i really love some of this imagery, penning shadow and the red underlines. a few lines could use revision, i feel like eyes being pretty and smile being smug depicts some sort of duality between features which i like. it’s just that the wording “your eyes are so pretty” was a bit simple compared to the rest which is theme/metaphor-heavy.
#Please tell me where to improve.
sharp tusk
sharp tusk
also i find it difficult to conceptualize “penning shadow to the beautiful light” though i do see what feeling you’re trying to evoke
sharp tusk
thanks tho pj
of course, the meta-idea is wonderful
mortal inlet
yea, im working on it
sharp tusk
also i find it difficult to conceptualize “penning shadow to the beautiful light...
if immersive imagery is something you want in this poem i recommend trying to be a bit clear
sharp tusk
yea, im working on it
sounds good!
mortal inlet
you don't get that easily? From the penning shadow to the beautiful light?
@sharp tusk
sharp tusk
yeah i’m trying to imagine it rn but
mortal inlet
bringing the words from the pens shadow to the beautiful light
sharp tusk
again the feeling you’re trying to evoke seems pretty clear i just can’t physically conceptualize this
sharp tusk
bringing the words from the pens shadow to the beautiful light
ahh i see
mortal inlet
yea, ill fix that. Thanks tho. No one ever replies
sharp tusk
ah i just joined here so i wouldn’t know
mortal inlet
i dont know. i havent talked to anyone really.
sharp tusk
yea, ill fix that. Thanks tho. No one ever replies
i reccomend posting this in this helping channel
mortal inlet
This is really one thing
You're beautiful in words
Written beautifully
Underscored in Red
As this penning shadow
To the Beautiful Light
sharp tusk
#📝・poetry-help-and-tips
mortal inlet
Then it talks about whatever is being written
rustic tinselBOT
Then it talks about whatever is being written
Wonderful! @mortal inlet has just progressed to level 2!
mortal inlet
the end sucks now lol thanks pj. God bless. im going to bed.ty
sharp tusk
This is really one thing
You're beautiful in words
Written beautifully
Undersco...
i think the “as this penning shadow” is what led me to be confused. the “as” seems odd there, could be a from? you’re describing a transition, shadow brought to light
mortal inlet
right, right
The penning shadow is responsible
for the beautiful light
the words coming to light?
i dont know. Everything after that isnt even really started yet.
sharp tusk
the end sucks now lol thanks pj. God bless. im going to bed.ty
God bless and no problem. you can cut about 20% of your poem and keep the impact, i think some of the poem can seem redundant for many readers
sharp tusk
i like the last four lines!
it’s the 2-3/4th part that might be a bit off
alright, God bless
mortal inlet
i love the start LOL. oh well... i edited it a bit, summed er up.
stable jacinthBOT
mortal inlet
@sharp tusk i might tag you within a few weeks just to see ur opinion. I wish more people would reply. God bless.