Fragments of my Life 3 [Diary]

[hot wolf]

I'm so tired

I'll go in my bed and write on phone, maybe that'll help...?

(Or you could just sleep!) Yeah I know, shut up nerd.

--
I've been having another story in mind for the past few weeks

Every time I'm showering or about to fall asleep my mind just goes straight into developing this story I didn't even wanted to write

And I don't know how to write it now

I have everything

The plot, the worldbuilding

The characters

Their evolution, how they'll become, what they'll become

The plot twists

It's the most amazing story I've ever seen among everything I've read or watched, and I have every element of it ready.

If I were to make it a story with the writing level of Shadow Slave it would surely be one of the bests stories for... people like me?

I even came up with an original power system
I usually don't like my stories on fantasy settings because of the power system being just a way to make things done in the story

I've spent hours rereading the .txt with the paragraphs of random elements I've written, and I'm lost on how to actually write them

Even if I have a general plot

It's a bit frustrating

The relationships should look like that:

(Pov character)
Aria -> Seris = love
Aria -> Lume = rivalry
Aria -> Kael = friendship

(World mc)
Seris -> Aria = sisterhood
Seris -> Lume = friendship
Seris -> Kael = platonic love

(Main supportive chr)
Lume -> Aria = rivarly/hate to love
Lume -> Seris = love
Lume -> Kael = friendship

(Group supportive chr)
Kael -> Aria = friendship
Kael -> Seris = platonic love
Kael -> Lume = (love? affection?)

Well, at least at the beginning

I put random names btw, they are named "char1, thisgirl, Guy" and names like that in my draft...

Only the pov character name is choosen

I don't usually write romance between girls, but it's for the plot

No, the plot is for their relations

No, everything is for Aria to go wrong

I like keeping guys for supportive characters

I don't know what it says on me, I rely on guys? I think they only deserve second role?
Well, none, so it's unrelated

I don't want to write more about this, I'll never talk about my stories here anyway

It's still an anonymous diary because of everything I've said here

And well, I have quite some popularity on the website I post my stories on now!

My ratio for views/like is high, so I guess it'll keep increasing

But the comments are bothering me so I might delete my account and the stories anyway

I don't care about their opinion, it's not like I want to improve, I just want to write what I want, and how I want.

If I don't like something, I rewrite from scratch until it's good. If it's posted it means it was good for me.

Negative comments is a low but still high ratio of the comments

I also realized how weird are webnovels readers

They are used to "webnovels"... I write books.

In the form of webnovels yes, but it's not like everything they can find on that app called Webnovel

I stop acting like I care, I wanted to share another thought crossing my mind.

--
It takes so much time to write when I'm having a bad time.

And I'm on phone now so it's even longer

Oh, I forgot

Along with pain, people that know I feel no emotion ask me if I can feel pleasure from any source

It's a hard answer compared to pain

The short one would be : "yes but no, no but yes, but no but no, so yes."

Let me explain

[near moon]

hi

[brave ginkgo]

Hi

[hot wolf]

Searching for what to answer is bothering me, your messages are too short if that was an attempt to discuss. I'll skip.

I do feel pleasure from chemical reactions, like dopamine and other processes, so yes. But it doesn’t create any emotion in me. Usually, when people feel pleasure, it comes with an emotion like relief or joy. For me, it’s just… nothing.
(Yes but no)

From that, I could say that pleasure is useless to me, and that I don’t feel it at all. But that wouldn’t be true. On the emotional side, I don’t feel anything, but I still experience “pleasure”. For example, when I eat sugar or cuddle my brother, it feels good enough. But…
(no but yes but)

It stops here. I don’t feel the need for more pleasure like others do. Because of that, I don’t even do things that usually produce pleasure, like dopamine release from watching TikTok and similar things, leading to less pleasure felt at a point where I don't really know if I can feel it or not.
(no but no)

So yes, I still feel pleasure, but no, it doesn’t affect me the way it seems to affect others. I’m not sure about sexual pleasure since, well… I don’t really know, . I don’t actively seek pleasure, it has no real interest for me.
(so yes)

[hot wolf]

That was the best I could do for the short one...

4:08am is starting to get late

It's more like, 4 hours writing here is starting to be a lot of time

Not compared to my overall time in general, just compared to how much I’ve usually been writing here recently.

I still write in my other diaries almost each day

Less than before though

I'm too lazy to find the message, but the maths for how much I was writing each day was terrifying

The maximum of hours I've wrote non-stop in these FoL diaries, here, is 16 hours I believe

From morning to bedtime

Did I leave blank messages at the beginning of this diary to add infos later? I hope I did

There's the dictionnary (that I don't even use anymore since I forgot it myself), the FoLs, the PhVs, the keywords

Some lore about my life

It's hard to know me well without reading Diary 1 I'd say

Since I only write here when I feel bad now

I wonder what love feels like.

I digress again, and yes I already said that like... an hour ago? No, two now maybe.

One reason I want to feel what love is like, but get annoyed by human relationships, is in large majority influenced by my 'traumatic' childhood, but also because of my current experience with relationships.

Males are annoying.

Guys, mans, or whatever you say in english

How many times have a guy asked for my number this school year only

At the beginning of the year, remember, I was pretty cool about it, it was a fun fact. Now it's boring.

All my life have people asked to go out with me

From girls under my age, to guys triple my age when I was still old enough to have played with Barbies.

How could I try to really understand and feel love when so many people are trying to get that emotion from me? Love should be focused on one person and I don't have the freedom to

I like the way I look, as I've said multiple times before. But I hate the consequences of looking good

I'm not sure this would be seen as negative to most

In my situation it is.

Aah I'm so tired help me

Why am I not sleeping yet

When I'm tired it goes wrong, always

I keep writing about wanting to die, so hard that I could die for it... well that's the point

Then I ask why I live, why I exist

Why I have to exist, and repeat that for minutes before saying goodbye

Usually when I do this, I'm so empty that I feel pain

It’s not emotional. I think my body is just so stiff it compresses everything in me and it hurts.

I also tried to do this thing they do in stories

Self harm

It just hurts for no reason, why would people even do that

Pain is a good catalyst and helps direct your thoughts, yes, I can understand, but the way isn’t efficient.

It hurts more than it helped me sort out my thoughts.

Maybe I went too far too

But anyway, I think it’s a way stupid or desperate people deal with their problems. I can only call them stupid if their situation hasn’t always been bad and they could think of other ways to improve. If they’ve always had a miserable life, from childhood, then they’re just desperate.
You can’t blame someone who has never known any other solution for doing the only thing they know and can think of.

Like you can’t blame German kids for being indoctrinated by Nazis, or current racist people who were reminded their whole childhood that people of another color are bad, or Gaby from killing ||Sasha|| AoT spoil, when she was indoctrinated and thought she was doing a great action, etc.

I’m too tired; my argumentation becomes messy and debatable. I don’t like when my opinions leave room for discussion based on arguments I’ve already considered mentally but just haven’t expressed correctly. A debate with me should be based on an opinion I haven’t thought yet or that I’m not sure how to counter. Every opinion I am sure of are ones I can fully defend.

And that's one of them

"People are not responsible for what they have become, but they are responsible for what they become after actively receiving help."

That's a nice sentence of mine

If I talk with a person desperate from childhood who self-harms, I help them understand their own problems and ways to fix them, and this person continues harming themselves, then I would consider that person stupid, for me.

May you know my interest in stupid people if you've read Diary 1.

I have PhV on value of life and death about that

And another one I believe

To summarize (without any of the explanatory paragraphs from Diary 1 so it looks like I am a really bad, evil, selfish, egocentric, mean person):

For me, each life has a calculable value, and people with a lower value have no interest to me. This value is highly subjective, and I cannot determine all its factors. Being perceived as “stupid” lowers one’s value significantly. “Stupid” is used here as a general title, replace it with an imaginary term. I do not use “stupidity” in its dictionary meaning, but as a simplified expression. This concept of value applies to all beings.

I consider myself to be the life with the highest value, and if I were not, I would submit myself to whoever surpasses me.

Not being able to feel emotions and being too rational to think irrationally forces you to make your own rules to not go crazy, or do crazy things.

5am... what am I doing!

No, I need to go

I say this like I'm not crazy already.

Crazy in all societies has meant being far off standards.

A lot of us are crazy.

Craziness is what makes most people able to consider themselves normal.

--
Goodnight diary.

[frozen cargo]

hi, it's been long. hope you got some decent sleep — it was quite late when you stopped writing.

i read everything you wrote today. I'm not going to debate this time with the things you said, nor provide any new ideas, because this time I've only noticed that your entries have gotten darker. And that's probably more your business than something that elicits giving advice.

I wanted to ask if I could read the story you've written. Obviously you can say no — i'm asking because i love writing and reading too, and your book sounds interesting.
hope you have a better day :)

[hot wolf]

Hi Arlo, it's been a while.

There is effectively not much to debate because of the current state of this diary. I'm having a bad time, but it will get better someday. Thank you for understanding that I don't need any opinions or advices on my personal life.

As for the story, I'd rather not share it. I haven't shared it with anyone I know, only posted it on the internet. I don't like the thought of my own world being associated with me as a person, considering how bad of a person I am. I would rather let it exist on its own. That is also why I never answered any comments on my story nor made any posts under my artist name.

Have a good day too, it's great to see you. I hope that the next time you get there, I'll have written something that's worth a debate.

[hot wolf]

Hello diary.
I have three things I want to talk other quickly, since I have other things to do now, it's very early to spend hours writing.

First, I don’t have school until next Monday since I live in France, and tomorrow is a public holiday. My college also skip Friday for a longer weekend.
Second, there was this guy who insulted me after I rejected him at the beginning of the year. After we talked for a few dozen minutes this morning, he asked me out on a date again. I said yes? Maybe it’ll benefit me somehow and give me more experience.
Third, I tried this new game called NTE. I really like the graphics, but I’m not really into following long stories and listening to hours of dialogue anymore, so I dropped it pretty quickly. I went to prison before even starting the main quest and getting out took a long boat run that lasted for 5 mins, and I got bored. Every cinematics are pretty good though.

Fourth (yes I said three, and?), my mom and my stepfather had one final argument and separated for good, probably. Now he’s sending long paragraphs to my sister, probably just to vent his frustration.

I don't want to hear about their content

And I don't really care, I have my own stuff to care about right now.

Also, I played League of Legends again because why not, and I deranked to Grandmaster 800 LP. That’s a lot, like, a lot of lost games. So I’m quitting again. I mostly played just to think about something else, but I lost 400 LP, and I know I’ll start getting way more invested than I should over something that really doesn’t matter.
I don’t really mind losing, but I do mind not improving, and lately I feel like I’m getting worse. That’s probably going to make my competitive side take over again and push me to spend another 500 hours grinding ranked just to reach top 10… like I already did once.
It wasn’t a very fun 6-month grind, so I’ll just let it go.

[hot wolf]

Hello diary.

I don't want to write today.

I don't even know what to write about. That's rare.

I could just start something and write for another three hours about it, but wouldn't that boring.

It'll be a topic used only for writing something, and not something I want to talk about.

I don't go to school anymore. Well, I did today, for a few hours this afternoon.

I'll probably fail this year if I continue like that. The final exams are in a few weeks.

I have no knowledge about anything we've done in the past 1.5/2 months.

I got a new friend. A virtual one.

That's also very rare.

I don't like talking to people that don't exist to me. People I can't see doesn't see to exist aswell.

But this one is nice.

She is 14. She lives in a country where women are treated like objects, in a heavily religious environment.

It's a bit disgusting what her parents wants from her and forces her to do just because it's normal there.

She is forced to eat more because there, being bigger is seen as a sign of good health. Or at least I think that's the reason.

She also can't talk to guys, do sports, or get a job

She first told me she is "genderfluid" and that's how I learned about that

It's absurd, so I asked her to tell me more

I'm a rational person, and I can't tolerate being friends with people I find stupid and inconsiderate.

This whole genderfluid, transgender trend is for me just bullshit. At least it is my opinion after talking with these people and reading a lot about it.

Now, "these people" is too general. Anyone can be transgender, and they are all different people, so putting them into one group would just be the wrong way to see it. In general, transgender people and related identities like that are often, in my opinion, influenced by propaganda and young people who fall for it just because they liked Barbies when they were kids, even though they are boys.

But not all of them are like that.

Including my new friend. After hearing what her life is like, why would want to be a girl?

It sucks there.

There is litteraly no reason to be a girl. We're back 1000 years in the past.

It's surprising that some countries are still like that. What religion can do to people is scary.

At first, it was a way to unite people through hope, but now it is used to keep people attached to the past through belief.

Which I find disgusting. Whether they are true or not, religions are a powerful way of uniting a lot of people quickly. It should be used better.

And I don't think their god wanted half the the population to wish they were born as the other gender

It's so...

Right now, Islam is the religion that is doing the most damage to the world and our evolution toward a good civilization
For Christianity... well, I don't know. They have done the most damage in history, but they are quiet nowadays.

I don't think humans would survive without religions, so they are necessary

If a higher entity would come to earth and somehow prove to us that no god existed, and religions were human-made, everything would just be chaos

How many people have only God left for sole hope?

Why am I even talking about god at 2am it's not interesting

I'm just annoyed with parents that teach their kids about religion

Litteral propaganda

Teaching them to believe in something before they developed their critical thinking, before they can even talk

It disgusts me

As I’ve explained so many times, I’m scared of this universe, except for the influence one can have on a child.

Because that's the only period of my life where I could be changed without my will.

No one did try to change my mind as a kid, so now I can think like that. But what about the people that keeps being born?

If you're lock in a cell since you're born, you can't know outside world exist.

If you're said that black people are bad and scary, you will fear them, learning to fear their appearence.

If you're told god exist and is the reason for everything you own and will own, you will learn to praise a god you probably would've never believed in on your own.

This is my only fear. What our influence can do to kids, and what could've been done to my brain if I was still one.

One people tried to debate with me on this topic

A real friend of mine

We ended up less friend at the end of interaction

Just because there is absolutely no way to debate my opinion on this. It is "true", if you say to a newborn to believe something he will. You can argue that later he'll develop critical thinking, ect, but I have counter arguments to everything I've thought of, and I've thought a lot.

It is one of the few opinions I am sure of. Once I debate enough about an opinion, and think enough, I accept it as my own truth.

Before that, it's just a belief that I'm willing to lose against good counter arguments

There no reason to ever debate an opinion I am sure of, because there is no way I could be wrong

I literally thought of everything that could be wrong with it, and nothing was. That’s why I am sure of it. Not the kind of certainty that people who think they are smart have. It’s the kind of certainty that requires hundreds of hours of meditation, going over the thought again and again, and debating it with others, or with my other self.

And of course, I am right. It is the truth. I created a new keyword in this diary, I think it is called Hn. Hn 1 is “Truth.” “I shall never lie,” and I explain why truth is unique since it is a representation of reality, and there is only one reality.

The opinions I am sure of, are rather focused, and not general

I will not be sure of "war is bad"

First because I think it can have positive sides, but also because well, you can argue with it, and I can't defend it enough.

There won't ever be a day one can qualify war is white or black. It's way too gray

But I can be so sure that every concept taught since childhood, including religions, is superfluous and is later transmitted to the children of these children through what I like to call, unconscious conditioning.

And am I happy to say that since now, I've not been infected by it, or at least not realized it yet.

Maybe I will realize one day that something in my mind that I was sure of came from the certainty of close older people when I was a child, but right now every opinion in my mind seems to have been thought through and approved by me.

Sadly, even if I never realize that one was corrupted, I cannot be sure that it is not the case. But I can be proud of having tried.

Most, and by most I mean most, people don't.

Why so serious at 2:44am

I need to. Stop. Being always so serious.

I was chill 1.5 years ago

When I made diary 1

It was one of my best diaries too

Very happy and positive

Now it's just, somewhere to write long paragraphs.

Or short sentences that serves 0 purpose, like this one

I might close this diary for good one day

When I can actually tell myself to give up on a diary

I don't need this diary

It’s messy, and I fucked it up. I don’t like swearing, but it’s my only to describe how impactful it is. For me.

I hate reading again diary 1

Because I realize how bad is diary 3

Actually, I didn't change much since diary 1

And every positive side of myself still exist, there's a diary as good, and even better

It's one of my private diaries that has always been like that

I just write more in it now, that's why I write less here

And this one diary has became for when I don't want to talk positive

Every side of myself coexist

I can talk about how funny it is to learn this new Kanji that looks like a among us character, and then write about how I hate life and wished to had never been born

In the span of a minute, just because I got bored of one side of me.

All thoughts coexist, and when I feel very, very bad, I even seem to have another person in my head.

I already had convs with my other self here I think? 1 or 2 times in diary 1, and idk for here.

It's not really another me, it's me

There's the me with reason and the me that fakes having feelings. Always

It's always the me with reason telling the me with fake emotions to unalive itself

But it can't do it because it's too weak to do it. When it finally accepts, reason tells it that he cannot because dying would be unrational. Then it stops

It's weird. Because I feel like talking to myself, but also don't.

I wish there was another me

If there was two me, I'd have no down sides

My only problem is not feeling emotions. It being the biggest problem I can find for someone to have.

Why live if life will never mean anything?

But with another me, I could enjoy life actually.

Not really, since I can't feel that.

Argh, english lacks word for describing that. "Feeling" is too general and used for everything.

I could find enjoyment in talking to another me, since I could spend the rest of my life debating with me.

I'm the only person with whom I can infinitely debate.

When you lack emotions, knowledge replaces it.

Everyone act every day and at every moment with how they feel

If we could change someone emotional state with a button in an instant, his behaviour would change

Not only that. Facial expression, his way of walking, thinking; almost everything.

For me, I need experience and knowledge to naturally know what to do. It is something I have learned, not acquired, and not something I am acquiring every second by acting on feelings.

So the more I know myself and how I think, the more human I am

I don't seek to be a human since I can't be. I wish I'd be, but I can't considerate myself as human, and there's no way to change it, so why try?

Though, being human is the only thing that "feels good", because it is the only thing that can bring this "good feeling" and the actual sensation it produces, not just conceptual, associated with that word.

Of course being able to "feel" would be the only thing that feels good. It's obvious enough explained like that, in my opinion.

So yeah, I don’t seek to be human, but being one is the only thing that would feel good. And talking to another version of myself would help me understand myself even better and get closer to being human by improving my knowledge of what to do at any moment, in the hope of feeling something one day.

Well, said like that it sounds absurd and unrealistic, but I don’t care much anyway lol. There cannot be another me, and if there were, I would die before developing my knowledge enough.

--
Yeah, I can't use this diary for anything unserious anymore

It blocks me mentally

What have I done to it 😭

Emojis? That's another rare usage.

3 rare occurrences in one night.

I wonder where I would go if there really were a religiously accurate God.

Heaven? Hell?

Probably hell.

It depends on how God would actually work. Is it an entity? Or close to a person?

Can it think, analyaze, and adapt its judgment based on every element of my life and, well, just see everything and judge?

Or is it a "there's good people, and bad people" entity?

I'm not good, but I'm not so bad either.

I just have different morals and values because I found the common ones to be sometimes absurd, and sometimes I don't like to follow them

It goes against the previous topic I talked about, but of course, for a rule or knowledge to be actually used by me, it needs to make sense for me.

"Not killing" for example is too large for no reason. There are reasons to kill for.

Police can kill criminals, it's not bad depending of the necessity of the situation

Well, in the US it's... let's forget about this weird country; but in Europe it's often the case.

Police kill for a reason

This reason was accepted by those who made the rules when they wrote all the documents they put together and called “law”.

So they accepted that there were valid reasons to kill.

Based on moral (mostly human rights)

Then with my own moral I have my own reasons to accept killing. Of course it's against the law but it's not the point here. I don't care about much things, law isn't one of them.

And yeah I need to sleep, and learned to shut up too.

I write too much about too sensitive topics, this is a public diary. Maybe revealing that I buried 5 bodies in my backyard isn't a great idea-

Which is joke obviously.

Or not?

No it is. Why are you trying to do me wrong...
I already wrote about the value I had for life in general. There I wrote that my life doesn't matter to me, but the life of others matters because it matters to them

A life value is based on everyone value for it, including the owner of it (so abstract and wrongly explained, just read PhV 1 : Value of deaths and live [something like that])

So yeah, no killing

But still, I don't fear killing and could kill for my own reasons without any doubt

If my family was in danger, killing is an easy answer to most threats.

But let's not kill

I don't like blood

With my clan I'm used a lot to it, since others bleed, and I often also bleed

And yeah, it’s not great. I don’t like the stickiness of it.

I have class in 4h what a pain

I'll just not go to it nvm

I'll fail my school year because of this annoying girl that invalides your semesters when you have too many absences

But I don't mind much

We're not even coding anymore even though I'm in IT

The second part of last semester is spent doing diagrams.

If I fail my mom will force me to do something with my life still

Or just die aah if only I could die

But nothing seems to want to kill me

By the way, if I don't write here for a very long period of time, without me making another diary here because I lost this account, this discord server closing, or me ending this diary properly with a last message and a "THE END", then I'm dead

I can never ever leave a diary unclosed.

Diaries are too precious to me, I'd never do that.

So if I die, this diary won't be for my future self to read it again later, like it is right now, but for the other people

If that happens, then be happy for me, I can never be sad being dead

And I wished to be since I have acquired reason

What would hell be like?

Burning for eternity is stupid

If there is a god, and his punishment for being even the worst human one could be over 100 years; is really burning for the rest of eternity; this god is stupid.

I made a PhV about "immortality is a curse",

Well, being immortal and suffering for eternity is what then?

I have no word to describe it.

There is way to visualize eternity, it's far too great

Infinity is beyond human comprehension. By far.

Now, assuming you won’t be able to lose your mind, or learn to tolerate pain, and burn for eternity because of Hell’s setting, I despise God.

Since I don't even know if this entity exist, I'm neutral

Heaven too is far too stupid

Infinity of way you've always wished for

It's be great, but if Hell haven't existed

It'd mean that while people suffer for eternity for ONLY 100 years of causing harm, others can enjoy life for eternity, for only 100 years of doing not too bad.

It'd be absurd.

Hell could be a place where you need to purge a sentence for a finite - not so long and relative to the harm you've caused - amount of time. Then it would be okay.

Cruel, but okay.

I'd even be the ruler of Hell if it worked that way

The first people I would punish would be people that have taught kids to hate on something because they did

Then the ones that taught kids to love something* because they did
(* I'm too lazy and it's too late to explain what this something means, but not anything of course)

Then the rapists

Then some pedophiles, after hearing the circumstances and judging that it really deserves to be punished by so much pain-
so let’s say the true pedophiles actively hunting and doing things with underaged individuals

Then some of the world leaders

Including their government, because they cause a lot of harm

And lastly me, because I need to know what the people I send there feel when burning

So I don't send them for too little.

Vote for me as the new Hell leader!

No, no. Why am I imagining what measures I’d take ruling Hell at 4 am.?

You're sick, myself.

Well, every mesure of mine seems to be to protect children.

Now that I read it again.

War affects ones conditions for sure. No child can grow normally in a war setting

--
I wish I could talk to someone like me

I did have this one girl

No it's too long to write about her always

I already did before

In diary... this one or near the end of the first.

But we don't talk anymore so

I'm way too unique

Not for the good reaons, maybe

But unique, still.

I am a lot of different things. I have so many personalities. Just take two of my private diairies, it looks like a completely other person writing.

The private ones because they're in french, so I can write exactly how I want to.

I don't know enough ways of writing in english, to change how I write. Or in small mesures.

idk what I wanted to sat

Aaah let me sleep

I'm so so tired

More than usually

I want to write now.

After 2.35 hours writing without the will to, I now want to but am too tired.

Ironic.

I'll still go and sleep

I need to think about my story more, there is an important scene soon, and I get all my ideas from the few minutes before falling alseep

When I remember them. It's hard to sometimes

Especially when I have lucid dreams, I forget about what I thought just before sleeping

Btw I learned that my friend's ex people used lucid dreams to do sexual things with her... it's disturbing to know

I'd have done better in life not knowing that

As she would've of course

I don't even see how, lucid dreams are too unstable

You can't think too fast, or too little

Your heart must stay quiet, and you can't lose focus

The sensation is weird

I mean, I use them to sort my thoughts like meditation

So I think a lott, but at a slow speed

Lucid dreams can be really slow with some control

I can't explain how, like I can't explain how I breath

But you can just control it

That's how I can do the job I'd do in a few hours of thinking, in what seems like half an hour of lucid dream

Reorganizing thoughts, not thinking.

Because my mind works with small boxes. Let's not explain that at 4am... and it's one of the first topic I've talkef about in Fragments of Life. (so, in diary 1)

I'll really go to sleep.

Really.

Really really.

Now.

I will do it.

I just write without meaning my words, of course it won't work.

Go to sleep you stupid non-human monster!

Alright, I meant it this time

I'll go.

--
goodnight diary.

[hot wolf]

Hello diary.

No, it's 6:33am, sun is bright, I haven't slept, and have to wake up 1h.

I've never done that on a school day. After 5:30am I even stopped being tired

I was dying of my lack of sleep but was fully invested in the serie I was watching

Very rare from me to focus on series so much

Then I wasn't tired anymore.

Yes I am. But I feel like I can survive the day and somewhat fine.

I'm used to sleep deprivation, however it's been a lot of hours I haven't slept.

But it wasn't school days.

Yesterday was a national day or whatever its called so we didn't have school

I think I'm on 40 hours of sleep deprivation?

No, wait

Last time I slept was saturday, and I woke up sunday 8am.

It's been around 46 hours

So I'll go to sleep.

--
good... morning diary.

[hot wolf]

Hello diary

I want to try to take the special forces test

Being a soldier usually doesn't interest me much because I think politics sucks, but it's not the same on certain special forces

fighting terrorists and corrupt governments in other countries is not that bad

I think I have the physical requirements to pass

My strength is high for a girl due to my training and genetics

I'm still weaker than a trained man in term of pure strength but it's ok

in my clan I compensate with technique, but it's not the same in millitary

My specialty is bladed weapons, which would probably be taken as a joke there

Military is so different from what I know; I’d need to get used to teamwork, with people acting as one. I also wouldn't be the one giving directives

that's normal, I don't have any experience of modern war

It would be hard for me to follow orders of someone I don't trust

The process of becoming a great soldier is boring in general

I’d pass all the tests without a doubt, since my clan training is far worse than the ones I’ve researched in the military

If we die during training it's our problem

But then there's the few years of experience training where you learn indoor combat

skydiving, and very advanced swimming abilities

I'm not so good at swimming. That makes one thing I'm proudly bad at! No, we just don't do much swimming so I never tried to be good at it

Maybe I'd be good with a hundred hour of training

I'm the most confident in my ability to survive sleep deprivation and torture, since when I want, I can
And it's a major part of our training

I explained what is my clan about in diary 1, with few details, but it's traditional to learn how to last long enough while tortured, until you are rescued or find a way to release yourself, or killyourself

It's no longer useful, it's a relic of the past anyway

My clan is just a very closed club now, almost. But resisting torture is still part of the training, and it's a bit brutal

The martial art I'm the better at is self defense, even though it's a ninjutsu club

That's because self defense will save your life more often

The weapon I am most skilled with is the kunai in close combat

It seems stupid in our modern era, and it's not very useful now that guns exist

I don't plan to fight against people with guns with a blade, so it doesn't matter

I should've been born earlier, or go back in time, or be reincarnated in a fantasy world

I’d be considered very strong in any of these periods

In this one, I'm just 'skilled'

Since I can die by bullets like the other weaklings

I’d be a good assassin in the military, if such a role exists

It probably does, obviously

That's not interesting though. Going alone, very far, to infiltrate and kill people I don't even know, for reasons I don't know

Seems boring

That would actually be an actual easy job to get. I have the perfect profile

My club was an assassin clan long ago, which is why our training makes us good at it. We train in much more, but that is major one of them.

I have the perfect profile because I'm a girl

and I look good

There is no better assassin profile

A skilled good looking girl

Maybe a skilled cute looking child is a better profile

But there's much a child couldn't do

It's easy to enter anywhere and do whatever I want with my appearance alone

Why am I talking about being a good assassin profile? I was writing about me passing the special forces tests.

I need to think more about it, but it's funnier than my current studies

The only downside really, is dying for no reason because I followed an order even though I judged it stupid

I don't care of dying, still I prefer avoiding it when I can take a decision to not die

That's why I never suicided

I need experience, that's all. With experience I could rank up

I have every skills someone needs, to lead my own team

I'm used to being the lead, and I have a natural disposition for leadership

Starting as a leader makes no sense in any field, since you lack experience

How many years would it take though

I could die before making it

If we forget the absurd politics behind it, I like the concept of war in general

Fighting in teams, with a goal in mind, and being the winner, or lose and die

That’s why I talked about entering the special forces rather than regular ground forces. I want to be in a place where individual performance matters more. Regular infantry are just expendable soldiers

It's nice when everyone has its own role

Like in my current team, the one I formed in my clan

It's not about who's better, but who's better at what

And in a normal team fight, each of them can be useful

And make a difference

Having no feelings, but a great understanding of empathy would help a lot too

Killing coldly and reassuring warmly. That's a skill veteran must have tho. Still, I'd be better at it.

My biggest problem would be endurance, if I have to do the same physical efforts mans

Maybe I should rephrase

Not to the highest standards, of course, since I’m the best in my clan (debatable, since I lost twice in a row in the tournament, but I just wasn’t focused). My endurance is better than most people in the world. I’d say I’m in the national top 100, including soldiers? I got second place at an important running competition

No, I don't know actually

In my clan, I have more endurance than the elites, which are stronger than any soldier

I have like 50% of their strength though- But I'm a girl.

Anyway, still, endurance would be a problem in the special forces

the more the better

If I could run 100km without getting tired it'd be great. If I can't, then endurance is my biggest problem.

Btw I need to retry my torture limits

It's been a while since I tried

In the clan we have ranking for almost every exercise, and it's one of them. I ranked first, one year ago, I even wrote about it here. Since then I just do the basic regular trainings

I only talk about the things I'm good at, that's why it looks like I'm good at everything

And I'm good at many things

Of course I am, I must have 25-45k hours of training. It's the most important part of my family and life

I currently hold about 30 top ranks in these exercises. It's... 33 or 34. Maybe it changed, I didn't check since January

There are hundred of them, so it's not that big

It still is huge, since there are a lot of people in my clan, and the second top holder has 20.

The third has 8

The 4th has 5, and then it's 7,7,5,5,5,4,3,3,3,3
Something like that.

Most of the records are hold by people that have only one.

Since they are people who are insanely good in their field, having mastered it completely with thousands of hours focused on it.

One of the most impressive (though not the very best) records I have is for the highest number of consecutive fights against top-ranked opponents.

Mhh to explain

You start from top 50 and need to beat the maximum of opponents in a row, in 1v1 duels. When one if defeated, the next enters the fight.

Though you cannot fight an opponent higher ranking than you. This rule is mostly made so you don't have to wait months to have a session, since it would mean all the top 50 would need to be present for each attempt. And there can't be two different fighters in a row since the fighters would not be at their maximum

For the top rank, you have to request a session for that exercise, and you'll usually be given a date a few months later

It took only 2 months for me since I'm still from the family leader

Even though I won't be the next one

Oh I forgot I was talking about my record

In this exercise, beating them means either making them fall to the ground or making them bleed.

My record is 16 consecutive wins, which is a LOTT. It seems low like that, but it's a lot.

Everyone in my clan is a top fighter. The top ranked ones are elite fighters

If it was about beating them to death, I would've probably got a score of- 2?

No, the top-50 guy back then was a strong guy, his biceps were wider than my chest

probably only one.

No, more if I were determined to kill

but... why would I do that for just one exercise rank. And I would've been way too tired and failed in the next five fights

Since making the opponent bleed a little is enough, I used a long thin rapier. It fits my combatstyle and is an actual weapon compared to kunai

the weapon I master the most is kunai of course, but it's not really a weapon in the first place...

I started using it because I saw all these ninja using it, when I was a kid

"ninjutsu" "ninja", yay! I'll become a real ninja. But ninjas didn't use kunai, it's made for farmers in the first place

The balancing is bad, and they are too short.

I don't even throw them, I'm always close-combat. There are way better weapons

But I like them. I have my own kunais that are well balanced, and have my own fighting style with them. I found a way to make them great.

Well, almost everyone in our clan has their own fighting styles. Some factions have a similar fighting style shared between their member, but in the end we're trained to develop our abilities by ourselves

Which is great

By the way I lost by this guy that uses a weird weapon I can't name

It's a long axe that's not so heavy, with sharp edges and on both sides

Then I can name it, it's an axe- its shape is weird tho.

Worst part is that he didn't even win with the weapon

He blocked my rapier and pushed me hard. That made me fall on the ground since I was exhausted

4am already...

Almost*

It took me 6 tries to get this record by the way. I wanted it, since it's the guy I'm in competition with who had it

The one that is top 1 in the tournment ranking right now

It's a disadvantage to be a girl for the life I live

Even with insane genetics for a girl, I'm just on par with 'high-medium standard' genetics for guys.

I would beat in term of strength, guys who never trained, or almost never.

If he had as good genetics as I do as a girl, he would still win purely because of genetics, even without any training at all.

Which is unfair, since being a girl gives me no advantage is combat

Litteraly none

Well, the weak spot for guys can put them totally KO with a nice kick. For girls it justs hurt as hell but we can fight with a lot of will

Even a trained guy would die on the ground

regular one at least

But that's not very useful in combat

Except for combat, being a girl is ok

I realize how strange that must sound to most people. The only disadvantage I find in being a girl is being physically weaker for combat than men... I imagine other girls would have a lot more to say.

One of the disadvantage of being a men in combat is thinking every girls are weaker than you

I won a lot of fights just because I was underestimated

It doesn't matter, then they fight at full potential and get destroyed anyway. Only the ones weaker than me would make the mistake of underestimating me

Anyone strong enough to fight me, know I'm strong, which is normal

I would be a very nice human if I had emotions

Could've been added to the list of 'the greatest humans that ever lived'; no, I'll never reach 1/10th of the requirements lol.

more like 1/1000.

I'm only average in a lot of fields

'master' in hand combat and some blades combat

And that's all

Well, 1/10000

I'm far from Isaac Newton, Sun Tzu, or even René Descartes

Far is not enough, there is no comparaison

Idk why I even said that

Recently I'm realizing that I'm not as great as I thought

Being more rational and intelligent than a lot of people, doesn't mean there's not a lot of people above me

Even being greater than 7.5 billion people leaves 500 000 000 people greater than you

Who is the greatest human alive?

The top 10?

Is there even a way to define "great". I can make a subjective definition, but then it would work only for me. That's not useful to know

I wonder how great I am

Probably far, very far from the top

But very far from the bottom too

If IQ were the only factor in greatness, I would be in the top 0.2%.

But it's not

IQ is a very useful metric, since it's about how efficiently you think and how quickly you process information.

It's not enough to determine if someone is great or not

I need to find a general definition for this concept I called "greatness"

And maybe find another name

It'll be a subjective definition, but I'll try to make it the closest to an objective one

I won't do it now, I should sleep for school

... i go on snapchat to see who sent me a message on this app I forgot I had, and I scroll among tens of vocals that last 3 to 5 minutes

Talking about her argument with her boyfriend that

At least can you write?! We read 4x faster than we listen. (Accurate statistic)

[hot wolf]

I'm proud of my answer! (I translated it with google, too lazy to do it by hand)

"I hope you talked together and that things are better. But honestly, if he doesn’t want to make an effort to understand you, improve your communication, and fix the other obvious issues you’re bringing up, you might want to take a break so he can think about it and see if you can move in the same direction together, instead of going against each other in arguments where you don’t understand one another."

Well, that lacks 15mins of context from voice messages

I'm bringing my own solutions, just summerizing the thought behind her words, and by using what she said herself

It's not my opinion, it's her.

I can't have my opinion by listening to one side. No matter how detailled it is. (Except if I have proofs and context, but here there's none)

But I can help by telling her what she needs to hear. Her own opinion well summerized in a single place

When you have an argument you're confused because of your feelings

When someone help you make a separation between the facts and the emotions, you can take decisions.

That's what I've learned at least.

I'll take a shower rn it's so hot in my room I'll not sleep well