18 hours left
#Self Healing Journal KitKat :3
hardy flax
16 hours left
Is time going by fast?
Anyways
Uhm
Haha
I rlly love him haha
Uhm
Lets see…
I think..
Uhhh
Ima have to look what dress to wear for tomorrow
Mkay mkay wait my head feels like its burning
Mkay sooooooo
What time should I sleep?
Well..
9 or 10
Cuz I have to wake up at 6 or…
7…
Brainroottt
But yeah
Maybe at 6
So that I can dress up
Get my hair done
Make my egg sandwich
And yeh lol
I mean what should I do first?
I could make the egg sandwich first
While the eggs are being boiled
I can do my hair
Wavy
Or curly
Or a bun?
Hmmmm
Well idk
My ex likes a bun
But like we arent together so I dont need to make a bun
Even tho I kinda want to…
no no no
Another time
Another time
Maybe another time
Hmm
Curly then
I mean I dont wanna braid my hair and go super curly tho
Nu uh
Wavy is fine but I would like it to be curly
Mkay
I need a curling iron but not a BIG curling iron
Might take a while since uh
I have a lot of hair
So first is hair then
Thennn
Dress up
Makeup
Pack food
Done!
We should pick my ex and his step mom like at 8
Yeah
Ok and thennn…
Well
Thats for tomorrow
But todaayyy
I need to look what to wear
And choose wisely cuz its gonna be cold
Ughhh my room is going to be a mess
And I only have like
6 or 5 hours before I go to sleep
And I also wanted to make a drawing for my ex..
Which might take like an hour
Or 2
And should I do my nails?
Nails will take extra long
I dont think I have the energy to do all that for myself
This is what I was thinking…
I mean I will struggle life cuz of them nails..
Hmmm
Im so lazy to do nailssss
But they are so simpleee!!
Fine fine
I’ll do nails
First tho
Choose a dress!
UGHHH Im not joking
Everyday I wish to talk to my ex
Just like old times
But he’s too “busy”
I dont wanna believe that he is avoiding me
I mean look
I have to consider the fact like
He wakes up super early
It takes like 1-2hrs for him to get to school
Well
College
He has a lot of assignments
And math is what always troubles him
Then..
He would like.. have projects
He struggles with remembering like lotsssss of words
So I guess its not going so well for him sadly..
Im assuming he gets home late
And he prob goes to take a nap
Knowing how much of a sleepy head he is
Then.. his mom strictly tells him to go to sleep at 10:00pm
So his day is like
A lot of work
Basically his whole week
And since its november
My old classmate who is on her second year of college
She told me how November and December it gets super busy cuz of finals
So I have to consider the fact that my ex…
Has finals coming up
Business
Phycology
Math
Communication skills
-sigh-
Im not sad that I will barely have time to talk to him
No no no
Im just sad how much he is struggling
Its..
Nov 15
Just 4 more weeks
And he is free
And
Idk
He prob wont rlly talk to me..
Because he just..
Idk we broke up and
Why do we need to talk?
Right?
I have no idea at this point
He doesnt rlly reach out to me
He’s never rlly been someone to do that
And it has always been me most of the time
But like
Once I talk to him
Or have time to talk to him
Its gonna be hard
Cuz its not the same of yo
Yk*
couples
Talk
Its gonna be different
And I just have to suck it up
See where this goes yk?
I mean look
Hopefully I pass the Exam on December 12
If I do
Now all I can focus is Drivers permit
And a friend sent me a pdf for questions and answers
Has like over 100 questions li
Lol
So hopefully that happens
Anddd
I should find a lash extension and manicure classes
But I must be very focused yk?
No messing around
Like talking to my ex
I must hold myself from that
But jeex
Jeez
He’s like
idk
Like I want him to understand that I do NOT want any guy!
And thats final!
Let him take like 4 or 6 years!
I’ll wait for him cuz I just do not want someone else!
But he thinks that we wont see each other
So theres no point
Well
Guess what?
Im moving out of my home
And rent a apartment
Even tho the prices are hella crazy
Like 3k
But
I found some places
Like 1,450
And the room looks super duper nice
Its small yes
But guess what?
Im small too
Haha
So yeah
And the rent of 1.4k doesnt sound so bad
Im just scared
Of what my ex will say yk?
Will it upset him?
Feel guilt?
Or will he see that Im devoted to him?
I dont want him to feel bad that he isnt capable to reach my expectations in a relationship at the moment
But I want him to see that I want him
And I stick to it
No matter what comes in my way
I dont mind not being in a relationship for years
I want him
I’ll learn
Anyways..
After December 12
I must pass the exam
Then get a uh..
Hmm
Manicure classes
And thennn
Also lash extension classe
But I gotta work hard tho
And find a job asap
Learn drivers permit
Tbh
I want lash extension job
I rlly rlly do
If that can happen
I’ll see how I can schedule my time management
Im gonna do my best to exhaust myself
And when I get home
The bed will be the love of my life LOL
Food
Then bed
I must have everything planned
I can do it
Maybe
UGHHH JUST FOCUS ON EXAM
THATS IT
But rn its clothes tho-
Mkay mkay
hardy flax
Mkay
Clothes ready
Thennn a drawing for my ex 🙈
Oh
So
Tomorrow
Ok ok so basically
Obviously I want to sit next to my ex
But my dad will KILL me if I do that
So I just plan to sit in the back of the car
Theres like..
The back that has 3 seats
And the other back that has 3 seats extra
And so
Im thinking like
Just me sitting in the back :b
Alone
But my sister doesnt want to sit next to each other
Like her and my ex cuz she finds him weird
So its like fine
He can sit in the back alone
But then my sister thats no cuz it sounds rude for him to sit in the back
So then Im like bru then she can sit in the back
And she agreed but then she said that my dad wouldnt like it if we sat next to each other
ITS A HUGE MESS
My dad would get SO mad at me
But jeez calm down
Its just two friends
Ughh Im so nervous
Im overthinking it a lot
Ok ok well
If
Nvm nvm
UGHHHHHHHHHH
objective is to sit in the back
I hope my ex understands that my dad just cant allow us to sit next to each other
I mean
Not that he should care anymore
Why should he care right?
-sigh-
I wish he cared
But he has every right to not care since we broke up
Oh well
I feel a bit sleepy
I probably wont do nails atp
hardy flax
Hopefully tomorrow goes well
In almost uhh
13 hours Ima see him
I was drawing a samurai but then I cried and I couldnt do it anymore
hardy flax
Cant sleep
In almost
Uh
9 hours maybe? Ima see him
Im not readyyyyyy
Its fine
Just gotta mind my own business
I guess?
I dont knoowww
hardy flax
Welp
I have to sit next to my sister
Im so mad
We woke up
No one tried to help me with making a egg sandwich, I asked my sister and she became so defensive as if I was accusing her (I wasnt)
I was pressured
I hate
Being pressured
I rlly didnt wanted to sit next to my sister
Like bro why she so afraid of my ex?
He isnt gonna bite
But like
Wtv
Wtv
Im so mad
hardy flax
Sooo
Day has ended
This is what happened
Me and my ex took a picture together today. We talked in the car, school stuff, and uhm.. idk. We walked inside the assembly, and he like.. told me “You look beautiful by the way” (making sure no one heard) and idk, I said “thank you”, and then I told him “You look handsome :)” and he said “thanks” even tho Im used to him denying it so it was kinda weird for him to say that to me. But I doubt he believes me.
You cant convince me that he believes me, since he just never sees himself that way and he never agrees when I say that he looks good
I shouldve said “you look great today” which would be way better
During lunch time, like 30min later I asked him if we can take a picture
I cant show the picture we took
But it was a before and after photo
Before that was on February 15 2020
And after that is today Nov16 2025
We both have history. 2019 I met him, he was lonely, so I took the step to be his friend, we became friends, he considered me as his first real friend since his other friends were “fake”. I was 12 and he was 11.
In 2020 February, I was 13 and he was 12, we took a picture together, he had feelings for me, and I saw him as a friend. Then pandemic happened so we rarely saw each other. (If it was 2020 September, I’d be 14)
2021 we dated, I was 14 and he was 13, he was already taller than me at that time. But on June we got caught by my parents in dating.
3 years passed by, I never fell in love with anyone. I did started to crush on one a guy after 3 years, but even when I had a crush on him, a part of me wished it was Esteban and not him. Esteban never left my mind. And I knew I still felt for him, it never rlly faded. Even when I was convinced of my dad telling me that he is a liar and that he only used me. A part of me had always cared about him. Not because of his looks, but I simple loved the boy he was.
2024 October, I came back, I was 18, he was 17, we started to talk and made up as in we got on good terms again and on November, we confessed that we had feelings for each other, and dated again.
2025 Feburary 12 I think? We saw each other in person, he considered it as the best day because he really wanted to see me and we had fun talking and playing together. He was very happy, and so was I. I started to love him more, I have no words to explain why I feel strong for him. Its simply like.. who he is as whole, what he has in his heart and mind that gets my attention. Despite his imperfections, I accept for who he is as whole. But I immaturely and irrationally did hurt his heart. He had pressure with college and wasnt sure if we could be together due to time.
2025, November 16, Im 19, he’s 18. I notice how, Im the one with deep feelings and he just wants to be friends. And he is good at treating me like one. While a part of me yearns for me to be his again.
After the day ended. I felt sad cuz its not like we hanged out a lot but I mean I knew we wouldnt hang out a lot so like.. there was nothing I could do.
I wished he texted me tho, just like a year ago when we had assembly and after it ended, he would text me while he was in the car on his way home (30min to get home).
I felt rlly bad, cuz It just wasnt the same anymore as in “I CANT BELIEVE I SAW YOUUUU ❤️❤️ IM SO HAPPY” yk?
So I just got feeling depressed
THEN I GOT A MESSAGE FROM HIM, and he texted me and we talked, he said uhh
“Hope you enjoyed chatting today c:
I enjoyed it
Didn’t expect the picture though but it’s alright I had fun
And I got to finally meet Sophie...“ (btw I told him literally a year ago of how much I wanted him to meet Sophie cuz she was a close friend of mine and AFTER A WHOLE YEAR HE HAS FINALLY MET SOPHIE)
Oh so, I replied.. “=/3/= nahh I didnt enjoy it, idk what ur talking about U3U”
He said “mhm sureeee”
Then I said
“Mmmm 030
Haha
Well
I havent processed yet
If I enjoyed it or not
U^U”
He said “I can't say anything to that, So I accept defeat”
Tbh the reason why I told him how I havent processed yet, is because I have no idea how to feel about us chatting. Like it was nice, but I just.. it feels different yk? And I dont like that feeling. Different as in, me consciously knowing that we broke up and he doesnt love me, cuz Im still heart broken, so its hard to entirely enjoy yk? Cuz when I was talking to him, a part of me felt like crying, and telling him that I still want him and I plan to stay here in this state if it means that we wont be very far apart where I get to live in another state yk?
But I dont wanna sound ungrateful yk? So Im glad we chatted. Even if it was a little bit. But I still feel like crying, even as Im trying rn Im kinda tearing up rn haha… cuz I rlly want it to be together forever. Not just temporary. But I didnt wanted him to feel like I didnt like it. So I said
“Lol defeat? How would u have won?”
He said “Dunno, thats why I accept defeat”
I said “😭? Ok?? Well all I can say is, it was nice, thats it :)”
He said “As long as it wasn't super bad”
I said “Super bad would be a conversation that didnt went well. And I dont recall that happening”
Then he didnt reply and he replied to my other messages.
But what would make him think that it was super bad? Maybe that Im still hurting and talking to him is super bad? Thats kinda a bit toooo much.. I mean.. its true Im still hurt and talking to him kinda stings.
But the conversation went well. We talked about games, my friend Sophie, his school, my old school, two new friends I met, and thats it.
But if we talked about our future, I think I’d be more than just “enjoyed it”. I’d be far more than happy. But anyways, we talked on mss. And then he said “Well I don't look good imo until I get a haircut I'm happy with and actually be able to control my hair”
And I said “And imo you look good boom”
He said “You always look great imo, you have so much more options and.. are basically making it your profession lol”
Idk what options he was talking about
If I was delulu, I’d say options as in choosing the right guy and he wants me to find someone else. But thats like obv not what he was talking about, its just me fantasizing it. But Im guessing he’s talking about style lol
But idk, I did felt nice when he said that I look great, and that today he told me that I look beautiful.
Then we talked about other stuff. And now he hasnt replied which Im assuming its hw since he did say “Im home! Welp.. duty calls!”
But yeah I gotta wait a week now until he texts me again
Yk whats reallyyyy interesting and it actually had me thinking. Was my dads like.. talking about the house and living a better life. Buying a house is very good in that state, it cost like between 230-290k in most houses with bigggg territory.
My dad said that me and him will work rlly hard for this house. And its rlly goof that it’ll be under my and his name because I was born here in the U.S. but I asked my dad of the benefits of me being born here in U.S and buying a house.
My dad said that uh.. when my dad bought a house, he payed 48k (cost of the house is 250k) and so my dad has turned it into rent (the house) and obv my dad has to pay like 1.8k every month so that he can finish paying the whole 250k.
But if IT WAS ME who gets the house, I can get a house and pay 8k for it, then I pay every month 1.8k yk? And so yeah, my dad says that it’ll take 30 years to pay 250k and I was like “Why? 30 years? If it’ll take 11 years to pay the whole house? If we pay 1.8k every month?”
then my dad says how when we pay 1.8k a month, the people keep like 80% of the money and they use the 20% for the house that we bought (250k) LIKE THATS NOT FAIR BUT OH WELL IT LEGAL. So my dad says that we are obligated to pay 1.8k monthly BUT, we can additionally put money in the 250k so that we dont pay for 30 years and instead we’ll finish paying in maybe 10 years of 250k ykwim?
Then my dad says that after that, we own the house, and if my parents die, me and my sister can live in there without worry of monthly rent, and it’ll just be gas, water, electricity yk?
Then my dad says that once I have a family, it benefits me a lot cuz we already bought a house with huge space like backyard. And again I dont worry a lot of monthly rent.
So dude, there.. sooooo much benefit, and its like.. its a huge boost of ur life yk? You worry less about small room or living, you dont pay a lot a lot, and so much more I guess. You get to live ur life there, have a family there. My kids or wtv.
And my dad literally pictures that future lol. But like… I love the offer, I do. It does sound like a great future yk? And so It had me thinking like… a house, live in there, better life. Or stay here in a apartment (not forever tho) for a couple of years (cuz I do want my ex lol) and the possibility of being back together are 50% (he says that his feelings are 50/50) so if I lose him forever then I wasted my time? BUT lets say we do end up together again yk? But my ex doesnt want to live in there, but I have a home in there and a large backyard. But he doesnt wanna live there. What now?
From the bottom of my heart I say this. Being with my ex feels like home, so it doesnt matter where we live in or where we go, as long as Im with him, Im happy. He makes me feel home.
I do believe that owning the house, it does bring loads of benefits. So so much. But what do I lose? I’ll never see my ex, and it wont feel so much like home to me feeling far from my ex yk? Yes its beautiful the thought of living a house that u own. But the thought of living a life where you will wonder “what if I stayed in ____?” Or “what if me and my ex were together because I stayed in ____”. I dont want to live a life where I get to question about it a few times a year yk? Recalling old memories, feelings so strong that once existed between us, the bundle of joy we shared. I abandon all that for a house? Its like…
House>love?
So, I did put thought, believe me I did thought about the possibilities of house or my ex. But I love him, I want to still try to live in here tho and have a chance with him if its possible, if he doesnt want to live in there (which will make my dad dislike him WAY more cuz my dad pictures me with kids but living in da STATE LOL) thats fine with me, the outcome of working together in having a home sounds lovely, or if we do decide to live in there also sounds lovely, but overall.. being by his side, has no greater cost ❤️ 🙂
If it never works out, and he never wants to try again, I guess I’ll move into that house and see whats up. Perhaps use my time to serve god like hours in a day yk? Be surrounded with friends. Family (have family at that state where we bought the house). Seeking for a partner? Rn I dont see it that way of me doing that.
But yeah, I still want to try.
One of my biggest fears, is that one day, it’ll be over forever, and someday I will start to picture of a life where I do end up with him, and how we couldve had a family but never did in the end.
That one day, I’ll look through my old photos, and think of.. what if we ended together? Where would I be now?
Hehe.. Im crying.. hehe.. 🥲
Yk I feel like obsession kinda sounds like it isnt entirely real love yk? Real love is like.. despite the circumstances, you still want the person and would give up anything to be with that person, forgive them, move on together, work things out.
Real love is tested after the break up. Haha.. Im not making choices to prove that its real love rn, I make those choices cuz I rlly love him, not cuz I want to prove it, its just how I feel. I dont want a reward. I want to love someone, no matter what and unconditionally.
Altho.. real love CAN also be to uh… leave the person and move on, hoping that the person finds love.
But I dont want to do that, I know we were happy before, we just werent the right time to love each other. And we werent ready. When we’re ready, we can do better.
It may not happen, but I know I wasnt ready. But I want to be ready in the future.
Then.. like talking to him in the car, sometimes I lose focus on the things he’s saying, cuz all Im starting at is his eyes, lashes, beard, dry lips lol, his funny teeth, his glasses.
Then when he’s done talking I have no idea what to respond 😭 but I like to admire him. Its not everyday I see his face. And every time he looks at me, I love seeing his eyes. Dark brown eyes. 😊 his funny curly hair. Admiring everything about him.
But I did cried a bit in the car tho
Before I talked to him
I feel like crying right now, when we broke up.. all I wanted was his love but I messed up. I regret it a lot.
Im so sorry tho
I really am
Im very very sorry
I dont know how I can undo what I did
hardy flax
I mean idk much much if I should believe about soulmate. I mean lowk what I think is… I feel like, maybe Im not his true love, but he is my true love :b
Orrrr its just wrong timing and just wait for right timing where we are maturely ready and have time
Cuz u say “soulmate” and I think like.. Maybe he thought about that too yk? For 3 years he prob thought “If its real love, she’ll come back”
Which.. I never did. And when I told him of why I came back on discord (because of a friend who told me to add him on discord). I think my ex felt… disappointed yk? But he would say that we’re soulmates, and how god prob bought us together and he approves both of us being together. And tbh I never believed that, cuz I knew we we’re ready since the moment my feelings grew more towards him. I knew we were still young but I guess my ex was too idk.. happy. Cuz I guess when I told him how I have feelings for him as well, he prob thought that he had a chance for this. Be together again and that it was a sign. But s part of him felt too insecure, too unsure, too unworthy, that he wasnt good enough for me, and that he couldnt satisfy me. And I would always get mad at him whenever he felt like he wasnt enough and tbh. I would always asked him “why do you love me?” And truthfully… I wish he gave me a good answer.. he would say “theres a lot of reasons why I love you, I just dont know how to word it or find the words for it” and “we have History, you and me (he’s referring to us dating in the past and how we got back together)” and “I love you for you:)” but it felt like.. I mean yeah its nice but
What is it about me that he loves me?
What was it?
He waited for me for 3 years. Holding on. He still had feelings for me. Im not sure if he actually and truly loved me. Ofc he showed so much love towards me and obsession. But its not just the love you show and give. But its like.. why? Why do you REALLY love that person? Not because “you were my first friend” (he never said that).
Sometimes I felt like his feelings.. wasnt really love, cuz why did he had feelings for me in the first place when we recently became friends 7 years ago? Cuz truthfully I had feelings for my idk first crush? But I never had the chance to know him, I liked him cuz he served god, but I didnt get to know his personality. Until my feelings faded. Then after the pandemic I thought that I’d get feelings for my old crush again (after my ex and I broke up) cuz we played and talked together a lot, but no matter how much we joked and messed around, I never rlly felt for him, I saw him more like a friend, like I just want us to be friends. My feelings never came back to my old first crush.
So I asked my ex, (when we dated) “are you sure u didnt just admire me? Not like actual feelings?” And my ex denied it.
But I will say, that whenever my ex asked me of why I had feelings for him. I didnt rlly know how to respond to him. They were just there.. I mean the reason why I started to have feelings for him 4 years ago was because I started to get to know him a bit more, and there were things I liked about him. But I didnt know him enough for me to wait for him for 3 years. But hey, after 3 years, my feelings werent strong for him, but the more we talked like we were old friends, the more I felt towards him. I wanted him. I love his goofy weird side of his. I love getting to know him more. But our mistake was getting into the relationship too soon. We shouldve gotten to know each other first in order to actually confirm if we felt for each other cuz of who we are, not cuz of the past.
Cuz when we dated like literally super fast, I wanted to talk to him and we did at first, I wanted to get to know him more, but like.. sometimes we’d do s*xting and idk dude, I was always like “dude! Why do you have feelings for me?! Is it lust or love???” Cuz I rlly wanted to get to know him!
And idk.. it was mostly “I love you” and kiss messages all the timeeee. What about time to get to know each other? We had SO much time and we wasted on loves and kisses messages 🤦🏻♀️.
I want real love. Not some kind of love where all u want is affection and reassurance, I mean its good! But I rlly want to get to know each other more and more.
So whenever he asked me of why I love him. I would hesitate. Take a while to respond. How or what do I say? I do have feelings for him.. but why? Is it because of what he makes me feel? But no, its because of who he is. But what is he? What kind of person is he? I wanted to take my time to get to know him. But we messed up for constant XOXO. Its until maybe I lose him, which makes me realize, all the stuff about him, the kind of person he is
And I think I already told you. I can talk a lot about why I love him tbh. And I dont wanna say “I love him because he makes ME feel” blah blah blah. Its not about how he makes me feel. Its about his charms
Charisma. Who he is and what is he. Tbh I would tell you but I think I’ll say alottttttz… yk what? Ima say it MUAHAHAHA
Basically, I love him because (holly poop I literally knew what it was and suddenly my mind went WHITE WTH?!)
Basically, as I gotten to know him and maybe it wasnt enough, theres still more I want to know about him. But as far as I’ve seen, and heard. So far for the basics lol he is considerate around others, very respectful, calm, sometimes crazy, honest, obedient, caring, kind, anti vert, understand ive, and funny in his own way. He loves fishes hehe.
Then to a bit of a deeper level, he has a kind heart where he cares about his parents deeply. He looks out for his mom. He is respectful towards his dad. He is a hard worker when it comes to assignment/projects. He focuses when its necessary. He wants to help in what he can. He listens to his mom and makes sure to avoid problems.
And.. on a extra deeper level. To why I have feelings towards him.
Considering how hard he had throughout his life, his parents divorced. He really really loved his parents. He cared so much. Too much. But never did he decided to turn the sadness into anger and try to harm others. He always remained caring, he did his best to help his mom at a young age. He never liked arguments. He isolated himself, but when I tried to get to know him, I was seeing a cute silly kid. Now tho, I love seeing that side of him. When he expresses himself, his joy, his mood being relaxed, his average energy. A side of him I enjoy seeing, the way he talks and expresses is what gets my attention, I never seen anyone like him. But even if there was someone who expresses exactly like him. No one has his story and background like he has. The vibe I get from him. I love him because I love how I see him, and not everyone sees him that way of a really caring person. I love him for who he is, including his imperfections, he knows his priorities, and he needs to do. What needs to be done.
I love seeing a side of him of a happy Esteban. I love his energy. I can vibe with it.
And so I think its nice to see like.. after the break up, making me think of what is it that I love about him. And yet theres still more I wish to know about him. But I prefer irl. Rather than messages.
The way he sees his dad and how he’s grateful for his dad on raising my ex, how he cares about tradition haha. Theres so much I love about him. But I do want to maybe.. take this time in staying single, and hopefully.. get the chance to know him more rather than XOXO 24/7 when we dated lol
But its.. omg.. its also what he also brings inside of me, he brings me joy. I mean ofc relationships he brings me peace and closure. But if we talk about just friends, he brings me joy and I feel like I can express myself more and be more me. I like that a lot. I like being me when Im with him.
But Im not perfect and I messed up a lot. It wasnt the right timing.. 😔 but yeah.. so I would love to wait more than anything , wait for us to have time.
hardy flax
But I think.. all of that. Makes me love him. Give him what he deserves. I wasnt a great person, Im not. Not a great person either. I have my flaws. I want a great girl friend. I do regret. A lot of things. But it doesnt necessarily mean that it can never work out. That I cant change. That we both cant do it. I do want to treat him right. But I dont believe I can do that if we are back together this year or the next. Because there is still a lot for me to learn and do. And I must achieve a lot of things, in order to be ready. To do way better than before.
I want to give him.. so much. I get it that even if I say that to him, its not gonna make him come back yk? It takes time. But I hope he doesnt think about it in coming back rather than thinking that I deserve someone else.
I want to love him the proper and correct way. Be capable of giving him my time, and love. Learn what I should and shouldnt do. Have great qualities. I always wanted to cook for him since he loves to eat. I want to take care of him. I want to protect him. And show him how grateful I have to have him.
hardy flax
I dont think he loves me for me
For who I am
Because whyv
?
What was there to love me?
He had feelings for me for so long
But love?
Maybe its like…
We can try to get to know each other
I hope
Try to get to know each other properly
And then like..
Once I start working
See where this goes
I want to like..
Save up money for an apartment
Right now goal is 8k
hardy flax
I think my ex believes that Im doing fine rn
hardy flax
My heart feels like it aching
I feel so sad
Like Im drowing
I feel like crying again
Haha..
I want to cry..
.
MY EX TEXTED ME?????????
i mean he told me about how much it was raining
He apologized for not responding me yesterday and how he had to do work
Then he said uhhhh
Uh..
Well thats it
He showed me a picture of how it was raining outside
hardy flax
I kinda wished… he replied to what I said about “Also, I hope you know that what I enjoyed the most yesterday, was seeing your smile 😊 theres no price to how much I enjoy ur smile 🙂 I mean it ^^”
Haha
I cried
I cried a ton
My heart hurts
Its hurting again like crazy
It hurts it hurts it hurts
Im crying so hard right bow
Now
So so much
It hurts
It hurts
I cant. Stop it
I cant stop cryingp
hardy flax
I feel sad heh
Im glad Im not 21
Or else I’d be
Doing foolish stuff
So yk
Learning how to cope
Now I gotta calculate payment…
260,000
-8,000
=
257,000
Then theres..
294
Time 120
34,800
- 257,000
Soo
222,200
Mkay..
How do I make it into…
Hmm
Lol ya’ll dont know what Im doing
Hmm
10 years..
5yeare..
2..
What do I do first..
ok if it was 10 years
120
Divide by 222,200
1,851
Mk…
Then…
If it was 5 years..
60
Divided by 222,220
3,703
Hmmm
What about..
2 years..
24 divided by 222,220
Wait no
294 times 24
7,056
Soooo
249,944 😔
Mkay and then..
Hnmmmm
294 times 36
10,584 😨
Ok ok
Those are 3 years
Then..
10,584 divided by 24
441… mkay..
Then… UGH MY BRAIN
OH I GOT IT
36 divided by uhhh
Ah no
1,851 times 3
5553
Times 36
199908
Minus
257,000
UGH NVM
Oh oh!
Goal is to
1,851 times 60 (5 years)
= $111,060 total
Minus 257,000
$145,940
No wait
1851+294
Ah 128,700
Is the goal for 5 years left
Then..
-257000
128,300
Mkay..
So for 2 years
294 times 24
7,056
Minus 128,300
Is 121,244
Divide 24
Oh dang
5,051
Thats a lot..
I mean if I earned 10k monthly
Hmm
Divide 2…
2,525
I see..
Nah my dad cant do that..
If I worked hard 😔
Well I should be fine actually..
If I make it to age 21
By 20-
Oh wait
Nvm
Im cooked
Ugh
Im stuck
Foreverrrr
All I wanted was to live aloneeeeeee 😭😭😭
UGHHH 💔💔
I just gotta go with 1851 😔
10 years 😔
And then secretely save up like..
Uh
300 for apartment if possible
Will take 2 years
-sigh-
Then rent is gonna be like 2k
So basically
Its too much
I gotta work hard by 20
I cannot fool around
If I wanna be with my ex
hardy flax
I feel like..
Empty
Still
I feel like at any moment Im going to cry
I know I will
I still feel sad
Its like everyday the thought of losing hum
Him
I know it hasnt happened yet
But its just scary
The thought that he doesnt want to try
I mean I respect that he wants to focus in college
I feel rlly
Sad
hardy flax
I miss my ex
I went through my phone photos
And I saw a picture of me and him 2 weeks after the break up
He look rlly beautiful, very very sweet
I feel such a idiot
I have exam very soon and Im nervous
I’ve been so focused on my ex
Haha
I mean
Cmon
He wanted to break up…
Because of what I did…
Its my fault..
Haha..
hardy flax
I wont lie
I just cried
I miss him
A lot a lot
I guess
I miss the moments we had
I dont want it to be forever gone
hardy flax
I’ve been trying to feel fine
Idk I just
My heart
It feels like its about to race
And I start to breathe heavily
I dont want to go through that again
Its horrible
Reminds me when a month after me and my ex broke up, I slept on the chair and when I woke up
I started to panic
Felt like my mind was going crazy
My heart was racing so fast
I was breathing heavily
Its like I woke up and Im back from a horrible reality
Where me and my ex arent together ans perhaps its a never yk?
I dont want that
Ofc I dont
I still want there to be a chance for us to be together again
Haha..
Oh gosh..
I need to calm down
Or else I’ll start losing my mind haha..
Im going to lose my mind again..
Haha..
Heh..
Im sorry abi
For being a bad person
Im really sorry
I regret
A lot of things
Im sorry
For everything
Im sorry
hardy flax
I must focus studying
I havent used my computer for over 2 months I think
I stopped because it reminded me of my ex
And I would always feel bad
But now I have to suck it up and start using my computer to study properly
hardy flax
My ex drew this flower representing me on November 28 2024
hardy flax
I miss my ex
I cried at 2:20am for over an hour
Then I slept at 4:10am
I woke up
At 9:25
Am
And my eyes were soooooo puffy
My parents noticed
Im glad they didnt ask why I was crying
Altho they are a bit concerned
Anyways
My eyes are less puffy now
And I have to get ready for the meeting
hardy flax
My ex texted me
But it wasnt much
He texted me like at 8am
The thing is, I woke up at 9
I cannot wake up at 8 cuz theres no reason for me to do that
Since I dont go to school and work
And Im also like
A part of me still feels sad about the break up
Even tho its been 112 days
But hey
3 more weeks and he is done with first semester
And guess what?
After that
There is..
Uhm
7 more semesters to go!
Or 9
If he wants to take a 5 year of college rather than 4
But Ima just stick to 7 semesters
hardy flax
Not as in Ima just wait for him like 7 semesters
No
I mean like
Its just what Ima assume that he’ll take
But idk I feel like he’ll prob do 5 years
Either way
Theres like
1303 days left until he finishes his 4 years of college
A lot huh? :3
I wish he was here
Or he cared enough to notice
Mm
Me?
hardy flax
Im still committed to stay here
And just not move out where my parents want to go
So Ima just study rn
hardy flax
Maybe someday
I’ll go to an aquarium
Alone
Knowing that I wouldve loved to go with my ex
Now the reason why Ima go to an aquarium is because I just wanna imagine
How it couldve been like with my ex
And something that I really wanted to do was go on a date with him there
hardy flax
I just finished writing a letter
Anddd
I turned on my computer
And recorded myself
Showing the stuff my ex gave me
The flower he drew for me, I printed it and I have it safe on my wallet
And I said a few things
Showed the letters that I’ve been writing everyday
And yeah
I cried
I look ugly crying haha
Theres recording are just like…
Records
Memories
Yeh
I dont think I’ll ever show it to my ex
Besides
If he saw the video
He’ll prob feel lots of guilt
Or idk
Burden
Or blame himself
Or he’ll just tell me that its best for us to stop talking
Idk
Who knows
hardy flax
Pfft
“Who knows”
Literally the song bro that I listen to everyday
Anyways
Haha
Its been 112 days since the break up
Esteban I still miss you
And a part of me still yearns for you
What would I do for love?
Hmm
I’ll study hard
I’ll learnt to play the guitar “who knows” song
Dedicated for you ❤️❤️
I love you Esteban King ❤️
🙂
What else would I do for love?
Hmm
I’ll still save up money to stay here in California
I’ll pass this exam
For you
I’ll learn to drive asap just for you Esteban<3
I’ll do my best for you
Mkay?
Im sorry
For not being enough
And
Im not doing these things for you, JUST so u can have me back
Thats not the reason why I do this
And why I will work hard
The reason to why Im doing this
Is simple
I have feelings for you
And I want to do these things for you
I also do them for me as well
But ur my motivation of working hard
I’ll do my best for you my love 🙂
I miss you
hardy flax
Im trying to figure out how to remember words
Its a lot
Over 200 words
That Im struggling
And in just less than 30 days I have the exam
UGHHHH
hardy flax
Crying hehe
Mkaayyy studybtimeee
I just got home from work
Wait..
Iam eat first
THEN study
hardy flax
I just finished eating
Shower
Anddd
Idk if I should study tbh…
Its 2am rn
I feel like my heart still aches
Listening to “heartbreak anniversary” song
Reminding myself of him haha
Just like the day that I met ya~
the day I thought forevaahhh~
You say that you love me..~
but that will last for nevaahhh~
Ohhh these days that feel like you and meeeeee
Heartbreak anniversary.. do you ever think of.. meeee
Ima try to sleep
I think for studyingfg uhhh
Sooo tomorrowwww
Uhh
Ima like…
Hmmm
Ok ok
So
UGH THINK THINK
BRO
I think Im sleepy
Thats why I cant think
hardy flax
Hi
So
I just found out
He cheated on me
When we dayed
Dated*
so
Idk what to do
Im not crying
To cheaters
Soooo
Ima call him early in the morning todayyyy
At 6:00 or 6:30
Since he wakes up early
And idk if Ima go to see him
But
We’ll see
Yk?
Uhhh
I gotta figure out what to tell him..
hardy flax
I didnt eat anything today…
Yesh
I guess what I found out..
Really got me yk?
I didnt est snything today
Ima sleep
Today was a hsrd day
For many of us
Haha
Idk
hardy flax
Yesterday I didnt ate anything
Today I still dont feel hungry
Idk its weird
Im just
Not hungry
At all
hardy flax
Hey
So
Lots of things happened
My ex has been cheating on me ever since we dated
Cuz turns out that he has been with another girl
And he kinda confessed his feelings for me
While dating her
And soo
Yeah
I am mad..
I dont see myself dating him again
But I do pity him
So
Yeah
I think this might be the end of
Uhm
Journal
Goodbye now
hardy flax
Or idk if its the end
Basically whats going to happen is
My ex will tell her the truth On Monday like that he has been cheating on her
Because he was dating me
Andddi
Yeah
I cant say more
Because I know that I’ll be judged
I mean
Ok ok fine
Basically
He will stop contacting her and seeing or talking to her
No more communication basically
Anddd
Me and my ex will still be in touch or wtv
Just not dating
And Im not sure if I can call him a friend either
Since I dont trust him
But I did told him that I’ll still be here
Sooo
Idk
The reason why Ima still be here
Is because I dont want him to be alone
Like
Be alone
And making his life worse
Even tho yeah ya’ll will say that he deserves it
Like having a horrible life
But like cmon bro
We are just human being
We arent perfect
We make the stupid mistakes and hurt people too!
Sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally
And I feel like he needs help
Idc if he says that he doesnt
He really does need help
hardy flax
my ex said goodbye to me
because he wants to move on, grow, and mature
but he cant do it and he cant be happy or whatever, like... he cant be my friend or stay in contact since he will feel guilt for hurting me
so..
Im alone
uhm
day..
129
since the break up I guess?
uhm
this is where it ends
I cried a bit
Im trying to move on
uhm
Yeah Im hurt
but
oh well
what can I do?
cedar pecan
keep it going! you're doing great and im sure you got this!
hardy flax
keep it going! you're doing great and im sure you got this!
Thank you 
So.. self healing Journal Kitkat…
I can do this
I lost him once 4 years ago
I lost him again this year
Uhm
It feels weird
Im not chasing him
As in.. loving him again
Im not desperate as I was before
My main focus now is me
Grow up
And I want to say
Thank you for those who has been reading this
And who came here
Try to support me
When I was at my lowest
This year wasnt the best
Perhaps it was one of the worst
But
Im grateful that it happened
Why you may ask?
Because it has taught me so much
I loved
I got heartbroken
I lost my cousin (he died) while I was suffering with heartbreak
I got betrayed and cheated on
I got heartbroken once more
I learned to love to cry to forgive to love once more
I learn to appreciate
I learn to care for others
Even when its those who hurted me
Who made me yearn and cry
I learn to accept them
Even after their ugly flaws
I wish we couldve still kept in touch
I wish he could be safe and make the right choices this time
Im happy to have met him
To suffer
To love
I hope someday
I see him again
But as for now
I must grow
And enjoy life without him
And hopefully
In 3-5 years
I text him
And catch up
It kinda depends on how he is cuz if he is doing bad stuff then I may not reach out
But yeah
Now its me
Love myself
For how much I’ve endured
And the things I was capable of doing that I never thought I could do
And what was that you may ask?
Forgive 
Its something beautiful
Let go of it
And move on
I hope he does the right things
I might see him this month
Who knows
Unless he is uncomfortable to see me ;-;
But
If I see him again
I’ll be happy
And I hope I can say thank you again
To him
And have a proper conversation
hardy flax
Hello
Its been 16 days since
Uh
Being here
I dont want to talk much about what happened
Since it does make me sad
All I’ll say is that
So far
We ended on “good terms”
he left me.
He still has her
And
Now its just me
We havent talked
For 17days
And uhm
Yeah
Im trying to focus on myself
So far Im trying
I uh
Dont know how to feel
Everyday isnt easy