my dear cancer

[paper root]

This is so raw and you can tell the narrator is deeply in love.

The only critique I have is, youre using the extended metaphor of cancer, but you use the line "id let her consume me, even if it meant risking my life."

If the love is like cancer, cancer = a risk to life.

So saying "even if it meant risking my life" is a bit long winded.

Perhaps write

I'd let her consume me,
Even if it meant dying
And maybe then,
My ghost would be content.

[opal heron]

yes but what do you mean by long winded? and I meant risking my life as in losing myself and thank you for that suggestion I'll think about it

[paper root]

Ahhh losing your self

Perhaps reword to "losing the life i once loved"

I meant the line is quite long for a poem

With a poem, limit the amount of words on a single line.

[opal heron]

then how about "even if it meant losing myself"?

[paper root]

Yes that's good

[opal heron]

thank you

[willow elbow]

You can narrate poems or be telling them but i think this much telling is very undermining. you can talk about cancer, even diretly but what makes a poem is its litreture and way of saying it. what im saying is that even in directness, you need to use some poetic techniques like a metaphor, personify or use a symbol. Its fine to be direct but it needs to feel earned or needs to feel meaningful

@opal heron

[opal heron]

yeah for this I didn't put much depth in it and thanks I'll keep that in mind I wrote some other poems like that tho if you want you could check it out #1486693852084441118 #1486757545367310506 but these two are long and this #1486786532420485331 isn't that long so if you could leave a feedback in some I'd appreciate it

[willow elbow]

Sure I will do in a while

[keen orbit]

You good buddy 👏🏽🥳

[opal heron]

thanks

[opal heron]

@serene jewel

[opal heron]

@formal belfry

[formal belfry]

Heyy, this one feels so much like a journal entry. Something you'd find skimming through the diary of someone close you really admire if that makes sense.😭 I love it!

[opal heron]

oh yeah I get what you mean thank you

give a star please

[formal belfry]

A little criticism would be maybe the last line of the poem? If you lessened the syllable count somehow..

But it still sits right, just not perfect.

[opal heron]

yes and I'll think about it and give it a try.. but I don't think I could shorten it cause I have no idea how to I could turn this into an actual poem though and add a few more stanzas and make another one that's similar but longer yk

maybe

[opal heron]

yeah it's incomplete because even when they become a ghost and meet their lover's light it still won't be enough

also I get what you mean but I js wanted to write that lol

[formal belfry]

I think it's good as short somehow. Perhaps, rh journal entry point I made.