when I became a man (shorter lines)

[coral sand]

Good ⭐️⭐️

[vagrant lance]

any feedbacks?

also thanks leave a star

[mighty mantle]

This is niceee ⭐

[upper sedge]

Oo I like this. Its a very well written piece with a very heartbreaking truth to it.

The only critique I have, is to shorten the use of "filler" words

For example: "stack burdens on a shelf" - could change to "stack burdens on shelves" .

Also the 3rd stanza seems a bit... choppy?

Specifically the 3rd line. I'd personally tweak it to something like this...

When i became a man
I was told to aim high,
Only for dad's approval
But I couldn't understand why.

The last stanza finishes the poem in a really strong way. Well done

@vagrant lance hope you don't mind my form of feedback 😊

[vagrant lance]

yeah I did that shelf part to add the rhyme

and yeah I agreed thank you the last line in the third stanza is bugging me but I haven't really came up with a replacement yet but working on it

also thanks for that tweak I'll see what I can do

thanks a lot againn

[vagrant lance]

I very much appreciate it

[vagrant lance]

also u accidentally wrote hith as high buh it's alr

[upper sedge]

Fixed it :)))

[vagrant lance]

read again

how's it now

[vagrant lance]

thanks

[upper sedge]

loads better - flows nicely now

[vagrant lance]

thank you and if you could could you give my other poems a read since I like your way of giving feedback

if you don't mind

[upper sedge]

Yeah no worries

[vagrant lance]

I'll tag you in them then

[upper sedge]

Cheers

Saves me time lol

[vagrant lance]

haha well I appreciate you use ur time for this

[vagrant lance]

@native urchin

[native urchin]

actually this is a bangerr

muuch much better poem ive read of yours

but didn't forget my dreams
even as fear kept recycling.

recycling isnt the word here it distrubs the flow of rhe whole poen and slightl vauge

love the ending also very beautifully written

[vagrant lance]

hmm I'll think about that one and thanks I'm glad you enjoyed this one

[vagrant lance]

means a lot to me

[native urchin]

welcome

and look

you dint overexplain

you kept it simple

and how elegant it is

[vagrant lance]

yeah btw I fixed it

not recycling anymore

[vagrant lance]

yeah lol

itz fancy now

edited again

[native urchin]

crept is a btter word

[vagrant lance]

sorey

sorry

[vagrant lance]

never heard of that one

[native urchin]

oh

[vagrant lance]

I think I like how it is now

what do u think

[native urchin]

what u changed

[vagrant lance]

even with fear interrupting

before it was even as fear kept interrupting

I js cut it short

gave it a pretty trim

[native urchin]

ah its fine dont stress over it

[vagrant lance]

yup

[native urchin]

just keep reading as well

[vagrant lance]

will do

[native urchin]

it will make u improve

good luckk

[vagrant lance]

thanks you too

[vagrant lance]

also u forgot to star the I don't like the ride poem

[coral sand]

Hmm

Good nonetheless not what I hoped for

[vagrant lance]

thanks please leave a star

[coral sand]

⭐️⭐️

[vagrant lance]

thank you but I meant react with a star if you want to

[vagrant lance]

@honest moth

[vagrant lance]

@eager mantle

[eager mantle]

This one feels really literary. I legit believe, it should belong in a book.