My girl problems, M22 | The Therapy Center | Page 6

frank ledge Sep 29, 2025, 1:26 AM

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I was trying all of the new shirts and jackets on at her place, seeing how it fits me together

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Gave her a kiss after each one

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That sort of thing

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The clothes are real nice. It's like she chose this brand for me to wear that she thought I'd look good in

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She has this ONE brand that she always wears too

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She's a bundle herself

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and of course I flex my MMA experience with girls

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These crazy broads are gonna have to come at me with frying pans and hairspray with lighters if they wanna kill me

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But a heeled shoe to the head is enough to make me stand back

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Not gonna lie being a good looking guy, some people shove themselves onto you more than you think. Just like how many pretty gals are treated too

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I've had to feign shoulder ramming some drunked bitch from staggering into me intentionally at a bar to get her to back off from me

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Those drunks pretend like they don't know where they're going so they can fall right into you

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I like how after that Raya was saying out loud, "I WILL BEAT THAT BITCH UP IF SHE GETS ANY CLOSER." and was circling around pool tables while swinging her arms around LOLLL

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Like the unclassiness and messiness

frank ledge Sep 29, 2025, 1:37 AM

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frank ledge Those drunks pretend like they don't know where they're going so they can fall r...

and they don't respond to anything verbal, they act deaf too like a zombie

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BARS BE LIKE LMAO

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Ahh man wish I could spend more days with this woman not gonna lie

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She is amusing to me

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I remember laying in her bed watching her sleep and there's just Ke$ha playing in the background HAHA

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You know the song, blah blah blah

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Yep

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It goes, "Meet me in the back with the Jack at the jukebox, so cut to the chase kid, cause I know you don't care what my middle name is"
Ring a bell?

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This one's holding onto her 20s for dear life

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I remember my aunt caught a glimpse of her and she guessed her age to be 30, I told Raya that and she blushed, at my mom figure thinking she's a decade younger than she really is

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Like I didn't know people that age could even blush anymore

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What do you mean she's old, shes barely lived her 40s

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I don't know making a woman that old blush definitely boosts a guys sense of confidence

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I recently wrote a few songs for her and she set the sheet of paper as her background screen on her phone

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Everything she sets as her background screen is related to me I swear

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I have something sketchy to talk about that Raya's done in her past that has raised a red flag to me, which is her saying she's recorded her past loverboys without them knowing. Yep. Filming people without their permission... When they are err.... Exposed. Let's say. I brought that up to her and said if she does that to me, it won't be looking good for her.

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If you saw the way this woman holds cameras and aims them at me when I ask her to take a picture of me or something, you'd be nervous about her past filming too.

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She looks like a pervert whenever a camera is in her hands, she goes in all different types of poses to click photos, crouched down, flat on the ground, hell, I bet she would go into a handstand and take a pic with her mouth if it meant the angle was good.

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I just can't imagine that shit. Being blackmailed by this girl. You never know. Ive been in her bedroom one two many times and if she has any footage of me that she brings up at the end of our relationship that she threatens to leak to my future workplaces or school, er, fuck. "You're a thousand steps ahead of me."

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She said she would do that unsolicited filming for her own safekeeping and not share it with anybody but it's definitely breaking boundaries

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Why do I have a feeling... A gut feeling... She has filmed me without me knowing. Let's not forget my girlfriend is a CRAZY, she's not the normalest girl you come across. Some screws loose her whole life, yeah.

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Like.. "DONT BREAK UP WITH ME YET OR ILL LEAK THIS !!!" I don't know what the fuck I'd do. Honestly.

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I'd try to find a compromise, like how much more of me do you want, the most resentful version of me you have now created, before you're tired of your own games

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The fact she's done that in the past gives a guy the creeps

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I try to shake that feeling off because she said she doesn't do it anymore but how do I know? I wouldn't, THATS THE THING

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NOT THE BLACKMAIL

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But I believe I could break her down just using my words if it ever came to something like that

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Objective be fearless in confrontation and disarm using psychological warfare

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As someone who's had years of acting school you can control people with words and getting into their mind

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She's like a hundred times more unstable than I am on top of that

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I don't know that woman's unpredictability is high at times LOL

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I remember talking to her about that boy she checked out before dating me and it shook her to her core

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and now that I think of it I don't think she would fuck with me to that level

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Anyways enough of that crazy shit, just my paranoia and questioning what she's capable of

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Did you know that Raya's glasses work on my eyes too
Like I tried on her frames, and I can see through her prescriptions
Haha, talk about being compatible

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I found that interesting, how my girlfriends glasses work for me too, those are the only ones I've ever tried on where everything isn't a complete blur that belongs to someone else

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But anyway. Yeah. That picture her and I took from that arcade we went to on Saturday, really highlights the age difference between her face and mine. I found it weird how both her brain and mine don't register that visible gap in age as problematic or bad. For some reason the picture gives me bad vibes. Like oh, yeah, I'm gonna look back at those pictures in a couple decades and think of all the messed up crap she's said towards my younger self that was just entering his 20s. I can already feel the older version of me looking down on me, wondering what I was doing, and how sick I allowed her to make me, but to become that sick in the first place you must be sick beforehand too

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The mugshots looked crazy. I'm telling you

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I already feel nostalgia from her

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No regrets yet

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The thought of her and I never breaking up is very scary to me

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Despite me getting sick off this beauty, life is booming. She's the fire to my forest, and I'm not calling the fire department, she can destroy my whole world.

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People can try to get me help, from her, but you can't do that for someone who doesn't want it

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Just when I thought I couldn't get anymore insane... this lady enters my life

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Hanging out with this girl is like tackling a tiger each time

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Whatever is gonna be done will be intense, unforgiving, and dangerous

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and I'm living for it honestly

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I remember eating dinner with her on Saturday and talking about how I can tackle people in seconds and have

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Like I am a good fighter or martial artist

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I can hand somebody's ass to them if I have to

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I remember also going to a bar with this girl and her and I were both being peer pressured into drinking a free round of shots and I was the one to turn it down, verbally

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Like who's the adult here, you or me, hahaha

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She was looking at me gulping as these sketchy ass motherfuckers surround us at the counter giving free drinks out

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Like bro I don't want your Mystery Sunrise Xtreme Special sorry

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And when those shots were slid in front of us I downed both of ours to keep my girl sober

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I remember walking out that bitch after ignoring 3 catcalls of women triple my age and lying about being 25 even though they checked my ID

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Yeugh

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I couldn't take it anymore, a bunch of middle aged women asking me if I'm funny and if I could make them laugh

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Like get me the fuh out of here

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Some bitch asking me how old you are and I say 25 LOL

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DONT ASK THE BARTENDER IM OUT OF HERE IN 5 MINS FLAT

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I don't know if it's illegal in here to talk about bars and stuff cause some teenagers are let in pubs but they aren't allowed to drink, plus it's legal, y'know

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I REMEMBER GOING TO THEM WITH JASMINE AND SHE WAS SEEING THIS 36 YEAR OLD MAN AND HE KEPT TRYING TO TOUCH ME LIKE PUT HIS HAND ON MY SHOULDER AND ID PHYSICALLY WEAVE OUT OF THE WAY HAHAHA

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ID GLARE AT HIM SO UNAPOLOGETICALLY HE STARTED TEXTING JASMINE, "Who is that guy, I don't like him, ditch him" LIKE IM SEEING EVERYTHING BUD

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LIKE FUCK OFF ME GRAMPS, SEND THE GIRL OVER SOME ROUNDS AND KEEP YOUR DISTANCE

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God I miss that girl so much

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Yep the Jasmine chick

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She was a spy all along...

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Her and I were low-key a duo and vibe until Trina got in between the friendship

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I MISS JASMINE SO MUCH NOOOO

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HER AND I ENDED TOO EARLY

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I remember showing up to Jasmines place and her room being way too small for me

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I'd be all hunched over in her musty little room tripping over her wedges suffocating

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Like her ceilings were not built for someone of my height

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I'd have to duck under her doorway and ceiling fan

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Her room was so dirty each time that id be coughing my ass off from how much dust was flying around, I was developing allergies in that living space I swear to god

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It would be hard to survive in there for more than 40 minutes

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Claustrophobia

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I know she secretly miss me too

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I swear the entrance to Jasmines house was so thin that I had to slide in sideways and I'd never not trip on the shoes laying around

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Like a fucking obstacle course getting in that place

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I'm doing cartwheels and somersaults just getting past the front door there

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Jungle gym

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She has those types of dogs where you have to climb up the walls and stand on the furniture to avoid and not be attacked

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I'd be wrestling them off me each time

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I remember being drunk as fuck at Jasmines house and her dogs both decided to try and fly themselves at me to knock me over I'm not even kidding and I just see Jasmine trying not to laugh

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My blackout ass is like stumbling over gripping the wallpaper

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I could also tell that Jasmines family liked me more than they like Trina

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They see Trina as this toxic problematic girl and honestly, yeah. I'm not like that, however, they must see me as a bit stupid, and troubled

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Loved her catchphrase, "Thenk yeuw for pudding up with my craziness." She says in a higher pitched voice than normal

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I can already hear Jasmines family from here and their thoughts just by intuition, "THAT JAKE GUY IS IN DANGER. HE DOESNT KNOW WHAT THE HELL HES GETTING INTO. I DONT WANT HIM TO GO MISSING. DOING STUPID FUCKING SHIT WITH FORTY YEAR OLDS AND DATING PEOPLE TOO OLD FOR HIM. HES STUPID, DUMB, STAY AWAY FROM HIM FROM NOW ON JASMINE"

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I'm like bad news to her family now. That's too bad

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I've had some mild paranoia of her family showing up to speak to mine about who I'm dating. That's why I had to cut off these good friends, I dunno, to be my friend they'd have to accept my lesser morals, my self assigned flaws they shouldn't try to fix, some people can't stand around while somebody else loses their head

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OH NO, SOMEBODY WHO CARES ABOUT ME, AGHH... NO, IM BURNING ALIVE, LIKE A VAMPIRE IN LIGHT, GET AWAY

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Such bitter endings for me

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I bet Trina sees me as unfriendly and unforbidding. Impossible to be a friend to. I might not disagree with that, or agree with it either. It must be hard, to be friends with me. To know that what you're doing is wrong but still continuing to do it is unlikeable, and less sane.

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But that's how it is, being mentally ill, you don't have too many friends, the ones you do make don't last

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I bet if I was in a relationship with Trina I would've healed many parts of her and been a better man

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But I'd rather fuel myself with trauma to become that in the future even more so

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I wonder when I move to a new college if ill stay with Raya, a normal school, not this one that's for delinquents. And yeah that's where I belong to, everyone's a bad apple there.

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There's criminals walking all over there, like fuck, one of my friends at that place, he has a charge for attempted murder too, just like Jasmine does. ||Except his is from stabbing a guy, almost murdering them to death.||

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You're casually next to people who have committed dangerous fucking acts, and that's your social networking circle for you.

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These two guys that come from Chicago, they've been scoping me out a bit. I'm pretty cool with them. They've been approaching me recently, they rocking camo and shit. Cool or whatever. But I can't wait to get the fuck out of here and meet some straight edge people who aren't all shaped by the pen already.

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Like nice camo bro what type of hunting you do, LOL

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Sketchy ass people man

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And this school I go to, is already nostalgic too, like a future me has let go a part of it

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It was an interesting experience but I'm ready to get the fuck out of here thanks

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I CANT LIE THE PEOPLE LOWKEY BE INTERESTING DOE, BUT IS THIS A PRISON OR A SCHOOL YKNOW LIKE LOL

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Even Raya is too scary for half the people there

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The staff recommending her to do her school online instead 💀

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Everyone there tough as fuck

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But anyway

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JUST ALL THESE MURDERERS GRAVITATING TOWARDS ME

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LIKE CHILL MY GRADUATION IS IN 8 MONTHS OR SO KEEP WITHIN A DISTANCE

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I'm wrapped up in enough trouble with this 44 year old woman from that place

frank ledge Sep 29, 2025, 3:59 AM

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But yeah that must be what stems from liking craziness, they're all around me, just where I've been placed

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That's what I see all the time

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I go into Jasmines DM and ask her so gonna send me that mugshot or do I gotta look awn mugshawtys

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I bet she will end up there one day

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JK I haven't done that LOL

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Imagine

frank ledge Sep 29, 2025, 5:19 AM

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Not gonna lie I foresee the future sometimes

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and I see I'll be in other relationships

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Premonitions

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I'll compare the next girl I'd have opened my heart for to Raya and see how extreme she was in comparison

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I bet I'll miss her some days

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and her poison

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Fuck man

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That woman is something else

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I like how intimidating she is around regular folk

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She said in a heat of anger that she should tie me up with ropes because I was shoving her off when the massage she was giving me was too rough and causing me pain

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Like LOL...

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Her eyebrows were furrowed and her voice was hoarse when she said it walking out of her room

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Then I saw some lack of empathy in her there

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I can't be damned to bring that up

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If I said that to this lady, she would say "What?" Sassily, and act like she doesn't know what I'm saying. She has lesser, emotional awareness or intelligence than I do, not to shame her, we all have our strengths and weaknesses

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Not gonna lie, when I look into her eyes I see someone nearly cruel as me at times. In the sense that you could hurt someone else and yourself

frank ledge Sep 29, 2025, 6:45 AM

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I know it's caught the attention of some of you folks that Raya and I watch some adult cartoons... Yes... We do...

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The big mouth... The human resources... All that brain rotting crap

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The shame wizard... the anxiety fly, so retrded

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Imagine designing a movie and you think, hmm yes I will add this big ass fuqing stone in an office as a character

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Like who thinks of that, I don't know

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It all makes a man shudder and cringe

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But it's bloody hilarious I can't deny it

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Don't get me started on the addiction angel

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No words

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It's like the movie, 'Inside Out' but for disgusting people

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I'm 40 million years old Connie

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The part where they showed the chakras was low-key, WOKE

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Some parts I have to replay back to make sure I saw correctly

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In a, "WTF was that" way

frank ledge Sep 30, 2025, 2:02 PM

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It's Tuesday Sep 30
Crazy blonde ex girlfriend, Trina sighting. Spotted at the same time as, jealous psychbird ex-con past close friend Jasmine. In the exact same spot, talking to each other, while I walked by.
They both look like freaks, what else can I say. We ignored each other but I bet they talk about me

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I was walking past them on the sidewalk right near by my school, we all go to the same place together. People say to not date people from your school but I find it funny, not gonna lie

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Jesus Christ 2 in 1

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I remember the last words I spoke to Jasmine in her text messages it was just insulting each other back and forth

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I said to Jas back then in messages, Trinas problems are being unable to do fuck all at school, that girl shows up just to sit around and watch YouTube on her phone, blast edgy music, and talk to her last resort of a boyfriend that she almost cheated on me with. She ain't passing, and I'm picking on it

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Trina let out this crazy ass laugh when I walked by, LOL

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Nd I don't think I've ever dated a girl who didn't have an obnoxious laugh

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Jasmine doesn't even look at me anymore, she turns her back to me, and that's probably for the best, something I asked for even though it's not what I want, it should be

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She's still an interesting critter, I had walked by her in the hall when she was buying something from a vending machine and she seemed to be in a hurry, or even a bit startled by my appearance

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I sensed uhh urgency in her and saw her rush into the class shes taking. But whatever.

frank ledge Oct 1, 2025, 9:14 PM

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Wednesday, October 1st
Soo it's 5 PM and Raya offered to give me a ride to her place cause we wanted to hangout. She's on her way now. Wonder where this day will take me, usually it's just the weekends

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She called me on her way here and I heard her honk a few times, some shouting... yeah.
But she did tell me the new medication/prescriptions she got were helping her mentally, there's that

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This girl is never not, honking on the road, I have to tell her she's a good driver or else she isn't.

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I've been trying to find my pin number to my bank card because... who the hell actually knows theirs LOL

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Not me.
Anyways
I have a new vape to buy
I don't know if that's allowed to be talked about butttt if it isn't I would delete it if I knew

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I've been trying to come up with a master plan of a lie, to tell my family why I can spend nights over at my girlfriend's place on weekdays.
Y'know, my family says they don't want Raya, a 44 year old woman as my girlfriend, and I keep it a secret from them that I am with her. I do what I want.
May tell my family, uhh... it's a couple friends that I'll be sleeping over with, not a date or anything. Haha.

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I mean, I almost already live with Raya at her place part-time. Whenever I'm away from my aunt and uncle's place, I can intuitively feel they're trying to drag me back there and put some chains and shackles on my wrists and ankles. I bet they could tell in the slightest that she is who I'm seeing. I mean, I wonder if they can smell her perfume or BO off me.

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With whatever toxic words she has to spill to me at times, idfc. The toxicity flies over my head at times. Bla bla bla. Whatever, nice car, nice job, nice apartment. I get to enjoy it too

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It's like I can choose to ignore the B.S.
Because regardless she wants love and that's what I am in her life

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Anyways... She's like a street down

frank ledge Oct 2, 2025, 4:11 AM

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Wow

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It's uh, 12 at night. Turning into the 2nd.
I spent the rest of my day with Raya.
Her and I talked about, the topic of... having kids or children and how you'd have to support them. She said she couldn't give me that, and that she was thinking of getting uhh... tubal ligation and it's where you get your fallopian tubes removed so that you cannot become pregnant.
My girlfriend Raya was saying.. she's been wanting to do that for years. Maybe about 7 years now she's thought about it. Because that's how much she's thought of, not having kids, and y'know prioritizing fun over trying to raise kids. It made her start to cry to think about how she couldn't provide that for me. I had already told her I wouldn't want them in the next few years of my life anyway.

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She even brought up her... mental issues I guess. Saying she wouldn't want to pass them on, and okay then. I told her, kids would freaking ruin my life if I had them right now. Just couldn't. Too young for that shit, and her problem is the opposite, she's too old for that.

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Like yeah, girl, you keep me up all night too, why would I need kids to do that for me instead haha

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One day I may have kids but I'm unsure if it will be with this girl, I mean who knows, my future wife may be infertile too like you could never know

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Like that depends on my woman's decision more than my own

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Bc it's her body

frank ledge Oct 2, 2025, 4:44 AM

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Other than that her and I both skipped dinner to see each other so I went and bought Raya and I a meal after she spent a few bills on me for our nicotine needs

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Then her and I went to her apartment, played music loud, got comfy

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Intimate, I like how she worships my body

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From head to toe, she loves every part of me

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I'm not talking about the other girls because like I have a girlfriend now

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I know it's obviously... entertaining, to read about... multiple girls at once... like oh wow, but... I've had this gf for like 5 months now. I don't need any other girls in my life at the moment. I'm loyal like that, the Trina girl is good as an ex and she's bad news, the Jasmine girl is mad at me too for leading Trina on, her and I started to become a toxic friendship sorta.

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Trina and Jasmine were not only just like love interests for me but they were, very close friends, before romantic interest begun.
There's girls I know who have the hots for me or whatever but I've, barely formed any friendship with them or base level communication, just the sorta people you see passing by once in a while, at first glance, a few words exchanged

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But those two? Mann... Been to each other's houses, met family, been places, like, I've been tight with those two until now.

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But uh, anyway.
Raya and I watched the stars tonight in the sky around my place before I got back.

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Yeah, looking at the galaxy or whatever.

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Her and I had a great night today, I mean, her makeup got ALL over me. It's everywhere. There's marks of it all over my face, neck, shoulders, chest, back. She said she hopes my skin doesn't breakout.

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Now it's just, Raya this 44 year old woman in my life, and uhh... I think I'll describe more of her physical appearance for you guys. Cause, it's like 44? Really? With 22? A guy in college. Yeah.
So.. Raya my girlfriend here has a bit of a youthful and ghostly look to her. I wonder how a lady could look 21 and 50 at the same time. Looks a bit like a vampire, pallid skin, hollow...
Tall, skinny, she's 6'1. I'm still taller than her by a few inches. My head sits, just well above hers.

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I remember waking up beside her one morning... and her eyes flickered open, like a light. Her face was beautiful, like her age was frozen in time decades ago, with this shiny porcelain skin, and her lips naturally tinted hot pink. The way her eyes lit up at the sight of me there, like in pleasant surprise. I remember telling her, you're so cute, just like girls my age. I bet when I look at her, I have a sparkle in my eyes. Y'know when some people look at those they love, my ex girlfriends eyes Trina would dilate when they looked into mine for example

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Even though people talk about Raya like she's weird, I can tell she's appeared to stay so young at her age because of... being on medications/drugs at an early age. That includes pharmaceuticals and street ones. That changes how your brain develops, and you can tell as her inner self didn't mature so far, her outer self didn't either. That's fine with me. Nobody's perfect.

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Her skin is this translucent white with vibrant branches of blue and purple, like lightning that covers her. The same paleness that dead people have. Like I said, ghostly. You can almost see through her complexion, and carve out her nerves, veins, and system with your eyes

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I had recently brought up to Raya that she has these very intense eyes. They look manic. Naturally all three whites of her eyes will show for a few seconds in her mannerisms. I questioned it. "Did you take something today?" She said she hadn't. I told her, "I've always liked your intense eyes."
She then told me, "Yeah, and when I look into yours I see them staring back at me."

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At the start of her and I spending time with each other, I noticed she was tense, stressed, and burdened with the week ahead of her. There was a strong bond of hedonism in the air, between us, causing static. But by the end of the day, I left Raya and she was ecstatic. She was whistling, passionate, enthusiastic, wild. She said she will be happy all week after I saw her today. I can tell that I, satisfied, her soul, the serotonin radiating off her after feeling me was electric. I could see deep down I made her happy, and that no substances were needed tonight for either of us to feel entertained. Just the drug of love.

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Other than her and I connecting through similarities in personal issues like hedonism, we have genuine chemistry. I remember tonight... I didn't feel a need or want to smoke or vape at all which is a bad habit we both have, because I was too engrossed by my girlfriend's beauty and her restlessness to see me today

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I remember writing here, the thought of Raya and I never breaking up was scary to think about. I tried to delve deeper into why. Why I felt that way. It's because being with her is a test, a test of how far I'm willing to push limits when it comes to my own health and indulging in hedonistic activities that are slow killers for the body and mind. She's made me feel responsible for my own tolerances to what ever I am tolerating.
Both her and I simply being unable to show concern for each other's health, when we are both blatantly heavily sick is a reflection of how we both lack care for ourselves. But there's a silent compassion between us. I get sick, she gets sick, we share the feeling, but she knows it so much better than I do. I'm thinking how can I show her, care. More care. That means showing myself more care first, and I struggle greatly with that when the line between pleasure & pain, highs & lows, are complexly thin.

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It's like, you and your loved one are bleeding out and either of you aren't calling it out, aren't reacting to it, just letting it happen, and being completely okay with it. What is it even called. To be numb to pains. Carelessness doesn't feel like the right word, maybe it is strong, after all is said

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She reminds me so much of myself with that. Not wanting to worry each other. Keeping to yourself, dealing with it internally

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Now I'm up... thinking of her. Losing sleep, while she takes up my mind
I look forward to seeing her... she's so wild and unapologetic... the controversial air to her is intoxicating, I could lose myself to this relationship and wouldn't even care... because that's how fun she can be. She's so taboo, and been blue for too long. I don't know why but the type of messed up she is, is compatible with the type of screwed up that I am

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I'm in over my head. I have this worry at the back of my head too, the day I do break up with her will feel... unpredictable for me. She's not the most well girl in the world, she can be trigger crazy sometimes... the breakup would definitely be hard for her to recover from emotionally. I couldn't imagine her sobbing her eyes out to me, telling me how much she loves or loved me. The thought of that sends shocks throughout me, I couldn't... I'd feel the stress of a ton, trying to calm her, make sure she's okay after the breakup, it would be the worst one I've ever had -- I can tell. Because the girls old, lonely, and has very low likability of getting another partner unlike a young guy like me

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Let's say, I have premonitions, alright ?
When I change schools and move to a nicer college which will be in a year or so... I'm unsure if I'll stay with Raya. I have a feeling I'd get disinterested. I have a feeling if her and I ever do breakup, she would try and slither her way back into the crevices of my life in any way she possibly can. She'd probably enrol in the same college, the same courses even if she doesn't want them, tailgate and park by me, follow me without me knowing/stalking. She all gives off those vibes. Doesn't seem like the type to easily let go of what she wants. She would see me as hers for a very long time even after we would have broken it off. A, "I can't move on!" Type of girl towards me

frank ledge Oct 3, 2025, 3:36 AM

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This is embarrassing

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Thursday October 2nd

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I'm just trying to figure it out

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Like

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I couldn't call my emotionally unstable ass girlfriend tonight because I was busy sleeping knocked out dead tires

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I'm annoyed because I am not on top of schoolwork and very much have not done it yet

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My family's angry at me because they wanna see me some weekends and I'm out and about doing other stupid shit

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I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

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Like can these people let me f*king live. LOL.

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"JAKE WE WANT YOU TO STAY AT OUR PLACE BECAUSE... TO... SO... THAT YOU CAN SIT IN YOUR ROOM AND DO FUCK ALL ACTUALLY."

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Like what am I supposed to do at my family's place for a whole day

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You people have me do fucking nothing

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Im tired of it

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Plus my family is now insisting I share my 30 energy drinks, more like 25 with them, they're going

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Like really bitch

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Them shits cost a fucking fortune out of my pocket
MY MONEY. ME. MINE.

#

Fuck y'all's place

#

Boutta pack up for this shit and get mothafucking going

#

Please let me destroy myself with this 44 year old woman instead thanks

#

Somebody tell me why I have 5 fucking voicemails suddenly in the span of like an hour they were given to me LOLL LIKE WHO CALLING HAHAHA
WHO DONE GIVEN MY NUMBER OUT CZ...

#

Plus uh...
Raya was acting a bit weird on call today. I don't know. More like emotionally unstable at an inconvenient time.
I like to assume this woman has her tactics to get what she wants out of me.
When I had to go, her tone changed suddenly and it sounded like she was crying and very upset. Like she wanted my attention and for me to stay on the phone with her.

#

I don't know, how can you be fully fine and then when I tell you I have to go, you start sobbing on the spot. Like what the fuck. Nice acting.

#

Can my family let me go to Miami for 3 days. I don't get what the issue is.

#

Instead of doing homework for the next few hours of the night I will be vaping my ass off and listening to LMFAO instead

#

I don't need math I need a beer right now and the world should respect such wishes without shame

#

Instead of going to school on Wednesday I had skipped to spend time with trouble AKA my girlfriend

#

Trouble except spelt like truble

#

Bitch I don't got 1 sheet of homework done and I woke up with energy juice all over my chin and chest

#

Gotta tell my family do they know how f*king boring they are

#

I've just been dreading this Sunday and the possibility of them keeping me chained here with a ball around my ankle

#

Plus whenever I smoke weed they complain
Like yeah and ur BO stinking this fucking place the hell up but I ain't complaining mathafacka
The weed the least of everyone's oxygen worries

#

Like I am leaving this facking place for 3 days to catch my bender with this smoking hot broad that can't get enough

#

Don't keep me trapped here or so god help me

#

Plus shawty was unstable as FUCK. On call today. I asked her if she's okay like multiple times. More like, "You good?" I'm sorry but I... Fuck
I just don't know what I could've done for her, my emotional support was running empty, I was tired, the call was lasting too long, SHE WASNT LETTING ME GO

#

SHE WAS OVERWHELMING ME MAN

#

INSTEAD OF ORGANIZING AND PREPARING FOR THE NEXT DAY IM RANTING ON HERE TRYING TO CLEAR MY MENTAL SPACE AND PUT MYSELF TOGETHER FOR THE LONG DANGEROUS ASS WEEKEND IM ABOUT TO EMBARK ON LOL

#

I WAKE UP WITH LIKE CRUMBS ON MY FACE WITH SODA STAINS AND IM JUST EXHAUSTED FROM THURSDAY

#

WITH 3-4 MISSED TEXTS FROM RAYA

#

NO, I DONT WANNA DO A TRILLION PAPERS OF MATH. PLEASE. STOP. SEND BACK. RETURN TO SENDER. PLEASE.

#

WHERES THE RECEIPT, I HAVE CLUBBING TO DO

#

WHEN THE "TRUBLE" IN SPEAKING IS MINI SKIRTS AND BACKLESS TOPS LOL

#

THIS BITCH SO BAD AHAHA

#

I'm fucking weak

#

NO SIDE CHICKS... NO.. NONE OF THAT SORRY

#

YALL SHOULDA SEEN WHAT THIS GIRL SENT IN MY MSGS BECAUSE ITS SCARY LIKE SHES TALKING ABOUT BEATING PEOPLE UP IM LIKE ??? YOU 44 AND WEAR LIPSTICK. ONLY GUY U SHOULD BE BEATING UP IS ME. HELLO?

#

IM LIKE RUNNING A HAND DOWN MY FACE TRYING NOT TO WORRY ABOUT HOW IRRITABLE THIS CHICK WAS LATER ON TODAY

#

WHY U TRYNA RUN FADES SUDDENLY LIKE NOO HAHAHA

#

LIKE LOOK IM NOT TRYNA GET ARRESTED, WE DO ENOUGH ILLEGAL CRAP

#

BTCHES BE 6 FOOT AND FIGHT MEN IN THEIR 40S LOL LIKE UR NOT BABY GIRL UR MIKE TYSON

#

U MORE UFC THAN ME

frank ledge Oct 4, 2025, 12:26 PM

#

Friday, and Saturday Oct 4

#

Raya and I hung out like we usually do. I'm planning to stay at her apartment until Sunday hits. Then I'm out of there for Monday.
Raya's my girlfriend by the way, she's 44 years old and works as a driver.

She invited me dancing. So her and I went, and I had a great time. Other than being tired by the end of the night, by staying up until morning from Friday to Saturday. Her and I haven't slept for a day now.
That's just too bad, isn't it

#

Not to make anyone worry, but this girl makes me be in such bad health. Shes like a bad habit.
Ever since her and I started going clubbing and to bars, our relationship has been... less pleasant..? Less... Wholesome... Less... I don't know. Lesser.

#

I can feel mental health problems manifest in myself from here. By being with her. Condoning her behaviors.
While her and I were out on Friday night, heading to an adult club, she said, "I don't know why I do these things, that harm me, for fun. I see people who have never changed." After she bought a pack of cigs in front of me, something she talked about wanting to quit not so long ago, and from the looks of it she was/is doing great

#

It reminded me of myself a lot

fickle hinge Oct 4, 2025, 12:56 PM

#

this isn't just a case of girl problems, your struggling with instability across relationships,health,academics and identity

#

i been reading and honestly this sounds a bit too much to deal with i dont know how you been putting up with all of this like you sound like your'e carrying way more than anyone should have to,imo i think your'e exhausted from trying to be strong in a situation that keeps draining you

#

raya might feel like comfort sometimes,but if shes draining you,confusing you and pulling you away from your gosls thats not love its distraction you deserve someone who lifts you and makes you a better person

#

your relationship and lifestyle choives seem to be pushing you towards a breaking point atm

#

same w school your not failing because your unmotivated your struggling because your unwell and unspported

#

please dont do this to yourself,please take care of yourself and your health

#

please just take a day off to take care of yourself and rethink everything thats been going on

#

im really sorry your going through this,no one should carry this much on their plate

#

if you ever need someone to talk too,im here

#

praying for your recovery and health ❤️‍🩹

feral nacelle Oct 4, 2025, 2:23 PM

#

you should listen to Eminem

#

will give you motivation

#

I recommend "Lose yourself", "Love the Way you Lie", "Sing for the Moment", "Survival" and looking at your ||sex|| life, you need to listen to Fack ^_^

fickle hinge Oct 4, 2025, 5:03 PM

#

yess the kind of music you listen too is important dont listen to negative music

round sun Oct 5, 2025, 10:40 PM

#

Ayy

clever mason Oct 6, 2025, 2:18 AM

#

@fickle hinge @feral nacelle Please take your flirting in your DMs and not within a post where someone is someone is meant to get help. Please do not do this again.

frank ledge Oct 6, 2025, 9:17 AM

#

fickle hinge this isn't just a case of girl problems, your struggling with instability across...

Monday October 6
Yeah all of the above

frank ledge Oct 6, 2025, 9:18 AM

#

fickle hinge i been reading and honestly this sounds a bit too much to deal with i dont know ...

I tend to put myself into draining situations, yeah. Just for fun, the hell of it all

frank ledge Oct 6, 2025, 9:20 AM

#

fickle hinge your relationship and lifestyle choives seem to be pushing you towards a breakin...

I don't think I have a breaking point and that's the worst part about me is that I just get worse and do more harmful stuff and just watch my life and health break apart in front of me, and I think it could always be worse

frank ledge Oct 6, 2025, 9:21 AM

#

fickle hinge im really sorry your going through this,no one should carry this much on their p...

Well I do it to myself

#

and like my own girlfriend says, I don't know why I put myself in situations that harm me, for fun.

#

Her and I share that same exact problem and look where she's ended up in life. Not to talk bad on my gf but she's an awful worker, doesn't have financial stability, her life is full of bad habits, her health is consistently crap mentally and physically from the habits. She's been a mess since, forever.

#

I started throwing words out in the air like...
Hedonism
Boredom
Danger
Risk

#

But what do any of these mean to someone's soul. I try to make sense of it. Why my girlfriend and I are both like this and how it's drawn us together. I wish I attracted the opposite instead but no.

#

We are people who like poison and get pain mixed up with pleasure and I've been like this since I was a kid

#

You see people like my girlfriend all the time, and their life can start off any way, they could have good parents or none at all, they can be rich or they can be poor and still end up messed up because they wanted temporary highs and liked letting go of every pressure in their life for it to forget about all the standards and expectations others have for them. All the shame and judgment other well sculpted people put on people who are struggling, it's like a form of escapism maybe. We can finally say screw everything, it's a way of rebellion too, to be rebellious, to stop caring, to not have to.

#

To confront the dangers and risks of the world with a desire to dive right in and tackle it means that it is also in you, and that you are the trouble too. To enable. To seek. To become a part of it. I suppose

#

I remember showing concern for my girlfriend's health this Saturday and she ignored it completely. But not in a rude intentional way. In a way where she couldn't process the care I was showing her, she couldn't recognize another person seeing the pain she was in and showing awareness of it, she had closed herself off to the concept of sympathy and empathy so far long ago that she doesn't respond to it at all

#

I could tell by her energy, she wanted to turn away from me, or not give my concern any energy, she didn't want to talk about it

#

and yeah my girlfriend is in pain right now, she hurt her body by tripping, and some other stuff I can't talk about here but that you can probably assume. I got hurt a bit ago too, my wrist is almost fully healed after spraining it by accident

#

I mean people have probably caught onto how willing I am to do stupid dangerous shit that has chances of killing me or hurting me very badly

#

I don't want that problem to become so severe to where life has to humble me to the point of becoming disabled or dead in order to show me that I should have limits before something seriously bad happens to me

#

Just being with this lady is.. I don't know, people have told me, not a good decision. My aunt told me it's morally wrong for Raya to be my girlfriend too. She's made some of my morals lower too and it's made me lose confidence in myself.

#

I remember young, like when I was a kid, and knowing that very bad things were gonna happen to me because I would have risky behaviors and was a delinquent. I tried to change my ways and I did, for some time. I did good to be a better person. Until Raya stepped into my life, and trouble found me, and it came in the form of my past self that I want to love and accept

#

I started to notice as I got older that my desire for danger and risky activity simply came from... some mental deficiencies. A different brain, that is lacking in some areas. Like I'm missing a sense of danger and that comes with missing a sense of fear too, so when I do feel those two emotions I already have trouble sensing, it excites me I guess. Everyone has their weaknesses and strengths but I'm self aware enough to deconstruct why I am these ways. The two mental disorders I have are a main part of it. But I question if I am a sociopath at times, because I tend to draw similar characters of those traits into my life. My girlfriend very much, gives off that energy too. I mean, everyone at my school is scared of Raya, you take one look at her and can sense someone with not the best intentions, she's a shady girl. I don't like to think so lowly of myself but admittedly I've felt like a terrible person recently, I lie, I fight, I do crime, I try so hard to care about things that I should. I'm narcissistic, selfish, psychotic, and do anything to hide it. Even though I know Raya has some questionable intentions for me, like I can tell the girl wants to chip away at my health and sicken me, I don't know, I just love the trashy bitch so much, I can't relate to that psychological sadism this woman possesses but it attracts me. It's like she wants people worried for me.

#

Like how can someone be so fucked from birth to where they're born with less senses that you need to survive

#

My girlfriends also hinted to me that she just cares a lot more about "fun" in her life, cough cough, aka me, than developing a more serious lifestyle with kids and being a parent, than getting a better occupation by prioritizing a school life, she values a reckless guy like me in her life over those ambitions

#

And honestly I can't even, take my own mental health that seriously. It's just living with it, they're just disorders that describe certain behaviors and traits, there is not much I can do about any of them.

#

My girlfriend likes imperfections and stuff, I remember her saying she liked ||guys that self harmed.||
I was taken aback, like fuck you mean. It almost made me mad. See. Emotional sadism right there. Boom. Yeah. This lady is on some Marilyn Manson shit. I was like, really, how many people have you met that are schizophrenic?
Tw SH

#

I don't know, I'm not like that, like hello. I know people who say that stuff are damaged, and mentally ill, that is deranged to some level, and you can also see some abusiveness in her for saying that. Like she sees men and her partners as prey, or something to take away from, someone to cause pain to for her own entertainment, she also wants to play savior in her own way, for a guy to lean on her and cry on her. So she can be a good person for once, and comfort them, because them being hurt gives her the opportunity to.

#

and why can I see through all this bullshit but still want her, because I understand her, why am I OK with her as a person when no one else is, how can I love her awfulness

#

But y'know I'm not hopeless to her, she's not just like... trying to hurt me all the time, I can put her in her place real fast if I need to. My words mean a lot to her, and they impact her very much if I'm not careful I bet the girl can completely lose her mind and do something destructive if I don't choose my words thoughtfully

#

Raya isn't half as self aware as me. She doesn't confront the way she truly acts or is, she just lets her behaviors eat away at her until there's little to nothing left in her life and suddenly she's in her 40s with no husband, on a fake leather couch in some suffocatingly small apartment, a job duty she doesn't respect, an empty stomach, as she waits for life to throw her a curveball so she can have an excuse to live even more crappier

#

The amount of money she has in her bank is that of what you accumulate in 2 years of having a job and I know that because I literally have around the same amount of her at my age

#

Like what has she been spending that on

#

Other than see-through leopard tank tops and her lifelong cigarette addiction

#

I mean I ain't shaming the lady's bank statements now because I got around the same amount but the girl is double my age

#

Did I mention a terrible employee

#

Yeah

#

This woman is a disgrace to her occupation I swear to god lmao

#

And then I think back and I haven't been the best either honestly, well I mean, in one of my past schools I was suspended for embezzlement and destruction of property. Just to admit something bad I've done too

#

Thank god they didn't catch me for ninety percent of that and only ten percent because I would've been fucking arrested instead

#

I was literally like 16 years old at the time what the fuck was I doing

#

Anyways, LOL

#

Yeah Raya and I umm we haven't had the highest moral standings that you've ever heard of

#

This woman has songs about being a bad girl and breaking rules, I think I am hopeless and weak to her after all

#

Other than all of this crap, I have been coming up with a plan to either 1. Destroy my girlfriends cigarettes hitman style or 2. Steal them myself
She relapsed on that addiction last Sunday, and I remember taking her cig from her hand and smoked it myself. When I probably should've tossed it.

#

Look I'm sorry but the lady is gonna go a lot quicker than me in life. She will be pushing 65 when I'm 40. My body can take that cancer stick better than her.

#

I can already feel the days of her and I broken up and we shall meet up at places to talk at an older age. I'd be acting, dumb as I possibly can, while she tries to pull as much sympathy and care from me that she can. After months or years of being unable to receive it when she had it.

#

I would be, 6 glasses of wine down at a low end restaurant, getting looks that are just bad as when her and I were dating in 2025

#

I bet she'd move onto a dating app, getting zero matches, swiping right on every guy that even looks the slightest bit like me

frank ledge Oct 6, 2025, 10:56 PM

#

Monday October 6
My girlfriend called me and said she wants to quit smoking and all her bad habits related to substance use. That was nice to hear

#

That's something... They're words for now, but we will see if she commits to that

#

She said, "I don't want you to follow in my footsteps." Oh well.

#

Turning good all of a sudden? I mean, haha. Unlike her. Good for her though. Maybe since she recently injured herself, she's wanted to change her ways.

#

I mean... I didn't say much as I wish I had. I was quiet and supportive of it. A bit shy. Because I'm not quitting my bad habits but she plans to

#

Told her that those are the best decisions she could make for her health

#

She was saying, "If I wanna live longer for you I should quit the bad habits"

#

Uh-huh... Live longer... Ey...

frank ledge Oct 6, 2025, 11:21 PM

#

Shocked that she wants to become healthier because of me

frank ledge Oct 7, 2025, 1:30 PM

#

Tuesday Oct 7
My gf and I on call and uhh... hahaha.... Girls really into me I'll tell you that much

#

Whenever I reread my texts above I laugh my ass off

#

I'm sorry

#

Whew

#

She drive me crazy

#

I called her this morning just cause

#

It's like having a wife

#

You do all these romantic and intimate things with each other and when you look at them, there's like cartoon hearts going up in the sky y'know

#

Girlfriends in general

#

Nice to have this little pretty thing beside you just murmuring lovey dovey things in your ear like bla la la LOL

#

All their cute accessories and clothing they look like dolls kinduh

#

Got a cotton candy mint in my mouth and zero ultra white monster energy drink

#

I show up to my school 4 hours early, lol

#

because I used to be late everyday

#

Sometimes I'll smoke a cig with my friend Damien who also shows up early

#

Or I just wait for my friend group from school to pull up

#

I don't do that often but if it's offered ill take

#

But yeah there's lots of passion and enthusiasm in my relationship

#

Thanks for the 16 hearts

frank ledge Oct 8, 2025, 7:55 PM

#

Wednesday Oct 8
So I had a disagreement with my girl
I need someone to tell me if this is toxic or nah
So, Raya my girlfriend said she doesn't want me to be friends with other women
I'm not allowed to be in platonic friendships with ANY OTHER girl. Is this normal?
She said, "No other woman would be okay with that."

#

I told her that's stemmed from jealousy and distrust.
Mannn
🙄

feral nacelle Oct 9, 2025, 3:39 AM

#

frank ledge __Wednesday Oct 8__ So I had a disagreement with my girl I need someone to tell ...

Girls are naturally Jealous creatures (so are men to some degree), so when they see you with another woman they feel like that relationship will grow to be romantic

#

but honestly it's all up to you

frank ledge Oct 9, 2025, 4:12 AM

#

I told her I'll respect it
Just wanna make my girl happy
It's a deal breaker for her

#

It just turned midnight and I'm feeling tireder than usual
I had an outburst of anger on a phone call with my gf on the other line. She uhh, sorta, demands a phone call from me every time I get home from my school right away, I try to make her a priority. That means pushing other priorities out of the way to get to each other's voices.
She noticed by my voice that I was upset off the bat.. and I hadn't even said anything, just sorta was out of it a few seconds in. Like she can read me well. It was about general stresses in my life. How I've been feeling apathetic and uninterested, under rewarded in some work I've been putting in, just trying to stay afloat in the everyday and being on top of things. That was probably the angriest she's ever seen me yet, I mean I was yelling so loud over the phone while ranting to her that she couldn't even slip a word in. The call ended shortly after that, because she had gone to get food.. then we called again at a later time during the night and she said she wanted to make me happy with all she could.
She said she wants to spend more quality time with me, and be less squeezed in her bedroom of her place, and more of doing something with me.
Raya recently shared with me that she hasn't been feeling like herself, or that she's felt like she lost herself -- secretly I've been feeling the same exact way and her and I both know why but won't admit it to each other. A loss of self identity, less in touch with our souls, yeah, I'm glad she said that to me because it made me feel comfortable to say the same.
As her and I both sober and heal up, I feel a confusion in myself, of the relationship I'm in. It hits me that I've been dating a woman that's 44 years old, double my age, for around 5 months now. For a few seconds, I could hear the age difference between the voice of her and I, a much more aged lady, and I mean, the same type of raspy or croaky voice that you'd hear from a person who's getting old in age.

frank ledge Oct 9, 2025, 4:28 AM

#

Sometimes the words prey and predator come to my mind and I try to brush the thought off that's fleeting. It's hard to not notice our age difference sometimes, and as I try to find it endearing or charming there is feelings I have of negativity towards it. Like... This woman's old enough to be my mom, I question how she can "love" me, form such a deep and intimate relationship with me, just like how she would with someone her own age, how simply can you, when she doesn't even know half of me yet. When she doesn't know half of my life yet. Does she know who I'll be in my 30s? I don't know. There will be a time she won't be able to walk as easily as I do, where she will get frailer, and most of her head will be silver. It's like... CAN you even know me at that age? How do I know her? That's my confusion. I don't know. Maybe that's okay though, that I am all that I am in this current stage of my life and she accepts that.

#

Y'know like... I sound younger than her voice. Mine has a LIVELIER tone, it's naturally more upbeat, ?consistent? Firm, it has more EXPRESSION, EMOTION, ANIMATION, than this older gals vocals can produce.

#

Even though mine is deeper than hers with lower bass, you can even see the age in our voices

#

I don't know why but that stood out to me when I was venting so angrily towards her on the phone.

#

I also had felt a gap in her life and mine. That she didn't understand how much I cared about certain things because her time for that has passed already. How can you relate at all? She doesn't. She can't. Even though she's lived it. But my ex girlfriends who were around my age could. They could relate and FEEL my words more.

#

I was sorta hoping, that phone call would end sooner than she was expecting. Because she's asking for those all the time. Sometimes I need time to myself after I'm back from my school, I need time to do shit, instead I'm stepping out to call her because she craves this constant closeness. Remember when I said I told Raya about anxious attachment styles? Yeah. I don't know. She seems like she gets attachment anxiety.

#

Like there you go... That's why I don't wanna HAVE to call each time you also want to. I pick up and I'm in a bad mood.

#

And it's about pretty serious stuff. Like.. a while ago, I got in trouble with the law. It was just related to criminal activity involving past schools, and that stuff still FOLLOWS ME till this day. I worry about it. I've been dwelling on it. Something that can shape your future.

#

I've noticed at school, teachers have been getting suspicious of me. They've been coming close to me. I've vented about before how some employees there get physically close to me as a means to try and box me in places or intimidate me through body language, giving me smaller space to move around. They take good looks at me. I can feel myself being watched by them more than the average student, and my school is already for bad ones. One of my teachers pulled me out of class and pointed out that I was stoned, and I lied about it, saying I wasn't -- and no the criminal shit I did in the past isn't related to substances. I'm a liar amongst the staff at my school, that's how they see me, my rep to them, someone untrustworthy. But theres people doing worse stuff. Like yeah, so what if I am a little high? Whatever. She needs to be too. You ain't paid enough don't lie to me. Pulling me out and shit. She said I didn't seem like myself. That was annoying, and she was pressing me over it. I didn't like it. I don't like her. I shouldn't have gotten that high off some random girls dab pen during the break anyway.

#

I hate how my teacher called that out and made a scene in front of my whole class about it. Oh look at him. That student, stoned, how sleazy, and wrong is that. A bad example. Like screw you. Mind your fucking business. I do what I want, and still get these bullshit handouts done

#

I'm actually the least of their worries. I don't do nothing. Other than that. I had another phone call earlier in the day during a break and Raya heard girls voices in the background talking to me and she got jealous, told me I'm not allowed to speak to them or have them as friends

#

Like whatever girlfriend, isolate me all you want because of your own jealousy, this is some Trina level possessiveness

#

Speaking of Trina... My ex girlfriend... She's around 24-25... I think.

#

Blonde hair, blue eyes, anyways... Yeah.
I'm missing my ex girlfriend, Trina
I know that's not good, but I'm a person, I miss people, who they were to me.
If my current gf Raya heard that, she would be angry, and argue with me about it, and get quickly very insecure

#

I remember how curious I was about her when I first saw her appear at my school. My head had perked up from my usual disinterested slouchedness and introversion, and I spotted a girl taller than the rest, with this long blonde hair that stood out in the wind, she was wearing all black on a hot day, with a chain attached to the loophole of her jeans. My eyes had immediately widened at the sight of her, maybe gleamed a bit, haha. I was big eyed, yeah. I knew I had to meet her. So... I took steps to making that happen. I saw someone and I wanted them. I have my ways. I had recognized quickly her loud and aggressive personality, the attitude, wow, scared some people off for sure but not me. When I started showing interest in her, her eyes begun to light up at the sight of me too. She had a drinking problem at that time, and an issue with... a drug I'm not allowed to mention. Liked a lot of coca cola if you catch my drift.

#

I remember how I showed care in Trinity made her start caring more about herself, and her own life. I may have mentioned, Trinas had very bad depression in the past and issues with suicidality. She would talk about suicidal ideations everywhere, and say a lot of self deprecating stuff. She struggled with her physical hygiene too but I saw past it, quite a beautiful girl. After I showed her some care, she dropped out of school and went to therapy and her mental health improved greatly.
I don't know but I then noticed that... I had showed up in Trina's life when she was very depressed and in a terrible spot. I made her better and she had said that to me. Very sensitive too despite her low tolerance for life and everyone around her.
She looked like you had pulled her out of a rock and roll music video or something. She looked like she didn't come from here almost. Completely standing out from the crowd.

#

I then look at Trina now and she's... healthier. I remember how low she was when I met her. I recognize her differently. She's definitely the type of beauty you gawk at, hard not to stare, but you can tell she doesn't feel that way about herself. She was usually seen with a frown on her face, tense brows that were raised causing more wrinkles for herself. How sick she was when I came towards her versus now is what I'm thinking about. To be there for someone like that at a lower point in their life. I somehow still feel connected to her. Like I can feel her energy. Despite how... She seems to hate me, in a, "I don't want to like/love you but I do." In all of her infatuation... obsession... and I mean I see why she got a bit obsessed with me. I told her every right word whenever she needed them, and taught her how to compliment herself, showed her how someone else loving you can make you love yourself more too.

#

The relationship Trinity and I had was a lot more wholesome. Safer. Healthier, actually. Than me and this 44 year old lady... I mean, hell, Raya makes Trina look like a saint.

#

Trina and I are a lot more at a similar place in life with experience and age... but I chose a relationship with a woman named Raya who is more like a fever-dream, and a dying dream on top of that. I'm sick with her... and sick enough to be with her... getting sicker as days go on. It's like when you get a fever and you feel high, you're hallucinating a bit, the grounds moving, you're sleepy and not all there, you're laughing your ass off and unafraid of dying.

#

Trinas also older than me, but just enough older to where she can look down on me in age and care for me in a way where she'll call me a kid. Like you're too young to go through certain types of shit way. And so is she.

#

As I watch Trina get healthier from afar, she's watching the opposite happen to me. I know she's messaging her boyfriend, "Jake doesn't look well. He looks super skinny. He looked better before. Why are his eyes hollowed out like that. I doubt he's sober. Whatever he's doing, stay alive."

#

Despite Trinas emotional sensitivity I can tell she has a shallowness to her that I can almost see in myself too. Im unsure if I could describe what I mean further than that. Yeah. A shallowness. Not that I'm not deep, I am in my own ways.

#

I honestly can't even believe my own self cutting both Trina and Jasmine off. That "C" girl has made me into the cold bastard that I am today. She did that first to me. Now I am doing it to other people.

#

I love how this older lady Raya, my girlfriend, is starting to notice how she is in fact losing herself too to the poison she has been giving to the both of us. Like finally. Hello, yes, I can finally uhh.. see this very young soul in the form of a good-looking vampire. Nice for you to come back to earth with me, Raya. Oh wow. 5 months. Okay. So what's your favorite color again? Purple, right.

#

It's like meeting this girl over again after that... emotional sexual bender we had -- anyway. Uh.
Whenever I meet up with Raya, her mental state is almost always a mystery to me. I have to sus out how she's feeling to make sure she doesn't endanger me for the day, hahaha. Miss dangerous. Yep.

#

She pulls up to my house to give me a ride per usu' and I lean down to look at her through the passenger window. Neutral stare into her eyes. Examines face, thoroughly... Watches as she takes a sip long enough for me to count seconds before the straw of her store bought coffee to reach her lips, her eyes flickering towards me in anticipation of a greeting. This and that.

#

Now if this was a girl around my age, I wouldn't have to do all that shit. I would just get in the fucking car. Haha

#

What I described above really is just discernment, or discerning of somebody

#

Not gonna lie, sometimes I DO sexualize her toxic traits. What am I supposed to do? She's like that no matter what I do. She won't change, she's 44, she's always been these ways. That's something about this girl. Can't change this one, nope. She just comes this way.

#

I remember texting and saying her possessiveness was hot today. I know she was giggling behind that screen when her eyes landed on that. I like how easily Raya understands my humor and cheekiness, with her age comes a mental quickness that many younger girls haven't really developed yet.

#

Not that you have to be mentally fast to get that. But it's towards other stuff I do. She sees so much that I do. All my body language and facial expressions I make. Just because she's known people in general for longer than girls my age. She's SEEN PEOPLE. Y'know? She's been around.

#

And I love how well she sees me.

#

The uh.. "you're not allowed to have any girls as friends!" That possessiveness, I suppose. I don't like that, no. Not at all, but I'll respect it because it's a deal breaker.

#

"no woman would ever allow that." Really? You're a woman? Not a hedonistic demon sent from hell to test me to my limits until your habits kill me and you both at once? Okay.

#

I don't know, what can a guy do, oh no, that's toxic... oh no... this relationship is so bad for me.. oh no, gah. Save me... somebody please...
Y'know?

#

It's like when a woman accidentally steps on your foot when she's wearing heels, it hurts and you hope she does it again

#

I remember when she was going like 170 on a highway when I was high off a blunt
Rolling on the floor fucking laughing as that memory pops up in my brain

#

That same day she was still angry about me bringing up a guy she was checking out before we dated
And I mean my eyes were so red I was manually breathing at that fucking point
Like oh I see why you wanted me this high to do this shit

#

FINGERS CURLED AROUND THE SIDES OF THE CAR AS I LOOK UP TO THE CEILING OF THE VEHICLE

#

LOL

#

EVERY WINDOW DOWN WITH MUSIC BLASTING SO LOUD THAT YOU COULDNT HEAR A WORD IF YOU SPOKE 1

#

SHITS LIKE BOARDING A FUCKING PLANE, "I hope this doesn't crash..." EXCEPT PLANES ARE EVEN SAFER

#

I BET THIS LADY COULD TURN A VEHICLE UPSIDE DOWN IF SHE WANTED TO WHILE DRIVING IT LMAO

#

I remember telling Raya that no other guy around my age would want to be with her and that they simply REQUIRE a level of ROUGHNESS to even reckon with her...

#

Like why every guy you checking out at our school reporting you to the staff shawty

#

They're not sociopathic like this that's why

#

I could literally FEEL my aunt and uncles perceptions of me shift and change after I told them I was dating Raya this 44 year old edgy broad and not in a good way

#

In the "youre a tad mentally ill twisted weird" way is how my parent figures looked at me

#

Not the best feeling, no, but whatever, I should probably value my family more. Interesting how Raya brought up to me, "I'm taking you don't value your family or parents much Jake." And uhh... She was definitely talking about how I lie to them and don't listen to them, parts, and that leads to the conclusion of me not valuing them like I should I suppose

#

I could tell even Raya herself values her family way more than I value mine

#

And I realize the regular normal people simply cannot do what I do. They can't lie and have a numbed guilty conscience, they can't be in pain and not show it, they can't hurt themselves and enjoy it. And I am messed up in those ways, and my family is catching onto that more and more as the years fly by, Raya being in my life has accelerated their ability to pick up on that in me, which is what I try to hide, or not show, because it's uncharming to most, it's scary, it's reckless, problematic

#

When my family will go, I'll think about how much I wished I was more honest towards them. Because all of these bad traits comes with, not being able or allowed to connect to my own family. I wear a different face around them that's a lot more healthier and socially acceptable/adequate, it's about being enough for them too, and being someone they want to recognize, whatever, everyone's an actor in every place of life, I have a role to play and that is being a son too, maybe not the best one in the world but nobody's perfect

#

and I don't like to compare myself to anyone, no, but when I look at Jasmine... How is this chick SOMEHOW more moral than me in obvious areas. And she tried to kill somebody by flame throwing them. Didn't know she had such good in her, wow, it's separated us.

#

and my crazy dumbness has separated myself from many. It's like a curse. I'm sure most of you are on the opposite end of me, you have all cut off someone in your lives that was too reckless, who were hurting themselves in some way, who was doing crime, wrapped in bad behaviors that either made you look bad to be around or made you feel too bad to involve yourself with anymore, and that's fine, that's normal

#

Can't help but miss Jasmine too. Loved tripping over her 4 inch wedges in her small ass duplex and almost breaking my neck in the process, and her homicidal dogs that would try to jump me together.

#

Those dogs were something else. They both had muzzles I'm not kidding. Of course her family adopted those little shits. Craziness all over that place. They'd scratch at Jasmines door and run into it, they'd hide under her bed if they got in hoping they can steal more of her attention from me as the person coming over. I remember I'd have to hold them in place sometimes or pick them up by the collar so that they don't cause trouble. So funny.

#

It's like if they can handle Jasmine as their kid they could handle those dogs too. I mean I can't tell which kid is worse.

#

She's also asian so it makes sense why her ceilings are too short for me. In some Asian households you have to like, bow, upon entree, but when you're me in a house that's too small for you, I was just bowing all the way through because I simply just didn't fit there

#

That's a joke by the way but yeah

#

If I would've spent five more years navigating that duplex I'd need a fucking neck brace to keep myself in regular shape

#

Those dogs would dive themselves into your fucking mouth I swear to god like hella needy for love

#

They would be climbing me like a tree on some expereinced rock climbing shit

#

Jumping from one knee off the other off a hip onto the chest onto a shoulder trying to lick at my face

#

Fucking crazy I'm telling you

#

I didn't know those things came with wings

#

WARNING: DOGS THAT FLY

#

I'm also noticing both Jasmine and Trinity are not showing up to school like at all this semester because theyre probably busy gossiping about me behind the scenes and Jasmines definitely at the clerb or at the local pub getting sent 8 pack of shots by men that are in their late 30s wondering if they could get a chance with that

#

I miss having to do the fucking back bend to dodge all the sketchy men approaching me and her so that they don't lay a singular finger on me because why the fuck do you think you can touch me for
BACK THE FUCK UP. IM DOING THE LIMBO, MIGHT CATCH AN ELBOW TO THE FACE OLDMAN

#

I'd be doing backflips trying to avoid being patted on the shoulder by these losers checking Jasmine out and trying to figure out who I am to her

#

Literally vaulting over the fucking billiard tables and cartwheeling over the tables to remain untouched

#

Kidding but LOL YOU GET WHAT IM SAYING FUCKING CREEPY ASS MEN ALL OVER THOSE PLACES

#

You can tell Jasmine was born a little mmm different because her mother had her at 18 years old, she has a hard blink alike tics or tourettes and you can tell she can't control her facial expressions well at all, completely unfiltered

#

I love how men would text Jasmine on her cell phone at the bar, "WHO IS THAT GUY, DITCH HIM, NOW, DITCH HIM." when she'd go with me HAHAHA AND SHE WOULD SHOW ME EVERY TIME

#

LIKE NUHUH I DONT THINK SO

#

STICKS OUT TONGUE CRAZILY

#

THIS MY GALFRAND YOURE NOT TOUCHING ER IM PROTECTING HER

#

ID BE POINTING THE POOL CUE OUTWARDS LIKE A FENCING SWORD TO KEEP THE CREEPY OLD MEN BACK

#

BACK, BACK I SAID

#

Yeah, that chick was fun

#

My girlfriend brings me to these sketchy ass bars instead where there's more of gangs that hang out there and you gotta watch your ass in a different way

#

Other than the row of older women that are seated there that are definitely bored mob wives off 5 tins of beer each whistling at me trying to get me to crack a joke that I simply couldn't make even if it meant to save my own life

#

I remember standing there and beginning to sway side to side and slowly widen my eyes to look crazier and mental so they leave me alone

#

Boutta bust out a nursery rhyme or two

#

But yeah my girlfriend she's a real nut case on the loose

#

I don't know if speaking about weed or alcohol is like allowed in these forum posts so if you let me know that I'm not then I won't talk about it anymore

#

But anyway I find it concerning when I look at Raya from an outside perspective and wonder why she gets along so well with a younger guy like myself at her age

#

and it's obvious part of her nature is, a manipulativeness. I know she's thought of me as hmmm... Influential... Easy to drag around...

#

I don't think it's normal to be able to point out manipulation and be fine with it either I'm sorry but if a girl is pretty enough she can manipulate me all she wants

#

Yesss hurt me so good

#

Aghh she makes my heart burn

#

Makes me go up in flames how she makes me a victim of all her unstable antics

#

This guy thinks he's invincible doesn't he

#

I don't know a little bit

#

Just a bit

#

Every bored man wants a woman to tear their life up okay I'm not the only one

#

It's been hard to sleep recently

#

It does hurt me, I think, slightly, maybe, that she wants to take some of my health away. Like weaken me. That makes me easier to hmm... control. I am dealing with an unwell lady here

#

The unwell lady in speaking leaves lipstick stains on me what can I say

#

Trina looks like an angel in comparison to this woman

#

They say the devil is not a man with flaming horns and a tail but it may be my girlfriend in high heels and leopard print

#

Such a racy girl

#

The looks her and I get in public are truly something fucking else

#

I get guys ask me all sorts of shit LOL

#

As you can see, what many would be in mental anguish about, I am numb to sometimes. And I am in pain too at times, but if only I could feel it a bit more, feel it enough to recognize this girl isn't good for me so I could leave her.
But I don't feel it enough. I think that's a problem. But how can something that you don't feel be a problem?

#

Everyone's always talking about, they hate how much they feel emotionally all the time, it's too much, it's overwhelming, but sometimes,
It's not about what you do feel, it's about what you don't feel. And that's my issue there.

#

Too much, and not enough, are on opposite ends of the spectrum/balance

#

Rayas noticed that about me, and will take full advantage of that trait, but in her eyes it's seen as being tough, being rough. Is it though? Or is it just... Being mentally deficient. Having a lack of. Missing a puzzle piece or two.

#

How can someone talk about how another person is hurting them and be so okay with it

#

I question myself and I know I'm mentally out of it

#

My heads always been at an alone and desolate place

#

Not so much there, with other people and what they say or do, but further away

#

I'm surprised my girlfriend Raya hasn't caught onto how mentally blanked out I am, casually, in my everyday, around other people. Or maybe she has but has said nothing. Trina and Jasmine both pointed that out in me, and laughed, hard, about it.

#

Zaina pointed that out in me too. "It kinda feels like there's a barrier, between you and everyone else, between me too, like you're hard to get through, your eyes are so distant." Shrug.

#

Yeah, mental illness. You can see it on my face sometimes

#

Not completely invisible for me, no. My face or eyes at times gives hints of it, glimpses

#

Type of guy you wave your hand in front of his face to make sure he's still there

#

But yeah my girlfriend Raya has made me her own personal science experiment behind the scenes in ways

#

WHAT WILL THIS CHEMICAL DO TO HIM I WONDER

#

THE 6 ENERGY DRINKS WE ARE DRINKING A DAY ARE THEY DOING ANYTHING TO YOU

#

HOW ABOUT THE 4 COFFEES TO GO WITH LOL

#

Yep

frank ledge Oct 9, 2025, 7:08 AM

#

All these girls making my head spin

#

and stay up at night

frank ledge Oct 11, 2025, 5:59 AM

#

It's Saturday October 11 and I decided to stay home instead of going out to see my gf Raya

#

Feeling sick ngl

#

Not just of the relationship of her and I but physically too

#

She's been worrying more about us

#

Raya my 44 year old gf said that I'm not allowed to make any friends who are girls
I argued it, and fought for it
I told her it's jealous and toxic
I tried to romanticize it
But I couldn't
As the day went on I felt just heaviness that kept increasing and weighing heavier on me
By the end of the day I vented to some friends, and they got mad at me, they said they're gonna stop feeling bad for me, and that I don't listen at all, and they seemed a bit mad at me.

#

I feel sadness and suddenly I feel unhappy. With my girlfriend, and what she wants

#

Everyone keeps telling me to break up with her. I don't know how to.

#

She said, "I feel like I'm losing you." And she probably feels that way because my wishes are different, to be able to have some friends who are more of like sisters to me. I just don't get it.

#

I feel like I'm in uhhh... Anguish? Maybe

#

Raya told me she's insecure, at least she's self aware. No matter how much I tried to reassure her, she still feels those ways. "If you make any friends who are girls, we can't be together."

#

"because they're ONLY looking at you for 1 thing." And I knew that wasn't right, it wasn't correct. Something about her saying that almost felt immature.

#

It's like being told, all you can be seen as, is in a sexual lens instead of just... being seen as who you are, for other traits like being funny for example.

#

Her pushing for this "boundary" has overall been adding to my feeling of unwellness. My friends reacting negatively to my ranting made me feel sad too tonight, I cried

frank ledge Oct 13, 2025, 3:14 AM

#

Thanks for 18 hearts

#

It's Sunday October 12 and

#

All I want is to feel alive

#

But everything that does that just brings me closer to death

#

Well I had quite the 18+ weekend with my girl

#

To say the least

#

Sometimes I can't even reread my own journal entries I get too embarrassed at the thought of what I've written before

#

WHATS IN THE PAST IS LEFT IN THE PAST

#

It's 11 PM and I'm dead tired

#

I don't know. I watch a few horror movies with Raya. Her and I have something to drink. Well, mostly me. Actually. Room was getting spinny, woo. I stumbled into the walls and furniture a few times. I remember tripping and falling right onto her bed too.

#

Clumsy I guess. I remember when I was let into Raya's apartment, there was already a chair fallen over on the floor. She's a messy girl

#

I barely remember anything that went on that night. I forget many nights with my girlfriend Raya, it's not that they weren't memorable but that I just can't remember what her and I did even though I know it was... good, I'm guessing. Haha

#

Do I have to remember? It would be nice to, but I didn't have the best memory coming into a relationship with her before anyway

#

Mm

frank ledge Oct 14, 2025, 9:52 AM

#

Goddd

#

It's tuesday Oct 14 at 6... In the morning

#

I think I've officially lost my mind

#

Feeling like I'm freezing nowadays as in my temperature

#

Just slid a hoodie on

#

Trying to find warmth or comfort

#

Sometimes I'm so cold it feels like my skins burning

#

This relationship of me and this woman is so odd and I am talking about Raya

#

I know deep down that it doesn't matter how you articulate things, how you think of it, it only matters how it makes you feel.

#

Her and I together doesn't make me feel the greatest

#

In fact it makes me feel very sad to think about at times

#

It feels like I'm doing something wrong, to be with her because she's much older than me

#

It feels like I'm taking advantage of her too

#

Like all the stuff that people would say she's doing to me that's wrong aren't I doing the same back to her

#

I entered her life and she was much sicker than me

#

Like this is a person that doesn't think as clearly you can tell

#

I'm starting to feel so bad

#

On monday Oct 13 Raya came over to my neighborhood and met me at a park that was near my place to return to me something that I had forgotten with her the day before

#

My heart don't feel good

#

Physically and mentally

#

I was easily angered and irritable for the past day because I had forgotten this, thing

#

She started smoking again and it was ever since her and I went out to dance at the club and I wonder why

#

I don't know how much longer I'll feel this empty inside but when you do things that are bad for you it's hard to keep going until you've finally had enough

#

I didn't get a full night of sleep tonight

#

You know it's weird how I can hear Raya's heart through her chest that ticks like a clock

#

That's how much you can hear it

#

This is so unromantic

#

Listen I ain't no damn doctor but that can't be healthy

#

You can literally hear a TICKING to her heart like something running out of time

#

When you put your ear to her chest

#

But I know what it's like to have smoking habits that no one likes to smell off of you

#

This girl showing up to my neighborhood made me feel vulnerable as hell I can't even lie

#

Like why are we a block away from my house right now what're you about to do to me LOL

#

Whenever I'm with her I constantly try to grasp how tall her and I are in comparison

#

Because she is a tall lady like she is not small length wise

#

But she's small in width or thickness

#

I got more of those than her

#

Idk why but seeing her at times is freaking creepy man

#

Like why you in this pitch black scenery right now at your old ass age at 44 bringing me to the darkest part of this park

#

If she killed me idk, might enjoy it just a little bit

#

It'd be too bad still

#

Hopefully she isn't thinking of taking one of my eyes out or breaking me so that I'll remember her forever

#

She gives me the creeps but anyways

#

Lady-creep

#

Freaking block down from my place, could toss me down a hill and I'll never be found again promise you

#

Crazy how her and I are 5 months into a relationship and I ask myself if she's gonna kill me at times because she's that scary

#

Ok moving on

#

Recently I've felt, "dumb" for allowing Raya to do something to me

#

Well you all know how I like acting or theatre and that means roleplay cause I've gone to schools for it. My girlfriend's been getting into that a bit, and I've let her put handcuffs on me

#

Told her don't swallow that key

#

I've trusted her with that because umm like that there is a lot less I can do.

#

I could still defend myself if she were to use that for something bad but still

#

Visibly gulps

#

ANYWAYS LOL

#

I bet I will in fact be slightly more messed up after being in a relationship with this woman but not that much

#

I already am to just be with her and that essence is something I simply could never shake

#

Like you are one crazy bat lady

#

I am so lost in my life for being with her

#

So lost

#

I've had a loss of identity and even she's told me she doesn't know who she is anymore

#

Like where will my inherent craziness lead me to in life, I sometimes think I need therapy

#

I bet if Trina looked at what I was doing I'd know exactly what she would say, it wouldn't be nice

lyric parcel Oct 14, 2025, 8:50 PM

#

I have only 1 piece of advice for you

#

STOP DATING AND GET MARRIED.

#

You shouldn't think about those people whom you left long back

#

And try to stay away from people that have history in bad things like alcohol or criminal records

#

Or a mental disorder

#

Try to find a normal person you can be with

#

Not too young

#

Or too old

#

Doesn't have that much lust

#

Or is too innocent

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 12:06 AM

#

MARRIAGE?!? IM 22.

#

THATS FOR THE LATE 30S

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 12:15 AM

#

lyric parcel And try to stay away from people that have history in bad things like alcohol or...

Good advice but what if I do that too, how do I escape myself

#

I just can't change

#

I love the crazy I'm sorry

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 3:43 AM

#

Soo uhh

#

It's Tuesday October 14 and I hadn't called my girlfriend during my school break. I was doing something else. Socializing, having my own life, anyway.
She seemed upset at it. "You didn't call me during your break." Followed by tense silence... Like she was angry at me and wanted me to feel a type of way about it. Sometimes I take this as overly clingy, and too attached, I need my own space sometimes, y'know?
So.. my response to it over the phone call was just, I bursted out into laughter. I mean I couldn't let her have this expectation, I need my own time to myself. So I'm laughing my ass off, nonstop, and she stops, she doesn't know what to say, she takes that I'm in a good mood and we move onto the next topic. I wondered how she would react to me like that, yeah, it was an honest first response

#

I guess I found it funny because, I gotta choose me sometimes, sorry, I don't owe her any of my time. That's why I laughed.

#

I mean, I was losing it at that. Why don't I spend every second of my time with her on top of that? Why don't I drop out of school so I can ALWAYS be with her. Y'know. It's that sort of thing.

#

My girls like trying to guilt trip me there into having not called her because she's hella clingy, but I ain't letting it happen. I played it off by saying... Uh yeah I'm laughing because it's cute or whatever, that she wants me.

#

Because I can KINDA TELL, that it's hmm.. from the nature of my girlfriend who is a tiny bit manipulative around the edges. So what. I like edgy women what can I say, and yeahhh it was like that though. She can be possessive, she doesn't even want me to have friends that are girls, if I'm socializing with others that aren't her she feels a type of way

#

I bet Raya knows, that I know, that she's manipulative towards me to get whatever she wants, but doesn't care, because neither do I, no. Just gotta accept that she is this way and a lot of it is fueled by her own emotions, or infatuation, possessiveness, right those feelings can make some people manipulative at times or even.. "selfish"

#

I don't know why but I just indulge in anything and everything that ruins me for fun, stuff that's bad for me, including this lady

#

I sort of love how my umm laugh, shook my girlfriend up, to where she didn't continue that conversation

#

Godddd

#

This relationship is killing me slowly

#

Why does her and my age have to be wrong even though it's legal

#

She WILL BE brought up in my upcoming therapy sessions

#

Will I need a restraining order in the end? I don't know

#

I am thinking of all the worst possible case scenarios of her and I breaking up

#

No regrets honestly

#

I'd do it all again

#

Everything

#

I need a cig

#

I'm gonna start stealing my girlfriend's instead of breaking hers in half

#

Like I see why she be smoking those LOL ANYWAYS

#

I do not condone smoking ok

#

I can't believe I broke off two good friends because of Raya, a 44 year old woman who's been lost in life ever since she came onto earth, her substance issues has controlled her outcomes of life, both her young looks and behaviors are criminal

#

That C girl was a true loss

#

Such a prassy thang

#

Too good for me

#

I bet I'd be a completely different person if the C girl was still in my life. Like an actual good guy that would still be in touch with reality

#

I think I see that woman in public and I stop breathing altogether and as I'm midway through heart attack I realize it isn't her and just a look-alike

#

That's happened to me multiple times

#

I swear I've hallucinated her before

#

But I'm so positive that she actually visited my low end, crappy, ghetto school. And when she saw me, she ran from me. Probably in surprise, that she actually bumped into me.

#

She left that school, so fast. I can't. I just... Can't. Like really.

#

I couldn't even keep up, I had to ask one of the chill security managers to check whether or not she enrolled. He said she enrolled in a different one that same week. I was going crazy. I had to step out of class for a bit

#

What was I gonna do? Run after her? Hell no.

#

I bet her voice sounds a bit different, more mature and older. Maybe she's a few inches taller too. She'll have life in her face that I wasn't able to watch her grow into.

#

All because... I got expulsions, and in legal troubles, and was separated from the school she was gonna end up in because of that.
I know she didn't expect me to end up at the school I'm at right now, for so long. She was hoping I'd leave it earlier, or have more... qualifications. For such a long time, bet she saw me as a lowlife that lost his head.

#

When I was in highschool I could at times see worry on C's face, with the stuff I'd be doing, she disapproved of it and her and I drifted in a dramatic passive aggressive way, that's how she acted I mean

#

I bet C has wanted to see me, but now she's unsure if she ever will. I told her I'll make it to her college, that id be there in the future, but who knows when she's graduating, if she's even at that school anymore, I don't. I lost complete access to her years ago, but I still think about her sometimes. She was my love on a wire once upon a time

#

Like yeah, nice social network she has of friends, she's "somebody" she would call herself, in comparison to a "nobody" that she called me

#

A more sophisticated person, a preppy pin-up artist, I bet she will somehow end up being a nation wide successful fashion designer because that's how thirsty she is for fame and attention

#

I remember C would show possessiveness towards me throughout years and deny that her and I were together. Like wdym we are just friends, you don't allow me to have ANY of them. Not even friends with other guys. Not girls, nope, none. The jealousy was worser than Trina. Makes me laugh a bit to look back on. Like wow. She was really into me like that back then. She didn't even know how much she liked me, it was just a feeling she was showing. She would turn away from me and glare at me if I did make any other friends.

#

But when I think of this C girl nowadays, it's mostly good things. I hate to focus on the bad parts of her. I really do. Because I know deep down shes just another good person. Everything was good between her and I until I messed myself up and got into bad habits.

#

I'd go back to C in a heartbeat, I'm not even playing. I'd probably do anything for her if she asked. Her first tattoo she ever got was related to me...

#

What I loved about C so much was how she was spiritual... and witchy I guess. She plays with tarot cards, has a pendulum, casts her spells, magick. I believe in some of that.. yeah. Respect to all the pagans out there

#

It's like I could see her energy and her soul from cities away, even if she was across the world, I can still FEEL her sometimes. Her thoughts.

#

Stuff makes me tear up to think about, and I only remember the version of her that was... years ago. Not even who she is anymore, but I bet it's not far off from what I can assume and pinpoint

#

I told her I was gonna end up in the crappy college that I got into, because I was failing, I was being suspended, I was mentally unwell

#

So she knows where I am... I've been here, for years

#

I bet she can feel my sorrows and struggle from here, but I know she's also looked down on me a bit. Like I'm not all that much, like I'm not worth it, because I'm not even where she's at in life

#

and I bet C has found a way, to look at me from afar and have me not catch sight of her at all. Because women do that to me all the time, like she doesn't want me to see her... and I don't even know why. I couldn't find a reason for that. That's why I saw her, walk out of my college fast as she possibly could when she walked past me, and I only caught a glimpse of her back to me

#

...Radiohead type night

#

When you lose the eccentric art school red nails doc marten leather jacket 1960s styled baddie that you've known since you were a kid

#

I'm scratching and tearing down the walls at the thought of her

#

All of my intense emotions stuck and frozen in time, locked, in my heart, for her, for a girl that can't care about me anymore, that wont care to come and find me, the lost soul she once saw as a second self

#

I've thought about doing crazy things years ago when she cut me off like showing up to her house and spray painting her windows or cars. I dreamt, of some sort of get back, to leave my pain on her assets, but I never did. I knew I couldn't do that to her. Or else I'd really never be able to see her ever again if I did. If I did, I would have written, "FAKE" maybe "SHALLOW" make poetry out of it, oh C how you've left me hollow, now you haunt me forever

#

Wouldn't be who I am if I never met that girl

#

The anger issue therapy I needed for years after the relationship was over

#

You see I'd have to get in contact with her again, to tell her to reverse the HEX and CURSES she has put on me

#

I'm kidding. I bet she's sent me good energy since then and hoped that I am okay.

#

I couldn't even begin to explain where my feelings come from when I talk about this C girl. I was in a very bad place in my life. I was also too, mentally ill for her to stomach. She couldn't handle how... messed up I had gotten because, I had schizophrenia, that was starting to get worse as a teenager growing up. Mental illness that the average adult couldn't confront or knew how to help either.

#

My uhh... first kiss, was a different girl. Her name was Leia. At the end of my last years as a teenager... Leia told me that I became scary. That no one wanted to talk to me, I scared her and everyone away, that I was unpredictable, dangerous, this and that. And they're not wrong to have thought that.

#

I had gotten in contact with this... Leia girl over text years after and told her I got diagnosed with schizophrenia and that's why her and her friends thought of me as that way back in highschool. She told me, "I wonder what you look like now, what clothes you wear, do you have any more piercings-" this and that... and I didn't tell her, I didn't want her to know, I just had said, "You wouldn't recognize me."

#

Leia had some problems back when I knew her. From having raging daddy issues to needing a boyfriend at all times to needing pot everyday... painfully insecure and needing everyone's validation around her. She would be crying about guys in her life everyday, and I was there for her until I just became another one in her book.

#

She was secretly the envious type in the way where she would insult me, way too jealous. Judgmental, whatever. Everyone has their own flaws.

#

I would get in big fights with Leia's friend group. I was a complete reject to her. A misfit in general, I was unappreciated, shunned, ostracized by her friends. Just someone to make fun of, while she forced a smile on her face to seem less mean than them when in reality she was just the same.

#

I remember almost killing, her friends. The friends of them both, Leia and C, because of how much they picked on me. Just the guys, don't worry.

#

and yep I knew them at the same time. Those two. Ahh... The nostalgia

#

I mean, I remember pulling up to Leia's friend group with knives, flashing them, flaunting them, almost put one up to a guys neck who I hated. That same guy I almost put a knife to, I told Leia's entire friend group that I had a dream about shoving him in the trunk of a car and kidnapping him. I'm not even kidding. I was laughing about it, as everybody looked uncomfortable as shit, they had a right to feel that way yeah but they really thought I was gonna grab him and off he goes, y'know?

#

A year before that, I had gotten a school suspension for endangerment of others and possession of a weapon on school property

#

Far as my sophisticated reputation went back then

#

and I had hella suspensions I was a bad freaking kid, for no damn reason, the schizophrenia, y'know? It's hard to be a regular person when you live with that, you're scared to death all the time, and scare other people in the process. A paranoid personality

#

I had a teacher threaten to charge me with embezzlement and theft and they still have HARD-PROOF evidence of that, that could bite back, and get me incarcerated

#

There is a LITERAL TEACHER OUT THERE THAT HAS EVIDENCE THAT CAN PUT ME IN JAIL TILL THIS DAY AND IVE NEVER FORGOTTEN IT

#

I WAS A MENACE BACK THEN I DONT KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING OKAY NO WONDER I ENDED UP IN A CRAPPY COLLEGE WITH OTHER WEIRDOS

#

THIS SAME TEACHER TOLD MY ENTIRE CLASS BACK THEN, "I can use this, and there goes your future. You will never be able to become a lawyer, a doctor, you'll go to jail for months or a year and your life will never be the same."

#

LIKE WHY DO YOU WANNA DO THIS TO ME I WAS JUST A DUMB KID WITH AN UNDIAGNOSED ILLNESS HELP

#

SHE SAID ALL THAT

#

AS THE YEARS FLY BY NOW, I HOPE THAT LADY DIES. I GENUINELY, HOPE, DEATH HITS HER ON A DOORSTEP, SO THAT SHE NEVER DOES USE THAT AGAINST ME LOL. LIKE AGE QUICKER. GET DEMENTIA, FORGET WHAT I DID, LEAVE MY FUTURE ALONE

#

IM SORRY HAHA THATS SO BAD OF ME TO SAY BUT ITS TRUE

#

WHERE CAN I ORDER A HIT AND RUN

#

OK ENOUGH

#

MOVING ON

#

WHERE CAN I HIT UP, 1-800-HITMAN

#

STOP

#

MY CAREER IS ON THE LINE

#

Y'all I'm done

#

I swear

#

This is a joke for legal purposes

#

SOMEONE TAKE OUT MY GRADE 11 SCIENCE TEACHER

#

ANYWRAY

#

I've thought about making a new Instagram account just to get in contact with C and follow her because I'm blocked on my acc I've had since forever

#

Like UNBLOCK ME ITS BEEN YEARS GIRL YOUVE READ ENOUGH TAROT CARDS, YOUVE CHARGED ENOUGH MOLDAVITE, TAKE ME BACK.

#

ALL THIS AMETHYST SHE COLLECTS, WHEN SHE NEEDS TO AMESSAGE ME BACK

#

DO YOU STILL SEE ME IN THE MOON CARD OF YOUR TAROT DECK, PLZ

#

IM A CHANGED MAN I PROMISE

#

If this C girl is still at that college that I will be going into for the next year then I will find my way back into her life

#

I WILL FIND A WAY...

#

WATCH HER APPEAR IN THIS FORUM POST IN A YEAR OR SO

#

MANIFESTING LIKE HELL

#

I HAVE MY WAYS

#

ABOUT TO PUT ON A VISOR AND POLO SHIRT AND SHOW UP TO HER HOME WITH A SHEIN PACKAGE SO SHE OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME

#

HELLO THIS IS THE PIZZA DELIVERY, OPEN UP

#

IM ABOUT TO DRESS UP AS EVERY OCCUPATION IN THE AREA

#

ILL HAVE TWENTY COSTUMES SHES SEEN ME IN BY THE TIME I FINALLY REMEET HER AGAIN

#

This is all a joke I have left this girl alone, swear

#

I am a RESPECTFUL person

#

3 HARASSMENT CHARGES FROM 1 ACTING ACADEMY LATER

#

That woman has taken my soul and I have to get it back

#

I remember when C told me she had a premonition of being married to me and we were both flying down the highway of L.A. on a Harley Davidson nooo

#

WHAT HAPPENED TO US SOULMATE

#

WHERE DID YOU GOOOOO

#

AND WE WERENT EVEN TOGETHER YET

#

I remember when I had hundreds of photos of her... and now I have NONE. NO TRACE OF HER LEFT. I DELETED THEM ALL. BECAUSE THATS HOW GOOD OF A GUY I AM. THATS HOW MUCH I RESPECT HER.

#

I WAS HER ENTIRE CAMERA ROLL TOO, NOW, NOTHING.

#

She was such a wholesome love...

#

It's such a shame

#

How you can love someone's all, and the next day, they're just a stranger

#

Sometimes I feel like she's talking to me in my head, like an auditory hallucination, or maybe telepathic message, who are you now Jake... Why aren't you here yet in this college with me... Are you still causing trouble... anticipating her present thoughts of me drive me mad. What if she isn't thinking about me at all... and that's for the best

#

WHY DID YOU VISIT MY SCHOOL ON A RANDOM DAY AND RUSHED OUT WHEN YOU NOTICED ME FOLLOWING

#

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN WHY

#

It just doesn't make sense

#

I just so happened to be there, at that exact time, and so was she

#

Then she just disappeared, vanished into thin air, I tried to listen for any closed doors, nothing...

#

I wonder if she saw me would she do the same thing again, or glare at me, immediately gather her stuff and walk away, or would she turn to me and give me a smile, pretend to not notice me, she's just a mystery to me now. I wonder if her and I will collide again one day. Severed ties.

#

I'd probably pull some crazy stunt, to get through to her instead of confronting her head on. Like write some letters, have them passed around with the signature of your secret admirer. She would love something like that. But if I ever did see her face to face again I'd try to soften the way I look, maybe bow my head, look down, cross my hands behind my back, because naturally I can look a bit menacing or intimidating, I'd make sure to show her that I'm a gentle person, even in the smallest ways

#

I loved how bright she was, as a person. So out there. The type to go for modeling, to audition to be put on the front of a magazine, the type to believe she can be anything if she gave it her all and put in the steps it'd take. Her and I share that quality in common, determination. Admittedly I've lost some of my ambitiousness along the way but I could get in tune with it, if I need to. Just all these dark years behind me, that's eaten away at my potential, battling mental illness that's often crashing with my brilliance

#

It makes my body feel heavy, to think about how she watched my mental health go, when I was younger as a teenager. Up close. Like she watched my mental issues, come out, the start of it, and who I was before it severely impacted my life and those around me. In the way that you look at someone differently, who changed, who's no longer recognizable to you. Her and I both saw that happen in front of our eyes, and knowing you can do nothing to help it or stop it. I hate how she saw me as a lost cause, and didn't even try. She let her and I, fail.

#

I bet she speaks of me like I'm some sort of urban legend, a myth, I get called an enigma till this day, she's such a protagonist

#

If she was in my life till this day, she would be helping me study, and remind me of what I SHOULD value and see as important in my life all whilst still making life fun...

#

You know C sees me as somewhat, antisocial too. Shes called me every name in the book, a socio, a psycho, before she finally left me to burn to ashes from my own flame. Goes to show she's scared of me, but I could never hurt her

#

It's all just one big fever dream now, what happened back then. It was like a goddamn movie, and still is. I know she looks around and sees a guy once in a blue moon that looks like me for a second and her jaw drops, until he turns and realizes it's not me.

#

I still think to myself, why the hell have neither of us reached out to each other and it's probably out of respect of not wanting to be a bother

#

Its the "mature decision" to have left each other alone for this long until we got a bit older

#

You know when I used to look into C's eyes I'd see me looking right back, like a mirror. Just a girl body. But there was me, in her too. Our minds were synced up like bluetooth

#

Her not allowing me to have any friends... Uhhh... Hello? Girlfriend.

#

Secretly toxic much. She would have me stand beside her or behind her, and barely talk to anyone. OVERLY protective

#

Like heyy shawty I know I threatened to kill all of your friends a few years ago in a psychotic episode but that's the past now I'll do anything to make you happy

#

Her and Leia... LOL

#

She could be found in the depths of a downtown, hunting any contract that will bring her fame. Sigh...

#

A guy lost as me in life can only dream to be found by her, too

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 6:43 AM

#

frank ledge MARRIAGE?!? IM 22.

then don't date yet bro

#

Find a good woman duh

#

someone who loves you truly

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 6:43 AM

#

frank ledge Good advice but what if I do that too, how do I escape myself

and for that

#

Think about ALL the things that can happen if you ever entered those bad things

#

Alchohol?

#

Abuse, you would end up drinking nights inside your house, getting violent and hurting someone

#

Or even lose your job since you were too drunk to work

#

Even get arrested because you got more than the legal limit

#

Your life would be a mess!

#

Crime?

#

Jail.

#

Your life will also be of no use

#

You are still young bro

#

VERY YOUNG.

#

enjoy life before it is too late

#

do NOT focus on people you cannot control

#

Like your girlfriend who's manipulative

#

SHE'S 44?

#

Bro she's 22 years older

#

If you even plan to marry her

#

WHat will you say to your kids?

#

You may end up never having kids or she dies too early

#

Not worth it

#

Half your age?

#

At this point she's considered a groomer

#

Love is something you have to leave

#

It only HARMS you now.

#

Not cares for you

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 9:56 PM

#

lyric parcel someone who loves you truly

If I try to think about what love truly means. I think of what it means to love yourself first too. Prioritizing your needs, treating yourself, making yourself happy, one might say taking care of your health too. I struggle with the last one, to do to myself.
It's hard. People's love all looks different. No one loves the same. So how can I have such an inflexible view on what love truly is?

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 9:57 PM

#

lyric parcel Find a good woman duh

I wouldn't say I'm the best man in the world when it comes to my habits... or even morals, to admit shamefully
I've met good women, and I haven't kept them, I was less compatible

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 9:58 PM

#

lyric parcel Abuse, you would end up drinking nights inside your house, getting violent and h...

Carrying the burden of addictions

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 9:59 PM

#

lyric parcel WHat will you say to your kids?

Her and I aren't having any...
It's obvious to both of us that she's too late and I'm too early...
I mean, I doubt the kids would even be healthy... they'd have problems. Anyone with a common sense of biology would figure that.

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 10:01 PM

#

lyric parcel It only HARMS you now.

You're right but why do I love what harms me, I don't know why. How pain can feel so good. How someone's love for me is wrong but I want it.

#

But you all see through me and my bad habits. That I am a good person, and I deserve good things. That is why you try to help me, and guide me into a different direction. People get tired, of me not listening, of me struggling to care for myself.

#

You're really nice, kid. I just have things wrong with me. Like mental illness.

#

It's nice to see young person, with a head on their shoulders. Interesting how you have a better sense of direction in a love life than me...

#

I also think of it as... If I don't love this woman then who will?

#

Before I even met Raya my current girlfriend... I felt dead inside. Ever since a... psychotic break I had. It changed me forever.

#

She makes me feel alive

#

Searching for feeling must be its own feeling.

#

During that psychotic episode, I became a scary guy. I didn't think anyone in the world had thoughts in their head that was anymore dangerous than what my mind produced. With that being said, I perceive what's fearful or dangerous differently, or maybe my sensory for that is incredibly low or that part of my brain is severely injured and still healing. I already had Asperger's and had low sense of fear that would endanger me. You combine both of those and... You see the extreme I turned out to be.

#

That includes.. "what's bad for me." Ive had issues with empathy in the past. It going from high, to none. It's like jaywalking.

#

I get sad, to think about what's in me that lacks. I get insecure, and it lowers my confidence to mention, because does it mean I'm not as intelligent as others?

#

and yeah some people were born, danger-blind, that fits into autism. In this world some occupations needs people like that. Firefighters, police officers, soldiers, but instead I use this double-edged sword to destroy myself in pleasure of my own pain

#

and then I understand the psychopaths and people who were born with their head on backwards, because you can't just not be these things and change once you've acknowledged your problem, it's how you've always been, and would need to train or teach every single level of your being to act like others, and maybe that would be good and lead you to a life where you are secure, stable, and safe but you'll always inherently miss something that others had since they were born

#

But I don't hurt anyone, not caring about myself or my security has hurt me more

#

I find it so crazy how many people like this forum post and I wonder if it'd kill it when they hear about my illness that is one of the most stigmatized and misunderstood out there and that's psychosis, psycho is in the name

#

I can articulate what's wrong with me but I can't fix it

#

I've surrounded myself with good people in the past and was bored with drool

#

and in their mix, I'm the bad influence

#

and I've recently started to notice that Raya sees me as antisocial too, because she keeps bringing up this, "You want freedom, and you're a rebel, you like what you're not allowed to do" even though she tells me I'm a good guy, and I am, I'm bad to myself
The mention of "freedom" stood out to me, like ok crooks and castles underwear

#

I don't know, are some people just bad, their brains are missing natural highs, their psychology has done a turn around into the opposite lane it's supposed to go down. Love & hate, pain & pleasure, life & death, they're all so close to each other, aren't they ?

#

But I have to say, I have some goddamn personality, okay. One day I'll be a cool uncle, I'll have some beer mixed in with my orange juice at my nephews birthday party, I'll wear rings and chains until I'm old, have sunglasses on at all times so people can't see me stare, have a few wives that I'm still choosing between.

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 11:08 PM

#

frank ledge I also think of it as... If I don't love this woman then who will?

Someone will eventually meet you

#

Man you're so young

#

You have a huge future to go through

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 11:08 PM

#

frank ledge and I've recently started to notice that Raya sees me as antisocial too, because...

Seriously?

#

She told you THAT???

#

Among of all things??

#

Being anti social is OK.

#

Nothing is wrong with it

#

It can also sometimes indicate an intelligent person

#

As they usually avoid socializing since they tend to overthink awkward situations that don't actually happen

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 11:10 PM

#

It's an open ended question if I am but I don't really care to call it that if it is, I'm a very extroverted guy, I'm friendly, I'm kind, the name of it doesn't really resonate

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 11:10 PM

#

frank ledge It's an open ended question if I am but I don't really care to call it that if i...

You are maybe an ambivert

#

A person who is social depending on their mood

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 11:11 PM

#

lyric parcel As they usually avoid socializing since they tend to overthink awkward situation...

My schizophrenia has made me do this lol

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 11:11 PM

#

frank ledge My schizophrenia has made me do this lol

Oh?

#

So you see a lot of hallucinations

#

Right...?

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 11:11 PM

#

Meh

#

It's more than that

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 11:11 PM

#

?!??!?

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 11:13 PM

#

But this isn't about my schizophrenia it's about trying to have a "healthy relationship" with a... um, girl ... ugh... and not be bored out of my mind

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 11:13 PM

#

Mhm

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 11:14 PM

#

So how many exes, RG?

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 11:14 PM

#

You or me?

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 11:14 PM

#

You

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 11:14 PM

#

3

#

The 1st one I had dated was half my age...

#

When I was 9

#

He was 18

#

I didn't really know that age gap was wrong

#

Since Ronaldo also had the same age gap

#

And my parents have 12 years age gap

#

I broke up with him 2 months later

#

I was too young

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 11:16 PM

#

That's absurd and I'm sorry you went through that

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 11:16 PM

#

Yeah

#

I really regret going on the internet sometimes

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 11:16 PM

#

Some of these people who groom, they have very manipulative ways, charm

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 11:16 PM

#

I lost my innocence at a very young age

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 11:16 PM

#

frank ledge Some of these people who groom, they have very manipulative ways, charm

Yes...

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 11:16 PM

#

You and me both

#

They're a lot older than you, so they can appear that way.

#

That they know more, that they have more, that they know better, that they can take care of you

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 11:17 PM

#

The second one was 3 years older

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 11:17 PM

#

frank ledge That they know more, that they have more, that they know better, that they can t...

Yes as most marriages tend to have a big age gap

#

But I was only dating

#

The 3rd one is 15

#

And the one I have rn is 13, was 12 a few months back

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 11:18 PM

#

I can't shake the emptiness of the relationship between me and my current girlfriend, it's like I wanna so badly feel whole with her in my life but she doesn't make me feel complete, it feels like she takes away from me actually. Her and I bond through... what's bad, bad habits.

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 11:18 PM

#

frank ledge I can't shake the emptiness of the relationship between me and my current girlfr...

Do you have any pets

#

Perhaps you could get a dog or bird to accompany you!

#

It's pretty nice having a small companion around you

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 11:19 PM

#

It's not the same, if I dated a woman around my age. The love isn't intimate, deep, or as intense. It's not wholesome. I sometimes like the fear she wants to place in me.

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 11:19 PM

#

frank ledge It's not the same, if I dated a woman around my age. The love isn't intimate, de...

Well

#

Staying away from lust is good for you

#

Love doesn't have to feel empty without that

#

Love is for a person whom you have feelings for, and want to take care of until you grow older

#

To be together

#

Forever

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 11:20 PM

#

And I realized even my 44 year old girlfriend, has a greater capacity for fear than me

#

I have complications with emotions

#

It's not just lust

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 11:21 PM

#

lyric parcel Love is for a person whom you have feelings for, and want to take care of until ...

Oh.. well... I guess I never calculated that or came to that conclusion

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 11:22 PM

#

Mhm

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 11:22 PM

#

Every guy in their early 20s feels invincible

#

Until they fall from a high tower and are humbled after asking themselves all the time, "Could I get any higher?"

lyric parcel Oct 15, 2025, 11:23 PM

#

Do you have a job?

frank ledge Oct 15, 2025, 11:24 PM

#

I sell art, that makes me maybe half what minimum wage does

#

The demons are winning brother

#

My life at the moment doesn't even feel real, everything feels like a movie, or a dream

#

Gfs cawlling..

#

What could this possibly be about

#

'JAAAYKUH... WISH ME GOODNITE... OR ILL GUILT TRIP YEW IF YU DONTTTT...'

frank ledge Oct 16, 2025, 12:08 AM

#

So uhh

#

It's Wednesday October 15

#

I don't know, the days just bleed together sometimes and blend and then it's just.. living. No separation.

#

My girlfriend and I have decided to do some Halloween shopping... choose out scary masks for myself, and have a laugh while trying on a few dumb costumes.

#

Find a Jason or Friday the 13th mask, look the part, bomb a few downtown clubs. Might throw my own party

#

I remember a week or so ago when I went to the movie theater with Raya to watch horror films she was like, "LETZZZ FIND-A HORROUR FILMM WITH A HOT 6'5 KILLER... THOSE R THEE BEST..."

frank ledge Oct 16, 2025, 12:16 AM

#

frank ledge 'JAAAYKUH... WISH ME GOODNITE... OR ILL GUILT TRIP YEW IF YU DONTTTT...'

She didn't actually say that don't worry

frank ledge Oct 16, 2025, 12:16 AM

#

frank ledge I remember a week or so ago when I went to the movie theater with Raya to watch ...

She did say this

lyric parcel Oct 16, 2025, 6:36 AM

#

Ohh

frank ledge Oct 17, 2025, 8:02 AM

#

My girlfriend feels so controlling and desperate to talk at times

#

I recently told her to not lose her crap on me through messages and she didn't react to it good

#

Like trying to teach her emotional stability

#

I told her she has to earn my love too and that I'm not just gonna shower her with it when she's screaming her ass off at me because I didn't say "I love you" back to her over the phone

#

Like you could literally ask me to say that again ??? Instead she's saying self degrading stuff

#

Her liking younger guys is now popping up as another suspicion to me because why can't you listen to emotional maturity that I have, why are you so stubborn for, it's suspicious

#

It came off as emotionally unavailable to me from how unstable it was

#

Like hell no now you def not getting those words from me

#

Also seems selfish

#

In some areas

#

I will now be getting more upset and mad at my girlfriend because she pushes stuff honestly

#

I'm not some emotional punching dummy

#

I hate how when girls get into relationships with me down the line when things get emotionally complex, literally all of them have said "does he have any emotions" like yeah I just know how to regulate them, can you

#

and it's unattractive to some of them for me to just be emotionally well off

#

It's like they want me to lose it on them too, but I won't, I can't, why would I

#

I told Raya, you have to ask for love if you're not being given it

#

So stubborn man

#

and I can almost tell she's making these small problems or arguments in our relationship because I don't know... maybe she's bored, lol

#

like behind the phone what if she's trying to make my anxiety spike or get bad emotions from me or manipulate me

#

like oh no I hope you do because I am numb with or without this relationship but you can keep trying

#

I have 4 missed calls from Raya and it was right when I was dozing off to sleep LOL

#

SHES JUST SPAM CALLING ME AFTER CUSSING AT ME AND IM ON MY BACK IN BED

#

SNORES

#

MY HONEST RESPONSE TO THE TOXICITY

#

Like I don't really give, I need sleep so Im getting it

#

JUST SLEEPING SO GOOD AND PEACEFULLY AFTER THAT HAHAHA

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I wonder if Leia saw me nowadays what would she say to me

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"you look terrible.." as she begins sobbing in front of me

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That's another ex girlfriend btw LOL

frank ledge Oct 18, 2025, 11:23 PM

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Saturday Oct 18

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So I'm at Raya's place

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I went over on Friday the 17th, and that was yesterday

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Her and I bought some matching clothes for halloween

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A part of my clothing glows in the dark

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I smoked, drank.
Had a few energy drinks to supply my recent addiction to them

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I don't like to bring up exes much, no point in talking about them

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I stay at Raya, my girlfriend's place for a few days. Part-time boyfriend of hers

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Yeah I like cats or kittens

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Anyways

frank ledge Oct 19, 2025, 12:55 AM

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Eating fruits and thinking about how to keep myself busy at her place

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Like I dunno not much to do

verbal fern Oct 19, 2025, 12:56 AM

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frank ledge Eating fruits and thinking about how to keep myself busy at her place

what's your go to fruit?

frank ledge Oct 19, 2025, 12:57 AM

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verbal fern what's your go to fruit?

Strawberries

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I'm eating a mix of that, pineapple, banana, orange, and watermelon

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It came altogether

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Had some mango too

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A whole munch 💀

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That was my dinner

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Noticed something was deleted..
Sorry should've known better

frank ledge Oct 19, 2025, 1:02 AM

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verbal fern what's your go to fruit?

Hbu ?

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My gf is sleeping atm but I could wake her whenever I want

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My homework: undone
Mood: could care less

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Due date: unpaid attention to, don't know, better off not knowing

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School life: a mess

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Raya and I did go to the store for Halloween stuff and I bought a neon green mask that was a skeleton or skull and the texture of it was fancy

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My forum post is almost at 20 hearts

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I mean wow, I even told Raya herself about it. She was shocked

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Like oh yeah y'know I just um... Have this "journal" of mine that I talk about you in... and it has 20 hearts on it.

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She's like, huh? What app... Trying to find out where it is. I haven't told her.

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I can't imagine Raya sliding into a discord server to read all of this crap. Haha. I tell her parts of it, not all. It would be too much for her to read anyway, it'd take her weeks and months to be caught up

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Thats not happening, nuh uh

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But yeah she's just dozing off sleeping in her bedroom and I'm laid up on her sofa just killing time

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Sometimes I prefer to be in the other room doing my own thing, take some space

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Plus she doesn't give me room on her bed to sleep beside her, lol

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I'm either on the very edge holding on for life like that one scene in the Titanic or she tells me to lay underneath her so she's laying on me because the bed doesn't fit us both

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If I tell her to make room she will but she will wrap her arms around me right after

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I tell her how cute she looks while she's starting to drift off to sleep

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All peaceful and cozy hah like she doesn't have a singular stress on her face

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I stay up longer at night than her

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I noticed she needs a lot more sleep than me, like hours in a night

verbal fern Oct 19, 2025, 1:48 AM

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frank ledge Hbu ?

not a big fan of strawberries, i prefer apples or watermelon

frank ledge Oct 19, 2025, 8:41 AM

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So uh

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Recently I've been waking up at like 4-5 AM in the morning each night and I don't know why

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I'm trying to get comfortable but like

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My gf said not to take off any makeup that she's getting on me for three days or so

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Like really

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I'm wearing it too atp hell

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Sooo....

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Rayas lights are going out

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They are flickering like crazy

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I'm feeling sick from all I drank and bored frankly LOL

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My skin is begging for help

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Somebody ain't paying that electric bill in time

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I'm wearing this itchy ass halloween costume still

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The entire lower half of my body just hurts all of it

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But I haven't been able to sleep and get rest for tomorrow

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Yeah I just took that makeup off now

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Skin has never felt so good

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She wears a lot of that sometimes but doesn't need it and it gets all over me

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Current personal comfort levels on a scale 1-10: a 3

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Phones on 16%

frank ledge Oct 19, 2025, 9:16 AM

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frank ledge Yeah I just took that makeup off now

Feels good af

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I WAS OVERSTIMULATED I SWEAR TO GOD AND THE MAKEUP WAS PROBABLY YHE REASON WHY

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YOU CAN LITERALLY FEEL IT ON YOUR SKIN

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LIKE WHY ARE U TORTURING ME WITH UR GIRLY COVER-UP

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We are half an hour into 5 Am and I am on the hunt for Raya's cigs

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She wouldn't leave them out in the open

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Barely making it at her house tonight

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The urge to just had up and left for the night was growing on me

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I'm ripping down the walls at this point

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My phone is dying

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Found some random ass plug sitting about and used it

frank ledge Oct 21, 2025, 1:34 AM

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Monday Oct 20
I think I've over romanticized that C girl that was in my life
It was a rough time for me that I never forgot
A time in my life that changed me forever and that would permanently stay with me

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I'm fine with my girlfriend Raya at the moment. She isn't making me a lot more messed up, maybe just a bit more than I already was but not too much of a difference.
I've always felt somewhat dead inside after that year. Those years. Suddenly I'm different and I just keep changing more and more. At times I don't know what to do with myself. I don't wanna work the average job, date the typical girl. I wanna be a star, someone unique, an inventor or a singer, a designer, something that most can only dream of. I'm caring less about school. I find life hits different when you stop caring about it, but I fear where my reckless and carefree living will make me end up.

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Tw sui ideation
||Sometimes I don't wanna live anymore,|| the expectations and pressures this world wants me to meet makes my soul and spirit crushed. I don't wanna be normal.

frank ledge Oct 21, 2025, 6:14 AM

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I miss Trina my ex girlfriend so much

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Because she was such an emotionally tender and honest gal

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Her appearance called to me like as if her and I were meant to meet and we did

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My regrets are few

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It's too bad I couldn't have more time with her to have had a longer relationship

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Her and I were so compatible in a different way than Raya and I are. How open she was about her mental health issues made me feel less alone, heard, seen.

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It's October 21 on a Tuesday and Halloween is in a few weeks

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My favorite holiday

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I like how I have this uh, gift, or something, to look inside people and see troubles they've faced without them directly talking to me about them or mentioning it

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And I can tell Trinas hobbies of going out to bars and clubs when I knew her was a form of escapism and an attempt to feel like a regular college student that can enjoy themselves and have fun, or deserve it, outside of a disciplinary college that offers a lot less.

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The college I go to may have an influence on the girls I go after, because it's what I'm surrounded with, and used to, and that's people who have records of misconduct or other crap that's held them back from enrolling into a regular one

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The cheapest one among districts, you see uncovered pipes and crap, exposed electric circuits, open wires, it's small and feels like you're suffocating in the hallways

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Some parts of the school are closed off during times of the year because there's asbestos falling from the ceiling. Ghetto, but anyway

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I could cry on the spot if I think about the school I go to for long enough and the years I've already missed, that this schools taken from me, instead of me going to a real college campus

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I have friends there and all of them in their early 20s hate it. They drop out constantly, go back, drop out, barely make 30s for grades, bond through bad habits

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They try to escape it by going out to clubs or smoking, drinking, whatever fills the void

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I try to think of the good parts of it too but being there isn't a good situation. Like the people you meet have faced more adversities in life, they've struggled, they are unique and different in their own ways

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But I'm tired sick of the place. There's only so much bad gals you can meet in that zoo, till ones completely got you hooked. My girlfriend, 44 years old, and still attending this disciplinary college here and there if she isn't working a job. She never seemed to care for school, and I can tell my girlfriend wanted to live life on a lower radar for the purpose to do crime and have fun that only crazy would know. It's absurd how some people won't want more for themselves, they don't wanna become a lawyer or doctor or be someone important or famous, because they can't be seen hanging around criminals and living certain lifestyles. She was bad from the get go, and stayed that way

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I've managed to stay with Raya and accept her emotional troubles, work with her, and in the process I have become less of a honorable person to uh... society myself. The world around me. Just not being the greatest person alive. There's only so much a man can be. The thing is, I'm smart, even though I can make it in construction and choose brawns over brains I don't wanna be doing that my whole life. I wanna make the most out of it, because it won't last forever

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I remember a conversation I was having with Raya and she told me about a comedian she likes that was popular back in the 1950s or something. I laughed and said, "1950s? There's no way I know that comedian, they aren't in the mainstream anymore. That's from a whole different time. How old is this comedian now?"
Raya had told me, "They may be dead, I'm not sure their age."
I told her, "60s? 80s? Not that that's too old for me." I cleverly planned my next few words, with decades ahead of us in mind to try and charm her

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I wonder what the reason of the breakup between her and I will be, because the relationship is starting to look long term. We talked about wanting to go places next summer. I wanted to put some hope in her, show I'm not the kind of guy to just use someone and discard them, I can't be like that, I'm genuine and my heart wants what it does. She'll definitely go sooner than me and I'd like to know when she does if I'm not in her life anymore. I'd remember her as truly badass in unconventional, and cheeky ways. Someone who never conformed, who lived carefree, a live wire throughout her whole life. But the sun isn't the brightest in her life, my girlfriends had financial problems, her bank amount is dangerously low for her age but like I said, she's sacrificed certain lifestyles to be as reckless as she is today

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Who knows what'll happen, I don't know if I could love her to death now. We should look at 3-5 years, not decades yet

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I like how deeply Raya makes me reflect on myself and my own habits, I can really see myself nowadays even when I feel like I'm not myself at all anymore. But who I am now must be exactly who I am, who else would it be, I live with the decisions I make

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People tell me I'm being groomed but I ignore it. The trauma I've been through in the past was a lot worse than however this woman will make me turn out. That trauma made me irreversibly tough, like you can throw me in the jungle and I'd come out a king, and to me the hard floor is a comfier place to sleep on than a bed or mattress. That's what schizophrenia does to you

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Nothing's been more traumatizing to me than living with that disorder. Nothing in the world. No person could meet that level of hell that it gave me in the past

#My girl problems, M22