#Not decided on Name, But here it goes.

33 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

lusty sandal
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Falling/ for the sight, cloudy sky
Falling in the waves, where am I?
Catching air, before water rises
too late, it's in my eyes,
Should I close them, or should I
Before I could, a voice strikes
Where am I? in the waves,
But now the sun sheds light
The voice has moved, guess so will I
while holding tight, the air I caught
The motion moves me back and forth
oscillating to the shore,
Where the voice is. I thought
Now I stand on the shore,
With sand and South facing toes
with my back towards more/ Falling.....

Like falling from the sky, Raindrops
An angel without wings, how so?
Seven motions all in one, Rainbow
Splash. That's all.
Guess beauty is a dream.
Let go, I couldn't help but scream,
"Hold on!"
Shaky, even failed to catch air
But is this right? Being ray of light,
That I can save, that I can be
I try to look back, now the knot is weaved
No, you shouldn't fight the waves,
This nature's treachery, I can't let it be
I can't let it be, Angel's smile is all I see,
Raindrops on my feet, blurry, like a dream
Beauty, I, have to leave.

lusty sandal
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@barren juniper have fun, I'm still planning on changing this a little, but hope you enjoy it, and nitpick if you feel like it, I'll only grow from it.

cursive ferry
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So I find the poem to be very disorienting. It is very hard when you're going into the poem to make out exactly what is going on, but I could still tell what the poem is about and what it's going for. The form itself is falling from the sight, right from the cloud sky, falling into the waves, and then you're asking, 'Where am I?' Then you have the slash after 'falling,' which factors the first word, which is very interesting. You're like plummeting into this depth, and it's very unstable, syntax-wise, and questions are asked and then immediately you just leave them without answering them, and the sentence is cut off and stuff like that: kind of a very harsh, disorienting quality that I am noticing here. And the angels and the rainbow itself in the second half is quite well shifted from drowning into something more hallucinatory or something more grand. You say, 'an angel without wings, how so? Seven motions all in one rainbow.' The angel might be something like a lifeguard or a coast guard or a keep guard, like a rescuer maybe, or a figure that you as a speaker is trying to save you, right? And the rainbow suggests kind of the rainbow of Noah, right, where the flood ends and he can finally start living his life, and that's what I am seeing. And return to action where you say, 'let go,' I could not help but scream, 'hold on.' This is very kind of terrifying, and the ending itself is a very quiet and kind of resigned ending, which separates it from the rest of the poem. Feedback-wise, I think I really enjoyed the opening slash that you have; 'falling from the sites' is a really good and bold formal move that you have there. I also really enjoyed the phrase 'oscillating to the shore,' and the other thing is the blurring between yourself and the other, it's quite well done. And I like the final lines as well.

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'Beauty, I am have to leave', and the soundscape here as well is very good. 'Splash', that's all really, really interesting, kind of mimicry of the subject matter through the sounding rhythm. I would suggest that you do use a little too many slashes in the poem, that it feels like you're using it as a crutch instead of actually using it as an excuse to just do the poem as you see fit. And then the lines 'where am I,' the repetition--it is there in very close succession, the first one being disorienting and the second being answered by, quote unquote, 'in the waves,' which feels slightly redundant to me when I was reading it. Also, the line 'nodded in weaved passage', it's really, really tangled; the syntax is like all over the place, and I think you could work on that. And the angel simile there as well, I will say, is a little bit too generic for my taste, and I would replace it with something more specific, right? But I see why you picked an angel, and I, me personally, I wouldn't know what else to say but 'angel.' And I would also suggest you find a title, since I can tell this is a work in progress. But these are all my suggestions. Thank you for sharing."

lusty sandal
cursive ferry
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I assume

drifting gazelle
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A suggestion would be to utilize punctuation more

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Punctuation can help you control breath and rhythm more, and can help strengthen the poem's disorienting syntax

cursive ferry
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agreeded

drifting gazelle
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I really love how this poem is structured

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I'd also flag specific lines for being generic(?) but I wouldn't focus on that, since it's more of a nitpick and the poem holds them properly anyway, but I say it's worth noting out especially in future works

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Like:

Guess beauty is a dream.

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Overall can't suggest anything more than that as the poem is already solid: it would really pop out and I would love future works like this especially with a varied collection of punctuations

lusty sandal
drifting gazelle
lusty sandal
drifting gazelle
# lusty sandal okay, also can you point out specific area where punctuation work is needed

Might rework areas like these, as a QoL and personal preference:

Like falling from the sky, Raindrops
An angel without wings, how so?
Seven motions all in one, Rainbow
Splash. That's all.
Guess beauty is a dream.
Let go, I couldn't help but scream,
"Hold on!"
Shaky, even failed to catch air
But is this right? Being ray of light,
That I can save, that I can be
I try to look back, now the knot is weaved
No, you shouldn't fight the waves,
This nature's treachery, I can't let it be
I can't let it be, Angel's smile is all I see,
Raindrops on my feet, blurry, like a dream
Beauty, I, have to leave.

Rework:

Like falling from the sky, Raindrops
An angel without wings, how so?
Seven motions all in one— rainbow
splash—that's all—
Guess beauty is a dream.
Let go, I couldn't help but scream,
"Hold on!"
Shaky, even failed to catch air
But is this right? Being ray of light,
That I can save, that I can be
I try to look back, now the knot is weaved
No, you shouldn't fight the waves,
This nature's treachery, I can't let it be
I can't let it be, Angel's smile is all I see,
Raindrops on my feet, blurry, like a dream
Beauty, I—I have to leave.

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I will also typically go further and add punctuations at the end of every line (except enjambment), probably with a dash or a comma

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Maybe also:

Before I could, a voice strikes:
"Where am I?"—in the waves,
But now the sun sheds light,
The voice has moved, guess so will I,
while holding tight, the air I caught;

cursive ferry
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oh we are editing the poem?

drifting gazelle
cursive ferry
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icy

drifting gazelle
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It's a matter of personal preference really, I regularly use semicolons more and I would probably spam them here if I was this poem's author

lusty sandal
drifting gazelle
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Punctuations are essentially just telling you how long to pause

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I spam semicolons since back then they are the only punctuation marks other than the stops and the comma that I can use properly

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Since they're essentially longer commas

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And even longer semicolons are em dashes

lusty sandal