ionic elbow
I didn’t want to ignore that latent desire
to feel alive,
because never before had such feelings
run through my veins
I wanted to create a color that belonged only to us,
I wanted you to be the keeper of my feelings,
to let you decide the rhythm of life’s dance beside me
I’m in a pathetic attempt
to forget you…
wearing a warm coat of cowardice,
because my feelings write themselves
about things they don’t even know how to feel
they no longer understand each other,
they don’t connect to words anymore,
let alone to poems
it’s not that I’ve forgotten,
it’s not that I don’t feel you anymore,
much less that it meant nothing
the truth is
I’m a very good liar,
the kind you never doubt because of the conviction in my voice…
I hide between faces and words
how much you still matter
you’re still here…
you still live inside my heart
you make me wish for you on birthday candles,
on repeating hours,
even on shooting stars…
as if now something mystical,
some foolish superstition,
could save me
but I swear,
if you asked,
I’d say we’re still not over
and I would give anything to be able to lie to myself too
to say it passed,
to say it was nothing,
that this open, exposed wound
is not the greatest representation of the love I’ve ever known
that it wasn’t me… who deserved you…
I would give anything
to lie properly to myself
but tell me,
how do you deceive the heart?
how do I tear you out
without tearing away my ability to bleed?
how do I stop the desperation?
how do I say “enough”?
teach me…
you had the audacity to teach someone who felt nothing
to feel the most powerful and wretched of emotions —
love
now have the damn decency to make me forget
even if it’s cowardly,
even if it doesn’t belong to me
the way I desire my desires
or how my endings are written
I need to forget what you were like…
because if I don’t,
I’ll keep living in pieces,
using your name as a crutch
to justify every part of me that no longer moves
finding some divine excuse
in feeling pain,
as if it were the promise
that I would always make you happy…
And as cliché as it may sound,
it would still be love,
and it would still be real,
and it would still fall
and weigh upon my chest—
but still?
that is only today…
and I will keep on, and keep on loving you
disappearing,
being devoured alive
by the feeling itself
one I don’t even understand anymore
it should have left with you, but it stayed
it corrodes me,
tastes me, and tells me it likes it
once again I wish to ask…
I want to be able to lie to myself…
I want to forget… you
So please, I beg you—
I am begging you,
disappear from me, from my memories,
take everything with you,
don’t leave me even a second longer being yours.
because if I can’t,
it won’t be you that I lost
it will be me —
slowly rotting
somewhere,
in some in-between
between loving
and running away.
thin leaf
obsidian steeple
glass tiger
modest rapids
untold flint