A first spring

[paper wyvern]

I remember.
The first of the blossoms.
She and I were on the metal bench.
A wave of gusts flew—
Rosy petals soar past her brow.
Her lips curled in a smile.
The gold ray stream glistened—
On the silk-smooth skin;
She raised her hand, veiling herself;
Her eyelashes blinked.
My heart thudded.
A red flare rose from my cheeks—
Warmth steamed off my brow and chin.

Her pupils trailed.
In the blue, I saw a swallow.
Her pupils shone brightly.
She heaved her hand—
to the open sky
"I had wings; I could fly."
She spoke.

"Hey"—thrown out of thoughts.
My eyes saw ethereal eyes;
Looking back, "What's the kick?"
She said, her pupils fraying at the edge.
"You said we will go for ice cream."
Her tresses trickling—dress her round eyes.

My heart thud-thud;
My lips curl, and I lift her up.
"Aaah," she screamed.
Thud, she landed on the shoulders.
"Put me down!" Her voice rang.
My voice trampled her shout.
"You wished you had wings;
I am granting it."

@pastel sedge

[paper wyvern]

May add some more sensory details

@iron escarp

[iron escarp]

okay

[paper wyvern]

@pastel sedge any comments?

[iron escarp]

Hey this poem is a nice cozy comfyyyy read capturing ethereal mood. And also kind of relatable.

[paper wyvern]

I am improving it, wait a little to read the improved version

[obsidian acorn]

*I am improving

it, wait a little to read

the improved version*

- yami4876

[iron escarp]

hey yami i think i do have general comments on your poems. General comments i mean

Sorry my response is disorganized..... i am trying to put my feelings one after the other..

You are using more symbols(pink petals = romance) but i want you to use your observations. The more obscure the more relatable the more beautiful it feels.

you might feel offended but i am trying to convey my honest version of looking at it.

stop looking for "the poetic version" of the girl and start looking for the "human version."

It is a sweet scene, but it feels like a memory of a movie I’ve already seen.

Observations in the sense don't just show her 'smiling,' show the way she adjusts her glasses or how the bench felt hard and cold under your legs. The more specific and 'weird' the detail, the more it feels like a real soul wrote it.....

when you said "A gust of wind flew.".... You need to discribe the details how did that blowing wind felt like and how it is like

same with "Lips curling in a smile."

and "I lift her up."

you need to get into the specifics of the motion..... the details are important

when you movie from "The Idea" of a moment to the "Physicality" of it, the poem starts being a lived memory. It feels alive instead of being a postcard

you need to capture the intimate and open-ended connection

you need to capture the moment and feeling

[paper wyvern]

I am looking for things, I said I am improving it

[iron escarp]

sorry too much of criticism right? but this is what i felt..... what i am saying is .... try to use your empathy and create that feeling to the people who did not even experience it .... okay???

i am telling that you should make us feel those ideas.... that is it

[paper wyvern]

Try now, And I will see more to improve it

Message isn't going

[iron escarp]

there is a problem with messages...

[paper wyvern]

Anyway try improved version

[paper wyvern]

I right now changed words to meet a little aesthetic and I will be adding some more sensory details

[paper wyvern]

What you think of it current as it is?

[paper wyvern]

Finish

[fleet thorn]

@paper wyvern has sent a notification! - @midnight sundial @random sinew @ivory arrow @lean bluff @burnt spade @finite shard @hallow burrow @tidal lintel @vernal schooner @wheat tartan @north zephyr @wicked geyser @limpid bison @lone lintel @hollow nimbus @hard patio @ruby rapids

[paper wyvern]

@indigo fable

[paper wyvern]

Tell me how you feel about it

[indigo dune]

this could be a really good duet performance
loved the sweetness of it overall

[paper wyvern]

Thanks

Took an hour of almost revision

@atomic prairie

@steady condor

[indigo fable]

I’m enjoying it so far. The story is engaging, and I like the direction you’re taking, especially the character development.

[paper wyvern]

Thanks its actually enough not more

[ruby rapids]

rather enchanting stanza and that line is 🔥

[paper wyvern]

Thanks

[steady condor]

feels like a memory

but I wish it could be more raw ykwim

sometimes poetic sound intense but don’t quite match the image.

Her pupils trailed.” - Pupils don’t really “trail.” Maybe “Her gaze drifted.”

“My voice trampled her shout.” - “Trampled” feels harsh and out of tone. Maybe “I laughed over her shout.”

“Her pupils fraying at the edge.” - This is unclear visually

u can use less decorative wording, more clarity.

anyways it was my opinion,
it was overall really good

I liked it

[paper wyvern]

Thank you

[paper wyvern]

@sterile sierra

[sterile sierra]

𝓘𝓽'𝓼 𝓼𝓸 𝓹𝓮𝓪𝓬𝓮𝓯𝓾𝓵,