#Novas thoughts

1 messages · Page 2 of 1

desert venture
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i love someone who doesn’t take me seriously, my heath is going downhill, my life is js a mess and it’s js

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overwhelming as much as someone could imagine

surreal spire
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woah

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NO SORRY

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I DIDNT MEANT WOAH

desert venture
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your cool man no worries

surreal spire
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oh

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thanks man

desert venture
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yeah ofc

surreal spire
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i appreciate that very much

surreal spire
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and this guy still hurts you

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no matter how MUCH you trying him to understand

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the reason i dont sleep normally is him

surreal spire
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i'm worried

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checking his reposts

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checking his all

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I REALLY don't know how to help him

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i'm mad at him because he's thinking that im lying about how much i need him

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atp i'll just forget about him

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were you typing something or its just me

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sorry for this complaining

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i got too emotional

desert venture
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it’s fine i understand what it’s like to try and get through to someone who doesn’t wanna listen

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or simply don’t care to listen

desert venture
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but my case is nothing like yours

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i really did hurt the person i loved

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so much it’ll never be the same

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so whatever you do sartid, js be honest with them and yourself about everything

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and if you truly love them

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NEVER let anyone or anything in the way of that

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protect it with everything

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because sometimes those people are all we got

surreal spire
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it’s over

desert venture
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hey welcome to the club

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i blocked her too

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it’s over

surreal spire
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thats amazing

desert venture
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for good this time

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yeah it’s something alright

desert venture
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im around and a friggin bout

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anyways

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my friends are goated

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they made me cool art

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👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

dull summit
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i hate you

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yk i used to draw too

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u lookin for ppl like me again i bet

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having all my interests weirdly enough

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but you would have never ever done this

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you better fucking unblock me

desert venture
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ridiculous stuff honestly

surreal spire
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oh

desert venture
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twin

desert venture
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today was a waste

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but at least my heart doesn’t feel like it’s gonna fall out of my chest rn

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the next few days are uncertain

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i may call my mom and try and spend time with her

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i said i wouldn’t cry

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but i keep contradicting myself

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i probably won’t write in here the rest of the day so

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goodnight

surreal spire
surreal spire
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you have all right to cry

desert venture
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idk man

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all i’ve done is contradict myself

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crying js makes it worse

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i feel like it’s all js a game sometimes

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and i honestly fucking suck at this game

surreal spire
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just need some time

desert venture
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i’m lucky to have my friend nate

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he’s the only person who could make me laugh at a time like this

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i love bunii

IMG_8661.png
surreal spire
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having friends like him is peak

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will make you laugh in every situation

desert venture
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fr he was js telling me the funniest thing that happened to him at work

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i was laughing so loud lmao

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and we are gonna hang out when he gets home

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so that will be fun

surreal spire
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wish you good day with him

desert venture
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thanks dude!!

desert venture
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TELLL ME THE BETTER DAYS ARE ALL UP AHEAD OF ME

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IT MAKES ME FEELS SOO GOOD WHEN YOU LIE LIKE THAAAAAT

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bunii is my goat

desert venture
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i’m up and around

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wish i slept longer thoo

desert venture
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haven’t been up to much

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mostly js a lot of thinking

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lots and lots of thinking

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idk what to feel anymore

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about anything

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i tried going back to sleep but i can’t

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been thinking about smoking again

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it’s been a while since i have

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not because i’ve had the urge to

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and i know it sounds cliche

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but im js am so tired of feeling anything at all

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i probably won’t though i don’t even feel like going out of my way to get anything

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plus

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everyday has seemed like a blurr

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i practically don’t get up to do anything

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and i usually have only had 1 meal every 18 hours

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i don’t get up for much

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i’ve lost 5 pounds within the last 2 weeks

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i doubt addding weed into the mix would make things better

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i’d js be more inclined to staying still

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i hate winter

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it makes me 110 times worse

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so depressing

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as much as i think it’s a bad idea

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i’m seriously thinking about florida

desert venture
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i love this song

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it reminds me of a better timemahito_hehe

desert venture
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i hate disappointing people

desert venture
desert venture
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feeling like a terrible friend rn

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idk how i let it get to this

desert venture
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today has been a weird day

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it was different

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from most days

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idk wether to be happy for sad sometimes

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i’m so tired

desert venture
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i don’t want anything for Christmas but i’m getting stuff anyway

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i hate getting gifts especially from people i don’t talk to enough

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and i don’t really talk to anyone

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even when they reach out

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no matter if they are family or not

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idk what wrong with me

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i js can’t bring myself to care about anyone in that way let alone myself

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i js wanna be alone

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and undeserving of those gifts

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i don’t want anything

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getting gifts isn’t wasn’t what it’s about for me

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same with my birthday

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i feel like i could care less about those things

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i don’t deserve gifts

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and because i don’t deserve them

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it’s hard for me to be happy to accept them

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but not accepting gifts is disrespectful

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i don’t want to exist right now

desert venture
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so tired of people treating me like shit when i try my hardest

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that’s all people do is make me feel worse

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they act like they give a shit when you are low

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they don’t care and they don’t understand

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i hate this

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this was all a waste of time

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no one will understand how i feel

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no one

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idc if that sounds immature or cliche

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i hate everyone

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people make me sick

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their the only reason i’ve became this way

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the apple NEVER falls far from the tree

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blaming gets me nowhere

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but i hope those people suffer

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no one ever gives me a chance

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even when i deserved it

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i hate myself

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and i hate everything

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i won’t go far with this mindset

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i just want to melt

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i almost don’t care what happens to me anymore

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i’m js looking for a greater reason to die atp

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goodnight

desert venture
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that’s it

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i don’t think there’s room for me anymore

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seeing it makes me sick to my stomach

desert venture
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i’m thinking about deleting the journal again

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i’m tired of it js being me bitch about everything

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i can’t vent to anyone

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no one really understands

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no one understands who i am

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i feel dirty and disgusting

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sometimes i can’t even relate to myself

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i’d trade the world for things to just be different

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i guess on a positive note

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christmas is soon

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i don’t celebrate like i used to but it’s nice i guess

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probably the only time of the winter i like here

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peoples decorations are awesome that’s one of my favorite parts

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i wanted to take pictures of some houses but it seemed creepy to do that lool

desert venture
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i can’t sleep

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i feel like

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my schedule is going right back to how it was before

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i hate this

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why can’t i js sleep normally

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i don’t feel an ounce of tiredness

desert venture
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aye im boosted again

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todays been okay

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tired obviously

desert venture
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never again

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i don’t know why i waste my time on people

midnight compass
# desert venture i’d trade the world for things to just be different

It is sometimes hard to believe - that you can change. Especially if you have treated yourself badly, did some bad stuff, or, perhaps, think that you're a bad friend.
But there are different types changes. First one may seem easy, but is mostly useless. You give everything just to change, you keep convincing yourself, that you're doing it for the good, fixing yourself, kind of.
When in reality, constant thoughts of "I NEED TO BE BETTER, I NEED TO CHANGE" are just chasing you in an endless cycle, while you're giving every ounce of yourself, just to get a slight realisation of what have you done, or fail completely, falling into abyss of your own mistakes once more, completing the cycle, once again.
And then, there is a second choice, may seem easy, on paper, but it is harder - to accept and see things in a different tone.
Yes, it sounds obvious, and, sadly, I can't give you some tips HERE (Not publicly, well). But, this option of "Changing" - is letting you rest. Accept yourself, that what's the hardest thing here. Accepting your fault, past mistakes, your flaws... Its insufferable, but yet, needed in order to actually change.
You see, this is why I said "easy on paper", it's truly easy to say "accept what you are", but in reality, realising what you truly are, and seeing what you're able to actually fix in yourself usually takes a lot of time, courage and patience.
It's not just to accept, it's a whole lot of things that you need to understand, and hopefully, be able to achieve, in order of seeing yourself in a bright pink tone once again.

desert venture
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who can’t reciprocate a mutual respect

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whoa uh

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😹

midnight compass
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And, well, most of people could say cut contacts with em, but, then why keep them around if you can just cut them off anytime?

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Some say to talk it off, but most of a time, peiple won't listen, due to, as you said, not even trying to show some respect

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And some say to give them same treatment, which is okay, but it's a little childish, mostly

desert venture
# midnight compass It is sometimes hard to believe - that you can change. Especially if you have tr...

i understand, i’ve changed a lot already js within the last 2 months even and that’s because i had learned to accept the fact that i had done something wrong but it also allowed me to take control of that and change it, i don’t ever plan on making that mistake again it just feels like that’s all ive dedicated myself to in that time in order to get improve but the problem was is that my reason for changing at all was mostly for someone else and not for myself and now it’s hurting me a lot..idk what to do rn times like right now it feels like it was pointless really

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sorry for the bad grammar

midnight compass
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Don't worry about grammar, mine sucks too

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But, back to the topic

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YES THAT'S IT, UNDERSTANDING IS THE FIRST STEP TO SUCCESS

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But

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Yes, it hurts realising you changed so much, not for yourself, but for someone else

desert venture
midnight compass
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And, when I said "letting yourself rest" I also meant it as giving you time, time for yourself

desert venture
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i js expect less and less everyday

midnight compass
desert venture
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part of me js wants them to feel how i feel right now

midnight compass
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Messy in a way, well, it's fucking hard to get what you need, from poeple who won't dare to listen

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Sadly, I learnt my lesson the worst way I could

desert venture
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yeah i often learn my lesson the hard way no matter what im doing lol

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i’m sure that’s where i’m headed

midnight compass
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Lessons are usually taught only by yourself

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Life lessons, of course

midnight compass
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Not ghost, but just taking the time to lay down and think about anything your brain gives you

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I may say something important, but I can't say here, not for now, not after what I did here👁️👁️

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If you want or need, up to you, you can dm me or ask me to dm you, I'll brb to prepare my bed for sleeping HARDCORE.🪄🪄🌺🌺🌺🏔️🏔️🏔️🍕

desert venture
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they don’t seem to care so

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why should i yk?

midnight compass
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Yeah, i do, but still, leaving people behind is not so easy as it may seem

desert venture
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it’s not like i’m leaving behind i’m js trying to expect the bare minimum from this person because that seems to be all i’m fucking getting

midnight compass
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So, checking their profile, looking if they're doing something at the same server - is fine, since it's hard to just let go.

surreal spire
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🍿

midnight compass
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Well, may I ask, how well do you know each other, or how much of a bond you have right now?

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Do you truly need them around?

desert venture
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we have a long history, a very complicated and long history

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i’m beyond attached to this person

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i mean one would say i love this person

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no matter what

midnight compass
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Alright, i understand

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Well, yeah, as I can say, It's harder that i thought

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But, all though it's may seem impossible, not now, not in the future, but, eventually you'll have to let go

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If you see how the person you care for, doesn't seem to change, or doesn't want to accept their fault at slightest, means that, well, it's a matter of time until you may leave them

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See, I don't mean it's a one way path, they might catch the realisation, but, if you truly did everything you could, it's only up to them...

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Sadly, I can't help you fully, since I do not know the full picture. Bit I've been trough similar stuff, and, I was also in pov of person that does not seem to care.

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So, that's why I'm here

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I gotta go sleep, cuz college tomorrow, and tomorrow I'll be back, keep us informed in the journal Nova, I wish you great luck with everything.🤝

desert venture
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i’m in hell

midnight compass
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Even even "hell", still lies a seed of hope

desert venture
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i js want to destroy everything

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honestly

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i’m so angry rn i couldn’t describe it

midnight compass
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You need to calm down to think clearly. Go grab a cup of water, warm if possible, go and lay down completely straight, and breate deeply, inhale with you nose, exhale with your mouth

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Instead of thinking of destroying, think of anything that brings you joy, anything good happened, and if you think there's nothing? Think about the sky, think about the sun, flowers or anything you like more

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Fight your melancholic thoughts. "But the sky is cloudy today" But the rain gives enough water for beautiful flowers to grow, "Yeah but the flowers will rot" And they'll produce a natural compost to grow more flowers, or even help a mighty tree to grow, "But the tree can be cut down" then it'll turn into paper, on which a kid will draw their first ever drawning.

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Nova, it sounds impossible, but everything is fixable abd changeable.

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I've been thorough what seen to be impossible, and I've never felt better in my last 5 years

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So, trust me when I say, in time, everything you worry about now, will be fixed. Problems will never go away, they just change is sizes, big problems, small problems, doesn't matter

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But that's the thing, problems always change, and most one of them if not every of them, can be fixed

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Don't give up.🫂

desert venture
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thank you

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a bunch

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i appreciate the wisdom

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i wish i could thank you properly

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i will be better

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and your right about letting things go

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i would have rather died as lovers then to have been friends with her at all

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so things are going to change

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it’s hard missing something you broke

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i realize that more than anything

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it’s worse than ending on good or bad terms

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and it’s worse than just bad

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i could get cheated on and lied too again

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but i don’t think i could ever hurt someone again

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i think i’d die regretting that

desert venture
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but i’m done crying over spilled milk

desert venture
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dawg

midnight compass
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So, I wish you genuine luck, and power to stand against all the hard times, chores and problems you have right now.

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Staying strong might be hard, but it worth having a clear, happy mind

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🫂

desert venture
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ayyye i’m up at a normal time today

desert venture
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i’m up again today lool

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i should probably go back to sleep seeing how i have not gotten much sleep

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i’m feeling guilty

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less than

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even though i should be satisfied

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i still feel bad

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i wish i wasn’t right

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anyways

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i have to call my parents today i’ve been avoiding people again

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i’ve been avoiding everyone

midnight compass
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You may experience huge emotional swing right now, that's okay, most people are saying you should "Keep your emotions", but I think no, just don't show them to others. Scream, punch things, write things down, make an angry scribble, let everything out.

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But, even while feeling bad, remembered to appreciate even the smallest thing you have, like, you had a decent sleep - that's a thing to be happy with, or you feeling comfortable in your bed - another one. You had a tasty breakfast? Even better, that's 3 things to be happy for in a spare of 30 minutes or so.

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I believe in you.🫂

desert venture
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Thank you:>

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I got to watch Fate and that was good, i woke up early so that was nice, im talking to someone important to me so thats three

midnight compass
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Yesss keep going✍️✍️✍️✍️😈😈🤞🤞🤞🤞

desert venture
desert venture
desert venture
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i woke up at 3

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haven’t even able to sleep since

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i’m getting really fucking annoyed with sleeping for only 3 hours and not being able to go back to sleep

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and then when it’s the middle of the day i get tired

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it’s so infuriating

desert venture
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js fuck me then ig💔

desert venture
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a lot of people have treat me like shit today

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tired of people ignoring my feelings

desert venture
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my body refuses to get anymore rest

desert venture
desert venture
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i wish i could feel like this forever

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tokyo ghoul has been good read so far

IMG_8746.png
desert venture
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why does this shit have to follow me around everywhere bro

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life is beautiful

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people are beautiful

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even the terrible ones

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but i js don’t think i belong

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20 years of eating everyone else’s shit

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i hate complaining

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i hate this

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nothing has changed

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except my morals

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everything js feels pointless

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it’s hard for me to accept reality even tho i acknowledge it

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how does that make sense

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i’m selfish for what i said today

desert venture
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i’m tired

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maybe i was too late

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idk

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who cares

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i’ll probably be dead soon

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might as well js go along and try even if it’s pointless

desert venture
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i’m up again

desert venture
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my stomach has been having sharp pains

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even when i’m js moving around sometimes it’s dull sometimes it’s sharp

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when i have bowel movements its sometimes extremely sharp

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idk what i’ll do

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no one seems to be in a rush to care

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i can’t help myself

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not anymore

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i give up

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i gave up when i was 16

desert venture
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i js want to disappear already

desert venture
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idk what to do with myself

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i js wasted a month almost 2 months dedicating myself to one thing

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i hate everything

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it’s so easy to be a terrible person

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i dont want to live

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i think some people just can’t heal

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so many terrible things happen to them in such a short and important period of time in their life

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it effects them for as long as they live

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i don’t want to live

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not even

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all i’ve ever done is survive

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and i’m tired of that too

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i don’t want to exist

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that was all of me that i had left

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i js want revenge and i js want to hate and i want to see them suffer more now

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but i don’t want that

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i’d rather die than hurt more

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my life is a comedy

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i don’t want to live

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if this journal ever disappears

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i’m dead

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i don’t think i’ll be going back to sleep though

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i js can’t

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maybe i’ll just smoke my brain away some more

midnight compass
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Try to find even a slightest hobby that could calm you, it may even be something stupid

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For me it's playing minesweeper

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For you it can be anything

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Anything that can calm you down, or distract you from allat shit

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Some people say "learn a new language", but for me it's just more distressing

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At least if it's a hard language, or something not similar to you

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Maybe do some sports

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Not gym and expert sports routine

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Simple stretching and P.E

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Even yoga will help distracting yourself

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Just need some patience

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And also

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I know it will sound rather stupid

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But, instead of "I'm tired of surviving with no point" try saying "Even with all shit happening around me, I'm still surviving"

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That way, instead of lowering yourself, you're telling your brain that you are strong, keeping yourself tight and ready for rough situations, kinda

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And sith all that, trust me, you'll get better, even if it's at slightest

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So, try yourself

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Don't give up 🫂

desert venture
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i’m just trying to move on

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as soon and as fast as possible

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js got done deleting everything off my phone from last year

IMG_8757.png
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it hurt so much

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but i js don’t want 2025 to exist in my head at all

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i want everything gone

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all i can do rn is js cry

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i absolutely hate her

desert venture
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i hate him

desert venture
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i can’t take this anymore

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this despair is so immense

midnight compass
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Then cry out until you can't

midnight compass
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Crying out is a good thing, as long as you want to

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Once the tears stop flowing, you'll feel better

midnight compass
midnight compass
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Punch things, burn a paper with her name

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Write a message to her and burn it

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Let your emotions out

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But be careful with it

desert venture
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yeah i sorta did i was mean as hell to her but

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i feel replaced

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i could’ve been less harsh

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but i can’t contain how angry

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jealous

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and absolutely js full of hate i am

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i loathe both of them

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told me i destroy her everyday

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i got rid of people for her

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even when i didn’t expect her to appreciate it

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i did my best to prove i could be a good person for her

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i wanted to make her happy for the rest of her life

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i lived js to hear her laugh

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how could she say i destroy her

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i hate her

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i hate him more than anything

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if it was possible he’d be dead

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i was replaced

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i don’t want to live

midnight compass
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You became better person, you are aware of your mistake

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S

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That way, you won't do it in the future again

midnight compass
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Now, you crave justice, but sadly, this world has no place for fair games

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So

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Become someone she regret laughing at, even if you never see her again, it's harsh, but fair

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Be better

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Not because you need to, but for yourself

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Show what you can truly be

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Show HER what she has lost

desert venture
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i will

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i’ll make her regret it

midnight compass
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🫂

desert venture
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i regret calling her those names

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but it’s whatever’s

desert venture
desert venture
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slept all day

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picked up volume one of frieren

IMG_8760.jpg
desert venture
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my friend got me the ichigo skin

IMG_8761.jpg
desert venture
desert venture
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js kill me already

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can’t take it anymore

desert venture
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i quit

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i had a pretty damn good life up until 16

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i mean sure both my parents didn’t take really the best care of me

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but at least i had friends and a roof over my head

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i guess i was as happy as a young naive kid should be

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people don’t get better

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they just forget

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this is it for me

desert venture
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i’m up

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i’ve immediately started by cleaning my room and organizing my laundry

midnight compass
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Good start, to change yourself, first change your surroundings and routine

desert venture
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my fav typo song

IMG_8763.png
midnight compass
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👀👀

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I have a friend who would totally adore this

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I'll send him👀👀👀👀👀👀

desert venture
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Done with everything pretty much

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was gonna play Fortnite with friends but on of em is still sleeping

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so i’ll probably js read some tokyo ghoul

desert venture
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he is so unbelievably tough🥹

IMG_8768.png
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i love how him and amon are two sides of the same coin

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both fighting for what they believe they know is right

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but kaneki is an extension of amon

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having both value for not only humans but ghouls too

midnight compass
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Yk

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I just had a thought, before asking myself things about others and stuff

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I ask myself "Do I even deserve to be invited?"

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For now the answer is no, but, I hope things are in my control to change

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So before saying you're alone, ask yourself do you deserve to be alone at first place

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Off topic, random thought

desert venture
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i understand it to an extent

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in my opinion i don’t think anyone should be alone, like no one deserves to be alone..

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i think everyone needs someone

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obviously you shouldn’t rely on them to live your life

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but idk i get both sides of that

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some people do deserve to be alone

desert venture
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i’m so unbelievably angry

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anyways

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i played fortnite with my friends

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it was fun

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the only way i’d coexist with that guy

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is if i had twice as much time with her as she does with him

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why can’t people delete messages in their own threads

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ugh

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thank you.

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to add to that thought

#

i guess if i were asking myself

#

do i deserve to be alone?

#

well

#

i’ve been alone my whole life

#

js because i made mistakes with people that don’t matter to me

#

or took for granted people who were there for me

#

doesn’t mean it’s impossible for me to learn from those mistakes

#

I won’t let anyone tell me i don’t deserve happiness or love because of mistakes i made

#

i know what it’s like to hurt and be hurt

#

i js don’t want any of those things to happen anymore

#

i’d rather be hurt a million times than hurt someone else though

#

there’s people out there who really do care about me

#

like my best friend

#

i’d bet anything on him

#

and the last thing i’ll do

#

is let someone who has those connections

#

tell me otherwise

#

and curing your loneliness

#

isn’t done by getting a friend

#

or having parents

#

or even having a girlfriend

#

not being alone

#

means to have someone who truly understands you

#

that’s how i feel about loneliness

#

and love

#

there’s only two people on this earth who have ever understood me

#

anyways

#

it was arrogant of me to say i’ve been alone my whole life

#

because there was a time

#

anyways i’m going to read now

midnight compass
#

Stay strong Nova

#

I beilive in you.

#

🫂

desert venture
#

played fortnite with friends

#

one of them was kinda being insufferable the whole time tho

#

i also watched some black clover

#

it was pretty sweet

#

the friend tho

#

she was kinda js mean to me and only me the whole time

#

i’m tired

#

and sad

#

i didn’t even do anything wrong

#

she can have guys friends but i can’t even get near someone who’s female

#

this is unfair

#

i put my anger aside to talk to them normally

#

and they do this

#

i’m js disappointed

#

i dont even wanna play with the person she’s upset over anymore either

#

i played and i was js bombarded with mean insults the whole time

#

anytime i said anything she was js call me something mean or insult my intelligence

#

or turn everything i say into an insult

#

why did she js do that to me

#

i’m hurt over this again

#

i thought today was decent

#

now it’s horrible

#

i feel like she js wanted an excuse to never talk to me again

#

why do i always subject myself to getting hurt

#

this is hell

#

if i knew she thought i was moving on

#

i wouldn’t have hesitated

#

the only reason i never said anything is cuz i thought she didn’t care

#

it wasn’t anything like that

#

i don’t want to meet anyone else

#

i hate this so much

#

why do i get myself hurt again

#

i can’t i can’t

#

i don’t want anyone i refuse to want anyone i can’t i don’t want anyone i only want her id rather die than be with anyone else i can’t

#

i js want my goober back

#

this is hell on earth

#

my friend keeps asking if i’m okay

#

he knows i’m not

#

i js can’t be vulnerable around him

#

i hate this

#

i’m getting rid of everyone now

#

i don’t want anyone

#

not even friends

#

i just wanted her

#

this is worse than all the times

#

she’s actually gone now for good

#

why does this happen

#

my life is some sick joke

#

never again will this happen

#

because i’m going to be alone

#

i don’t want anyone else

#

if it’s not her

#

i want to be alone

desert venture
#

i’m alone

#

cold

#

and tired

#

i feel like this was on purpose

#

i don’t want to wake up

desert venture
#

i can’t seem to sleep longer

#

too much on my mind

desert venture
#

feeling sad

#

i’m doing my best for myself

#

and especially for her atm

#

i hate this

#

it sounds pathetic

#

but id probably do anything for her

#

even if she still hated me

#

i miss her

#

i’m not trying to get caught up in that feeling

#

i’m almost hate it

#

i’ve never been so deeply connected with someone in my soul

#

that i’ve felt this way about them

#

i’d give anything to restart it all yk

#

anything

#

i’d trade pieces of me

desert venture
#

i’m going back to sleep

#

this feeling bares so much weight

#

so i’m sleeping

desert venture
#

she doesn’t care..

#

i think he’s more important

#

i tried

#

i give up

#

as long as he’s around

#

i’m disposable

#

i’m going back to sleep

#

i don’t see the point in staying awake

desert venture
#

i’ll probably end up hurting myself again

#

but

#

i have nothing else

#

i don’t want anything else

#

i cry knowing it’s probably going to happen but

#

i don’t care

desert venture
desert venture
#

bleeh:<

#

an hour with me

#

the next 8 with him

#

honestly i think i would’ve rather been oblivious to that info🫩

#

i wish i was dead

midnight compass
#

I don't wish you dead

#

Remember Nova, no matter what you face, no matter what madness you are through

#

Bad things last long, but then disappeared forever

#

Good things last quick, but keep coming back eventually

#

So, fight your thoughts, don't ket yourself down, I know those thoughts of her keep you down, but think of yourself first

#

You tried - that's what matters, some people are cruel, but there are always people who are honest and kind to this world

#

You wish you were dead but you're still here, not because you're coward, but because you are strong enough to keep up

#

Keeping up is not always getting better and staying in shape, sometimes it's about fighting to the last straw

#

So, Nova, do it

#

Fight the thoughts, challenge your fears, vanquish your anxiety

#

Meditate, do yoga ( all though it's kinda ass tbh), count the stars, walk down the park, scribble something

#

Most important, think of yourself not as a mistake, but as the one still standing after all what happened to him

#

It's hard to see the world in bright colours again, after you've been through hell

#

But it's always possible to change your perspective

#

There is no problem without a solution

#

And I see that you can do it

#

So do it, Nova, don't tell me "I can't", because I am sure you can, just need some time and determination

#

You can do it🫂

desert venture
#

i can try

#

this situation i’ve put myself in

#

i don’t know how long i can endure it

#

but i will as long as i can

midnight compass
#

O believe in you Nova

#

And remember

#

Instead of "what if", ask yourself "even if"

#

And instead of "It's all my fault", tell yourself "It's a mistake I can fix and never let happen again"

#

Stay safe and stay strong

#

🫂

desert venture
#

i’m making myself extremely vulnerable in this situation, my heart tells me to let go of everything and try to destroy what causes me pain but thats such a reckless thing to do in this situation i’ll just end up hurting other people

#

but my brain is telling me to bite the bullet in order to appreciate this time i’ve been given

#

i’m trying so so hard to remain calm

#

and cool under this pressure

#

i hate that i care this much

#

i wish it wasn’t so hard

#

but it is

#

so idk today my my coolness has prevailed as much as it could

#

i don’t have to be happy

#

but i don’t have to be consumed by anger and despair either

#

we will see

#

only time can tell how long this takes

#

the worst case scenario the absolute worst case scenario in this situation is a possibility

#

if i’m betrayed

#

i’ll do something horrible

#

but right now i can’t let the idea of that consume me

#

so i have to push forward

#

and swallow it

#

i’m going fill myself with distractions

midnight compass
#

And eventually, a distraction will lead you to see things from a calmer perspective

#

I can't really tell you how, I got better after a night I could die

#

So

#

Dkakfndnd

#

But I believe in you Nova

#

I believe in you

#

🫂

desert venture
#

i feel bad for my friend

desert venture
#

haven’t hung out with him in a while because of things

#

i js don’t have the motivation to get often with stuff going on

#

i’m very sad right now

desert venture
#

very very sad

#

i’m going to sleep

desert venture
#

i’m up

#

still not doing my best

#

at all

#

i tried to pretend this morning but

#

it didn’t work so

#

idk

#

there isn’t a happy ending in this situation for me

#

it hurts

#

so much

#

it hurts

#

why does it have to hurt this bad

#

why can’t i js disappear

#

all i can do is cry

#

cry cry cry

#

it’s all i fucking do

#

i’m tired of it

#

i’ve never hurt this much in my life

#

god help me

#

man

#

Christmas is gonna the be the worst

#

idk what to do anymore

#

everything hurts

#

everything

#

it’s so hard to bare

desert venture
#

im thinking of starting workout routine in the morning

#

so i can vent my anger

#

i’m thinking

desert venture
desert venture
#

i find myself always thinking wondering about why i am the way i am

#

i always find myself searching through my past wondering what went wrong

#

why it went wrong

#

who went wrong

#

people will say

#

well you should be more focused on your future than your past

#

dwelling on it won’t change anything

#

but i feel like if i knew the reason i was this way

#

i could change

#

i’m such a weird person

#

compared to most people in my opinion

#

i’m not motivated by pain

#

my despair feeds off it

#

i’m so used to that feeling

#

i’ve never looked up to anyone growing up or had good role models

#

sure their was things people did i admired but i never looked at someone and said

#

i wanna be exactly like them

#

it’s hard to motivate me

#

people and hope motivate me

#

my life is so devoid of those things

#

hope

#

i’ve taught myself as a kid having hope ALWAYS hurts

#

expecting a good outcome hurts

#

i was quite emotionless when i was a kid

#

far different compared to now

#

i guess everyone has a breaking point wether they themselves believe it or not

#

wether they think things bother them or not

#

i never talked about things as a kid

#

i kept to myself

#

i was always shy

#

i never asked questions

#

my father revered me for that

#

i always kept quiet

#

i never was surprised or disappointed by terrible things

#

i never expected things to get better

#

i was never myself at home

#

only with my friends and even then they didn’t even know anything about me

#

i remember one time

#

i was in a heated moment with my friend Anthony

#

not too long ago

#

i blurted out

#

“none of you even know me anyways”

#

Anthony said

#

“and that’s sad”

#

i said this to my friends of 5+ years

#

that’s sad

#

idk why i talk about this i

#

i js think of that often

#

no one really knows me

#

not even my parents

#

i wasn’t expecting Anthony to agree with me

#

i think about it often

#

but i remember the very day i changed for good

#

i was 16 years old sitting in the shower

#

everything was fine

#

and for some reason it was like a needle shot through my head the feeling was so so so immense

#

shitty and terrible memories of my life and people and things that caused me so much pain and trauma flooded through like a levee or a dam had broken in my mind

#

i guess that’s why they tell you to never hold things inside

#

i was never the same after that

#

i cried so much in the shower that day

#

after that day i was full of resentment for my mother and father

#

it was hard to realize they are people themselves at that age

#

they were fucked up at a young age too

#

my father lost his mother to cancer when he was 18

#

my mom was addicted to drugs

#

and her husband passed away leaving her with 2 children to look after

#

then my grandfather died when i was 10

#

my dad was screwed out to 70% of his fathers inheritance

#

by his uncle

#

then my father tried starting a family with a new women but that didn’t work

#

my father and mom birthed me into this world without being able or ready to raise a child together

#

they split when i was 2 years old

#

fighting over petty things like drugs

#

i was told many different sides to both of their stories

#

but i never believed either of them

#

then between them both

#

i never saw the end of their arguing as a kid

#

i grew up in the middle of custody battles and arguments

#

my mom constantly falsely calling the cops on my dad

#

she even had him taken away on christmas day

#

claiming he’d threaten her

#

and my father

#

would always put nasty things in my head about my mother

#

there’s some things parents should never tell their children

#

but i heard all of it at a young age

#

i had to grow up so fast

#

i resented them so much for these things

#

constant mental abuse from my father

#

abandonment issues from my mother

#

it was all so much

#

i hated them growing up

#

idk wether i’ve forgiven them or not

#

but i know its pointless to hate and resent them

#

i js distance myself from them

#

especially my father

desert venture
#

i wish i could find peace and security

#

even if it’s alone

desert venture
#

i’m supposed to be happy right now but i’m not

#

i js know after this it’s going to be the same as yesterday

#

ik it’s coming

#

but now isn’t the right time to say anything

#

idk why i’m trying so hard to grasp onto what i know is never coming back

#

if she still cared she’d sacrifice for me

#

i think i’m right about this whole thing

#

she promises

#

but i don’t believe her

#

i think they already are in love

#

the thought of that kill’s me

#

i can’t deal with it

#

no matter what i do it’ll be the same

#

it hurts

desert venture
#

i have feelings too

#

i have no one to play fortnite with now lool

#

none of my friends play fort either

desert venture
#

i wish this year never happened

#

i wish i never talked to girls

#

i regret all but one

#

and even then

#

i was too busy fucking up to give them a version of me they deserved

#

i’ll regret that for a very long time

#

i wish i’d js die

#

i don’t want to die

#

but i certainly don’t want to exist

#

i don’t ever wanna talk to another girl again

#

it ruined me

#

for good it ruined me for good

#

i’ll never be the same after that

#

i feel disgusting

#

stained by sin

#

no matter how much i scrub it off

#

it is a constant reminder

#

i don’t want to love ever again

#

it would be a waste

midnight compass
#

It's not love

#

It's those you fell in love with

#

It wasn't your fault that you're passionate, caring, giving and lovely person

#

It's just that most people use others

#

I know

midnight compass
#

You see the mistakes, see what it can cause

#

But it's not your fault, Nova

#

Love comes in different ways, shapes and colours

#

It's hard to understand it, barely possible

#

You've been through a lot, Nova

#

And I just want you to take a rest, only to care about yourself for a while

#

I know how it is to be at your lowest

#

I don't like to bring my experience up, but I just want you to never go through what I saw and experienced

#

I'm not talking about love or relationships or friendship or anything

#

I mean inside

#

I don't want you to go through anything that I've seen people go

#

Because you don't deserve any of that

#

Any of the bad

#

You deserve a light

desert venture
#

thank you

desert venture
#

anyways i’m up

#

my body hurts a lot from yesterday

#

things would so much easier if i didn’t care so much about everything

desert venture
#

i need a haircut

desert venture
#

she’s always on my mind

#

i hate it

#

i wish she’d js get out of my head

midnight compass
#

she'll get out eventually

#

it's ok that you think of her

#

Maybe, try writing her a letter she'll never see, then rip it, burn it

#

just destroy it

desert venture
#

it’s so hard when we are still talking to eachother

#

i love her and i care about her and i want to share love again

#

but

#

i hurt her so much

#

she’s not ready to trust and accept me in that way again

#

who knows if she ever will

#

she tells me it will take time

#

but at the same time

#

i think she’s just afraid of hurting me

#

neither of us are ready to let go of each other

#

part of me wants to believe she talks to me because she feels bad

#

even tho she doesn’t seem like she would

#

man

#

where did all the time go

desert venture
#

today was fun

desert venture
#

i’m feeling sad

#

idk what i’m going to do

surreal spire
#

hello, don’t mind to tell me what happened?

desert venture
#

it’s mostly just everything, i’m upset and disappointed and i’m trying not to jump to conclusions about things that could go wrong between me and this person

#

but i feel like i js need to come to terms with reality on the situation and just give up

#

stop chasing this person

#

it hasn’t been long but

surreal spire
#

your ex?

desert venture
#

yeah

surreal spire
#

oh

#

i understand

desert venture
#

idk this persons actions don’t always align with their feelings and sometimes the way they act can be unpredictable so it’s hard to read how they truly feel

#

but i js don’t think they care

#

they do to an extent

#

they get jealous of the idea of me talking to anyone else

#

but part of me thinks that’s all they care about

#

they say they care about me

#

but they can’t love me

#

not yet they say

#

and that sounds like and excuse

#

or a ploy to stop me from moving on and finding someone else

#

my brain is telling me to wait the situation out and prove to her i can be someone she can love and trust again

#

but this process destroys me

#

idk

#

what to do

#

it’s hard to ignore

surreal spire
#

I understand what it's like not to stop thinking about a person you broke up with not a long time ago, but with time it will pass, try to distract yourself with your favorite hobbies or reading, I also advise you to drink green tea because it relieves stress and panic

surreal spire
#

i know its hard to forget her

#

but you have to

#

if you dont wanna get hurt again

#

you can make it nova

desert venture
#

but i’m trying

#

to work on myself

desert venture
#

i want to make things right

#

i can only be there for her as much as i can to show her i care

#

if i had to describe being there for her

#

it would be like hugging someone with a bunch of needles sticking out of them

#

the closer i get the more i get hurt

#

it’s weird

surreal spire
desert venture
#

but i know deep deep down if i endure i can prove to her

midnight compass
#

No clear goal

desert venture
midnight compass
#

I'm sorry to interrupt, but, life has no purpose

desert venture
#

it’s okay

midnight compass
#

Sad people seek purpose

#

But

#

Happy people, drift in life like a leaf in a rainwater. It's hard to find purpose, but maybe, it's hard because there is no

#

To enjoy your slightest good moments, enjoy sounds, music, tastes

#

To see the sun

#

To talk to people you like

#

Purpose is what most people MADE you think you need to seek for

#

When, surely, there is no reason to seek one thing in life,

#

Just because someone said so

#

Our world is huge, even your hometown can be huge

#

Most of people can't handle the pressure of constant thinking of past and future. What they've done, who they've lost. What comes next, who's going to betray them?

#

But they forget, that there is only today, only now

#

Tomorrow is gone, time disappears, and future does not exist, there is nothing

#

So what don't we take a moment to appreciate, enjoy and be happy for every good thing we have?

#

Anything

#

Even your eye colour

#

Or how your hair feels

#

Or how your bed feels when you're tired

#

And I know, Nova, you're going through something only few people go through

#

And I know, for you there is more. I know it's hard to "Let go", but past will always be past, the shame and fear will last only if you want them to last

#

The hardest thing for you to achieve, as for many people is to face the shame

#

Accept what you are, but accept it in a way you feel, like you've changed

#

Distractions may work, but main point of distributions are a preparation of your mind to achieve the goal of calmness

#

To finally ask yourself "Did I learn the lesson?"

#

And answer "Yes"

#

Because clearly, lessons are usually hard, but are meant to teach you to fix your mistakes later

cosmic jolt
#

can someone see my post on mental health section

desert venture
#

i guess what i mean by purpose is a sense of direction in life or the ability to love myself and things around me i want to feel useful i want to feel like a good person i want to have more things in life to live for than just her, it’s so hard in my mind all those things are completely impossible it’s like my self esteem was lost a very very long time ago and i just don’t know how to muster the confidence to take on things in life and actually find happiness in myself, i think that’s why i hurt my ex so badly the only
girl i loved was because u was seeking validation from other women whom ive never gained attention from before, i didn’t even want to be with those other women i js liked the attention i got from them and the idea of that makes me sick to my stomach i even hurt those people too, telling them exactly what they wanted to hear and manipulating them and during this time my ex the girl i loved the one whom i tried to replace was crying for me every night alone it was hard to get over the guilt of that i always be guilty but it doesn’t rule me, what rules me so much is regret more then anything i regret taking her for granted i regret using peoples hearts to make myself feel better about myself i regret sinking so so so low after being cheated an manipulated myself that i ended up doing the same thing to other people

#

i’ve always hated myself

#

especially after all that

#

i have learned a very very valuable lesson

#

i know i have to love myself first

#

or i’ll just end up hurting people

#

i just don’t want to lose her

midnight compass
#

It's often hard to understand what you need to do in life

#

Like

#

You think big, even if it's a simple "love my days" it's still big