#idk, tabras journal ig

1312 messages · Page 2 of 2 (latest)

brisk sigil
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or maybe

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i just wait for the winter

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it's easy to sneak out at night

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especially if I wouldn't have to come back

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red and white is a pretty combo

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but i don't want to ruin the pureness of the snow

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with my impure blood

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everyone would notice

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my body

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no matter if they saw or not

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a giant impurity

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where there's only the pure snow around

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too bad it barely snows here

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i would want to go like that

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i think

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but my bed will have to do

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i'll just use white sheats

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maybe

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i will.

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i think

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im not sure

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i would like to cry.

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why can't i make it work

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because im a failure

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i am not deserving

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of even just the simplest form of relief from my troubles

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tears

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even my tears would be impure

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im not sure

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i don't know

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I really don't

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let me go.

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please.

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i don't want anybody telling me to stop.

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"think about it"

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i can't

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i can't think

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i can't know

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i can't remember

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i can't understand

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i can't.

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i

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sometimes i wish

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people i know would read this

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i don't want them to

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i don't know.

minor ruin
brisk sigil
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it's my birthday today

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i think

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idk

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also

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my dog got cancer

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should've been me fr

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but man

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im getting worse and worse

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at feeling

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emotions

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emotional decay or something

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i should feel so much

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but i can't

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not that i don't want to

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it just doesn't happen

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i should be happy because it's my birthday

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i should be sad because my dog is dieing

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but

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i can't

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i wanna cry

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but i can't

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i try to cry

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often

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almost daily

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but

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i can't

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i can maybe get out a maximum of 5 tears

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and then

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nothing

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i don't even feel sad

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not like that

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i just feel

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idk

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nothing really

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but i do still

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im just not sure

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i think

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despair

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that's probably it

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but just despair

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no sadness with it

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just

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idk

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i can't do this shit bro

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it's not gonna get better, ik that damn well

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life gets worse

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the older you get

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people tell you to "enjoy your youth" all the time

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i can't even do that

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so it's just gonna get worse

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sometimes i see these tiktoks

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something like

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"we all got that one homie that does..."

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"we all remember doing ... with all our friends in 4th grade"

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"we all have that legendary gc with everybody in it"

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"remember in 6th grade when we all used to... with our friends"

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i hate those

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it makes me realise

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wow

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nobody's ever actually liked me

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like i know that nobody fw me rn

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but i thought

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that i had friends in like primary school atleast

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but turns out

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no

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i can't relate to any of these things

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i've never even had a best friend

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i wouldn't need more than that tbh

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i'd be fine with just having one friend

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but i don't even got that

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i mean

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i can't blame people

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i wouldn't wanna be my friend either.

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i don't think i'd do my friends justice If i had any.

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"remember when i 7th grade..."

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all i remember

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is that i had to follow you around like a fucking dog

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and the worst part is

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it doesn't even bother me

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i would still be doing that If they hadn't randomly cut me off

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and i'd probably be content with that

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i hate myself for this.

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am i really that desperate?

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for just any type of mutual affection that i'd let people treat me like that

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?

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yes

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honestly i would

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idec

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man people could hit me or verbally abuse me i'd probably still hang with them aslong as they atleast pretend to like me

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but again.

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i am the only one to blame here.

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there's reasons nobody fw me

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it's ok.

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even on the internet nobody truly fw me

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ik there's people saying like "oh i fw you" sometimes

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but its the internet

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and the only times that happens is when i talk about this

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that nobody fw me

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they don't genuinely do like me

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it's just a reaction to what i said

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so they can feel better about themselves

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like they did something

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and i appreciate it

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but im not stupid

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i can see through that

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whenever i use any social media i also get crucially reminded of this

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i see people with like 200+dms from 20 different people

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i don't think i've even had dms with 20 people since i've downloaded discord

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or i see people on like tiktok or twitter talking about some "i always instantly message my mutuals and try to contact them" and shit

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this never happened

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to me

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and i doubt it ever will

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i think i once said "i wish people that like me would read this",

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then nobody would be reading this anymore

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i doubt anybody is actually reading it now anyways

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so probably nothing would change

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i can't even talk to people about this

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they always immediately go "noo, i like you though"

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...

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cmon

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i know you don't actually

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why lie to me

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im just a random ass person on the internet

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you don't know how I actually am

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people are never the same irl as they are on the internet

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you can't say you like somebody when you don't even truly know them

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fuck man

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but i can't even feel sad about this

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I want to.

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but

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i can't.

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fuck

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fuck

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fuck

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fuck

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fuck bro

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fuck

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im a fucking failure at everything bro

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fuck

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there's legit nothing im good at

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i can't even do fucking small talk or shit like that

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"what do you want to do in the future",

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i want to fucking die

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stop asking me that fucking question

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i don't know

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i don't know

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fuck.

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shut the fuck up.

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i don't fucking know.

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"don't you ever think about your future"

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"don't you ever think about x, y and about life?"

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no

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no

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no

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no

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i don't.

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i can't

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i fucking can't.

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my brain stops me from doing so

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thank god it does

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everytime i have to think about this stuff

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It makes me want to fucking shoot myself on the spot

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or cut

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or anything really

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as long as i feel it

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i've been clean since janurary

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lwk

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who gaf

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it doesn't fucking matter

brisk sigil
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i give it max a month

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until i cut again

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i just been getting worse and worse and worse

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for now i can still use other methods

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just hitting my thigh or tummy like a sandbag works pretty well

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or hitting a schoolbook or just any hard object against my head

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i get both the feeling of letting it out on something

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but also the pain

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i deserve

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it's a bad pain though

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it's blunt

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it doesn't really do anything

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maybe it delays the inevitable a little

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fuck

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why am i even saying this

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it doesn't fucking matter

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If anyone wants to get me a nice present for my birthday today

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I'd take a gun

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or anything

minor ruin
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happy birthday

brisk sigil
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im genuinely not gonna make it in live

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i'll give it like a few more years or some and If im not rich in my twenties i'll just kms

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fuck this shit man

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i might aswell be dead now and nb would even notice this shit deadass so funny how nobody fuck w. me when all i been doing is fund these fuckers for two years straight cause they spent they money on dumb shit

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and they just fucking drop me

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fuck they ain't even drop me cause i was never actually apart of them

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mfs invite me out, all sit on the opposite side of me and just talk to eachother and be on ig

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and then they tell me about some "we actually didn't bring money could you pay today"

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knowing damn well i had to

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and then when the whole group meet they just single me out and jump on me for every single little bit of shit like the fucking vultures they are

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mfs used to shame me for fucking existing

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and i ain't even had the fucking dignity to block them because im too fucking desperate

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they just randomly kicked me from all the gcs and shit

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can't even blame them

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cause im lwk pathetic asf bro

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i be too desperate for any type of relation man

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i'd take them back bro ion care if they fake friends that shit still something yk

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and now i gotta hang w these people from my class

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but they genuinely just afwul fucking human beings

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i fucking hate them

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but ik If i stop hanging with em they'd ruin my rep

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i'd rather hang from a tree than hang with these people

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istg

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they so full of hate

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ik damn well they be probably talking all kinda bs about me behind my back

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especially considering the bullshit they already be talking about in front of me

brisk sigil
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talm bout some "why don't you go meet up with your friends"

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because they despise me😂😂

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my mom deadass asked me about some why i got no friends anymore

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saying shit like "how can you not be bothered by the way you be living" and shit

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you lwk my 13th reason bitch

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i hope yk that

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but ik you don't

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idfc bro

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she ain't deserve this shit

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like she probably good

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but im not deserving of that or some shit idk😂

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she always just crashout on me for everything

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even though ik my siblings probably done this shit too when they were my age

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but noo

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they was all the best possible kids or some shit

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and my sister be even jumping on that shit my mom says sometimes

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mf you almost 21 and still don't got a job or study anything and u still live with your parents your 1.1 average don't mean shit

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im telling y'all the second i graduate im moving out of this fucking house

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but i probably ain't even gonna make it this far

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all these people just can't fucking leave me alone

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fuck this shit bro all these people

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fuck them all

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what'd i do bro

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they ain't even bad people

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but they all bad to me

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can't blame em

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cause im a fucking bad person i deserve that shit

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they probably even too gentle on me

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the one memory i got i really wish my dad had just beaten the fuck out of me there i would've fucking deserved it

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and there's probably so much more

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but i don't remember

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i don't remember anything

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that's cool

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it's like nothing bad ever happened to me

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ignorance is bliss or some shit like that

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👼

craggy valley
minor ruin
brisk sigil
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ay

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i could be so cool

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like

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fuck damn

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i got potential

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If it weren't for myself and evryb around me

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i'd alr be rich ash

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or some

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idek