#paper boats

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silent ibex
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paper boats-
sail them on paper waves,
on oceans colored
through lonlier days

build now a current
teach the wind where to go
forget not a horizon
for you need somewhere to row

and it'll work - mostly,
if you pretend it be true,
the sun will then shine,
shine will the moon

if it feels like a dream
rub not your eyes,
for you will see the folds,
the half erased lines

go back to sleep, perhaps
wake again at noon,
if rumbling are the rain-ly clouds,
maybe it is now monsoon

next they fall-
atop your drifting craft
next it sinks,
fore and aft

oh there you are,
soaking in the downpour
the oceans dissolve to a pulp
like you knew they would before

and there you will be
standing lame,
in a world you knew
was made up anyway,

edgy cradleBOT
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mental dome
#

@fair sapphire

surreal marlin
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First stanza
Third and fourth lines don't really add much emotion to the poem.
The third line feels like it's missing a word.

Second stanza
Perfection . Love the imagery

Third stanza
Last line feels a little clunky.

Fourth stanza
Amazing

Fifth stanza
Add a comma after "perhaps"
Should the last line be 'a monsoon' ?

Sixth stanza
Works great

Seventh stanza
Add a comma or hyphen after "downpour"
Love the rhyming couplet

Eighth stanza
Perhaps change to

And there you stand,
Questioning everything,
In a world you knew
Was fabricated anyway.

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  • @silent ibex hope this helps :))
silent ibex