#I don't like the ride

61 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

edgy cobalt
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@stuck epoch this

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but I got creative with this and I don't know if it's good or bad

stuck epoch
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I liked this one a lot better, id get rid of the rhyming though you dont need it. I admire how self aware and introspective you are.. i think you could run low self esteem against the fact that you are intelligent and with sn open heart, like it could be a conflict that finds a resolution.

Thx for sharing, its good stuff

edgy cobalt
stuck epoch
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🙂

edgy cobalt
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@barren blaze

barren blaze
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Change 3rd line to ANXIETY NEVER ... LETS ME BE or LEAVES ME

Change THE FACE IS UGLY, WRONG to YOUR FACE IS UGLY, WRONG

Change THE BITING BACKS to THE BACK BITING

"I GUESS ITS TRUE THE BRAIN LIKES TO SCARE ME" to match the (vibe?) Of your poem, consider changing SCARE to TAUNT

The last stanza is basically perfect. Ties up the poem really well

edgy cobalt
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when I figure smth out for the biting backs part I will tag you

edgy cobalt
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@quick pier

quick pier
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okay reading

edgy cobalt
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there is also #1486757545367310506 but this one is pretty long too

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also the others wear black or the others are painted black

which is better or should I js keep it as wear black

quick pier
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its your poem. what were you trying to say?

edgy cobalt
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also I'll keep it the way it is thanks

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so any feedback?

quick pier
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im guessing people that mocked you or poeple that are away and isolated you

quick pier
# edgy cobalt so any feedback?

yeah actually the opening is pretty strong. its by far very good to show contorl. but you do the name dropinh

"anxiety never leaves me alone"
you already shwoing that they're watchihg, your breathing wrong. their all the elements of someone who is being conrotrl

look at this-

and I just watch,
and live at a home..
where true love lacks.

you already show there was lack of love. dont name it

trust your readers and your images

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i think you could hafe written a bit better when talking about stress and trauma, because it feels like a list

edgy cobalt
edgy cobalt
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it is one

quick pier
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my favioute line is the secound last stanza. its excalty how you should explain things with a humours tone

edgy cobalt
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as in the poet or the character innit idk is listing it down and being sarcastic as if it's smth to be excited abt

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I'm not good at explaining

edgy cobalt
quick pier
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brain one

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very good line

edgy cobalt
edgy cobalt
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leave a star if you think it's good

quick pier
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if you want i can show you a poem i worte aboout how i worte about a smiler topic

waxen sequoiaBOT
quick pier
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sure i wioll

edgy cobalt
edgy cobalt
edgy cobalt
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@novel cove

novel cove
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Omg I love how deeply profound this is while also being relatable in ways no one really thinks about. And above all else, despite what the other comment says about rhyming, please keep it.

In my opinion, that's what amplifies every line down to the last syllable and hits with more flavors than Skittles so don't listen to that advice. Rhythm and compositions make it that much better to listen to especially when rendering the resolution of your image in a full bloated sentence. So in a sense, color me impressed.

edgy cobalt
novel cove
edgy cobalt
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@thin spire

thin spire
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Hii.

edgy cobalt
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hey also feel free to be blunt

thin spire
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Woahh, I like this. It's kind of relatable. The last stack of stanza is lovely, specially the parts-
"cause if I were rain,
I'd happily diffuse"

And

"now all I see is tides
of crimson, and people
drown in this sea"

Also the first stack is great, the last line there sums it up pretty well.

I like how vague the language is at some parts, I like subtle and vague writing. Honestly, I think it's great.

Some parts that I think may need a bit off a brush-up (if I am being really picky) are-

I think you could add another line after 'maybe I am just delusional' that rhymes with it, or maybe you just preferred to break it up so the next stanza started smoothly? I think a word that may rhyme with it could be 'irrational'.

In the next part, I don't really get what you meant by 'the others wear black' but maybe the incoherence is the point? But I think it's kinda redundant. Wait just noticed, the line 'the others wear black' rhymes with the last part 'silently unpacks', lol. Maybe keeping it is better ig, but also you could change the 'silently unpacks' part to something that sits a bit more natural if you removed that line? The silently unpacks phrase sounds a bit mechanical.

Guess that's the only criticism I have.🥲

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Haha, reading your poem, I feel like mine falls too short.

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Mine closes too early without resolution.

thin spire
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@edgy cobalt heyy.

edgy cobalt
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will read rn

edgy cobalt
thin spire
edgy cobalt
# thin spire Haha, reading your poem, I feel like mine falls too short.

I'll say this

we all start somewhere and it's either we keep going or end it

my first weeks of writing sucked so bad I don't just cringe when I see them, I literally cover my eyes because oh my lord what was I thinking when I wrote that?

but then I remember, all that just to come here and go further

I'm still learning and trying and one day you're gonna one up me prolly lol

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help-

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I feel like an oldie writing that

like some grandpa giving "wise" advice

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but I meant it

edgy cobalt
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you've got this

edgy cobalt