#1884 Western Ballad. 03/08

8 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

shell brambleBOT
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@wary jacinth has sent a notification! - @hollow skiff @hexed nacelle @dark snow @lean thunder @hoary kestrel @zealous plaza @fading swallow @remote sorrel @oak hawk @hollow kernel @stable hinge @abstract mist @zealous granite @mighty dust

wary jacinth
stable hinge
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Lmao

humble wave
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these pieces of writing.. this is like what sweetgrass is for horses

A tale of justice and retribution? Yes PLEASE thank you ladies

spice domeBOT
abstract mist
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I really like this ryhme:
They grabbed me rough, locked the irons tight,
Threw away the key into the cold black night.

rough spoke
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Okay so my impression of this poem was very confusing without finding who Colter Walls is, it progressed like this:

Thought that the characters from here are all real people from 1884 because of the ending... details?
Found out that Colter Walls is a modern singer
Tried to find info about his shooting
No history of violence found
Found out about his Kate McCannon song

I think that most of the lines in this poem are strong, you are clearly not an amateur, the rhythm feels engaging and fun, the diction feels fresh for most parts.

My interpretation of the poem changed as I have found more about what it actually is about, and at first I did had quibble with it for feeling bloodless, as in there is not much of an emotional core that makes you feel something intense unless you have a liking for Colter Walls. Reading the poem from my initial perspective it hadnt given me a reason to care about those characters, it hadn't showed me who they are and what they had lost in a way that makes me feel the weight of it, but since this seems to be an entirely fictional non-lived poem we can just look at it as something that is done for fun, lighthearted, and I think that was you intention with this poem.

With that, I think that you have potential (I have read your other poem too which I will review) and I think you can do more, for such a short poem, I would expect perfection and I am sure you can achieve it if you hone some lines that feel very weak compared to the others:

Thew away the key> very well trodden
cold black night > also very well trodden And yes I get it, because the rhyme with tight but could of come up with something fresher.
short bitter laugh > sounds like you just gave up on writing the line, or more so like a stage sound effect, it completely breaks the flow of the poem for stating something instead of showing, very low pay-off line.
It's the rope for what you sow > very well trodden, I think you picked this because it rhymes with Wall, while not being as bad as the previous it could be more original.

While the dove is a very common symbol for hope the inversion saves it as if hope itself is giving up on the speaker, dove being perched Outside from where the speaker sees the freedom that cannot be obtained and hope itself condemning the speaker.

Also I would think about the value of those:

her wings all white as grace feels like generic filler and doesn't serve a purpose except for rhyming with face, feels decorative.

and mournful not only does this state something that is already implied by the stanza image but it also makes the rhythm worse, imo it would sound better like this:

And she coos to me real low, "It's the rope for what you sow,

Best parts were definitely this:

**I grabbed my ol' Daisy, saddled up quick,
Coma yi yippee yi yay, Wall, you son of a -

I rode out hard, town men whistln' no shame,
But I hollered "Hush-ya!" and set the prairie aflame -

I raised ol' Daisy, huffed for McCannon I pulled once -
down he bust.**

Also I like that the down he bust land anticlimatically after the manic explosive energy.