#Happy Face - Moon

38 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

compact hollow
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Look over,
cameras pointing
at you.

Getting in position,
a juicy meal
at the center.

With a click,
heart sinks
below the surface.

Before the snap,
the attack
of polarising flash.

Smile wide,
bewitch
the raptors.

Don't let their
frowns
get to you
like Monday blues.

It's not hard
to pretend
all sunshines
and rainbows
turn into
front page magnets.

Hollow eyes
stitched to
photogenic masks

See?
Everyone's got
their smile
functioning correctly,
why can't
you copy
exactly
as I do?

Publishers scramble
like flies
buzzing around.

Our minds
like a good trick.
Since realism
brings a pity party
from hell
to life.
Careening raindrops
in salty ravines.

Trembling hands
don't make
for a good
balance.

Fidget,
miss the cue.
Blink,
the sun
wears down.

Hypnotized
from cotton candy skies.
Corrupted minds,
an infestation at play.

Failure
is sin,
betraying god
is against
natural order.

A warzone
in my head,
fighting the urge
to break
into two
like dry bone.

Sprung to the limits,
I spit out the mold.

And create my own.

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compact hollow
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gleaming widget
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This poem feels chaotic in a very intentional way like the speaker is trapped inside a performance they no longer fully believe in. The photography and media imagery create this atmosphere of constant observation, where smiling becomes less an emotion and more a social obligation. The opening already establishes that discomfort immediately:
“a juicy meal
at the center.”
That line turns the speaker into prey before the poem even fully begins. From there, the cameras stop feeling harmless and start feeling predatory, almost animalistic, especially once the “raptors” image appears.
What I found most interesting is how the poem connects performance culture to self-erasure. Smiling isn’t presented as joy here it’s mimicry. Survival through imitation. Lines like:
“Everyone’s got
their smile
functioning correctly,”
make emotion sound mechanical, like facial expressions are machines people are expected to operate flawlessly. That wording is honestly unsettling in a really effective way.
The poem also handles overstimulation well. The fragmented structure, short phrases, and rapid image shifts create this constant sensory pressure flashes, publishers, cotton candy skies, buzzing flies, trembling hands. It feels mentally crowded, which fits the theme of public image and internal collapse colliding together.
And the final section is where the poem really sharpens into rebellion:
“Failure
is sin,”
followed by:
“I spit out the mold.
And create my own.”
That progression works because the poem spends so long showing conformity as something oppressive and psychologically corrosive. The ending finally rejects imitation instead of begging to survive within it.
I do think some metaphors compete for attention slightly because the poem introduces many strong concepts very quickly cameras, predators, religion, publishers, infestations, warzones. A few transitions feel intentionally disorienting, though at times the density slightly weakens the emotional focus

compact hollow
gleaming widget
# compact hollow is it good overall....?

Yea but i would say that some of the metaphors are competing kind of maybe try triming a little because there are so many strong concepts introduced so quickly it kind of feels a liitle shoking.
I would suggest maybe working on transitions for this one

compact hollow
gleaming widget
# compact hollow which parts do you think could i trim down?

These are the sections I think could be reduced or condensed:
“Googly eyes
binded to
photogenic intellects.”
This feels a little less precise than the surrounding imagery. “Photogenic intellects” sounds interesting stylistically, but emotionally it’s harder to grasp compared to the predator/camera imagery, which is much clearer and stronger.
Also:
“Unspoken manual,
filled with
cosmic secrets.”
This line sounds poetic, but it’s vague enough that it briefly interrupts the momentum. You could either cut it or replace it with something more directly tied to performance, imitation, or social expectation.
This section could probably be tightened too:
“Publishers scramble
like flies
buzzing around
sloppy seconds.”
The “flies” image works, but “sloppy seconds” slightly changes the tone into something more cynical/comedic than the rest of the poem. Unless that tonal shift is intentional, trimming this might make the atmosphere more cohesive.
And honestly, I think this part repeats ideas the poem already established:
“Masters
of their crafts,
all
seemingly follow
in line.”

compact hollow
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do i just cut it? or.........

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compact hollow
gleaming widget
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Yeah, this is noticeably stronger now. The poem feels more focused and tonally consistent because you removed some of the lines that were pulling attention away from the core atmosphere. The new version keeps the pressure, artificiality, and psychological tension much tighter.
Replacing:
“Googly eyes
binded to
photogenic intellects”
with:
“Hollow eyes
stitched to
photogenic masks”
was honestly a really good decision. “Hollow” immediately reinforces the emotional emptiness running through the poem, and “stitched” makes the performance feel forced and physically attached to people, almost surgical. It also connects much better to the later ideas of conformity and imitation. “Photogenic masks” is clearer and more emotionally resonant than “photogenic intellects.”
Cutting:
“Unspoken manual,
filled with
cosmic secrets.”
also helped the pacing a lot. The poem now moves more naturally from social performance into psychological collapse without briefly drifting into vaguer abstraction.
And:
“Publishers scramble
like flies
buzzing around.”
works better shortened. The image feels cleaner and more hostile now. It keeps the scavenger-like feeling without the tonal distraction.

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I also think:
“Everyone’s got
their smile
functioning correctly”
has become even more central now that the surrounding clutter is gone. That line genuinely feels unsettling in a subtle dystopian way, like emotion has become mechanical compliance.
The ending lands harder too because the poem no longer feels overcrowded before it arrives there:
“I spit out the mold.
And create my own.”
Now it feels earned rather than just stylistically cool.

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@compact hollow i realy like that u listen to criticism in a positive way 👏👏👏

compact hollow
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oh thanks lol

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im usually somewhat self conscious of my stuff

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and i often have a habit of comparing my stuff to more... "well-written" works.

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heady pine
# compact hollow Look over, cameras pointing at you. Getting in position, a juicy meal at the ...

"see? everyone's got their smile functioning correctly, why can't you copy exactly as i do?" omfg i love this line is like u isn't just performing for an audience anymore. ur being lectured by someone who's mastered the performance. "functioning correctly" like a smile is a machine part. "copy exactly" like art isn't expression, it's replication. that's so bleak and so real!! "realism brings a pity party from hell to life" damn such a good line. honesty is uncomfortable. so we trade it for the pity party, which at least has a script

hollow ginkgo
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This is honestly a really well-made poem, the lineation and general tone makes me feel like I’m being threatened on camera

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Fits the vibe like PERFECTLY

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also holy wordings again, I swear some of yall turn into a thesaurus sometimes it is blowing my mind

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SLAYYYYYY KEEP WRITING ITS LOVELY ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨

sharp arch
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@compact hollow THIS IS AWESOME!!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!

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this is such a unique piece

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and great portrayal of emotions!