#Proof of Trying

9 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

tribal wadi
#

Sometimes, my plans fall apart before mid-day.
The to-do list and all reminders keep saying,
"What are you doing?" as nothing goes as planned.
Friends' names blink quietly;
screens stay silent when I need a word.
Tasks I set with hope crumble into corners,
and life hands me things that I never asked for.
Yet, each day, I gather what's left
and build a bridge from what I did manage.
Not every morning is a new start;
not every evening brings applause and self-satisfaction.
Somehow, sixty or seventy percent gets done—
not the perfection I dreamed.
But this sixty or seventy percent is just proof
that I'm still trying to do what I planned,
while the world spins its own storm.

-By Raunak

uncut surge
#

This is really good I love the themes of procrastination but still being patient with yourself for getting something done through it all ❤️

tribal wadi
#

Hmm thank you 😌 for your views

pastel spindle
# tribal wadi Sometimes, my plans fall apart before mid-day. The to-do list and all reminders ...

"Friends' names blink quietly;
screens stay silent when I need a word." I like this bit you can elaborate further on this. I think it is a very natural place to add more imagery to describe your feelings.

"Not every morning is a new start; not every evening brings applause" great rhythm here but I think a long pause would elavate the sentence.
Not every morning is a new start;
not every evening brings applause ~~ and self-satisfaction. smth like this.
and after the big pause you can use enjambements afterwards treating the "and self-satisfaction" as the start of the new sentence.

this is just a personal taste and a minor suggestion but I dont like direct mention of numbers "Somehow, sixty or seventy percent gets done—" like this line because imo it just takes over an opportunity to add more. but its not bad its just my personal opinion.

I like the overall tone of it ^^

tribal wadi
#

Thank u for some deep suggestions it means a lot to me and I will surely work on it and provide improve more in every poem that I will write.. hope so you will help me in upcoming poems too.. 😁

pastel spindle
# tribal wadi Sometimes, my plans fall apart before mid-day. The to-do list and all reminders ...

To give some examples on how can you add more imagery and more creativity I'll just walk thru my thought process on how do I approach. This is not a "tutorial" as every poet has their own way of goin about it.

So I'd start by focusing on the action verb on the first line since you already got one ("fall apart") action verbs are easy to work around imo.

Sometimes, my plans fall apart before mid-day.
The to-do list and all reminders keep saying,
"What are you doing?" as nothing goes as planned.

At times, I gently slide my hand across
Through my brittled books and watch them fall apart before my eyes
That's what I did this morning
And the day before
My to-do list long gone ... etc.

Kinda invoking the idea of decaying because of long wait. Also I tried keeping the sound alliance between the sound t and d thats why I changed sometime to at times

pastel spindle
#

Happy writing ^^

tribal wadi