#Pony Parade- Open to feedback

12 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

sullen dawn
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Drinking lemonade
Eating cotton candy
We only have fun at the Pony Parade!
I trip and fall
Miss has boo-boo spray handy
We only have fun at the Pony Parade!
I never saw him again
His face down sadly
We only have fun at the Pony Parade!
My cheeks feel sore
I cannot stop smiling
We only have fun at the Pony Parade!
My friend just turned eight
Where has he gone?
We only have fun at the Pony Parade!
Sticking out of the oats
A little finger
We only have fun at the Pony Parade!
Chill down my back
Gaze burning at me
We only have fun at the Pony Parade!
Hair scattered throughout
An eyeball too
we only have fun, pony parade

balmy finch
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I am not personally a fan of repition in poetry like this (so do take my critique of it with a grain of salt saying im biased)but its mainly because it feels cheap and boring and by the final lines we get the point.

I acctually feel what could be a really good idea is breaking that repetitive structure at the "A little finger" line to show a dissconect but then come back to the repition at the end with less excitment.(like you did!)

The thing is with repitition is that you don't want readers skimming over those repeated lines they've just read, so instead what you could do is slighty change the wording: the "We have fun at pony parade" idea stays but its changed a word or two around to keep it fresh.

Another unfortunate thing is that repition can get dull fast (this can be used well but its very hard and very rare).

Also the lines "Hair scattered throughout" and "an eyeball too" reads a bit funky, not because its grammatically inccorect but because it kind of breaks the meter. The volta sets the meter as:

  1. 6 syllable line
    2)5 syllable line

Then for the last couplet its turns into:

  1. 5 syllable line
    2)4 syllable line

It isnt like you cant break meters, hell I've said somthing quite arbitrary, but for me at least it's too short. It doesnt flow well? Idk, I could just be going insane.

I have said a lot of criticism but I don't think this is bad. I like the kind of pinnochio-esque "childrens heaven turns wrong" kind of thing. I think you wrote it quite decently. I like how you contrasted pain in the first couplet being treat with kindness and the violence and death in the last being treated by nothing and nobody and only witnessed by an impotent character. It really feels hopeless and thats mint!

balmy finch
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@sullen dawn

sullen dawn
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I appreciate your feedback

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That last couple lines being a different rhythm by the way was intentional

sullen dawn
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Make it pop out a bit more

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In the way I originally wrote it I put the last two words in a different font as well

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I should have italicized it here but I just directly copy pasted it so I forgot

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I did originally think about changing up the repetitive line over time, but I decided the ending would stick out a bit more of it was the only different one

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Also I wanted it to feel like someone was trying to keep up an illusion, kind of lying to themselves, and the ending is them just about to break down

balmy finch