#idk what to title this

22 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

oblique leaf
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your words,
you make the silence so loud.
your dry words pierce my mind.
if you're a flower,
is he you're water?
does that make me the dirt?
you're a flower,
pretty and perfect,
pure and beautifle.
im dirt,
im filthy and muddy,
im gross and impure.
i cant help but compare,
how we are to eachother.
your everything holy,
and im the definition of sin.
is it jealousy?
might be.
im jealous of your life.
your voice.
your hair.
you sound and look angeli.c
while i sound so demonic.
i dont search for the love you have.
only your life.
would you trade it for mine?

sly dawn
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ok

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before I even read this

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please use commas, dots and dashes

oblique leaf
sly dawn
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also grammatical correction is "you're"

oblique leaf
sly dawn
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it's important, trust

oblique leaf
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i think i put the puncuations right. i havent put them on my poems b4 unless its a question mark

sly dawn
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you must consider the readers reading, if you want to make the reader breath before reading the next, put commas, for stopping put dots, and dashes for interruptions

oblique leaf
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ahh kk thank you

sly dawn
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I read the rest of the poem,
and the things you could really improve on is the commas, dots and dashes.

I get the idea of jealousy or being replaced, you could try leaning more into physical images instead of describing your feelings, the way she looks etc etc..

oblique leaf
sly dawn
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example

"you sound and look angelic while I sound so demonic" (im sorry if that's true 😥)

you could improve it by cutting words that bloat the lines, or shortening it.

"I gaze and think of an angel,
I hear nothing but an angel.

But my voice hurts like demons."

my part isn't really much but it is improved

cosmic crescentBOT
sly dawn
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the "I'm the definition of sin" could be improved with..

"Dictionaries label me as "Embodiment of sin""

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it shows a physical thing, that makes the reader sad because who would want to be labeled something bad in a book?

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my conclusion would be..

I think the emotion in this poem is very clear, and it feels honest. I only wanted to clarify the grammar thing because “your” and “you’re” aren’t interchangeable, “you’re” only works when you mean “you are,” and in many places here you’re talking about possession, not identity.
Outside of grammar, I think the poem might be stronger if it relied more on imagery and less on directly stating feelings. The flower/dirt comparison is interesting, and I’d love to see it shown through actions or scenes instead of being explained outright.
Overall, the feelings come through strongly—some tightening and clearer images could really elevate it.

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@oblique leaf

oblique leaf
oblique leaf