#Novas thoughts

1 messages · Page 3 of 1

midnight compass
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Small things like, perhaps catching yourself on thinking about something other than constant overthinking and reviewing the past

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Nova, you are aware of your mistakes and flaws, in a way that most people lack, your post made me see even more hope in you

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You understand yourself, you're not just whining of your problems, you pointed out what you want to change

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So? They way I see, for now, time needs to pass. Of course the feelings and emotions will sooze, but for now - start small

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Anything can be a triumph for you to be happy with, even if you simply clean your room, or do your bed

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For love part, It's a matter of time, so, don't go harsh on this and on yourself

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And you're still learning

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Trust me, I can see the progress

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You are strong, but being strong doesn't ease the pain

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Sometimes you need to bear with this pain, only then you finally feel the happiness you seek

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Again, Nova, you're a strong and hopeful fellow, I am proud of seeing you slowly but steady making progress, don't give up just yet - because you are able to do more

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I believe in you Nova, for infinite times I say it, but I mean it

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🫂🫂

desert venture
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thank you for consistently believing in me, even your smallest messages mean much, i’m so very glad you take time out of your day to show that you care or understand..most times i sound like a broken record or like i just whine so much but, i really do appreciate it

midnight compass
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No matter how you sound or what you say - it is your feelings

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And I'm glad that I can help, even at slightest 🌻

midnight compass
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So don't be ashamed of sound like a broken record, because broken can be repaired.

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Also

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Sarti is right, green tea does relieve stress

desert venture
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Merry christmas..

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i woke up several hours ago

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something upsetting happened today

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it’s pointless to dwell

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i should be happy it’s christmas

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growing up is realizing

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the best gifts can’t be bought with money

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idk

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all i can think is

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why why why why why

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that’s all that runs through my head

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i don’t know what to do

desert venture
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I’m choosing to be happy today

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that’s my choice

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nothing will stop me from enjoying christmas this year

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my friend and his family were nice enough to get gifts for me

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i’m not used to more than one or two gifts for christmas

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and i know they got me 5

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five gifts..

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they could’ve gotten me nothing

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and i won’t wouldn’t have batted an eye

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honestly i wish they did get me nothing😹

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but they did

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there’s people that care about me

desert venture
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i’m so utterly greatful for my friends family

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no one in my family really celebrates and includes me anymore

desert venture
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so

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im beyond appreciate of these people

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it almost makes me wanna cry

desert venture
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Feeling a little down this morning

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but the good thing is that

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i woke up a reasonable time

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5am is quite literally the most perfect time to wake up in my opinion

desert venture
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i’m feeling okay right now, though i’m not 100% i’m not sad and that’s what’s important

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im at my moms place reading tokyo ghoul

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and though it wasn’t much had spent time with someone i deeply care about

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and that made me happy too

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i read the last half of tokyo ghoul volume three and a decent portion fo the fourth volume

desert venture
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i’ve been keeping busy so i haven’t been had time to write in my journal

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or sit in my own thoughts

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but i’m up

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i woke up 5am sharp again so that’s nice

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i’m at my moms place

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i’d give it another 5 hours before she wakes up, make breakfast, and gets ready to leave so i’ll be here for a while longer

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it’s silent and dark in the house

desert venture
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idk man

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maybe i was never good enough to begin with

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can’t see why anyone would like me

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i had a dream last night

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a very very weird dream

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i was back in school

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not high school

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it was middle school

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remember because of the faces

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or at least the voices and faces whom i thought id recognized

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i remember walking in the halls past my old gym

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taking a peak inside and seeing everyone doing pe activities

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it seemed so normal

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so real

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i don’t often have dream this vivid

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i walked into a classroom and i sat down

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it was so alive it felt like i had an interaction with everyone in there

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i don’t remember what i said or what the classmate behind me said or what i said to spark this interaction

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all i know his he said something

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and i replied with

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“that’s so weird” or “you are really weird” in a joking way because i’m assuming he said something bizarre and silly

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and the mood just shifted it’s almost like the classroom became silent

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he goes “i’m weird? look at you”

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and he stares at me and i look around and everyone is staring at me i even look up at the teacher and they are js wide eyed staring at me

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it was a very uncomfortable dream

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i woke up right after that

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kinda funny when i think about it lol

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idk what im going to do

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this shit pisses me off

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i don’t get why i’m so fucking different

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i hate relying on people a

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i hate it

desert venture
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fuck her man

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fuck her and him together

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fuck them both

surreal spire
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theres no way she got another one

desert venture
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it doesn’t matter

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it’s a friend

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it doesn’t even matter

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there’s no point in giving a fuck anymore

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i’m just disposable

surreal spire
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ohhh ohh

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nononono

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don't even say that

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you're just misunderstood

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and i see it

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you are truly a good person

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you don't deserve calling yourself that

desert venture
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i love tool and a perfect circle

desert venture
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but like idk

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i think alot people around me think that way

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that im someone they can just get rid of

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if they had to or if i was inconveniencing them

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that’s how i feel to this person sometimes

surreal spire
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ohhh

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i dont really know what to say bcuz never was in situations like this

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but

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everything is behind now

desert venture
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she will probably call me when i wake up

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the way i’m feeling right now

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i won’t pick up

desert venture
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if i fell asleep for any longer i would’ve been eaten

surreal spire
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dont

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ignore her as much as you can

desert venture
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i don’t think

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i’ll be alive for much longer

desert venture
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that’s it

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idk if this is it or not

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probably isn’t

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shell unblock me and dance on my feelings again

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pretending everything is okay

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but idk if she doesn’t i guess that’s all the more reason to just forget

surreal spire
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also can say something before blocking

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show her

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don’t let her hurt you again

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hurt back

desert venture
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it’s too late for me

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i give up this time

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idk why i let myself live in this fantasy for so long

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it feels so good to say i give up

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i just can’t anymore

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she doesn’t care

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nobody understands

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no one will ever understand

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and like always

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by the time i see a light at the end of the tunnel

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it’s always too good to be true

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having hopes is pointless

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having dreams is pointless

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expecting a positive outcome is pointless

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some people are destined for shit

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nothing but shit

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that’s all life has taught me

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wether you grow up in the middle of a warzone or you are left rotting neglected and abused

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some people are forced to grow up

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and society and life chews them up and spits them out

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everything they have

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there’s no way people in life can live happily unless others suffer

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i’m just a fucking statistic

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my life is an absolute comedy

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i won’t let anyone who doesn’t understand my pain tell me how i should feel

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or what i should be doing

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i’m so tired

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i never wanted much in life

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i js wanted to be a good person, be able to take care of myself, and to die with people i care about by my side

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everything in life is work

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i have to earn those things

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i envy and loathe people who’s lives are void of pain and understanding of those who deal with addictions and traumas

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those people are cancer

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my friend understands my pain

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but even he has resources

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i have nothing

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nothing

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and whatever i may have thought i had when i was a kid

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was js a facade

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all of it is gone

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because it was never there to begin with

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never

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i was born a mistake

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thrusted into this disgusting world by irresponsible people

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dwelling on it is pathetic

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complaining is pointless

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but i can’t do anything

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no one understands how stuck i am

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not just emotionally or mentally

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i’m quite literally fucked

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because i have no resources

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all i have is myself

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and the sooner i realize that

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is the sooner i’ll ever be able to do anything

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no one truly has anyone

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very few people do

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very few

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i have so much hate and anger and resentment towards everything in life

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it’s so hard to keep it inside

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and there’s people who dismiss those feelings as arrogance and weakness

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those people dont understand either

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ive only ever watched conflict my whole life

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no one understands

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its so hard

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well

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that’s it

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and all those words are meaningless too

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everything leading up until this point

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has felt meaningless

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i wish i could js kick my own ass

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i really need my ass beat

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😭

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no one’s above getting their ass kicked in life

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some people like me deserve one every once in a while loool

desert venture
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even though we still talk

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i’ve given up

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she isn’t mine anymore

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she never was

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she has her own life

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and i have mine

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it’s sad letting go

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it’s sad

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very sad

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but i wont cry

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and i’m sure sooner or later i’ll stop talking to her eventually

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i’m tired of caring

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i’m tired of my feelings not being reciprocated

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and it’s almost relieving

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i don’t care anymore

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whatever happens to me happens

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and that’s how life has always been

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“it is what it is”

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i can’t count how many times i’ve had to chalk it up to that

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it is what it is

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i don’t see wealth or peace or anything in the future

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so i at least wanna die a good person

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i think i could rest is easy if a while after im gone the people i love could share and laugh about times they had with me no matter how my life turns out

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i just want to make others happy and proud of me

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after this last year

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a lot of things are gonna change

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i don’t think i’ll be taking to anymore women even in a friendly manner

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i dont want to

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this year has been hell

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absolute hell

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the amount of impact this year had on me is unbelievable

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i look behind me and i js see a path of destruction as far as the eye can see

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body’s of people i hurt and lied to

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i js want to be better

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i grew up too fast as a kid

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now i’m clinging onto it all like some helpless runt

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it’s hard to accept what was robbed from me

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it’s hard letting go and accepting it all

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but idk how else i’m supposed to move forward

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if i sit here i’ll die

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i miss my friends

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i wish i never moved from where i grew up

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if i my dad didn’t try to fist fight me while drunk that day maybe i would’ve stayed

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can’t believe those days are almost 3 years old

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i miss walking to Anthony’s house basically living there every weekend

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and all summer lool

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staying up all night playing games

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watching movies

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riding bikes

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and long boarding in the summer

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i miss riding bmx and hanging out with marco

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getting into trouble

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i miss my friends down there

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life at home was terrible

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but those people are what kept me moving

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loool

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those days all i ever wanted was a girlfriend lmaooo

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now i dont even wanna talk to girls

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man i was a goofball back then i didn’t have a shot with anyone😭

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wired eyeglass frames and a side part💀

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i was a total dork and a loser

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but in all honesty that kid was much cooler than me now

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i miss him

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i miss who i was

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i was a sweet kid

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i wish i was never introduced to drugs or girls or anything related

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that’s when i really really became a loser

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i don’t smoke nearly as often as i used to

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but it definitely changed me

desert venture
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i wonder if i’ll ever be happy

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if i’ll ever stop being a lazy lying deceiving piece of shit

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sure ive gotten better

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not enough though

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i’ll never hurt someone like i’ve done before again

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that’s all i can count on

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i say i want to be more than that though

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and i haven’t done anything

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laziness

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i js wish i wasn’t a failure

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changing is harder than people think

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i’m alone now

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i’m trying to pound that in my head

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no one’s gonna save me except myself

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nobody cares

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and that’s not a bad thing

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that’s js how i need to look at things

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i know no one is going to save me

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people have their own lives

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relying on other people and being a burden is embarrassing and weak

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and that’s not me

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i’m not weak

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i’m already aware that if i don’t learn that now

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i’ll js end up losing more until i do

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my whole life i’ve always learned the hard way like that

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an when things got better i got complacent and lazy

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i want to break that cycle so fucking badly

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i tell myself that and i js can’t

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doesn’t that make me insane???

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i don’t know

desert venture
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what a lame ass thing to say

desert venture
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fuck her

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i don’t care

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not anymore

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i have problems

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who is she

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leading my feelings on

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ruining me

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every day

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i hate her

desert venture
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well that’s it man

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usually this would be the part where i chase her but

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i’m tired of that too

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i guess it’s come full circle

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oh well

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it fucked up

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it was all my fault

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and i tried picking up the pieces

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but

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it was too late

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too late

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i was too late

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i wish i wasn’t

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oh well

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i had a lot of good times with her

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my heart cry’s thinking about them

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trying to grasp and hold onto her was like trying to hold onto sand

desert venture
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idk man

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it suck’s

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i hurts a lot

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i haven’t cried

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it’s js welling up inside me

desert venture
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she won’t get out of my head

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i cant stand it

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i hate how i care so much

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when she doesn’t care one bit

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not one bit

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she tells me she’s not choosing but fuck her

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IM TELLING HER HOW IT IS

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i made her chose

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and that’s who she wants

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fuck me

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fuck everything

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it hurts

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so badly

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why do i care

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it hurts

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it hurts

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she doesn’t care

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so why should i

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why do i

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i wish i never got rid of anyone for her

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fuck me

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i had a fucking dream she texted me

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i had a dream about her

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waking up to her messages

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i want to die

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why won’t she js stay the fuck out of my head

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SHE DOESNT CARE

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why don’t i get that already

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js let me die already

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i need her out of my head

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i give up

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she chose him

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every single time

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i give up

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it’s all gone

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memories and love long gone

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i’ll miss it more than anything in the whole wide world

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but she doesn’t

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not one bit

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it’s over

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she wants it this way

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that dream really fucked my head up

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well

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that’s it huh

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2 months just like that

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gone

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not even

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everything else is gone too

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at least for her

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our memories mean nothing to her

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or at least not as much as they do to me

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she wants him

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oh well

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it’s better i’m not a choice at all anymore

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fuck it all

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this was always going to happen

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she always ran to him

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she always knew how i felt about it

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i hope i disappear

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i don’t want anyone else

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for the rest of my life

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i’m done talking to girls

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i’m done

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fuck it all

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i didn’t think it’d hurt this badly after everything

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i was convinced i didn’t care

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oh well

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time to move on man

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i hope she lives a good life with him

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i hope

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time to move on

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at least i’m glad we got to call a few times like old times

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it felt good hearing her laugh

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it was the best feeling in the world

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it was like breathing in fresh air

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i could’ve died and been happy listening to her laugh

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it was everything to me

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everything

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it was everything

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goodbye

desert venture
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if i end up somewhere

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or dead

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and anyone sees this

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js please please please know

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that life was good

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it wasn’t bad at all

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i smiled at some point even when things were at their worst

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and i loved people

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more than anything i cherished people and personalities

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and i had lots of love

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and lots of dreams

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and i was a good person at some point

desert venture
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i just realized while doing all this

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i’m too scared to die alone

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i don’t think i have much longer to live

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but i dread dying alone

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this journal has turned into nothing but negativity

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and doubt

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i’m very sad

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why can’t i just not care

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why do i care

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it’s pointless to care so why do i care

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how stupid is it that i know it’s pointless but i do it anyway

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i thought she was different

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but i guess she was greater in my eyes

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i hate this

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i hate it more than anything

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i loathe her for this

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what the fuck is the point in even writing here anymore

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i’m going to delete this shit i think

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it’s js complaining

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it’s all pathetic

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i’m pathetic

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i don’t belong and that’s why i’m slowly going to die

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i’ll become a faint stain on this entire fucking existence

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and that will wash away too

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maybe everyone ought to be better off once im gone

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i’m a burden

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to everyone

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this journal was a failure

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it’s not helping me

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i hate this all

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i’m so alone

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i can’t get up on my own anymore

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why’d this all have to happen

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fuck

desert venture
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i’m deleting this

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i lost the only person i truly loved

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and my self destruction was too much

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thanks to everyone here who gave me words of support despite my lack of change and progress you people are all good people and i admire you

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i’ll be closing this post and whatever happens after that is whatever happens

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Goodbye everyone this thread closes soon

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i’m closing this sooner than i thought actually

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on the offhand i might make a new journal with less negativity and more about my daily life and interests then that will be nice

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if i don’t come back or make a new thread i might done something terrible to myself

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but i don’t think that’ll be the case

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on the rare chance she sees this

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i loved you

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more than life itself

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i’m sorry

desert venture
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deciding to open this post back up now that i’m in a better mind state

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i definitely needed some time to myself in order to keep my own thoughts productive and consistent rather than be completely negative and alll over the place while i think it’s important to be able to be negative sometimes it’s not always good to create more negative energy on top of yourself and your already pre existing despair

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not to say i’ve gotten in better in just a weak but

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my minds a little clearer

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much hasn’t happened over the week

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i’ve spent more time with friends

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and i’m currently working on finally getting into college

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and im seeing the doctors

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reading tokyo ghoul which has been

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absolutely amazing

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i obviously still think about my ex everyday but

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it’s not so bad

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right now i’m having trouble with a friend

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she’s been a good friend to me

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but as of recent i think she’s getting too close

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i don’t like her romantically at all

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nor will i ever

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never ever

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it’s hard even being friends with her for a reasons i won’t bring up

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but aside from all that she’s been cool

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i’m hoping it’s not for that reason

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but it kinda pisses me off yk

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like every time i hang out with her the last 3 days it’s upset me

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made me angry almost

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and the reason i bring this up now is because

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she asks me about my bio and blah blah blah

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and i say yeah it’s about my ex

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and she goes “if she came back would you drop me”

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and i’m pissed

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cuz why tf would you even ask such a dumb question

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i don’t want to seem like an asshole

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but she knows the answer to that question ive always been honest about it

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yes i would a million time yes i wouldn’t even think or hesitate about it

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idk what to do

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she’s been too nice to js say

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fuck off

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or ghost them

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i’m thinking is

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*js

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slowly

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lose contact with them

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so idk

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that’s what ima do

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or js speak to them as little as possible

desert venture
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plus

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i also made a promise to my ex

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and as well as wanting to be alone

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i said i wouldn’t ever talk to anyone else so

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the thought of another relationship lowkey disgusts me

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even though the odds i’ll ever be with my ex are close to zero

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i’d still rather be alone for a long time

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i’ve spent 19 other years on this planet alone

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i’m sure i’ll be js fine

desert venture
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i think of Kanekis ideal a lot

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now that i’m reading a lot of tokyo ghoul lol

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it’s been my hyper fixation

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instead of becoming the person who hurts people become the person who gets hurt

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and that ideal

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clashes with his ghoul nature

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which is to kill and eat people

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sort of like human nature

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to lust and to be greedy

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it’s almost like the ultimate self discipline

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and i really really REALLY want to learn that

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i want to learn discipline

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but i think the hardest thing on earth for me and for others

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is that very thing

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some of it is also self respect

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like do i really want to be a disgusting person who cheats and lies and manipulates?

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is that all my life would have amounted to if i chose that path?

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people sit their much like i did and say

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“well everything is done for a reason„

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but there is no excuses

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i find myself struggling to really hold myself that standard

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i need self respect

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i need discipline

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it’s hard

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really really fucking hard😭

desert venture
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js kinda broke down and cried

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for like the first time in a week over this whole thing between me and my ex

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it’s hard man

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but hey today is gonna be good so that’s alright

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and tomorrow

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jjk thursdays are back for the first time in 2 years

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so that will be awesome

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but i just miss her

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a lot

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so much

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so damn much

desert venture
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anyways i told my other friend that

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i don’t like where our friendship is leading

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i wasn’t trying to be an asshole

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but i told the it was beyond disgusting and the idea of it really doesn’t even sit well with me at all

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so that’s how it’s gonna be

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ngl

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i’m very upset

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not like bed ridden upset but

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idk man

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i’m happy though cuz i’m going to the doctors to get looked at here

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so that will be nice

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and my slides came in the mail

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they didn’t fit on christmas so i got a smaller pair

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my feet are so small lool

desert venture
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i’m up

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i’m bored

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i’m not motivated

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BLEH

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i wish i could like

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erase parts of my memory😭

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some stuff is worth forgetting fr

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i want to read

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i wish i had someone to rant and talk to about my manga to ngl

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idk

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bleh bleh bleh

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i feel like shit

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rn

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UGH i don’t understand why i feel like this

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i want to read

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i’m js being a bitch ass chud

dull summit
desert venture
dull summit
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I wish you best luck w her

desert venture
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told them it can’t happen

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the idea of a relationship while being friends js ruins the whole thing

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maybe you should take that advice

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it’ll never be the same

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so i got rid of them

dull summit
#

i aint being w anyone or even thinking about it

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pissoff

desert venture
#

neither have i

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i wish you js gave me your other email

dull summit
#

?????

desert venture
#

i was destroyed when you didn’t answer on new years

dull summit
#

I saw it

#

no idea what you mean tho

desert venture
#

about what

dull summit
#

email

#

what??

desert venture
#

you said i don’t have your other email assigned to your profile that’s why you didn’t get my call or something

#

unless you js ignored me

#

which is fine

dull summit
#

its not another email its my main email u texted meon

#

i never got anything

#

mayb cuz youre blocked?

desert venture
#

then what was the point of ur repost

#

did you even want to talk to me?

#

wish you could js unblock me

dull summit
#

no not after hearing that

#

check my profile

#

you

#

dumbass?

desert venture
#

i don’t understand

dull summit
#

what do you think buddy

desert venture
#

i didn’t even do anything wrong

#

all i’ve been doing is missing you

dull summit
#

wonder if shes another 16 year old or 13 like last time

desert venture
#

do you even check my profiles

dull summit
#

yea I do

desert venture
dull summit
#

so what

desert venture
#

i’m not talking to anyone

#

ugh

dull summit
#

goober this goober that goober suck my ass

#

it rhymed

desert venture
#

can you just talk to me

desert venture
#

all i do is miss you i’m sorry

dull summit
desert venture
#

can you just unblock me

dull summit
#

i said

#

vheck my prifule

#

CHECK MY PROFILE

#

LOOK

#

uvebeen unblocked since ive EVEN TEXTED IN THIS

desert venture
#

just wow

#

i put everything into my promise

#

and i get shit

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i js wanted to talk about my manga and call and play shwarma shack and have fun

#

why do i have blow fucking everything

dull summit
#

well ngl im glad u did that w ge

#

her

desert venture
#

IM MOT

#

I DIDNT

dull summit
#

tell me who you mean

desert venture
#

stop accusing me

dull summit
#

i need you to confirm it

desert venture
#

the only person i played that with was nate

#

confirmed what

#

i didn’t do shit

#

god

#

if you wanna talk to me then do it but don’t accuse me of wanting anyone but you asshole

#

i put my soul into it

#

all i think about is you

#

all my reposts are about you even the ones you wouldn’t think

#

so stop that shit

dull summit
#

IS IT HER

desert venture
#

NO ITS NOT HER YOU ASS

#

FUK

#

I DKNT GET THAT EVEN MATTERS

#

fuck me

#

if you wanna talk unblock me

#

i’ve done nothing but try

#

try and try

dull summit
#

it matters a lot

#

if you dont wanna tel me

#

sure

#

but dont expect anything frommme

#

i bet playing massacre was super fun

desert venture
#

i’m not

dull summit
#

i know all about ut

#

i know more than u think

desert venture
dull summit
#

and i will find out more

desert venture
#

i know exactly what you know nora

#

i don’t have anything to hide

dull summit
#

its like my talent hehe

desert venture
#

all i talk about is you

#

can you talk to me

#

this place isn’t for this

dull summit
#

im not the one making it difficult

desert venture
#

You are nora

#

i’m for you

#

and no one else

#

can ask anyone i know

#

especially nate

#

your all i fucking think about

#

wether i like it or not

dull summit
#

aww but maes so cute

#

the 14 year old girl

#

U PLAYED ROBLOX WITH DAILY AHH!!

#

vc everydaaay

#

U EVN PLAYED SHAWARMA!

#

oh

#

poopie

desert venture
#

why do you do this

#

me and her were friends

#

and even now

#

we don’t talk anymore

#

and that’s all there is to it

#

i haven’t even unblocked her on discord

dull summit
#

doesnt matter

desert venture
#

i’m for you

dull summit
#

she likes you so might aswell be w her like you did w all the other girls

desert venture
#

that’s all there is to it

#

i don’t care who likes me

#

unless it’s you

#

sorry

dull summit
#

evan you js too attached

#

honestly get over me

desert venture
#

wow

dull summit
#

i regret getting with you so early

#

i wish we stayed friends for atelast a while longer

desert venture
#

i’m sorry

dull summit
#

but you love bombed me

desert venture
#

hurts so badly that meant nothing to you even if it’s a little bit

#

you don’t have to say anything nora

#

i want to talk to you

#

but do what you need to do

#

i’m alone

#

and i’ll be here for as long as i am

#

i’m not over you

#

but i’m not bothering you

#

i js wanted to talk

still zodiac
#

Guys, take it to dms.

desert venture
#

thank you

still zodiac
#

I’m locking this post for now.