Alone as a fool

[weary depot]

In this world of blood and wisdom
I remain a fool
and those feigned sages, they call me
a mere mule

I cherish their hearts
and kissed their wounds
yet in their eyes
I couldn’t be their moon

Love was that for which my pulse
hastily raced
but in my eclipse of sight
loneliness was what I aced

As a wind, I blew joy into their
hearts
in return, in flames,
they tore me apart

What more can I be than
a shattered toy
as the spark in me
they destroy

My heart lies still in
this cruel game,
and here I choke
within their duels.

How star-kissed I must be,
bleeding in a starless pool,
to die screaming for love,
alone as a fool.

@tepid wyvern
@elder musk
@stuck fable
@versed stag
@bright portal

[ocean prawn]

PRAISE THE FOOL

[weary depot]

💀atleast you're praising

@fossil mauve

@fluid sand

@urban sandal

@fleet inlet

[bright portal]

See the second half is very beautifully written but in the first half, I felt your focus was more on forcing the rhyme than expressing the emotion. I personally don't like that so hopefully you will work in that field ?

[weary depot]

I'll make sure.. Just in a few hours I'll work on it.. Thanks for your comment ❤

[swift timber]

*I'll make sure.. Just in

a few hours I'll work on it..

Thanks for your comment ❤*

- yash_voice_notes_50893

[bright portal]

mention not

[tepid wyvern]

As your first poem

Its nice

But you need improvement

You’ll learn as you keep on writing and posting

[weary depot]

I will try.. Thnx for your comment ❤

[tepid wyvern]

The last line
“Alone as a fool” is repeated twice
It’s intentional i know

But it ruins structure

Rest is good

[tepid wyvern]

Keep trying

[weary depot]

Alone as a fool

[weary depot]

I tried to improve it a bit can u take a look

[weary depot]

It's not my first poem btw 💀

[weary depot]

@lilac yarrow

[lilac yarrow]

i read it, it is good. i believe the poem is about loving too much in a world that does not return the amount of love?

and that love is powerful but leads to loneliness at the end?

one small thing i need to comment on is that the rhyme is consistent, which is nice, but sometimes it feels a little forced. the feeling of hurt stays the same all the way, you could try to improve it if you want, by adding a small moment of change, it could be hope, realization, acceptance or anything else.

i like how in the ending, it shows deep isolation: the speaker wants love, but feels doomed to suffer for it.

[bright portal]

Now it's perfect, although there's always space for improvement but it's good enough

[weary depot]

Thank you so much.. I will definitely work on the things you've said and I really thank you for commenting on it

[weary depot]

Thank you

[lilac yarrow]

you're very welcome, i'm glad i am of any help. do not hesitate to ask me for help if you need so, i am willing to help as long as i am online.

[weary depot]

@fluid sand

[fluid sand]

The second stanza
I’m
In
Love
Yes

THE FINAL ONE
KRS SO GOOD