I've been feeling quite interesting recently, like my mind just feels empty, not in a corny way or anything, but I struggle forming exact thoughts for some reason. Like I could just look at a wall and not think, which I don't really mind, its just something i've never been able to do before. feels interesting.
#idk, tabras journal ig
brisk sigil
brisk sigil
They put my favourite remix on Spotify, I can finally stop using soundcloud 🙏 🙏 
atleast one good thing that happened today
I gotta try being positive more often
who gaf about shit i think, but if its positive everyones happier
brisk sigil
Just woke up, we'll see where today goes
atleast no school
So I can just do nothing all day
brisk sigil
I need a low-effort hobby that doesn't require skills or takes long to learn
I don't think that exists though
brisk sigil
I should get a minijob, it's a great way to waste my time
brisk sigil
Summer is such a bad season
I hate it
Long ass holiday and people expect me to meet up with like other people my age
but they don't wanna meet me
meh
It is what it is
I can't change that
warm briar
Keep pushing through, I'm happy you're still okay and fine
last light
I need a low-effort hobby that doesn't require skills or takes long to learn
Tell me if you find anything interesting
brisk sigil
Tell me if you find anything interesting
not really, that's why i'm looking for a hobby
last light
Yea same cus I got time but I'm too scared to join a guitar class
brisk sigil
i'd like to be able to play Piano, because its cool ash, but I don't want to learn it
brisk sigil
gotta referee for some 8-year olds soccer tournament today, I don't really want to, but I'm getting paid, soo
I can't complain
brisk sigil
I don't think something like a lesser evil exists. It may be an evil less relevant to one, but it's still an evil. Its the evil easier to ignore for you, but does that change it's evilness?
I wish I could think in my sleep
There's so much fascinating stuff and theories and shit to think about
but I just don't have the time or energy to think about all that
brisk sigil
and I wish I were able to allow people insight to some of my thoughts
so I wouldn't have to try to explain things with my limited language knowledge
but could instead directly show them what I mean
brisk sigil
I hate school
I don't wanna go today, but i've already missed so much stuff this year
So i got to
brisk sigil
actually got a somewhat decent score in my german exam, idk how
thought it'd be way worse
but my handwriting is ugly ash, like a third of the mistakes I got marked were just because my teachers can't read what im writing
brisk sigil
Im hoping I can still get a ticket for my favourite artists tour
I mean I still got some time
Sold out as of rn, but surely some private people gonna offer theirs because they're busy
brisk sigil
I still need some place to do an internship at
because my school ruled that it had to be in a job that is more about socializing and working with people
but I don't wanna work there
Im not a big fan of too many strangers
brisk sigil
I really dont wanna do that, im thinking about just not doing it and going to a class a year below in that time
they said that's what you have to do if you don't get one
brisk sigil
I hate homework
pointless shit
Like fr
anyone that is doing it is just using like chatgpt or something
So what's the point
im not learning either way
brisk sigil
I love Brian cox, really cool guy
brisk sigil
I wish I were religious sometimes
seems like a nice thing
but I don't wanna risk falling in some kind of religious psychosis
Or having biased opinions on topics simply because of my religion
tbh if I would actually become religious i'd choose either buddism or the Islam
christianity is cool and shit
but just idk
not really for me
but like just having something to believe seems cool
I wouldn't be strongly religious or anything though
I'd still allow myself to have opinions on things
Or disagree with my religion
radiant granite
but like just having something to believe seems cool
belive drugs arnt real
brisk sigil
I don't think that belief would be able to lead me through life
And it's not religious
Was thinking doing it just to have like some kind of guide on how to live my life. Ofc not gonna completely follow it, but as inspiration or shit, yk?
And while I feel like buddism is certainly the most chill option, it just doesn't really provide that kind of guide
brisk sigil
Im tired
and my whole body hurts from being sick
I don't wanna anymore, just let me sleep for a few years
brisk sigil
My hair is so cooked
its so over
Gotta go bald at some point in the next 10 years
My hairline looks like the McDonalds logo
I got some gray hair
And its overall super thin and shit
Idek what im doing wrong
brisk sigil
Elections start in 6 hours
idk
im a bit anxious
Idk what to expect
and like the only coalition that seems like it could be ok with both partys sucks, no one really wants it, not even they themselves
minor ruin
im a bit anxious
same 🥺
but think positiv and hope
minor ruin
and like the only coalition that seems like it could be ok with both partys suck...
yeah sadly true
brisk sigil
hm
idk how to feel about the results so far
really depends if another party manages to get into the parliament
it sucks sure, but it could've been worse ig
it could always be worse though
There is no absolute worst
there will always be worse
brisk sigil
Linke 8% is pretty good for what was expected though
But heard bsw demand a juristic Investigation
Since there were problems with germans from other country voting
brisk sigil
man
idek anymore
all of this shit pointless
nothing really ever happens
nothing matters
brisk sigil
I hate duties
and having to go to school and shit
Just let me sleep
for the rest of my live
I'd be the happiest Person ever
idfk
brisk sigil
im having so many moodswings recently, it's annoying
brisk sigil
At the end we'll have to accept that no one is a truly good person
though everyone should strive to be
brisk sigil
Does anything even matter
brisk sigil
Can’t wait to move out
But ion wanna wait that long
If I had the money id be moving out rn
brisk sigil
I dont even know anymore
Im not even suicidal or anything but ending my shit sure does sound nice
Not like it would truly matter
Though neither would staying alive
fml
I can’t even express what I truly feel
Everything and nothing great and miserable
And
So on
brisk sigil
Honestly I just need to get off my shit
fck it
I ball
I actually dont
Man ik that I should stop giving a fck about what people say but I just can’t
idek
brisk sigil
I finally got my replacement phone today, actually got a whole new phone I thought they were only gonna fix whatever the issue was, but i'll take it ig, my front camera was broken anyways, I won't say no to a free upgrade
would y'all say a macbook is worth it? Im thinking about buying one, since I already got an ipad for school so I could use some of the programms on there aswell. Or are there better laptop options, since it is kind of expensive
onyx flame
A wonderful day to you!
It seems to be, that you have a hard time currently.
But there are people who care for you - who don't want you to "sleep forever".
So try to think positively. Maybe read some positive things from your Journal.
Such as the free phone you received.
brisk sigil
man
ion know anymore
one second i'll be aight and trying to better myself and shit and like 20 mins later its over again
my mood changing way too quickly
Im struggling with accepting that i'll never be someone
But I gotta ig
though
What's the point even
I just needa move out asap
I doubt i'll feel any better
but its all i got
I gotta wait for that atleast
If that don't change anything its over and i'll just go
idk
either
kms
or move to like rural china and just chill
but its still so Long until my parents gon let me move out
I don't wanna wait
brisk sigil
man
i lwk just need to get my bread up but idk how
people saying money can't buy happiness just straight up capping
Money is everything
same with like looks don't matter
they unfortunately do
brisk sigil
i don't even think anyone is reading this, but this just gonna be my plan for now, either I get rich, wise or i'll kms if neither works
brisk sigil
fml
brisk sigil
istg I just need a gun man
It ain't worth it
one day I feel alright and I think im getting somewhere
but Im never getting anywhere
No one would gaf lk
If only I were living in america
Its hard to get guns elsewhere
And I don't wanna try another method ans potentially fail
yknow
I ain't never making it in life anyways
so why stay
I'd just be a waste of resources
go big or go home
and we all know I defo ain't ever going big
brisk sigil
I can't even cry
I really wanna
But I haven't been able to since like two years
max i'll get is like 7 silent tears, and then it just stops
not that I don't wanna cry
I feel like I want to
but
It just doesn't work 
brisk sigil
fml
brisk sigil
it's all my fault anyways
I hate all ts
Summer about to start aswell, its gonna be so ass
brisk sigil
spring holidays
suck ass
i aint even gonna lie, i'd rather go to school
I hate school, but still better than just doing nothing for two weeks
and having to act like i got friends but they just don't got time infront of my family
no one wanna hangout with me, who am I kidding
brisk sigil
i hate it
brisk sigil
ok
so
here's my five year masterplan
do my shit
and if I ain't rich in 5 years
end my shit
or just randomly If I feel like it
idc
brisk sigil
Back here again
somehow
for some reason
I hate writing this
more like
I hate that I am writing this
Why do we write or say stuff on the Internet?
for attention
in only writing this because im attention and validation deprived
so instead
I write shit on the Internet
that no one gaf about
In hopes to be what?
idk
why do I do this
Why didn't I delete this? I said I probably would, didn't I?
but
apparently my urge for attention is stronger than me
no wonder
i hate that it is
why
why
just why do I strive for the attention and validation of people that don't care
Why don't I stop
Because im weak
In disgusting
I don't get validation irl
so I need to talk myself down on the Internet in hopes of people reassuring me that im not wothless
honestly
Disgusting behaviour
but writing here
it Just feeds into this again
the downtalkig
it just seems like desperation for attention
it us
is
i don't want it to be
idk
Im sorry
I wanna cry
but I can't
Its annoying
idek how to describe it
saying something like "I've become numb" sounds corny
I just
I can't cry
I want to
really
but it doesn't work
i get out like a maximum of five tears
then it just stops
not because im feeling better
just
idk why
i don't know anything
highkey
I don't want to live anymore
at these times I wish I were american
So I could just easily aquire a gun
and blow my head off
It wouldn't even hurt
I'll end up dead one way or another
so why is suicide so frowned upon?
If a person doesn't want to live, what's the problem with letting them die
assisted suicide should be way more popular
It should be possible everywhere
Without long waiting times
what am I even saying
I need to be gone
im a terrible person
I deserve nothing
And it will never get better
It won't
stop fantasizing
really isn't a movie
or a book
it will not get better.
thats for a fact
either you suffer
or you give up
I am weak
I give up
why not let me?
It will never ever get better
we are all terrible people
minor ruin
every deserves attention 🥺🤗
thorny coral
We are a reflection of the narratives we tell ourselves. It's understandable to want to be seen by others, it's the desire for connection not just affirmation.
brisk sigil
every deserves attention 🥺🤗
Like anything attention should be earned. And being pessimistic on the internet is not a valid way to earn it
I write here
because I have no other way of getting it
I should have
but I don't
minor ruin
because I have no other way of getting it
and thats okay🥺
minor ruin
I should have
yes i wish you would have, but it's okay 🥺💕
we are here to help
thorny coral
Human connection is not earned, it given through time and attention. There not right measure for it.
brisk sigil
atleast I am aware
at the very least
minor ruin
you are not weak
thorny coral
If your desire to be seen is a weakness than we are all weak, but seeing a universal property that exists in all of us to some degree as a flaw will make the world seem broken.
We aren't broken, just as you aren't. We all need others to see us, and that's okay.
brisk sigil
Human connection is not earned, it given through time and attention. There not r...
And it shouldn't be forced. But this is a "mental health" server. People are not only reading this because they want to, they also feel forced. they are here, and If you're here and trying to help people, you'll always feel slightly pressured into it. Even If you don't realise it, you are. By writing here I am pressuring people to pay attention to me. "Ohh look here im so miserable and I hate myself" people with basic emphathy will feel like they need to help. They affirm, but they're affirmations are lies. I know that, yet I want them, why else would I be writing here? how low have I sunk, being dependent on the validation, the attention and the affirmations of strangers? I know all of them are lies l, but I still seem to want them i choose to believe in lies, or atleast try to do so, because I am too weak to accept the reality of existence
brisk sigil
If your desire to be seen is a weakness than we are all weak, but seeing a unive...
the desire itself isn't a weakness, its human to feel these needs. Its the way I go about fulfilling that desire, that shows my weakness
thorny coral
People are more complex than broad generalizations, sure it may be true that some fall into the narrative of forced lies in their attempts at outreach. But there are many more reasons why someone would take time to interact with you. You aren't a burden, you're a peer, the same as everyone that longs for a connection here.
It seems you feel dependent on the attention of others? Why do you think that is?
brisk sigil
It seems you feel dependent on the attention of others? Why do you think that is...
because I am writing here. In my opinion that alone shows that I seem to want attention. why else would someone write on the internet, If not for the attention one gets? No one here knows me personally therefore I don't think they can truly care about me, even If they say so. I am aware of that. I know that no one really cares at the end of the day. But I am only here because other people are here, that will pay attention to me if I write here. If I were the only person on the internet, I wouldn't be writing this, because there'd be no one to pretend to care about my words. Just people responding are giving me the attention I seem to be so desperate for. Would I still be typing now, If It weren't for the people replying to my original statments? likely not. I am only staying because I am getting the attention. And it disgusts me that that is all im here for
also, I apologize if my grammar isn't too great or if some stuff sounds a little confusing, im not native
thorny coral
Why do you want attention though?
Don't worry about it, your thoughts are conveyed just fine.
thorny coral
And it shouldn't be forced. But this is a "mental health" server. People are not...
You said earlier that: "choose to believe in lies, or atleast try to do so, because I am too weak to accept the reality of existence."
brisk sigil
Why do you want attention though?
I suppose it is human to want attention. Any type of contact with other people or animals is basically just a form of stilling that need for attention, along with other needs the majority of people feel, like the need for connection. people in total isolation often go crazy, because they themselves cannot feed their need for attention
thorny coral
That can certainly be true. It's not a bad thing, but being dependent on the affirmations of strangers can make you feel like you don't have control over your own life. Is there a place or group of friends you have in person were you're seen and acknowledged?
brisk sigil
no. That is probably why im taking it to the internet. I do not have a real control over my own life, the only bit of true control I have is having the possibility to end it. Everything else isn't or is only partially under my control
thorny coral
Having self control is hard, I've found in my own experience pressuring ourselves to take back complete control is too daunting of a task. Sometimes taking the reigns of ones life, means taking small actions that can accumulate over time. Something as simple as making your bed, cleaning up your desk, or deciding to forgo a vice for the day can have reverberating effects overtime.
Life is long, we change over and over, and our perspectives shift in unexpected detours. Taking your life is a permanent solution to a temporary feeling. Those extreme feelings are not invalid, but there is a potential future that exist where you're grateful to be alive.
brisk sigil
It is impossible to have full control over your life though, unless you're like really rich. If not, the major part is pretty much ruled by society or your government, you don't really make the main decisions, you might be able to control smaller decisions inside these big ones, but not really any that matter too much. The "permanent solution to a temporary problem" is also just something I don't really get. A permanent solution does sound pretty appealing, matter of fact thats what I want. It isn't just the solution for your present problems, it also prevents you from ever having problems again
steel mortar
@brisk sigil I've read most of ur journal
I js wanna say, stay strong man and it gets better at one point 💪
brisk sigil
does it though?
People always tell you it does
but I know enough people that it never got better for
you just learn to adapt
to live with ut
because that's all you can do
steel mortar
Want the real answer?
It does, you just have to build your way into it.
You have to finish school, get a degree, work your ass off while getting a degree
Then work a good job for 10-20 years
Quite a long process
brisk sigil
and honestly I don't think i'll be able to do that
thorny coral
There's many ways to live a life, there's no right way to find fulfillment.
The world we each live in is dependent on the narratives we're given, and the ones we construct for ourselves.
We all have more autonomy than we're aware in perception, perhaps imagining your world from a foreign perspective as an exercise might open up different avenues of approach for you.
brisk sigil
I don't even know what to say anymore
I might aswell just die rn
who gaf
defo not me😹 ✌️
im not gonna achieve anything anyways
who am I even writing this for
brisk sigil
I might aswell just die rn
I would NOT be remembered
after a year or some i'd prolly be forgotten by everyone
except for maybe my family
but they don't count
cause they don't gaf about me rn
and only would if I was gone
maybe
maybe not
idk
If I were one of them I wouldn't care
icl
I can't even blame them
I do nothing
i doubt anyone actually cares about me rn
highkey
as soon as I get a car or some im gonna go hug a tree with it
i wish I was american
i could just easily get a gun
I've said this before didn't I
I could probably also just go overdose on something
but that'd likely be pretty painful
so my number best options rn would either be the rope
or
like
breaking into my fathers car and getting some narcotics
There's no high buildings close to where I live so that one's out
and like
i don't think i'd be able to suffocate myself
doesn't work
because even If i'd get a pillow and press it on my face real hard
I'd pass out first and the grip would weaken so i'd just breathe
knifes
eh
too painful
and prolly messy asf
what else we got left
hm
nothing really
it's not like im gonna pull through anyway
im weak
disgusting
i can't pull through with anything
not even this
I don't have any control
over anything
not even the end of my life
because im too weak
intolerable
disgusting
and to worsen it all Im ugly asf and not talented in anything at all
wow can't wait to go study some useless shit after school and then go on to work a job that will be replaced by ai sooner or later and that's barely enough to pay for rent and bills🥰 ✌️
so excited
wooooo
and then when i retire i'll have to collect bottles or something
because the pension is way too low
unless you're verbeamtet
And then ill die at 70
having lived a meaningless and uneccesary life
knowing its all my fault because I was too weak to just end it earlier on
wow
that's gonna be great
or maybe i'll get forced to enroll to fight some stupid third world war that is inevitable
die for some billionaires
wouldn't that be exciting
I need to be gone before 20
i deserve to be
I deserve to have peace
be happy
and at ease
don't I?
i really really wish I owned a gun
sometimes I can kind of resonate with these desperate students in america that go on a rampage. It's not like I condone their actions. But I kinda get it. A little bit atleast
if I owned a gun I obviously wouldn't use it for that though
just for myself
that'd be enough for me
gotta stay humble
or something
I need to stfu
what am I even saying
I sound like some cornball
I'd probably hate myself If I were another person
i already do that though
I don't care if others hate me
but I myself do
And I can't fix it
other than by removing myself completely
I hate everyone else too though
But I hate myself more than I hate anyone else
I still think im better than a lot of people
Just for being self-aware
that im a terrible and disgusting person
And deserve nothing but death
brisk sigil
i really really wish I owned a gun
It'd be so easy
like
one small finger movement
and you'd be happy
forever
no regrets
No other people annoying you
Just nothing
eternal peace
for my soul
and nothingness for my mind
sounds good
"permanent solution to a temporary problem" yeah you know what that sounds real good
a permanent solution for not just one but ALL of my problems? I'll gladly take that
thanks
I don't get why people are so against suicide
it's everyones choice afterall
why do you care whether im alive or not
why can't you let me rest
why is it a bad thing to want peace
assisted suicide should be free and easily available for everyone
If someone wants to be gone
why let them suffer
I don't get it
If you want to die, what's the problem with dying
why are people so against that
guess why the scandinavians are some of the happiest people in the world?
because they also got some of the highest suicide rates
what's the problem with letting someone that really wants to be gone go?
it's their live
so it should be their choice
and no one else should have a say in it
or try to convince them
away from it
but for some reason its still such a taboo thing
Like you could mention on here that you want to die and there's a high chance someone would go something like "noo please don't m, we care about you🥺" no tf you don't
why lie about it
why
what's the problem with just letting someone have the peace they want?
why pretend to care
why pretend to be bothered by ones potential abscense, when both of you know you couldn't give less of a shit
no one's gonna read this shit anyways, why do I even bother to type here
minor ruin
no one's gonna read this shit anyways, why do I even bother to type here
i read it, i always read it. Just mostly don't have the energy to answee or don't want to bother you
minor ruin
Like you could mention on here that you want to die and there's a high chance so...
i care about you 🥺 and i mean it
if i wouldn't care i wouldn't be here for such a long time
thorny coral
Just as I cannot know your mind and the weight of your feelings, you cannot know the deep impression you have on others. Suicide leaves devastation in its wake, it irrevocable changes everyone around you. Those that love you will never get over your departure, but try to find some way to manage those permanent open wounds.
brisk sigil
i read it, i always read it. Just mostly don't have the energy to answee or don'...
I really appreciate it
minor ruin
completely agree🤗🥺🥺
brisk sigil
Just as I cannot know your mind and the weight of your feelings, you cannot know...
it might deeply hurt others, but so does my presence. Im a bad person anyways. I'd gladly transfer my struggles into their grief. I'd be dead, it wouldn't matter to me anymore
brisk sigil
yeah, thanks for reminding me
minor ruin
good night, sleep well.
amd i don't think you are a bad person 🥺💕
brisk sigil
im getting nowhere
i never will get anywhere
I don't like being sentient
why can't I be a plant
One of these dune grasses at the danish coast
or a cherry tree
swaying in the wind
nothing
forever
all these people on social media
I hate them
all of them
with a passion
be quiet
leave me
idc about your skincare routine
I will not be able to "escape the matrix" by buying your stupid course
I don't give a fck If I have a "recessed maxila"
what even is thst
"how i escaped the system and bought my first penthouse at 19"
shut up
please
just
shut up
don't tell me
i will never do that
why would I care
I'll never be anyone
go tell it to someone else
I can't hear it anymore
im sick of it
"You're breathing wrong"
"How to glow up this summer!!!"
"17 year old daytrader making 200k in classroom"
"If you don't do this or that you're wasting away your life"
i know
im sorry
stop telling me
i don't want to hear it
please
why are you acting like that's achievable for me
"First house at 21"
that's not achiveable
leave me alone
im tired
of everything
and everyone
just let me sleep
forever
it'll be fine
brisk sigil
got one tomorrow
politics
I don't really know the topic
whatever
doesn't matter
i don't even know how im still holding up in school
I barely do anything
but somehow all of classmates are just even more stupid than me
my teacher told me If I was in her other class i'd be the worst student there, but somehow im top 5 in my class grade wise
but it doesn't even matter
I could fail school
who gaf
not me
thorny coral
You're future self may care. You have a lot of avenues open to you, but as you grow older those opportunities close.
Can you see yourself in a life someday were you're content?
brisk sigil
I mean were in a time where education really matters less than ever
I don't wanna graduate, study for 4 years just to get my job taken by an ai in the next few years
it's just not worth it
the smartest thing to do rn would probably be doing something with ai, since it's still somewhat new
it'll be the new "If only I had bought bitcoin back in the day"
but realistically a lot of jobs that aren't that important will be replaced in the next few years
Take news reporters
thorny coral
Education at it's core is about expanding your understanding of the world and giving you tools to act within it, that will always be relevant. Jobs and money while no doubt important are by-products of that process. Trade jobs may be a good option or as you said working in tandem with AI. But trajectories aside, is there a life where you believe you could be content? What does that life look like?
brisk sigil
Yeah, but that isn't the type of education you get at school
schools just try to prepare you for jobs
but they can't even update their curriculums as fast as they'd need to nowadays
Man i'd love to just chill
but you need money to do so
i'd be content with a nice little house somewhere in like rural china or japan or iceland or something
and then just chill there
maybe get a cat
some houseplanta
and just do stuff i enjoy all day
idk
not work
just
idk
but in order to do so
you need to be rich
and lets not kidd ourselves here
i'll never be
i'll just be some system slave
less valuable than any of the data I produce
thorny coral
If you know where you would be happy, why not try and learn how to build that life piece by piece? I don't think you necessarily have to be rich to create what you describe.
brisk sigil
in order to not work i'll have to have some sort of financial freedom
but idek
If i want this
it's probably just a delusion
because it sounds nice
but it probably isn't
i'd probably be lonely and shit regardless
There are a lot of scenarios that sound nice
but all of them are unachievable and probably just sound nice, they aren't actually nice
brisk sigil
it's probably just a delusion
js making myself believe there's something that could really make me feel happy not just temporarily
and by making it something that's unachievable anyways
I can just keep excusing myself
by saying
thats I could be happy If I had the methods
but I probably wouldn't actually be
brisk sigil
because in the end i'll have to be the one to make myself happy
nothing material can truly make you happy over a longer period of time
brisk sigil
because in the end i'll have to be the one to make myself happy
but I can't
man
i js gotta accept that
life ain't great for everyone
and ig
it just ain't great for me
thorny coral
because in the end i'll have to be the one to make myself happy
I hope that's something you'll achieve.
brisk sigil
thanks
brisk sigil
what's left to really live for
everything's going down the drain
everything
I don't even wanna imagine what it's like like 50 years from now or something
brisk sigil
bro
what am I even supposed
to do
it's only gonna get worse during summer break
ion got rl friends
nor any interests
nothing
bro
I'll just rot
brisk sigil
everything's so pointless
nothing matters
i hate all of this shit
idek
how to speak
my head is so full
but it's so empty
just full of nothing
it's like heavy
but nothings there
I don't get it
Nothing matters man
I could just die
wouldn't matter
well I wish I could
i can't
brisk sigil
i genuinely can't do this anymore
bro
i
i don't even
i fucking can't
all of this shit
it's
all
way
too
much
minor ruin
you can do it🥺
i know that sounds stupid now, but i know you can do it. Even if you feel like you canz, and you are not alone We are here for you🥺🤗 you don't need to go through that alobe
brisk sigil
you can do it🥺
i know that sounds stupid now, but i know you can do it. Even if...
i appreciate it
minor ruin
i appreciate it
always 🥺
brisk sigil
man how's it almost june
it was april just yesterday
I don't like summer
i don't really like any season
Winter is better than all of the others
but it still isn't great
I wanna cry man
it feels so good
but i fucking can't
I can't even do basic shit
why doesn't it work
i was able to do it before
when I was younger
why doesn't it work
minor ruin
I wanna cry man
it's okay, it's noz your fault🥺 i can't cry either, it's just what we learn, even if we want to. People around us often say only children cry and so on, so it becomes diff
difficult *
brisk sigil
hm
minor ruin
brisk sigil
man
everything we've ever really done ended up negatively impacting us
we woulda been better of sitting in caves
and just chilling
it's june already
crazy
brisk sigil
we woulda been better of sitting in caves
but who am I even kidding, at the end of the day my misery is entirely my fault and it's up to me to either fix it (which im too lazy to do) or just ignore it and sink deeper into it
minor ruin
you can fix it🥺
don't give up on yourself
brisk sigil
i could, but I won't
I want to
but
idk
it doesn't work
I want to do so much
but i end up not ever doing anything
so ig it's better to just give up
why delude myself with some "it'll get better over time" when it's solely depending on me whether it gets better or not
it's all up to me in the end
and I just don't got what it takes
simple as that
nothing i can really do about it
other than accept it
minor ruin
so ig it's better to just give up
no🥺
keep going
whats the worst tvat could happen? you already don't feel good. You can give up in some years, but it's too early to give uo yet
brisk sigil
I just can't man
i can't
i can't really do anything
the only thing im good at is sleeping
and being sick
idk
there's no point man
nothing matters
for me
i only do shit because other people want me to
hell, im only alive because other people want me to do shit
i don't think they actually care too much whether im alive
but
aslong as I am they'll always want me to do shit
man
I hate all of this
I just gotta be gone
i'd be happier that way
and people always say they want you to be happy
so why stop me
I always do so much for other people
why won't y'all let me have that one thing for myself
man
this whole place is shit
and it's all our fault
we shoulda never evolved further than settling down
anything after that was just
bad
and for every good thing we actually did, we do so much more stupid shit
man sometimes I wish like idk three quarters of the world population would just die out
maybe more
i'll even be a part of them idc
but all we ever did to this planet was shit
because we are inherently evil
we all shit
and i don't wanna be apart of this shit anymore
it'd be better
for earth
for myself
for everyone
man
fuck all this
minor ruin
i'm proud of you 🥺🤗
minor ruin
brisk sigil
man
idek
i hate all of my classmates so much bro
they should js leave me alone bro
why do they even care
js mind your own business
why go out of your way to bother me
what'd i do
im not even doing anything and they still trynna involve me in some shit
worst thing is I gotta hang around them during breaks, cause If i'd be doing anything else they'd see that and talk even more shit about me, i can't risk it man
but honestly fuck these guys
all of them
they always be talking behind peoples backs and all
they all Fake asf
only thing they're useful for is telling my parents i got friends at school and i js don't meet up with them because they live elsewhere
but ion think they're really believing that anymore
i got summer break soon
it's gonna be so ass
rot inside my bed for 6 weeks straight
exciting.
brisk sigil
but honestly fuck these guys
but who am i to talk bro
im a terrible person
and i prolly deserve it anyway
shit, i'd too hate on myself if it weren't me
man i can't do this shit no more
gotta try to finish school and after that i'll try to dissapear man
one way or another
it doesn't even matter man
give me a gun rn i'll blow my shit straight off istg
it's either that or die in an inevitable ww3
and i'll kill myself 100 times before voluntarily going into war for "my country"
people really fighting for ivnvisible lines
it all in y'alls heads
i don't get why anyone would ever want to join the military
brisk sigil
im not even depressed or shit
but like
If you js look at the current state of the world for a quick second you'll see that the best thing you can really do rn is just end yourself
so i gotta do that asap
only kinda sad thing would be how much of a waste my life was
so many resources, wasted on nothing
I wish i could like transfer my live to a dying child or something that really wants to live and all
minor ruin
🥺give yourself a bit more time, you can do something for others
idk volunterr, help people so it wouldn't feel as a waste. It's not a waste
brisk sigil
it wouldn't change anything really, i can't cover up the fact that I am a bad person by doing good stuff and acting like I changed, I know damn well I ain't
people can change for the better, yeah, but not me
cause man nothing i do has any actual impact
nothing anyone could ever do
actually matters
my life js shit and it's all my fault fr
so i am the one who should be blamed
people will always try to tell you that that's untrue, that it's not your fault and all
but they know its a lie
so why do they say it
are they scared of admitting it actually can be ones fault
?
acknowledging that would mean that you'd also have to acknowledge that some things are js your fault
idk
man
at the end of the day we all are bad people
there's no way to be a good person
just less bad than others
brisk sigil
Last day of school before summer break tmr
w
tmrw
idk
how to feel about ut
i mean
i don't have to go to school
that's good
but I don't wanna be at home either
so
that's not very good
and I can't even get out bc my parents kinda know i got no friends, so it'd be pretty weird if I js said im meeting up with someone
man
idk
there's just nothing happening in my life
nobody fw me
can't even blame them
ion think im a very likeable person
i wouldn't fw myself either if I were someone else
lwk
a few days agi
ago
when i took a nap
i actually remembered the dream I had
for like the first time in 3 years
i would've preferred not having it though 😔
it wasn't
something i would want to dream
brisk sigil
.
got summer break now
and got my report card
missed about 20% of all the days we had school
not too bad
no school
is good
but
I don't want to be at home
fuck man
what can I even do
both suck
as ootions
brisk sigil
sometimes
I think
but
then
i
I don't remember
it's not like i forget
but
i don't remember
it's not the same
well it us
is
but
it's different too
istg
i can't do this
idk what
all of this
i can't
im not meant to
i
can't
js
kill me already
brisk sigil
im confused
that's all i am
really
idk anything
it's not even anything in particular im confused about
i just am
idk
everything
but like nothing either
idk
idk who or what i am
and idk who or what i want to be
idk how or what i feel
idk
idk
idk
idk
i don't remember
i don't know
i don't understand
i don't.
I
idk
what
what am i even saying.
does it even matter.
would it change anything if i knew?
it would
probably
maybe
maybe it wouldn't though
it wouldn't
not in the end
nothing does
in the end
i been thinking
but i don't remember
what it was
about
im just
there
im not even existing.
not actively
i don't
know
I don't know
i don't know what i want
i don't know what I wanted
i don't remember what I wanted
i knew
but i don't
anymore
i want to die.
but why?
I don't know
have i forgotten?
do i not remember?
did i ever know?
I don't know
i wanted to buy a gun from some russian guy off of tg
but the whole thing is kinda sus
i don't want to risk being scammed.
i don't have that much money.
but i think
i would want to own a gun
i'd probably shoot myself
i definitely would
but maybe
not immediately
it's like that one scene from family guy with brian and stewie trapped in the bank vault
maybe it would help
and if it doesn't
what would change
does it matter if i go by gun or by rope
or anything else
no.
and i want the gun.
i want it before i move out
i want to have my parents go to check out the weird loud noise from my room
i want to see them repainting my walls
white again
like snow
i like snow
i think
im not sure
it's innocent
pure
unlike me
maybe
i'll be apart of the snow after my death
if I had a choice
i'd want my ashes to be dumped in the snow