#Carbonated 451°

91 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

fiery geyser
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Carbonated 451°

golden sand
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i love this smmm it’s such a chefs kiss 👩🏻‍🍳💋

toxic minnowBOT
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@fiery geyser has sent a notification! - @cerulean stag @amber current @flint mist @gusty jolt @green siren @analog magnet

limpid onyx
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my suggestion is increase the length dont remove any lines but simply adapt them so that it becomes less dense and more symantically anchoured. that means giving it a clearer image

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the repeated swapping between the mention in the first stanza of home life and then war gives a sense of reminiscence

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maybe it refers to a literal war or a domestic war one where he didn't fire a gun but still went off on you and threatened you

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i got this from the trinkets and 10mm

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perhaps the trinket was a gun and he threatened to kill you or himself

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idk

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but it is very dense

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and it is supremely beautiful

fiery geyser
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I appreciate this, it's been a learning experience of balancing. It's her bathing in the thought of him. Least this is my goal.
Appreciate you reading.

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Look up 'dunnest smoke of hell'

limpid onyx
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what is the effect you were going for with this

fiery geyser
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I'm praising his masculinity.

limpid onyx
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because in my mind it links to the idea of war and you were blinded so you missed the fact he never loved you but you loved you

fiery geyser
limpid onyx
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the use of chemical reference seems to give it a more explosive effect rather than praising aspect

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that is only those few lines that stir confusion

fiery geyser
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lol that's the part that keeps me up past my bed time, the balance.

marsh tulipBOT
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*lol that's the

part that keeps me up past my

bet time, the balance.*

- ladywasteland
fiery geyser
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Would stanza one be less home vision tossing enthroned out for masculinity?

limpid onyx
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i think so

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and changing the it's before pheromone to his

fiery geyser
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Mmm

limpid onyx
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it makes it feel like he is the man and his pheromones alone stir your mind

fiery geyser
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I have that stanza in three different rewrites 😂

limpid onyx
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coud you send them over

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could*

fiery geyser
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It's mostly playing with the 2nd and 4th line

limpid onyx
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did you delete them?

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Bathe in the paraffin of his cologne—
I inhale deeply... his pheromone.
I move the water, to the side, preferring Villa Charbono wine.
his Belvedere era has me smelling charcoal.

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this feels more clear and explicit in my opinion

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at first I didn't realise it was a reference to wine

fiery geyser
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I bathe in the paraffin of his cologne —
His masculinity plays I inhale it's pheromone.
I move the water aside preferring Villa Charbono —
Belvedere era flicks me into charcoal.

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Once again, THANKS!

limpid onyx
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no problem

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thank you for the poem

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but remember it should flow and contain references that aren't exclusive

supple cargoBOT
fiery geyser
# limpid onyx but remember it should flow and contain references that aren't exclusive

😂It started out at a bar like a story. haha.

Cola on his radio plays on the sodium light -
makes me waltz for him tenderly.
There's amber in the glass beside velvet matches -
tingling, I think it's Beverly.

It's two-a.m. he has me romantically —
I wasn't prepared.
Now I'm square bodied sitting passenger —
Hand on my waist, boozy late night, open the eyelids I let him read like the NYT bare.
*
This is going to be deleted soon.

limpid onyx
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thats fair enough

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it is very beautiful

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after reading the poem

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then this

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it all feels

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like a love story from the perspective of the sweetly infatuated

fiery geyser
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I really want to try and keep the first stanza as is, Ive just been trying to get from there into praising I guess

limpid onyx
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it can be done but i dont think that is a good idea keeping it the exact same

fiery geyser
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Like I said, it's her in her head thinking of him. The combustibles are like that heaty feeling, the sodas it's bubbling.

supple cargoBOT
limpid onyx
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its soda?

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i thought it was wine

fiery geyser
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No haha that is indeed a wine

limpid onyx
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oh ok

fiery geyser
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The Villa Charbono

limpid onyx
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charbono was a type of grapes so i was just confused what else it could be

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so yeah

fiery geyser
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This is helpful though! Clarity so thank you.

limpid onyx
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no problem

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you dont have issue with vocabulary of technique

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simply, its too dense and the flow if sometimes disrupted

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but despite my constant criticism

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it is absolutely beautiful

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i can't wait to see more

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how long have you two been together?

fiery geyser
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Haha, one year next month.

limpid onyx
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i am glad you have kept such passion

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remember

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when you let passion die, the other person can't go on; and loses passion

fiery geyser
limpid onyx
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that's adorable

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haha

fiery geyser
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You like bars stranger?

limpid onyx
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i am 15

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but maybe when i am older we could go

fiery geyser
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Hahaha no

limpid onyx
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haha

fiery geyser
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As in lyrically lol

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😂😂😂

limpid onyx
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😭 🙏

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i do like bars

fiery geyser
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I am roaring 😂

limpid onyx
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me too

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it is really curious

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i love the use of NYT

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as in New York Times

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and the night

fiery geyser
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Gtg tho, thanks again

limpid onyx
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its been a pleasure

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thank you for the poem