Fragments of my Life 3 [Diary]

[hot wolf]

Is what I need.

How to find a solution ?

I'm not worried about my rank, but I'm worried about my students.

I became 'teacher' last year and have students called 'gakusei' [...] and I'll lose them.

My team inside the clan will be dissolved.

It's a disaster for me.

But I don't want to complain about that.

I don't need to write about that.

I already know what I did, how I lost, why I lost, and what it implies.

I accepted it.

Accepting it doesn't mean I can overcome it and continue as nothing happened.

I need time, as every human being.

Do I consider myself as a human being now ? Ironic.

I just find life absurd

Why would it even exists

I don't want to life, but I don't want to die

I just wish I never existed

Why do they need to put consciousness inside my body?

Why is it me?

Now that I exist, I can't do what I need to not exist anymore. For many reasons I explained in diary 1.

The solution to all my problems is that I had never been born.

Sadly, it isn't something I can change.

Why would I sacrifice to never have existed ?

Nothing.

Now that I exist, I can't cancel my existence willingly.

I can just write.

Others might cry, but I feel too little emotions to shed even a single tear.

"This is sad." I want to say.

But do I feel sadness ?

I just fell empty.

My life is both empty and full.

But I am empty and breaking.

I am a vase in reinforced glass that cracks as time goes.

I break more slowly than any vase, but once I shatter, my pieces can't be melted into a new one. I'll be broken forever.

My life is the liquid inside this vase; inside of me.
Both empty and full. Full, because its content is still entirely contained inside.
Empty, because it’s only a few cracks away from vanishing in an instant.

A cry for help. It would've been if there was something to fix inside of me. Can you fix glass with words ? I can't personally.

I’m alone, and I need to be stronger than my wish to stop wishing altogether.

Why are my speeches about human resilience meant to be if I cannot overcome this situation?

I must embody my words.

I must stand.

"I am neither god or mythical, I'm just a Man" as Odysseus said.

And as such, I have enough will to overcome anything.

I've known worst.

Way worst.

No one was r*ped, assaulted, or killed.
My situation is irrelevant to any of the issues I consider important.

So why do I feel so bad.

"Feel" ? No, I don't really feel anything, it's different. But I get my point.

Emptiness is the worst.

The worst what ? It's not a feeling. I feel nothing.

It's just the worst.

Thing.

Should I feel frustration for not being able to feel anything ?

Or sadness ?

I want to know

Pain is the only feeling I've ever known

Should pleasure be a feeling I know too ? It is. But it brings nothing.

Pleasure brings joy

I feel no joy

Satisfaction too

I never felt that

The only things I've ever felt in my life is me trying to act human.

Maybe i'm an alien

I just try to find absurd explainations to simple problems

I'm just an aberration that should've never existed

I wish I was never born.

But I am.

Why.

Why am I born.

Life has nothing to offer.

Life has a lot to offer, but not to me.

"Everything'll go better in the future, stand and move forward"

Nice advice, I'll give it myself to anyone in need.

But it doesn't work for me.

I feel nothing. What will go better ?

Void cannot be filled.

My heart is not just empty, it is nothingness.

Nothingness can't be filled.

Emptiness can exist, since it’s just the absence of something.
Nothingness is the absence of any possibility for something to exist.
At least it's how I view the definition of these words. No matter if I don't phrase this well, I get my point.

Btw Odysseus says "I am neither man or mythical", I mixed them up

But again, it's not about the words.

I'll... go meditate

For the whole night

I need to take a decision, again

Am I allowed to choose to die ? My arguments against suicide are still too strong.

Why do I need to fight my own reason to kill me.

Why am I a reasonable person.

Because it's the only thing I have of course.

I hope I'll convince myself to die.

But I probably won't.

If the arguments against my suicide are too powerful, no amount of drugs could make me change my mind

As long as I'm still conscious and able to take decisions, I'm lucid.

If I'm lucid, I can't take my own life after deciding there's too much reasons to not.

And to call it suicide, you need to be lucid, or it'll be an accident, or a murder from someone else. Something I can't control.

I wish I could just turn off my brain and do it

It's how they do in movies

They just "stop thinking", and cut themselves

And without talking about suicide, it's also how people take risky decisions

To stay on movies, when someone has to make a big jump to avoid something behind them, with void under them; They just stop thinking and do it.

My mind is unable to do that.

I can only take reasonable decisions. Of course I would jump in this situation, since it's the right decision.

But in another decision where I decide it's not, I couldn't do it.

No matter how hard I want, I couldn't.

Like now with my life.

I need someone to help me, maybe.

But I can't ask, it'll make it an assisted suicide.

As I said multiple time in this diary, the only way I can die is in an accident I can't avoid.

That's the only death my reason can accept.

But there's too much accidents I can avoid.

I will almost never die from someone who actively tries to kill me. It removes a lot of deaths possibility already

I said that in the tournment ninjutsu I would've been dead if my opponent wanted to kill me, but it's not that true.

It was impossible to win following the rules, so I resigned. My reason made me do it.

He won 1 more test as I did, 2:1 (mixed up with another tournment)

One was on pure strength, he won because he's strong.

The one he almost killed me in, was for me the combat style I master the least.

I don't want to share more for now though.

But if I stopped following the rules I would've killed this guy a hundred time.

Why would I do that though, because I'm losing, I get disqualify to kill him ? No.

Sportshipman; even if the stakes are enormous.

I need to go meditate.

I'm done writing to myself for today.

It didn't help me at all. I'm still lost on what to do.

To stop feel this void.

I can't die, can't fill it, can't have never been born.

The 3 solutions I wrote about are not doable.

I'm hopeless.

--
goodnight diary.

[frozen cargo]

hello there

i see i have not been forgotten

it's been long, huh

sorry to pop up suddenly

you're the first person i looked for when i rejoined this server

how have you been?

you can bet i am going to read through all your diaries. I've run out of web novels to read anyway

[hot wolf]

Hey Arlo, it's been a while.

[hot wolf]

Have you read Shadow Slave ?

[hot wolf]

This diary lack of interesting content to read, you shouldn't waste your time, the first one was better.

--
Hello diary. Today I decided to spend more time learning skills. Recently I've reduced my diary writing time, freeing me a lot of time. Though, I don't know what to do with it. I already spent hours every day learning skills or doing valuable hobbies when I was still writing diaries, so I didn't felt like doing it for more time. Yesterday I found myself scrolling on youtube shorts. I'm disappointed of myself. It's always something I've found stupid, a huge waste of time, but I did it.

Starting from today, this morning, all my free time will be spent doing things valuable, and I'll track it. In 1 week I'm in vacation and I'll have full free time, it's the moment for me to NOT waste it.

I started learning drawing yesterday.

15.12.2025 :

Piano : 45mins

• 15mins (learning Golden Hour)
• 30 mins (free play)

Drawing : 1h.

• drawing of Mei Misaki from Another.
• Comment : I got 10x better than yesterday, but it's still insanely painfull to watch. I need to prioritize my learning starting in this order ; [proportions -> eyes -> hair]

Writing : 8h.

• 8 hours (writing 5 chapters of my new story : "Try Again".)
• Comment : I could rewrite chapter 3 by adjusting it after getting home. The story was set on dark fantasy and switched to light rpg-like, isekai-like story. After enduring what she had to go through, it becomes too light. Chapter 4 and 5 are too far from the setting, to throw. Sadly.

Writing time (6h10 + time spent adjusting on Word, searching for vocabulary on Google, ect.)

My drawing :
I will not send that. It hurts to watch.

Right now I'm totally out of energy, my mind is filled with class from today, and ideas for my story. In every thing I look at, I see proportions... I need to sleep my head isn't going well.

[hot wolf]

I'm so tired. Already having a burnout from my decision from yesterday.

So I'm just doing nothing in my bed instead of going to school. Wow very good. Aah...

[hot wolf]

16.12.2025 :

Piano : 2h (+/-)

• 1h30 (golden hour)
• 30m (free play)

__ Writing : 5m __

• Comment : don't want to delete chap 4 and 5 of "Try Again" since it took me so long to write. Bored to have to rewrite.

Drawing : 3h30

• 1h (learning to draw eyes)
• 2h20 (Original drawing using C.C (Code Geass) for the face, Amori Renako for the eyes, and a model for the hair.)
• Comment : I need to learn how to draw hair, it took me 1h20 by itself, and it was a simple model I could copy. I'm lost on how to draw it from scratch.

[hot wolf]

Hello diary.

First, I kept doing the log of every activity I do each day, but in another diary.

Second, I don’t like my current situation.

My stepfather and my mom argued really bad, now they are separating

He is going went crazy by insulting and almost becoming violent towards my mom

Yesterday and today he's been sending myriad of messages to her

Now he's menacing her to commit suicide

I'm so disappointed in him

I maybe wrote a lot about how I hate his unworthy opinion on most topics, that because us to argue a lot, but he was still a valuable person

My mom isn't perfect and she didn't help for this relation to last, and I of course told her when she was acting as the victim (the day they argued)

None of them are irreproachable, both did a lot of mistakes

And even after years helping on both sides on reflecting on how they could improve their relationship, it still ended up failing

But here my stepfather is not defendable

Man he is even sending instagram videos with IA voices about cheating, backstabbing, and manipulation

That makes no sense

With my sister we almost died of laughter by listening to it

"The enemies are behind you."
"The most painful isn't the stab; it's the stabber."
Or something like that

He went down so bad in my esteem.

I didn't know a human could change so much, or maybe reveal so much of its true side, in just 2 days.

He is a trash human, harassing my mom

I don't care about him threatening to kill himself, it's probably fake calls

But he is making my mom sad

I already almost took this decision a few weeks ago, or months, but if that goes on I'll kill him.
I'm scared for my mom

He acts like a victim and thinks my mom played with his feelings for her, et cetera.

So he thinks she is the bad one.

My mom might have thought this too, but after hours of discussion with me telling here to use her brain instead of her heart, and using rational facts, she understood that it's also her fault.

That almost made my relation with my mom very bad since she thought I took his side. But no, as I always do, I'm not in any side. I never defended my mom, nor him. Just used rational facts to make them understand who's is in the wrong and why.

But here, he is just indoctrinated by AI videos. I'm even surprised this is possible. What... Is this a sketch?

If he's threatening to kill himself, (and let's imagine he really thinks it), while also thinking my mom is a bad person that played with him, adding the violence he showed towards her at their breakup dispute, he might also kill her ? He is acting insane.

I can't let live a threat to my mom.

I don't want to go that far over a situation that shouldn't have went any far at all, but I might be forced to

No, there's other solutions but

It's too dangerous

I have no control over the situation

And I'm worried, scared about the future

In addition to the big exam week in 14 days, and the driving license I need to get to be able to help my mom who's getting an arm operated and now has no help because my stepfather is gone, and the three projects in school I need to finish by January 10th, I hate this new year.

I hate it sm.

The question I end up with before sleep is usually "Should I die ?"

But I can't die with my mom so morally down, unable to do anything because she'll lose her main arm usage for months, and a psycopath potentially threatening her life out there.

I might just kill him.

I have nothing to cover it, this time.

Last time I said this, I was confident in my ability to hide whatever happened because the situation

It's not the moment to explain, but my relation with my clan right now is unstable, so I'm alone.

I also don't like murder.

I am not someone who likes to kill, or takes pleasure in harming others. I am the most rational person I've ever encountered for now.

Maybe there's more rational persons, but they have feelings. I don't have a common sense based on feelings. I am purely running on rational thinking.

And killing him is a good decision. One of many, but the easiest to fix this situation.

More like the only solution that ensure my mom' safety.

No matter what I do, only the dead can't take action.

I hope he realizes how embarrassing he is, and this situation evolves in a good way.

My life would basically be over as it means jail for me

It's too sad that in a few days my life takes this turn. But it'd be an even worst turn if it's my mom's life coming to an end.

My words feels too out of the real word here on a screen, so I need to look around my room to realize the impact of it

I realize and mean it

If he's being dangerous to her, I'll do what I said.

I don't want to, but will.

I don't want this diary to become the evidence of a murder so I hope it won't happen

That would be annoying

But I'll probably delete everything if I really do it so it's ok.

My life can take such huge turns in a short amount of time.

A few weeks ago I was trying to understand love

And now I'm planning something I don't want to write again

The only constant thing is my wish that I had feelings.

If I wasn't so rational my life would be way more constant

A normal person wouldnt think of killing someone he spent so much time with, because he threatens someone he likes more.

Or maybe, but the decision wouldn't take a split second to be made.

(More like a few hours)

I hate me

I am a bad person

And I can't change it

I'm intrinsically a bad person, no matter what I try to look like, I'll remain a bad person at heart.

It's sad. But I feel no sadness. I can't.

But no matter how bad, I'll protect the ones I should love.

The one I love.

My mom deserves happiness.

He will die if he continues bringing her sadness.

I am done justifying my decision and explaining my reasoning. I consider this solution the best one according to all the circumstances I mentioned, the ones I didn't talk about, and the one I didn't want to share here. So it's decided.

That's all I needed to write for today.

--
goodnight diary.

Oh, also, I'll reconsider the usage of this diary and never write things like that again. I tend to forget that public means others can read. Sorry for that.

It was better how I used it before.

[ancient sapphire]

You're just a narcissist.

[hot wolf]

That's one way of seeing me.

[hot wolf]

.

.

.

.

.

.

[hot wolf]

I'm certainly are a narcissist, but it only becomes a flaw if I decide to see it that way. I can’t deny that I often put my own priorities first. Even when I act for the people I love, it is because I love them, and I don’t mind hurting others because of it. Still yeah it's still selfishness, since I'm willing to go that far to fulfill my own motivations / my own attachment to the ones I'm trying to protect, in this case my mom.

--
Hello diary.

The situation calmed down with my mom, so I won't talk about this anymore.

I've been doing litteraly nothing for the last couple days

Of yeah I had some driving lessons

I still do insane mistakes and I have my driving test this week

If I fail I'll have to wait 3/4 more months

While my mom is injured and can't drive

I need my lisence

If I don't get it, it's a disaster for our family

We need a car

Someone to drive it, I mean.

The reason I've been doing not much is because this week we had huge snowfalls

Transports are all canceled

So I can't go to school.

Next week is for projects, that I haven't done btw. I need to make a full website on a company we imagined with the people of my group.

I also have to make a full database in SQL, a diagram on StarUML, and make it usable for users on our website

PHP, HTML, CSS, JS. I hate so bad these languages

That's the worst.

I love algorithms. Programming.

For web dev, on this level at least, there's no algorithmic logic

So it's boring

I hate design

Anyway, one more reason I haven't been doing much is my injury

In ninjutsu I got super hurt

There was a big hustle with groups inside my clan. Last year I wrote on this diary how happy I was to become a kind of teacher, and having my first gakusei (student). With this I started to make my own group in the clan, my sub-clan, like everyone else.

The situation was never good because I could have inherited the clan and become its leader, but it is impossible for me because of some issues (search on the diary 1, I wrote tens of paragraphs about this.)

Anyway, the other sub-clans saw me as a threat, and even more when my group got to 15 people.

Last week was the new year tournment, it's one of the most important for the global ranking

I explained that I lost n°1 on the ranking, and it never happened.

So I really wanted to get it back.

I won't explain in details because it's already too sensitive to share infos on this on public diary ig. Even if I'm probably the only one reading it (the future me rereading it), it can be a problem if I share too much, I don't know what Discord does with message logs, imagine if this is used against me in a few years ?

In the group fighting since we're 15, we faced a team almost our number, their were 11, so we left 4 ppl to fight later.

It's not a melee though, It's just 1 o 1, the winner stays to fight the next opponent.

There's usually 2 strategies, depending on the team

Either it's a sub-clan with very deep bound that cares about each other, so they put the stronger to fight first.

The fights are really dangerous, each fight is like the ones I explained in diary 1. We don't fight to death, and death is penalized, but it's not forbidden to kill. It's NEVER worth to kill though.

Even without the penalties on the ranks that we get, it's just a way to be killed by a friend of the person. This is real world

The other strategy if when sub-clans are too big and have hierarchy and all

They just send the weaker one against the sub-clans that uses the first strategy, to make our stronger ones tired, and take some out.

The group we faced was 11; so I was first, and they sent a strong one too.

His name is

no

Nvm

Anyway, he's in top 8 or 9 I don't remember, and he's pretty good ofc.

Like that it looks weak, but he's much stronger than anyone I've seen outside of my clan

Since i'm an elite (term explained in the beginning of this diary or diary 1 "dictionnary"), I realized even more the difference in fighting skills between a normal person and in our clan.

Like, even in normal ninjutsu it's insaen

insane

If we forget our clan, the martial art, ninjutsu, that anyone can practice in clubs, is insane.

It's very unknown, hum well no it's known due to anime

But the real martial art is really unknown, and it's powerful.

Learning to master real weapon and close combat so perfectly makes our people probably the strongest people in this world in term of fighting capability.

If we forget everything using gunpowder, and new weapons technology.

I know how to use a gun though

But we don't really train that

I could probably do a massacre against soldiers with a gun, but I'd still be overwhelmed, it's the problem of guns.

No matter how good I can be, one bullet and it's over

That's why I hate to be born now.

Fighting skills is probably the thing I master the most out of everyone I know to do.

Piano ? Developing ? No, before that I'm someone with amazing fighting skills.

The rest is pretty mid in comparaison

It'd be cool to be reborn in a world with no guns, or just in past

Not in chinese stories "murim" though, martial arts uses too much magic

Wtf I'm going so far from the original topic

Anyway I want to play League of Legends so I'll be quicker

I fought first, I eliminated the rank 9

or 8

I eliminated 6 more, almost killed one by accident, he was so crazy

Like, the man jumps on me, doesn't care about defending himself, and just try to cut my leg

Oh, as you might have guessed, it's the reason my leg is hurt.

Ofc he just cut me. No one would ever do that, it makes no sense.

He 100% did that because he knows I'm against killing for no reason in tournments.

I hate that.

People using this fact to bait me ?

Like, if I didn't lower my kunai he would be dead

yet this man doesn't care because he knows I won't

rip I can't say more without revealing so much more about me

Anyway, after I was out my first gakusei I wrote about in diary 1 finished the job

we did a 2v11 with 1o1 fights, so it's pretty cool

but usually I do it myself.

And [... every other fights until final]

On the final I lost because of the injury on my leg.

It might be an excuses, but I was bleeding as hell and it hurted.

Not bleeding enough to be in danger, but the pain was enough to make me unable to fully fight.

• my movements were really weird

Imagine fighting without your left leg

I lost against someone I've never lost to.

I don't like losing.

I don't like losing when I'm not supposed to.

It's a bad feeling

So I'm N°2.

2 times in a row I failed to make it on the first position

My clan is probably the most important thing to me

I would survive without a family, but not without being in my clan.

That doesn't mean I don't love my family.

But I can rank my love for things I love almost the same. Surprisingly I learned that many people can't do that.

For exemple they couldn't choose well between saving their mom or their dad

If they love them the same

Even with maximal love I'd still make a rational decision, but yeah it's a me problem.

For being weird.

I don't see it as a flaw, again.

No, it is

But on this aspect it's not

Being able to take a rational decision pretty fast is thing everyone should be able to do

Even in critical situations. Either it's because of emotions or danger.

Out of topic, but I increased by a lot my writing speed in english.

And it feels way more natural than before.

I still don't write like a native person though.

It's sad. I'm making efforts to look native but I don't understand exactly how they formulate and when.

I also hallucinate words

"Oh, this word looks like it could exist"

and I just write it. Oftenly it just exists in french, or just doesn't. Does "oftenly" exist ?

Often*

But why it isn't Oftenly in this case ? it could.

It's not because it doesn't exist. But it should.

If I wanted to write "as usual", it would've been "usually" here.

So "often" should be "oftenly".

Anyway, I just need to learn more words too.

I use the same ones again and again

Because I lack knowledges.

I also increased my writing speed in french, and got to my new record in WPM

Word per Minute

I got to 254

I've never thought I'd be able to write so fast

on laptop because the keys are flat and my first computer was a laptop.

My best way of writing is just sliding my fingers on close keys to write faster

I think other people also do this write ?

I have no idea.

I just did a test on this mechanic keyboard to see my writing speed

Just did one try though

It's wayyyyyyy slower

let me OBS it

nvm

Of course when I try to record I just can't align 2 words

120 wpm looks like this anyway

I can't show 240 since I'm not on laptop

btw the song I'm listening to is "Call down the dragon" (the one on the clip so)

First time I listen to it, Added to liked songs

SOo

League of Legends servers in EUW are down, so I can't play azaaaaaah

It's the new seasonj

I don't play a lot, but I need to play rn

I play at least a few games per month to avoid being put to master 0 lp

After inactivity you're deranked after master

I think it's after master

I managed to hit GM again before the end of the season

Sadly challenger looks very far from now

There's way more people than when I played when I was 12

On the game

and people are also better

I have GM level now. I can't say that I still have challenger level.

I need to play more for that

not 10 games per month.

I was so happy to be challenger before

It's sad.

I won't ever be since I have others things to do other than becoming better on a video game

I could probably obtain a really good rank on any video game I started, in very short time, but I'll never reach the best rank.

It's my problem

I'm good everywhere but perfect nowhere.

I envy some people I see that totally master their field.

Like an artist knowing every art subtility, or a developer knowing every informatic term

I'm mid at everyone I start, even after a day I'm not bad, I manage to get "mid"

Then it takes some time to become good

and very good comes very fast after I understand it more

But I can't go any further

I can't be perfect in it, and master it.

Perfection isn't reachable but you can get closer, I call perfection a true mastery of something.

My unability to reach perfection is because I like so many things

So yeah my mind is used to learn different abilities, but not to master them

I also don't have the time to spend on understanding every subtility of something

and that's what makes the difference between "very good", and "perfect"

the small details

you need years and years to understand

I don't have this time or energy, since I'm splitting them into so many fields

Anyway my hands are tired, I'm writing too fast everything that comes my mind

LoL servers are still offline, I have no school tomorrow, but I still haven't worked on my part of the website

so I'm really in deep trouble

Still, I'll wait for LoL to be playable again.

I'm not addicted to the game since I play so little, but I need to do my ranking games at least and grind back to Master 500LP.

I'll see later for GM

But at least master 500 Lp, it's pretty low and people aren't that good still. I can do it fast with 75/80% wr. Like every season before.

Then I'll fall down at 65% when I reach GM

And stay stuck with a 60% wr on mid GM.

I play adc

I don't want someone to find my account so I won't say much but

I'm one of the best Samira WORLD (not only EUW), and a pretty solid player of Aphelios, Jinx, Yunara and Ezreal.

Btw Samira is sooo bad this season

Every item they released is unusable on Samira

• She got her damage nerfed

In compensation her crit damage increased, but not that much. They made it strong in midgame and that's all.

With lower base damage she is weaker early so can't snowball

It's unplayable.

Before master 5 (500 lp), it's pretty easy to just climb with Samira, even in Solo Q

But after ?

No need to even try.

Last season was ok, there were few people doing well with Samira in Challenger

Now...

Mhh well I don't know

Now it's possible to Duo Q in Challenger

So maybe it'll be broken at this elo

But a champ like Lucian would work better.

Benefits from the new season, better early, not nerfed, better scaling

or even Nilah

there's a new item increasing the 3 next autos after ulting

Nilah already is a monster after ulting

She just full heals and oneshot

With more damage on 3 autos ?? 4 autos were already enough to delete entiere teams lategame

now with 6 items and buffed auto...

Not much people play Nilah, but her WR is huge.

The one-trick Nilah really win a lot, a lottt

So yeah, Nilah can become the new Samira, even with the lack of attack range.

Samira is now pretty much useless after D1, or M5 with duo Q. We'll see but, I think it's what will happen. No one will play Samira in GM

And I will also not.

I'll go shower and read if the server stays down.

Btw I'm writing a new story about...

No I wrote enough in this diary for today

Let's stop here.

--
goodnight diary.

[hot wolf]

Bruh my mom said she reconciled with my stepfather

I don't understand

Well, she can do as she wants

But I don't like him anymore after what happened

What is she thinking ?

I'm never talking to him again

And I don't want him to talk to me either

So what is she doing ?

After all that ?

I'll talk to her

She said that to me while on phone with him so I couldn't say anything but "ok"

Like, is she the only person that matters for her ?

How can I accept someone in our family that puts her in danger

I don't want to see him again

Just because she doesn't want to be alone she's putting me in a difficult situation

I've never thought my mom was a selfish person

She never was

Maybe she thinks I don't care

So I'll tell her

If she still wants to be with her, well she can do as she wish

[hot wolf]

I got my driving license, had a car accident with a sidewalk that costed 200€

Got a speeding ticket for 45€

My insurance is 110€ a month

fuel is around 200€ a month

and my scholarship is 300€ per month

so I'm extra poor

I got some money from my mom and my grandmom though

I have...

let me check

462€ left right now

Good ! I'm rich

I can pay more fuel and insurance and be poor again

I already have adult problems

I mean, I don't really care

Money is trivial, but it's good to have some

then I can buy what I want

isn't what I said just pure logic?

Anyway, I watched Kaguya Cosmic Princess and it's the best anime movie I've ever watched

2h movie, best animation I've ever seen, the story is amazing, the plot twist is really surprising and good, it's very emotional, the musics are insane

and more

It released a few days ago

It's on Netflix in France, I don't know for other countries

I need to sleep since I wake up for piano class tomorrow

I don't want to

My teacher's evaluation on the semester report is kinda bad

he says I'm "too chaotic" and that I need to learn more "techniques" rather than playing with feeling

I hate sheet music so I don't know

I don't want to read those

I prefer playing by ear

Maybe my technique isn't that good, but it sounds fine enough for me

I don't have perfect pitch nor relative pitch

since relative pitch needs practice and I'm too lazy

I just happen to like pressing keys and hearing sound, so I learn the notes until I can play a song

then add techniques to it to make it sound better

And finally all the details that makes the song good, like tempo or hum idk what's the vocabulary for this since I don't know any musical theory.

--
As time goes by I realize than I'm not as amazing as I thought

I have a lot of skills, but they for the most, not as advanced as someone with one unique skill

I can do everything "good enough", while there's always people that can do all things I do better than me

Yes, I am a single person that can do a lot of things, but why is it important since there's better than me ?

I don't like not being the best. The reason is because I can be the best.

I just need time, and way less time than most people.

I could be one of the best in (almost) anything I want

But what about the other fields?

it would take me all my focus

And time

I would lose my other skills, or they would fall off

and as soon as I stop trying to be the best, I won't be anymore

That's why in a fight, a single powerful individual is nothing against the power of the might

You're the best swordman so you can defeat the lancer and the enemy swordman, but what about the archer?

Well there's ways, in this specific situation

I don't see any way for mine

How can I be the best everywhere?

The answer is that I can't

that's why I find myself less amazing than before.

There's quite some people I value, and there's a few who's values are really high

I'm just a bit higher since, well, I'm myself?

If you value anyone more than you, you're just stupid I think

But that would need an argumented text, so forget my previous sentence

Some people think I'm egocentric and only think about me

But that's just a misconception, and a lack of willingness to understand my point.

Valuing yourself more doesn't mean others are worth nothing

For me, a person's value is measured by how close they are to my ideal of perfection (it's more complex than that, I think I talked about it in my diary 1). Of course perfection is unattainable, but we you get closer to it.

The reason I value myself the most is because of course, I know what my ideal of perfection is

So I can work towards it

I am miles away from it, and will never get even close to it

That's not my point

I don't think my opinion should even be arguable here, since it's purely subjective

A subjective and justified argument can only be deconstructed if there is a flaw in its justification. Since my justification is also subjective, my opinion is unarguable.

I need to sleep...

I'm still shocked by Kaguya Cosmic Princess ending, so I need some time

I'd like to write a longg essay on this but I already found one on Reddit that's pretty much my vision of the ending

so I won't

And the anime got ultra popular in a few days and will get even more in a few, so I don't want to write about it in a public diary

Litteraly number one Netflix in a day

Like Kpop Demon Hunters

Oh, btw I liked KpDH, but Kaguya Princess is even better, like so so so much better

The musics are less memorable but still amazing

The musics are not even the

No

I said no spoil.

--
I wonder why I feel lonely, when I don't want to see or talk to anyone

I could be with a friend, or at my brother's house right now and sleep with them but

I don't want to

And I feel lonely

It's not so deep though

And since I don't really have feelings, it's more like an impression

At least one time a day I evaluate if my life is worth being lived, and it's way too far from being a "no"

So I must live

A lot should happen so I can even consider killing myself

Like, losing my whole family, my ability to move and my clan

In this case I would happily commit suicide

I don't want to live, but am kinda forced to by my rational mind

It would be the best to be able to take this decision freely

But I'm the one that made a full argumented dissertation on the value of life and death no ?

Yes

Diary 1 PhV 1

#1308145570514473021

ah it doesn't work

@keen badger

aah how does it work

mh

Nevermind, but it's Philosophical Values 1 : "My Vision of Death and Value of Life" for the complete name

It's 3am

I really really need to sleep

It's the weekend and I have to sleep so little...

I can't skip piano class again though

No sleep until 4pm tomorrow

Lol I don't sleep so much anyway

2 hours meditation and 5 hours sleep recently

It's a nice cycle

Way enough sleep; and I reduced my meditation time, as well as my time writing in diaries, since my thoughts are more ordered than before

I'm a ol instead of an ul now

damn I coded too much

This f ing project in school made me relearn html and css, so boring

I'll go

--
goodnight diary.

[gentle terrace]

goodnight janna. hope life does you well.

[hot wolf]

Thank you. Sadly, I now use this diary mostly when I’m unwell, so unwell that I can’t deal with it internally and need to let it out.
Life is a crybaby, sometimes it goes well, and all of a sudden, it can't stop crying, leaving you to deal with the mess.

And when things are going way, way too unwell, comes the moment where the baby stops crying and watches his tired parents that tried to deal with his tantrum. Thinking it's done enough, it's tired, and vanishes into a deep sleep.

[hot wolf]

Hello diary.
Last week I lost another final in the seasonal tournment at my clan

It's been too much loses. It's not supposed to happen.

The guy that beat me is not even good. Another faction of the clan really don't like me and are doing their best to slow me down

The faction I made last year now have 7-11 people (some are unofficial), including my first studen. And now I have 3 of them.

I talked about my first gakusei (student) in the diary 1 when I was going in vacation around July I believe.

Anyway, I'm done trying to be soft with them, they always try to hurt me, and when I'm hurt enough I can't win anymore because of how hard is the last challenge.

--
I lost a lost of my account yesterday, somehow

I'm stupid I have the same password for most of them

But this discord account have a super original password

Not hard to brutforce, but still no way to find it with the password that got compromised

And somehow it got hacked too

Maybe I shouldn't install cracked games

But I wanted to play Bo2 and Bo1

I played that when I was like 7yo

Sooo nostalgic

I didn't play a lot of games in my life

League of Legends, Mortal Kombat, bo1, bo2, bo3, cod mw3, cod ghost, cod cold war, Valorant, and a few other

This include a lot of cod

I played on ps3

I remember my profile on bo2 was so good

I had nice "emblems" I believe it's called, made super beautiful with some glitches

I jailbreaked my ps3, had a modemenu to... I don't remember for what, but it was good

I also played gta5 online
On ps3 was the best part of my life I believe

No it was not. It was exactly when all dramas in my life happened

But the playing part was great

My pc storage is full...

I installed marvel rivals for a friend that kept asking me to play

I don't have time to play video games rn, but I played with him yesterday still

This type of game is so new for me

I never played overwatch

I'm good at adapting and getting better fast on video games though

My best rank on all video games is still on League of Legends

Challenger at 12, but it was easier back then, people were not good at the game

Now people in GM are insane

They know their character perfectly
Same applies to all video games

Marvel rivals is new, so people are bad

Well, Overwatch is the same game so people coming from there should be great nvm.

In marvel rivals, I like the knight in full white that throws discs (dk his name)
Spider man
And my favorite is the girl with a sword that can dash with portals

Humm her name is... magik? I think

She looks like katarina in LoL so it's my playstyle

For now I'm good enough to play in lvl 50 lobbies

I don't understand anything happening in the game, I don't know the characters at all, but I aim well

In this game aiming well changes everything, litteraly

A support can be top dps if he hits all his attacks I believe

Or not far away

I'll train with Magik until I can master her combos and playstyle

Will take me a week or so

If I like the game, I'll try to reach 1 rank before the top rank

As I do on all video games I like

1 rank before the top is like 250-500h playtime usually

Games on Marvel Rivals are sooo short, maybe I can get it in 300h, but I need to understand the game better first

I don't know how good the top players are

I should watch pro games

The difference between top rank and 1 rank before top is so huge, that's why I don't go for top

It'd take me 1k hours probably

I have a lot of games with 1kh still: bo2, gta5, gmod, LoL

But it was when I was young, I don't have anymore time to play so much

500h is ok, I can do it in a year

[hot wolf]

I wish

life was quicker

I have no energy left, faking my interest for life

Everything is trivial, but I need to word it in a way that seems like I care

In family, in public, with friends

I just don't care about anything

And I have to fake it

It's not about how tired I am of faking my emotions anymore. I now lost my interest in faking them.

Nothing makes sense

Why do I exist

Now that I exist I can't unexist

I wish I never existed, but I can't do anything about that

I'm hopeless

Life is meaningless

My heart is emptiness

And my despair is endless

At least no, it'll end someday

But I don't wish to die, now that I exist

I just should've never existed

Someone else could have lived my life

But then that someone would have become like me.

Why

Why do I exist

I don't want to exist

Why do I have to exist

I don't know, I don't understand

Why they did that to me

At least they could have made me a normal human being

They made me be, and gave me nothing

Pain, and cries I can't respond to, because I feel nothing

I'm empty, and I only know it because some describe it as such

I don't know what they talk about

Love? Sadness? Happiness?

I don't know any of that

I just seem to understand it because of how it was described

I don't understand

Why do I exist

Now I can't unexist, I have to live, I need to live

Thinking about it will change nothing, it can't be undone

It can't be changed, it can't be

But I am

I am and I need to forget this thought, or accept it

But I can't

I will never accept that I live

Why do I exist

I never wished to exist, as anyone existing

And I would've never wished for that

I wish I never existed

Why

Why do I exist

Why do I have to exist

The world would've been just fine without me

And will be fine even after I existed and lived for a couple decades

I'm out of energy

I'm not even an adult

And I can't endure it more

I can

I can

But I don't want to

I don't want to endure it more

I wish I could cry

But I feel nothing

I just imitate what sad people would say in my situation

Because I feel nothing

It's a nightmare, if I had emotions, imagining not having them would feel like a nightmare

Possibly

I'm in this nightmare

And I can't get out

I need to live

Why do I exist

Have I had emotions when I was a child?

Maybe I have emotions

Maybe I lost them after everything that happened

Maybe I was forced into this nightmare and can wake up

But I'm tired

I can't wake up

I can't sleep forever, I will wake up tomorrow

And still be in this nightmare

I hate life

I hate everything

I hate existing

And I hate not being to hate

Life is meaningless

I am hopeless

And my despair is endless

It will never end

Time is too slow

Time too short, I have thins to do

Time is too slow, I wish I never existed

Now that I exist time is short

Because I have things to do

A life to live that I never wished to live

is meaningless, but I was forced into this nightmare called life.

Why do I exist

Someone could kill me

I don't wish to die, now that I exist

But if someone killed me

Something I couldn't avoid

An event I didn't plan myself

I would be free

I wish there are no heaven

No hell

No god

No demons

I don't want to exist

I don't want thoughts to cross my mind

I don't

Never existed

I wish I never existed

That's my wish

If I had to ask one thing

It would be for me to have never existed

Why do I exist

Why do I exist

I'd like to cry and be sad, why why why can't I be sad

I am sad

I'm not

I don't feel

I need to sleep

Everything will be better

When I sleep

And meditate

Or I could kill me

I don't wish to die

But I could kill me

Quickly and without thinking

I could trick my brain and pass my rationality

Just tell it to end it, not thinking about what it implies

The pain wouldn't be a problem, I often get hurt more physically

I could do it

But I can't

I can't even kill myself

Because my brain is too rational

I know

I know I can't die

Because now that I exist, I have to live

I wish I never existed

But I exist

I need to accept it

Do it

Do it

Accept it

It can't be changed

Accept it

Why do I have to exist

Accept it

Why

I never wished to

But accepting it is the only way

I need to accept it

Accept it

And don't think

Accept it, and don't think. You can think about it when you accepted it enough to never unaccept it.

Accept it.

Do it.

I can't

I need to accept it

I can't do it

Why

Why do I ask why

That's not how to accept it

I need to

Do it

Die

I wish I never existed.

Accept it and die

Accept it and live

Because you exist

Because I exist

Life is a crybaby. Sometimes it goes well, and sometimes it can't stop crying, leaving the parents to deal with the mess it created.

And when it goes well to unwell

I don't know

I accept that I exist

Now leave me alone.

--
goodnight diary.

[hot wolf]

Well, I was sleep-deprived so I thought too much again.

[hot wolf]

And I'm still tired with how little I've slept

2 hours after not sleeping for 2 days is not enough even for me

[hot wolf]

I've not been doing much in class recently

Right now we're working on PHP, a programing laguage

And I'm just watching animes with my headphones instead of doing something

It's not even like I had the knowledge

Even though I could understand everything in a few minutes

I am not really interested in doing anything

The only interesting way to spend my time during class is to watch anime

But I don't like that either

I want to read, and I can't because it's too noisy

I want to write my new story too

I wrote the whole plot already, I know how it'll go

But I need calm to start writing

The hardest part is to begin

[hot wolf]

4:03am

It's a late hour

I want to sleep but I know I'll have to work as soon as I wake up to finish my school project

Deadline today 8pm

Half done, a lot to do

In my studies, projects are worth more points than exams

You can even graduate by just doing projects and neglecting exams

40% of the note is projects, then 60% is all of the exams combined

So a low note in exams and high note in project is nice and easy to do since projects are made home

Just very long

Need to make a full game

And I'm lazy

I'm not lazy, just in the things I don't want to do

[hot wolf]

I exist.

I wrote a story

It's about a girl who keeps telling herself that tomorrow will be better, although her life keeps getting worse each day. Every bad event is followed by a possibility of hope, then it gets crushed.

It starts as a romcom and ends as a drama.

I don't usually write english stories, it's surprising how much more views english stories gets

I'd be happy if I were writing for others. I'm not. I simply enjoy sharing stories.

One reader said he wanted the girl to find what she was searching for, so happiness

And some other argued with how is going the story

It is “too sad” and never truly gets better, even though it makes them believe it will many times.

I didn't answer, and never answered any message. I write for me.

And even that’s not true. For me? I don’t need it. I’m not even willingly making up these stories. I simply write whatever comes to mind and try to fill in the gaps.

Some reader tried to guess who I was based on what and how I write.

I wish I were like the person he described.

Not being able to feel emotions doesn’t help me much to understand how my writing affects people. I’ve read sad stories, so I kind of understand. Not the feeling itself, but the sensation associated with it… It’s difficult to explain.
From what I know, seeing a character you like suffer can be as painful as seeing a real person you care about suffer.

On the other side, there are people who appreciate my story, and some post comments that should be directed to her, not me, the writer. Do they know she can’t hear them?
Does she know that people support her? That she is a character made up by an emotionless monster? Does she even exist in other people’s hearts?
Every creation of mine exists in my own world.

I wish I could myself jump into that world and forget everything I’d be leaving here; otherwise I couldn’t leave them.

Who would mind if I disappeared?

I am too selfish to care if someone said they would. Even if that were true, would it help me achieve anything?

As time passes, I lose interest in life.

Not that I had much before.

I hate myself for what I irredeemably am.

I do not have enough energy to pretend anymore.

I try, I do my best

Exhaustion doesn’t forgive. I'll soon won't be able to handle it.

Then what will happen?

If I lost the rational limits I’ve set for myself, would I be a danger to the ones I like?

I don’t think so. Still, I can't know.

I believe I've lived long enough.

Since my thoughts make my (happy life) miserable I started playing League of Legends more seriously, just to forget

I asked for my friend to give me his account in mid Grandmaster, and I got to Challenger in 80 games.

It doesn't really matter, but why not talk about something else in this diary

it was once a diary used for positive

Full of the events of my life, my opinions on various topics.

And meant to talk about FoL (Fragments of My Life), important negative events that shaped me, and what I can learn from them.

If one thing matters to me, it's my diaries.

I ruined this one.

I won't make a 4th though.

First was closed because this discord server channel for posting forums changed, and it was closed against my will.
Second was closed because I lost my previous Discord account.
Discord has been the reason for the closure of my past diaries. I never close them willingly.

It's a part of me dying.

--
In 2 days there will be Subnautica 2 releasing. A friend told me.

I don't really have money, and I wish I could save what I have, but he asked me to try and play with him.

Why did I say yes?

I don't have any hope for a friendship to help me be a better person

So there's no point in friendship

There's no point in wasting money for friendship

I did say yes.

I will probably have "fun" playing it anyway. The first game was great.

I don't think getting back into video games, playing piano, and writing stories will help me though.

I believe it’s known to be good to have multiple passions and to be good at them.

Last day I saw 2 people of my age talk, laugh, and another tuple kissed behind the school building

"tuple"..? I need to stop coding. Anyway.

I can also do all of that, but only by faking what I feel, I wonder what it's like to be them

My only experiences with sexual and affectionate interactions are non-consensual

I find everything related to human sexual relationships rather… uninteresting? Disgusting, but not really? That’s something I’d need words in my main language to describe.
That’s probably because of what happened to me before.

However it’s fascinating to see people love each other deeply.

I really wonder what they feel.

I've read a lot, a lot of books. Watched a lot of series, anime, and any kind of media. I know what love should be like.

It’s able to change someone’s deep convictions and make them become what they are not, in the name of the one they love. I wonder.

Would love allow me able to be human?

No, I think I’m wrong. I don't think the right way.

Love shouldn’t be a motive to change, but the cause you’ve never wished for. Change is only the consequence of something you’ve lost control over unwillingly. You can’t change in the name of love if you wished to love just to change.

And yet, I find myself wishing that I loved somebody.

I say wishing for a lot of things

I wish I was wishing for so much

And I wish I could have the wish I just wrote

I'm just writing words I've learned to understand. Does an AI understand what it writes?

...I have class tomorrow. I might need to go. I'll check when I have to wake up.

I can skip the entire morning since attendance isn’t mandatory. Good.

I've given up on college, it's uninteresting

I’ll try to get my diploma by studying a few days before every exam

the longer the studies, the more free time I have

I guess I'll need to find a job and work eventually

like every human

I also get money from doing higher studies

I can pay for car fuel and insurance to go to school. Still, I have my own money before I spend it all.

I made the maths, I spend 8.5€ in fuel each day I go to school

That’s so unbelievably expensive that I redid the math several times, using my car’s exact fuel consumption, the distance in kilometers, the price per liter of the gas I use…

Maybe it's normal after all.

I just don't like the idea of paying 8.5x20 = 170€ per month just in fuel.

and 113€ for insurance.

World is expensive.

I discovered that recently.

It's one more problem I wouldn't have if I died

Not like I care about the consequences of having no money anyway.

My living condition doesn't matter to me. My full world is my mind.

I’m limited to what’s inside me. As long as I have paper and a pen, or anything to write on, my living conditions doesn't affect me.

I don’t say that without knowing. In my clan I’ve lived through harsh situations for “training”.
The most frustrating part was that I couldn’t write.

I still feel pain

It hurts

The few people I've told I feel no emotions asked me if I could feel pain

It's probably because they associate pain with a feeling

like fear of feeling it, anger for feeling it

But pain has nothing to do with how I feel emotionally, even though we say we “feel” pain. I feel physical things, just not emotional ones.

That’s why I hated the only experiences I’ve had with sexual and affectionate interactions. It hurts, it’s horrible, unbearably boring, and the sensation is one of the worst thing I’ve ever felt.

In some stories I’ve seen or read, the girls sometimes still seem to enjoy non-consensual interactions at some point. I think these stories only exist to downplay the guilt and resentment felt by rapists.

I took so damn long to write that sentence...

The worst pain I've ever felt is a stomach injury. I wrote about that in Diary 2, during the ninjutsu tournament, so I'll leave it here.

Or probably the topic I

Nevermind

(FoL A)'s name in Diary 1 #1308129462189035570 tell enough

Lol, when I read back these messages I looked so happy to live

"STUPID PEOPLE" a sentence I've wrote so many times

--
Tomorrow I have a one-hour class since I skip morning, so I’ll go there, listen to vocabulary “noises” I didn’t even know a mouth could make, and go back home. I literally do not understand a single word at any point in this class. It’s cybersecurity, networks, and stuff like that.

I wonder when I got so stupid.

Failing or not understanding is usually unknown to me. Recently I've been losing and failing a lot.

I failed to get first rank in the ninjutsu tournament; failed an exam I thought would be easy; needed so many games to reach Challenger in LoL; failed to understand the basic feelings of a friend and hurt him by accident; failed to thank my mom for everything she does for me, and only realized yesterday that I haven’t been nice to her; and more.

I’m not a good person; I feel inhuman and I don’t feel emotions. On the other hand, I am skilled at everything I try to do, a fast and smart thinker, and good-looking without effort. At least, that’s how it should be.

If I lose the only few things I have for me, what will be left

I already don't have what's more important

I'm just reaching the natural limits of my understanding and smartness

At some point any genius in shows start failing because of their confidence and lack of work.

Like Sheldon

What was my point again?

I lost myself

Time flies, there is no way I've been writing for 2 hours now.

If I can't rely on what I thought made me someone different, what will I even do with my life

What do I want to do with my life?

I don't want this life, and I wish I was dead, but it's there

What do I need to do

Why are there no working tutos for life.

It would be so much easier if I could be irrational for one moment and take my own life

I can't

I tried to think about it this month since how bad I am, but it doesn't matter how I think about it. I can't convince myself that death would be positive.

Now that I’m alive, there are too many issues in dying. Why do I even keep writing this?

I wrote this like 50 times in this diary

I need to write more about sexual related stuff, that disgusted me. In my private diaries

I'd like to write it here but it's...? So weird to write this

Wait, no, why don't I write how I want to? Why do I even care? What...?

I don't understand myself. I'll need hours of meditation again.

Is it because it's a public diary? But why would I care, it's not like there's people reading, and why would I

Is it shame? I don't feel such things, so probably not

I think it’s because I’ve soiled this diary too much. It doesn’t feel like my property anymore. It feels like writing on someone else’s wall.

Yes, it is that. In Diary 1, I wrote about (FoL A) without any problem, and it's so much more sensitive

It’s hard to keep an organized flow currently

I have so much different thoughts in my mind at the same time

Every sentence of mine could be on something different

I need to play piano for a bit.

I've learned "Hanezeve Caradhina" from Made in Abyss season 1

It's an amazing song

of course, links are still not allowed here.

It's just for me to find what I'm talking about if I read this again anyway. I don't think I'll forget.

But still

full name on youtube is: Hanezeve Caradhina (Sunrise theme in ep1) - Made in Abyss OST [Piano] / Kevin Penkin

Of course it's from Animenz. I only learn piano versions from him.

I struggle with the part chorus part at 2:20

His voicing is way too good

My melody sounds weak compared to his 3rd hand voicing

His melody is crystal clear

Of course. He's not Animenz for nothing.

Alright nevermind, I played enough. When I can't play something I like perfectly I just spend hours trying to figure it out, but it's late right now.

The hardest song I've tried to learn is Chopin - Etude Op. 10 No. 4 (Torrent)

It’s not that hard if you learn it slowly and then play it faster. But I can’t reach full speed. And anyway, I haven’t learned it entirely, I just wanted the beginning and the coda.