Orpheus and Eurydice

[sinful umbra]

For a love so poetic,
So poetic that stones would weep,
Spring would settle,
And tides would grow weak.

I’d lull to every bird,
Pick every petal of truth,
Love me not’s and daisy’s
Crowns of thorns and fruits.

For a love so poetic,
I’d swim to shore,
Buried beneath the sands of time,
Where fate echoes at its core.

I’d crawl to the edge of the earth,
With you a step behind,
Stitching Hope with certainty,
And longing with the blind.

@bright edge @steel valve

[steel valve]

Wow. I'd crawl to the edge of the earth, with you a step behind, stitching hope with certainty, and long with the blind. I loved this the most. The choice of words picked was really great. The third stanza was too epic. I liked the emotions the poem brought out.

[sinful umbra]

Thank you so muchhhhh that’s my favourite stanza as well

[supple mauve]

@sinful umbra is now following @steel valve.

[sinful umbra]

@junior pier what do you think of this one

[junior pier]

hmmm

[solar verge]

Wonderful! @junior pier has just progressed to level 1!

[junior pier]

lemme think

ekhm, try reading my poetry tooo

it's in sensitive poetry "The unripe burden"

Correct the Grammatical "Tense" and Phrasing

In the first stanza, you establish a beautiful rhythm, but the verb tenses clash slightly.

"Spring would settle, / And tides grew weak." * The Fix: To keep the parallel structure with "would settle," change "grew" to "grow" or "would weaken." For example: "Spring would settle, / And tides grow weak." This keeps the entire stanza in the same hypnotic, conditional space.

hmm

HOW IN THE EARTH I TEXT SO FAST

[sinful umbra]

I didn’t even notice that thank u

[junior pier]

The second stanza has incredible imagery, but the phrasing in the third line gets a bit tangled. "Love me not’s and daisy’s" uses an unnecessary apostrophe, and the rhythm trips up a bit.

If you streamline the phrasing, the transition from innocent daisies to painful thorns becomes even sharper.

Picking every petal of truth—
From love-me-nots and daisies,
To crowns of thorns and fruit.

In the third stanza, you write: "I’d swim to shore, / Buried beneath the sands of time". Physically, it’s a bit confusing—are they swimming to the shore, or are they already buried beneath it?

[junior pier]

Make the transition from the water to the sand feel like a sequence of events, or clarify that the shore itself is what is buried.

For a love so poetic,
I’d swim to a forgotten shore,
And bury myself in the sands of time,
Where fate echoes at its core.