]

I'm feeling a bit better, mostly thx to Alessia and my bf . Just sad realizing that kinda stuff but I should be used to it. Besides that, I've been thinking about my dad....And drinking......So besides being in pain the last days, that's why I've been sad for the most part.

Do appreciate some hella nice people here

Hi besty :D

Really appreciate my besty, she's pretty much my twin sis

Not that I'mma advertise but we've been working on a server together. Reminds me back when I had a server with another friend. Sometimes I miss those days but I try not to too....

Suddenly wanna go for a drive, maybe a walk

[normal latch]

Felt like crocheting but can't find all the yarn I need ugh.

Ehh I'll keep looking later, playing Pogo and listening to Glass Animals still.

Might visit my grandparents. It's nice getting outta the house and I might go to my fav place and meditate.

[normal latch]

Didn't go out, mostly had an ok day though. Still unsure if I'll stay here or not. I told someone I wouldn't leave again cause I'd feel like a bother asking for my tags back but still feeling awkward.

Thinking about it, well I'mma start crocheting. I wanna make a doll

Ugh shyness still

I thought of someone I used to chat with that insulted me but don't wanna put what he said. I'm glad we don't chat anymore at least. Some stuff people said still stings even after yrs....Like the teacher comment....

[normal latch]

A little paranoid but trying to calm down, just ate and sipping on some chamomile tea. Trying to cheer a friend up.

[normal latch]

I'm useless, as usual

[normal latch]

I feel useless and like a failure when I can't cheer people up. Especially those I'm close to since I hate seeing friends or my bf sad but I'm reminded not everyone can be cheered up all the time.

[normal latch]

Might leave soon, after I do some things. Idk if I fit in and belong still. Worried I look like a weirdo since I barely chat but give items like hugs to people I've barely chatted with and hug reacts. Still bugs me being called a bot or called out for the reacts a few times and I can't help but feel like an outcast.

I wish I was way more social and supportive

[normal latch]

Finally got outta the house and running errands. At a store rn and a nice lady held the door open for me and welcomed me so kindly and I couldn't help but smile. Thought of when I went to the lake one time and a puppy ran over with his tail wagging and tried to get in my lap. Amazing how much joy animals and nice gestures bring. Even if it's just a hi or a smile, makes me smile too.

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I'm feeling way better, especially after eating. Got some bubble tea, popcorn, and rootbeer. The tea reminds me of those bottled shake things my grandma used to give me before dance class. Sometimes I miss that, girl scouts, and summer camps.

Thought of my dad though....How he used to take us to an arcade, a zoo, and a waterpark....

Sometimes I miss going to my fav froyo place with my little bro. I think it went outta business though. We also used to go to the mall, mostly for the arcade lol.

Broke down crying and missing my dad. Especially back when we'd go to the lake and play tennis. Bros and I stopped playing since it wasn't the same without him.

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I'm ok, been up all night for the 2nd time now though. I might try to sleep soon.

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Was gonna take a break instead of leaving but I had a panic attack and felt worthless. Rejoined and had another and don't think I'mma stay. This server saved my life like a yr ago but Idk for awhile now since I feel awkward and am constantly triggered. I rejoined to chat with a few friends and did. Was nice being welcomed back but I think it's best I don't stay. I've been focusing on some self care and my server so I wouldn't be active much still here anyway. I met some great people, some of which welcomed me back, some I haven't chatted with in awhile. Forever grateful for 'em and the support.

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This and last month were rough. Might talk all about it later. Still trying to get over it all and resting a lot. Got a job but that didn't work out.

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Usually helps me to feel better though....Even a little especially venting. So I was a CNA and quit after like 2 weeks cause I was treated poorly. I was improperly trained and ignored when I'd voice concerns or yelled at when I asked questions. Same place and unit I mostly did clinicals at back in college. Not that I chose what unit though and I mighta mentioned it here before.
And I broke up with my bf.

Like a week ago sooo trying to stay sane still . I've been writing in another journal.

Sad how some bad apples have to ruin everything.

Idk if I'mma work in healthcare anymore, still figuring out what to do in life.

Just checked my sis's journal

Still so grateful for her

Angel's Journal

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Been awhile since I posted in this. Going through some stuff and yesterday woulda been my 10 month anniversary with my now ex if we were still together so I was missing him and hella down. Turned off dms and FRs since people barely ever asked to do either, got some spam earlier and yeah no...

Been looking at going back to college, still unsure if I can work with people. Hella anxious so Idk what I'mma do.

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Back to feeling awkward and like I ruin chats. And I miss a few people. Was gonna try to sleep soon but got intrusive thoughts and noticed another friend left....

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Think I'm breaking a habit and hoping I can finally heal from it.

Might add more context later but that'd be a vent and I'm trying not to stay angry and sad thinking of old friends that hurt me.

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Of course my sis being on and being ok cheers me up. Loving her new pfp too

Changed mine too since I'm changing, for the better I hope

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Ugh I'm so nervous, I signed up for a class and it's mostly online but worried I'mma fail or forget

I've been looking forward to taking it for awhile now though

Idk, might not like it after all, some things just won't be for me.

On a good note I went shopping and got haircolor, my fav red

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Been awhile since I posted in this. Been busy running errands and spending time with fam. Feeling a bit down since a friendship ended. Maybe it's for the best though when I communicate a problem, my feelings, and willing to make things work but the other person doesn't care. I'd explain more but trying to calm down

Sooner or later I gotta make some phone calls. Wish I could go swimming but apparently the pools near me are being renovated

Ugh

Sometimes I miss canoeing, visiting fam period....Getting away from the place I grew up...Still dk if I'mma ever move faraway from my fam. Apart of me still wants to but rent's insane and Idk if I'd ever own a house.

Something annoying though....Ehh might vent more later.....Been thinking about my exes.

And tbh, I shouldn't, try to think of the good times but I also think about the abuse. Intrusive thoughts....I still gotta look into going back to college and therapy.....

Still can't decide what I wanna do career wise, feels like I'm back to square one and stuck

Thought of....What my fam said.....And got even more annoyed....

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Back when I was in college, big bro was like "convinced my sis to go to into CNA" or something like no. I convinced myself since I've been wanting to take care of people and wanted more skills taking care of my mom and grandma. Thought of that one qotd, the dream career or something and wanted to put that I used to wanna be an OB/GYN, restaurant owner, or wedding planner but felt socially awkward posting as usual. Can see my fam discouraging me from all those careers if I told 'em though.

Mom well....Put something on her socials but deleted it soon after. Was about me going to college but something else she probably shouldn't have announced.

So nice chatting with friends or journaling about random things distracting myself. My little corner

So grateful for my friends and sis still

Hi sis :D

Be awkward if someone else was reacting and I just assumed they were my sis cause I'm busy typing

Always cheers me up

So grateful for her and my other friends for sticking by my side, through thick and thin. My sis's the best sis and friend I could ever ask for

Maybe going outside would help my annoyance....Haven't gone to the lake or a garden in forever....

And no, nothing my sis or other friends did/said. Thought of someone from another server.

Idk, tempted to leave that server again but I'd lose my roles and sis and I match pfps

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Tired of people saying they care but not acting like it. I feel used, uncared for, unappreciated, insulted, or tossed aside or all of the above by some people I used to know.

Still wish I could forget 'em all

But Idk if I can ever forgive either

Tried to, for my own sake, but it's hard not staying angry sometimes. Not that I could do anything anyway since I lost contact with 'em a long time ago.

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Maybe I need a change of scenery. Fam reminds me that I should get out and about instead of being on Discord much or well pc period. I regret not keeping in contact with a couple people from work and college. They're nice people I clicked with. Sometimes I miss my old besty from highschool.

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Turned FRs and dms on since I joined a new server and insta got spam

Felt like trying to make friends but discouraged.

Ehhh just remembered I do prefer to chat on servers first awhile rather than people just outta the blue dm'ing or FR'ing me. Both of which I prefer for people to ask to do still. I get it, some people are shy and barely chat on servers but it's a preference for me chatting awhile publicly. Like let's be server friends first and chill that way.

Of course right after I put that my shyness starts....Started chatting on that new server and so far so good

Nvm

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Still wondering if I belong anywhere, wish I wasn't hella awkward

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Went and got food and snacks, got my sis to join that server

And I thought I just made chat awkward ugh

Think we're having fun, been awhile since I've been active chatting anywhere.

So it's a nice change from posting in this

HI SIS

Stop embarrassing me :C

As usual I got so confused . Still wish people asked to dm me...So far I've had 4 people dm me outta the blue and someone asking to and I said I prefer to chat more on the server first but thanked him for asking.....He then asked if I was saying yes or no to him dm'ing.....

Just be like ok, that's fine just wanting a yes or no

Guess I'm used to explaining my feelings and preferences....Also love how my sis brought up sibling rivalries when I was gonna first

But we have fun together, she lights up every chat and is funny af

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Finally did some phone calls and glad I got 'em done but also it was awkward. Ugh

Started doing the online work for that class coming up

And well nervous, still looking forward to it but worried it might be something I turn out not really liking or am not good at.

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Ran some errands and home chillaxing. About to play card games with my bros

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We played Uno and ate pizza. Idk what I'mma do tomorrow besides homework. Next week I gotta call my college and ask about registration for online classes for the LPN prerequisites this fall. Also gotta call a hiring manager for a job I've been wanting.

Losing my damn mind....Might go talk to my fam or something instead of being on Discord for awhile....

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Went downstairs and talked to my bros, feeling a little better. Might try crocheting or something.

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Ehh think I'mma close my dms and FRs again. Too many people not respecting my preferences and stuff...

I wanna crochet but Idk what

And back to feeling hella awkward and like a social outcast

Just remembered I was gonna meditate sometime...Might now...Back to wondering why I chat outside of this....

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Finally colored my hair and think I missed some spots again. I hope it's not as bad as last time....