#One of my first attemps pls give feedback

3 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

ionic arrow
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"You told me to move on
But how can I when my heart beats your name
You told me to not expect a future together
But how can I when all I want is to be by your side

Did you not understand how deep my love was
Did you not realise how much you impacted my life
Did you not think I would be in pain for you
Did you not imagine how deeply I would yearn

Did you think I would move on quick
Did you think you wouldn't linger on my mind
Oh sweetheart, how wrong you are...

You plague my mind day and night
Endlessly, relentlessly, overwhelmingly
Again and again
Until I collapse on the ground in surrendor to God
Begging Him to let me have you
Praying so hard for us
Crying, gasping, sobbing for a future that may or may not happen

Thats where the torment is
Not knowing if me and you are meant to be
Not knowing whether you were a lesson in my life or something more

My love, please tell me you feel the same..."

last river
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The emotional sincerity of this poem is its strongest aspect. It feels very raw and vulnerable, especially in lines like ‘You plague my mind day and night’ and ‘Until I collapse on the ground in surrender to God,’ where the desperation becomes almost spiritual in intensity. The repetition helps create the feeling of obsession and lingering heartbreak.

One thing that could strengthen the poem further is incorporating more imagery and specificity. At times, the poem tells the reader about the pain directly (‘how much you impacted my life,’ ‘how deeply I would yearn’) rather than showing it through concrete images or moments. More sensory or personal details could make the emotions feel even more immersive and memorable.

The repeated questions work well emotionally, though varying the sentence structure occasionally could make the rhythm feel less predictable and give certain lines more impact. Similarly, in places where multiple emotional words are stacked together (‘crying, gasping, sobbing’), simplifying to one especially vivid image or phrase might make the emotion hit harder.

Overall, the poem captures longing and emotional uncertainty very effectively, especially the torment of not knowing whether the relationship was meaningful destiny or only temporary.

ionic arrow