#Replaced, misplaced, masks

9 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

valid venture
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Love isn't real.
It's an endless thought of what is expected.
To be or not to be.
To want you and then one day not.
Love is temporary.

Portrayed with a mask
Until the mask no longer fits the theme.
Yet you put it on a shelf, as a memory.
The mask sits waiting,
Collecting dust as it waits for its next use.

Waiting for something to come that won't. Thinking was it even a true face.
Or just a mask that was taken off.
For what's seen is not what was once known.

As a different mask is placed.
Will it be temporary or one size fits all?
The one with dust falls and is forgotten.
Still waiting for the one to come back.
Or even a new face to wear it.
Yet it's lost and forgotten.
Forever a memory, collecting dust.
Still waiting for its next turn.

drifting forgeBOT
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@valid venture has sent a notification! - @inner wave @toxic cape @unkempt bronze @umbral grail

swift thistle
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This is deep.

I love the title, it really sets the tone for the poem, yet doesnt get nothing away, which is really clever.

The poem is really well written and very emotionally evocative.

The main suggestion I have , is consider removing the last stanza as the second to last stanza really sums up your message for the poem and i personally, although well written, dont believe the last stanza adds much to the poem.

P.s I can do a stanza by stanza breakdown of feedback if you'd like?

  • @valid venture
valid venture
swift thistle
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A stanza is the section

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So in this poem you have 4 sections/paragraphs

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But in poetry we call them stanzas

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For the detailed feedback:

Stanza 1

I like the rhythm of this first stanza. I feel like, even though some of the lines are longer than others, it balances well.

The only suggestion I have is, the first line and the last line of this stanza sort of contradict. How can one believe love isn't real, yet go on to say it is temporary? Just a tad confusing.

Stanza 2

You've jumped straight into "portrayed with a mask" , yet give no insight into what youre talking about?

Also the last line in this stanza, the collecting dust line, is strong (imagery wise) but the verb "use" is a little weak, when you're talking about love in such a pessimistic way, perhaps change the word "use" to a verb more bitter?

Stanza 3

This stanza, again has good imagery, but with this stanza, there's a lack of structure / form. It reads more like a paragraph, rather than a verse / stanza.

Stanza 4 / Last Stanza

Love the rhyming in this stanza. The line "the one with dust falls and is forgotten" - i believe doesn’t fully make grammatical sense? Perhaps change slightly to "of which dust falls, only to be forgotten."
And with this adjustment, it flows nicely with the line before and the line after.

And for the last suggestion, I would consider putting the last two, maybe three lines, in its own stanza, to show the finality of the poem and for the readers to really hone in on the message you're portraying

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  • @valid venture hope this helps :)))