#Novas thoughts
1 messages · Page 3 of 1
Nova, you are aware of your mistakes and flaws, in a way that most people lack, your post made me see even more hope in you
You understand yourself, you're not just whining of your problems, you pointed out what you want to change
So? They way I see, for now, time needs to pass. Of course the feelings and emotions will sooze, but for now - start small
Anything can be a triumph for you to be happy with, even if you simply clean your room, or do your bed
For love part, It's a matter of time, so, don't go harsh on this and on yourself
And you're still learning
Trust me, I can see the progress
You are strong, but being strong doesn't ease the pain
Sometimes you need to bear with this pain, only then you finally feel the happiness you seek
Again, Nova, you're a strong and hopeful fellow, I am proud of seeing you slowly but steady making progress, don't give up just yet - because you are able to do more
I believe in you Nova, for infinite times I say it, but I mean it
🫂🫂
thank you for consistently believing in me, even your smallest messages mean much, i’m so very glad you take time out of your day to show that you care or understand..most times i sound like a broken record or like i just whine so much but, i really do appreciate it
No matter how you sound or what you say - it is your feelings
And I'm glad that I can help, even at slightest 🌻
Feelings are intended to be shown and spilled out, another why, why do we need feelings at all?
So don't be ashamed of sound like a broken record, because broken can be repaired.
Also
Sarti is right, green tea does relieve stress
Merry christmas..
i woke up several hours ago
something upsetting happened today
it’s pointless to dwell
i should be happy it’s christmas
growing up is realizing
the best gifts can’t be bought with money
idk
all i can think is
why why why why why
that’s all that runs through my head
i don’t know what to do
I’m choosing to be happy today
that’s my choice
nothing will stop me from enjoying christmas this year
my friend and his family were nice enough to get gifts for me
i’m not used to more than one or two gifts for christmas
and i know they got me 5
five gifts..
they could’ve gotten me nothing
and i won’t wouldn’t have batted an eye
honestly i wish they did get me nothing😹
but they did
there’s people that care about me
i’m so utterly greatful for my friends family
no one in my family really celebrates and includes me anymore
Feeling a little down this morning
but the good thing is that
i woke up a reasonable time
5am is quite literally the most perfect time to wake up in my opinion
i’m feeling okay right now, though i’m not 100% i’m not sad and that’s what’s important
im at my moms place reading tokyo ghoul
and though it wasn’t much had spent time with someone i deeply care about
and that made me happy too
i read the last half of tokyo ghoul volume three and a decent portion fo the fourth volume
i’ve been keeping busy so i haven’t been had time to write in my journal
or sit in my own thoughts
but i’m up
i woke up 5am sharp again so that’s nice
i’m at my moms place
i’d give it another 5 hours before she wakes up, make breakfast, and gets ready to leave so i’ll be here for a while longer
it’s silent and dark in the house
idk man
maybe i was never good enough to begin with
can’t see why anyone would like me
i had a dream last night
a very very weird dream
i was back in school
not high school
it was middle school
remember because of the faces
or at least the voices and faces whom i thought id recognized
i remember walking in the halls past my old gym
taking a peak inside and seeing everyone doing pe activities
it seemed so normal
so real
i don’t often have dream this vivid
i walked into a classroom and i sat down
it was so alive it felt like i had an interaction with everyone in there
i don’t remember what i said or what the classmate behind me said or what i said to spark this interaction
all i know his he said something
and i replied with
“that’s so weird” or “you are really weird” in a joking way because i’m assuming he said something bizarre and silly
and the mood just shifted it’s almost like the classroom became silent
he goes “i’m weird? look at you”
and he stares at me and i look around and everyone is staring at me i even look up at the teacher and they are js wide eyed staring at me
it was a very uncomfortable dream
i woke up right after that
kinda funny when i think about it lol
idk what im going to do
this shit pisses me off
i don’t get why i’m so fucking different
i hate relying on people a
i hate it
theres no way she got another one
it doesn’t matter
it’s a friend
it doesn’t even matter
there’s no point in giving a fuck anymore
i’m just disposable
ohhh ohh
nononono
don't even say that
you're just misunderstood
and i see it
you are truly a good person
you don't deserve calling yourself that
i don’t feel disposable
but like idk
i think alot people around me think that way
that im someone they can just get rid of
if they had to or if i was inconveniencing them
that’s how i feel to this person sometimes
ohhh
i dont really know what to say bcuz never was in situations like this
but
everything is behind now
she will probably call me when i wake up
the way i’m feeling right now
i won’t pick up
if i fell asleep for any longer i would’ve been eaten
that’s it
idk if this is it or not
probably isn’t
shell unblock me and dance on my feelings again
pretending everything is okay
but idk if she doesn’t i guess that’s all the more reason to just forget
If she try to play on your feelings again, block her instantly
also can say something before blocking
show her
don’t let her hurt you again
hurt back
it’s too late for me
i give up this time
idk why i let myself live in this fantasy for so long
it feels so good to say i give up
i just can’t anymore
she doesn’t care
nobody understands
no one will ever understand
and like always
by the time i see a light at the end of the tunnel
it’s always too good to be true
having hopes is pointless
having dreams is pointless
expecting a positive outcome is pointless
some people are destined for shit
nothing but shit
that’s all life has taught me
wether you grow up in the middle of a warzone or you are left rotting neglected and abused
some people are forced to grow up
and society and life chews them up and spits them out
everything they have
there’s no way people in life can live happily unless others suffer
i’m just a fucking statistic
my life is an absolute comedy
i won’t let anyone who doesn’t understand my pain tell me how i should feel
or what i should be doing
i’m so tired
i never wanted much in life
i js wanted to be a good person, be able to take care of myself, and to die with people i care about by my side
everything in life is work
i have to earn those things
i envy and loathe people who’s lives are void of pain and understanding of those who deal with addictions and traumas
those people are cancer
my friend understands my pain
but even he has resources
i have nothing
nothing
and whatever i may have thought i had when i was a kid
was js a facade
all of it is gone
because it was never there to begin with
never
i was born a mistake
thrusted into this disgusting world by irresponsible people
dwelling on it is pathetic
complaining is pointless
but i can’t do anything
no one understands how stuck i am
not just emotionally or mentally
i’m quite literally fucked
because i have no resources
all i have is myself
and the sooner i realize that
is the sooner i’ll ever be able to do anything
no one truly has anyone
very few people do
very few
i have so much hate and anger and resentment towards everything in life
it’s so hard to keep it inside
and there’s people who dismiss those feelings as arrogance and weakness
those people dont understand either
ive only ever watched conflict my whole life
no one understands
its so hard
well
that’s it
and all those words are meaningless too
everything leading up until this point
has felt meaningless
i wish i could js kick my own ass
i really need my ass beat
😭
no one’s above getting their ass kicked in life
some people like me deserve one every once in a while loool
even though we still talk
i’ve given up
she isn’t mine anymore
she never was
she has her own life
and i have mine
it’s sad letting go
it’s sad
very sad
but i wont cry
and i’m sure sooner or later i’ll stop talking to her eventually
i’m tired of caring
i’m tired of my feelings not being reciprocated
and it’s almost relieving
i don’t care anymore
whatever happens to me happens
and that’s how life has always been
“it is what it is”
i can’t count how many times i’ve had to chalk it up to that
it is what it is
i don’t see wealth or peace or anything in the future
so i at least wanna die a good person
i think i could rest is easy if a while after im gone the people i love could share and laugh about times they had with me no matter how my life turns out
i just want to make others happy and proud of me
after this last year
a lot of things are gonna change
i don’t think i’ll be taking to anymore women even in a friendly manner
i dont want to
this year has been hell
absolute hell
the amount of impact this year had on me is unbelievable
i look behind me and i js see a path of destruction as far as the eye can see
body’s of people i hurt and lied to
i js want to be better
i grew up too fast as a kid
now i’m clinging onto it all like some helpless runt
it’s hard to accept what was robbed from me
it’s hard letting go and accepting it all
but idk how else i’m supposed to move forward
if i sit here i’ll die
i miss my friends
i wish i never moved from where i grew up
if i my dad didn’t try to fist fight me while drunk that day maybe i would’ve stayed
can’t believe those days are almost 3 years old
i miss walking to Anthony’s house basically living there every weekend
and all summer lool
staying up all night playing games
watching movies
riding bikes
and long boarding in the summer
i miss riding bmx and hanging out with marco
getting into trouble
i miss my friends down there
life at home was terrible
but those people are what kept me moving
loool
those days all i ever wanted was a girlfriend lmaooo
now i dont even wanna talk to girls
man i was a goofball back then i didn’t have a shot with anyone😭
wired eyeglass frames and a side part💀
i was a total dork and a loser
but in all honesty that kid was much cooler than me now
i miss him
i miss who i was
i was a sweet kid
i wish i was never introduced to drugs or girls or anything related
that’s when i really really became a loser
i don’t smoke nearly as often as i used to
but it definitely changed me
i wonder if i’ll ever be happy
if i’ll ever stop being a lazy lying deceiving piece of shit
sure ive gotten better
not enough though
i’ll never hurt someone like i’ve done before again
that’s all i can count on
i say i want to be more than that though
and i haven’t done anything
laziness
i js wish i wasn’t a failure
changing is harder than people think
i’m alone now
i’m trying to pound that in my head
no one’s gonna save me except myself
nobody cares
and that’s not a bad thing
that’s js how i need to look at things
i know no one is going to save me
people have their own lives
relying on other people and being a burden is embarrassing and weak
and that’s not me
i’m not weak
i’m already aware that if i don’t learn that now
i’ll js end up losing more until i do
my whole life i’ve always learned the hard way like that
an when things got better i got complacent and lazy
i want to break that cycle so fucking badly
i tell myself that and i js can’t
doesn’t that make me insane???
i don’t know
what a lame ass thing to say
fuck her
i don’t care
not anymore
i have problems
who is she
leading my feelings on
ruining me
every day
i hate her
well that’s it man
usually this would be the part where i chase her but
i’m tired of that too
i guess it’s come full circle
oh well
it fucked up
it was all my fault
and i tried picking up the pieces
but
it was too late
too late
i was too late
i wish i wasn’t
oh well
i had a lot of good times with her
my heart cry’s thinking about them
trying to grasp and hold onto her was like trying to hold onto sand
idk man
it suck’s
i hurts a lot
i haven’t cried
it’s js welling up inside me
she won’t get out of my head
i cant stand it
i hate how i care so much
when she doesn’t care one bit
not one bit
she tells me she’s not choosing but fuck her
IM TELLING HER HOW IT IS
i made her chose
and that’s who she wants
fuck me
fuck everything
it hurts
so badly
why do i care
it hurts
it hurts
she doesn’t care
so why should i
why do i
i wish i never got rid of anyone for her
fuck me
i had a fucking dream she texted me
i had a dream about her
waking up to her messages
i want to die
why won’t she js stay the fuck out of my head
SHE DOESNT CARE
why don’t i get that already
js let me die already
i need her out of my head
i give up
she chose him
every single time
i give up
it’s all gone
memories and love long gone
i’ll miss it more than anything in the whole wide world
but she doesn’t
not one bit
it’s over
she wants it this way
that dream really fucked my head up
well
that’s it huh
2 months just like that
gone
not even
everything else is gone too
at least for her
our memories mean nothing to her
or at least not as much as they do to me
she wants him
oh well
it’s better i’m not a choice at all anymore
fuck it all
this was always going to happen
she always ran to him
she always knew how i felt about it
i hope i disappear
i don’t want anyone else
for the rest of my life
i’m done talking to girls
i’m done
fuck it all
i didn’t think it’d hurt this badly after everything
i was convinced i didn’t care
oh well
time to move on man
i hope she lives a good life with him
i hope
time to move on
at least i’m glad we got to call a few times like old times
it felt good hearing her laugh
it was the best feeling in the world
it was like breathing in fresh air
i could’ve died and been happy listening to her laugh
it was everything to me
everything
it was everything
goodbye
if i end up somewhere
or dead
and anyone sees this
js please please please know
that life was good
it wasn’t bad at all
i smiled at some point even when things were at their worst
and i loved people
more than anything i cherished people and personalities
and i had lots of love
and lots of dreams
and i was a good person at some point
i just realized while doing all this
i’m too scared to die alone
i don’t think i have much longer to live
but i dread dying alone
this journal has turned into nothing but negativity
and doubt
i’m very sad
why can’t i just not care
why do i care
it’s pointless to care so why do i care
how stupid is it that i know it’s pointless but i do it anyway
i thought she was different
but i guess she was greater in my eyes
i hate this
i hate it more than anything
i loathe her for this
what the fuck is the point in even writing here anymore
i’m going to delete this shit i think
it’s js complaining
it’s all pathetic
i’m pathetic
i don’t belong and that’s why i’m slowly going to die
i’ll become a faint stain on this entire fucking existence
and that will wash away too
maybe everyone ought to be better off once im gone
i’m a burden
to everyone
this journal was a failure
it’s not helping me
i hate this all
i’m so alone
i can’t get up on my own anymore
why’d this all have to happen
fuck
i’m deleting this
i lost the only person i truly loved
and my self destruction was too much
thanks to everyone here who gave me words of support despite my lack of change and progress you people are all good people and i admire you
i’ll be closing this post and whatever happens after that is whatever happens
Goodbye everyone this thread closes soon
i’m closing this sooner than i thought actually
on the offhand i might make a new journal with less negativity and more about my daily life and interests then that will be nice
if i don’t come back or make a new thread i might done something terrible to myself
but i don’t think that’ll be the case
on the rare chance she sees this
i loved you
more than life itself
i’m sorry
deciding to open this post back up now that i’m in a better mind state
i definitely needed some time to myself in order to keep my own thoughts productive and consistent rather than be completely negative and alll over the place while i think it’s important to be able to be negative sometimes it’s not always good to create more negative energy on top of yourself and your already pre existing despair
not to say i’ve gotten in better in just a weak but
my minds a little clearer
much hasn’t happened over the week
i’ve spent more time with friends
and i’m currently working on finally getting into college
and im seeing the doctors
reading tokyo ghoul which has been
absolutely amazing
i obviously still think about my ex everyday but
it’s not so bad
right now i’m having trouble with a friend
she’s been a good friend to me
but as of recent i think she’s getting too close
i don’t like her romantically at all
nor will i ever
never ever
it’s hard even being friends with her for a reasons i won’t bring up
but aside from all that she’s been cool
i’m hoping it’s not for that reason
but it kinda pisses me off yk
like every time i hang out with her the last 3 days it’s upset me
made me angry almost
and the reason i bring this up now is because
she asks me about my bio and blah blah blah
and i say yeah it’s about my ex
and she goes “if she came back would you drop me”
and i’m pissed
cuz why tf would you even ask such a dumb question
i don’t want to seem like an asshole
but she knows the answer to that question ive always been honest about it
yes i would a million time yes i wouldn’t even think or hesitate about it
idk what to do
she’s been too nice to js say
fuck off
or ghost them
i’m thinking is
*js
slowly
lose contact with them
so idk
that’s what ima do
or js speak to them as little as possible
plus
i also made a promise to my ex
and as well as wanting to be alone
i said i wouldn’t ever talk to anyone else so
the thought of another relationship lowkey disgusts me
even though the odds i’ll ever be with my ex are close to zero
i’d still rather be alone for a long time
i’ve spent 19 other years on this planet alone
i’m sure i’ll be js fine
i think of Kanekis ideal a lot
now that i’m reading a lot of tokyo ghoul lol
it’s been my hyper fixation
instead of becoming the person who hurts people become the person who gets hurt
and that ideal
clashes with his ghoul nature
which is to kill and eat people
sort of like human nature
to lust and to be greedy
it’s almost like the ultimate self discipline
and i really really REALLY want to learn that
i want to learn discipline
but i think the hardest thing on earth for me and for others
is that very thing
some of it is also self respect
like do i really want to be a disgusting person who cheats and lies and manipulates?
is that all my life would have amounted to if i chose that path?
people sit their much like i did and say
“well everything is done for a reason„
but there is no excuses
i find myself struggling to really hold myself that standard
i need self respect
i need discipline
it’s hard
really really fucking hard😭
js kinda broke down and cried
for like the first time in a week over this whole thing between me and my ex
it’s hard man
but hey today is gonna be good so that’s alright
and tomorrow
jjk thursdays are back for the first time in 2 years
so that will be awesome
but i just miss her
a lot
so much
so damn much
anyways i told my other friend that
i don’t like where our friendship is leading
i wasn’t trying to be an asshole
but i told the it was beyond disgusting and the idea of it really doesn’t even sit well with me at all
so that’s how it’s gonna be
ngl
i’m very upset
not like bed ridden upset but
idk man
i’m happy though cuz i’m going to the doctors to get looked at here
so that will be nice
and my slides came in the mail
they didn’t fit on christmas so i got a smaller pair
my feet are so small lool
i’m up
i’m bored
i’m not motivated
BLEH
i wish i could like
erase parts of my memory😭
some stuff is worth forgetting fr
i want to read
i wish i had someone to rant and talk to about my manga to ngl
idk
bleh bleh bleh
i feel like shit
rn

UGH i don’t understand why i feel like this
i want to read
i’m js being a bitch ass chud
wish you’d talk to me
I wish you best luck w her
i don’t even talk to them
told them it can’t happen
the idea of a relationship while being friends js ruins the whole thing
maybe you should take that advice
it’ll never be the same
so i got rid of them
what do you mean yea
i aint being w anyone or even thinking about it
pissoff
?????
i was destroyed when you didn’t answer on new years
about what
you said i don’t have your other email assigned to your profile that’s why you didn’t get my call or something
unless you js ignored me
which is fine
its not another email its my main email u texted meon
i never got anything
mayb cuz youre blocked?
then what was the point of ur repost
did you even want to talk to me?
wish you could js unblock me
what do you think buddy
wonder if shes another 16 year old or 13 like last time
do you even check my profiles
yea I do
ew she’s not anyone at all
so what
can you just talk to me
i’m sorry
all i do is miss you i’m sorry
kinda getting ready for bed now
can you just unblock me
i said
vheck my prifule
CHECK MY PROFILE
LOOK
uvebeen unblocked since ive EVEN TEXTED IN THIS
just wow
i put everything into my promise
and i get shit
i js wanted to talk about my manga and call and play shwarma shack and have fun
why do i have blow fucking everything
tell me who you mean
stop accusing me
i need you to confirm it
the only person i played that with was nate
confirmed what
i didn’t do shit
god
if you wanna talk to me then do it but don’t accuse me of wanting anyone but you asshole
i put my soul into it
all i think about is you
all my reposts are about you even the ones you wouldn’t think
so stop that shit
IS IT HER
NO ITS NOT HER YOU ASS
FUK
I DKNT GET THAT EVEN MATTERS
fuck me
if you wanna talk unblock me
i’ve done nothing but try
try and try
it matters a lot
if you dont wanna tel me
sure
but dont expect anything frommme
i bet playing massacre was super fun
i’m not
it was okay it gets boring quick
and i will find out more
its like my talent hehe
im not the one making it difficult
You are nora
i’m for you
and no one else
can ask anyone i know
especially nate
your all i fucking think about
wether i like it or not
aww but maes so cute
the 14 year old girl
U PLAYED ROBLOX WITH DAILY AHH!!
vc everydaaay
U EVN PLAYED SHAWARMA!
oh
poopie
why do you do this
me and her were friends
and even now
we don’t talk anymore
and that’s all there is to it
i haven’t even unblocked her on discord
doesnt matter
i’m for you
she likes you so might aswell be w her like you did w all the other girls
wow
i regret getting with you so early
i wish we stayed friends for atelast a while longer
i’m sorry
but you love bombed me
hurts so badly that meant nothing to you even if it’s a little bit
you don’t have to say anything nora
i want to talk to you
but do what you need to do
i’m alone
and i’ll be here for as long as i am
i’m not over you
but i’m not bothering you
i js wanted to talk
Guys, take it to dms.
thank you
I’m locking this post for now.