Saturn

[proven nova]

You’re a moon to my Saturn,
Your radiant elegance makes you different from all the others.
From your brown hair to your thighs that shine like the northern lights
Your gorgeous hazel eyes, pupils that orbit around my mind
Please, won’t you take me by my hand and tell me
How do I brighten my stars?
To this darkness that consumes me, like the vacuum of space
I need an impact, as the one that formed the Lonar Lake
So, close the distance, whether you are lightyears away
And bring upon that burning sensation, that you are here to stay
To arise from the ashes as new day, where it's just you and me
With no cosmic event to stray us far, and the truth
You’ll always be there no matter where you are.

@clear wren @twin tide @runic ridge @distant folio @flat crescent @pine junco @chrome ginkgo @ember bramble

[proven nova]

@radiant lion

[radiant lion]

ey mate

[proven nova]

Ey

[radiant lion]

From your brown hair to your thighs that shine like the northern lights

i love this line alot

well written poem

[runic ridge]

SAME

[vagrant jungle]

This feels very earnest in the best way possible. The poem wears its admiration openly, and the cosmic imagery gives the love this huge, celestial scale like the speaker isn’t just attracted to the person, but gravitationally pulled toward them. There’s something sweetly dramatic about it that reminds me of someone trying to describe emotions too large for ordinary language.
The strongest aspect is definitely the recurring space imagery:
Saturn,
stars,
vacuum,
lightyears,
cosmic events.
Because the metaphors stay thematically connected, the poem feels cohesive rather than randomly decorative. The line:
“pupils that orbit around my mind”
is especially nice because it flips the usual orbit metaphor in a subtle way instead of you orbiting them, their eyes become something constantly revolving within your thoughts.
I also think this section stands out emotionally:
“To this darkness that consumes me, like the vacuum of space
I need an impact, as the one that formed the Lonar Lake”
because it moves from admiration into emotional need. The Lonar Lake reference is honestly pretty unique too it gives the poem a more personal identity compared to using only common cosmic metaphors.
And the line:
“close the distance, whether you are lightyears away”
works well because it captures longing in a simple but effective way. Space becomes both romantic and isolating.
The ending has a comforting sincerity to it:
“You’ll always be there no matter where you are.”
After all the cosmic scale imagery, ending on emotional reassurance rather than grand spectacle was a good choice.

If I had one suggestion, it’d mainly be about tightening a few phrasing choices so the imagery hits more cleanly. For example:
“thighs that shine like the northern lights”
has strong visual ambition, but compared to the more elegant planetary imagery elsewhere, it feels slightly abrupt tonally. And:
“To arise from the ashes as new day”
could maybe flow more naturally with slightly smoother wording.
Overall though, the poem succeeds because it feels genuine. It’s romantic in that wholehearted, almost starry-eyed way where the universe itself becomes the language for affection.

Just my thoughts.... i will look forward to more

[silver tree]

@vagrant jungle is now following @proven nova.

[proven nova]

I appreciate your input a lot, and I’m glad you enjoyed it thoroughly.

[proven nova]

@orchid orbit

[orchid orbit]

i like iy

love the nothern line line

so romantic

peak