tawdry patio
||empty room
late nights
I beg for my Lord
to give some light
I've sinned
one too many times
but I want the comfort
that can't be found in rhymes
another midnight delay
but I wake up anyway
the cold water against my skin
as hope wakes up from within
I rest the mat
on the cold floor
crumbling down
cause I can't anymore
oh Allah
I just want home
so my head rests
duas quiet the storm
but I still pray
it's weak it's blurry
at least this time
I wasn't in a hurry||
lilac mangoBOT
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lilac mangoBOT
@tawdry patio has sent a notification! - @fierce pike @tribal urchin @fast heart @tall gate @frigid sphinx @outer elk @grand patio @sudden lark @pastel sand @craggy cedar @lilac cliff @mental ferry @dusty pecan @royal sandal @versed fable @ebon hornet @grave raven @fleet rock @fierce ingot @smoky bison @woven smelt @twilit basalt @nocturne yacht @winter sedge @random ruin @neat kiln @plush tulip @kind crane @proud verge @nova fulcrum @upper berry @modern silo @round lynx @frozen ibex @clever kraken @autumn mirage @hollow jay @spiral lynx @wheat mist @ebon mountain @limber vale @tall summit @gloomy dirge @snow wing @light obsidian Use /help for help.
tawdry patio
(sorry for notifying twice)
tawdry patio
MashaAllah
jazakillah khairan ukhti
tawdry patio
@lucid vine
-# sorry for all the pings
lucid vine
I like this one a lot! I like that i can feel the struggle, the regret.
tawdry patio
I like this one a lot! I like that i can feel the struggle, the regret.
thank you
don't forget to leave a star
tawdry patio
@tardy dawn
storm gulch
I'm not very religious but i felt this in my bones, surrendering yourself to god really is the best feeling in the world
tawdry patio
I'm not very religious but i felt this in my bones, surrendering yourself to god...
thank you so much
it really is
tardy dawn
This feels deeply sincere in a way that makes the simplicity work for the poem instead of against it. The religious aspect doesn’t come across as ornamental or aestheticized it feels genuinely exhausted, like someone trying to hold onto faith when they barely have energy left to hold onto themselves. That honesty gives the poem its emotional weight.
What I think works best is the contrast between spiritual distance and small acts of persistence. The speaker feels disconnected:
“I beg for my Lord
to give some light”
yet they still continue the routine of prayer, washing, laying the mat down, waking up despite exhaustion. The faith here isn’t triumphant certainty it’s fragile continuation. That’s what makes it believable.
The line:
“but I want the comfort
that can't be found in rhymes”
is especially strong because it quietly acknowledges poetry’s limits. For once, words themselves are not enough. The speaker wants something beyond language peace, forgiveness, home.
And honestly, the ending lands beautifully:
“at least this time
I wasn't in a hurry”
because it transforms prayer into presence rather than obligation. After all the emotional heaviness, the poem ends not with revelation, but with a small sincere moment of stillness. That restraint makes it feel authentic.
I also like how coldness functions throughout the piece:
cold nights,
cold water,
cold floor,
yet prayer becomes the one source of warmth trying to emerge “from within.” It subtly ties physical sensation to spiritual longing without overexplaining it.
If I had one suggestion, it’d be to trust some of the quieter images even more. What i can see here is that u kind of question your simplicity of writing (my opinion) but i think simple yet emotional imagery might be your strenght
tawdry patio
If I had one suggestion, it’d be to trust some of the quieter images even more. ...
what do you mean by emotional imagery?
like show, not tell?
for eg
I still pray
as the tears
slowly escape
as the day
chokes me with fears
?
tardy dawn
what do you mean by emotional imagery?
like show, not tell?
Yeah, kind of but not just “show, don’t tell.” I mean that your stronger lines usually make people feel the emotion through a physical or sensory image instead of directly explaining the emotion itself.
Like:
“as the tears
slowly escape
as the day
chokes me with fears”
works because fear becomes something tangible. The day is “choking” you. The tears escaping creates motion and atmosphere instead of simply saying “I’m scared” or “I’m sad.”
dim oakBOT
Yeah, kind of but not just “show, don’t tell.” I mean that your stronger lines u...
Wonderful! @tardy dawn has just progressed to level 7!
tardy dawn
lines like:
“the cold water against my skin
as hope wakes up from within”
are what I mean by emotional imagery. It’s simple, but you feel the exhaustion and fragile hope physically through the sensation of cold water and waking up for prayer anyway. The poem doesn’t need to loudly announce “I’m struggling spiritually” because the imagery already carries that emotion quietly.
Same with:
“I rest the mat
on the cold floor
crumbling down
cause I can't anymore”
That works because emotional collapse becomes physical action. You can literally picture the person lowering the mat, exhausted, defeated, trying anyway. That kind of grounded imagery feels much more intimate than overly decorative language sometimes does.
I think your strength is that your poems feel lived rather than manufactured. The emotions come through ordinary details:
late nights,
cold floors,
blurry prayers,
waking up anyway.
That simplicity gives the sincerity room to breathe.
That's why i say that the simplicity u show with your writing while still carrying these emotions will become your strength
@tawdry patio
But thats just my opinion btw i will also review your other poems in which i hv been tagged in after my dinner so... sorry just give me a moment thogh i am excited to see what kind of a world u are trying to create
tawdry patio
thank you so very much really
tawdry patio
.
tawdry patio
@twin raptor
tawdry patio
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tawdry patio
@muted moth
lilac mangoBOT
@tawdry patio is now following @muted moth.
tawdry patio
do /follow
lilac mangoBOT
@muted moth is now following @tawdry patio.
tawdry patio
@reef lodge
tawdry patio
.
unkempt plume
It's a good poem in my opinion I'm not good in commentating but it's a 9/10 poem✌🏽
tawdry patio
It's a good poem in my opinion I'm not good in commentating but it's a 9/10 poem...
thank you and could you tell me why is it 9 and not 10 and your feedback on it
shell night