My girl problems, M22 | The Therapy Center | Page 7

frank ledge Oct 21, 2025, 6:58 AM

#

This ghostly little doll can try and manipulate me much as she wants but I wouldn't beat my head up over it. She's just someone. Being in relationships it's about being a people person too. Understanding and coming out above that, drifting over it like a wave in the ocean, you stay on top instead of letting it pull you under and drown you

#

I think about it, how my mind doesn't register the relationship between her and I as wrong but everyone else in this world does. I think I lack morals, but that is an internal and personal struggle to improve on my own time, and it starts with acknowledging it and being self aware to say it

#

With that being said I have a unique psychology because of my mental illness, I don't think or feel the same as everyone else in the world or the average person and that's both a blessing and a curse. If I ever do have a breakup with Raya I dream of being her wingman and finding her a man around her age that she can be with. I would help her with that if it ever came to that, because that's how selfless I am

#

But I don't think she would let me, it would hurt her, and maybe us, it would contradict her uh.. fantasy of guys like me

#

Raya sees me as a bit sociopathic to be with her too and it may be right, but she doesn't care about what's wrong either
She recently linked me some song and a lyric that stood out to me was "He has a darkness to his eyes"

#

Haha I remember when her and I were going on rollercoasters last Sunday, she didn't wanna go on one because she heard from people it was dangerous and risky. I pressured her to and said, "Not hardcore enough?" She then started strutting over there. I told her I'd go on any one of them, no fear

#

I was missing my old self recently, my healthy ways, but that I can always go back to. Will I want to, is the question

#

Sometimes when you're so close with someone, in a relationship, with a girl, you can feel their thoughts. You can almost hear them. You have some sorta telepathy, or extra sense, you just know them. It's like knowing what someone will say before they say it. Intuitiveness

#

Raya is constantly shocked and surprised at me, who I am and how I am. I'm a rare occurrence to her, but she shouldn't be, I tried to let her know a while ago that the typical guy wouldn't date her, and in that same conversation she had cried over me but it was true. She lacks some self awareness I find, she doesn't know why someone wouldn't be with her this whole time when it's all so obvious and blatantly clear, it's just having somebody who's willing to put up with it and tolerate it because that's how much they love you

#

Like yeah... How is it shocking, there's other crazies in the world other than you that will like your crazy too. Wow, new discovery for her maybe

#

The typical guy wouldn't date her, and by typical I mean... One that's more straight edge, safety and security is a priority, has high morale, one that's actually normal, I fear to write. A man like that is one that I am envious of. Because some of us aren't built or made that way

#

I can live a lifestyle of all those characteristics but I wouldn't be fully satisfied with it, I'd be seeking some wildness behind the scenes, have a bit of a double life, id still be a liar

#

I've thought about growing older and getting myself a social circle of people who enjoy extreme sports and what's especially legal, I dream of that, one day

frank ledge Oct 21, 2025, 7:21 AM

#

frank ledge The typical guy wouldn't date her, and by typical I mean... One that's more stra...

But I knew Raya was so upset at that because it makes her face herself, her own lifestyle and risky ways, all those guys she was checking out at our college had me almost confused, like how could you ever think they'd want you, when they're actually good. Mean of me, I know

#

I remember I once put a TW on this forum post for TOXIC, that was funny to think back on, oh my god, ha ha

#

I was like scoping out those guys she was looking at before her and I were together, and I thought, there's no way, no wonder she had 2 different guys report her to the school board, like she's unaware of who she could have a chance with, nothing but grandiose dreams in that girl

#

Most of those guys were barely a day over 21 too, and don't have an essence of edge or danger to them, I can tell she was drawn in by hmmm a sort of naiveness or youth they still had, an innocence that I could try to replicate but that I lost years ago that there are reasons of why I don't have. Because she's hmm a cougar, she was probably in awe, but I get jealous thinking about it. The fact she wanted what she couldn't have

#

Like screw that. Take a look at me instead. Except she didn't. Didn't see me much, no. I probably looked too mature for her. So much personality in that patchwork jacket I have

#

With all this trauma and mental illness under my belt those younger guys she was checking out do not have half the amount of personality that I have and that's what brought her in instead

#

I remember when my girl was asking if she wouldn't mind if I wanted a 3rd person involved in our relationship and yet she told me I'm not allowed to have any friends who are girls, makes no sense, the double standards are real

#

I know Raya my current girlfriend will be thinking about me until the day she dies

#

She will be on her deathbed and I'll cross her mind and I know it

#

I remember when her and I were sitting down on a bench outside of an ice cream shop sharing some treat and a guy came over, sat down right beside us, and started blaring Lana Del Rey. I'm not even kidding you. Raya didn't even notice, she didn't connect that song artist to... y'know, Lana del Reys past controversies of relationships and the hints she would apparently drop in her music of dating older men. That's the connection. That except gender swapped. I remember asking this forum what the male version of Lana del rey is. My life is like a movie

#

I'm just recalling some stuff, y'know? I don't mean to repeat myself but it's interesting to look back on. Ahh, life. The world around her and I.

#

What also came to my mind was her saying, "I don't take you value your family very much Jake." Agh. That almost pains me, but I wish it pained me more than it does. Because I want to say I do, and I will, but is there any emotions that come with that? Not much as I'd like there to be. Besides my parent figures are a mess, I don't live with my bio mom or dad, they live complicated lives, I live with their siblings. It's more of a shame burden to carry than anything else when it comes to feeling. But I did some research on that problem, y'know, people, sons and daughters that just can't listen, that are selfish and do things that hurt others secretly. I did some research on that though, and found some correlation between that and ADHD. Apparently people who are neurodiverse, who also lie, to do things behind the scenes that are self destructive or hedonistic in nature are people who barely get better or will heal from these lying habits. They are very hard to treat through therapy, and most of them never get better. It is because it is already a habit, did & done, no coming back from. Yep.

#

Andddd I don't think it is something I want to come back from. Everyone has skeletons in their closet. However I daydream and fantasize of a life, where I can be completely honest with my family, experience connection, and my ways have also made it so that my family doesn't know the real me. They don't know the depth of my personal struggles or the complexity of my character. They just know the surface of who they think I am and not who I've hidden. That's too bad. But that's why other people exist outside of them, who I can be honest to

#

Don't these therapists exist for a reason? So that your personal struggles don't get in the way of your relationships and family life. I excuse that

#

While I researched that crap, they talked about how these neurodiverse sons and daughters and their shame & guilt factors were under active or less present due to them valuing these hedonistic behaviors over digging into those feelings and processing them, ADHD or... whatever, gonna write autism down too even though they didn't mention it, it's also whatever hedonism it exactly is... is numbing them to properly feeling those emotions of shame and guilt anyway

#

Some things will just forever be secrets, won't they. At times I fear Raya getting in touch with my family at the end of a breakup and spilling everything we've ever done to them because she wants to make an impact on me and who we were. I have a strong feeling she would do something like that, and if it does, I'll just take it on the chin, I won't cry or let myself be caved in but it'll just be what it is. Everyone will have no choice but to accept what her and I have done, and my family may love me less and the trust issues I've already given them will deepen, but at the end of the day this is my life, I was born bored and with a chase for something a lot more intense than what society wants to allow me to have

#

And once that info would get out to my bio parents, they'd probably smile, and think how much of an untamed renegade I grew into in endearment of my wildness

#

Like whatever, y'know, I'm still alive, that's what matters

#

I'll always be asking myself, can it get wilder? Can it get wilder? With a beat of a drum in my head that I wish would keep getting faster and faster until I can no longer keep track of it

#

It'll be the death of me truly

#

And suddenly you are up at 4 AM reflecting on how much of a crazy bastard you are, 40% of your blood is nicotine, you realize you love a woman double your age, and you have to wake up in 4 hours and 15 minutes

#

I have a dye job to plan, unfinished homework that I decided to happily not do, and a coffee I can't wait to make next morning

#

I've also been thinking of something I can cook or bake for my girlfriend to be sweet

#

Spice, sugar, and everything nice

#

Put on some Kali Uchis while making it and I should put it in a cute little box with a ribbon I'm thinking

#

Y'know like heyyy sugar, hahaha

#

Should put a note in it with some poetry I'll write for her, about us, because she still has other stuff I've written set as her phone background

whole storm Oct 21, 2025, 3:01 PM

#

PeepoSip

frank ledge Oct 23, 2025, 3:42 AM

#

IM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW THE 21 HEARTS, WILL NOT CHANGE ME

frank ledge Oct 25, 2025, 5:21 PM

#

It's Saturday October 25

#

I am going out with my gf today soon, ready to see what will be thrown at me

#

Can't wait to see Miss trouble today

#

I remember when her and I went to that rollercoaster park in line, this guy was standing beside her near her height and his face was getting close to hers it was starting to make me mad

#

I wanted to uppercut him in the face I'm not even kidding

#

I can't wait to bring up Raya in therapy in a few years from now it will be so much fun

#

I'd show my therapist a picture of her and I's faces from that photobooth that showed our visible age difference

#

That photo haunts me everyday how old she looks in comparison in that bright ass light

#

She has hers pinned on her apartment fridge

#

I'm sorry I love her and all her wrinkles in comparison to my smoother face

#

I don't know how to let go of this woman I just couldn't

#

I love how she sent me this today, "Just know that I love you. I love you with all of my (censored) up, piece of (censored) heart."

#

Those are cusses what's in the brackets that I can't say here

#

Like wow someone is growing self awareness suddenly

#

Like in that photobooth pic you can clearly see EVERYTHING on our faces it is so high quality for no reason LOL

#

THAT BIG ASS LIGHT JUST BEAMING ON BOTH OF US

#

FUN FACT ME AND RAYA HAD OUR FIRST KISS IN FRONT OF JASMINES HOUSE LMAO

#

Oh man sometimes she looks like my mom or something idk

#

She's definitely given me some new wrinkles recently with the bad behaviors we've indulged in

#

So I can't judge y'know I'm also getting them

#

Too much clubbing and stimulants

#

That picture is gonna be seen by my future therapists I swear to god it will be a hot commodity among multiple teams of mental professionals

#

Like hot damn girl I can see decades in that skin of yours

#

I like how when other guys see Raya around my age they get genuinely scared of her, like they are filled with fear and meanwhile my crazy ass is like ouhh yeahhh

#

She is so menacing in comparison to other girls or women

#

and when Raya gets more tired like around nighttime or especially when she just woke up from sleeping or a nap, I can sorta see her facade fade of being this party hard forever young girl and instead I see a less masked version of herself that is just an older croaky broad that lived a tougher life and never really recovered from destructive habits that she found fun and someone who also likes problematic things

#

Love when she ditches the mannerisms that 20 year old women have and reveals her mean controlling nature

#

and I can see her starting to try and hide that when she wakes up now from me like she doesn't want me to see the personality of her natural age. She wants to play a younger spirit with me, so I stay interested. But I can't be damned, honestly, she can act whatever age she wants to. I'll see every side of her, like who cares, not me.

#

I like how Raya gave her most toxic and reckless self at the start of our relationship and started to nice-out or calm out as months passed by like she was testing me and how much of her I can tolerate

#

And that made her see me as an absolute psycho to not be affected by her trying to instill fear in me with crazy speeding while driving and picking up kitchen knives to undo her shoelaces when angry because I have to leave her apartment early to do other crap LOL...

#

Like yeah you're harder to love, so what

#

I was posted up on her apartment door both hands gripping the hinges, knees spread to the same width of the door, thinking of nursery rhymes at that point

#

I'm kidding but at times it's more of alarming and concerning than making me scared, it doesn't make me feel good, yeah

#

I just hope she doesn't take some of my limbs off and ask if I still wanna be with her

#

I better not break up with this chick and end up with 1 eye left at the end of the relationship

#

YKNOW LIKE HAHAHA THESE CRAZY CHICKS THEY WANNA LEAVE PERMANENT SCARS ON YOU SO THAT YOU REMEMBER THEM FOREVER

#

She picked that kitchen knife up and bro Im crawling up the walls suddenly

#

I was hanging from the ceiling light like I can't

#

And as crazy as she sounds I have survived and tease her about the ways she is

#

LIKE WHY IS SHE PICKING UP A KITCHEN KNIFE 10 MINS BEFORE WE LEAVE WHAT THE @@@@ IS HAPPENING HERE

#

LIKE YES I AM SCARED BUT IN THE EXCITED WAY DONT THREATEN ME WITH SUCH A GOOD TIME YKNOW HAHA... GULPS

#

I definitely remembered that, yep. Her emotional outbursts of anger, and sadness

#

I need a shirt that says, "YOU CAN'T SCARE ME. I HAVE SCHIZOPHRENIA." For the toxic women that wanna endanger me

#

But anyways... I just have to forget about all of that when I see her in person and that drop dead gorgeous face she got

#

This woman looks crafted out of ice, like she was chipped out by the finest stone carvers in the world with her jaw that can cut someone if they got too close

#

Her eyes look like they're a greyish silver color when she has her glasses on, and you can see mischief in them

#

I bet her collarbones can hold two cups of water in them from how much they stick out

#

She has that hole in her neck that smokers get over time

#

I accept her bony little stick figure alright I don't body shame anybody

#

I remember when I accidentally bit Raya's hip bone and I swear to god I fit half of it in my mouth and the other half was under the skin

#

Sorry I'm gross

#

My girlfriend's face just has this striking stunningly creepiness to it

#

Love me a creep and freak

#

Some guys catch one glance of this lady and they wanna get away

#

My chemistry just seems to be backwards

#

I remember seeing her and I wanted her to ruin my life right off the bat

#

Other than this crazy crap, Raya's told me something that made me see a preciousness to her and it was her saying if we were ever gonna marry each other she has a special place in mind that she would like me to propose

#

When she said that I looked back on it and I feel bad because I feel like I'm wasting her time, when she can be finding someone else who will want to marry her, because I won't... Like she deserves someone more than me

#

Like oh damn you aren't just this soul sucking demon but you are a nice woman who's faced many troubles in life that deserves a husband that loves you to death too

#

And idk if that can be me

#

I'm too young for that crap I'm sorry

#

My family would kill me on top of that

#

They would show up to that marriage and burn the entire scene down

#

The venue would explode

#

But I love this girl so much

#

And how wild and aged she is

#

I may be catching feelings now I can't lie the attachment is growing on me

#

I bet if her and I had kids they'd grow up and be riddled with every mental illness this worlds ever seen

#

That is off the table

#

Raya said if I wanted to work in uhh.. adult entertainment... she wouldn't mind. Which I was surprised by

#

and yes I have thought of that as an occupation and worked within that a bit before and made tons of money

#

I'm embarrassed for saying this here anyway

#

Y'all didn't read anything shut up

#

The only thing is that job gets tiring, mentally and physically, you start to feel drained and slightly messed up by it

#

LOOK SCHOOLS GETTING HARD, ALRIGHT? A GUYS GOTTA MAKE MONEY SOMEHOW

#

MY BANK ACCOUNTS GOING DOWN

#

IT IS EMPTYING JUST LIKE HOW MY SOUL WILL WHEN I START WORKING AS THAT AGAIN

#

IT IS WHAT IT IS

#

AND NO IM NOT SAYING EXACTLY WHAT IT IS THIS SERVER IS FULL OF KIDS

#

MOVING ON

#

I can't wait to get all this woman's cakey makeup all over me by the end of today

#

We will be starting off with a couple layers of lotion to save my skin before seeing her, y'know what I should just pile vaseline on my face instead like those UFC fighters do before rounds of fighting

#

That is what I call protection

#

I end up wearing it too

#

and she hates when I take it off

#

LIKE MY SKIN IS SUFFERING HELLO ITS SCREAMING HOW DO GIRLS WEAR THAT

#

IT STICKS TO MY CLOTHING TOO AND THEN I HAVE MORE LAUNDRY

#

OH NOO MY LIFE IS SO HORRIBLE I GET WOMENS MAKEUP ALL OVER ME SO AWFUL

#

Anyways

#

I am two coffees down

#

It is 2 pm

#

and I'll be throwing on my jersey that has the last two numbers of her birth year on it

#

Half of me is nicotine and caffeine and the other half is crappy takeout food

#

I forgot to bake her sweets because I was busy trying to fix my suffering relationship with my parent figures

#

I remember my uncle yelling at me, "YOU THINK IM DUMB? YOU TWO ARE MORE THAN JUST FRIENDS. YOU SPEND DAYS OVERNIGHT AT HER HOUSE. DAYS."

#

I was sweating bullets trying to keep my composure and lying act up

#

The stuff I do to keep her and I together must be love

#

and I believe I am such a good liar because of a decade of acting school.

#

Yes, a decade, you heard that right

#

I started since I was a kid

#

Until I got expelled from 2 of the best ones in my district lol

#

But I had become, a teacher of it too, from how good I was

#

BUT OTHER THAN THAT...

#

THANKS FOR THE HUNDRED INFRACTIONS FOR HARASSMENT ON MY ACADEMY RECORDS THAT WILL STICK WITH ME

#

NOW EXCUSE ME I GOT A GIRLFRIEND TO GET TO

#

SONG OF THE DAY, Butterfly by Crazy Town

frank ledge Oct 26, 2025, 5:32 PM

#

I've been out with raya

#

Left yesterday night

#

Ai ai ai

#

It's october 26, "2025"
The new year is in 3 months I think...

#

Sunday, at my gfs place

#

For those romantics out there, hearts keep showing up in random stuff between my gf and I.

#

I was making a cappuccino and when I added the creamer, a heart formed in the cup

#

Before that I had put my chain on her nightstand in her bedroom and I pulled it around to make the shape of a heart

#

I remember drawing more hearts using a utensil in the coffee

#

Her and I were both laughing about it

#

She wore some high heels today and was closer to my height

#

I remember last night on Saturday 25, while her and I were playfighting since... I train kickboxing or martial arts. Just some push and pull is all... I started to get mood swings out of nowhere and I told her that, and then I said im having emotional problems

#

I started crying in her bed beside her lol, but hid it by covering my face and she only had a black light on

#

I tried to drift off to sleep to avoid feeling sad

#

At the time I was thinking about other stuff in my life that was overwhelming me unrelated to Raya

dense sky Oct 27, 2025, 9:01 PM

#

frank ledge It's __Saturday October 25__

@weary umbra

frank ledge Oct 28, 2025, 10:07 PM

#

Lol

#

Anyway

#

It's Tuesday, October 28

#

Raya, my girlfriend and I are doing fine. I've been more emotional than usual, mood swings and crying while thinking about her and our bad habits together

#

The "you can't have any friends who are girls" thing... I'm gonna still be talking to whoever I want to

#

Im not hanging out with any other girls though on my free time

frank ledge Oct 28, 2025, 10:11 PM

#

frank ledge The "you can't have any friends who are girls" thing... I'm gonna still be talki...

I think that's toxic I'm sorry but

#

"you don't need any other girl in your life except me!"

#

It just doesn't make sense in the long run, it's not realistic

#

Life shouldn't work that way where someone else controls who I talk to just bc they're the opposite gender as me

#

And I can tell Raya isn't being too strict on that, because she checks my following on insta, and I have a good few new girls that have showed up on my following and she hasn't said NADDA about it

#

Like yeah. She shouldn't be. It seemed like it was just talk, and jealousy for her to say that I shouldn't have any friends who are women

#

And when she meets MY friends, who's she gonna be talking to? A bunch of guys then? Only men? Hell no. See what I mean.

#

She shows up to MY parties, and who's she meeting? ONLY GUYS there? No.

#

That would be awkward, and then it goes to show, why would you wanna be surrounded by my guy friends with no girls around to talk to in social settings

#

Plus it's nice to have a balance of friends that are both men and women that you can talk to

#

You should be able to, and it shows a more "versatile personality" and social skills to have friends that are both

#

She gotta work on her jealousy fr

#

The possessiveness can be too much sometimes like don't try to put fear in me through endangering me just cause you're jealous

#

And that's happened before

#

I look back on it and it just sits in the back of my mind because I haven't mentioned it to my gf at all

#

She would probably get super nervous, mad, sad, lash out at me, ignore me for some hours, think I'm breaking up with her. I don't wanna deal with it

#

I'm not gonna also forget that Jasmine a past friend of both of us said she felt traumatized after Raya almost got all three of us in a life threatening car crash while she was high off a stimulant and speeding and said "No, I dont slow down." When I told her to

#

That makes me feel mad inside

#

You know what I'm glad Raya's car broke down that one day

#

Because ever since she got her new car she has actually been driving a lot safer

#

I remember she was driving us somewhere and I was thinking to myself,
Why do I actually feel safe for once in a car with this woman LOL

#

LIKE IT WAS A NEW FEELING TO ME, TO NOT FEEL LIKE MY LIFE WAS IN HER HANDS FOR ONCE

#

TO FEEL SAFE, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ALL 4 MONTHS OF DATING HER

#

But anyway...

#

So ...

#

Next weekend her and I are planning to go out, it's gonna be Halloween..

#

She wants to take me out to this hotel to stay overnight for 2 days so we can club and party for the holiday

#

So neither of us will have to drive back

#

I just know she's gonna be getting drunk and messed up like hell this weekend

#

She said there's this house party she wants to take me to, and she knows the host. I feel a bit skeptical, but whatever. I just don't wanna end up in a bad place. Who knows what my lady's capable of. She's sketchy. I don't know all 40 years of her friends, alright, and I never will know where she's completely been.

#

I was feeling paranoia this week, a lotta. About this brand Raya bought for me. The clothes are unique, and for the military or martial artists, for "rebellious communities" apparently. Like what brand is this tied to, I've never seen it in my life, it has a cheeky name, it's super uncommon, and looks foreign.

#

Like don't get me wrapped up in any gang activity, human trafficking, y'know? That's what I fear most, that this girl can be taking me into.
There's this sketchy person she seems to be texting, and going to see with me each time her and I hang out. This same person deals illegal substances, and loans or trades money with my girlfriend. I told my gf, I don't like em', something about their vibe is weird, why are they always seeing me? I don't trust it.

#

Always texting my freaking girlfriend when her and I are together, butting in at random times. Like who the hell are you, y'know?

frank ledge Oct 28, 2025, 10:40 PM

#

frank ledge Like don't get me wrapped up in any gang activity, human trafficking, y'know? Th...

Just based off of the clothes she bought me, this brand, an entire WARDROBE OF IT. Ive thought about it with an off-putting gut feeling. This old lady, wants me walking around with these clothes, huh? This very specific brand she picked out for me, as if she claimed me or something. Maybe it's just my paranoia and a generous gift.

#

Now she wants me to stay in some random ass hotels motels.. and wants to introduce me to her old ass friends. Okay then. Haha. Rub me the wrong way, I'll bring a propane can and plant it in their house's heater. That place is gonna freaking blow if your sketchy friends are messing with me

#

Kidding, but I'm definitely bringing some weapons

#

And uh, Tw for grooming and weird behavior. ||I'm not gonna forget how Raya tried to GET ME to drag some underage kid into a relationship with us. And have me help her groom them. Hell no. I talked some sense into Raya after that, have you no morals? Because I do. That was disgusting. I almost broke up with this psycho for that. After that, she drove around all crazy trying to instill fear in me. I told her, you go near that kid and we are done. I'll protect him, not over my dead body is he coming anywhere near us.||

#

See what I mean by sketchy. Yep. Now this brand she has me wearing around.. what? There cameras in these damn drawstrings? I'll forever be suspicious of this lady, because she's messed up in the damn head. But someone has to love her.

frank ledge Oct 28, 2025, 10:48 PM

#

frank ledge And uh, Tw for grooming and weird behavior. ||I'm not gonna forget how Raya trie...

||In that same conversation, I brought up pedophilia. Yeah. I ain't scared. I told her, there's PSYCHIATRIC HELP YOU CAN GET. Therapy, for people who do those exact things, who are attracted to people too young for them. She was shaken for days.||

#

Anyway. Hard read. Even I'm uncomfortable. Jesus Christ. My girlfriend's 44 to remind you all, and I'm 22. She's double my age. That's bad as is.

#

I'm gonna be dying my hair soon or something, get a crazy color, so I don't get dragged into some weird illegal rings in the run down cities she takes me to or crazy crap like that. Plus I'm tall as hell. I'm hard to grab onto and drag around physically.

#

That person that keeps calling and texting her makes me mad, man. I don't know who they are, and it pisses me off this weird money loaning that I peep when I'm at her place. Criminal written all over this woman. Deep down inside I can't wait for a better one to enter my life and save me.

verbal fern Oct 28, 2025, 10:56 PM

#

frank ledge And uh, Tw for grooming and weird behavior. ||I'm not gonna forget how Raya trie...

hey, this is REALLY bad man

frank ledge Oct 28, 2025, 10:57 PM

#

I know it is, she's a weird lady around the edges. I spoke to her about it, let her know how wrong it is, even people tell me I'm being ||groomed by her||

#

It makes me angry to look back on it, like it's festering inside me

verbal fern Oct 28, 2025, 10:59 PM

#

please make good choices dude, i can't force you to do anything and i know how hard it can be to leave someone who gives you that rush/that you genuinely love, but that isn't something you should ever willingly be around

frank ledge Oct 28, 2025, 10:59 PM

#

What can a guy do? I was thinking if I'm of legal age then our relationship is fine and healthy in that area

#

That she won't be seeking out anyone that is illegal for her to be with, since she has me

#

But I'm still a young guy, I'm nowhere near her age, but Raya's also nowhere near the expectations society holds her to at her age

#

People take a glance at Raya and see a child in her, like she's mentally young. Hell, my aunt and uncle said she acts like she's 15 years old. Isn't that crazy?

verbal fern Oct 28, 2025, 11:02 PM

#

frank ledge What can a guy do? I was thinking if I'm of legal age then our relationship is f...

this is true legally, but non legally you both have intense gaps in maturity that effects what's healthy and what's not. i won't tell you what not or what to do, but i highly recommend getting out of this situation asap before it drags you down more than it already has. if you're worried about her getting other victims, like illegal type victims, tell someone. a therapist, officer, someone who can help her while you get out.

frank ledge Oct 28, 2025, 11:02 PM

#

I don't know, lady acts like she's in her early 20s to me

verbal fern Oct 28, 2025, 11:02 PM

#

you shouldn't sacrifice yourself for something so unhealthy, i admit it's wayy easier said than done though and i wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.

frank ledge Oct 28, 2025, 11:03 PM

#

Yeah, thanks. For understanding and saying that. Because that would make that kid a victim. What else would that lead to..? What is she using me for. All these questions and worry.

#

You can tell this girl hasn't mentally aged over 25. She says that to me herself, like she's self aware about it.

#

The way she puts on the mannerisms of like a teen girl or a young lady in her 20s is something my uncle called out. That everyone sees too. I can tell it's a bit of an act, like it's unnatural. Maybe it's wanting to stay in touch with her youth too. I remember finding that creepy as hell, but y'know whatever... I've accepted who she is... I have more morals than her

#

Shawty is a bit age regressed to 25 in her life but that's okay with me

scarlet spire Oct 29, 2025, 1:48 AM

#

Off topic, but HEAVENS TO BETSY I've never seen so much writing by one person

frank ledge Oct 29, 2025, 2:25 AM

#

Yea

#

My mind runs

#

This girlfriend makes my head spin

#

I don't think she sees how sick she is

#

I have a feeling I'll get tired of her ways

#

Her poison

frank ledge Oct 29, 2025, 2:28 AM

#

frank ledge I don't think she sees how sick she is

I try to remind myself that I am sick too

#

For being with her and I get sicker as time goes on

#

I wish I could help her

#

Recently Raya crossed some boundaries of mine ||sexually|| and it hurt my body to where I struggled to get up in the morning and even move

#

I was late to go somewhere bc of the pain I was in and took meds bc of it

#

I don't know why I'm still with this girl

#

I wanna talk to her about it but I've been so tired physically and mentally

#

Ive been having weird health problems from following her lifestyle and ||letting her do whatever she wants with me||

#

I think I'm just traumatizing myself from staying with her

#

Like it's a form of ||self harm,|| or self punishing, to let this all happen

#

I think of all the bad stuff I've done sometimes and think I deserve this

#

Raya called me today and I had picked up and she spoke to me for a whole hour on the phone and I don't think I said over 10 words to her during that time

#

She was the only one talking and I'd let out an occasional "Mhm" here and there to show I'm still there, and not on mute...

#

and I was sort of feeling tired, of this older mind looking over mine

#

She feels like a distraction at times from things in my life that I once used to care more about that were important

#

Thanks for the 22 hearts

#

You can see I'm good at writing

frank ledge Oct 29, 2025, 2:50 AM

#

frank ledge Recently Raya crossed some boundaries of mine ||sexually|| and it hurt my body t...

I shouldve gotten mad at her but I was upset at the time about something else

#

It's not too late to

frank ledge Oct 31, 2025, 12:42 AM

#

Thursday, October 30th
The day before Halloween / Hallows eve

#

So.. my gf fell asleep on call with me just now. About to reach the 1 hour marker

#

Kinda finding it cute, yeah. I also like how when I called Raya in a good mood like I wanted to speak with her she reciprocates that... our moods rub off on each other sorta

#

Her and I are planning what to do for the weekend... and I really don't wanna go to school tomorrow because it's Halloween and it happens once a year. Ive had the worst relationship with my parental figures though... ig. My aunt and uncle threatening to kick me out if I don't pass and whatever. What can a guy do, y'know, he can only do so much

#

ASAP rocky once said I like bad girls that's my damn problem

#

You know how the song goes alright

#

Wish I could drop out, get a job, and live life to my own degree

#

But ohh noo I would get kicked out and be forced to live in the house of my hot older girlfriend instead

#

Because I definitely don't want that

#

Wow I never knew failing school could sound so good

#

And no she doesn't come over to where my room is this place is a freaking mess lol

#

Everything is perfectly disorganized in my room to where I can find it all and if I toss it somewhere else I'll know where to refind it somehow

#

I don't think my room has ever looked presentable once in my entire life

#

All of my stuff is lost yet can be seen at the same time and that's how I like it

#

I've never been to Rayas room that is at her parents place either but I am very curious about it and often think about what it looks like with a dumb look on my face

#

I NEED to see it one day

#

I would be getting into every nook and cranny of that place from top to bottom once I find a way in

frank ledge Oct 31, 2025, 12:59 AM

#

frank ledge And no she doesn't come over to where my room is this place is a freaking mess l...

I remember my uncle telling me that there's so much crap near the heater of my room that it's a fire hazard LMAO and I told him that it's been broken since forever and they never cared to fix it, and then went on to say I hope my room catches on fire so I'll actually be warm for once in their house and they did not like that very much

frank ledge Oct 31, 2025, 1:00 AM

#

frank ledge I NEED to see it one day

The fact this woman who's 40 years old has been using that room for decades on end

#

Like what does she have in there I must know

#

I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU GUYS

#

OK SO

#

AT MY SCHOOL TODAY, MY VICE PRINCIPAL SAW ME WALK BY HER OFFICE AND CALLED OUT MY NAME.

#

So, my vice principal pulls me into her office. She asks how I'm doing, I clearly look tired as hell, since I had to tell them I sprained my wrist a month or so ago and it was hard to work. She was like, "If you're going through anything at home or in life then you can talk about that. I can tell what it is, is rough. You're going through a rough time right now and I'm sorry." I was like avoiding eye contact, looking down at the ground or whatever, definition of laying low I guess. She goes to close her door for more privacy

#

The VP SETS UP A MEETING WITH ME AND A GUIDANCE COUNSELLOR of the school. Because I tell her, yeah, I'm under a lot of pressure right now to pass my school. I didn't tell her how, I could get kicked out of my home if I don't pass, or my family gets uhh very aggressive let's say with me

#

AND I DIDNT GET TO WRITE ABOUT THIS BUT RAYA HAD CAME TO VISIT ME AT SCHOOL RECENTLY, ON WEDNESDAY.

#

YEP. RAYA SHOWED UP TO MY SCHOOL ON WEDNESDAY. AFTER SENDING ME THE TEXTS, "What? You don't want me to show up to your school Jake? You think I'm gonna beat up some girls that used to like you? You know me so well!" SHE PUTS A BLUSH EMOJI AFTER THAT. ABSOLUTE PSYCHO, RIGHT?

#

I GET MAD, OR AGITATED, I TEXT HER BACK, "Do what ever the @@@@ you want. Beat up some girl a lot younger than you and get arrested and see if I care." I text that out of anger, as I'm walking out of the school to go on a smoke break down the street.

#

So, as IM WALKING DOWN THE FREAKING SIDEWALK TO SMOKE, I HEAR MY NAME BEING CALLED- I TURN MY HEAD AND SEE RAYA. RIGHT BLOODY BEHIND ME.

#

THIS WOMAN HAD SNUCK UP ON ME SO FAST AND STEALTHILY I WASNT PREPARED TO SEE HER THAT DAY

#

LIKE A FEW FEET AWAY FROM ME TOO LOL

#

HER AND I ARE BOTH DRESSED ALL LAZILY LIKE WE JUST ROLLED OUT OF BED, I INSTANTLY TOSS SOME HAIR OVER MY FACE AND RIFLE MY HOOD UP SO SHE SEES LESS OF ME. I WAS 3 DAYS OVERDUE A FACE SHAVE.

#

So her and I have a talk... She said, "Look I didn't come here to cause trouble. I just wanted to see you... I know you told me to not come here."
I then tell Raya, "Doesn't the school tell you to not come here? Are you even allowed?"
She says, "Well I'm not on the school grounds, I'm on the sidewalk." She takes out a pack, her and I smoke 2 cigs each. She goes on to say.. "I'll be out of here soon, before the school bodyguard comes over and tells me to get the hell out of here." UHHUH. YOU SEE. Lady's TROUBLE.

#

Raya goes on to say... "My periods late. We are gonna have to go to the abortion clinic so I get tested." I RAISE MY EYEBROWS, MY EYES DART AROUND, AND I TELL HER TO LOWER HER VOICE.

#

So I was filled with worry, but we were being safe, and she ended up getting it a day later.

frank ledge Oct 31, 2025, 1:27 AM

#

frank ledge So, my vice principal pulls me into her office. She asks how I'm doing, I clearl...

But anyway, after Wednesday, Thursday came. Today. When the VP guided me into her office. At the end of that conversation, she said, "I saw you with Raya (last name). What is your relationship with this woman? She a friend?" A look of concern on her face. This VP is an older lady herself, maybe 50s, all grey hair, some white. I say, "I know her, yeah."
My VP goes on to say... "Okay, and you're okay with that? You're okay with her?"
I say... "Yes.. I'm okay with her."
My VP goes... "Make sure to set boundaries with her."

#

LIKE THEY WERE WATCHING ME AND RAYA, WITH BINOCULARS OR SOMETHING. THEY HAD IDENTIFIED HER, FROM AFAR

#

AND ITS KINDAAA HARD NOT TO. HER AND I ARE BOTH ABOVE 6 FEET

#

And I could kinda read, the thoughts of my vice principal there, I know she was thinking, that Raya's a strange lady, and has been watched over more than the average student because of... having predatory allegations towards her, and she was seen smoking cigs during class hours and just overall suspicious behavior

#

And that school has every damn right to restrict Raya from being on school property when she's not enrolled LOl I mean SHES RUINING MY LIFE BEHIND THE SCENES MA'AM AND IM LOVING IT I CANT LIE

#

I'm KIDDING I WASNT AS HONEST TO SAY THAT I WOULDNT THROW MY GF UNDER THE BUS HAHA

#

But yeah, uh... yes.. vice principal... my gf has managed to find ways to tear me apart as a young guy like me is just beginning life

#

She is as dangerous, sketchy, and unrelenting as you suspect she is

#

But I will never tell you or anyone because I just love what hurts me I suppose

#

That's why I was one hell of an athlete. I did MMA... got beat up, beat others up, pain was a part of the process but it seems life has brought me a new type of addictive pain and it's her

#

THIS IS THE SAME VP WHO HAD PINNED ME UP AGAINST A WALL IN THE PAST, HELD HER KNEE IN BETWEEN MY DAMN LEGS, AND THREATENED ME TO SIGN A PAPER TO STOP ME FROM SMOKING ON SCHOOL PROPERTY

#

SHE WAS ALL UP IN MY FACE, LIKE SHOOT, WANNA PUT A HAND ON THE WALL TOO HAHA LIKE REALLY TRAP ME THERE

#

ANYWAYS LOL

misty spruce Oct 31, 2025, 1:41 AM

#

frank ledge AT MY SCHOOL TODAY, MY VICE PRINCIPAL SAW ME WALK BY HER OFFICE AND CALLED OUT M...

If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you?

frank ledge Oct 31, 2025, 1:42 AM

#

I am 22 years old, in the title

misty spruce Oct 31, 2025, 1:42 AM

#

frank ledge I am 22 years old, in the title

Just making sure, principal is usually for younger schooling rather than like college.
Thank you hugheart

frank ledge Oct 31, 2025, 1:44 AM

#

misty spruce Just making sure, principal is usually for younger schooling rather than like co...

It's an alternative for director/directress

#

Which I believe is what colleges have yeah

#

My college isn't typical either, you don't find the average in there. It's people who have repeatedly dropped out, have very low scores, criminal records, everyone's WHACKED OUT

#

And most certainly you don't wanna be there. It offers a lot less, and is BARELY considered a college. But people of all ages attend.

misty spruce Oct 31, 2025, 1:52 AM

#

frank ledge And most certainly you don't wanna be there. It offers a lot less, and is BARELY...

Ahhh got it!

frank ledge Oct 31, 2025, 1:53 AM

#

But ANYWRAY

#

Some days I just wanna get away from all of it, y'know? I'm tired of the school, the people there. But I'll miss the criminals and crazies, the depressed, the disabled, the mentally messed up who were all let in

#

It's so hard to wanna stay, this is where I met my crazy gf Raya at

#

But all I wanna do is escape. It just consumes me, the feeling of failure, bad grades, mistakes, that just HAUNT YOU

#

I'm suddenly terribly at math, because I was doing the other kind, my teacher said I look tired everyday, I've reached lows I never have before because of this lady

#

I'll probably hate Raya in my 30s. How could I possibly forget her?

#

Because of how horribly memorable she is

#

I remember she took the god UGLIEST photo of me when I was shirtless in sweatpants mid-LAUGH

#

AND I THREATENED HER TO DELETE IT OR SO GOD HELP MY SELF CONFIDENCE

#

IT WAS CANDID AND UNEXPECTED

#

THE THOUGHT OF HER STILL POSSESSING THAT PHOTO MAKES ME LOSE IT

#

I HADNT WORKED OUT IN 2 MONTHS, MY HAIR WAS TOO SHORT, I WAS BLOATED, AND SHE SET THAT PHOTO AS HER PHONE BACKGROUND

#

EVEN JUST THINKING OF IT I AM GOING RED IN EMBARRASSMENT

#

SHE EVEN SCRATCHED MY FACE OUT USING A MARKER AND THAT MADE ME CRY SECRETLY

#

LIKE EXCUSE YOU

#

THATS THE EQUIVALENT OF PUTTING A GARBAGE BAG OVER YOUR PARTNERS HEAD BECAUSE YOU THINK THEIR BODY LOOKS BETTER AND YOU DONT WANNA LOOK AT THEIR UGLY MUG

#

I AM EMBARRASSED

#

LIKE WAS I THAT UGLY

#

AFTER NOT TRAINING FOR 60 DAYS

#

SHE PUT MUSIC OVER THE PHOTO AND I WAS LOSING IT

#

THESE SKINNY GIRLS ARE EVIL AND THEY NEED TO BE DESTROYED

#

AND NOW FOLLOWING HER BAD HABITS IM ALL SKINNY TOO

#

I USED TO HAVE SOMETHING TO ACTUALLY WORK WITH OKAY

#

AND NOW THERES LESS OF ME

#

I know she secretly kept that photo even though she has to remind me shes deleted it

#

And I bet she looks at it often on top of that

#

Like she found it hot how ugly I looked in it

#

THATS WHAT IT IS

#

WOMEN BE MANAGING TO TAKE THE UGLIEST ANGLES OF YOU EVER AND LOVE THOSE PHOTOS UNCONDITIONALLY

#

IM SORRY

#

MY INSECURITIES ARE RUNNING RAPID

frank ledge Oct 31, 2025, 2:16 AM

#

frank ledge I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU GUYS

CHECK THIS OUT

#

THATS WHERE THE INTERESTING PART IS AT RIGHT NOW

frank ledge Oct 31, 2025, 2:16 AM

#

frank ledge THIS WOMAN HAD SNUCK UP ON ME SO FAST AND STEALTHILY I WASNT PREPARED TO SEE HER...

AND THIS

frank ledge Oct 31, 2025, 2:16 AM

#

frank ledge But anyway, after Wednesday, Thursday came. Today. When the VP guided me into he...

BAM

#

Other than that... I WILL find a way to spend this Halloween with Raya my gf... I HAVE TO. I refuse to study on the holiday or do some other crap. This happens once a year. Passing school and finding a real job can WAIT.

#

My sister said she found me a tutor for math that's only available on the weekends. I IMMEDIATELY SAID, HELL NO. THEN MANAGED TO SPILL COFFEE IN HER CAR BY ACCIDENT LIKE THE DUMBASS I AM AT THE SAME TIME

#

THOSE ARE THE ONLY DAYS I SEE MY GF.

#

I remember seeing a picture of Raya when she was like the age of 23, and she actually looked devious

#

HER HEAD WAS SLIGHTLY TILTED DOWN AT THE CAMERA, LOOKING THRU THE BROWS, THIS NASTY FREKING SMIRK ON HER FACE, her hair was a darker brown/black color, her skin was a lot more tanned

#

I JUST SEE, DEMON IN IT, THATS ALL I SEE

#

and I could tell when she was that age she looked physically a lot healthier, probably mentally too, like hadn't messed up her mind or body yet with stimulants

#

LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT WAS DECADES AGO

#

THATS ME NOW WDYM

#

I know you are all wondering how I could possibly be with a woman this old

#

My curiosity could kill me I bet

#

I remember waking up beside her and touching her features in my hands like my fingers brushing over her cheeks, eyebrows, holding her chin and she was falling asleep while I was doing it

#

Y'know like caressing her face and her eyes look so young

#

SWEAR HEARD HER PURRING A BIT LIKE A CAT

#

I find it funny how you can see dogs in men and cats in women

#

AM I THE ONLY ONE

#

DONT LOOK AT ME LIKE IM WEIRD

#

SHE SAID I LOOK LIKE A SAD DOG SOMETIMES WHEN IM IN A BAD MOOD

#

RAUWRRRR LOLL

#

AND AFTER HOPEFULLY IF STUFF GOES MY WAY AND MY BAGS ARENT PACKED BY SATURDAY,

#

I WILL BE TURNING UP. IN THE CLERB. THIS HALLOWEEN.

#

GETTING SMASHED. HAMMERED. ON THE DANCE FLOOR. ENDING UP IN A DITCH POSSIBLY, LIKE MY EX GF TRINA USED TO DO. WHAT A HYPOCRITE IVE BECOME

#

You know what I haven't been listing enough days where I've spent with Raya I HAVE MISSED SOME IM NOT GONNA LIE

#

IVE JUST HAD CRASHED OUT SO HARD AFTERWARDS I DIDNT HAVE TIME TO WRITE HERE

#

But last Sunday, I had gone out with Raya to this place to dance, and I was dancing fast as hell, for a long time too, like maybe 30 minutes straight of shuffling and breaking it down, and I had like 5-6 PEOPLE ROOTING FOR ME AND WHISTLING AT ME TO KEEP GOING HAHAHA

#

And that went on for 2 hours, on and off of just me dancing in this crowd of people, and I had eventually gotten sucked into the audience and was getting closer and closer to the people playing the music and I was hitting every goddamn beat

#

There was this thick lady trying to dance with everyone and get up on me and I DODGED HER so quick, it was hard for me to find my way out physically LOL LIKE A TRAIN BEHIND ME BUILDING UP

#

There was another girl that was trying to get hella close to me and dance on me but I had to also move away from that

#

That's how the club scene is

#

MY GF WAS NOT GOING AS HARD, SHES LOST SOME AGILITY OVER THE YEARS, SHES A LIL OLD

scarlet spire Nov 1, 2025, 2:48 AM

#

How do you have time to write this stuff

#

Do you have a job?

frank ledge Nov 1, 2025, 6:15 PM

#

scarlet spire Do you have a job?

I sell art

#

It's a day after Halloween, Saturday, November 1st and I spent Friday and morning of today at my girlfriend Raya's house

#

Brought her some candies, popcorn, me

#

Had a nice time

#

I make about $100 a week if people wanna know what I get paid

frank ledge Nov 1, 2025, 8:23 PM

#

Weekend was a bit crazy

mighty sphinx Nov 2, 2025, 12:16 AM

#

let go friend

frank ledge Nov 2, 2025, 1:29 AM

#

So uhh

#

Raya and I wanna quit using substances or much stimulants as we used to

#

Her and I were talking about over tears, how empty we feel inside, how we feel like we don't know ourselves anymore, a loss of identity, tired all the time, health going to crap, and that we wanna stop it

#

I'm starting to feel like more of a normal couple, with her

#

Instead of like... criminals, because we would be doing stuff we shouldn't, and now that it's coming to an end, I can tell Raya looks happier already

#

To be sober

#

This guy's like how do you have time for this

#

But what the hell else am I supposed to do at 9 PM

#

Like wdym you don't reserve hours of your time to journal your days because you have mental problems and have go-to outlets

#

And I can't believe I'm still in shock that 22 people have hearted this... relationship of my girlfriend and I.

#

Like that's us, me and her

#

You guys watched me turn a whole new age lol

#

That's how many months I've just been tapping away on my phone making sure I keep track of what I'm doing with this girl. Because some days, I used to forget, completely, some nights I have no idea what Raya and I did, substance absolutely deleted my memory of it. That's why her and I are planning to stop using anything because it was tearing us apart

#

If I don't write that down the same night it happened, I ain't remembering it. I've mentioned slight short term memory loss in the past, even before dating Raya, because of excessive weed smoking in my youth and psychosis lmao

#

and yeah the stimulants this girl offered me have changed me. I'm still trying to come back. Some of you may know what, and it was hard stuff. That I can't talk too in depth about because there's kids reading this.

#

I can't even resay what it is, and I don't want to

#

I like how Raya sometimes looks at me like, she's a lost spectacle in life, that never got better, someone who was finally found, who wants love and compassion, and is a little dark inside with a life id describe as scarce

#

I have an idea of why people like my forum post because I'm a good writer... I can be an author

#

English class was always my favorite subject in school or academics because I was that good at it, I'd get the highest grades

#

It's also too bad, or sad, that her and I have an age gap that is.. unfortunate maybe. When I try to talk about the morals or principle of our relationship, she draws a blank, and looks at me like I'm speaking a different language.

#

But I get a feeling... of intuition that her and I just so happened to be this far away in life. It's something we cannot control, and that I know she secretly wishes was different

#

It's funny how at times she looks at me like she has forgotten my age, or her brain registers me as someone who's above 25 or older. That's the both of us too. It's hard for me to see her age, actually. But when we do see each other's ages even just for a split second, our eyes adjust and we see two whole different worlds, and she sees this guy a lot younger than her entering her world and it's like I've discovered her, as if she was always hiding in shadows, or in dark corners

#

Wanting to be seen, and I make her feel seen, I think

#

I don't know why but I must have the type of psychology where I can love pretty messed up girls

#

and she's hard to let go... what kind of person would I be to just break up and leave this woman? Hell no. I care about her. I'm not that much of a cold heartless bastard to just up and leave a girl like that. I don't care that she's broke, is still leaning on her family in her 40s, and that all her friends died in their 30s inside clubs

#

I like her distorted dark little world, alright? I'm all up in it. No ones pulling me out of it when they should have a long, long, time ago

#

Everyone from earth to the sun and moon, every goddamn planet and society, has tried to get between her and I. I've told her it's not happening. Haha. I must be crazy in that way, that I've ignored every single other persons opinion of her and I and chose to do what I want, recklessly, with a dangerous carefreeness

#

Hell, family, friends, teachers, communities have told me, stay away! But I just keep getting closer, and closer, and I can't stop myself, and I don't know why

#

I'm sorry but she doesn't look as intimidating when I'm looking at her a certain type of way, and telling her how good she looks, and her face cheeks get all rosy and she goes all quiet and shy

#

I can tell her mind up there, has an addictive personality and so do I honestly

#

My tolerance for crazy is just... too high. I mean, I hope I age and grow some sort of sensor for what a person should allow and let into their lives and what they shouldn't.

#

Because I don't have much sensor for that, no. And that's because I am too, a bit mentally lost, and not all there in ways I envy other mentally healthy people are

#

The crap this woman has me doing sometimes, had me writing everyone in my life letters and notes of what I love and appreciate because the trouble she gets me in at times holds the risk of me losing my life

#

Another crazy feature about her is she knows exactly what the hell she's doing. With tearing me apart. It's entertaining, for both of us, and I've entertained her sickness too

#

Some women, you just want them to ruin your life, y'know? You yearn for it, and then you get what you want, and it's such a bad time and yet the messed up part of you think it felt good, because you survived it, I survived HER, so far

#

She's a song I can't stop listening to, and you wanna play it so loudly that it hurts your ears

#

I like how she gives everyone the heebie jeebies, and is too creepy or strange to confront

#

Meanwhile my crazy ass is like rubbing my hands together walking over in slow motion squinting my eyes to get a better look

#

and Trina my ex girlfriend was too rude and too mean for anyone to wanna befriend too, in her own way was unapproachable

#

Someone in this forum post said I have a savior complex and I think they are right, honestly, maybe just a little bit of it I have at times

verbal fern Nov 2, 2025, 2:23 AM

#

frank ledge English class was always my favorite subject in school or academics because I wa...

i'd assume you enjoy reading too? do you have a favorite book?

frank ledge Nov 2, 2025, 2:30 AM

#

verbal fern i'd assume you enjoy reading too? do you have a favorite book?

I like reading, but I don't have a favorite book in mind.
I enjoy story videogames too... some examples are heavy rain, until dawn, beyond two souls, life is strange

#

I have discord after all lol

#

Wanna share yours? @verbal fern

verbal fern Nov 2, 2025, 2:53 AM

#

frank ledge I like reading, but I don't have a favorite book in mind. I enjoy story videoga...

life is strange is an amazing game!! i haven't played the full story, but what i have played was great

verbal fern Nov 2, 2025, 2:54 AM

#

frank ledge Wanna share yours? <@1341251350607958066>

i don't think i really have a favorite, but i'm currently reading The Long Walk by Stephan (?) King. Awhile back I read The Mysterious Flame Of Queen Loana by Umberto Eco, the characters sucked, but the overall story was pretty good.

#

Even if you don't have a favorite book, what are some you've particularly enjoyed? Or any you'd recommend? I'm always looking for more book recommendations

normal edge Nov 2, 2025, 10:56 PM

#

This shit still going help me 😭

radiant fossil Nov 3, 2025, 1:05 AM

#

normal edge This shit still going help me 😭

I give up lol

normal edge Nov 3, 2025, 1:06 AM

#

Poor guy

#

😭

mighty sphinx Nov 3, 2025, 4:03 AM

#

This isn’t love. This is attachment by the way.

2 completely different things.

frank ledge Nov 3, 2025, 4:12 AM

#

mighty sphinx This isn’t love. This is attachment by the way. 2 completely different things.

Wanna explain

frank ledge Nov 3, 2025, 4:29 AM

#

I know I'm hopeless

frank ledge Nov 5, 2025, 7:16 AM

#

So

#

Uh

#

I've been pretty low not gonna lie as in mood and how this all makes me feel

#

It surprises me how much people like this forum because I feel like a messed up person that doesn't have too many great things to look at about them

#

I guess I'm reflecting deeply on the relationship and myself

#

And I'm starting to feel quite detached from this person, who's my girlfriend. Whatever that titles worth

#

I'm realizing you don't really know how traumatizing some stuff is until it's finally over

#

Because it hasn't set in and you can look back when you're outside of that position and realize that you actually weren't well

#

and I just thought I was fine because I didn't get, enough, help for my mental issues before my relationship with Raya or any other girl friend for that matter. I didn't go to therapy. I have family in my life who try to tell me I'm perfectly fine and that there's nothing wrong with me, they'll hold me back from extra support because they want me to be... this better version of myself I guess, a more perfect version of me or a perfect son that doesn't actually exist because im flawed and they don't like to face it, they see me as not the sharpest tool in the shed and maybe I'm not after all this has happened. I think I need help but I'm unsure if I can reach out for that right now, because I stopped seeing my therapist

#

Sometimes I would just feel so rugged and tough and like I can live through anything and nothing will ever affect me. A sort of hellraising rebel I guess. I've been through a lot with schizophrenia, drug use, but this relationship is different from that. A different pain. And it's starting to disturb me

scarlet spire Nov 5, 2025, 7:28 AM

#

try to contact your therapist again

frank ledge Nov 5, 2025, 7:29 AM

#

All throughout growing up I was told I wasn't allowed to have any emotions, I'd have to suppress them, or bad things would happen and honestly that makes me feel like I can't even be human, sometimes. Like I'm not entitled to feeling human feelings when I do, makes me feel lesser than nothing. Less of a person, less of a personality, numbed. All of those are feelings though.

#

I had a psychotic episode in my late teens and didn't get proper help for it. I didn't get help for the brain damage I got around the same time that gave me the episode in the first place. I went through it by myself, and it ruined me. Other than feeling like I was turning into a psychopath, I already had struggled with the world around me beforehand. With making friends. With connecting. With finishing responsibilities and tasks. I was always distracted. I wasn't guided enough. My brain was different growing up, in ways most people don't understand and can't exactly help if they don't know about it.

#

One of my worst emotional problems that has even lead me to this relationship with Raya, a 44 year old woman that's sick, and I mean, she's using me, and has serious problems. It was a lack of fear, being fearless, but I don't wanna say that in a cool way, because ever since that psychotic episode I had I was never the same.

#

I don't know, I have a feeling Raya has taken advantage of me

#

Through my brain not being fully developed yet. Through me being already mentally ill. Every horrible way you can possibly think of, and that everyone was right about her and I couldn't be

#

And I'm unsure what I even mean by the lack of fear. Or maybe I have too much of it. Like I'm scared right now, for myself, and I wanna break up with her, hahaha

#

Those substances her and I did together was serious. It's like I couldn't learn the first time. I had to give myself more damage to my brain, because that's how low my self love is. I just know whatever Raya and I have is not love. Her addictions... her years of awful health have just resulted into her being this type of person that can do this to others.

#

But yeah, I'm scared now. Of what this relationship has done to me and my life. I'm seriously questioning if it's what I really want

#

And you can see throughout this whole time I'm like oh yeah it won't affect me at all, I'm sooo crazy that I can handle a 44 year old woman in my life that wants to pull my health strings around and use me in weird ways

#

Like it's not normal anymore and I'm just realizing I'm not a healthy person. I wasn't before, and I won't be after this relationship is over. It's not normal to want someone to damage you or your life in the way where I have tolerated already and accepted willingly

#

And I can't imagine how horrific it's gonna be to speak to this girl when her and I are both fully sober and she's just gonna look at how physically sick I've become because of her like there is a physical difference in before and after of meeting her lol

#

I am feeling very awkward suddenly just imagining it

#

I'm wondering how to help her and I want to in any way I can but what about me

#

My mood swings have been crazy recently

#

I can't even sleep at night anymore I'm gonna be honest and I can't eat anything either

#

And I look in the mirror and see this different person who doesn't even look like me anymore and im actually scared

#

Of who I look at and see

#

Because it's someone who's umm somewhat dead inside and traumatized and I don't know what to do with myself anymore

#

The mental problems just keep building and building as the years go by LMAOO

#

THEYRE JUST MULTIPLYING LIKE IDK WHAT DO I DO WITH EM

#

THIS WOMAN HAS TURNED ME INTO A LITERAL VEGETABLE

#

LIKE IM LAUGHING TYPING THAT OUT

frank ledge Nov 5, 2025, 7:55 AM

#

scarlet spire try to contact your therapist again

The problem is if I contact my therapist I'll have to break up with Raya

#

How am I supposed to talk to them about her if I'm still with her

#

It just doesn't make sense

#

This is all just setting in

scarlet spire Nov 5, 2025, 7:56 AM

#

just break up with Raya then? it seems like you wish to get better

frank ledge Nov 5, 2025, 7:56 AM

#

It's just not that easy

#

Hell

scarlet spire Nov 5, 2025, 7:57 AM

#

it could be, i think youre overthinking it since the bond feels a certain way. idk though

frank ledge Nov 5, 2025, 7:57 AM

#

The fact teenagers are reading about this makes me feel so bad

#

I don't feel good about myself

scarlet spire Nov 5, 2025, 7:58 AM

#

ill leave, we gucci

frank ledge Nov 5, 2025, 7:58 AM

#

I feel very sad

scarlet spire Nov 5, 2025, 7:58 AM

#

hamster

frank ledge Nov 5, 2025, 7:58 AM

#

Sorry

#

You were helping me just fine but I feel bad that you're reading this

#

I mean I think you can handle yourself I remember being that age too y'know

#

But thank you

#

I'm pretty sure I need therapy desperately

#

I'm just having these feelings of great pain

#

And I'm just thinking to myself like

#

I was talking to some of my friends about it but

#

Why I can't remember most of my relationship with Raya

#

Like the stuff her and I were taking as in drugs caused memory loss for me. And I think it must've been for her too. Like she doesn't want her or me to remember it. Or that just came with it.

#

I need to bring up to my therapist thrill seeking behaviors like being attracted to fear because excitement and that get mixed up in some people's minds

#

I notice people can choose substances over, everything and anything in their life.

#

And that's a very sad thing to witness or to experience

#

I've experienced some of that. Just a little bit. On a smaller scale. Like having to stand outside in terrible weather as I light up a cig, or fill my lungs up with smoke. Having to close the door of my room to do it more discretely instead of showing an openness that my family can come in at any time. Like that. I'm choosing this feeling. That high, over talking, chatting, improving my relationships and connecting

#

I'm starting to draw a blank here because I'm getting tired. It's 3 AM where I am, and I've just been thinking nonstop about how I'm gonna pull myself out of this rut

#

I keep trying to stay in touch with my older or past self, to try and stay sane right now

#

I couldn't imagine what this girl would do if I broke up with her in any which way.

#

In ANY way.

#

I mean I need therapy just to do that.

#

I bet she would enrol in the same school I'm in, and make things awkward as they possibly could be. By shoving herself into my life. Try to accidentally bump into me and look obvious about the trying to part.

#

Maybe she'll stalk me and tailgate me, try to scare the people around me

#

Or maybe she would just listen and, cut me off on everything, refuse to say a word to me ever again and disappear.

#

I have no idea.

#

and those nice friends I lost,, that were around my age, damn.

frank ledge Nov 5, 2025, 7:32 PM

#

It's uhhh Wednesday November 5th

#

Im not looking my best, I mean, I look sick, because of Raya's poison that she invited us to both take

#

I was pulled into my vice principals office last week for example because I was walking around with a frown on my face and felt like I could cry easily

#

Today I was pulled into the guidance counsellors office... and Raya was brought up to me. The conversation went something like... "We saw Raya (last name) with you on school property. I just wanted to let you know to be safe. That person was told by police that she's not allowed here. She was told to stay away from the school and not let in again for a good reason."

#

I asked the counselor, "Is she allowed to enrol in here again?"
The counselor said, "No, she's expelled."
I asked why,
They said, "I have to be confidential about why exactly but it was about something illegal. Raya is expelled."

#

For some reason that was surprising to me, I didn't know Raya was expelled, I just thought she wasn't allowed here when she isn't enrolled. They also told me to let school know if she comes back here again.

#

It felt like a repeat of the conversation I had with the vice principal

#

Other than that... I have suspicious dark circles around my eyes. They extend up to my temples or the sides of my skull. My cheeks are also sunken in. I've been living off sweet drinks, cigarettes, and regrets.

#

Raya didn't tell me she was expelled. She said she could do online school if she wanted to. I wonder why she kept that from me. I'll have to ask about it later today.

verbal fern Nov 5, 2025, 9:35 PM

#

in the nicest way possible, stay safe!! something illegal enough to get expelled has to be very serious, make sure you're being careful when asking about it:)

frank ledge Nov 6, 2025, 12:15 AM

#

I asked her and she said she's not expelled

#

I've been on call with her for an hour now and her and I are getting along so well lol

#

like a best friend too... you know? Not just... a girlfriend but we enjoy each other's personalities...

#

Agh...

#

She's pulled me back in everyone

#

I'm screwed

#

Like c'mon she's talking about getting sober with me

#

How can I leave her now? The relationships just about to get healthy

frank ledge Nov 6, 2025, 4:48 PM

#

DOES RAYA KNOW SHES EXPELLED LMFAOOO

mighty sphinx Nov 7, 2025, 11:24 PM

#

My friend with all respect and no rudeness at all, you should seek professional help or advice from a friend or family and heed their words.

dense sky Nov 9, 2025, 6:40 AM

#

dense sky <@869856441077477407>

realized i forgot to elaborate on this

#

sorry cool writer guy

#

it was ghost's bday on oct 25

#

and we were seeing the entry for them

#

there wasnt an entry for my bday sadly 🥀 but them having one was cool

simple hazel Nov 9, 2025, 2:10 PM

#

frank ledge How can I leave her now? The relationships just about to get healthy

👀

frank ledge Nov 9, 2025, 4:27 PM

#

mighty sphinx My friend with all respect and no rudeness at all, you should seek professional ...

That's what 5 people and probably most consider I should do. I want therapy but I'm having trouble making time to schedule it. I wish I cared more, about my family's opinions, and as for friends? I've lost them along the way, because I didn't listen

#

It's Sunday November 9th
I spent Friday and Saturday at Rayas apartment.
On Friday we went grocery shopping to make tacos and watched MMA or UFC on her TV for the night.
Then Saturday came around, we almost went to a free open party or bar with a skate rink but the weather wasn't great, we decided to go to the bar next weekend. Instead her and I stayed in and talked a lot, over hand holding and love might've been in the air. Her and I didn't do anything dangerous or risky... it was nice, she taught me how to play Crazy 8s the card game over a few shots of liquor from midnight till 3 AM. It was hard to go to sleep, from how much we were enjoying ourselves. Lots of laughs, I saw some crows feet forming on the side of her eyes that was deepening because of me making her smile. I told her, "You'll watch me grow older." She pointed out the dimples on the side of my mouth, and said she thinks they'll pop out a lot more as I age. Her and I talked about a lot. We've gotten more comfortable with each other with each weekend passing

#

I told Raya that she regulated my mood because I was feeling depressed and unstable before going to see her because of a comedown off an illegal type of sugar that I can't say.

#

I asked her about her childhood and insisted she should tell me more about the years she's lived, "You have more of a story than me." I told her, and she said she was kicked out of multiple elementary schools at 8 years old until there was none for her to go to anymore, that people would constantly push her buttons. She told me she has executive functioning disorder. I asked her what would she do in her free time when she was below the ages of 18-21 when clubbing or adult activities wasn't an option for her yet, she said "I liked to destroy stuff. I was an outcast." I confessed to some vandalism in my earlier years myself, and pointed out a misfits patch that I had sewn onto my bag that was sitting on the floor of her apartment

#

I shared that I had schizophrenia with my girlfriend Raya, and a psychotic episode that lead me to brain damage or permanent change in emotions and behavior. It made me feel better to talk about that part of my life, I mean, to actually speak about it verbally with somebody helped me process it. If you're curious -- during that time I was able to control the dilation of my own pupils which is a rare ability, I had all four sides sanpaku eyes otherwise known as scleral show, and sadly most memorably ||I tried to take my own life|| and I'm still recovering from that psychotic episode from years ago

#

I had told Raya some scary stuff. That I knew mental insanity, craziness, but that it made me who I am and in the end I've become a gentle and loving person

#

I had to remind her a few times that I have psychosis sometimes. That Ive heard voices in my head, including hers, and they're not all bad, but some voices are loving and say affectionate words to me

#

Other than that... I asked Raya if she would stalk me if I broke up with her one day and she said, "No, of course not, I'd just say goodbye, y'know? That would be the end." I was appreciative of her maturity towards that possibility, a sane answer

#

I told her that it's not a promise that I'll break up with her or stay with her, both ways. I had apologized for saying, "I'll break up with you one day, we won't be forever." In the first few months of the relationship, I told her I'm not that sort of person. I said, "I'm not using you, I love you. You're worthy of love and companionship. You're my love, and companionship."

#

It's been hard for me to just.. break up with her because of her obvious bad traits but what about the good in her too? I find it interesting, how charming she was at the start of the relationship. She takes me out in every limelight around whether it's a party or club, to see sport cars, or nice views. I've worked with the bad and it's hard to ignore the good. Gotta take both together

#

I've just seen human in it all. I've been crazy as hell too to where no one wants to be a friend of mine anymore so I have compassion for her or might see myself in her a bit.

#

I think we can all agree I'm a good 'writer' lol, I'm good at English, aight? Soo Raya asks me to write her poetry sometimes and I do, she loves it. This weekend she wanted to write me poetry too and when she did, I spotted some spelling mistakes in it. I told her I thought it made it a lot more unique, she spelt "Initiating" as "Enitything" yep. Like that. Some other misspelled words. I had to ask her to read it out loud, haha! Oh man, I love this woman. So much character in those spelling errors. I asked her, "You pass English in high school?" She said "Not the last grade, I don't have my high school diploma."

#

Like, nice English honey : )

#

So much character in all those errors

#

I had to tell her YOU SPEAK IT JUST FINE TO ME HAHAHA

#

Shawty's spelling

#

Almost hollered out

#

She's a very cute lady she can get away wit it

#

At least to me

#

I remember one of the lines of the poetry was, "Shoulderline to waistline, he all mine" except waistline was spelt as 'waitline' missing the S

#

LIKE SOME LETTERS MISSING LOL

#

I could tell she was writing it how she pronounces it or guessing the spelling of most words

#

THATS OKAY CAUSE THEY SAY UR PARTNERS WEAKNESSES SHOULD BE UR STRENGTHS

#

I had told Raya Ill never judge her for something like that cause I mean I'm not the whitest person like I speak in slang sometimes and that'll be more natural for me than 'proper english' is there any such thing anyway, language is language. Long as you understand what's being communicated

#

She's hood

#

Definitely not a prep or socialite, no

#

Shout out to all the hoodlums out there

#

Love for the thugs

#

I could tell all the time she's spent around me, she's picking up on my more 'articulate' way of speaking and she would misuse some fancier words I've said

#

Thas cute to me

frank ledge Nov 9, 2025, 6:02 PM

#

But yeah... weekend was pretty heartfelt. Stuffs more intimate and serious too I guess.

#

Something that caught my attention that I didn't really like was when I arrived to her place on Friday, it was later at night, and I asked her, "Whaddya wanna do?" and she said, "One thing. Just you." I was like, "One thing?" She said "I mean- not just one thing, all of you." She looks at me from head to toe. She moves into a different room and I yell, "Tell me you like my personality too." She said, "Of course I do..."

#

I don't know, the way she worded that had me feeling a little used. Like she wanted just one thing from me. She was kinda rushing me into getting physical with her too. However you'd like to take that

#

Smh. We better be driving out to that bar with the skateboard rink in it next weekend

#

LIKE HELLO BY THE END OF THE WEEKEND IK HER JAW HURTING FROM HOW MUCH I WAS MAKING HER LAUGH AND SMILE

#

YOU AINT GOT ANYONE ELSE JUST ME LOL

#

SOOO

#

DOES THAT INCLUDE MY BRAIN OR WHAT

#

MY MIND

#

MY INTELLIGENCES

#

SORRY JUST PUTTING DOWN SYNONOMS SO I DONT GET MISINTERPRETED

#

23 hearts

#

Thanks for the support everyone

#

CAN SHE SPELL INTELLIGENCE

#

IM SORRY

#

I LOVE HER

#

SO MUCH

#

Have you guys ever seen that one show of top models being asked to read out words on a screen, her name was Tiffany on AMTM TV 'fashion week in Paris' and the script/question was, "CAN YOU SPELL, MAGENTA?" The model goes, "Magnetic." The script says, "Chartreuse?" and Tiffany says "CHARISMATIC?"

#

THATS WHAT SHE REMINDS ME OF NGL

#

I'm not putting anyone down now

#

I'm just being... endearing

frank ledge Nov 10, 2025, 9:57 PM

#

my girlfrienddddd ahahahaaa

#

24 hearts

#

those things just keep on coming

dusk sand Nov 11, 2025, 4:46 AM

#

How is it going now

frank ledge Nov 21, 2025, 2:49 AM

#

It's Thursday November 20, whatever the year is right now

#

So yeah all that happened,

#

Oh 2025

#

I guess I met this new girl

#

Her name Sarah. She 19, three years younger than me. A friend I have from school.

#

I look over the hearts

#

Makes me feel good to know people want me to be ok

#

It's haunting me a bit to bring up how my 44 year old gf don't want me to make friend

#

Too bad

#

Whatever a boundary is, that crossing mine too

#

You gotta deal

#

..I aiin't done with they whole population, TF ?

#

She not gonna break up with me and I know it

#

Yeah I still interact with that species and what you gon do

#

Anyways

#

The Sarah girl nice, she smart in school, higher grades than me. She spotted I had a few addictions. She accused me of having a monster energy drink addiction.

#

I noticed she show signs of having an eating disorder so that an illness I caught onto

#

She funny, a lil mean, and show care for me sometimes

#

She a bit too young I ain't gon lie that age has me holding back especially for me

#

I prefer when shawty triple the age as me y'know #trauma

#

Her and I just friends. This forum about friendships I have too, not just.. my gf

#

Sometimes I got a few broads in my life haaha

#

Idk wish I could have 12 of them

#

But this girlfriend more than enough

#

Hell man she a handful

#

She getting mad at me recently, for not calling her much she want. Leaving her place a few hours early, like yea, I been at her place for like 3 days

#

I be like "IT BEEN 3 DAYS, CAN I GO NOW ???"

#

She offered me to move in lmao

#

I nearly say yes

#

This lady 44 and I'm 22

#

Like wdym I can cruise over there every other day and make myself at home

#

Something about her I don't trust enough to do that

#

3 days got me fucked up enough, imagine everyday

#

I come back from those weekends with some twitches flinches random bruises and 1 limp leg

#

She something to recover from clearly

#

I gotta move some stuff in that apartment of hers that I can tell she barely know how to take care of

#

Yea it's escalating, to her wanting me living inside her house

frank ledge Nov 27, 2025, 11:34 PM

#

Alright

#

Ere back at it again

#

It's November 27 2025

#

Sarah, she 19, today she ask me,"why were you so upset this week, having a break up?" I say, nah.

#

But me and Raya secretly, having problems.

#

Like shes been shouting at me every time we talk, she slamming doors and drawers cause she's just in the worst mood ever for and won't tell me why, I complained about it to her and said she gotta drop the aggression and speak to me nicely. I been verbally abused enough in my life, low-key... She been talking to me with not enough respect.

#

She saying stuff that shows she don't wanna follow my boundaries, and instead wanting to take advantage of me

#

It all started with, "why you not sending me good morning texts, Jake" I said my phone is broken, I don't have money to afford new one right now, she not understanding even tho she broke too, she hang up the call after yelling at me and say shes breaking up with me.

#

She said even though she wanna break up with me, she wants to just be friends.

#

She asked to be FWB, whatever. I tell her she should want more and better for herself

#

That Sarah girl somehow knew. Or saw, a breakup happening for me

#

I spent too much $$$ because of that chick. She was tearing my life apart perfectly. I miss her already. Damn.

frank ledge Nov 28, 2025, 12:07 AM

#

But yeah... what's up every one

#

Just got broken up with

#

Lol

verbal fern Nov 28, 2025, 1:39 AM

#

frank ledge Just got broken up with

break ups suck and i'm sorry, maybe see it as a blessing though, you yourself have admitted Raya wasn't really the best for you, and that's okay. no reason to not be sad though, regardless of how good or bad they were it still hurts. i wish you the best and hope you're having a good thanksgiving regardless of what has happened.

frank ledge Nov 28, 2025, 2:15 AM

#

verbal fern break ups suck and i'm sorry, maybe see it as a blessing though, you yourself ha...

Thanks a lot matt, I appreciate the support... I don't have much people in my life to say those words to me. Good to hear others opinions

verbal fern Nov 28, 2025, 2:55 AM

#

frank ledge Thanks a lot matt, I appreciate the support... I don't have much people in my li...

of course, very kind sir. make sure to give yourself time to grieve the relationship, but don't get too sad. reach out to someone if things start to not feel so good.

frank ledge Nov 28, 2025, 4:40 AM

#

Aight

#

I def should get therapy

frank ledge Nov 30, 2025, 1:18 PM

#

It’s Sunday November 30 and my gf F44, and me M22 are still together. We’re going into 6 months now

#

I haven’t had much time to journal about my relationship recently, I’ve been busy

#

Her and I are lasting despite our differences. She had almost broken up with me because I wasn’t texting or calling her enough, and she was being too aggressive with me. We worked it out. At times I wonder why my love runs this deep for her, sometimes I feel like for her it’s just lust but I can tell she appreciates all sorts of parts of me and my personality.

#

Not dead yet, no

#

It’s hard to stop talking about her when I start

#

Last night we ate like four bags of candy together after going to see a movie at the theatre

#

Sweet & sour

frank ledge Dec 21, 2025, 4:49 AM

#

It's December 20th and I'm still with this girl, Raya. She a crazy lady, but I'm at her place right now

#

By the 30 of this month, it'll be 6 months her and I together

#

Just something that came up that I can't talk about right now in full detail

#

I can't help but notice 26 hearts coming up

#

The support means a lot to me cause my love life be a mess sometimes.

#

I mention my age and hers, Raya my gf is 44 and I'm 22

#

I used to have some nice friends who was girls but she didn't allow it no more

#

Sometimes I wish I could have those friend ship back, yknow

#

My typing ain't the best right now cause my hand is messed up from fighting a while ago in a dojo

#

I be at this chicks place, afraid to eat

#

All she got is condiments in ha fridge

#

Like im some kind of damn feather

#

I'm blowing in the wind already

#

Living a few days with her. In an apartment, hotel rooms.

#

I'm a few msgs back from the number 6666 on my forum

#

Like she a hot commodity over here to talk about

#

By this point of living with ha, she moved in a new nightstand for me

#

Other words I be moving in a bit too, okay

#

What I wanted to say that was more important that caught my eye

#

Was communicating to her that I probably got PTSD

#

That conversation meant a lot to me

frank ledge Dec 22, 2025, 5:14 AM

#

It’s Monday December 22 2025

crisp forge Dec 22, 2025, 5:18 AM

#

it sure is

frank ledge Dec 22, 2025, 5:24 AM

#

If you new here, this guy not ^
Lol
This forum popular because I be meeting all types of girls, friends, love, but them and me got sorts of problems

#

I come back to this diary and my typing worse. My right fist not working the best, for reasons related to martial artist

#

I got me a relationship, and it with this older girl. 44, she’s speedy and overly needy. Am decades younger than er. However, im convince I can handle her. Her and I been together, 6 months after this December over.

#

This about her and I problems now that I perceive

#

She has anger or emotional problems and gets hella mad at me for leaving her when I want to. Or have other things to take care of.

#

She be throwing clothes, slamming doors, smoking, walking away from me like not wanting to listen. When I don’t give her what she wants.

#

Her and I relationship feels out of control verbally sometimes. She be talking to me like she’ll endanger herself or me if she pissed off enough, I seen it, like fast driving.

#

She a bit crazy around edges. Loose screws. 6 month in and big problems be coming up. That ain’t being resolved. She a difficult personality to work with sometimes. But something about her so exciting and attract me.

#

My personality can be a bit distorted around some edges. I mean, Raya been called “unnormal” by my family and be a weird broad to let in or involve with.

#

How could I love this or these types of girl, anyway? Bad.

#

She dangerous and got so many red flags.

#

Sometime I look at her, and don’t see much thoughts in her head

#

This woman’s mask and mine sometime look the same. Like one of us is mirroring the other back. Something about her and I, act. That’s untrustworthy and impulsive personalities, together, thinking as 1

#

Like she being trusted to drive me and others but shouldn’t be. That’s her job.

#

The worst employee I’ve ever seen, this character risk taking and not the strongest moral conscience

#

Sometime it feel like… she wanna take advantage of me. And sometimes gets her way. Like I let her put her wants over mine.

#

She put my health at risk. I take her risks.

#

I don’t know why I put myself in her harm.
She buys me all these gifts and she already poor, tons of new clothes and mugs, chains, a pair of shoes.
I write her love letters whenever I’m feeling loving. Art I craft and pull together.

#

I be thinking long as she don’t kill me. Tch

leaden bloom Dec 22, 2025, 6:39 AM

#

frank ledge I don’t know why I put myself in her harm. She buys me all these gifts and she a...

Hey buddy

#

dont forget to take care of yourself

#

don't let one person overshadow yourself

#

just here to help 🙂

frank ledge Dec 31, 2025, 2:12 AM

#

Hey

#

It's me again

#

It's Tuesday Dec 20
That means New Years eve soon...

#

I'm with Raya. She broke up with me, but she still want me because she bought tickets for us to go to a few events all around the cities.

#

She dress real good herself. In designer here and there. Even if we ain't rich, and nowhere near it.

#

I hope I'll see haa in this leather mini skirt that had a belt built in.

#

That's fire. Hella bad.

#

I hope her and these fancy brands don't get in the way of her and me...

#

She brought up tour buses... just, damn. The hangouts go crazy.

#

I be making close, connections with the craziest, prettiest, around

#

They do go together

#

Thanks for the 26 hearts, wish I could bring y'all along

#

Ig I'm that lucky, and special

#

The thing is, she's toxic. 44 and I'm her world. She may be mine too

#

Maybe I do want her and I back together...

frank ledge Jan 28, 2026, 3:28 AM

#

It’s Tuesday January 27

#

Raya and I have broken up a few times and gotten back together. It’s hard to set boundaries with her.

#

Thanks for the 28 hearts and yeah this relationship gets toxic sometimes. I cant stand it some days.

#

Recently I broke up with her because she got so angry I took a day off from seeing her on the weekend and instead went to do a job.

#

After that, she starts following guys on instagram WHO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE ME. I’ve never felt madder at her

#

Like I am losing it over here. I’ve never felt so irritated. She has nerve. She just keeps following more and more guys of lookalikes, and still calls me her boyfriend to people. I accepted that title still when her and I met up again.

#

I’ve been thinking about what I’m gonna say, but it’s gonna be in an angry way, I’m not gonna be nice about it. I hate how Raya pushes my boundaries in any possible way to see what she can get away with. Recently there’s a double standard of ME not being allowed to have friends who are girls, but I tell her it’s fine for her to have friends who are guys. Like what am I supposed to do?

#

Now she’s following these lookalikes of me on her Instagram, FOR DAYS AND I HAVE BEEN TOO TIRED TO SAY ANYTHING. Plus she’s been sick, from her bad habits.

#

I have to do something about this and fast before I let her just SEE OTHER GUYS RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE ON SOCIAL MEDIA

#

Then she says… oh, how about we.. just stay at my apartment this weekend… and don’t go anywhere

#

LIKE FOR WHAT? WHAT HAPPENS THERE? NAH

#

IM NOT GIVING HER THAT ATTENTION ANYMORE

#

SHE HAS TO EARN THAT

#

LIKE WHAT DOES SHE TAKE ME FOR, A GUY WITH SUCH LOW SELF RESPECT? Because that’s how she actually is.

#

It makes me sick. Honestly my love has been going for her. She even told me, OH, JAKE, ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS END AT 6 MONTHS!

#

Like why exactly…?

#

Oh wait, because you treat your boyfriend or man like trash at the 6 month mark for some reason, and push boundaries to such an extreme that no man can even take that anymore. Thanks for the warning, YEA.

#

She is so much to keep up with, it frustrates the hell out of me. I hate how she thinks she can get away with this. I’m gonna blow up on phone call tomorrow about it, or I’m gonna drive to her place, and give her a piece of my goddamn mind.

#

I feel so disrespected, by her following some boytoys on instagram that look weirdly like me. Knowing damn well, she doesn’t even have a chance with anyone else who would put up with how psychopathic and difficult she is. A reality she hates to face.

#

I’m gonna have to start faking jealousy, so that she doesn’t mess with me in that way.

#

I GIVE HER AN INCH BY SAYING, LOOK, YOU CAN HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE GUYS LONG AS I MEET THEM, BUT NO, SHES GONNA START GOING MILES. MILES.

#

LIKE HOW MUCH GUYS IS SHE FOLLOWING THAT LOOKS LIKE ME AND IS WEIRDLY COINCIDENTALLY MY AGE AT THE SAME TIME BEFORE SHES DMING THEM

#

I BET SHE HAS ALREADY

#

IM GOING FREAKING LOCO

#

I SPAM CALLED HER LIKE 5 TIMES TONIGHT AND SHES ASLEEP, SHE SKIPPED 2 DAYS OF WORK BECAUSE SHE WAS SOOOO SICKKK OFF WHAT YOU ASK? CLUBBING, BAD HABITS, POISON, AND SO ARE THESE GUYS SHES FOLLOWING

#

I will, break, my GODDAMN, PHONE. RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER FACE TO SHOW HOW MUCH IM ON MY SOCIAL MEDIA.
DAMN CHICK IS FREAKING SCOPING OUT GUYS RIGHT INFRONT OF MY EYES ON INSTAGRAM TRYING TO SEARCH UP MY DETAILS OF APPEARANCE BECAUSE THATS HOW MUCH SHE MISSES A GUY WHOS STILL IN HER SORRY LIFE.

#

IM SORRY IM GOING NUTS HAHA IT FEELS LIKE.. IM GOING CRAZY HERE..

#

OH PLEASE JAKE BE STUCK IN MY HUMID LITTLE APARTMENT TO TAKE CARE OF MY BROKEN OLD BORED SOUL…

#

NO I WOULD NOT TELL HER ALL THIS TO HER FACE. IM NOT THAT TOXIC. IM NOT ABUSIVE. THIS IS SAID BEHIBD HER BACK TOO. SINCE THATS HOW WE DO THINGS NOW.

#

I nddd to relax

#

INHALE, EXHALE

#

BE A GOOD BOYFRIEND AND DONT EXPLODE IN ANGER

#

JUST SAY THE PROBLEM, TAKE AWAY A FEW PRIVILEGES THAT YOU ONCE GAVE HER. AND KNOW ITLL ALL WORK OUT, AND BE OKAY.
AND ASK FOR HER PHONE, TO CHECK HER DMS, BETWEENTHESE PEOPLE SHES FOLLOWING.

#

THE STABILITY I REQUIRE TO BE THIS WOMANS MAN. I AM THE SHOULDER SHE ALWAYSSSS LEANS ON. ITS ALWAAAAYSSSS ME THAT IS THE SANE AND REASONABLE ONE, NEVER THE OTHER WAY AROUND

#

I CAN EXPLODE HERE THO LOL

#

I CAN EXPLODE HERE ALL I WANT AND SCREAM IN RAGE USING THE TAP OF MY FINGERS

#

THE SIDES OF MY PHONE ARE CRACKING HAHAHAHA
Just kidding, guys

#

Woo

#

We are chill… I’m calm… I’m cool…

#

The 28 hearts of support, rooting for me

#

and my sanity.

#

THE EMOTIONS THIS WOMAN BRINGS OUT OF ME IS LIKE, A VOLCANIC ICELANDIC ERUPTION. IM TELLING YOU

frank ledge Jan 28, 2026, 4:22 AM

#

To try and calm myself after that

#

I blow dryed my hair

#

So I’m looking good for tomorrow

#

Shaped it a bit to raise my confidence, after feeling honestly insecure when I saw all those guys she started following

#

It’s important to feel good about urself

#

Even at times where you don’t feel the most appreciated and, my uh… “girlfriend” trying to give me this sense of competition with these other guys after I broke up with her because she, was being so toxic to me when I went to a job instead of spending the day with her

#

I don’t think it’s right, to explode on your partner when they are prioritizing something else.. like why must you be the center of my life, my world shouldn’t revolve around anyone else.

#

I had shaved earlier today too so I’m gonna be looking fresh, a face that lady is clearly trying to replace

#

I dislike when people wanna try to put themselves over… what I want to do. As if I owe anyone attention orrrr that they’re entitled to me, ESPECIALLY after she was insulting me and saying all sorts of things like, “You’re just asking for girls to flirt with you with what you wear, they only want 1 thing to do with you” and she’s very jealous for that, a lot more jealous than me

#

It made me feel like she was also seeing me as a possession instead of a human or a person

#

Like why do you feel like you own me just because of our love. Now it’s no longer love, it’s becoming something else, that is toxic.

#

I know a girl that would really love and support me would be happy that I’m trying out for new jobs and looking at opportunities to support not just me but the relationship and the outings and the food, like we share all tht together

#

It also just shows why do you want me dependant on your money if I want to make more of it, it’s too needy, and not accepting my space that day was a mistake that I’m giving consequences

#

and yea when people do stuff like that, they need consequences, they need to be shown, I don’t belong to you forever. Relationships are not written in stone. This is not a marriage, it never will be. God, marriage, you don’t see that word often in this forum, nope.

#

It’s feels like I’m trying to rewire her brain chemistry… into being something that isn’t boundaryless. I try not to judge her. She hasn’t had the easiest life. I try my best. Since breaking up with her, she’s been respecting me more, I can tell

#

You let someone get away with something, and you give the other person what they want all the damn time even if it hurts you and suddenly it’s like…. Youre their slave, a servant, it goes down this rabbit hole so quickly if you don’t set boundaries at a time you can both remember

#

But it’s odd how I can tell if I didn’t know how to set these boundaries I’d be taken advantage of. A hundred percent, by her. That makes me unsettled, NGL. A bit uneased, at how she started treating me later on in the relationship at the 6-7 month marks

#

It’s hard. Relationships aren’t easy. It takes up a lot of emotional energy for me tbh. Especially when the gals a bit, wild, or unhinged, always off her rockers is her natural state. But that deserves love too, it just needs.. some shaping up to do

#

She’s come to the realization, that she needs me to be happy, make me happy, for me to give her what she wants too

#

There has to be needs met on both sides and it also means having virtues and respect for yourself. You cant just… think of yourself, but for both of you.

#

This chick really said, “MY RELATIONSHWIPS ALWAYS GO WRONGG AT SIX MONTHZZ..!” and I knew something was off

#

I was like oh man,

#

Prepare for war

#

BRACE FOR IMPACT LOL

#

GET SOME BARRIERS UP, NOW, NOW I SAID

frank ledge Feb 1, 2026, 10:56 PM

#

It's a Sunday nd the first of January

#

We have Valentine's day coming up

#

My girlfriends birthday a few days after that

frank ledge Feb 6, 2026, 1:21 AM

#

It's Thursday Feb 5

#

My gf bro

#

This chick, she called me

#

She goes, "I NEED TO SEE YOU TOMORROW FOR FRIDAY. I HAVE TO SEE YOU. ITS TOMORROW OR YOU WONT SEE ME VALENTINES WEEK AT ALL."
I'm like.. ???

#

How gawddamn important is tomorrow, Friday for? What is this? The proposal?

#

Like what in the hell are you saying you wanna force me to go somewhere tomorrow OR ELSE WHAT

#

OR else you won't blah blah bluh

#

I told her, she ain't forcing me to go ANYWHERE. She gotta ask nicely, what am I going missing tomorrow Friday? Hell no. I turn her down. She has to ask me to go somewhere NICELY OR ITS NADDA. NOTHING. That's the respect I request

#

And yeah this gurl, she a lil sketchy around her rockers man... Not yur average broad or kitty.

#

I then tell her what to say... You gotta ask more nicely, why you want me with you so badly suddenly.. why does it no longer feel like my decision where my feet go. Even if I've known her for... Uhh.. 7 months..? A estimate

#

She's not the most stable, nicest around, she hasn't tossed me under a bus in the past or anything but she's someone who lives life by her own rules.

#

Like teaching her how to manipulate me better. SMH. I can't help but feel like that's what I was doing for a second. Like noo, say this more nicely, so that you can get me anywhere at any time you want.
People should be able to reveal their colors without me having to paint them new ones.

#

But it was more complicated than that, u think relationships simple? HA HELL NO.

#

Me and Raya. This relationship gonna be the damn death of me. I bet you 28 following surprised THAT I AINT DEAD YET. NOPE. STILL AROUND.

#

So her and I talk on the phone about it, I word stuff more nicely for her, whatevaahhh... You miss me. You clingy, want me, coo, coo, coo. I tell er.

#

Life feels like a movie with her. Like we are flying, getting higher, and higher till we touch the stars, but when I gotta bring her and I back down to the ground, it's like a rollercoaster that's rocketing down and I can't slow it down. When it's bad, both of us are on fire. When it's good, we're electric.

#

THERES SOMETHING SO CRAZY ABOUT ME AND HER THAT I JUST CANT PUT INTO WORDS FOR YALL

#

AND WE ALL KNOW IT THATS WHY THERES THAT MANY HEARTS HERE

#

I had moderation tell me to adjust some of my words like no cussing and no talk about sexual stuff or drugs so I cut all that out to make it more family friendly haha

#

I had to respect it bc I mean I'm crazy enough, like, how crazy can it get for y'all in here..? I

#

It can't get ANY CRAZIER FOR THE PEOPLE READING I SWEAR TO GAWD, the things some of y'all have heard about us is some seriously, bad, off the rails, wreck of lives to hear about. People who think they are rockstars, y'know? I'm just a guy in his 20s that feels invincible, and life will and already has hit me, and it will keep on because I'm racing through it like there's no rules irl.

#

Or so, living like it. That's a bad example, that I shoot out, that'll make ears ring. No good. But I can be good. We all have a balance of both.

#

Then this girl in my life... FORTY FOUR YEARS OLD. SHE ABOUT TO TURN 45. REMIND ME OF MY AGE AGAIN?

#

People have told me... You're being groomed, this is no good. Yeah, learnt what fear is through this damn lady. After being around in this therapy server talking about how I've had problems with my emotions or not feeling fear, why can I walk on fire wishing I felt a damn thing. But all this self guilt and shame I'm growing into, and still developing. It's tough for me. What I put myself thru. It's on the screen but this is my real life, that people like to watch or read about.

#

It's a nice feeling knowing that people support me, online or the internet. I don't get enough support in my life. I have problems that I don't talk about, we all do. Sometimes I feel tough but it only wounds me up to being rough. It's weird being in this relationship, thinking about the end of a tunnel like a breakup as if it's something I'll eventually need. Wanting something to disappear and last forever at the same time. Raya my girlfriend, and me.

verbal fern Mar 12, 2026, 3:30 AM

#

it's been a little while, are you okay? i enjoy reading your thing and am a little worried with how long it's been.

frank ledge Mar 23, 2026, 10:44 AM

#

Yeah she's in the psych ward atm

late saffron May 9, 2026, 3:57 AM

#

are you alright?

frank ledge May 9, 2026, 7:44 AM

#

May eighth

#

Or nine

#

Finally broke up with her

#

Lady was sucking me dry of life like a vampire

#

Decades older. Should’ve known she was trouble. I hated that about it.

#

The 30 hearts holy smokes the toxic girls they’re no joke

#

It was 2 weeks ago, the 4th breakup

#

I swear this ones the last

verbal fern May 9, 2026, 3:30 PM

#

will you update more in the future? good job on breaking up with her, hopefully you're okay

frank ledge May 10, 2026, 2:48 AM

#

verbal fern will you update more in the future? good job on breaking up with her, hopefully ...

When I got the time, Matt. People so interested in my love life ahaha

#

Write about whatever you want but this a nonfiction

#

“Raya”
What year now? May 9

#

Yeah that relationship was pretty messy and toxic but I gotta move on.

#

There’s lots to the book but her chapters ending

#

She treated me badly, if you read closely. But that’s mental issues. Who doesn’t have those in here?

#

I do too, but nothing is a excuse for treating people bad

#

“Trina or Trinity” This girl, man. Missed opportunity. Deserved better than me

#

Ended up following in her bad habits, crazy how the people I once shamed now reminds me of me

#

Raya got me wrapped up in the worst habits, feels like she gave me open wounds. Not so literally but hurt my mental state real bad. Knows how to destroy a man. You wanna hear it from me is date people in your age pool, there’s something messed up about the other way around

#

You accept the love you think you deserve

#

I had sent her at a late time of night out the blue, I can’t be 30 or 40 for you. Or marry you, have kids with you. She in her 40s, my age just started getting random in my 20s

#

She was getting fed up too, like snapping back to reality of where her and I going in the future

#

Like… I make it clear I’m not gonna be or do certain things at this day and age to her. If it a dealbreaker, then call it a goodbye

#

It confuses me how she wants me to be a husband for her with KIDS, I would be a single father in a few decades bc she would pass and I’m not ready for that either way. I hate how she asked me to marry her at the worst time too, after treating me bad and yeh what you ain’t seen this time was lots of name calling, insults, threats towards me and my family or friends, a lotta drama between us and fear too, fear of being hurt.

#

I had to call it quits. Only so much a gangsta can handle. Def not a 6’1 broad who near 50 and still clubbing.

#

She was a close friend too, we was tight, but now it’s severed ties, overrrr and I ain’t want her back

#

The trauma this woman give me… it gets real

#

Physical, mental, in values, possessions too, and if you in a toxic relationship out there, don’t hold on for so long, leave em the first time they cross your rules. She ain’t know much boundaries or follow them, that was the problem. Then me… unable to give dis bat a marriage, kids, or promising anything long term… like is fine for her to want more but she doesn’t deserve that from me. Helll nah.

#

Should’ve went for that gal Trinity. Who was expecting that, ofc it the girl you be complaining about, in some phone diary to evrybody

#

That Raya gal could’ve made me end up dead, so many times. Gotta drop that one, ain’t text her in 2 weeks easy. I’ll have to buy me a motorbike to look cool, and like I’m doing good, so she miss me, and know she can’t touch this

#

Bahaha

frank ledge May 10, 2026, 4:16 AM

#

Im so stupid 🤦‍♂️

#

I can be a idiot

#

Got me feeling like 30 people watching at all times

#

People waiting for the 30th season episode

#

Currently single, no 3 girlfriends around atm

#

Trying to get my money up

#

Flirting with a girl recently her name, is Winter

#

She 21..

#

That Raya woman a damn demon. Never again. Nothing could possess me to doing something with that

#

I don’t know, young, wild, stupid. Everyone know it

#

We ball

#

Plus I’m embarrassed

#

All my business out there

#

Ngl was journalling it. Had to let yall know I’m still alive lol. She ain’t kill me

#

LIKE OH THIS ONE WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME..

#

YOU ALL WATCH

#

COULD BE THE LAST UR HEARING FROM ME

#

How it was with Raya

#

There is sum about me that’s too wild, I know

#

and yeah I don’t wanna think too much about that one, it was almost A YEAR LONG RELATIONSHIP. I don’t regret but life gives you lessons, people, places, for reasons

#

I can’t blame myself for exploring that

#

and being out there

#

Or sharing my stories

#

Trying to make the most out of life

#

I can be comedic I could be real I could be in danger or dangerous. Risky lifestyle, racy relationships

#

If you ask me I’m crazy, just a bit, and if you ask am I getting any help, yeah

#My girl problems, M22