sly idol
Well look practically all of your lines have ambitions and thats a good thing, the bad news is people (myself included) can’t understand your line of reasoning.. they might upvote you because they are afraid to admit that they just don’t get it.. but im telling you this is way to exclusive.
”Each stigmata.. oak a sniff”
Can you even explain what those last sentences mean?
quick fractal
Yeah i can, it's about being in Church,
The smell of the pews, the sight of the crucifix.
sly idol
Each stigmata gushing with joy? I don’t think Jesus was gushing with joy exactly.
Love weeping in fallen tears, all tears fall. Love weeping by fallen tears if you have to write that.
Why don’t you just write that yoo like that your church has a scent of oak?
You don’t have to work so hard at being unreachable to other people, you should be careful not to end up like a snob.
Now I told you the truth and you can do a lot with that including hating me.
Where are the stigmata’s even?
sly idol
Yeah i know that but pal stigmata is a magical belief that if you believe hard enough you will get the same wounds as Jesus
Imagine writing i have a wound gushing with joy.
Come of it already.. come on..
quick fractal
I mean it is literally describing the crucifix hanging from the church
And I think that the passion of Christ is an incredibly emotionally complex moment
It is a time of deep sorrow, and deep joy,
sly idol
No because Jesus on the cross has no stigmatas and i explained that to you
Yeah you don’t think I can understand the complexity of christ? Do you have contempt for me?
quick fractal
I mean you said "each stigmata gushing with joy? I don't think Jesus was gushing with joy exactly"; when he was resurrected with the holes in hands, was that not joyous.
I understand your point, its just for me it's the exact image I want to use. It's one of the lines I'm more confident on personally.
I don't understand why you are asking if I have contempt for you, I'm not talking about you I'm talking about my poem.
What's my poem got to do with my opinion on you?
sly idol
Stigmata is a magical belief that if you believe hard enough you will get the same wounds as Jesus.
Look you can get defensive about this and point to every broad metaphor you can think of but thats exactly the problem. Is all a loof, it’s all relativistic.
Fk it why am i even bothering.. it doesnt matter.
Keep doing what you are doing, you are such a genius beyond everyones reach.
quick fractal
I'm really not a genius
I think the poem has potential, but it's currently pretty mid
sly idol
You seem to believe that only you can get your poem, i can get your poem and i told you the truth about it - peace out im outta here
quick fractal
Wait I never said no one could get my poem. You asked me to explain the last sentences because you didn't understand it
I've always thought writing is about showing not telling
just on that point ^
sly sinew
Wait I never said no one could get my poem. You asked me to explain the last se...
He's trying to say smthn like "you think I'm a bad poet? Then I'll criticise YOUR work and see you how you like it". It's immature.
quick fractal
Yeah I mean I can't lie I was expecting it after yesterday, I knew the next time I posted he would have something to say, and in fairness to him I get his point about the stigmata being something that appears on divine figures, a replication not the literal wounds. I still think it's the image I want though because it's a poem about doubt in faith and a sudden deep faith which stigmata appear from
🤷♂️
sly sinew
That's just semantics. I am going to give feedback, but that didn't register to me as a mistake
Okay, first thing that jumps out as a possible point of improvement: I don't understand the shifts between casual terminology and extremely poetic speech
"The bitterness at gravity glimpsed on an OLD MATES face"
"Give your oak a sniff"
This could absolutely be an artistic choice, but to me it seems to hurt the intended effect. Especially that final line. "Love weeping in fallen tears" is a potent sentence, breaking into casual terminology straight after just doesn't read for me
Could you explain the first stanza? I like the word use but am having trouble understanding what you mean
quick fractal
So the first stanza is about the other places I would rather be than in a church. On a Sunday in England village football leagues usually play and when I lived at home I always missed it because of mass. The blue screen can be watching television, scrolling your phone, anything just in a screen. The last line is probably the more honest thing just not wanting to wake up early in the morning to go to church with family. And when I was there I would not be aware of where I was, I was aware of where I wasn't.
quick fractal
"The bitterness at gravity glimpsed on an OLD MATES face"
"Give your oak a snif...
This is genuinely what I think it is that has put me off the poem because I actually wrote the final image first, and I am usually an incredibly mundane poetry writer. I tend to delete the stuff I share after a few days so idk if you'd be able to read any of it but this poem ended up not being quite so casual and mundane I guess.
As like my other stuff
sly sinew
So long as the casual language is a decision, I don't mind it too much, actually. I disagree with the usage just because of how it looks against the language before, but high concepts mixed with cockney-esque speech isn't an unknown concept. It reminds me of Steven Berkoff
All I'd say is, commit one way, or the other. If this is the daydream of a guy who uses words like "mate", then maybe make the choice to lean into casual speech. Or have it begin casual and evolve into the higher language
glossy egretBOT
thetravelero has been timed out for 30m 
Reason: Excessive use of blacklisted words
quick fractal
Oof nooo I read your message that timed you out and agreed. Like I really think I want to lean away from the casual language tendency within this work, it wasn't intentional in that way. I think old mate may change to old man, it keeps the ambiguity of a personal figure (like a father) and a spiritual figure, and I mean I think it probably works better, it's about ageing after all,
sour spruce
actually, i’m really confused about the first stanza more than anything else
i am trying to gain the overall theme from the poem but every interpretation i think of doesnt seem to align with the first stanza
i kinda love the unconventional wording you have here
sour spruce
i am trying to gain the overall theme from the poem but every interpretation i t...
oh wait nvm you said it was about doubt in faith