Now everyone sees you addressing your concerns and me unable to even hold up my own.
#Never Enough.
buoyant pawn
They can think whatever they want. I think it's sad you have to use others as leverage.
royal pulsar
it’s not leverage vish
buoyant pawn
You could've just heard me out.
royal pulsar
it’s so i don’t gaslight myself into thinking it’s okay
buoyant pawn
None of this is okay. I think it's crazy that no one is telling you that you're not even listening to me.
I guess I don't belong here after all.
royal pulsar
i’m dysgreulated and type a lot and that means i’m manipulating you? that i’m overwhelmed
buoyant pawn
It's impact.
royal pulsar
You’re right i’m not. bc the conversation is all about blaming me instead of telling what’s hurting you.
I already apologised for acknowledging youd hurt me.
royal pulsar
i wanted you to talk ab it but instead you said to lady were cooked
buoyant pawn
I told you what's hurting me a million times in this relationship
Then you make it about you
And I get mad
Then all of aop says I'm toxic
It's bull crap
It's happening now.
royal pulsar
I think fighting on a public server is pretty toxic from both sides tbh
I haven’t made your hurt about me
buoyant pawn
I haven’t made your hurt about me
This right here
Is why we broke up
Because I'm my reality
You've done so 395950398282 times
royal pulsar
I’m talking about in this moment vish.
You always say let’s not talk about the past
Let’s talk about this moment
royal pulsar
Let’s talk about needs and wants
buoyant pawn
Enjoy espe
I'm out
If you really think it's so simple as me being hurtful
And her being a victim
That's ok
I won't change your mind
buoyant pawn
But It sucks that no one wants a to see what I see
Then stop telling stories of other people
Jesus Christ espe
You bring other people in and create chaos
You don't even realize the chaos you sew
royal pulsar
I said you re saying disrespectful things in a public server and then apologising and then doing it again.
I bring people in ????
buoyant pawn
Jesus Christ.
royal pulsar
You have zero accountability
here we go again
royal pulsar
Never “hey this is hurting me x y z”
instead comes from a place of dysregulation and i’m expected to understand and take in and hear
And now in a public server of all places
buoyant pawn
I tried.
royal pulsar
Enjoy the Nile. I hope it runs dry.
No.
buoyant pawn
Lemme try again for the millionth time
royal pulsar
This isn’t trying.
buoyant pawn
Ms espe. I have noticed a pattern in your behavior. When I open up about my feelings, I am returned with sentiments of your own feelings, which causes me to feel paved over and erased, as if my feelings don't matter. I feel like my feelings are never explored in our relationship, because when you hurt me, and I say so, instead of helping me find the words to explain my hurt, you jump to conclusions and assumptions instead of embodying a curious spirit and helping me out by asking me questions to help me begter understand my feelings. I feel eluded by subtle harm that I cannot quite name, I feel tortured and tormented to the bone by it, and I feel gaslight every time you say these things dont happen merely because you don't see it. I feel disappointed that instead of trusting me when I say you're hurting me you've denied it. All of this has caused me tremendous anger and bitterness despite a year of nonstop attempts at advocacy..I recognize my anger and lashes as a result of the bottle overflowing and spilling all over you. I recognize the toxicity in it. I also know that I need help finding the articulation and that you've been no help at all. I also feel like this same problem has arisen in many relationships before, and I'm feeling strange noticing that pattern in what I'm attracting, and curious to know more, hence my desire for therapy. Ultimately I seek humility and support and clarity and I feel like I've been offered dust under rugs and soothing instead of the spelunking of my psyche. I feel like you take the criticism of what hasn't worked for me as assault on your character. I also feel like it makes you feel inadequate which I feel further hinders your curiosity. This all combine has me feeling hopeless in our relationship, doomed even, and highly confused and suicidal. Even in this moment. I feel tremendous remorse and have been fighting hard not to shame or blame anyone for all of this yet have also been fighting the paranoia of this all being a sham.
There you go 2000 characters to scratch the tip of the ice burg.
I know I keep messing up and regressing but I feel like it, I including what you attempt, is held over my head instead of grace being offered as I try to solve this dilemma,all while you beg me for grace as if I'm holding any of this against you when I'm not even though I get how it comes off that way.
I feel tremendously misunderstood, misinterpreted, and idek how this can happen to such a degree with such refined articulations on both ends
I reachy upper limit of patience anytime I address this with you not only due to having felt this way since day one but also due to the severe disregulation caused by all the aforementioned, especially the part where you switch the issue to your needs when I address my hurt which you've cause.
I feel like it's messed up that there's so much talk about what I'm doing wrong in this relationship but when I try to bring up what you do wrong it's a pity party, a guilt trip, a narrative shift, an ask for grace. All before any actual accounts have been taken, lett alone attempts to find out if what you interpret from my words is accurate to what I intended to express.
If this doesn't reach you,we really are breaking up.
Because I can't do any better than that and I'm..not willing to try..I've tried everything at this point.
royal pulsar
i understand
i know i have a tendency to jump to conclusions and not ask you how you’re feeling when you express hurt
i don’t want to feel like i’m denying causing you any hurt even if i have made you feel like that and i’m sorry for that
and i know i often offer things that you don’t need at times you don’t need them
i’ve been aware of this flaw through our relationship
buoyant pawn
Awareness isn't enough for me
I wish to release you with grace and forgiveness and find someone who can help unravel this in a low stakes environment where less expectations are given to me so that I have the freedom to fully flesh out my problem without having to be tone policed and linguistically monitored. I want to be held accountable without being shamed and I have yet to ever experience that even from you.
I am operating at the perimeter of my parameters keeping this relationship afloat and I'm not sure where the line is between actual compassion and empathy and straight up fawning
royal pulsar
i don’t know that either
you often say you’re fawning
and that makes me think our whole relationship is fake
buoyant pawn
I don't have the language necessary for the romance I desire.
royal pulsar
I think compassion and empathy so felt in the gut
And fawning is straining yourself
buoyant pawn
and that makes me think our whole relationship is fake
See what I mean by it goes to you?
royal pulsar
Sometimes empathy can cause burn out
Which can lead to feeling like you are fawning
royal pulsar
See what I mean by it goes to you?
Yes i see this.
buoyant pawn
Even now your speaking to me in universal facts without asking me anything at all
royal pulsar
I’m trying to help you get to the bottom of it
buoyant pawn
Which tells me what I need is a therapist..not a gf
royal pulsar
By speaking about what empathy is
buoyant pawn
When I say you are ill equipped it's not a diss
buoyant pawn
You've taken it as a diss Everytime and then write never enough
royal pulsar
Well you need a therapist we both said that much
candid timberBOT
buoyant pawn
Which compounds the guilt and shames me
royal pulsar
I’m not taking it as a diss rn
buoyant pawn
Ok
buoyant pawn
Okay and I recognize the pain I wish to not be held responsible for it though I will take accountability for it
Responsibility to me moving forward looks like zero romance and tripling down in shadow work with professionals
You can call that running away if you want but I don't see it as escape I see it as a paradigm shift and me moving close to healing
royal pulsar
I call it doing whatever you wanna do vish.
royal pulsar
What would you like me to say here?
buoyant pawn
Which pushes me away
royal pulsar
You already moved away if you had your mind set on breaking up, which you’ve said about 10 times in the past 5 minutes.
I understand your reasoning.
I really do.
buoyant pawn
I want to be with someone who doesn't ask me for perfect words, and instead uses critical thinking to break patteens and inspire ideological metamorphosis
When you ask me what to say it defeats the whole purpose of me asking for help
If I knew, I wouldn't come to someone else
royal pulsar
You didn’t ask for help. You’ve said for the past 5 comments that you wish to break up.
buoyant pawn
I've asked for help for almost a year now.
royal pulsar
Then when I say okay you say i’m dismissing you.
You’re right you need therapy for that help.
buoyant pawn
No.
buoyant pawn
I said I feel dismissed when you say "you're just doing whatever you want"
royal pulsar
I can take in the things that hurt you, as you exprsss them to me, and try to do betttr.
royal pulsar
I said I feel dismissed when you say "you're just doing whatever you want"
I didn’t say just
I’m saying
royal pulsar
I want you to do what YOU want. What YOU feel is best for you. In your life. Whenever.
Vish i’m not being defensive at all and RIGHT NOW im walking on eggshells and im about to leave this entire conversation if you keep saying stuff that isn’t happening.
If you came to me and said
Hey espi
I feel like taking 28383939 grams of coke would be good for me
Because i saw a video on it or whatever
And i was like
-_-
i do not think so vish
Ultimately i would want you to do
What you fee is best for you
and your health
and your wellbeing
Even if it hurt me or i did not agree with it l.
That’s what i meant by that comment
Not dismissiveness
Not defense
Just simply
I love you and i want the very best for you.
buoyant pawn
The lag is real
royal pulsar
And i’m sorry for all the times i’ve hurt you and you feel your needs dismissed
I know that’s been an isssue on my side throughout our relationship
candid timberBOT
royal pulsar
lol there’s 56 haikus here at this point
buoyant pawn
What about all the times you've condemned me for my behavior
It really hurts when you tell me be alone forever and lose everyone even myself
Knowing that's where I was when came in here
That hurt more than being dismissed for a year straight.
royal pulsar
I’m sorry for that.
buoyant pawn
I'm probably going to leave aop
royal pulsar
That was unfair
buoyant pawn
And fulfill that like a prophecy
Because I don't have the support system to cope with being told that
candid timberBOT
buoyant pawn
And I do I don't know who to rely on
My knees are jerking me out the foo
Door
You say everyone is in your DMs telling you I'm toxic
Might as well go because now it's awkward
royal pulsar
people said that i don’t deserve how you were speaking to me earlier and it’s true
buoyant pawn
There's no going back.
royal pulsar
At this point i wanna leave too
royal pulsar
Mhm
buoyant pawn
And now my perspective is muddied
What's done is done.
No one told you I deserve to be heard? Screw this place
royal pulsar
I just wanted to enjoy the sun today and have our picnic.
Life gives us lemons
You do deserve to be heard but you weren’t reaching a place i could hear you because of how you were articulating yourself
royal pulsar
Ms espe. I have noticed a pattern in your behavior. When I open up about my feel...
this
this text wall right here
It’s a lot
But
i can sit with it and hear it
buoyant pawn
I could rewrite the Bible for five year olds and you still wouldn't understand what I'm saying.
I have to contort myself so much to be heard by you it's not worth the effort
royal pulsar
Nope. i understood loud and clear with what you just articulated right then
buoyant pawn
The language you admired in the begin is the language that drove us apart in the end.
royal pulsar
i just want a relationship where both people feel seen,
heard,
appreciated,
understood,
respected,
no expectations,
a little pressure when needed like you said but not a boiling pot.
It just so happens to be you who i fell in love with and clearly we don’t give each other that.
buoyant pawn
I think you mistake what love is
buoyant pawn
Love doesn't just happen
It is cultivated
buoyant pawn
Chemical attraction isn't love espe
royal pulsar
I get that
buoyant pawn
That's reproductive programming
royal pulsar
Here we go
even fighting about words
Love is a feeling and an action
you can love someone in feeing and not show it in actions
it’s still love
it’s not enough
but it’s still love
as far i’m concerned
And i think we’ve both been trying by our actions
buoyant pawn
There's a Khalil gibran poem Im remembering
Do not love half lovers
Hits deep now that I know you
royal pulsar
trying and failing
I’m not a half lover vish
I try with all my might
It just feels never enough for you
And i know you feel the same
Hence the poem
buoyant pawn
I feel duped
Duped by own shadow yet again
Damn finicky stitching coming loose
I probably won't talk to you after I leave england
raven lodgeBOT
I probably won't talk to you after I leave england
Wonderful! @buoyant pawn has just progressed to level 39!
buoyant pawn
I'll be homeless and deep in survival mode
Idk if this world still has what I'm asking for. Or maybe it never did. Maybe it never will. Maybe I'll die alone looking for it.
It's better than sitting around waiting for change.
Maybe I'll find a way to atleast give it away.
buoyant pawn
I know.
royal pulsar
You ask me to have patience for your change
But i don’t recieve the same patience and that hurts
I get it i do
But it still hurts
buoyant pawn
Espe I've given you more patience than ive given anymore I've ever known.
royal pulsar
Same
buoyant pawn
More grace and second chances than anyone.
royal pulsar
It hurts bc it’s so simple to me.
And you just can’t see it and that hurts.
you trigger defensiveness in me and reactiveness with how you approach me
as i know i do he same to you
and my mind is like
buoyant pawn
You spark my meltdowns and blame me for having them.
royal pulsar
Why can’t he just say “hey i feel this” “hey i feel hurt rn”
And then i would be able to sit with you like you wished
And talk it out
And find solutions
But instead it’s instantaneous “you are this” “you are that”
royal pulsar
Not always instantaneous. But often.
royal pulsar
You feel bleak and defeated
I don’t. I never did give up vish.
buoyant pawn
You say "idk what to do with that"
royal pulsar
If i gave up id have walked away from this along time ago.
royal pulsar
You say "idk what to do with that"
You’re right i say that
buoyant pawn
You give up in small surrenders.
royal pulsar
So often i feel like you hate me or dislike me or nothing i do is right
buoyant pawn
You let your inadequacy complex stifle your desire to offer critical support
royal pulsar
Bc i know a lot of the support you need, is stuff you need outside of me. From friends, from therapy.
Not always but sometimes.
And this leads you to have doomer mentally on the relationship and leads to fights.
it’s not inadequacy
It’s just.
I know what i’m capable of
Right now in this moment
I know what i’m not
I know what i need time for
Just like you with your meltdowns
You talk about patience with that
I’ve given you so much
And i’m aware you’ve given me it too
buoyant pawn
So much by your standards is anthills to what I require
buoyant pawn
Same
royal pulsar
And you know that’s not anthills
buoyant pawn
Grace doesn't mean shit when at other times it's held against me
Just like apologizing means nothing with repeat offense
royal pulsar
I don’t hold anything against you
I’m not saying i haven’t
I’m saying in this moment
buoyant pawn
You've held quite a lot against me in the heat of the moment
royal pulsar
Rn
buoyant pawn
It lives in my muscles now
royal pulsar
I’m not holding anything against you
royal pulsar
Just like apologizing means nothing with repeat offense
And that’s all that keeps happening
buoyant pawn
Your presence now does not undo the knots you tied in my fascia
royal pulsar
Your presence now does not undo the knots you tied in my fascia
Same
I’m constantly on edge and dysgreulated then somehow expected to somehow perform my perfect self
Or that’s how it feels
That’s how i feel
buoyant pawn
That sucks espe 😔
royal pulsar
when i can barely look after myself bc of dysregulation
buoyant pawn
You can't.
royal pulsar
fxxcking loop de loops constant
and i thought
oh it will be better
In person
We do well in person
buoyant pawn
Möbius retraumatization
royal pulsar
Vish needs physical presence
But half the time i feel like i disgust you
Even if i know that’s true
Even if i know you’re discomfort
And it’s not me
And to not take it personal
I still feel it in my bones
buoyant pawn
Maybe it would be different if this environment was catered for us, and not just you and me
But that's dead now.
I need so much environmentally that you don't have here
I'm still looking for a place to sprout
Let alone bloom
buoyant pawn
And teas
Yeah I can't be freezing
I need to sweat the demons out
You need alone time. You are a creator in solidarity
Solitude
candid timberBOT