#500 miles

18 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

nimble hill
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listen to 500 miles by Peter, Paul and Mary

What does heaven have that I don’t?
Arms of many,
Warm and longing,
Bared and bruised.

I gave you peace,
Silence of all,
Decorated and organised,
Neatly subdued.

You were my home,
My time consumed,
Torn and cluttered,
Memories that loom.

So now I wonder-
What I must do,
For you to hear
my heart ache loudly,
For me to be with you.

Must I cry to the skies above,
Perched on my knees?
Swallow every storm you brewed
To hear you calling back to me?

Must I break beneath your gaze,
Bend until I bruise,
Carve myself to fit your hands,
And still be left to lose?

I have worn myself to the bone
Whilst you looked for a sweeter truth,
While I stand here earthbound,
With nothing left to prove.

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@ruby elk @plush furnace

woeful tiger
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Your opening line is brilliant and sets a powerful premise. However, the description of heaven's arms as "bared and bruised" feels a bit contradictory. Usually, bruises imply earthly trauma, while heaven implies perfection or healing.

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if you want i can help you fix it :3

nimble hill
woeful tiger
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You have a loose, evocative rhyme scheme going, but in a few places, the rhythm stumbles, which disrupts the emotional flow.

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in stanza 3: home / consumed / cluttered / loom. "Consumed" and "loom" are slant rhymes, which works, but the line "Time consumed" feels a bit grammatically forced just to fit the sound.

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and stanza 4

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The sudden shift to shorter, broken lines ("For you to hear my / heart ache loudly / For me to be with you") disrupts the grand, sweeping rhythm of the rest of the poem.

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to fix it

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you need to do is try keeping the line lengths consistent to maintain the poem's driving momentum. For example, collapsing stanza 4 into more balanced lines:

So now I wonder what is left to do,
To make you hear my heartbeat break,
And pull me back to you.

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if you want i can tell another point too :3

nimble hill
woeful tiger
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sorry my grammar is bad hehe

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Read the poem aloud to yourself. Wherever your breath hitches or a line feels a syllable too long, truncate it. You have a beautiful grasp of longing and resentment—trust your ability to use specific, physical words to describe emotional wreckage.

unique flicker
woeful tiger
nimble hill