#An Exquisite Gloom

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

mortal root
#

A COLLAB WITH: @jagged stirrup

Your H.Y Semantic.
And Me, of course.

Credits to @wide pilot for typography

safe surgeBOT
#

@mortal root has sent a notification! - @sterile cave @dark nova @flat whale @full dagger @modest tinsel @sterile kraken @elder tiger @lavish radish @rain hare @orchid fiber @vital delta @sharp hazel @fallow basin @stone yoke @celest forge @abstract silo @versed slate @tepid osprey @sinful burrow @crystal falcon @inner island @tawdry maple @pulsar sable @north finch @unique venture @lilac prism @worldly sphinx @dense ibex @west rain @lucid spade @cunning sage @slender marsh @cosmic lotus @rain pagoda @sly trail @craggy forge @stuck reef @hearty spruce @lusty basin @rain tree @hidden plover @peak fern @lethal mural @jagged stirrup @lethal seal @vernal vault @sacred gull @silver gale @placid pond @stable marsh @gray idol @modern wind @lusty field @vale prairie @grizzled hill @chilly ginkgo @wooden pebble @prime path @whole lava Use /help for help.

sterile cave
#

First mecore

tawdry maple
#

W poem thoooo

#

Lovedd itt

#

Loved the typography and tbf everything abouttt it

mortal root
jagged stirrup
#

@supple jolt
@worldly hemlock
@opal oyster
@quartz sierra
@slender prairie
@loud hinge
@wicked void
@fervent sphinx

And yes. Thank you all.

mortal root
jagged stirrup
#

@dense ibex To my girl.

wicked void
dark nova
jagged stirrup
mortal root
#

An Exquisite Gloom

#

I forgot i changed the title florksmoke

mortal root
wicked void
jagged stirrup
jagged stirrup
mortal root
mortal root
wicked void
mortal root
#

Thank you 😭

wicked void
dense ibex
# mortal root

Upon the palace,
Lies the throne of corpses,

You guys.. @mortal root and my beloved @jagged stirrup sketched the world I could almost step into.
The energy of collaboration is legit fire.🔥

dense ibex
# mortal root

You guys are inspired by anatomy or whot? ? 😭 Skull, lungs???

mortal root
dense ibex
mortal root
dense ibex
dense ibex
mortal root
dense ibex
jagged stirrup
jagged stirrup
#

@vital delta you're already tagged blud
-# gimme your eyes

vital delta
#

Death wears no veil—

mortal root
#

I am death. Cuz I have no veil. I am broke

vital delta
#

Upon her palace,
lies the throne of corpses,
a mortal coilwith a head full of remorse,
yet a soul of decayed skulls

#

woah.

#

when the blood aesthetic meets the tyrant of vocab-

spice ingotBOT
vital delta
#

gloom.

jagged stirrup
vital delta
mortal root
#

I always go for darker thematic concepts

#

Most of the time

#

I think

#

Yeah

vital delta
#

yes-

jagged stirrup
vital delta
#

i have an idea

#

the personafication of death and its convo with the reaper-

#

death could represent grief and reaper would be restrained to his duties

jagged stirrup
vital delta
jagged stirrup
vital delta
mortal root
honest thornBOT
#

*I steal this idea

for a collab with you if

that ever happens*

- Zane The Arsonist
vital delta
mortal root
mortal root
#

@cosmic lotus

whole lava
#

@mortal root this is awesome
i see how deeply your heart stores the crimson.

mortal root
mortal root
#

@heavy basin

heavy basin
#

@mortal root what does it mean

mortal root
#

??

#

Why did you use that command?

mortal root
heavy basin
mortal root
#

Scroll up and read the poem.

heavy basin
#

I finished

mortal root
heavy basin
heavy basin
#

I finished it but I'm curious what inspired it

#

It's so oddly haunting and very reflective of my style of poetry

mortal root
heavy basin
heavy basin
mortal root
# heavy basin It's so oddly haunting and very reflective of my style of poetry

Thats my genre of writing.
This specific poem is a collab poem.
Where two or more people write one poem with their style

The poem is basically a mix of two styles which really blend well.

There is no specific meaning to this poem. We chose to write a poem based on our mutual interest.

It is also more like a dream i once had

heavy basin
heavy basin
#

Wanna see one of mine?

#

Such similar style issa crazy

mortal root
#

Whenever i post poems

mortal root
mortal root
#

@ivory shard

ivory shard
#

You write so well.
I found my inspiration I guess.
Let these exams be over and I'll start writing again.
Thank you Zane.
It was beautiful.

mortal root
#

So it means a lot to both of us

ivory shard
#

CRES THIS IS BEAUTIFUL

mortal root
#

@jagged stirrup

jagged stirrup
cosmic lotus
#

Good diction and typography elmo

#

Lycoris and chorus are a good rhyme match

jagged stirrup
mortal root
cosmic lotus
mortal root
cosmic lotus
#

This makes sense

#

Reminded me of his

mortal root
#

Glad you liked the poem

versed slate
#

one of the best I've read this week

jagged stirrup
mortal root
whole lava
#

@gentle rune check this one out... i told you about him..

mortal root
#

@covert shoal

mortal root
#

@earnest socket

earnest socket
#

Aight one min I’ll read

#

Dang this is good

#

Feels ethereal

#

I like it

#

Fr

#

W work

mortal root
jagged stirrup
whole lava
mortal root
jagged stirrup
whole lava
#

wait, whaaa

#

am i blind?

whole lava
whole lava
#

I AM BLIND

jagged stirrup
covert shoal
#

Ayy I'm back with opinions. Please expect below:

#

Let me start my review with a review, before going into criticism;

The impression this poem leaves can best be summarized as 'nightmarish'.
And I am not trying to be mean, far from it —
But it seems to have a dream-like modus operandi more so,
Than anything that I'd call 'coherent structure' and 'comprehensible form';
Leaving, after trying to awkwardly crutch on the vague plot,
The imagery as the load-bearing structure of the whole piece —
Preserving the mood, but not the impact.

Which is more than alright, as long as the experience aligns with your intent;
And the roughness of execution can even add a certain charm, not detract from it;
But sadly, I find that in several instances the latter is the unfortunate case.

But everything in due order.

(1/4)

#

  1. A footnote on the typography.
    It's awful and I hate it, and I don't know whom else to scream to
    That the way you guys "format" is disruptive for reading, pointless for semantics, and looks plain ugly.
    Why are random words in bold?
    Why are the gaps spread around as if this poem is printed on a badly stretched t-Shirt?
    Did you want to say something?
    Say it!
    The text should be aided by its formatting, not fight with it for my attention.
    And stop hiding behind the poor excuse of 'freedom of interpretation'.
    Your obvious cluelessness about the art of it always shines through.

  2. Phonics aka Rhyme and Rhythm.
    The cadence for this piece obviously wasn't chosen, but rather winged along the way:
    Sad splinters of iambus and anapest are poured into its cauldron and boiled into a stew
    With a complete disregard for pacing interruptions it incurs —
    Constantly startling my brain as I try to pronounce let scarlet with emphasis on both words,
    or a head full of with emphasis on none of the four(!).

Rhymes are just right however. Unintrusive, if a little obtuse, they hold the fabric together,
Preventing the piece from disintegrating under the weight of its non-existent metrics.

  1. Texture aka Word choice and Syntax.
    The texture is unsurprisingly pleasant.
    Both of you have an eye for an opulent, juicy phrase, and abuse it to no end, which I must commend.
    the sky is a lung..., midst remnants & ruins, adorned by lycoris, with a naked flourish
    Are specific, intriguing, and simply joyous to read.

(2/4)

#
  1. Image layer
    — is where it all falls apart though. Red petals sure do fracture.
    Interstingly, appetizingly. "why does something so soft — break, instead of just bending"
    Asks your reader, and carnivorously swirls his eyeballs.
    "What petals? We are talking about the nameless!" — you answer.
    "No, wait; we are thrusting the veins now!" — you keep shouting in a never-ending waterfall
    Of mismatched images, allusions, and unresolved intrigues.

I will now list all the answers I had to prove my point:

  • "Petals of what?"
  • "Who are the nameless?"
  • "How does one thrust a vein?" — this one is just baffling, honestly.
  • "Who is "the stray"?
  • "What silk and why is it red?"
  • "What fruit, and why is it bitter?"
  • "Why is the crown red? Is it made of silk?"
  • "What do ravens mean?"
  • "Why do they arrive in kettles?"
  • "Whose soul is full of skulls?"
  • "Whose face's memory?"
  • "Why the hell aphantasia?"
  • "Where did the lilies come from?"

— all concentrated in ~6 stanzas, give or take.
This is not obscurity. This is not 'room for interpretation'. this is laziness and padding.
You've found a cool image, got giddy about it, and shoved it in without thinking whether you should or not,
How it would connect to all others, or what it would mean.

The overall experience amounts to that of looking into a kaleidoscope — unique for every observer, and meaning absolutely nothing.

More than on one occasion I was irked by how trite it all was — from your deafening silences, to your mortal coils (really, you aren't Shakespeare guys) — adding a spoon of shoewax into a pot of honey spoils the whole thing you know.

  1. Structure
    — is nothing special.
    The plot barely exists, consisting of a camera pan across the land of the dead and zooming in on Death herself.
    Transitions are smooth enough, without noticeable jerks or jitters, if you discount the page break — what do you mean by songs of fortune? Whose fortune? Why are ruins singing it? Total silence.

(3/4)

#

5/6. Theme & Message.
Theme, built up primarily by two previous layers, is similarly lopsided: I feel half-dead, hald-terrified, and am half-confused. Emotion is true enough, and I feel the intense nerve throughout (maybe too much even; sometimes it's better to give some contrast), but the imagery this emotion is attached to is incoherent.

What you are doing here — decay, mortality, despair — are heavy and fruitful themes,
That can amply be explored, but you don't get into their full potential:
Instead of taking a big anvil and hammering them in with concrete and tangible, uncomfortable, inevitable nails, you opt for a wishy-washy and unstable language of dreams, where anything is something,
And everything is nothing.

You have a skeleton of a story, obese with fat of similes, that has virtually no muscle or connective tissue, and as a result completely falls apart by the end. I was in its firm grasp while reading, and now I barely remember it.

===============================

Conclusion.

Today, your dynamic duo has done a good work — and I like it better
Than both of your individual ones;
Lamentably weak in some parts, and undeniably strong in others,
I feel like it needs polish more than a complete demolish.
Heavy polish with industrial-grade angle grinders, but nonetheless.

I would like to urge you to re-read what you write, and really think about how it looks together not line-by-line, because it seems to be your biggest flaw by far.

Thank you for sharing, and until later,
Sirruthf.

4/4

#

@mortal root @jagged stirrup

mortal root