The Intruder

[eternal delta]

Hey

Sorry
Don't mean to intrude
It's just your voice, it cut
Right through the noise
And left me standing stupid
My mouth wide open
To catch butterflies
So it seemed to me rude
To leave it unanswered
Though my heart, it hammered
Hard against my ribs
As I started to approach you

Sorry
I don't mean to disturb
But my eyes are on the verge
Of overflowing today
And your song is the medicine
An herb for my heart
Left to decay

[mild wadi]

I feel like you should divide the poem into two paras, like I'd appreciate a gap before the "Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb" and the pata divide can be treated as the time it took you to approach her/him

[eternal delta]

Yeah that looks better thanks

[manic quail]

This one is lovely, genuinely lovely. The “mouth wide open to catch butterflies” is a standout image, tender and slightly absurd in exactly the right way, and the apology framing (“Sorry / Don’t mean to intrude”) gives the whole poem this endearing, nervous energy that feels very human and real.

The shift in the second stanza from charmed-stranger to quiet vulnerability (“my eyes are on the verge of overflowing today”) is well-handled, it deepens the poem without feeling abrupt. “An herb for my heart / left to decay” is a beautiful close, though “herb” lands just slightly clinical against the otherwise soft, organic language of the piece.

[gusty gull]

Wonderful! @manic quail has just progressed to level 3!

[eternal delta]

Thank you so much, and I didn't know herb sounded clinical haha English isn't my first language so sometimes those nuances go over my head