#when I became a man (longer lines)

23 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

grim raft
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@crystal widget

crystal widget
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3rd line change THE to MY, to add personal depth

4th line perhaps reconsider the word BEE to something a human could poke.
OR change the verb poking to provoking ?

2nd stanza change childishness as its not a word I believe and if it is, due to how long the word is, it breaks the flow.

  • change to "the fear of being too immature"

3rd stanza, "that let's me be" feels a bit clunky. Perhaps change to
"with fate that causes me to be tested,
Treated unfair"

4th stanza, TAPED is a bit of a weak word. Consider SUPRESSED.

5th stanza, put a comma after YEAH and PATH

Last stanza, don't think JUST AS BAD, makes sense?

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@grim raft

grim raft
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also

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I don't understand ur last part

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wdym don't think just as bad makes sense

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did you mean it doesn't make sense

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I'll try to come up with smth for that too

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will tag you after I update it

crystal widget
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But when I became a man I understood,
Taught myself that feelings aren't just as bad
And Sure laugh it up,
Call it stupid,
Users words won't ever make me sad.

I guess the "just as bad" part suggests your going to compare the feelings to something. Like its not clear what its "just as bad" as?

grim raft
crystal widget
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Yeah that works better actually!!

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Its a softer sounding word so aids the flow well

grim raft
grim raft
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@glad solstice

grim raft
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@vivid acorn

vivid acorn
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Omg your making songs. I honestly don't have any good feedback. I was/am not good at doing that. Not much for an editor or Grammer kind of guy. I know things are supposed to be said in a certain way so half the time Grammer is not needed.

grim raft
vivid acorn
grim raft
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@vapid prism

vapid prism
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Seems like the raw draft that birthed the one I just read. It's nicee.

past wadiBOT