The Sea

[jolly pasture]

Slow-descending winds are one
In the gulph of low grey sea;
Waves are cloven, and are gone
Underneath them, unto me.

Wrought with glimmers as a gleam
Of the stars upon the deep:
Sun hath teased me with a dream
Whereupon I cannot weep:

Washed with currents high and low,
Cast away from cloud and shore,
Waif-like—and a waif I go
Sightless of the ocean floor.

Thrust with main, be forceful yet!—
My hands and feet are smothered blind,
Breathless, they are deathless yet,
Glad of boiling wake behind.

Then the stings and churns of water,
As the brands of senseless reign,
See too well that they can alter
Movements of my limbs again;

And again they cease, I know it:
Nothing here shall ever profit,
Nought that thither, well above
Or below, as none know of,
Shall upset this poise of fate:
Unto seas where ill’s with well,
Banished blindly—e’er to wait
Out of Heaven, out of Hell.

[radiant spindle]

@jolly pasture has sent a notification! - @keen barn @finite yacht @jagged cedar Use /help for help.

[jolly pasture]

I just dunno, kinda tried

[jagged cedar]

I like your poems, and I could almost say love. And I am going to use an early modern comparison for this:

You and poe both expertly use the early modern english dialect, partnered with excellent meter. Though, we differs between you two is emotion. Mayhaps your poems don't quite well connect with me specifically regarding emotion, despite either I still view your poems as a colorless statue.

You may notice in Poe's poems that there is an incredible emotion behind it. I, unfortunately, cannot feel emotion within yours. It might be too cryptic, not convincing enough, or I am at fault.

Again, you really are an amazing poet—I would just try to focus on emotion a little more than you do so meter (if that is the case).

[jolly pasture]

No, you’re quite correct, I can’t say I’ve been making anything really high-quality in terms of pure emotional content lately. I think most of what I do are just attempts at different verse forms; the only piece in my stock I can call “well thought-out” is “Aestas” for now. I think to some of my poems I will return later on for some “refurbishment” — re-think some word choices, tighten up the phonetics &c. Not an excuse, my poems really ought to be more thematically coherent.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate it

Though it is curious to see you mention Poe more than any other poet

Why Poe? I get he is really good, but why him specifically?

[silver wedge]

*Why Poe? I get he

is really good, but why him

specifically?*

- guiltyashell

[jagged cedar]

Oh no don't worry, let me tell you: when you post I genuinely get excited!

You very well utilize archaism and meter, which is what I need to work on.

Furthermore, if emotion wasn't the goal then it is not a problem, since the goal was for practicing and experimentation of verse.

[jagged cedar]

Anytime

[jagged cedar]

Because you're also a really good poet

I'll correct it to swineborne for you next time though 😉

[jolly pasture]

I will have to admit that I have been over-relying on, and possibly “over-interpreting” Swinburne, purely because I have read Eliot say his genius is in “surrendering sense to sound”, and because I have felt it first-hand while reading him. I could say that my chief pursuit has been musical, though if I have been able to make any visible progress is quite open to debate

[jagged cedar]

So then, has the student, become that of his master?

Another thing, I have been doing my best to work on meter

[jolly pasture]

I have trouble parsing this sentence tbf…

[jagged cedar]

You have become a little bit like your once-favorite poet

[jolly pasture]

I’ll look up some of your latest work, haven’t been too active on this server lately

[jagged cedar]

Choose wisely because some falter more than others 😭

But thank you

[jolly pasture]

This is inevitable really, I always try to imitate someone I’m reading at the time

It just happens that most of the time I read Swinburne, for better or for worse

[jolly pasture]

Oh, then, any you are actually proud of?

[jagged cedar]

I relate to this

[jagged cedar]

One second

Kala–Agni — Sacrilege of Belial
Suvarana–Matsya — Habuiah unto Belial

My two best, though the second is my favorite

[jolly pasture]

Aight, I’ll check them out asaic

[late dew]

”Your feet and hands are smothered blind” is a terrible sentence simply because your feet and hands cant see and how exactly are feet and hands smothered? How exactly does smothering create blindness and if so the blindness for what?

I upvoted ure effort though

Your feet and hands are just as blind as every object without eyes..

[silver wedge]

*Your feet and hands are

just as blind as every

object without eyes..*

- peterjonsson0788

[finite yacht]

Bro discovered metaphors for the first time

[faint kayak]

...I do not think that's a valid critique to make here

I think the main issue with this poem is that it falls off a bit emotionally

Some parts I feel can be muddied for the theme

Syntax, diction and rhythm does what it needs to do so nothing I can poke holes at there

But since I am way too lazy to make any decent-length critiques I'd just say that this feels like a practice poem, a way to evaluate technical skill, with secondary focus on emotions

And I think we've done a decent job

Maybe if I get a jolt of lightning to get back at critiquing properly then I'd get back at this and give this poem the respect it needs

But ehh I'm wasting my life on brawlhalla

[jagged cedar]

Bro I just see you hating on everyone's poems 😭