Weak Old Toy

[sage hollow]

Weak Old Toy

• HY Semantic 💗

[vestal jetty]

Ohhhh

I really love the formality of it all in conjunction with the last line being more casual.
Really powerful turn there!

And ofcourse the vulnerability of the content itself is swell.

Well done!

[sage hollow]

Thank you for it! Loved the vision! 💗

[vestal jetty]

Thank you for sharing!

[mossy jay]

Love this! For some minor criticism (it's already very good) you could maybe condense some lines more - like "has felt parts of mine, that were once confined" -> "has felt parts of mine once confined". I personally find poetry super impactful saying the same thing with less words, like each word has it's place and is more valuable if that makes sense, so just an idea to take it to the next level! And maybe adding some more movement in the idea (you do this well with the last line). Like switching a perspective towards the end and also making sure each line is adding something new if that makes sense? Once again, great poem just some suggestions to think about but either way beautiful writing even if you don't edit it at all!

[sage hollow]

I just luv your suggestions...!! Thank you a lot! And I'm really grateful that you've spent your time here! Maybe I will make some changes! Love it ya!

[mossy jay]

of course, glad you found it helpful!!!

[crystal ravine]

Holy peak

Why does this not have stars? </3

[quaint mason]

@crystal ravine is now following @sage hollow.

[sage hollow]

you makin me cry

[sage hollow]

Cause I disappear a lot... I was once a regular one with endless tags of poems for review... But now I appear once in a blue moon

[sage hollow]

Tell me? What do you like in it?

[crystal ravine]

Love the last stanza

[nova knot]

personification is my fav form of writing a poem and you slayed it girl ! really nice

[sage hollow]

[sage hollow]

Thanks queen

[nova knot]

most welcome

[sage hollow]

[crystal ravine]

Also love the repetition

Repetition is so fun

<3

[sage hollow]

I LOVE U, HUMAN

[buoyant zephyr]

[sage hollow]

How was itt

[sage hollow]

@coarse crown @tawny harness
I took the liberty myself

[tawny harness]

ooohhhhhh noiceeee

[sage hollow]

@lime bluff and you-

[sage hollow]

@lean pagoda Lesssgo

[lean pagoda]

I suck at feedback so I low-key just read it and star it

Don’t tell anyone about me being an infinite star glitch

🤫

[sage hollow]

😭 leaks it out in a public chat

[sage hollow]

@amber surge show mercy if you like it

[amber surge]

I'm usually not into the free verse, but I'll try to find things that I find cool here

The repetition of 'my pretty lady' is cool

The way I like to read the first paragraph is with chunks like this:
~ ~ ~
Used to wátch me
in a súit,
by the cóunter,
on the cóuch,
In a sléeper,
with a pén,
Made me quéstion
whether I'm
her posséssion
or an árt?
~ ~ ~
I think it has a nice rhythm to it. I removed & and replaced I am with I'm

So the first paragraph is:
Opening line
Cool rhythm over three lines
End line

Seems good

Paragraph 2:
I love the line 2, mine and confined work like a rhyme
Lines 3 and 5 have some kind of flow to them, they work together, but line 4 feels bad to me. Not the strongest part of a poem

Paragraph 3:
Lines 2–4
I don't see the picture here tbh.
'Part' and 'fault' could be pronounced similarly, but that's not the default way I would read it.
I could force a rhythm for the most of this paragraph, but 'cotton' would break it no matter how I try

'Ain't I?' is alright

The message is alright, but I didn't really feel anything from it. Like, the guy really likes his lady? Okay.

Again, I'm not really a great helper here as I usually like poems with a lot of word-play

[slate parrot]

love it

the way it shows devotion is beautiful

and the blurred lines between beings someone's

and the acceptance at the end

[sage hollow]

Thank you a lot for your time and for reading it. It means a lot to me. And yes, he liked his lady, but I mean. He was a slave to his lady and I induced the word "cotton" cause he became a toy. I didn't try to attempt any rhyme there. Ill try to improve it! Thank you

[sage hollow]

Thank you 💗 you've got what I tried to mention there. And thank you for reading it

[slate parrot]

you're always welcome gng

[sage hollow]

[lime bluff]

Where is the mention?

[lime bluff]

Oh here

[lime bluff]

I am the weak old toy indeed

Remarkable

[sage hollow]

Days ago, mister.

[sage hollow]

So are you made of cotton?

[lime bluff]

Apologies, mi’lady

[lime bluff]

Could be