#Good Fellow

7 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

restive seal
#

Good fellow
Good fellow
What brings you down
Good fellow
Good fellow
What makes you drown

Too good for me-
Too good for you
To good for anyone

to have much a clue

The surface they see
Is the bad that they hear
The truth they believe is much too unclear

Bad of the past-
Bad of regret
Bad of the things-

you haven’t paid yet

Too bad for you
Too bad for me
Too bad that anyone

have not a clue

But the good that you do
or the bad that you don't

Will never be seen without sense of doubt

So keep your head high
And keep pushing through
For the light in the tunnel
Is held up by you

restive seal
#

@foggy tide

foggy tide
#

The question I'd push you on:
Who is "Good fellow"? Is this you talking to yourself? Someone you're watching fall apart? A stranger? A mirror?
Because that answer changes everything — the tone, the stakes, the ending. Right now it's nobody talking to nobody. Pin it down.
What's your answer?

answer this honesty

#

and the repitation in the first the few lines makes it a bit dull to read, rip out all the repitation where you know it dosent work. the core idea is good but the words are unable to connert that feeling, let the poem flow through you dont think what people will think, write because you write to please yourself, let it be raw let it flow freely

restive seal
#

I think the best answer I could put to that is a self reflection in the mirror, I’ve phrased it like the speaker is speaking outwardly so it’s not an inner monologue like would be suggested by simply talking to themself, so the mirror would give a severance.

to lock that down do you think there’s a way I could put that into the last line some how? Or in the rewriting of the first stanza?

#

I have a proposed rewrite of the first stanza

   Good fellow inside

Or up on the wall
Good fellow be used
By one and all

I also just woke up so that might hinder the clarity of what I push out but as of current that’s what I got to tone down the repetition

restive seal