#I want someone to critique my work

7 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

pine parcel
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I think I would like to switch some things around but I'm not sure what

mint glade
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This one feels more raw and restless, like you’re trying to describe a mind that isn’t exactly sad but definitely stuck, and that honesty makes it compelling. Lines like 'my ambition? boneless' hits pretty nicelys because they’re simple and sharp, and the chaotic energy in the second half mirrors the manic feeling you describe, which is effective. Right now it reads a bit scattered, though, almost like ideas are spilling out faster than you can shape them, so switching things around could help, probably group the 'sleep all day / boredom' section clearly together and then build into the manic, explosive part so it feels intentional instead of random. Tightening some rhymes and cutting a few filler lines would make the strong moments stand out more. There’s real emotion here, you just need to structure it so the chaos feels controlled rather than accidental maybe a bit less rhyming and abit more smooth flow i would reccoment, you can dm me if you'd like!

pine parcel
mint glade
# pine parcel Which one would you consider filler lines

The lines that feel most like filler are the ones that repeat ideas or stay vague, like 'hiding away in my bed all day' [it repeats the first line], 'wish there could always be none' [unclear what 'none' means], and 'have a bit of fun / dancing to the beat of the drum' [a bit generic compared to your sharper lines]. Your strongest parts are specific and punchy, like 'my ambition? boneless' or 'I ain’t even sad I’m just bored' so focus on keeping lines that add something new and cutting the ones that just rhyme without deepening the meaning if you know what ti mean with that

pine parcel
mint glade
spare lynx